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Sometimes Andrew can’t believe he’s as lucky as he is to have Neil Josten laying in his arms, his chapped lips soft and insistent against Andrew’s own. Neil’s body is a surprisingly familiar weight pressing him into the mattress. Andrew trails his right hand up and down Neil’s side while the other holds his boyfriend’s head firmly within kissing distance. Neil lets out a soft moan that sends a thrill through Andrew’s body. Andrew wants more but the creak of someone walking up the stairs causes him to accidentally throw Neil onto the floor, his body hitting the rug-covered hardwood with a dull thud.
“Shit, sorry, I didn’t mean -” Andrew begins but Neil waves him off and huffs out a low laugh while he runs a hand through his (now even more) messy curls.
Andrew’s ears feel warm as he offers Neil a hand to pull him onto his feet just as the door swings open to reveal his twin. He quickly lets go of Neil’s hand and attempts to look busy with the textbook Neil had been reading before they decided that kissing was a better use of the limited alone time they had together.
“Hey, ‘Drew, where - oh, hey Neil. I didn’t know you were here already. You staying for dinner?” Aaron says, seemingly oblivious to how red both of their lips look after an extended period of making out and how slightly rumpled their clothes are. Andrew already knows the answer to his twin’s question, but he eyes his boyfriend curiously when he notices Neil twitch out of the corner of his eye.
“I don’t think I am tonight. I actually will probably head out in another couple of minutes. I need to feed the cats and do… stuff,” Neil replies. Andrew can’t help but be surprised at the redheaded boy’s answer. Neil has spent every evening at the Minyard-Dobsons’ since Andrew and Aaron both agreed that they would look out for him on his first day at Columbia High. His uncle is a kind man and cares about his nephew, but generally works late doing whatever it is the head of a crime syndicate does. Once Andrew and Aaron found out that Neil spent most of his after-school time alone, they began to invite him over for dinner, and eventually, it became a part of their routine. Neil had only missed having dinner with them once since their tradition began and it had been because he was too sick to leave his bed.
He also didn’t tell Andrew any of this, and Neil hasn’t lied or omitted anything from Andrew for over a year (with the exception of Neil’s crush on Andrew, which is obviously no longer a secret).
Aaron’s face falls a bit (as does Andrew’s, though he does his best to hide) but he nods his understanding. “Okay, I’ll let Mom know that she doesn’t need to make as much as usual. Everything okay?”
Neil nods quickly, grabbing his backpack from the foot of Andrew’s bed. “Yeah, I just don’t want the cats to feel abandoned. Stuart won’t be home until tomorrow and I need to make sure they’re taken care of.” He’s barely glanced at Andrew since Aaron walked into the room and an uneasy feeling sinks to the bottom of Andrew’s stomach. Aaron gives Andrew a confused look but Andrew just shrugs in return.
Aaron doesn’t know that Andrew and Neil have been dating for the last few months, nor does he know about the gigantic crush Andrew had harbored since the second day he met Neil their sophomore year. On top of that, no one but Neil knows that Andrew is gay, and until he graduates, Andrew plans on keeping it that way. He isn’t sure how his brother will react to the news, and even though he knows his mom would love him no matter what, Andrew’s anxiety about coming out prevents him from actually telling his family.
Andrew didn’t mean to dump Neil on the floor earlier, but he couldn’t handle Aaron finding out right now, especially in such a private way. What he and Neil have is for them and them alone, and having his twin brother walk in on them making out is definitely not how Andrew wants to introduce the idea to his family.
Is he leaving because of that? He knows that I’m not ready to come out, and I definitely do not want my brother discovering my sexuality by seeing us with my tongue down your throat and a fucking boner because you’ve been laying on top of me for the better part of an hour .
The redheaded boy spins around and offers both twins a weak smile, and Andrew’s heart aches when Neil’s eyes don’t linger on him like they usually do. “I’ll text you guys later, okay? Tell Bee I say hi and I’m sorry I can’t make dinner.” Neil swings his backpack over his left shoulder and leaves the room.
Aaron turns to Andrew with his brow furrowed. “What the hell did you do to him? He was fine at school today and now he’s acting all weird.”
Andrew shrugs and scoots closer to the wall as his twin walks over to the bed, plopping face-first onto the pillow Andrew was previously occupying. “I dunno, everything was going fine before you walked in. Maybe he really does need to be with the cats tonight. I know Sir can get lonely if she’s home alone for too long even though she’s got her brother to entertain her.”
