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Soobin was walking over a field of clouds, soft like cotton and warm like summer. The sun was setting on the horizon, painting everything in endless tones of orange and pink. As he walked, not even the slightest of breezes blew through the air. It wasn’t hot or cold, just like most dreams are, but the atmosphere was cozy, heart-warming as if he was under the blankets of his bed on a cool Sunday morning.
A light tune was playing somewhere in the distance, but Soobin didn’t seem to know where it came from. It was a gentle melody, like a lullaby. Nothing moved except for him, whose steps were soundless over the smoothness of the flushed clouds. He walked endlessly, his figure casting a long dark shadow that followed him everywhere. He walked in a straight line, yet he didn’t seem to be getting anywhere. He knew he wouldn’t get anywhere, but he still walked.
Then, a gentle wind caressed his cheek. Like a feather kiss. And that made him stop.
“Soobin!” a voice called, right as the background tune ceased playing. It was a musical voice, clam and welcoming, loud in the sudden silence, just like he remembered it. It was familiar and comforting as much as it was alien and homesick, like a forgotten memory that is brought back to life.
Soobin turned his head to the outline of the boy that smiled at him, the sun at his back. Soobin couldn’t see his expression, but he knew it was sweet and light-hearted. How did he know? He simply did.
Soobin walked to the dark-haired boy until he was standing right in front of him, barely a few centimeters from his face. Soobin was taller but, with how disheveled the other’s hair was, the difference wasn’t as noticeable. The boy was looking at him with the most loving eyes and softest of smiles. He looked at him with eyes that held entire galaxies and burned with adoration. The faintest rosiness tinted his full cheeks, which stretched with a smile as the boy repeated his name. “Soobin.”
The pretty boy took his hands and intertwined their fingers. Soobin looked at their hands before giving them a tight squeeze, smiling softly even though he didn’t understand what was happening. He knew he could trust the stranger. His hands felt like satin, and it was just as smooth. He wished he could hold him for all eternity. When he looked back at the stranger, he already knew what he was going to say, as if it had been written beforehand.
“You’re not real.” It wasn’t sharp or mean, rather neutral –honest, sure, matter-of-fact.
The boy’s smile didn’t flatter, but it turned sad like he had accepted it a long time ago but his heart was still full of hope. The debris of grief floated in those two pools of longing and love.
Letting go of Soobin’s hands and bringing them to his cheeks, he cupped Soobin’s face like he was made out of precious ceramic. The boy caressed his right cheek with his thumb and then leaned in, their warm breaths mingling and their eyes closing, until their lips met in the middle. It was a soft kiss. Short and innocent. Warm.
When they broke apart, their foreheads resting against the other’s, Soobin opened his eyes again and immediately found the other looking back at him.
“I’m sorry” the lovely boy apologized. “I’ll wait here for you to fall asleep again.”
With that, Soobin fell down from the clouds and woke up.
Soobin was lying against the brown leather armchair, as he looked out the window. Soft hues of blue blended in with the cloud’s pristine white, entirely different from the pinks and oranges that adorned his dreams. Summer was unhurriedly coming to an end, but trees were still a vibrant green color and the air was still scented like flowers and sunlight.
From within the room, Soobin could make out the contour of tall buildings in the distance and people walking down the busy streets of Ansan, but he couldn’t hear their words or discern their visages. The inside of the room he was in was plain and nice. Like most therapists, Dr. Kim kept the space clean and airy: a safe impersonal space where Soobin could pour his most personal thoughts and secrets out. Ironic, but effective.
“I had the dream again” Soobin explained, not making eye contact with the woman in front of him. His eyes were on a plane that was flying through the azure sky, so small he could mix it up with a helpless bird.
“Is that so?” she asked, with the same curious tone she often used to keep Soobin talking.
“Mhm” Soobin hummed in agreement. “It was the same as all the other times.” He paused, focusing on the trail of white smoke left behind by the plane. “I told the boy in my dream he wasn’t real and he kissed me and apologized, saying that he’ll wait here for me to fall asleep again.”
“And then…?”
“Then I fell, and I woke up” he said, as if she didn’t know already. She took some notes –what for? he had had the same dream dozens of times!–, but otherwise said nothing. Soobin knew why she did it. She simply wouldn’t talk, knowing the boy would eventually bulge and start speaking his mind. Or his heart.
Soobin knew what she was trying to do, but he couldn’t compel himself not to fall for it. As the plane hid from view behind some tall skyscraper, Soobin finally focused his attention on the smart woman.
“It’s just… I just feel like I know him” he explained. “It doesn’t even make sense –it’s so stupid, because I– he’s not anyone I’ve ever met. At least, I don’t think I’ve met him… I mean, he could be anyone really, but…” He sighs, exasperated with himself and his stupid little brain. “I’m sure I’ve never met him, but I’m also sure I know him.” Soobin closed his eyes and shook his head, because he wasn’t not making any sense.
“You know him?” Dr. Kim asked, voice free of any judgment.
“I know him” he repeated, as if that was gonna make it any better.
Some seconds passed before the woman spoke up again. “And do you think you can find him?” she asked, completely serious.
“I do” the boy answered. “And I will.”
“Even though you don’t remember his face?” she questioned, without any ill-intent. Soobin, though, still felt an ache sting at his heart. Soobin kept his eyes closed, and took a deep breath. He tried to get rid of the frown that was surely showing on his face.
Ironically enough, Soobin couldn’t get himself to remember the face of the mysterious boy. He never remembered him. No matter how hard he tried, how many times he tired. He couldn’t remember him; he couldn’t recall his voice or his face; he couldn’t draw or describe him. He would wake up, startled from the feeling of falling, and he would remember nothing of the boy, save for the sound of his voice and the feeling of feeling like he was home.
“I’ll look for him” he uttered. “When I finally see him, I’ll know it’s him. I’m sure” he declared, with unyielding determination.
“Maybe” she supported. “Or maybe… maybe he will be the one to find you, and not the other way around.” Dr. Kim locked eyes with him, trying to covey with her eyes what she couldn’t through words: her support, but also her concern for his narrow-minded resolve.
“I’ll know it’s him” is the only answer he gave back.
