Chapter Text
Objectively, Jimin knew that was he was doing was stupid.
He knew that renting a cabin in the middle of the woods and disappearing for a couple of months was insane.
But they were all on vacation after god knows how long, and being stuck at home, alone, re-reading the same hate tweets over and over again while his band mates had the time of their lives all across the world wasn't doing anything good for his soul.
He wanted, or better yet, needed, to vanish. To be gone with the wind.
So yes, he found himself a small shack near a random forest. Bought enough food to survive in there for a few weeks. Rented a car and ran away from civilization, to a place where no one would ever find him. Where Wi-Fi wasn't a thing, the only tweets were those of the birds on the trees, and no human interaction was needed to survive, at all.
At first, it was lonely. But slowly, he got used to the quietness. To pass the time he read a mountain of books, cooked a wild variety of meals, played some music he never knew about before, wrote new lyrics, danced with total freedom and spontaneity... All by himself. No comments, no judgment, just freedom.
He hadn't had felt that carefree in a while.
Not when he was on the road, not when he was at home. Always thinking about interviews, critics, diets, exercise, his routine. He couldn't do what he wanted, only follow orders. Only listen, and be quiet. Watch as he was ostracized by the entire planet, in complete silence.
Well fuck that.
He didn't care anymore.
He wanted the pleasure to be alone to be his.
And it was, for three entire weeks.
The first time he actually checked his phone was when he drove to the closest town around, wanting to buy a few snacks he had been craving. His plan was to make a quick run for the cookies and return to his isolated solace, without bothering anyone.
But once his phone connected to the WiFi, a tsunami of unread messages washed up on his notification tab.
And then he realized; he had fucked up, big time.
In his desperation to go AWOL, he had forgotten to tell anyone about his plans. And now everyone - including his own family- thought he was dead.
Did he feel bad for realizing how worried his loved ones were, after checking every single chat? Yes, of course he did.
Did he laugh after reading the disastrous chain of texts Taehyung had sent him, threatening to hunt him down in person if he didn't show any signs of life any time soon? Well, that was also correct.
After buying everything he needed, he stepped out of the convenience store and sat down on the ground outside. He then did something he hadn't in weeks; called his best friend. Messaging him back didn't feel quite right, he wanted to make sure the distressed man could hear his voice.
"Where the FUCK are you?!" Was the first thing he heard, and had to fight against his urge to burst out laughing before replying:
"Hi to you too."
"Hi? Hi?! Are joking-? Are you okay?! You've been gone for three weeks! No one knows where you are! What the hell are you doing?!"
"I'm sorry, I am... I just... I didn't want to bother anyone..."
"Bother? We're worried sick!!! We tried reaching out to the police because we thought that you were missing! But then they found out that you had travelled somewhere alone, and the company knew about it, but didn't want us to know where, and in the end we all lost our minds trying to figure out what the hell was happening!-"
"I'm sorry."
"Sorry doesn't cut it! We thought you had left the group! We thought something really bad happened! We'd thought you... You..."
"What?"
"W-why would someone famous vanish suddenly and not even leave a goodbye note, Jimin?..." His voice cracked. "We t-thought you were thinking of doing something stupid..."
"What? No... I wasn't..."
He stopped. It wasn't like he hadn't thought about death or dying before. But this time around, his trip had nothing to do with it. He just wanted space.
"Well, that's what we thought!"
"I just wanted to disconnect, that's all. You don't have to worry that much about me..."
"You're family, goddamn it! Of course we have to worry! I, for once, am freaking the fuck out!"
Okay, Taehyung was swearing more and more.
Now he was actually feeling bad.
"I'm near Wolchulsan... I'll send you my address..."
"Good, because I'm going down there to get you!"
"Tae-"
"No! You won't change my mind! I'm going, so stay right where you are!"
"I don't want to ruin your vacation..."
"Nonsense, just wait for me."
Jimin blinked, then sighed. He knew his best friend well enough to be absolutely certain that he meant every single word. He had no choice but agree.
"I will."
---
Three and a half hours later, he saw two bright headlights shine against his cabin's front windows. Then, he heard wheels moving, a door opening and closing in a hurry, and his soulmate scream his name like a melancholic wolf. Hell, not even wolves would howl as loud.
He opened the door.
"No need to shout, I'm right-" he couldn't finish the sentence. In a fraction of a second he was pulled forward and trapped in an bone crushing, earth stopping hug.
"Are you out of your mind?!"
"Kinda."
"What the fuck are you doing out here?!" He pulled away, replacing his concern with anger.
"I... Wanted to see the trees." That was a terrible excuse, and he knew it right away. Thankfully his accidental sarcasm made it come off as a less stupid of an reason. "You know... It's cold. Let's go inside."
Taehyung eyed him like he had lost all sanity, but did as he was told.
"Jimin, what-"
"Do you want hot chocolate?"
The visitor blinked a few times, genuinely confused. He felt like aliens had abducted his best friend and left some sort of clone behind.
Last time they talked, Jimin had been stressed over eating a salad. Now he was drinking hot chocolate with marshmallows?! There was a fucking bag of marshmallows laying half open on the table??? What the hell was happening?
"Are you okay?" Taehyung asked, and almost seemed to be talking to himself as well. "What is all of this?"
Jimin stared at the mountains of candy and snacks around him.
"This... This is me getting tired of giving a fuck." He said plainly, before handling him a mug he had prepared beforehand.
"What do you mean?..."
The dancer sighed.
"Lately things... Were not going that well for me. And I realized I was falling into old habits again... Not sleeping, then checking Twitter to pass the time, googling stuff that was not so nice about myself... And feeling like I was being dragged to the same black hole I struggled so hard to come out of, a few years ago." He grabbed his own cup. "So one night, I was listening to music... And I thought to myself, why do I even hate me so much? Are those thoughts really mine, or am I absorbing too much shit from the world?... What would happen if I just.. disappeared, and started to live completely alone?... And then I had a revelation!... I could do it. Or at least, I could try..." He sat down, as Taehyung stared at him with worry, without even batting an eye. "So I did... I left... And quite frankly, I don't regret it."