The look on Aaron’s face tells Andrew that he doesn’t believe a word that just came out of his mouth, but Andrew won’t budge on this.
He’s not ready to be out. Not yet.
–
Neil
meet me @ greenhouse after school
Andrew
why?
Neil
need to talk
Andrew stares at his phone for a moment before swiping the conversation away and dropping his head onto his hands. It’s only been a day since Neil fled his bedroom with barely an acknowledgment and Andrew has been unable to think of much other than what could have caused his little rabbit to run. He glances at the clock in the common room and lets out a silent sigh. There are still two hours until he’ll get Neil in front of him.
Pulling out his laptop, Andrew opens a blank document and starts to type all of the questions and feelings he has about the situation. Although his mom is not his therapist, Betsy Dobson has provided both of her sons with plenty of coping skills over the years, and writing has been one that has stuck with Andrew the longest.
It turns out that pouring all of your thoughts and emotions onto a Google Doc can make time go faster because Andrew barely notices the time pass before the bell rings overhead to notify him that he has five minutes to get to his final class of the day. He closes his laptop and shoves it into his backpack before making his way to his eighth-period class.
Andrew is in a haze through the entirety of his and Aaron’s AP Calculus class, and it’s obvious that Aaron can tell something is up. When they’re told to split into pairs to work on their homework for the final portion of their class, Aaron grabs Andrew’s desk and yanks him closer, which is an impressive feat of strength Andrew can’t help but admire.
“What the fuck is up with you?” Aaron whispers. “You’ve been staring off into space for the whole period, and it’s not the ‘I have an eidetic memory’ type of spacing, it’s the ‘there’s something on my mind’ type. Does it have to do with why Neil left last night? It was weird that he didn’t stay for dinner.” His twin’s concern is obvious in his voice, and Andrew feels guilt seep into his bones. He knows he’s been acting strange, that both he and Neil have been keeping things from Aaron.
Andrew shakes his head and looks at the assigned problems on the board, trying his best to focus on the math instead of his brother’s heavy gaze. Aaron nudges his arm but Andrew refuses to react. His twin sighs and mumbles something under his breath about “reticent assholes” and “why the fuck do I even bother?” Aaron eventually pulls his notebook closer and begins to work on the problems, occasionally glancing at Andrew’s work to confirm he’s on the right track.
Eventually, finally , the last bell of the day rings, and Andrew is free to confront his boyfriend about the weirdness that took place the night before. He shoots out of his desk, grabs his backpack, and says, “Neil will take me home, don’t wait up,” to his brother before leaving the classroom without waiting for a response. He does his best to walk as slowly and with as much aloofness as he can muster, but Andrew’s heart is thrumming inside of him. Andrew needs Neil in front of him now .
When Andrew arrives at the access door to the rooftop greenhouse, he pauses and takes a deep breath. No matter what Neil needs to tell him, no matter what rejection might be ahead of him, he knows that Neil will not walk out of his life. They have been through too much to leave each other behind, but Andrew can’t help but worry that this will be one of the last times he and Neil will be AndrewandNeil instead of Andrew and Neil.
Andrew has struggled with expressing his feelings for years, even after he and Aaron were adopted by their mom when they were ten. He spent much of his young life repressing his feelings so they couldn’t be used against himself or his twin and the instinct to shove all of his feelings to the back of his mind is still his default. Neil is the exception to this rule, as he is to most of Andrew’s rules if he’s being honest with himself, but the thought of having to push his feelings about Neil down after everything is terrifying to Andrew.
He pushes open the door and chokes slightly at the sight in front of him. Neil stands in the midst of all of the flowers, herbs, and succulents in a well-tailored suit (likely provided by his uncle), his usually messy hair tussled in an extremely sexy way (likely provided by Allison Reynolds, who Andrew both can’t stand and can’t help but admire) and… a light face of make-up that doesn’t hide his scars but instead accentuates his high cheekbones and glacial blue eyes ( very likely Allison).
“Hi ‘Drew,” Neil greets him, an unsure and slightly lopsided smile on his face, “I want to talk to you about a couple of things and Allison said I should dress up for part of it.” The redhead bites his lip and looks shyly at Andrew. “Do you like it?”