The first time Soobin met Yeonjun… he actually doesn’t quite remember what it was like. It was rather inconsequential: a meeting with a group of friends from college, where social butterfly and golden boy Choi Beomgyu introduced everyone to everyone with a face-splitting grin and a whole lot of fist bumps. Soobin still thinks that being so happy all the time can’t be healthy for his face muscles.
He honestly didn’t know where Beomgyu found the time –or strength– to meet and keep in contact with so many people, but he wouldn’t pry.
The younger boy –the most extroverted person on campus–, by some twisted sense of humor of fate, ended up being paired as Soobin’s roommate –the most introverted person on campus. Yet, he somehow always managed to lure him into these get-togethers. Even when he should have been doing more important stuff, Beomgyu had a way with words that would tempt the coldest of hearts.
(And by important stuff Soobin meant sleeping, not getting any work done –because, frankly, who did anything worthwhile in college?)
Anyway, the point is that Soobin forgot Yeonjun’s name as soon as his roommate had told him, lost in the bombarding of introductions that he heard in the short span of a minute. That’s how Soobin knew Yeonjun –or anyone else in that table, for that matter– was not the mysterious boy from his dreams. Because Soobin knew, matter-of-factly, that something inside him would twist –something would snap, or quiver or change– when he finally saw the boy from his dreams for the first time.
Yeah, Soobin was hopeless like that.
So, when Yeonjun introduced himself to Soobin again a week later, the dimpled boy was, in fact, grateful to the older, since he couldn’t quite remember his name.
“Yeonjun” the older boy introduced himself, as he smiled at Soobin.
“Soobin” he said back, before looking at a very unimpressed Beomgyu, sitting on his bed.
“You’re both equally exasperating” was all Beomgyu said, before sighing dramatically. Soobin knew that the younger Korean had a gift for remembering names and faces –something Soobin (and apparently Yeonjun) didn’t excel at. But how could you blame them? People were all so similar, with their noses between their eyes and their hearts beating inside their chests! Soobin had many talents, but good memory wasn’t one of them.
“What are you doing?” Soobin settled with, ignoring his roommate’s remark.
“Planning how to conquer the heart of the love of my life” Beomgyu replied, grinning like a maniac. Soobin raised his eyebrows, surprised, not holding back his snicker.
“Yeah, right…” he allowed, not convinced in the slightest.
“We really are!” Beomgyu tried to convince him. “Tell him, Jun” he demanded, turning to the older boy, who was sitting on his desk chair.
The black-haired male only raised both his perfect eyebrows with a stupefied expression, like he had been caught red-handed. “I’m only here for the chips” he emphasized, raising said plastic bag.
“You’re the worst!” Beomgyu cried dramatically. “I thought I could trust you, Jun!”
Yeonjun only smiled sweetly –mischievously. “You can trust me, Gyu. Just make sure you have food while you’re at it.”
Soobin could only laugh at that, loving how Yeonjun tried to contain his playful expression while Beomgyu cried and asked God what he had done wrong to end up being friends with them. Seeing Beomgyu’s tragic expression, Soobin took pity on him and decided to ask again.
“So, who’s the lucky guy? Or girl?” He sat on the bed, next to Beomgyu.
“I don’t really know their name. All I know is that they’re non-binary and that red dye looks stunning on them” Beomgyu answered, sitting up and forgetting about the whining.
“So you find someone cute and you like them… How is that any different from all the previous times?” Soobin asked, curious. Yeonjun tried to contain his laugh but miserably failed.
Beomgyu narrowed his eyes, sending them fake death threats through his x-ray vision. “It truly is different” the boy continued, suddenly back to his sun-bright persona. The whiplash was scary. “I’m really, really, really into them.”
“I really don’t need to hear about your bedroom choices, Gyu” Soobin interrupted, knowing his roommate’s tendency to overshare at the first opportunity.
“No! For fucks sake, I’ve told you this is different!” Beomgyu complained. “I really like them” he tried again. “They’re like… super funny and witty, and they have this weird sense of humor that just cracks me up.” He smiled. “When they smile is like– like they light up the entire room, and when they laugh it makes my tummy feel all weird…”
“Okay, lemme just stop you there before I get cavities” Yeonjun interrupted hurriedly, with an expression of disgust as clear as day. Beomgyu pouted, clearly not liking getting his ramble interrupted.
Before silence could settle, Soobin smirked and spoke up. “You didn’t just say ‘tummy’ unironically, did you?” he teased, laughing as he was attacked by a pair of fists belonging to an embarrassed Beomgyu.
“Yah! Shut up! You’re both such awful friends!” Beomgyu cried.
“He did say that his tummy feels weird, Soobin. It must be… love!” Yeonjun mocked, with a high-pitched voice and a theatrical pause. Soobin cracked, not even pretending to contain his laugh anymore. Roasting Beomgyu was, without the shadow of a doubt, his favorite activity to engage in in his free time.
“I hate you guys so much” Beomgyu complained, taking the bag of chips from Yeonjun’s hands and starting to eat the contents noisily. “I need new friends.” Soobin shared a mischievous glance with Yeonjun, who looked just as satisfied as the dimpled boy himself felt.
Of course, Beomgyu had found the way to turn the tables around, firing Yeonjun and Soobin’s teasing back against them. In other words, the two older males had been guilt-tripped to accompany Beomgyu to a party where his love interest would be in. Because you’ve been so mean to me and you want to make it up to me, don’t you? he said, with large puppy eyes and a pout –and, shit, could that pout be powerful.
As expected, the party was hot and crowded and noisy. Everything Soobin hated.
For all of Beomgyu’s whining that ‘I need your moral support, I need you there’, the younger had disappeared as soon as they had stepped foot in the club. Soobin was left to dance with Yeonjun for the better part of the night, feeling the thrill of the night in their blood and the adrenaline flowing through their veins. Yeonjun danced well –like, professional kind of well. His movements were sharp and measured; perfect.
Soobin could have simply watched him dance all night, but that would have been creepy. Instead, he closed his eyes and let the atmosphere transport him elsewhere. Blue, red, green and purple lights shone on their skin while booming music blasted through the speakers.