"You don't?..."
"Don't take it the wrong way, I missed you all, but... Most of the pressure I felt is... Gone." He smiled, and his soulmate couldn't figure out if that was good or bad. "I don't have to be perfect around here... I don't have to please anyone... And yeah, I still think about controlling what I'm eating, and writing every single calorie on a paper just to stare at it and cry... But then again I think, why should I do it? I'm alone!... So I just don't... And I think that's better than what I was doing..."
"You're having a breakdown." Taehyung set the lukewarm mug on the table, but didn't sit down. "I don't think you're even realizing it..."
"I'm fine!"
"YOU VANISHED FOR A MONTH!" he lost his temper, at last. "You!... You are pulling away from us!... This isn't about you wanting peace and quiet, or even connecting with nature and yourself, or whatever the hell you think you're doing... This is about you isolating yourself! Cutting us off!"
"You're overreating."
"Really?! Am I?! You leave without even saying goodbye, and I'm the one overreacting?! Why don't you try saying that to our hyungs?! To Kookie?! To your parents, to you brother?!... I heard your dad cry, Jimin! Sob! Bawl his fucking eyes off!... He was terrified that something bad had happened to you! That maybe you'd been kidnapped! That maybe you got hurt! That maybe things got so bad again you thought it would be a good idea to off yourself in the middle of nowhere!" Taehyung screamed, releasing all of his pent up frustration and concern. "And I... I've been crying for a fucking week!... Thinking to myself, what did we do wrong, for you to do something this insane."
"I-I wasn't trying to hurt any of you."
"But you did!" He walked away, enraged and teary eyed. "You did..."
"Tae..."
Jimin tried to stand up and run to him, but his voice stopped him before he could:
"Don't."
Silence.
The younger singer paced the floor aimlessly, trying to keep his sniffling to himself. The hermit just drank his cocoa, and gave him space to calm down.
"I would have left a note." Jimin admitted, after a long while. "If I were to... You know. Off myself. I wouldn't have left without a goodbye."
"... Is that meant to be reassuring? Because right now I'm just getting more upset."
"I'm... Sorry."
Taehyung huffed and sat down on the couch.
"We're returning to Seoul tomorrow."
"You are." His best friend stood his ground. "I'm staying."
"... Are you kidding me?"
"No. I'm not." He replied, leaving his empty cup on the table before standing up. "I rented this place for a reason... I wanted peace. And I'm going to enjoy every single moment of it."
"You're out of your mind."
"Do you trust me?"
"After what you did, how do you expect me to?" Taehyung snapped again.
Jimin breathed in, and out. He didn't want to keep fighting.
"I made a mistake..."
"Understatement of the century!-"
"-But I meant everything I said. I'm very happy here... You can kill me with your eyes all you want, I know I deserve your resentment... But this break was something I needed. I don't want you to understand... I just hope you can forgive me, and accept that."
"Then I'm not leaving either." He replied, as Jimin sat down beside him.
"Tae..."
"I can't risk you doing anything stupid, okay?!"
They stared at each other. Jimin's calm demeanor contrasted heavily with his soulmate's clear desperation.
Softening his gaze, the dancer took Taehyung's snapback off and ran a hand through his wavy hair, before pulling him closer until they were cuddling on the couch.
"I know you don't believe me... But I really hadn't even thought about killing myself... This trip wasn't about that." The older man felt his best friend's body shake, and tightened his grip on him when he heard his first sob. "If you want to stay, of course you can... You're more than welcome. But I swear I'm okay. Or at least, way better than what you have been imagining.
"I... I want to s-stay."
"Okay then." He kissed his head. "You'll stay."
---
When Taehyung woke up the next morning, he was surprised by how cold the air was. The sun had just kissed the sky, the birds had started to sing, and the wind slowly stopped howling.
He was alone on the couch. He knew Jimin was nearby though, because he could hear him mumbling something as he moved around in the kitchen. The smell of freshly baked bread hit him before the bitterness of the brewed coffee could. Confused by the domesticity, he got up from the cushions and stumbled to the nearest door.
"Good morning."
"Are you..." His cleared his throat, after noticing how coarse his voice was. "Did you bake?"
"Yeah... It's a new hobby I picked up."
Again, he stared at Jimin like he'd suddenly grown a second head.
"Okay..." Was his groggy reply.
The dancer offered him a glass of water, so he wouldn't get a sore throat.
"You should go change into something more comfortable... I have some clothes in my suitcase, next to the bed. Grab anything you want, shower, and come back here so we can eat."
Still out of it, he nodded, downed the liquid, and returned the glass. He hadn't really realized that he'd fallen asleep wearing the same jeans and windstopper jacket he'd arrived in yesterday.
"I'll be right back... "
Following Jimin's orders, he grabbed what he needed from his luggage and took a quick shower. The water didn't get as warm as he liked, so he hurried up and got out of the stream before his shivers began.
When he returned to the living room, he saw that the table was already set. Jimin -instead of scrolling down through the infinite timeline of his Twitter- was reading a book.
Stunned, he shook his head and looked at the scene again, thinking he'd must have been daydreaming or something amongst these lines.
But no. He was actually reading.
And it wasn't a manga, or a raunchy comic book either.
It was something someone like Namjoon would have liked.
Again, that was... Odd.
"What you reading?" He asked with a yawn, sitting down beside him.
"It's a book I found on one of these shelves..." He pointed to the small library of the living room. "Its called End Of The Game and it's like a..." He paused to think about it. "Like compilation of short stories."
"Huh... And what are they about?" Taehyung asked, as he grabbed the butter.
"Well... It doesn't really follow a narrative; each story has its own... The one I'm reading right now, for example, is about the loss of innocence... And about how as we grow old, we learn to see that some people aren't really as privileged as we used to think they were..." He lowered the book, once he perceived Taehyung's interested gaze. "In the story, the main character explains that when she was a child, she used to play with her cousins on the Argentinian countryside, and that she felt envious of one of these girls, because she wasn't allowed to do any chores, or physical activities that were too demanding... And she thought of that cousin as lucky. But then, as time went by, she realized that the girl was actually Ill... And that's why she was so sheltered, and could do anything. It's interesting... At the end you realize that protagonist was actually the lucky one all along."
