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Every time I close my eyes, I see her there. I see her alone, head down, isolated in front of the empty graves of her parents while the world is coming on top of her; and I see her strong, struggling to remain standing, facing reality; and I see her go, with a slow but definite step, ready to find her way in the midst of despair, to move on despite the pain.
That day changed my life. The demise of the Arendelle's monarchs was well-known around the kingdom and all the ice harvesters approached to pay our respects. But I couldn't get close to her; not before that image; not seeing how a breeze could knock her down at any moment and knowing that I would not be the one to put the pieces back together. We only exchanged a glance, and, the sorrow and strength that I saw in her eyes, devoured my soul. I could never get her out of it again. I could never again live without thinking about her, without wanting her; I could never live again without seeing her.
Since that day, she hasn't shown up a lot, but I have been there, in the distance, selling my ice, making sure not to close my eyes, not to miss one of the times that impressive girl climbed on the roof to watch the clouds go by, not to miss how she looked out onto the balcony on rainy days and let her face soak in fresh water; not to miss how, always in solitude, she wandered from window to window of the castle looking for the best point to see the sunset, and how, with it, her reddish hair lit up and ignited my soul.
I have done nothing but admire her, more than surprise me at her tenacity and strength; of her energy and her joy; and I can't do more than observe in the distance knowing that there will be no corner in this world in which I can share a word with her, in which her intense gaze returns to fix on me, in which I see her smile close to me.
Even so, I have to look, I need to see her and know that she is there, talking to the bees and flying paper birds. I want to see every detail of her, every smile; I want to see all of her being… I don't want to close my eyes, I can't do it; I feel like if I do, I won't see her again.
I don't want to, I can't do it, and yet I have already closed them.
…
“Hey, dude! You are what I call a lucky man!”
My eyes slowly opened letting me see the noisy man who was shaking me with a wide smile inside that cabin.
“Who…? What…?”
“The lake, man. The ice broke under your feet.”
‘It did?’
Suddenly, the painful memory of my body succumbing to the cold came back to my mind causing a deep chill. I remembered it: the fear, the lack of oxygen, and my mind full of her.
“Thank your reindeer, dude. If he hadn't kept you warm on the way here, you wouldn't have made it.”
“Sven!” Of course. “Where is he?”
“Easy there. He's in the barn. He seemed calm; I think he knew you would recover.”
“How did I get out of the lake?”
“My wife is an excellent swimmer. A well tied rope and, in a matter of seconds, she had you out of the water. The reindeer pulled you both.”
“I… You don't know how much I appreciate it. Is there anything I can do to…?”
“Not having died in my bed is more than enough,” the woman who entered the room carrying an empty bag said. “Your reindeer seems to have a good appetite.”
“I don't earn a lot from my work. It's hard to get big feasts. Was it you who saved my life?”
“You can put it that way, I guess,” the woman said, handing me a dry blanket so that I could wrap myself in it.
“Thank you, really. And for taking care of Sven too.”
“He’s a good boy.”
“Yes, he is.”
“Regarding your work…” the man interrupted. “I'm so sorry to tell you that it's been spoiled. Our horses pulled your sleigh while your reindeer provided you warmth, but we needed a place to get you both in, so we dumped the load. Sorry, man.”
A whole day's work wasted… That could only mean one thing: I had lost my chance.
“No! Quite the opposite!” I hastened to answer those people who, even after getting me out of a tremendous jam, looked at me with guilt. “You risked your lives to save mine!”
“But you say that you earn tight to eat. If you lose one whole day…”
“It’s okay,” I lied. “I'll work double tomorrow.”
“But tomorrow is coronation day. If you make two shifts in a row you are going to miss it.”
“I don't think I have a choice,” I replied in a hard-to-control sigh.
“You seem bummed out, man. I didn't expect you to have such an interest in that kind of thing.”
“I don't have it.”
I didn’t have it. I didn't care about the coronation, or the party, or the noise, or even the queen. I only cared about her. On that day, the castle gates were to be open, but the next day they would be closed again. That day that I was going to spend working from sunrise to night was my only chance to see her up close again. But I couldn't fail Sven. He had taken care of me and I was going to take care of him.
I had opened my eyes again, but, apparently, it had been for nothing.
…
‘Great. Two days without seeing her and I lose my mind.’
The sudden blizzard that summer night was not natural: it was magical. It was the same magic that led me to her the first time; the magic that gave me a family. But, of course, I didn't expect it to do it again. I didn't expect the ice to guide me to her once more. But she was no longer a child; she wasn't even that brave fifteen-year-old girl. She was already a woman, a beautiful woman. But was she really there? Was it really her? I fixed my eyes on the shocking ones of hers. That gaze… No doubt, it was her.
Her stare pierced me again, but soon became awkward and elusive; shit, I was making her uncomfortable. How could she not feel uncomfortable while a stranger was watching her like that?
“Carrots.”
“What?”
“Behind you.”
‘Fuck, what am I doing? What is this attitude for? Why am I refusing to take her? Or is it that I'm just a coward and don't dare to face her? She needs help, and I'm going to be there for her. And I'm going to keep my eyes wide open, and I'm going to drink in her smile, and in the timbre of her voice, and I'll cry only on my inside as she tells me that she loves another man. At least, this time, I can do something for her.
‘Don't close your eyes, Kristoff. No, I will not close them again.’
…
‘The doors are closing behind me again, and I have no choice but to say goodbye to her. I have no choice but to miss her one more night, to miss her kisses and the touch of her hands. I have no choice but to miss her hugs and to trust that they will return tomorrow as they always do. And, I have no choice but to tremble one more night at the memory of her body sculpted in ice, of her empty eyes and her lost voice. I have no choice but to relive that feeling every day, the fear of not seeing her again, the pain in my soul, and the weight on my feet. But I don't want to; I don't want to miss anything else; I cannot miss anything else.’
