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It had been a good day. Tsukishima was just on his way home from the museum. He had given two tours then spent the rest of the day in the back room. Right now he was about five minutes from home and he could feel his perfect day taking a turn. He was confused on why it would, seeing as it’s been a great day, but he knew what the rest of his right was going to look like. He was dreading it, which he was sure was only making it worse. The sun was shining through the clouds, the temperature was perfect for a picnic he thought, it was truly a beautiful day. He was upset with himself for not enjoying it as much as he should. His phone bussed in his pocket, he didn’t check it.
When he got to his apartment he was disappointed to see that none of his boyfriends were home yet. It looks like today just got a little rougher. He slipped off his coat and shoes at the door. Usually, he would take his bag to the living room and maybe get some schoolwork done but today he just threw it down beside his shoes.
It was only a matter of time before he crashes and the burning starts so he wastes no time, heading straight for their bedroom. He forgoes turning on the lights and starts changing into his pajamas while he can. He can feel his inner clock ticking down and he wants to be comfortable when it’s done.
When he was done getting dressed, definitely not in a dinosaur onesie Kuroo got him just for this occasion, he grabbed his phone and slipped under the cover where he’d probably be for the rest of the day. The only chance he was getting up was if one of his boyfriends dragged him out, which was all up to who came home first today. It would be a few hours until anyone should be getting home so he plugged in his phone, turned on his playlist dedicated to bad days, and let his eyes slip closed. He wasn’t asleep but his eyes were closed and his body was still. He could feel his body get heavier and heavier as songs played and passed. Tsukishima tried very hard not to get frustrated but the pressure building behind his eyes proves that he was failing. He sighed as he felt tears make their way down his face. Not wanting to deal with everything he tried his hardest to sleep, he fell into a restless slumber soon after.
It was Bokuto who got home first. He had a busy day and was ready for a nap or cuddling with the people he loved most. He pulled his coat off, putting it onto its respective hook, and heeled his shoes off messily beside his boyfriend's ones, just as Tsukishima had done. He took notice of how Tsukishima's bag was carelessly thrown onto the ground. It was unusual but not uncommon. What was uncommon was how quiet their little home was. Usually, on days when Tsukishima decides not to do schoolwork, he would watch something in the living room until someone came home or he would clean or start dinner or anything but be quiet.
Bokuto could feel his stomach turn a little at the thought of the day Tsukishima must be having. It would happen every few weeks, Tsukishima would come home and just absolutely crash. It killed his heart to see his boyfriend hurting but he doesn’t let that show on his face, ever. They know how much Tsukishima wants to get up and live out a normal day. They know how much he hates days like this. He knows what he will find when he gets into their bedroom.
He was correct of course. When he quietly opened the door he saw Tsukishima wrapped up under the covers, the light flooding into the hallway lit up his face in a golden hue. The curtains were drawn and all the lights were off. He walked over to their closet and shut the door behind him before he turned on the light, he didn’t want to disturb Tsukishima's rest. He changed out of his workout clothes quicker than normal knowing that his lover needed him as soon as possible. Tsukishima once told them that being alone made it worse.
When he opened the closet door, after turning off the light, he took notice of the little details about Tsukishima. At the moment Tsukishima’s back was to him but he could see the way his breathing hadn't quite evened out, he took notice of the way he had familiar music playing. Lastly, he saw the pajamas he had chosen. His choice confirmed Bokuto’s suspicion. He took his phone out and sent a text to his boyfriends.
From Bokuto:
Guys I think Kei is having another one of those bad days.
To Bokuto, from Kuroo:
I was just about to head home!!! I'll grab dinner on my way! Give my moonshine lots of care until I get there Kou :(
To Bokuto, from Akaashi:
I was gonna head out in thirty minutes but I’ll leave now, meet at the train station Tetsurou?
To Bokuto, from Kuroo:
Of course but hurry up we are needed!!!
Bokuto smiled at his phone before clicking it off and setting it on the nightstand. It wasn’t often that he got to care for Tsukishima alone. He took a seat on the bed beside Tsukishima’s back. Bokuto put a hand on his shoulder and rubbed it up and down his back softly. He heard Tsukishima let out a heavy breath before he felt him start to stir. He kept rubbing until Tsukishima rolled onto his back, eyes still closed but not asleep. Bokuto could only see a little in the dark room but he could still make out the crease in his brow. Tsukishima let out a whine, probably wanting to know who was home and touching him.