Andrew reaches up to his jaw lightly to ensure that it’s not actually gaping open at the boy in front of him. “Do I… I know you’re not that stupid, rabbit. I hate it,” Andrew responds, doing his best to keep his voice even and his face blank.
Neil’s smile breaks open from unsure to completely smug and Andrew can feel how warm his cheeks are getting. He holds out his hand and there’s not a single reason Andrew can think of that would stop him from accepting it. Their fingers slot together and Andrew feels a weight lift off of his chest. Neil is still here and still wants their this .
The redheaded boy pulls Andrew to the middle of the greenhouse and gestures to the bench he had been standing in front of when Andrew arrived. They both sit and Neil takes a deep breath, looking directly at Andrew with a tense yet determined look on his face.
“I’m going to do the hard part first, and then the part that Allison said I should dress up for,” Neil begins and Andrew can’t help the nerves that creep under his skin at whatever Neil “I’m fine” Josten could deem hard . Andrew offers him a stiff nod, which Neil correctly accepts as an indication to continue.
“I know I’m not the most attractive person, ‘Drew. I know that I have scars and that I can’t cover all of them… so I understand if that’s why you don’t want anyone to know that we’re together, but sometimes I really wish I could hold your hand while we’re watching TV or maybe kiss your cheek after you kick your brother’s ass at Uno or anything that you’d let me.” Neil pauses and Andrew is so shocked at what is coming out his mouth that he can’t find a word to say before Neil is bowling on.
“I feel really shitty about lying to Aaron. You’re both my best friends and I hate keeping such a big part of my life from him, especially because you’re his brother and if he found out in some crazy way like walking in on me giving you a hand job or someone seeing us after school in your car and taking a picture and then sending that picture to the whole school and that’s how he finds out? I could never forgive myself for betraying his trust.
“It’s obviously your choice to come out, and I would never force you, but I didn’t like being dumped on the floor and I miss you when I can’t touch you or be close to you like we are when it’s just the two of us.”
Neil’s eyes are on Andrew and all he can think to say is, “You want to give me a hand job?” Neil stares at him for a moment before a giggle slips out (holy shit his giggle is so cute?) and Andrew can’t keep down the huff of amusement at himself before Neil collects himself and resumes waiting for Andrew’s response.
Andrew hasn’t been ready to come out despite knowing that he is gay since he was only 13 or so. He’s spent five years sorting through feelings of rejection, worry, trauma, and joy to become as comfortable as he is with himself. Andrew also knows that if he tells Neil no, he’ll drop the topic and wait until Andrew is ready.
But maybe Andrew is ready. He knows his mom and his brother; neither of them has ever shown any prejudice towards gay people. They already know that Neil is demi and took that information in stride. Aaron even got Neil a demi pride flag pin that is proudly displayed on Neil’s backpack. So what is he so afraid of?
First though - “You are not unattractive, Neil, and I never, ever want to hear you say that again. Your scars prove that you survived shit that no one else could imagine going through and I love them because they’re a part of you. Even without the make-up, which I like, by the way, your eyes make my heart skip a beat every time I see them.
“I hate lying to Aaron, too. It’s just been… scary to think that it might change our relationship somehow. I know both Aaron and Mom probably won’t leave me because I’m gay but there is a voice in my head that keeps asking me ‘ what if they do? ’ and that voice scares me.” Andrew holds tighter onto Neil’s hand, the other tilting Neil’s head slightly to the side. Neil’s eyes are wide and slightly wet as they bore into Andrew’s.
“I need you to come with me when I tell my mom and Aaron. I don’t think I can do this alone.” Andrew’s words come out barely louder than a whisper and he feels Neil nuzzle against the hand on his chin.
“Anything you need, Andrew, but I need you to be sure that this is for you and not for me,” Neil murmurs, his breath coming out in warm puffs over Andrew’s fingers, and Andrew barely suppresses the shivers that want to electrify his spine. Andrew nods and then scoots closer to Neil so they’re flush together, their hands still interlocked on Neil’s thigh.
“I promise that this is something I’ve been thinking about for a long time. I think I just needed a little bit of a reminder of who the people in my life really are. What’s the other reason I’m up here, rabbit?”
Neil’s cheeks darken and another thrill goes through Andrew’s body. Neil shuffles a little bit and picks up a single pink rose that had been tucked in one of the dozens of flower pots surrounding them. He holds it out and Andrew automatically takes it, sending a curious look at Neil.