“Anna!”
Without thinking, I grabbed her hand before she crossed that hideous threshold in a desperate attempt to keep her close to me.
“Kristoff? Uhm…”
‘Jesus! What am I doing?!’
“I’m sorry, I…”
I released her hand quickly, but didn't have time to withdraw mine before she grabbed it again.
“Kristoff… do you want to…? Do you want to stay?”
I couldn't say yes. How was I going to stay in the castle? What excuse with? Surely that would be totally unacceptable. And yet…
“I want to.”
And her smile filled everything again, and her arms covered my body, and my eyes closed only during the magical instant that our lips met.
…
‘And her eyes are closed again, but I don't dare to close mine, because if I do, I will miss the halo that surrounds her, and the image of her chest rising and falling peacefully to the sound of her snoring; and I will miss the thread of drool that soaks our pillow, and that leg that sticks out of the sheet, and the complicated carding that is installed every night in her hair.’
“Kristoff?”
Anna's mumbling was accompanied by a sweet kiss from her lips under my ear.
“Sorry, did I wake you up?” I asked, feeling bad for disturbing her meager rest.
“No… Don't worry. What are you doing awake? Tomorrow we have a meeting with the council first thing in the morning.”
“Don't worry about me. I'm fine. Keep sleeping.”
“Can't you sleep? There is anything bothering you?” she asked snuggling into my chest.
“No, it’s just… I don’t want to do it.”
“Sleeping?”
“I don’t want to stop seeing you. I don't want to stop feeling you.”
Anna raised her head with a mocking smile.
“And, is leaving me a widow due to lack of sleep the solution?”
“I guess not, but… I…”
“You can always dream of me,” she said winking at me.
“Is not the same. I want you, not the Anna of my dreams.”
Then she frowned. She knew me well enough not to miss something like that.
“What's going on, Kristoff?” she asked getting up until she was sitting next to me.
“It’s nothing. Nothing new at least.”
“You know you can tell me, right?”
“I know. It’s just… It's nothing that can be solved anyway.”
“Would you let me judge it myself?”
Her fingers carefully drew my bangs back and the warmth of her touch gave me the push I needed to show her that corner of my heart that had never seen the light.
“It's nothing serious; I've just been since I met you… wanting to see every second of you. I don't wanna miss a thing. Every little expression on your face, every jump, every sigh… I want to see everything of you. And, for every detail that I miss, I feel like I am losing an irreplaceable treasure.”
“And, that’s why you don’t want to sleep?” she asked subtly blushing.
“Too weird?”
I knew the answer was YES, and my expression must have made that clear as Anna bit her lip lightly and kissed my cheek in an attempt to comfort me.
“Kristoff… Please, close your eyes.”
“Did you hear anything of what I've told you?”
“Trust me.”
“I always do.”
There was no way to say no to that sweet smile, so I closed my eyes and waited for instructions.
“Stay lying down.”
“I'm sorry to tell you, Your Majesty, that sex, as much as I like it, doesn't fix everything.”
“It's not that. That will come later.”
“It will?” maybe that wasn't a bad plan.
“Don't open your eyes, okay?”
“And, what do I have to do?”
“Do you hear me?”
“Of course I do.”
“I love you.”
Those words weren't new, but they penetrated my soul every time I heard them.
“I love you too, Anna.”
“Now, pay attention to this.”
Then I felt a soft lock of her hair running across my face.
“You feel it?”
“I do.”
Right after, the sweet vanilla scent of her perfume reached my nose. Surely her bare wrist was waiting in front of my mouth. I craned my neck and kissed it gently.
“So, you did know I was there?”
“I could smell you.”
“Fine. Count to ten out loud so you don't hear me, and when you're done, tell me where I am without looking.”
“How do you expect me to know?”
“Just do it.”
“Alright,” I chuckled.
I felt Anna's weight disappear from the bed and I began to count. I couldn't hear her, couldn't smell her, unfortunately, I couldn't taste her, and, of course, I couldn't see her. However, there was something. I couldn't sense her, but I could feel her. I knew she was there, looking at me, probably holding her breath with that adorable mischievous smile, bright eyes, and her hands digging into her knees.
“You're up on the table!”
My tone of surprise wasn't at all about her action, it was from really being certain that she was there. I knew that I wasn't wrong, I knew that I was seeing her without actually seeing her, and that that was not an Anna created by my imagination.
“Bingo!”
I opened my eyes without permission and saw her there, grinning broadly at me like I knew she would be doing, and I got up quickly to catch her in the flight of the leap I knew she was going to take whether or not I got up.
“You've seen me,” she whispered in my ear as soon as she landed on my arms.
“Yeah.”
“You can close your eyes, Kristoff. You can sleep and rest, because, as long as your soul's eyes are open, you will not miss anything about me. As long as our souls are connected, you don't need your eyes to see me, I already live in you.”
A tear escaped my eyes and wet her tiny nose.
“Thank you, Anna.”
“For helping you sleep?”
“For living in me.”
“It's only fair since you live in me.”
“Will you sleep in my arms tonight?”
“And all the others too. But now, if you'll excuse me, there is something important that I want to do…”
“And, what is it?”
“Close your eyes and you will know.”
A million uncontrolled pixies began to do pirouettes on my guts when I saw that mischievous smile that Anna gave me. The next day's meeting was going to be a nightmare, but the pain would certainly be worth it.
Maybe closing my eyes wasn't so bad after all: not as long as she is one with me.