“Hey, honey” Bokuto spoke softly while moving hair off of Tsukishima’s forehead before placing a kiss there. He loved to give Tsukishima kisses.
With great effort, Tsukishima opened his eyes to look up at Bokuto. He had heard someone get home and assumed it was his simply from how loud he had shut the door and the way he had heard him singing under his breath. It was nice to see that he wasn’t going to have to explain himself. Bokuto seemed to already have an idea of what was going on.
“Kou” Tsukishima whispered out in a whine. He pouted up at the man trying to convey just how much he hated what was going on. He could feel tears building in his eyes and it made him even more frustrated with what was happening. He couldn’t have stopped them from falling even if he felt like he could move his arms.
“I know honey, I know.” He felt Bokuto wipe the tear stains off his cheeks. He knew how much his boyfriends hated to see him like this. He knew it was especially hard for Bokuto to see him like this simply because all he ever wanted was for him to be happy. Although, he was ironically the one who understood the most. Bokuto has depression spells almost every day. Even though they never hit him quite like they do Tsukishima, it was the closest he could get to someone understanding.
Tsukishima turned onto his side and put his head in Bokuto's lap. His body ached with the movement and more tears fell. He felt like he was tied to the bed, unable to leave for eternity. He felt his boyfriend's hands start to run through his hair.
“How long have you been home?” Bokuto whispered. He wanted an idea of how bad it was this time. Some days Tsukishima can take a nap, then a bath, and be up and moving in a few hours, with his boyfriend's help of course. Other days it’s like he’s made of cement and would stay in bed the rest of the day and maybe even days to follow. It all depends on an uncontrollable force in Tsukishima's mind.
“Few hours,” Tsukishima whispered. It felt like someone taped his mouth closed. He hated having to talk on days like this. Everything was just so heavy.
Bokuto knew that today was going to be one of the hard ones, but hopefully not one of the ones that stretch out into other days. He once heard Akaashi compare it to venum that runs its way through Tsukishima's body and leaves him paralyzed.
“Okay, how about we lay down together until the others get home with dinner? How does that sound?” Tsukishima hummed in response and tilted his face more into Bokuto’s lap. He couldn’t bring himself to chuckle like he normally would at his boyfriend being clingy, not when he knows why.
Bokuto just picked Tsukishima's head up and set it on the pillow. He then got under the covers next to him and pulled him to his chest. The movement made Tsukishima let out another sob. He buried his face into Bokuto’s chest and stretched out his legs to rub against Bokuto’s. It took a lot of energy out of him and it didn’t help the heaviness but he knew he had to move them or else this would last much longer than he wanted it to.
“That’s it, there you go. Now let’s do the arms then we can nap, Okay?” Tsukishima let out a shaky wet breath but nodded anyway. He moved his arms away from his chest and put one hand between his thighs and the other under his cheek onto Bokuto’s chest. Like this, he could feel his boyfriend's heartbeat and it put his mind a little more at ease. He knew that it wasn’t much but his body felt like he had just climbed a mountain so it was a win in his boyfriend's eyes, he knew.
“I’m so proud of you honey.” Was whispered into his hair and a kiss was placed there right after. More tears definitely did not fall. He closed his eyes and prayed for his nap to actually energize him, he knew it wouldn’t. It was only a few minutes after when Bokuto noticed Tsukishima's breathing had evened out, that he let his eyes fall shut.
When Tsukishima awoke it was significantly darker than it had been previously. Even with the curtains closed some light was still flooded through the cloth, now, however, there was none. He felt his boyfriends moving before he saw them, seeing as he had shut his eyes back as soon as he realized how late it was. However, this could never get past his boyfriends who have been petting him since they got home and found him asleep on Bokuto's chest while the latter scrolled through his phone. Bokuto had only taken a nap for about half an hour while Tsukishima had been out for almost two. It was always a strange sight to see Tsukishima sleep so still during a depressive episode because he normally tosses and turns in his sleep. It feels like a shot to the chest every time one of them notices.
Tsukishima let out a whine when he felt himself being moved and the sound of the lamp being turned on. When he opened his eyes again he was on his back with his limbs laid limp dragged from the potion they had made a home. He took a moment to appreciate how they felt somewhat lighter than they did before his nap. He heard Kuroo giggle quietly like he hadn’t just disturbed Tsukishima from a comfortable spot.