"... That's sounds like something Namjoon hyung would read."
"Oh, he did. I recognized the book title because I saw him reading it once on an airport, and I remembered it." He smiled, and grabbed his coffee. "I didn't recognize anything else on these shelves though...You know I like comic books and illustrated novels more than this kind of stuff."
"Yeah, and you must be really bored to be reading something like this at seven in the morning."
"Well.. There's not much to do around here."
"And you still want to stay?"
Their eyes met.
"I do."
"Why?"
"Are we really going to do this again?"
Taehyung exhaled, loudly.
"I don't want to fight. I just want to understand..."
"And I already told you, I want peace."
The same cold silence of yesterday's argument returned. The visitor kept eating his bread as the hermit stared off into the distance.
"Can we at least call your parents and tell them that you're here?"
"There's no reception."
"Then how did you call me?"
"I was at a convenience store, a few miles away from here."
"Then we're going there today and you're calling them."
"Taehyung."
"They were crushed, Jimin." The man itself replied. "They deserve to know that you're okay."
For the first time since his arrival, he saw the to runaway singer frown. His sad neutrality disappeared and a deep melancholy overtook him.
"... I d-don't want to speak to them."
"Why?"
"B-Because the last time I did, I left Busan a wreck." He stood up, grabbed his plate, and made a run to the kitchen.
Taehyung followed him.
"What happened?"
"I told them something I shouldn't have. Let's leave it at that."
"Jimin..."
"End of discussion." He demanded, angrily.
Taehyung saw the unshed tears in his eyes and decided to back off, even if he now had hit the sore spot he'd been looking for. Even if he desperately wanted to know what prompted his best friend to disappear out of the blue. He kept quiet. Walked towards him. And hugged him again.
"Alright... You don't need to call them."
"T-Thank you..."
"But can I?" He felt Jimin's figure stiffen under his touch, and kept talking: "I won't ask them anything about what happened, I just want them to know that I found you... That you're okay."
"I just... I don't understand why do they care so much."
"Love, they are you're parents."
The dancer pulled away.
"Last time we talked it didn't seem like they wanted to be that anymore..." He turned his back around, and started to wash the dishes.
Taehyung wanted to know what he meant by that, but something told him not to keep pushing him for information. So he went back to the living room, grabbed the other dirty plates and cutlery, and returned to the kitchen, in silence.
"Do you want me to wash these?..."
"No, it's fine... I'll do it."
And just like that, they went back to square one.
---
After half an hour driving, they arrived at the tiny market Jimin had told him about. And indeed, the WI-FI signal there was strong as hell. He barely set his foot on the store and a mountain of notifications was born on his tab. For the first time in forever, he felt his phone give his upper leg a massage.
They bought a couple of sodas and sat down outside, so he could comfortably reply to everything. Jimin kept reading to pass the time - although this time something on the lines of what he actually liked; an American comic book series he'd found carefully hidden in one of the shelves-.
Because everything was written in English, he was taking his time to fully understand every page and illustration - despite looking really absorbed in the content and eager to keep moving forward-. By his face alone, Taehyung could see that he was enjoying himself.
"So..." He sighed and put his phone away, taking a break from all of the unanswered chats he still had to deal with. "Strangers in Paradise.... What's it about?"
Jimin moved his eyes up slowly.
"It's about a love triangle."
"... That's it? You've been reading for two hours and that's all you know?" He chuckled.
"Well... English is complicated."
"You look like you're understanding everything thus far."
Jimin took a deep breath in. He knew that if he didn't explain the story himself, Taehyung would probably do some research on his phone.
"It's about... These two friends, Francine and Katchoo, that end up falling in love with the same guy, David..."
"Oh, the typical cliché narrative, got it..."
"In the beginning, yeah... But then Francine also falls in love with her best friend, who's a girl... And that's when things get... Complicated."
"Ohhh..." He leaned his head to the right, to peek at the page his soulmate was reading. "This suddenly got interesting."
"Yeah... And now we know why this was so carefully hidden in that shelf."
The comment threw Taehyung off. Maybe because he understood the hidden implications behind it.
The country they lived in was sadly still very conservative. Whoever left that book there didn't want anyone else to find it. It was hidden as to not cause any problems.
"I think some american tenant must have forgotten it there... Then the owner of the cabin found it, and hid it so no one else could see it again. Not until the American returned to pick it up, at least."
"Or maybe this actually belongs to the owner of the cabin and he just left if there."
"He doesn't seem like the type of guy that would be reading this." Jimin replied, closing the book and hiding it in his bag.
"And how would a guy that did like reading stuff like this look to you?" Taehyung asked with the slightly hint of annoyance.
They stared at each other coldly, one more time.
"Are you done?"
"What do you mean?"
"Have you replied to everything?"
"No, I'm not even halfway through-"
"Well I'm going fishing."
Jimin turned around and started to walk away. His best friend, concerned and confused, stood up and ran after him.
"Fishing? Since when do you like fishing?!"
"Since I got here, and realized there's nothing better to do."
"Where are you even going to fish?!"
"There's a river nearby."
"Wait, wait... You've been fishing alone?" The realization suddenly hit him. "What if you had an accident, if you drowned?-"
"Shit happens."
Taehyung almost stopped walking, and contemplated again if his soulmate hadn't actually been kidnapped and replaced with someone else.
Because that man couldn't be Jimin.
---
They went back to the car and grabbed the fish rod the dancer that been secretly storing in the trunk. They bought another one at the store - it had a lower quality but still worked the same-, some lures, and then walked to the river.
Jimin tried to make small talk to fill out the tense silence between them. Ignoring his growing concern, Taehyung gave in, and updated him on what he had been doing during his own time alone.
"I'm taking trumpet classes now."
"Oh, really?"
"Yeah... I've been listening to a lot of jazz lately, and I wanted to give it a try..."
"Have you learned any songs yet?"
"Fly Me to the Moon..."
"... Sounds familiar."