“Will you go to prom with me?”
Andrew knows that his surprise is written all over his face and before Neil can read into it, he leans forward until his lips are almost touching his boyfriend’s and whispers, “Yes or no?”
Neil’s yes is swallowed by Andrew’s lips as they kiss and kiss and kiss.
–
The conversation with his mom went far easier than Andrew had expected, and honestly, he expected it to be pretty easy after he and Neil spent a couple of hours figuring out what he was going to say. She had simply smiled a knowing smile, given him a hug, and offered to buy condoms and lube if they needed any. Neil had been giggling again (too fucking cute) and Andrew felt a little mortified, but overall, it was one less person he had to worry about.
Aaron was a little more difficult. The conversation felt more awkward, especially because Neil was their best friend and Andrew’s boyfriend. He was obviously hurt about being kept in the dark about their relationship but was generally a good sport about it all so long as they promised to keep the PDA to a minimum in his vicinity. The best part was the brief yet strong hug that Aaron wrapped Andrew up in just before he and Neil went to study. Andrew felt good to have his brother behind him, especially with such an important part of his life.
Which leads them to tonight: prom night. Andrew adjusts his black tie in the mirror, flattening out a couple of wrinkles before turning around to look at his brother. They had both ended up getting the same suits after some extreme deliberation, although Aaron is wearing a white collared shirt while Andrew opted for a completely black ensemble.
“Nervous?” Aaron asks with a teasing lilt to his words. Andrew gently shoves him and bobs his head side to side. His brother gently grabs Andrew’s arm and tugs in a silent ask for eye contact. Twin pairs of hazel eyes meet and Andrew is suddenly overwhelmed by love for his brother.
“If anyone tries to start shit with either of you, you’re not alone, okay? I’m in this with you,” Aaron says, a deadly serious tone to his voice. Andrew nods and places his hand over Aaron’s on his arm for a moment before breaking the contact and walking out of their room and down the stairs.
Andrew’s breath catches as he reaches the bottom of the steps. There, in his living room, is Neil Josten wearing what is likely a custom-tailored navy suit courtesy of his mafia uncle. His hair is artfully fluffed and curling in exactly the right way, and, Jesus, Andrew might not make it through the night, because the blue eyeliner under Neil’s eyes make it impossible for Andrew to look anywhere else.
He almost trips over the bottom step but catches himself before he can hit the floor. Andrew hears Neil laugh and then there are arms wrapping around his body and Neil’s mouth next to his ear whispering “yes or no?” and Andrew answers with a soft, sweet kiss.
Aaron makes a gagging sound behind them and Andrew blindly flips him off. Their mom shuffles them in front of the fireplace for some pictures before they head off into Neil’s Audi. Andrew holds Neil’s hand the entire drive and Aaron teases them both about it relentlessly.
Once they arrive at Columbia High, Neil gets out and hustles over to open Andrew’s door for him, which causes Andrew to blush more deeply than he had when Neil finally made good on his offer of a hand job. Aaron fake-gags again before they finally get into the gym. They hand their tickets over to the teacher at the entrance and then they are consumed by the loud music and moving bodies.
Aaron, Andrew, and Neil stand together near the back of the gym, Neil and Aaron saying hello to a few people they know while Andrew watches Neil under the strobing lights. After five or six songs, the DJ announces that it’s time for the first slow song of the night, and Andrew can see how Neil’s eyes light up at the prospect before dimming.
Andrew takes a centering breath and offers Neil his hand. Surprise crosses Neil’s face before concern wrinkles his brow. “You’re not out, ‘Drew. You don’t have to do this. I’m happy just to be here with you,” Neil says. Andrew shakes his head and threads his fingers through Neil’s.
“I’ve never been more sure about anything than I am right now, Neil,” Andrew promises. Neil’s eyes are shining, more so under the flashing multi-colored lights, and Andrew’s breath catches. He wraps his left arm around Neil’s back and takes Neil’s left hand with the other. Neither of them are particularly good at dancing, but Andrew can’t deny how right it feels to have Neil pressed against him, his head tucked into Andrew’s neck.
“Thank you, Andrew. You’re amazing.” The words are whispered into Andrew’s neck, and he knows that he made the right choice in choosing Neil.