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"The one thing I believe I could do to feel like I belong...ended up with me helping my mom's murderer."
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Ali and Alicia are sitting in the lounge room in the second academy base is. They were training and strategising for their next missions before that. While in the midst of it, Ali's thoughts, intrusive thoughts, gets in the way of clear thinking of what to do next, causing him to have a unique conversation with Alicia.
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"Ali! Opponent at 12 O' Clock!" Alicia warns as she slingshot a stun bullet towards the training robots that Ali made earlier for her.
"Roger that!" Ali aims and throws at the upcoming robot, dodging as he do so.
The training with Alicia is to increase his skills and abilities to fight and defend, due to his disconnection with the IRIS. Everything is going fine so far, they both seem to be synchronized despite Ali's shortcomings. He would still need to get used to not depending on his mother's device.
Still not used to that fact despite having that discovery long ago.
After the training is complete, the robots all clumped to the ground. Their scores displayed on the big hologram screen. They managed to do 30 more than their previous training. Happy about this milestone, they both high fived with one another. Ali feels glad that their bond has becoming more and more closer ever since. He sees her smiling more often nowadays, and thats a good thing.
Not only they have been going to missions together more than often, they even spend time with one another personally. They converse about each other interest, which is surprising to learn about Alicia liking beautiful sundresses and wears it occasionally. He even got her to play some of his console games, and showed why he liked playing Detective Jebat.
The two developed a very healthy friendship professionally and interpersonally. Though Ali does wish he could talk about having emotional support about insecurities with her even if they had before. He just wished it could be more intimate and have deeper conversations.
Maybe even talk about therapy.
Maybe talk about how he shouldn't have used his mom's last data and just let him to die in the midst of battle.
Maybe even talk about he shouldn't exis--
Regardless, he's grateful for what they have right now. He should not ask for more. That would be selfish, wouldn't it? Why is he doubting that Alicia couldn't be an even closer friend? He shouldn't think that way, she literally helped him during the whole ordeal with Niki.
However, he can't shake off the dreadful, guilty feeling no matter now much he tries. After that big calamity of a fight with Niki, he couldn't exactly pinpoint this certain feeling that has been dwelling ever since.
His smiles falter, but brushed it off and heads to the break room to cool down. While walking there, Ali can feel that funny feeling coming back. Closing his eyes shut and trying to disperse of the feeling and thoughts away, he accidentally bumped into Alicia.
"Hey, watch where you're going!" Alicia exasperatedly snaps from the impact, looking behind her to see Ali flailing his hands to apologise.
"Sorry, sorry! I'll.. I'll get out of your hair." Alicia let out a "tsk" as she walks to the fridge to grab two bottles of water, one for her and one for Ali. Ali lets out a small thank you before gulping down the water, grunting after he finished the whole thing.
Alicia takes note of this this, putting down her drink as she screws back the cap on. Her scowl turns into a frowned expression, signifying her slight worry for her friend.
"Alright, what's going on?"
Ali raised an eyebrow, "What do you mean?"
Alicia crossed her arms, leaning into one of her legs. "You have something on your mind, your face says it all."
Ali looks to the floor, giving an empty smile towards her remark. "I don't know what you're talking about."
"I know how you act ever since you came to the academy, you cant lie to me." Alicia firmly stated. Ali still doesn't want to face her, staying silent. She sighed as she holds his hand and dragging him to the lounge room, still unresponsive and letting Alicia carry him to their destination.
Of course, while moving from place to place, they get looks from other agents. Some even look mischievous, or curious. They both paid no mind, the other wanting to understand what her friend is feeling while the other rather not deal with this but too tired to say so.
Alicia sits down at the sofa while Ali begrudgingly complies to sit as well when she pats the seat beside her. He still doesn't look at her, and instead looks down at his boots. Alicia is thinking what to say, she never had such a close friend like him before. Sure, she's more wiser emotionally than Ali could ever be, but how does one comfort, empathize or sympathize for a friend?