"You probably know it. It's been played in many movies..." He fixed the position of his snapback, getting a few strands of hair out of his face. "Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars... Let me see what's spring is like on Jupiter and Mars..."
"You have such a pretty voice."
Taehyung smiled.
"Thanks... You too."
Despite the kindness of his comment, he saw a flash of hurt cross his best friend's eyes. But before he could ask what was wrong, a sudden movement in Jimin's rod stole their attention.
"Ha! I think I caught one!"
"Really?!"
After a small fight, their prize was in their hands; a colorful trout.
"Should we take it home and have a feast?"
"Let me take a picture of you and the fish first; Jin hyung will be thrilled!"
Despite the dancer's reluctance to appear in the photo, Taehyung managed to convince him, by joining him and the dead trout in the tiny frame. He sent the photo to their group chat after calming everyone down, and making sure they knew Jimin was still alive and breathing.
As he reacted to the avalanche of replies that followed the pic, the disappeared man returned to the store and bought a small cooler, so they could take the fish back to the cabin.
Right as they were about to leave, Jimin's father called him.
"You found him?! Where is he?"
"He's fine, sir. He's been staying in a cabin near the woods, where the signal is pretty bad. That's why he hasn't called, and why I probably won't be able to either..."
"Woods?! What do you mean, woods?!"
"We're near Wolchulsan National Park, sir. He wanted to visit it for a while..."
That was a lie he made up on the spot. He didn't want Mr. Park to know that his son was actually going through a crisis and had run away from the city so he would had a full on meltdown.
"Let me talk to him!"
Taehyung sighed. Jimin, hearing the whole conversation from a distance, entered the car and looked away. He clearly didn't want to be a part of it.
"I c-can't sir."
"Why?"
"Because... I'm afraid he doesn't want to talk with you."
For a moment, he thought Mr. Park had hung up. The quietness on the line sent chills down his spine. Right then he knew, something bad must have happened between the two.
"At least... Keep me updated then."
"I will sir, don't worry." He looked at Jimin's stone cold face with concern. "I won't let anything bad happen to him."
A few seconds later, the call ended. He opened the door of the car and sat down beside the driver, who had heard almost everything.
"He's just worried, you know."
"Hm."
They went back to the shack without speaking to each other. Taehyung noticed the cracks on his best friend's mask of impassiveness get deeper, and the water in his eyes rise quickly, but didn't say anything about it. Not until they were back in the cabin.
He saw Jimin's shaking hands struggle to cut the fish open, and without uttering a word, took the sharp knife from him.
"Prepare the sauce... I'll deal with this."
Thankfully, the man didn't put up a fight, letting him take control over the kitchen.
He was squeezing a lemon over the uncooked meat, when he heard a tiny voice confess behind him:
"I came out to them."
The citric juices that covered his hand probably tasted less bitter than his words. Slowly, he set the sliced fruit down and turned around, completely unprepared to witness the distress and the sadness in Jimin's eyes.
"... What happened?"
The tears rolling down his face made the truth quite evident; nothing good. Right away, Taehyung wiped his hands with a dishcloth and engulfed him in a hug. He didn't ask more questions. Didn't pry, or let his curiosity take over. Only stood there, supporting him.
"I t-thought... that they'd react better." The dancer said, with clear disappointment. "But they... Didn't. At all."
"I'm so sorry." He squeezed him tighter. "Is this why you left?"
"One of the reasons, yes."
"You didn't have to do that... Why didn't you call any of us? We'd be standing at your doorstep right away!"
"I didn't want to bother you..." He pulled away and wiped his cheeks. "This is the first real rest we've had in ages..."
"So?"
"This was my problem. Something I had to deal with alone... I couldn't pull you into this mess."
"I repeat, we're your family too. You can, and should call us when something happens to you. Specially if it's something bad."
"I'm sorry..." He looked down, shaking his head. "I'm sorry for worrying all of you."
Taehyung grabbed his hand and kissed it.
"We forgive you, okay?... Just please, don't disappear without giving us any explanations again. You have us... Even if you want to be alone we'll understand... But don't vanish."
"I won't."
They went back to cooking, still crying. Focusing their attention on the food somehow made the conversation flow easier.
"How did you..."
"What?"
"How did you realize you weren't straight?"
Jimin set the wooden spoon he was using to steer the tomato sauce aside, and turned his head to look at his best friend again.
"I don't really know how to reply to that... How did you know you like women?"
"I just... Did."
"Well, same here."
"Okay, but when did you realize?... Was there a moment when it dawned on you, or..."
"Around 2015." He admitted, crossing his arms. "We kept singing about girls, and love, and sex... And I didn't really feel comfortable with it. I like women, I do, but... The macho persona I had been embodying wasn't me. The hyper masculine, strong dude, who had every female wrapped around his finger with a single wink, it wasn't me... And once I accepted that I started to question my gender, my sexuality, my life... And I realized... I couldn't keep lying to myself anymore. Something had to change."
"Well.. That explains a lot."
"What do you mean?"
"... That year was a turning point to all of us, I think... But you really became someone else. Not in a bad way!... I m-mean, I know you had your struggles, but... You stopped being so... Aggressive? Tough?"
"I stopped trying too hard. At least personality wise... But since I couldn't really change that, I tried to focus my attention somewhere else..."
"Your body."
"Yeah." He agreed with a heavy sigh. "I tried, you know? To be the perfect Idol... I lost weight, I exercised..."
"You pushed yourself over the limit, that's what you did."
"I... Yeah. I did." He shamefully agreed and looked away. "I thought that maybe, if I couldn't change who I was, I could change what I looked like... I could perfect the outside. So I tried my best, again, to reach that untouchable standard... And in my head, I thought it was working, because our fame kept growing, and people kept telling me I looked great in those music videos... And it became a vice. I needed people's validation like I needed oxygen to breathe. I had somehow forgotten my own concept of self worth so I tried measuring it by how much weight I was losing..."
Taehyung turned his head to look at him, after putting the fish pieces into the pan.
"And then 2018 happened."
"Yeah... And we almost thought of breaking up..." Jimin shook his head again. "I knew I was sick before that... But it was then when I decided than enough was enough, and I started my journey to recovery."
