Chapter Text
You had been pacing back and forth, going from your bedroom to your living room, picking up a book and then putting it back down. The feeling that was settled in your lower gut was an unpleasant one that you had experienced many times before. Before exams, doctor appointments, important presentations. It made you impossible to stay motionless, the itching in your stomach and your legs growing as the time for you and Frank to meet approached.
He had explained that he needed to finish up some work with Matt and Foggy so that he would arrive around nine. Nine. You were thinking, should you cook some dinner ? Or just get some snacks ? You thought maybe it would be too much, this wasn't a date after all, right ? But it was rude not to offer food to a guest.
So you figured you would just prepare a small dinner. Not too excentric but still polite. Except it was only 5 when you got done and you realized just how early you had done it. So now you had to find something to do for the next four hours. You decided on watching a movie. That would take up a few hours, right ?
But as you sat down, your mind kept wandering back to Frank. You weren't sure if there were good nerves or not. You thought to yourself that he seemed pretty positive after your... lunch. So you tried to rationalize the situation and used the breathing exercise your therapist had given you to release some of the stress.
Around half eight, you suddenly heard four hard knocks on your door. You perked up, desperately hoping it was the man you'd been waiting for all afternoon and not some neighbour in search of sugar. You looked into the mirror beside your front door and fixed your hair before taking a deep breath and opening the door.
You couldn't help your lips from turning up into a genuine smile when you looked up and saw his dark eyes looking down at you. The corner of his lips raised into a small smirk.
"Hey." he said, waiting for you to say something.
"Hi." you answered nervously before stepping away from the door, a silent invitation for him to come in.
You were trying to analyze him. He seemed to be a little nervous which wasn't a very good sign if you were honest. You noticed his normally focused eyes were a bit distracted, looking around the room and avoiding contact with yours. You frowned a bit, not liking the energy he was projecting. You just shook your head, convincing yourself you were paranoid.
You cleared your throat to get his attention, making him look away from the many retro film posters you had up, and started walking in your living room, making him follow you. He had his hands in his pockets, and you could hear the sound of his boots on the floor as he took large strides. You finally stopped when you reached the coffee table that was between your sofa and television and turned around to face him again.
"So, I don't know if you're hungry but I prepared some-" and before you could even finish your sentence he cut you off by saying your name which alarmed you.
"I'm sorry, but I won't be here for too long." he said, his tone serious and you could feel your heartbeat picking up as the nervousness you felt earlier settled tenfold in your stomach again.
"Why ?" you said, barely a whisper. You weren't sure you even wanted the answer if you were honest. It was his turn to clear his throat as he looked down. It seemed he really didn't want to meet your gaze and you were understanding that this was not going to be the pleasant conversation you thought it would be. You could already feel a small bubble climbing up and resting in the back of your throat.
"I just wanted to come and say I'm sorry.", he started and took a pause before finally looking into your eyes. When he did, his face fell so you knew you probably looked devastated right now. He sighed and looked down in shame, "I'm sorry, I never meant for any of that to happen. I got carried away, and... I thought you hated me at first because of everything I did. But even if you don't, I do. And that just means that I can't have you near me, I can't expose you to all of this."
As he started talking, you could feel your eyes stinging. But when he continued, the stinging travelled down to your heart and to protect it, anger took over your senses.
"So you just wanted to fuck me then ?" you asked, your voice low as your tried not to let your sadness show. He looked stunned at that and frowned, his mouth opening slightly to let out a response which he didn't seem to find immediately.
"No. That's not-"
You cut him off before he could continue, your emotions taking over.
"Because it sure seems like it, Frank. You know that's a bullshit excuse just to not have to deal with this after you had sex with me."
This seemed to anger him too as he advanced towards you.
"No ! That's not it ! Everyone that is close to me seems to get caught up in my business and they end up dead or hurt ! I don't want that to happen to you." he said, his voice growing louder.
"Well maybe you should've thought of that before you fucked me then !" you answered, your volume matching his.
"I know, it was a mistake !" he said and at that you took a step back, as if he had slapped you across the face and he might as well have, you thought. That confession actually stung the most since the beginning of your confrontation and your anger dissolved, washing over your body and settling into a thin layer of sadness that wrapped around you and took over.
He closed his eyes and sighed at your reaction.
"That's not what I meant." he said, his voice now calm, as if to not startle you more.