Soobin probably wasn’t the only one thinking that Yeonjun looked like an angel, if the seven or so people that approached the older was anything to go by. Yeonjun turned them down kindly every time, not giving them any false hope, and continuing to dance a tad bit closer to Soobin every time.
At some point, Soobin, exhausted by all the dancing, left the floor to have something to drink. Yeonjun followed him through the crowd, taking his hand to not get lost. Yeonjun, being as well-known on campus as Beomgyu, was friendly with everyone that greeted them. And everyone meant quite literally everyone. Soobin really needed to find some introverted friends.
“Do you actually remember the names of all these people?” Soobin asked when they finally made it into the bar, where the loud music was not as deafening.
“Not really” the older answered, flustered. “I’m really bad at remembering names.” Yeonjun laughed, and Soobin followed because he could relate to that. “I mean, I do know who they are –like, where I know them from and what their interests are–, but their names… oof” he took a sip from his drink. “Never has been my forte. What about you?”
“Oh, well. I’m quite awful at remembering faces and names and interests and most things about most people in general” Soobin admitted, a bit embarrassed when saying it out loud.
Yeonjun let a genuine laugh that made Soobin smile. If laughs could be defined as pretty, Yeonjun’s would be. “I’ll drink to that” the black-haired said. He raised his glass, clinking it with Soobin’s, and drank the sweet alcohol like it was water.
Soobin and Yeonjun fell into easy conversation after that, talking like old friends that hadn’t seen each other in a long time. Yeonjun told Soobin about the dance classes he had been giving to some seven-year-olds, about his dream of becoming a full-time performer someday, and about his love for ramen. Soobin told him about his older sister and about his interest in dreams and how that led to him taking a psychology major.
Talking with Yeonjun came as naturally as breathing, and Soobin only realized when he checked a message that they had been talking for over an hour.
From: Gyu 3_3
[5:33] im not ging hoem tonight sooobb
[5:33] u can leavr withou me
“Wow. Impressive” Yeonjun deadpanned when Soobin showed him the message.
“I know, right? Ditched by my own roommate. How sad…” Soobin fake cried. Yeonjun giggled and– Soobin’s heart definitely didn’t skip a beat. Luckily, Soobin was sober enough not to let some stupid comment slip; something along the lines of ‘Wow, can you laugh again? Your laugh is so pretty’, which were Soobin’s thoughts at that very moment.
Right then, a chestnut-haired male appeared next to Yeonjun, throwing his arm around his shoulders. “Yeonjun, my boy!” he greeted, with the slurring voice of someone who had had too much to drink.
“Hey, Mark” Yeonjun said back, an easy smile on his face.
“You have to come with me –like, right now. There’re these chicks that are with us and we’re about to play a drinking game and…” the boy suggestively wiggled his eyebrows. “You definitely won’t want to miss it.”
Sensing that said plan didn’t include Soobin –and, frankly, wouldn’t want to be included in it–, the purple-haired spoke up.
“I think I’ll be leaving now” Soobin said, finishing the bottom of his drink and standing up.
Yeonjun looked back from Mark to Soobin, and disentangled the boy’s arm from his shoulders. “I think I’ll pass, Mark” he declined politely.
“Whaaat? Whyyy?” he asked, stretching the vowels. “You never let me set you up with anyone!” he whined. “I’m starting to think you’re ace, man.”
Yeonjun laughed good-naturedly. “I’m not, Mark, but thanks for the offer.”
“Yeah, yeah” Mark laughed, already stepping away from them. “See you!” he called, taking his leave.
A few minutes later, Yeonjun and Soobin had left the club, stepping in the cool night in companionable silence. The air at nearly five in the morning was anything but warm, yet Soobin felt content in the chilly autumn breeze. It was relaxing –therapeutic, even– to walk in silence in the middle of the night. It was too early for the hard-working adults to be waking up to go to their offices yet, and too late for couples to be wandering under the starry night.
Soobin hummed a soft tune while they walked back, but eventually stopped and blew into his hands as minutes passed. The chill was starting to get into his hands and feet.
“Are you cold?” Yeonjun asked, interrupting the perfect silence.
“Hm?” Soobin asked, confused, before processing the question. “Oh” he giggled as he blew into the hands again. “Only my hands” he said, rubbing them together in another attempt to prevent them from getting colder.
“Wait.” Yeonjun stopped and rummaged through the pockets of his jacket until he found a pair of black gloves. “Here.” Soobin was about to grab them when, instead, Yeonjun took the boy’s hand and put the glove in the taller’s hand himself. He then took the other hand and did the same, not once looking at Soobin’s in the eye.
Once done, the older didn’t let go of his hand. Instead, he took both of Soobin’s hands in his and rubbed them together to get them to warm up. Soobin swallowed, looking between their palms and Yeonjun’s eyes. When he looked up a second time, the black-haired male was looking back at him. He held his gaze for some limitless seconds, silence invading the air once again, until Yeonjun turned his head to look around.
“Isn’t it nice?” he asked, as he watched the scenery in front of him. The long roads of Seoul, usually filled to the brim with angry cars, were now completely calm, eerily so, like an ocean of asphalt. The two boys stood in the middle of a crossroad, not having bothered to follow the sidewalk when there were no cars that could run over them. The orange lights glowed and painted every surface in a nice balmy glow, while the black shadows stretched through cracks and the crown of the trees. It was comfortable and personal, like a secret that had never been told.
Soobin looked at the scenery in front of him, and then to Yeonjun, whose side profile looked ethereal in a way that only a dream or the alcohol could make someone look like. The orange glow of his skin somewhat reminded him of the lighting of a sunset. It actually reminded him of his dream. And Yeonjun reminded him of… No – that wasn’t possible. That was only his mind playing tricks on him. It wasn’t real; it was the alcohol doing funny tricks to his brain. But just for a moment, Soobin thought he had seen the boy of his dreams in Yeonjun –in his smooth skin and plump lips; in the hazy gleam of his eyes.
But no. It wasn’t real.
“Yes, it’s very nice” Soobin answered, wondering if he had actually fallen asleep. Yeonjun had a small smile on his lips that Soobin couldn’t help copying. Even if Yeonjun wasn’t the boy in his dreams, he still had a hypnotic aura that Soobin couldn’t quite ignore.