'Here it goes, I guess..' Alicia braced herself to say something to Ali.
"Are you okay?"
"Never better, is that all?" He says sarcastically, huffing a humourless chuckle.
"Hey, don't be like that with me. I need to know what makes you feel this way. I'm worried about you, alright?"
An hesitant expression can be seen on Ali's face. As Alicia leans closer with a worried face, he softens up and sighs as he surrenders.
"Okay, okay, I get it. Sorry to make you worried about me."
Alicia softly smiles, her hand on his back as a physical comfort for now.
"Its okay, I'm over it. What happened there to the point you're oblivious to your surroundings?"
"Uhhh..."
At this moment Ali immediately tensed up again. What is he supposed to say? 'Oh it's just I feel like I should have not survive the whole fight and I feel kinda guilty for being alive!' or 'I don't deserve your friendship despite my desire to have emotional connectedness with you as a friend!'
"Ali? You there?"
Snapped out of his trance, he panics internally on what to say, freezing on the spot. He tries to say something, his mouth open, his eyes focused on Alicia. It all feels like a blur, his mind, his words, his sight.
"Ali, can you hear me? Breathe in 7, hold for 7, let out 7. Remember what I told you, ready?"
Oh. He didn't realise he was hyperventilating. Alicia's hands are intertwined with one of his, grounding his senses. He inhales for a long time, pressure on his lungs starts to build up as he holds it. Feeling slightly better as he keeps on exhaling and repeating the process.
Exhausted, he leans on Alicia's shoulder without even thinking too much about it; which is a first, considering he tends to spiral a lot lately. Alicia runs her fingers through his hair, which is something they have been doing a lot before. It helps both of them to calm down whenever one is stressed. They both sit in a comfortable silence.
Ali ponders on why he thinks he needs more than this when this is clearly enough. That, however, doesn't mean that the feeling in his system has evaporated. It's still lingers, and the thought and awareness of it brings him to involuntarily twitch his head and shut his eyes. Alicia says nothing about it, not wanting to make her friend to worry about the action.
"You do know you can tell me anything that is in your head, right?"
In that moment, Ali realised he hasn't said anything in a while. He pulls away from her, sighing deeply.
"Have you ever felt like.. you're desperate to be validated?" Ali started, his voice wavers and weak from the situation beforehand.
Alicia looks at him, her voice softens. "Is this about what happened with...-"
"Niki, yes. As well as the whole IRIS NEO fiasco."
"I thought you said you were over that?"
Ali can feel the guilt rising in his chest, fighting back the urge to just spill his tears.
"Well I lied. I keep thinking about what I could do differently so we could have avoided all of that. So you didn't get hurt in the process. I keep thinking that I should have just done nothing and just face on with the feeling of helplessness and worthlessness." Ali begins to spiral out of control, his whole figure starts closing in on himself as he shrinks.
"Ali..."
"I'm sorry, I know I should be more honest about it. I didnt want to worry you because I keep thinking and feeling like I am a bad friend most of the time and I can't help wanting us to be even closer despite there's so much we have done and I--"
Alicia pulls Ali to a tight hug, and that's enough to break the dams in his eyes. He started crying and sobbing into her shoulder, clutching his hands on her back. Desperate to cling on for his dear life due to his overwhelming emotions. Alicia, who is mostly a silent crier, can feel the hot tears down her cheeks, stifling her sobs. She is worried for his well-being for a while now and it hurts to see him suffer this way.
They both cry their heart out, they needed this. It's been a while since they let the tears out after all. The stress, the pressure, the overwhelming expectations. They could only handle so much. They're only children that are still growing and learning. No one was there to teach them how to feel, so they're there for one another.
"You'd think the academy would provide a child therapist for the shit they put us through."
"Oh my God, don't let my dad hear you."