"I want you to leave." you whispered, your eyes fixed on a stain on your carpet that you never managed to get out after spilling some oil on it. This time, you couldn't stop the bubble in your throat from taking over even as you tried swallowing around it, and the tears naturally came up to your eyes.
He said your name, reaching for your arm but you stepped away.
"Please.", you begged, ready for him to be gone and to just sink into the floor, "You're right, this should have never happened."
He frowned deeper and nodded before turning around silently. You couldn't even bare to look up and watch his retreating form because you just knew you would crumble. Out of your peripheral view, you could see him grabbing the doorknob and looking back at you hesitantly. He decided against saying anything else though and turned the doorknob, finally walking out and closing the door softly behind him.
As you heard the click of the door indicating that he was really gone, you finally gave in to everything you were feeling. Your knees felt weak so you lowered yourself to the floor and let the tears fall as sobs were pushed out of your throat. You cried and cried.
To be honest, it's not like you had talked one on one a lot with the man but you still thought you had something. During those first weeks, you naturally gravitated towards each other and even though that attraction was clearly there, you could tell he felt grateful to finally be accepted by a group of people, including you.
You had let your hopes get the better of you and thought maybe you finally found someone that would treat you right. You knew he was a good man. All of those thoughts being crushed so quickly were the reason you felt so sad over this situation.
You stayed there for a while, trying to wrap your head around everything and trying to convince yourself it wasn't your fault. Your sobs eventually quietened down and all that was left was a weight on you brain and your heart.
You got up and took a shower, to clean yourself of the humiliation and the heartbreak. Maybe it was actually your fault for getting attached to people too quickly, you thought. The man was probably lonely and needed some physical contact. Even though it was shitty, it's not like he had any obligations towards you, right ? It was your fault for not checking with him before you let yourself get carried away by your attraction.
So you managed to convince yourself that all of this was your fault somehow. You went to your kitchen and looked at the food in disgust. You had put a lot of effort into it though, so you still put some on a plate and sat down, putting on your favourite movie to distract you and enjoying the delicious food even though it left a bitter sweet taste on your tongue.
You called in sick the next day, not ready to face anyone quite yet and ignored Karen, Matt and Foggy's worried texts. You just needed a day away from everyone and everything.
The next day, you woke up at nine and spent the whole morning psyching yourself up for what was about to happen. You got ready, spending a little extra time putting on makeup to hide any proof that you had been crying for the past day and a half. You grabbed the lunch boxes you prepared the night before and left.
You felt the nerves settling in even more as you stepped up to the door that said Nelson and Murdock, Attorneys at Law. You turned the doorknob and walked in, feeling like you were about to collapse as you saw four pairs of eyes land on you. Before you could talk, Foggy smiled and walked towards you.
"Oh, thank God. We had to get food ourselves yesterday and let me tell you, it was not good for my tastebuds."
You laughed and hugged him.
"I missed you too, Foggy."
You took out the lunch boxes, and put one in front of everyone, saying hi to Matt and Karen. When you placed the last box in front of Frank, you didn't meet his eyes and gave a timid hi.
You all ate, and Karen and Foggy were the ones to lead the conversation as usual, which was nice. You felt yourself finally relaxing after two days even though you were clearly avoiding any contact with Frank but you were able to let loose and laugh with your friends.
As you gathered all the boxes before leaving, you felt Matt touch your elbow when you were leaning over the desk.
"Can I talk to you privately ?" he asked, his voice low. You looked up at him and nodded before standing up and following him in his office. He closed the door behind you and faced you, hands on his hips.
"Are you okay ?" he asked, his tone sincere.
"Yes, I'm fine." you answered, trying to make your voice as light as possible which made him sigh.
"You know you can lie to anyone but me." and it was your turn to sigh.
"I just messed up and let my emotions take over, but I'm honestly going to be okay, it's no big deal."
He stayed still for a moment, listening for any signs of uncomfortableness. When he detected you were telling the truth, he nodded and walked towards you, giving you a hug.
"'Cause you know I can beat him up if you need me to." he said, voice low. You chuckled and hugged him back, your arms tightening around him.
"Thanks, Matty. I'll let you know if I need you to."
As you left the office, you looked towards Frank and saw him already looking at you, arms crossed over his chest. You nodded at him, giving him a tight smile, and he smiled back hesitantly. You decided you wouldn't let this come between any of your friendships. You could be friends again with no ambiguity, right ?