The older looked back at him and smiled wider, slowly letting go of his hands. They then continued their promenade to Soobin’s room, once again falling in conversation. Even if no one could overhear them, they both spoke in quiet whispers and soft smiles. It may have had to do with the mood of the night, but neither wanted to scare the tranquility away, so they walked a tad bit closer while sharing little stories and cozy words.
Soobin was glad his dreams were always in orange and pink, like a comical version of a black and white movie. If nothing else, at least it made him feel safe. Cold colors would have been too… too impersonal. Fields of warm clouds extended as far as the eye could see in an endless blanket of fluff, the setting sun far on the horizon.
Another thing he was grateful for was the melodic voice that filled up the silence. Even though it seemed to come from everywhere and nowhere at once, it was always the same voice: that of the pretty boy. He wouldn’t remember his voice when he woke up, but right at that moment he knew it was his for sure.
Music is the way you canalize your emotions, Dr. Kim had once told him, and Soobin had never had it in him to rectify her. It wasn’t that he didn’t canalize his emotions through music, which he did, rather it went way deeper. Music, songs, tunes, melodies… it was the shared language his brain and his heart spoke; it was the air he breathed, and his greatest source of strength. It only made sense his dreams would sing a thousand unknown melodies to get to him, even if he couldn’t remember the voice that sang them in the morning.
For all his shortcomings, Soobin had an undeniably good memory for music. So, he remembered every melody. He couldn’t forget them if he tried.
When a gentle wind caressed his cheek, Soobin knew he had to stop walking. It was always the same.
“Soobin!” the voice called, right as the background music stopped playing. Soobin turned his head to the outline of the boy that smiled at him, the sun at his back, and walked until he was standing in front of him.
The boy looked up at him with the same loving eyes and soft smile he always showed, familiar and foreign at the same time. “Soobin” he repeated, with something in his voice that could only be described as worship.
The pretty boy took his hands and intertwined their fingers. Soobin looked at their hands before giving them a tight squeeze, smiling softly even though he didn’t understand what was happening. It was always the same.
“You’re not real” he spoke like he was reading from a script.
The boy’s smile turned sad, but never flattered in his affection for the purple-haired boy in front of him. He delicately cupped Soobin’s face and caressed his right cheek with his thumb as he leaned in, kissing him softly.
“I’m sorry” the lovely boy apologized, resting his forehead against Soobin’s. “I’ll wait here for you to fall asleep again.”
With that, Soobin fell down from the clouds and woke up.
It was always the same.
After the night at the club, Yeonjun seemed to appear in every gathering that the boys attended. Or maybe he had always been there, but Soobin hadn’t paid enough attention to notice. That was probably a more feasible explanation, since Yeonjun was invited everywhere, being quite popular himself for his looks and charisma –or as popular as you could be among broke college students who lived off the money of their parents.
The purple-haired boy’s eyes seemed to zero on Yeonjun’s every time they met, the older already looking at him with the same kindness he had always shown Soobin. They seemed to have had a nameless connection since the night they walked together from the club.
Choi Soobin had always been one to keep to himself and had always felt more comfortable staying by his friends’ sides, never one to wander and talk more than needed. With Yeonjun, however, it became the most natural thing to do: sit by his side and start joking around like old friends, to let go and not stop. It felt so… right.
Turns out, strong bonds of friendship can sprout from roasting an annoying second-year college student named Beomgyu and sharing cold pizza at midnight. Who would have said it, huh?
Soobin still looked around every time he was introduced to new people, hoping that one of them –any of them– would be the boy from his dreams. He hoped for a grand revelation that would slow down time and play a cheesy song in the background as realization hit him when he found the person he had been looking for for months.
He was convinced he would recognize him. He had to.
By the time mid-term exams rolled around, it had become routine to introduce himself to new people as fast as possible and then shift all of his attention to Yeonjun.
The older boy had this aura around him that made him stand out like the North Star, shining brighter than any other. He caught the attention of boys and girls alike, attracted by his charisma like moths were to blue light. Yeonjun had an easy way with words and an even easier laugh. If anyone asked Soobin, he would say Yeonjun’s smile was his most beautiful feature, and probably the reason why so many people loved him. To himself –and only to himself–, however, Soobin would admit Yeonjun’s beauty lied somewhere else entirely: his soul. The older was good through a through, soft like a bunny and genuine like very few people were. Soobin especially liked how his loutish ear piercings were forgotten in his boyish charm and kind heart.
But that was too cheesy to say out loud, so he didn’t.
Despite his popularity, not once did Soobin feel like the older overlooked him. He was always as funny and sweet with him as he was with everyone else –if not more, an irritating little voice inside his head (that curiously sounded like Beomgyu) supplied. Yeonjun looked at him like he saw him. It was a weird thing to say, but Soobin didn’t have other words to describe it. Yeonjun focused all his senses on the other boy when he talked, even if he was telling the most stupid anecdote on Earth.
Yeonjun acknowledged him and, most importantly, he got him. The older would sometimes answer to Soobin’s half-finished questions like he knew what he was going to ask; he understood him and his weird hand gestures like they were the most common thing in the world, and he didn’t need to explain how he felt for the older to pick up on it. Yeonjun would even get him things he didn’t realize he needed, like a glass of water when he had had too much pizza and his mouth was dry, or a nice warm hug when he was feeling under the weather.
Yeonjun made him feel so comfortable, so incredibly understood, that he hadn’t thought twice about the consequences of letting all his walls down. It felt like they had known each other for years, even though they had first met some weeks ago. It felt like the most natural thing in the world.
To Soobin, Yeonjun was like home: no matter how long he had been away from him, going back was always sweet and safe.
It was dumb, really. How is it possible to feel like you’ve known a person your whole life, when in reality it’s only been a minute? How can it still feel like you could trust them with your life?
So dumb.
Maybe it was because of this unspoken understanding between them that Soobin found himself sitting on a couch, so close to Yeonjun that their arms were practically linked, in yet another gathering that a friend of a friend of Beomgyu had organized. It felt like the most natural thing in the world, being so close to the other; as natural as breathing.