"And... Are you okay now?"
"I think so... " He answered, but it sounded more like a question than anything else. "Sometimes I still have these thoughts... And I fall into the same cycle of self hatred of back then... But I have learned how to stop them before it gets too bad... Now I can even eat cookies, which back then we're strictly forbidden..." He scratched his neck. "I'm not one hundred percent okay... But I'm getting there. And I swear... This getaway has nothing to do with that. I just needed some time alone, that's all."
Taehyung nodded, and finally was able to believe in his word.
"I'm glad to know you're doing better. You don't really speak about what happened too often... And I get why, it's hard. Talking about the darkest part of ourselves... It's not easy. I know... But for me it's a relief, hearing the truth from you..." He smiled. "So thank you for opening up."
Jimin grinned back.
"Thank you for listening, I guess."
As if they were reading each other's mind, they hugged again. The dancer buried his face in the taller boy's neck and breathed in his cologne.
As usual, he smelled fantastic.
"I don't want to overstep, but as your soulmate I feel like I should say something... I think you should talk to your dad."
"Didn't you hear what I said? He doesn't want to see me again."
"That's not true..."
"Tae."
"I heard him cry over the phone at least twelve times on the last week alone... I know you won't believe me, but I think he wants to apologize for whatever it is he said..."
"I don't want to hear him."
"Jimin..."
"I can't bear to hear his disappointment and anger again. I just c-can't."
"You know how he grew up... How he was raised. If he said anything ignorant or hurtful, keep that in mind..."
"Don't you think I didn't try?" His voice cracked. "You w-weren't there!... You didn't hear him say I was a shame to my family! To our country!... You didn't..."
"We all say things we don't mean... Minnie, I'm not defending him, not at all... But he loves you. If he didn't, he wouldn't have been as devastated as he was when you left."
Jimin shook his head.
"He hates me."
"He doesn't... He just reacted badly. If you want, you can read the messages he sent me and hear his audios... He loves you."
"And you?" He pulled away, still shaking. "What do you think of me?"
Taehyung shrugged, and softened his voice:
"Nothing has changed. You're still my sassy and annoying best friend that I love dearly, and that I will hunt down and kill next time it dares to give me a scare as big as this one."
Jimin chuckled, still crying.
"You can't even catch a fish properly and you think you can catch me?"
"See? Still annoying as always!"
The dancer rolled his eyes and went right back into his arms.
After this, they spent the rest of the afternoon basically glued to each other, slowly beginning to talk about the heavier aspects of their lives. It wasn't uncommon, for them to sob together. But to communicate freely, without interruptions, and have the privacy to speak as much as they liked? That was a blessing.
When the sun began to set, Jimin stood up from the couch -where they had settled in earlier to cuddle-, and walked up to the turntable he had brought with him from the city.
Before leaving Seoul, he had bought the machine, a pair of portable speakers, and a small collection of vinyls. Some of the records were from artists that he liked. Others, he grabbed because he thought they looked interesting. Then, there were the ones he chose because they reminded him of his friends.
Taehyung loved jazz, and could be a human encyclopedia on the matter if the situation allowed him to. So when the first notes of "Can't We Be Friends" caressed his ears, he was quick to recognize the song.
Surprised and pleased, he strolled to his best friend's side and grabbed the album cover, to examine it with fascination.
"'Ella and Louis'... Such a great album."
"I've listened to it a couple of times since I got here... And I really like this song. Don't know what it is about though."
The younger singer set the cover aside and grabbed Jimin's hand, not so subtly inviting him to dance. As they swayed around the living room, he explained:
"This is my second favorite one from this album, you know?... It's about two people that are afraid of confessing their feelings for each other, because they think they aren't reciprocated... So they keep listing reasons of why the relationship will never be..."
"That's so sad!... So they both want each other but can't admit it?"
"Something amongst these lines, yeah..." He spun the smaller singer around. "Never again, through with love... Through with men... They play their game without shame, and who's to blame..."
"You know... I love it when you sing jazzy songs... You look so happy. You should do a cover of this one, I'm sure Army would love it."
They stared at each other and smiled. He suddenly untangled himself from Jimin and walked to the turntable.
"I've been thinking of doing a cover, but... It would be of another song of this album."
"Oh really?" The other singer's grin got wider. "Which one?"
Taehyung carefully switched the vinyl around and readjusted the needle, until he found the third track of the B side.
As the music began to play, he danced his way back to Jimin.
"Heaven, I'm in heaven... And my heart beats so that I can hardly speak..." He closed his eyes as he serenaded his amused best friend. "And I seem to find the happiness I seek...When we're out together, dancing cheek to cheek..."
"I've also heard that song before."Jimin said, as they returned to their previous position, swaying over the floor. "What is this one about?"
"It's about how happy a couple is when they're dancing together..."
"That's it?"
"Pretty much." He laughed. "But it's a lovely song."
"It is..." Their faces got closer, after a sudden turn to the left.
To break the tension, Taehyung started singing again:
"NOW MAMA DANCE WITH ME!..."
"Tae!"
"I want my arms about you!... The charms about you!... Will carry me throoough!... Yeeees! Heaven!..."
"You're impossible!"
"You love it!"
They both went bright red, but their smiles didn't fade. Taehyung continued singing, making voices and weird intonations, until the song ended. Then he bowed, kissed the back of Jimin's hand, and returned to the vinyls.
"Have you heard this one? From Frank Sinatra?"
"No, I... I don't think I have."
"Well can I show you another song I really, really like?"
"Of course!"
With his permission, the excited singer immediately got to work. Changed the disks, moved the needle again, and went ahead with his joyful karaoke:
"I've got you under my skin... I've got you, deep in the heart of me... So deep in my heart that you're really a part of me... I've got you under my skin..." He grabbed Jimin's hand and used it as a makeshift microphone. The dancer just giggled, and let him push and pull his arm around. "I'd tried so, not to give in... I said to myself this affair, never will go so well!" He then got even closer than before, and stared straight into his half closed eyes. "But why should I try to resist when baby I know so well..." His voice got lower, and his soulmate's heard skipped a beat. "I've got you under my skin..."