They both laugh and sniffle, relieving from the stress they just poured out. Pulling away, but sit close to one another for comfort. Feeling their eyes puffy and almost dried, they both wipe their tears away after grabbing the tissue box from the coffee table. Alicia sighs deeply, something the girl rarely do.
"I didn't think our friendship would get this far to be honest." She started, Ali listens to her promptly after replying.
"Honestly, yeah. We keep on quarrelling and having fights and hating each other's guts."
"That's because you were so annoying."
"Well excuuuuuuuuuse me, Princess."
Ali emphasise on his last word. Alicia mocked gasped, causing Ali to chuckle. She giggled afterwards, they both feel like their spirits are up and emotionally stablising.
Ali exhaled air from his nose, smiling to himself, only to smile sadly from what he is going to say next.
"I wanted to talk something similar to what I just rambled about earlier. About how I'm not a good enough friend for you?"
Alicia humoured look morphed into an earnest expression, taking Ali's problems seriously and listens to what her friend has to say, her focus enabled.
"I'm listening."
"It feels like I could have done better for you, or done something. Like maybe I shouldn't annoy you more, or stop bothering you with all of... this." Ali gestured to himself as he said the last word. Alicia softly says,
"Ali, no. You need someone to help you get through all of this and you can't do it alone. You don't bother me.….--" Ali opens his mouth to deflect and disagree before Alicia firmly says "--..anymore. You used to get on my nerves because, well, we were rivals. Now, I am open to anything you want to talk or discuss about. I care about you Ali, I really do."
Ali bites his lips, unsure to feel about the positive statement given by Alicia. He's not used to it, after all. Not even his dad gives the same treatment as what Alicia is giving now.
"You really feel that way?" Ali asked, hoping for a genuine answer while hoping for a yes. To Ali's luck, Alicia says,
"Of course. You're my close friend, no?"
A watery smile is formed in Ali's face. Both exhaustion and relief still embedded in him, making him feel weak. Though, that gives him a reason to just lean on Alicia'e shoulder for a bit.
"Thanks, it's nice to know you feel the same as I do."
Alicia raises her free hand to do what she did before, combing his hair with her fingers. Ali notices that they have initiated a lot of physical contact, so that's good progress. He needed more affection through touch because well, touched-starved, and he's damn sure that his dad would barely hug him, let alone other people--
"What are you thinking about this time? I can practically hear your brain whirring from parkouring thoughts to thoughts."
Ali chuckles from that, snapping him out of it and calming himself down.
"Nah, it's just that we hug a lot lately." Ali starts to say, gesturing lazily with the flick of a wrist. "That's a good thing of course, I don't usually get physical affection from anyone, including my dad."
"Ah, I only get hugs from my uncles. My dad and I barely even have a brief moment to bond."
They both sit up straight, and looked at each other. Snorting as they both had the same thing in their head, doing finger guns at each other.
"Daddy issues ayyyyyy~"
Chuckling and giggling from the shenanigan, Ali takes this an opportunity to say something about what Alicia had said, looking at her while his hand over his mouth from the laughter.
"I can see that. I just hope he's not harsh on you as he was towards me when you were younger."
"Let's save that story for later, this is about you."
"You're very persistent when it comes to this, do you know that?" Ali raise his eyebrows, smirking. He proceeded to get playfully punched on the side by Alicia.
"We're both agents, it's what we do."
Alicia smiled at Ali, but her smile quickly faded as she has this to say.
"Speaking of.. I just hope you don't feel less of an agent when we argued in my uncles' restaurant. I now understand what you mean and why you wanted to leave MATA." She takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry, I should have supported you when you were tormented by Bobby and Fit."
Ali huffs a breath, closing his eyes for a while. "No, I was in the wrong for acting that way. You have every right to be angry with me or betrayed at the time." He props up his face with his arm on his knee. "I just wanted to help those who was struggling with poverty, just like my mom."
"Do you feel like if you joined Niki, you get to make a difference?