“Moonshine, we’re here to give you love, can you at least greet us?” Kuroo teased. There was once a day when he would have been angry at Kuroo for demanding such things when he knew it was hard for Tsukishima to complete them. Now he knows that they expect nothing from him. They just want to know if he can do it so that they can get a range of just how bad it is this time. He will be the first to admit that talking seems like an extreme task but he knew it was best to try. He blinked his eyes more open to look up at Kuroo, who was leaning over his face with a gentle grin, he was glad that he was now too tired to cry. He hated crying on his bad days, it drained him of the little energy he had very quickly and he always fell asleep soon after. He looked down slightly behind Kuroo was Akaashi who had his knees pressed against Tsukishima’s hips and a small look of concern on his face. It made Tsukishima want to spew out apologies until all his boyfriends were at ease, he knew that was impossible at the moment. His eyes drifted back to Kuroo whose grin was gone, now replaced with a look similar to Akaashi’s. Tsukishima tried to roll his eyes at it but it looked more like a long blink than anything.
“Hello, welcome home.” He was momentarily blinded by Kuroo’s smile before it went away and his boyfriend turned to give Bokuto a look, he was on his other side close to the edge of the bed, his back pressed against the headboard and his legs were long where they were laid out in front of him, pressed against Tsukishima's body. He felt Bokuto lean over to the nightstand and heard him grab something. In just a moment Kuroo was holding a glass of water with a green straw sticking out of it in front of his face. He had an expectant look on his face, for good reason, Tsukishima had no plans of drinking any of that. He turned his face to press into the side of Bokuto's hip to hide away.
“Nope. You have to drink something, moonshine. I know you hate it but you need to.” He wants to scream. He wants to kick and sob and yell because it’s not that he hates it, it’s that he can’t. He can’t bring himself to fuel a body that treats him like this. That just shuts down and hardens into rock. He just can’t but none of them understand that and he wants to hide away so they never find out. He wouldn’t wish this onto his worst enemy, to be betrayed by their own body for no good reason.
“Kei baby, look at us.” Akaashi rubbed comforting circles onto his wrist where it laid on Tsukishima’s stomach. Tsukishima turned to look at his boyfriends with pleading eyes, begging them to understand.
“We know it’s hard. You only need to take a few drinks, yeah? Do you think you can do that?” The soft tone made his body sink further into the bed. He knew that it always started with a few sips then it turned into finishing the glass then into eating something. He knew that, he knew that his boyfriends knew best in this situation. Which is why he nodded, it wasn’t like he was in the position to give much of a fight anyway. Akaashi and Kurro‘s smiles were a bonus too.
Kuroo brought the straw up to his mouth and Tsukishima closed his eyes as he drank. It was only a matter of time before he had to get up to go to the bathroom now. He was dreading it already. He finished about half the glass much to his boyfriend's surprise. They said praises into the air as he breathed heavily because everything was just so hard to do at the moment.
“You did so good honey,” Bokuto said as he dropped a hand into his hair to play with it. Kuroo leaned over them to put the cup back on the nightstand and rubbed his now free hands up and down his arm. Akaashi still had a hold of his wrist. He could feel himself get a bit lighter at that moment. It was like their touches made the heaviness disappear. Taking advantage of the moment he stretched his legs out and brought his arms out above him as far as he could before he let them flop back down. Their hands returned the second they could.
“Do you think you’re ready to sit up, baby?” He felt a pout come onto his face. His hips ached and sitting up would only make it worse. Although the thought of cuddling closer to his loves was reason enough to try. He could feel himself getting more and more tired, although he doubted he’d be able to sleep until at least a few more hours.
“If you help.” He knew that they were probably already going to but he wanted to make sure. They were nodding before he even finished talking.
“Of course.” Kuroo smiled down at him.
Akaashi moved more behind Kuroo as Kuroo and Bokuto moved to slip their hands under his back. Tsukishima put his hands down on the bed to help push himself up. They gave a countdown from three before they helped lift him to a sitting position. He felt Akaashi move to sit in the space behind him before he felt hands on his hips helping him scoot back to rest against his boyfriend's chest. He used to get embarrassed by stuff like this. By now all he felt was his hollow chest filled bit by bit with love. None of his boyfriends would ever judge him for something like this so he had nothing to be embarrassed about. Bokuto had drilled that into his head after about the fourth time this happened and Tsukishima had refused their help. It left his boyfriends hurt that Tsukishima didn’t trust them enough to help with this and him in a cold empty bed.
He wished his breathing wasn’t heavy. He wished that his hips didn’t feel like they were holding up a truck. He wished his head didn’t have to rest on Akaashi’s shoulder because it was just too much to hold. He physically grabbed his legs to fold them close to his chest. His shins ached at the weight they held up. He brought his hands to hold the edge of the blanket close against his neck.