At this point, their noses were almost touching. With one slight movement, their lips would be pressed tightly against each other. It was a dangerous situation.
But the closeness of their bodies and the obvious blush in their cheeks didn't bother them.
The feelings they'd been hiding from each other, however, did.
Both yearned for that forbidden kiss. Both wanted to put an end to their doubts and their fears. To accept the beginning of a relationship they had been craving for years, and to accept the feelings they had been harbouring for nearly a decade.
"I'd sacrifice anything come what might, for the sake of having you near, in spite of a warning voice that comes in the night, and repeats, repeats in my ear..." Taehyung started to dance again, and Jimin followed, mesmerized. "Don't you know, little fool... You never can win!... Use your mentality! Wake up to reality!..." They spun again, and they giggled after the karaoke man tripped on a rug. "But each time that I do, just the thought of you makes me stop!-" Taehyung pulled him to his chest once more. "Before I begin..."
"Cause I've got you... Under my skin." Jimin tried singing the last part with him, and laughed when his english didn't come out the way he wanted to.
"... We should sing a duet, one of these days."
"My voice is not that good for jazz."
"Your voice is perfect, for everything."
The shine in Jimin's eyes suddenly faded. He shook his head, looked away, and tried to separate himself from Taehyung
But the boy wouldn't let him.
"It's too high pitched."
"There are jazz sopranos and tenors-"
"Yeah, but their voices don't crack mid performance!" He snapped, then regretted his words immediately. "Sorry, I-"
"Listen to me." Taehyung cupped his face with one hand and made him look up. "We all have accidents. All of us. And even the greatest singers that ever lived at some point cracked their voices, forgot the lyrics, messed up the tempo, etcetera... Those mistakes aren't what makes them great singers. Their passion, their ambition, their love for what they did and do... That's what defines them. And that's what defines you."
"Tae..."
"Your voice is beautiful. Your range is perfect. Forget about what you've read, and heard, and thought about... It's a bunch of shit." Jimin snorted, but nodded. "Have I ever lied to you?"
"You do it all of the time!"
"That's for an audience, if doesn't count. " He smirked, before returning to his seriousness. "Have I ever lied to you when something important was concerned?"
"... No."
"Then believe me when I say, I absolute love and adore your voice. High pitched, low pitched, steady, cracked, I don't care..." He shook his head. "I love it because it's yours. It's you... And that's enough."
Despite his sadness, Jimin smiled and leaned into his touch.
"When did you become such a sap?"
They laughed.
"After I realized how much I love you."
And just like that, the giggles subsided. As the song ended and a calmer, more romantic song filled the silence, the space between them vanished.
Jimin pulled him from the neck and kissed him with all of the love he had repressed for years, as they tumbled to the couch nearby and gave up on trying to deny their desire for one another.
They only parted because they needed to breathe, otherwise, they would've kept tasting each other's lips for hours on end. They were intoxicated, dazed, and bewitched by their love.
"... T-That was..."
"Perfect, I know." Taehyung exhaled with a chuckle, before running a hand through his soulmate's long hair. "I've wanted to do that for a long time..."
"Me too." The other agreed, so happy that he could almost cry. "But why didn't you tell me..."
"What?"
"That you liked men?... Earlier today, you could have..."
"I wanted to... But I knew that if I did, I'd have to confess my feelings too... And I couldn't, not then."
"What changed?"
"You." He whispered. "I realized I couldn't keep it in anymore... Not when you were dancing to my favorite songs, not when you bought my favorite albums and listened to them in here, alone, just because they reminded you of me... Not when you look so gorgeous and magical, and are laughing in my arms... I couldn't keep lying. It didn't feel right."
"Well I'm so very glad you confessed... Because I love you too... And spend another year without you knowing it would have been hell."
They leaned in again, and made up for lost time. Lips met lips, tongue played with tongue, skin touched skin. And they laughed, with a joy they hadn't felt in ages.
The music kept playing as they made out on the couch. Then, as the record stopped playing, Taehyung searched for his phone and selected one of the songs of his own playlists.
"I dedicate this one for you..." He pecked him and stood up from the couch, puffing his chest and raising his chin like the was the main character in a musical. "Is it a sin? Is it a crime? Loving you dear like I do?... If it's a crime then I'm guilty! Guilty of loving you..." He winked and pulled Jimin up, so they could dance together again.
"I don't understand a word you're saying." He giggled, but Taehyung kept going.
"Maybe I'm wrong, dreaming of you... Dreaming the lonely night throooough!" He spun them around, before amping his acting to a hundred. "If it's a crime, then I'm guilty... Guilty of dreaming of yoooou!..."
Jimin continued to cackle and stare at him pure adoration in his eyes. He wasn't lying when he said he couldn't understand much of what he was singing, but it didn't matter. The joy he felt by seeing his best friend let loose and be his chaotic self made up for his confusion.
Besides, he enjoyed being serenaded. Even if the songs were cheesy, foreign and overdramatic.
There was something so endearing about it, that he couldn't help but fall even deeper into love.
---
His last peaceful days in the cabin had easily become one of the happiest of his life. He wasn't a stranger to sharing personal space with Taehyung - they had showered together multiple times when were trainees, after all-, but doing so under the new filter of a blossoming romantic relationship was... Ethereal. Magical. Too good to be true.
And a huge part of him didn't want to return to reality. It just wanted them to stay there, in the woods, doing mundane chores together and having fun without entertaining others. The simple domesticity they shared was perfect. He didn't want to let it go.
But he had too.
And as their car stopped in front of the convenience store, and their cellphones connected again to the WiFi, he realized he was about to.
"I have to speak with my father, don't I?"
"Yeah... You should."
He gulped, afraid. Taehyung grabbed his hand.
"It will be okay."
"You don't know that."
Noticing his panic, the younger singer kissed his palm.
"If anything bad happens, you still have me, and the guys... And we're here for you."
"Oh God, I have to tell them too..." The first tears fell down, and he felt his chest be crushed by the weight of his demons.
"They won't mind, and you know that."
"That doesn't make this any less terrifying."