"Exactly! You get it, but those who has powers and money won't."
"To hear that from a rich boy like you, its quite refreshing." Alicia smirks coyly while Ali rolls his eyes.
"Ha-Ha. For the record, Alicia, my family is only slighty higher than average."
"That sounds like rich with extra steps." And with that, she gets smacked softly on her arm, causing her to laugh almost roaringly. Calming down, she thought deeply about something.
"Though, if you hadn't done that... I don't think our Prime Minister would have even considered the poor in the slightest."
Ali perks up to that thought, it does certainly feel like there's a ripple effect to what he does. It's interesting that the world works in mysterious ways, for the better or worse. Alas, the whole ordeal still makes him feel iffy and uncomfortable. He shouldn't feel okay with what he had done.
"I can't help but still feel hopeless over this. It was my fault, after all." Ali dejectedly say, before sighing deeply. "What if I was only doing it for myself? To feel like I was part of their community, their family?"
"Well, that isn't too bad, don't you think? It's not bad to want to be in something. Especially if it means to help them as well."
"I dont know, Alicia..." Ali just leans back on the sofa, drained from the emotional rollercoaster they both are having. "The one thing I believe I could do to feel like I belong...ended up with me helping my mom's murderer." A heavy stagnant air is in the atmosphere when Ali drops the bomb, Alicia stunned with the statement.
"If you put it that way... It really does sound messed up." Alicia blinks in disbelief over the recollection of the events in the past.
"I thought I was irrational, honestly."
"No, no.. It's definitely a shocker."
There's still silence, unknowing what to say next.
"You know what? I'll ask my dad to contact the MATA HR department to assign you a therapist and a psychiatrist. How is that?"
"Wait what? Alicia you don't have to--"
Alicia firmly holds both of his shoulders, forcing Ali to face her.
"Ali, even I need therapy. We both do. We are only children, we could only handle so much before we break." Alicia said in a serious tone, giving Ali confirmation she is not teasing.
"You have gone through so much, Ali. I can't let you just go through this alone without help both personally and professionally."
"Alicia, I literally struggle with my grades at school and now I have to get used to not using the IRIS. To balance mental health that will take up my school and academy time would be a total nightmare. And what does my father will say about this? I just know he will--"
"I will help you with your studies and plus, you're actually quite a diligent student when you put your mind to it. About the MATA academy, we literally just broke our record just then. We don't talk about your father, he won't understand. We can do this without his permission and knowledge."
"But what about you? You also have to suffer through all of this. Even alone! Why should I go through treatment if you don't go through it as well?"
"Which is why we have to make a promise."
"A promise?"
Ali questions as he tilts his head slightly. Waiting for Alicia to take her breath and calm down before continuing what she wants to say.
"We both go through treatment, and talk about it to a professional. We stick through thick and thin. Promise?"
Alicia holds out her pinky. Which is oddly rare for her to do, or none at all. Ali is the first to do this with her, for he is her closest friend. Ali looks at her hand, thinking.
He lets out a grin, looking at Alicia with a loving smile. He intertwined his pinky with hers, feeling comforted and safe.
"I promise." Before hugging each other in a tight embrace. Feeling like there's a new beginning to their relationship as partners in and out of the academy. They pull away and do their signature fistbump they had over the course of time.
Ali feels like it's going to be okay.
Alicia stands up and dust herself off.
"Now come on. Let's go somewhere nice to have fun before we go through the promise."
Ali widens his eyes from excitement, liking where this is going so far.
"I know a place!"
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"Do you think we can have that kind of relationship together, eh?" Jet nudges Chris with his arm, causing the blonde to scoff playfully.
"Only if you do the same."
"I can't help but feel like we seen somehing we shouldn't though." Iman hesitantly says to the group. "I think its something way too personal."
"Maybe next time we should mind our business?" Khai interjects. Everyone looks at Moon and wait for her response.
"Hey! I'm not the one who started snooping on them!"