“Tell me about your days.” He turned his forehead to rest against Akaashi’s neck so he could see Kuroo’s body but not his head, he was too tall, it didn’t matter anyway because he shut his eyes not a second later.
He listened to his boyfriends talk about their days. He felt the way they softly touched him as they did it. He wasn’t sure how much time they spent like that but the next thing he knew it was quiet. One of them got off the bed and left the room. He let out a whine and opened his eyes to look for who left. He didn’t have to look long to see Bokuto making his way back into the room with a bowl of something steamy. He groaned because he knew what was coming.
Akaashi laughed at it.
“Come on, let's sit up a bit more so you don’t spill it down your cute pajamas.” Akaashi didn’t wait for an answer, he just wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled them both to sit upright instead of leaning back against the headboard. Not only did Tsukishima exhale a shaky breath but he felt the pressure behind his eyes return. The aching pressure was too much. His head hung forward and his shoulders shook with his cries. This happens every time. With every big step, tears follow. It took too much effort for them not to. They learned to not make a huge deal out of it. They all gave him a second to catch his breath before they wiped his checks and Akaashi held him tighter to his chest. They hated seeing their baby cry.
“It’s okay, we’re almost done then you can lay back down baby,” Akaashi spoke into his ear. Tsukishima nodded and raised his head.
With the hope of this being over soon he was fed his dinner. This part of their routine is still new, they’ve only done this a few times. It still made a pink rise onto his cheeks. Bokuto told them about an upcoming game he had while Kuroo helped him eat. Tsukishima was grateful that they were talking about something else, it made the knot in his chest loosen.
When he finished that bowl Kuroo and Bokuto left the room to put the dishes away and to grab one of their laptops. Meanwhile, Akaashi helped him lay back down. They settled with Tsukishima half laying on him and half on the bed so he’d be at the perfect angle to see the laptop. Bokuto and Kuroo returned and joined them soon after with Bokuto behind Akaashi, back in the spot he left from, and Kuroo sat next to Tsukishima with his back to the headboard and the laptop in his lap. It was indeed the perfect angle.
If Tsukishima was being honest, he didn’t remember most of the rest of the night. He remembers Kuroo picking out an anime they had started during his last episode. He was in a state somewhere between awake and asleep for a while before he fell asleep. Every once in a while he would wake up to see the laptop still on and to enjoy the coddling his boyfriends were giving out. The next time he woke up his boyfriends were getting ready for bed which meant moving Tsukishima off Akaashi and fully onto his back. He felt almost numb to the weight now. He was just glad no one was going to make him get up. It was then that Tsukishima realized that his music had been playing the whole time. It almost made a smile appear on his face, almost. He was very appreciative that his boyfriends understood the significance of there being absolutely no silence. Silence meant time for thoughts and that was a deadly path he didn’t want to travel again.
When they return they snuggle close around him. He is feeling better. Just enough to turn and press his face in Kuroo’s chest. He feels a kiss pressed to the crown of his head. The last thing he feels before sleep takes him for the night is Kuroo tracing his spine from top to bottom.
His sleep is restless. He slept through the night but was awoken by the morning rays. He still feels tired but not tired enough to miss the warmth that was around him. It wasn’t unusual for his boyfriends to call and tell their work that they’d either not be coming that day or that they’d be late. Tsukishima was glad they did. Waking up alone was the worst.
He heaved a breath and dared to see how heavy he would be today. He was still curled in the potion he slept in, as is Kuroo, so he settled for checking the legs first. When he unbent his knees and stretched his feet to the foot of the bed he was pleased to feel that most of the heavy was gone. The ache still remained so he imagined that walking would be difficult, but not impossible. A small smile appears on his face where it’s still pressed in his boyfriend's chest. He lifts an arm to wrap it around Kuroo. The small smile grows at the lack of weight. He settles in and lets his mind wander while listening to the soft music playing from his phone, still.
Akaashi is the next to stir awake, Tsukishima can feel him moving behind him. Much to Akaashi’s delight Tsukishima lets go of Kuroo and turns in his arms to face Akaashi. He looks like he had just opened his eyes, most likely at the sound of someone moving. Tsukishima returns the smile Akaashi gives him and moves his hand to hold his boyfriends. Akaashi eyes him with a silent question, wanting to know how today will be.