"I know..." He pulled Jimin to an actual kiss this time. "But we're together in this."
The dancer nodded, and for the first time in a week, checked his phone.
He decided that he should tackle his father's chat first. After all, his reaction had been the worst, and he wanted to save the less painful comments for the end. That way maybe he'd feel less bad.
With a nervous exhale, he tapped his name on the screen, and began reading his texts.
The first ones were compatible with what he'd thought he would find; prayers, begging him to reconsider his life choices, suggestions as to what he should do, religious passages, and streams of words that only brought him more pain.
But as the days went on and his silence got louder, the intention behind the sentences started to change. It went from pure ignorance, to mild concern, to panic, and lately, regret.
He tried not to cry when his eyes scanned the newer messages, but was unable to.
Both his father and mother had written him a long, heart-breaking letter, that brought out of his body the first sob of the day.
They were begging him to come home. Insisting that they loved him. And reassuring that even if they don't understood what he was going through, they wouldn't stop trying until they got it right.
He didn't know why, but his shaking fingers pressed the call button on the app. With his throat closed, his eyes drowned in tears, and his stomach threatening to claw his way out of his body, he listened to his father's voice call out his name.
"Jimin?!"
And that absolutely wreck him.
"I-I'm so s-sorry."
He couldn't say anything else. He got trapped in a panic attack so intense that Taehyung had to rip the phone out of his fingers and assure the poor man on the other side of the line that he was okay.
Again, that was a lie.
Jimin couldn't breathe. Couldn't speak. Couldn't even react. Only cry, and feel his chest ache like it had been hit with a cannonball.
He felt like he was going to faint at any given time.
"J-Jimin..." Taehyung leaned towards him. "Love, I need you to breathe."
He barely shook his head. He couldn't. His body wouldn't do it.
The younger singer, in his desperation, forgot to hang up the call. He left the phone next to the car wheel and tried to calm his soulmate down.
With one of his hands, he held the dancer's to his chest. With the other, he caressed his cheeks.
"Minnie, I'm here... You're safe, and I'm here..."
"I'm s-sorry, I..."
"Don't be sorry, okay,? There's nothing for you to be sorry about. You didn't do anything wrong. Being who you are isn't wrong...Hating yourself for what you can't change is what's wrong."
"I just w-wish I could be a b-better son t-to him... H-He deserved s-someone better..."
"Jimin-ah..."
"I'm sorry, I c-can't..." He jumped away, opened the door and ran.
Taehyung panicked as well. He grabbed the cellphone - realizing he hadn't ended the call- and cursed at himself for being a dumbass.
"Mr. Park? Sir, you're still there?"
"B-Bring him h-home, Taehyung."
Oh shit, the man was sobbing too. He didn't know what he should do.
"I will, sir..." He left the car. "I will."
---
Finding Jimin wasn't hard. He was sitting on the same spot they had fished in, a few days ago. Only this time around, the skies were grey, he was crying, and it wasn't the rod that was shaking, but his shoulders.
"Minnie..." He kneeled down in front of him. "Why did you run away?"
"I couldn't s-stay..." His lips trembled. "It was... T-Too much."
Taehyung understood his fear. He'd experienced it before, when he came out to his own parents. He got lucky, however. Besides some weird stares and awkward questions, their reaction wasn't exactly extreme. It wasn't great, but it wasn't horrible either.
But Jimin's case was something else completely. They both loved his family to death, but the boy's relationship with his father was the most precious thing he had. It was special. And because of it, his hatred - even if only based on ignorance- had destroyed him.
With a heavy sigh, Taehyung pulled his best friend closer and hugged him with all the tenderness and compassion he could convey.
"You didn't do anything wrong." He repeated himself, caressing the hairs on his neck. "You are a wonderful, beautiful, kind man and you didn't do anything wrong."
Jimin cried even harder, but nodded. He let him shake against his chest until his shirt was drenched and his knees ached, but didn't move away for a single second.
"I'm taking you home, okay?"
"I d-don't want to..."
"But you have to." He insisted. "We're going home."
---
With the excuse of buying a few snacks for the road, Taehyung decided to make one last call outside of the store, before they returned to the cabin, packed everything up and went back to Seoul.
"Mr. Park?"
"Is he alright?"
"He's... Fine, now... Sleeping in the car. We're leaving the cabin today."
"Oh, thank god..."
"I need to talk to you, sir. And I need you to please hear everything that I have to say."
The man stayed quiet for a few seconds. Taehyung tried to keep his chill. He didn't want to admit it, but he was scared of what he was about to do.
"Go on."
The reply was shy, but pushed him forward.
"Jimin liking men doesn't change who he is as a person." His opening statement worked like a well deserved slap of reality. "He's still the same bright, brilliant, kind, loving, gentle soul he's always been. He didn't change over night. He hasn't turned into someone else. He's still him. My best friend, and your son... I know you love him. And I know, deep down, you didn't say all of those terrible things to him because you wanted to hurt him. But you did... And by hurting him, you hurt me too. " He didn't know where his cold and sharp attitude came from, but he stuck with it. "He's part of my family too, sir... And with all due respect, I'm not letting anyone hurt him anymore. He's been through hell and back. So if you're thinking of saying anything bad to him again, don't... Just tell me now that you don't want to see him again, and I'll deliver the news myself. But I won't let you hurt him."
Silence.
Then, another guy wrenching sob.
"I'm s-sorry... I didn't mean to h-hurt him..."
"I know. But he doesn't. He thinks you hate him, and not without a reason."
"... I d-don't know what went though my h-head." His sniffles sounded awfully like his sons. Taehyung's face softened when he heard them again. "I l-love him..."
"You should tell him that in person."
"How?... He's g-gone..."
The singer thought about his options.
"Sir... The trip from here to Seoul is almost four hours long. It will take us a while to get there by car... We can make a stop a Busan, so you can both talk. I'll convince him."
"Y-you would do that?"
"I'd do anything for Jimin." He replied in a heartbeat.
"Are you..." The man took a deep breath in. "Are two t-together?"
Taehyung gulped, feeling his anxiety begin to rise, but kept his voice calm, unbothered.