Soobin had still not found the boy of the dream, but that was a thought that had been progressively put at the back of his mind. He always forgot about it as soon as he had laid his gaze on Yeonjun’s cat eyes and jet-black hair.
How easy would it be, if Yeonjun was the boy in my dreams. The thought startled Soobin so much he physically jerked up, surprising the relaxed Yeonjun next to him.
“Woah, you okay, Binnie?” the black-haired asked, frowning slightly.
“Yes, yes” he said, hurriedly, settling back on the couch, watching the circle of people around him. Most of them were absorbed in the conversation that a senior friend of Beomgyu was leading, all smiles and witty comments, and Yeonjun seemed to be the only one that noticed his slip.
The older sent him an unclear look, somewhere between concern and weirded-out-ness. “Are you sure?” he prompted again.
Soobin smiled fondly at the older’s concern. “Yeah, Junnie. I’m okay” Soobin assured him. He only realized it was true once he said it out loud.
Seeing the older’s genuine concern and soft eyes, the purple-haired could admit to himself that he wished Yeonjun was the boy in his dreams. He wouldn’t want anyone else taking that spot. He so wished he was the one waiting for him in his dreams –but, then again, who wouldn’t?
“Okay then” Yeonjun yielded, taking Soobin’s hand in his without much thought.
As the night went on and the drinks were passed, Beomgyu found his way to the two older students. He started talking with Yeonjun like he did with everyone: cheerily and easily. Even though they saw each other often, they still found new topics to talk about. That’s something Soobin admired –something he couldn’t do to save his life. How could you find topic after topic to talk about with someone you saw weekly?
You do that with Yeonjun, the little annoying voice in his head supplied once again. But Soobin pushed it aside quickly, knowing it was the alcohol talking.
“How’s it going with that special person?” Yeonjun asked at one point, earning the attention of Soobin, who had been dozing off on the older’s shoulder.
“Oh, very good!” Beomgyu answered, even more energized, if that was possible.
“He won’t shut up about them” Soobin moaned, taking any opportunity to complain. “Can’t you just woo them and put an end to my suffering?” he asked, directing his question to the youngest.
“Suffering?” Yeonjun asked, amused.
“Turns out Gyu’s lover is a psychology major like me, and Gyu’s been asking me to teach him some stuff to impress said crush” Soobin explained.
“Really?” Yeonjun shrieked, laughing lightly at Beomgyu.
“Oh, shush!” Beomgyu gestured with his hands, as if trying to scare the idea away. “Soobin is the only freak I know that likes all that psychy-subconscious-dream-psychoanalysis shit.” He paused to say something to Yeonjun’s ear but made no effort to not be heard over the music. “I swear to God, Yeonjun, he’s got some weird sort of kink with dreams…”
“Yah, you brat!” Soobin screeched. “That’s no way to talk to your elders!” He tried to jump on Beomgyu, only to be stopped by the heavenly laugh of an amused Yeonjun.
Yeonjun, for whatever reason, found that comment funny enough to start laughing whole-heartedly, a full grin splitting his face in half and making him look brighter than a diamond under the sun. The way his eyes crinkled and his teeth showed shamelessly –perfectly– made him look beautiful and limitless.
He had read somewhere that, when someone laughed, the first person they looked at was the person they trusted the most. Maybe it should have surprised Soobin how fast Yeonjun’s gaze found him, but he was too mesmerized by the sound of his giggles to create any coherent thought.
He was too far gone, really.
“I’m never letting you sleep on my bed again” was the first thing Yeonjun told him when Soobin entered the living room the next morning.
After the get-together, Soobin had been too tired to walk to his apartment, so he had invited himself to spend the night at Yeonjun’s. His bed was big enough to fit both boys without a problem, so they had slept next to each other without even pondering the option of Soobin sleeping on the couch. The purple-haired had slept comfortably enough, but apparently Yeonjun hadn’t.
“What? Why?” Soobin mumbled unintelligibly, as he sat on the stool by the kitchen island and buried his head in his arms. It was far too early in the morning for this. Yeonjun was cooking some simple breakfast –which Soobin would definitely steal once it was done–, and he looked unfairly good in his pajamas and bed hair. Soobin himself had an unmatched bed hair –and the remainings of drool by the corner of his mouth– but he doubted he looked half as good as the older did.
“You are freaky when you sleep!” the black-haired exclaimed. “You eyes move like crazy and you murmur like you’re calling on Satan!”
Soobin chuckled lightly, still sleepy. “Everyone does that, Jun” he informed him.
“I don’t” he stated, sure of himself.
“Of course you do, Jun.” He raised his head as he looked at Yeonjun, who was leaning against the counter, looking every piece of a meal– I mean, looking like a very very capable cook.
“How do you know?” the older asked, a bit weary before his face morphed into a mischievous smirk. “Have you been spying on me while I sleep?” he teased.
Soobin sighed. It was also too early in the morning to deal with flirty Yeonjun. “I haven’t.” And it was true. He had been out like a light the moment his head had hit the pillow, and he had slept like a baby. However, the image of beautiful Yeonjun sleeping next to him, eyes closed, eyelashes calm and breath mere inches apart… did make things to his stomach.
He blushed unintentionally, cursing himself for not having stayed awake to see that image. “Of course you haven’t” Yeonjun continued to tease him.
“It takes one to know one” Soobin said, more confidently than he felt, before the older could mock him any further. He was surprised to see the older’s face lit up at his words.
Maybe Yeonjun wasn’t as cool about everything as he seemed.
“Anyway, that freaky eye movement, as you say, is called R.E.M.” Soobin started, conversation coming easily. “It’s the stage of sleep where most of our dreams happen and an essential phase for learning and memory. It also helps the mind recover from distressing experiences by suppressing them, so I hope for your own good that you do go through it.”
Yeonjun didn’t answer for some seconds, looking at the dimpled boy amusedly. “So this is what Beomgyu meant when he said you had a dream kink, huh?” he teased.
It took the younger some moments to remember the conversation they had had with Beomgyu the previous night, but when he did–“Yah! You asshole!”
Yeonjun laughed openly –read: lovingly– and Soobin tried to cover his embarrassment with mean comments. So, when Yeonjun finished making breakfast, the purple-haired stole his food as retaliation.