“Less heavy. Want to get up.” Tsukishima whispered to him. Akaashi grins at the fact that he’s already feeling better. They were worried it was going to be another one that lasted longer than a week, he knew Tsukishima hated those the most.
“Let’s wake the idiots up and make breakfast then?” Akaashi sits up and starts to shake Bokuto out of his sleep while Tsukishima mentally prepares for the tasks to follow.
“mmm, no ‘Kaashi. Go away.” Bokuto mumbled out into the drool-soaked pillow. Akaashi did not let up on the shaking.
“Wake up! Tsukki wants to make breakfast,” he yelled right into his ear. Tsukishima winced at the volume from where he was, he couldn’t imagine it right beside his ear. Both Kuroo and Bokuto jump up at that. Tsukishima had a feeling that Kuroo had been in a half-asleep half-awake state for a while now. Bokuto and Akaashi knocked heads when Bokuto sat up so fast and they were now rubbing their foreheads and glaring at each other. Kuroo started giggling behind him and Tsukishima soon joined him.
Yeah, he still felt like crap but at least he wasn’t alone. He remembers a time when he had to drag himself out of bed every morning for school. A time when no one knew and he had to go through all this alone when all he wanted was someone to be there. He would be forever grateful that his boyfriends were so caring.
After much giggling and a play fight between Akaashi and Bokuto about who's fault it was for the forming knots on their heads, Tsukishima found himself on the edge of the bed, feet on the floor and two of his boyfriends at his side. Just because he was feeling better doesn’t mean it doesn’t ache to sit, he knew it will feel like fireworks are going off under his feet when he stands. He knows that his knees will go weak at the weight before they can handle it. That’s why Bokuto is in front of him and why Kuroo is on his right holding his hand and why Akaashi is whispering encouraging words to him.
“Okay let’s get this over with.” That is all the warning they get before he stands. His world spins for a moment, he closes his eyes to not get too dizzy. He rests fully onto Bokuto, arms wrapped around his neck, as he feels the knees buckle and his feet sting. That only lasts a few seconds before he takes more weight onto his legs, they let out a breath. It was awful when Tsukishima tries to get up but is not ready, it’s only happened a few times but every time he sobs and sobs and sobs. It always turned everything to the worst the rest of the day because every hope Tsukishima had of getting up and better got shattered in his hands. He would refuse food and water and in some cases, he wouldn’t even open his eyes to look at them. So yeah, they were all relieved when things started to look up.
“I’ll never understand how you did this on your own for so many years. You’re so strong, honey.” Bokuto squeezed Tsukishima where he had his arms wrapped around him and swayed them side to side.
“Me either. It was hell.” Tsukishima said with a bite in his voice. It was still a sensitive topic.
“Never again baby, never again.” Akaashi stood up to hug and sway with them.
“Okay as much as I love this, I was promised breakfast.” Kuroo stood and started to walk out of the room only turning when no one followed him.
“Ugh fine. One for a minute.” He said before he went to the opposite side of Akaashi and joined the hug, sway combo.
Ten minutes later Tsukishima found himself on the counter watching while the people he loved made him his favorite breakfast. He had his legs dangling off the counter every so often he would kick them out and let them alamo back into the cabinet under him just to make sure they weren’t getting heavier, they weren’t. Although he could feel himself getting better he couldn’t help but feel like something was off. He quickly decided to push that thought away and stay focused on the positive.
They all eat on the couch and one of the dramas that Tsukishima and Akaashi watch together when they’re bored and neither of their idiots are home. Kuroo and Bokuto don’t enjoy them as much as the others do and they are mindful of that. However, today they made an exception and watched what Tsukishima wanted.
About halfway through the episode when they were all done eating, Kuroo got up to take their plates to the sink and wash them before heading to the bedroom with the excuse of getting ready for work. Bokuto followed him for the same reason. Akaashi had said that he called to do his work from home that day and that he was glad to spend the day with Tsukishima.
Kuroo and Bokuto came out of the room at the same time dressed completely differently. Kuroo was in an all-black suit while Bokuto was only wearing sweatpants and a sweatshirt over his practice clothes like he always did. They came over to give their boyfriends goodbye kisses and wished them a good day. If they get Tsukishima extra love that day it was no one's business but theirs.
It wasn't long until it was just him and Akaashi snuggled on the couch watching episode after episode.
Tsukishima was grateful for the change of scenery and the company. He would be forever grateful for his boyfriends and their love for him. The ache still runs deep in his bones and it will for days to come but he’s confident that he will get through it with the help of the people who love him. He is confident they’ll be there every single time.