"Would that be a problem?"
"No son, of course not."
He exhaled.
"Good... Because we are."
"... Jiminie really hit a jackpot with you." His comment made Taehyung relax. "Thank you... For caring so much for him. And b-being there for him when we c-couldn't."
"As I said sir... He's my family." He looked at the sleeping silhouette of the dancer on their car, smiling. "I'd give my life for him."
---
As Taehyung drove, he stole some quiet looks at his drowsy boyfriend from time to time. They were only fifteen minutes away from his hometown and he hadn't woken up yet. It was apparent how mentally exhausted he was.
He stirred when the GPS made a loud noise, asking him to make a turn to the left. Still out of it, Jimin didn't notice where they were. Only asked:
"We arrived already?"
The driver parked the car a few meters away from Mr. Park's cafe. Since he wasn't wearing his contacts, the singer looked around for his glasses, as he complained that he couldn't step on the street without them.
"Why do I have to be as blind as a bat?... I can't see crap in here. Could you please help me find them?..." He begged to Taehyung, who had been secretly hiding them in his hoodie's pocket the whole time.
"I took them off of your face once you fell asleep. Didn't want you to break them." He said, before handling then over. "Hey... Before you put them on..."
"What?"
"We're not in Seoul yet."
His dramatic pause made Jimin frown and look around. Even with his distorted view of the world, he was able to recognize the familiar shape of his father's business. With shaking hands, he put the frames on his face, confirming what he already knew.
"We're in Busan."
"He asked me to bring you here."
"You s-shouldn't have done that."
"I couldn't say no. He was very concerned."
"Well fuck his concerns! He hates me!"
The front door of the cafe opened. A short, well dressed man stepped out.
Jimin's heart stopped beating. He felt like he wanted to rip his skin off. His first instinct was to run, move, escape that hellish scene. But he couldn't even breath properly. He was glued to his seat.
His tears came back when his eyes met his father's. Terrified, he looked down, without blinking. He looked - and felt- like a defenseless dog being cornered by a wolf. Then he saw him step towards the car.
Taehyung's hand grabbed his cold, unsteady fingers.
Sounds stopped coming in. His thoughts were screaming at him to go. His pulse was shouting over the noises of the city. He felt his blood pressure drop. If he didn't faint before, he for sure would this time-
"Son?"
Taehyung had opened the window. His father was now standing beside him, as he tried to regain some control over his distressed body.
"Hey appa." He whispered, already fearing the worst.
'You're no son of mine!'
The door opened. He closed his eyes. Fucking hell, he didn't want to be there. He didn't want to cry in front of the man he respected the most in the entire world. He couldn't, actually. Someone might recognize them and take some pictures, and then they'd have to call the company, he'd get scolded, NDA's would have to be signed, the band's image would suffer because of him-
"The cafe is closed." The man said to Taehyung. "Let's get him inside."
He didn't protest. Didn't ask questions. Didn't look up from the ground. Just moved.
His best friend's hand caressed his back but he was so caught up in his own fears that he couldn't even feel it there.
The door closed behind him. Taehyung made him sit down and asked for a glass of water. His father came back offering one a minute later.
"Now we're alone... And we can talk."
"You hate me." He breathed, with unbelievable sadness. "What else is there to say?"
"I don't hate you." Mr. Park replied, in a hurt and ashamed tone. "I love you."
"Don't l-lie to me... Please." He struggled to keep his feelings bottled. "Just t-tell me that you want m-me out of your life and I'll g-go."
"I don't want you out of my life!" a strong pair of arms swallowed him whole, and suddenly he felt like a kid again. "I could never want you out of my life! Are you crazy?!"
"But you said-"
"I wasn't raised like you. I was taught differently..." Before his son could interrupt him, he squeezed him harder. "I was wrong... I didn't mean to hurt you. I'd never want to hurt you. I just... I wasn't prepared to hear something like that." He pulled away, and sat down on the chair beside him, whilst still keeping a firm hand on his shoulder. "I'm sorry, son... You're the pride of my life. I never should have said half of the shit I said to you." Mr. Park then raised his stare to Taehyung, who was standing right behind Jimin. "Your... Your boyfriend made me see things more clearly."
"Boyfriend?" His eyes widened. "How do you-"
"I spoke with him, before we left the park. I'm sorry, but I had to..."
"He's a good kid." The businessman smiled softly. "You couldn't have chosen a better partner."
Jimin rubbed his puffy eyes with the palms of his shaking hands. His father, noticing his distress, continued to apologize and reassure him that he wasn't mad.
"... I'm sorry too."
"Son-"
"I disappeared. I m-made you all worried... And I didn't care, when I should have. So I'm sorry."
"I'm just glad you're here now."
He embraced the distraught boy again and this time, Jimin hugged him back. Taehyung smiled, and pulled out his cellphone so he could tell everyone that their plans had shifted, and they wouldn't arrive in Seoul until the next day. It was clear that his soulmate needed to spend some quality time with his family.
"... Jihyun also scolded me, by the way." The older man said, returning to his seat. "He faced me and your mother and for the first time ever, I am glad that he spoke over me. I needed to listen."
"He's always been a very good brother. I miss him."
"We're not going home until tomorrow." Taehyung announced. "You can go see him."
"But our schedule..."
"Namjoon hyung gave me the idea while I was driving. It's fine." He pocketed his phone again and stared at the duo. "I should probably go find a hotel though... See you both later?"
"Nonsense, you're coming with us!" Mr. Park replied. "I'm not letting my son's boyfriend stay in some hotel..."
"I don't want to bother, sir."
"Too late for that, young man. You told me Jiminie is part of your family..." He stood up, dragged him to the table, and made him sit down. "Well now you're part of ours too."
Beside him, his soulmate chuckled. He smiled back shyly, then grabbed his hand again.
Mr. Park watched the interaction from a distance, as he approached the coffee machines, and felt his heart melt.
He'd never seen his son truly and utterly in love before. The sparkles in his eyes and the trust in his demeanor were something else. A novelty, in the best way possible.
And it was clear as day, he'd found his happiness at last.
As his father, he couldn't be more proud.