Not that he would acknowledge that Yeonjun had cooked food for two.
After eating breakfast and changing into nicer clothes they unanimously decided to go to a café nearby. The shirt that Yeonjun had lent him was a tight fit on his larger frame, but it showed his built nicely, so he didn’t mind wearing it. It definitely didn’t have anything to do with the fact that it smelt like Yeonjun. Nope…
When they entered the coffee shop, Yeonjun went to the counter to order, while asking Soobin to find them a “cozy spot” in the café, even though the whole place was cozy and the tables were all the same. Still, he sat next to the windows, knowing how much Yeonjun liked seeing people walk by and overall just get lost in thought watching the city traffic.
Soobin hadn’t had a break from being with Yeonjun for hours. While interacting with someone for hours would usually burn him out, he found that he was not tired of being with the boy all night long. Quite the opposite, in fact.
Why did he feel so giddy and safe with Yeonjun? Why did he feel like he could trust his heart and soul to him, and not even be concerned about it?
It didn’t take a genius to know that Soobin was possibly developing the smallest, tiniest, microscopic-est crush on the older boy. But how could he not, when all that Yeonjun was to Soobin was sweet and funny and reliable?
As the boy combed his fingers through his purple locks, he could feel the regret rolling through his bones. That’s not how it was supposed to work. He was supposed to find the mysterious boy from his dreams –yes, he was real– and fall in love with him. He was supposed to cross eyes with a stranger across the room and automatically feel like a part of him had been found. He had to think ‘yeah, he’s the one’, and then proceed to fall in love with him.
He was supposed to fall in love straight away, not… slowly and unknowingly. He had to fall in love abruptly, and he had to fall in love with the mysterious dream boy. Not gradually. And definitely not with cat-eyed, bad-jokes-teller, shrimp-chips-lover Yeonjun.
Not with the most incredible boy he had ever seen.
As Yeonjun smiled at the staff that handed him their drinks, Soobin’s heart stuttered. It felt so full he didn’t understand how it fitted in his chest.
At that moment, he thought of the dream boy. He thought of him and his dreams and about his increasingly obvious feelings for Yeonjun, and Soobin felt bad. He felt bad because, while the dream boy was waiting for him, Soobin wasn’t waiting back. Not because he didn’t want to, but because… because he already had found happiness at an arm’s reach. If he had Yeonjun, he didn’t think he would ever need a boy in a dream to make him happy.
The pink and orange hues the clouds cast all over the place were familiar against the pretty boy’s skin. It looked as if someone had haphazardly painted the boy’s face, like a white canvas. The sight was so painfully familiar, the memory so real, that he couldn’t help but follow the steps he had taken hundreds of times before.
The melody had just stopped playing as Soobin walked to the dark-haired boy, until he was standing right in front of him, barely a few centimeters from his face. Soobin was too mesmerized by the way the colors of his skin mixed with the light of his eyes to notice the silence that the music had felt behind.
He was still taller, and the boy was still looking at him with the most loving eyes and softest of smiles. He looked back at him with eyes that held entire galaxies and burned with adoration. The faintest rosiness tinted his full cheeks, which stretched with a smile as the boy repeated his name a second time. “Soobin.”
The pretty boy took Soobin’s hands and intertwined their fingers. It felt so familiar, so good, that Soobin almost forgot what came next. Soobin looked at their hands before squeezing them, smiling softly at the sheer love that a simple touch could convey. When he dreamt, Soobin always wished he could hold him for an eternity, but…
But he remembered what came next, and he fell in step with the script.
“You’re not real.” It wasn’t sharp or mean, only realistic.
The boy’s smile, as always, turned sad. Soobin had always thought it was because the boy had embraced that fact long ago, but that smile… wasn’t only one full of hope. It was also knowing –like he was keeping an open secret–, and loving –like holding Soobin’s hands was enough for now–, and heartbroken –like… like this was actually real.
Above it all, his smile reminded him of something.
Someone.
Letting go of Soobin’s hands, the boy brought them to the taller’s cheeks, cupping his face like he was precious. The boy caressed his right cheek with his thumb and then leaned in, their warm breaths becoming one as their eyes closed, lips meeting in the middle. The kiss was soft –it always was–, like the touch of a cloud.
When they broke apart, their foreheads rested against each other. Soobin opened his eyes again and immediately found pretty cat eyes looking back at him.
“I’m sorry” the lovely boy apologized. “I’ll wait here for you to fall asleep again.”
That’s how it was supposed to end. That’s how it always did. Soobin would fall and the dream would end.
Except, this time, it didn’t.
“You can’t keep waiting for me to fall asleep” Soobin whispered, raising a hand to caress the other’s cheek like the black-haired was doing with him.
“Then I’ll wait for you to wake up” he answered, eyes looking at Soobin before he fell from the clouds and woke up.
Junnie bunny <3
[17:12] when do ur classes end?
[17:12] wasn’t it 17h??
[17:15] ah shoot
[17:15] i’ve just seen the message
[17:16] where u told me u finish at 17.30
[17:16] i’ll wait then
[17:16] by the fountain
[17:16] the one with the naked ladies statues
[17:21] isn’t it like,, sexist, to have these kind of statues?
[17:21] or is it like,, empowering?
[17:21] or is it whatever? bc it’s just art?
[17:21] i can never really tell the difference
[17:25] we’ll need some ramen if we want to eat something tonight
[17:26] and drinks
Mini-binnie <3
[17:28] ffs, could you, like,, not blow my phone w messages
[17:28] my deskmate looked like he wanted to kill me
Junnie bunny <3
[17:28] stfu i was bored
[17:28] now stop texting n get ur fat arse here
Soobin sighed exasperatedly as he locked his phone and gathered the rest of his belongings. He made a quick exit of the building, saying his goodbyes to some of his colleagues, before heading to the fountain of the naked ladies, as Yeonjun had so kindly put it.
When Soobin spotted the older, he wasn’t surprised to see him talking with some girls animatedly. He recalled sharing a class or two with them, but he couldn’t quite remember their names. Yeonjun looked possibly ethereal, with the reds, oranges and pinks from the sunset framing his lean figure and highlighting every curve and angle.
He looked like a daydream.
As he made a beeline for his friend, the other saw him, said his goodbyes to the girls and immediately tackled him into a hug. “Binnie! Why did you take so long?!” he screeched into his ear. The purple-haired, used to it, only hugged him back, both staying in place for a beat too long for the embrace to simply be considered friendly. Not that Soobin would admit that.
“It was your fault, that you showed up half an hour earlier” the dimpled boy laughed. As they moved apart, Soobin focused his attention on the two girls, who were looking at them from afar with a mix of fondness and jealousy. Not that Soobin would admit that, either.
Yeonjun threw an arm over Soobin’s shoulders as they started to make their way to the exit of the campus –even though Soobin was taller, and the black-haired had to walk on his tiptoes to keep the positioning. They talked and joked and basked in each other’s presence like lizards on a hot summer day, everything falling into place.
They stopped by a convenience store to buy ramen and drinks before making it to Yeonjun’s apartment. Unlike Soobin, who shared his with loud horny bastard Beomgyu, Yeonjun had an apartment all to himself. Sure, it wasn’t that big –Seoul’s rent prices were still a crime against humanity–, but it was a nice cozy space that he got all to himself.
“Home, sweet home” Yeonjun sighed, as he dropped his bag by the entrance and slouched on the sofa. The younger only laughed and followed suit, sitting next to Yeonjun.
“Watch Friends with me?” the black-haired demanded, after some seconds, looking at the taller with puppy eyes. They would have been cringey on any other person, but the fake-watery eyes somehow made him look cute(r).
Soobin smiled fondly and indulged him, sitting next to the older boy and setting up the show on the TV. As the opening credits started playing, Yeonjun cuddled to his side, resting his head on the taller’s shoulder. The series played and Yeonjun dropped some comments here and there, but they otherwise stayed in silence.
Honestly, Soobin wasn’t watching what was going on, rather preoccupied with relaxing next to the raven-haired boy. As much as he wished he could have found out who the boy from his dreams was, he wouldn’t change the warmth of Yeonjun’s hold for anything.
This was how it was supposed to be. This was perfect.
The chapter finished and Soobin didn’t realize they were drowned in silence until Yeonjun broke it. “A penny for your thoughts?” he whispered, because they were so close that they didn’t need to speak any louder.
“Oh,” Soobin got surprised, as he tried to extract himself from his bundle of thoughts. Before he could even think of an excuse, he spoke. “I was just thinking how nice it is to hold you close” he uttered, without missing a beat. He would blame the sleepiness he was feeling for his words, even if they came from the heart.
The older hummed in understanding and nodded, a perfectly composed image that contrasted with the way his ears and cheeks grew hot red the very next second. Soobin noticed his heartbeat peak, finally processing his own words –what the hell, brain?!–, but also tried to maintain his composure.
Cool. Totally cool.
After cooking the instant ramen and eating it in half the time it had taken to make it, Yeonjun and Soobin decided to freshen up and have a movie marathon. Well, or as much of a marathon as their tired eyelids allowed them to.
“Remind me again why are you staying the night?” Yeonjun asked, laying on the sofa, lazily scrolling through his phone.
“Be’cs Gwu huwin’ a purs’n uv’er” Soobin answered with the toothbrush hanging between his lips, as he too scrolled through his feed.
“Go spit that and then you tell me, you pig” Yeonjun said, fondly, looking up from the phone screen.
Soobin rolled his eyes and walked to the sink, doing as the older had asked. After rinsing the remaining toothpaste, Soobin repeated his answer. “Because Gyu’s having a person over.”
“Wait, wait!” Yeonjun stood up with his elbows, looking at the younger with burning curiosity. “The one he’s been pining over for weeks?”
“The one and only” Soobin announced, amused at the other’s antics. “I was honestly surprised he didn’t get tired of them in like, a week. Guess his efforts paid back.”
“That brat didn’t tell me!” Yeonjun complained, as dramatic as ever. “Guess we’ll have to pay them a visit tomorrow and embarrass him in from of his crush, huh?” Yeonjun teased maniacally with a smirk.
“You can do whatever you want, but I won’t be going to that apartment until they tell me it’s safe to come in without seeing them fuck like rabbits” he declared, earning a disgusted expression by Yeonjun.
“Touché” the older conceded. “Bothering them can wait another couple weeks.”
They then settled on the couch in one giant blanket burrito, watching movie after movie and trying not to fall asleep. Well, Soobin was trying not to fall asleep. Yeonjun, on the other hand, was captivated by the explosions and special effects of yet another Marvel movie that looked exactly the same as the previous one.
At one point, Soobin fell asleep in the other’s arms, his cheek squished against the raven-haired shoulder. It wasn’t comfortable enough to fall completely asleep, but it wasn’t for lack of trying on Soobin’s part.
He was wakened by a soft pressure on the tip of his nose. A kiss? What?
As he opened his eyes, he saw Yeonjun looking at him with a warm smile and sparkling eyes. The movie must have been good, then, if he was so happy.
“Come on, Binnie, let’s put you to bed” the older whispered.
“…m’not a kid” the purple-haired mumbled through the haze of his sleep.
“Sure, cutie pie” the older teased, giggling. Oh God, how could his laugh be so precious?
Despite his previous protest, Soobin didn’t complain when the older guided them to the bedroom and tucked them in, plaint like a doll.
“Good night, Binnie” Yeonjun whispered. Soobin has his eyes closed, about to go to dreamland, but he was still awake enough to answer.
“G’night baby” he said, without thinking. “I love you” he muttered.
And then he slowly drifted off. And then–
Yeonjun moved.
And he moved again.
And he moved yet another time.
Every time Soobin was about to fall asleep, the older boy repositioned himself and disturbed him. It was as if he had a raccoon in his pants that wasn’t letting him sleep.
By the sixth time the older boy had changed positions, Soobin was having trouble falling asleep himself. And it was only then, when his head was clearer, that he realized the extent of what he had just said.
I love you.
Shit.
Shit. Shiit, shit, shit, shit, shit.
What should he do? Had he really confessed his feelings for the boy like that? Was he really that much of a clown?
No. No, everything is fine, Soobin tried to calm himself. He had told Beomgyu he loved him countless times before, and it had never been weird or awkward. He did love Beomgyu. And he also loved Yeonjun. No lie here. It was no big deal.
Except that he was as far away from having romantic feelings for Beomgyu as he was from being straight, while the feelings he had for Yeonjun were nothing short of unrestrained adoration and romantic desires.
Shit.
So, he did what he was best at: ignoring his problems and making it as if everything was fine.
“You can’t sleep?” Soobin asked as the older moved yet another time. He wouldn’t address his words from earlier. He opened his eyes and saw the other looking back at him apologetically, if not with a bit of surprise too.
“Shit, I’m sorry” the black-haired muttered, lying still, facing the dimpled boy.
“It’s okay” he assured him. He couldn’t shake the feeling that he had to say something. After some beats of silence, Soobin gathered the courage to speak again. “Do you want me to sing for you? To sleep?”
“Oh! I– uhm…” Yeonjun hesitated, and Soobin feared he had made a fool of himself. Again. It was a childish proposal, wasn’t it? And it surely was a bit egotistical to think your voice was soothing enough to put someone to sleep, right? Sleepy Soobin was definitely not a sensible Soobin. Before Soobin could even open his mouth to backtrack, however, the older talked. “Yes, please” he muttered, low enough not to be heard, but still loud enough to get through Soobin’s heart. “Sing for me, please?” he repeated, when Soobin only stared at him.
“Yes– yeah, of course” he stuttered, trying to relax. It was just music. He had done this a thousand times.
It’s only Yeonjun, he thought. Sweet, lovely Yeonjun. Which is precisely why he had to close his eyes, lest he poured all his heart, soul and emotions in his singing while he looked at the beauty before him.
He hummed a melody that came to his mind at that moment. It didn’t have any lyrics, which was great to prevent himself from messing it up. The melody was relaxing, like a hug, and affectionate, like a caress, and endlessly sweet, like a slice of chocolate cake. With his eyes closed, it was easy to forget where he was, and who he was with. So, he got lost in the moment and let his voice wander through the room like a warm blanket, letting his emotions pour in lyrics that could not be heard.
As the song came to an end and his voice got increasingly quiet, Soobin became aware of the closeness of their bodies. He was practically sharing the air he breathed with Yeonjun. Were they that close before?
Almost reluctantly, Soobin opened his eyes and took the view in front of him. Yeonjun was so close he could count the hairs on his eyebrows, but the expression of utter adoration couldn’t be mistaken for anything else than that. His eyes shone with unshed tears and lov– affection.
“What song is that?” the older asked, his voice rough and still so incredibly kind.
“Oh, well–“ Soobin drifted off, realizing he had hummed one of the melodies he had heard in his dreams. The melody that the dream boy had sung for him. “It’s just… I don’t know, just a tune” he tried to lie.
“Yeah?” Yeonjun asked knowingly but sweetly.
“Uhm” Soobin giggled nervously. He was embarrassed, but he had never been able to lie to Yeonjun. Not that he ever wanted to. “It’s actually from a… a dream” he confessed.
As he said it, he tore his gaze away from the other’s eyes, too self-conscious. That proved to be a bad idea, as he ended up looking at the boy’s plump lips. They were parted and a bit dry… and so very inviting. It wouldn’t take much, really. Only the tiniest of movements and he’d be kissing the most stunning boy on Earth. Quite the bargain, huh?
Right then, the older’s lips closed, and he started humming…
Soobin's eyes snapped and locked with Yeonjun’s.
Yeonjun was humming another melody. A melody that Soobin had only ever heard in his dreams. The older had let the tears flow through his cheeks freely, but he sang with the same precision and beauty that he had in his dreams.
Unlike Soobin, Yeonjun kept their eyes locked the entire time, not shying away from the purple-haired's stare. Somewhere in the middle, either Soobin or Yeonjun had intertwined their hands in a soft grip.
It was only when the boy stopped his humming that Soobin realized the reason he was seeing everything blurrier by the moment was that he was crying. Still, he made no effort to hide them from the cat-eyed boy.
He trusted him. With all of his heart.
“Soobin” the boy’s voice called. He had a musical voice, clam and welcoming, loud in the sudden silence, just like he remembered it. It was familiar and comforting as much as it was alien and homesick, like a forgotten memory that is brought back to life.
Soobin couldn’t see his expression through his tears and the darkness of the night, but he knew it was sweet and light-hearted. How did he know? He simply did.
Soobin blinked away the water in his eyes and instantly zeroed on the older’s peaceful gaze. Yeonjun was looking at him with the most loving eyes and softest of smiles. He looked at him with eyes that held entire galaxies and burned with adoration. The faintest rosiness tinted his full cheeks, which stretched with a smile as the boy repeated his name. “Soobin.”
Soobin gave their intertwined hands a tight squeeze, smiling ever so softly at the boy in front of him. His hand felt like satin, and it was just as smooth. He wished he could hold him for all eternity.
The boy in my dream.
When he took his next breath, Soobin already knew what he was going to say.
“You’re real.” It wasn’t neutral or tense, rather loving –sweet, warm, airy like clouds tinted in pink and orange
The boy’s smile didn’t flatter. If anything, it turned bigger and brighter. Letting go of Soobin’s hand and bringing it to his cheek, he cupped Soobin’s face like he was made out of precious ceramic. “Yeah.”
Yeonjun caressed his right cheek with his thumb and then leaned in, their warm breaths mingling and their eyes shutting, closing the few centimeters between them until their lips met in the middle. It was a soft kiss. Short and innocent. Warm.
Real.
When they broke apart, their foreheads resting against the other’s, Soobin opened his eyes again and immediately found Yeonjun looking back at him.
Yeonjun. It had always been him.
“You waited.” Soobin had meant to make it a question, but it came out as a statement.
“I’ll always wait for you” he assured him, continuing to caress his cheek. “I’ll wait for you to fall asleep and I’ll wait for you to wake up.”
“And then?” Soobin brought his palm to his cheek, placing it over the older’s hand.
“Then I’ll be here, by your side, for as long as you’ll have me.”