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By the time Lexi finally crawls into her own bed that night, it’s well past four in the morning, and she’s tired to the bone.
Usually, she’d be grateful for time away from it -- the mattress is lumpy and uncomfortable, and there’s one particular spring that’s always digging into her back, making her sore in the morning -- but after hours spent curled up in Cassie’s bed, exhausting every last comforting sentiment she could think of, she welcomes the embrace of her bed like the first drop of water after months in the desert.
Her eyes have been drooping since before she even managed to wrestle Cassie into her bed, and that was at least two hours ago, but even as she buries herself in the cosy little nest she’s made in her bed, she finds she can’t sleep for the life of her.
She tries out all of the tricks that she can think of to try and coax herself into sleep, but none of them work. Every time she finds herself finally drifting off to sleep, it’s as if her brain startles itself awake again, and things start to shift; the faces of the sheep she’s counting warp until they’re unidentifiable, nightmarish, and then they’re Rue, Rue shaking and sweating, hardly able to stand, spitting venom in all of their faces, turning everything upside down and inside out over and over again until she has to open her eyes to blink away the onslaught of tears.
After twenty minutes of tossing and turning, she finally gives in, reaching over and taking her phone from the nightstand with a sigh. There’s only one person she wants to talk to right now, and only one who she knows will still be awake. She bites down on her lip as she contemplates whether or not this is the best idea, but ultimately decides to say fuck it, too tired to overanalyse like she would in the light of day.
lexi [4:47 a.m.] hey, are you still up?
As she’d predicted, her phone is lighting up with a reply only minutes later.
fezco [4:49 a.m.] wassup lex
yea i am
why are u tho
Despite herself, she can’t help but smile at the nickname, the familiarity with which he addresses her. They’ve only been texting for a couple of weeks, and even then, only sparingly -- occasionally, when she reads something interesting and finds herself with nobody to share it with, Lexi will send it to Fez, who will always respond with a level of enthusiasm that seems to be surprisingly genuine, but which she also doesn’t fully trust, simply on the basis that she’s sure no man could really be that interested in the town in Spain built almost entirely underneath a rock, but certainly not a nineteen year old drug dealer.
lexi [4:49 a.m.] can’t sleep :/
shit hit the fan tonight with rue and then everything went crazy with my sister and her friends so it’s just been like, the worst night ever. lol
fezco [4:51 a.m.] yea rue came over here tonight, she was actin crazy
we kinda got into it
are u ok? she didn’t do anythin to u?
& what happened w ur sis?
It’s so unfamiliar, the way that Fez somehow manages to display so much unabashed care in his messages in so few words, that it’s completely jarring to Lexi, disconcertingly so. He never says more than he has to, never minces his words, and yet in every text he sends she can feel the true concern and interest behind what he’s saying.
lexi [4:52 a.m.] yeah i’m fine i guess, she didn’t do anything to me don’t worry
she just like, came over here, idk why, and then we ended up having like some weird intervention for her on my staircase with her mom and sister and all our friends, and it was super weird and uncomfortable.
and then she told everyone that cassie has been fucking nate jacobs (what the fuck!!) and everything just blew up and i had to spend literal hours trying to calm her down and stop her from like idk vomiting everywhere or killing herself or whatever
and rue’s mom called and said they still haven’t found her so now even though cassie’s finally calmed down and gone to bed i can’t sleep bc every time i close my eyes i picture rue like strung out or dead in a ditch somewhere :)
As soon as she hits send, she immediately regrets it, a wave of shame washing over her. God, what is she thinking? Unloading all of this on Fez, burdening him with all of her issues as if he doesn’t have enough to worry about? He just said that he’d ‘gotten into it’ with Rue and she hadn’t even asked him about it, just proceeded to word vomit all of her petty shit onto him, like it’s his problem.
lexi [4:53 a.m.] sorry!! idk why i just said all that haha, i’m just super sleep deprived rn. ignore that, i know you have bigger things to worry about. i’m fine i promise, i just need to get some sleep :)
For the next several minutes, she frets and frets over what he’s going to say in reply, terrified to have scared him off.
When he finally does reply, however, she realises there was no reason to be worried in the first place.
fezco [4:57 a.m.] shit lex
thats sum tough shit
u aint gotta apologise for telling me whats on ur mind, i wouldnt have asked if i didnt want to know
u want me to come pick u up?
Fez wastes no time, and despite her protests that she’ll be fine, really, and he doesn’t need to go out so early for her, not when he has the store to think about, his car pulls up outside the Howard house less than fifteen minutes after he’d first offered.
Lexi deliberates over whether she needs to take any of her stuff with her, ultimately deciding against it, fairly certain in her assumption that, while she doesn’t know exactly what’s away to happen with Fez, he probably isn’t going to be dropping her off at school in two hours.
On her way out of her bedroom door, however, tiptoeing as quietly as she can so as not to wake Cassie, she spots the sweater she’d left folded on her dresser, the green cable-knit one that’s been taunting her for weeks. She debates it for a few moments in her mind, and on a whim reaches out and clutches it to her chest, deciding it’s probably time to return it to its rightful owner.
When she gets into the car, Fez is already smiling softly at her, as if something about her simply walking down the driveway to his car was endearing to him. Lexi blushes, can’t help it, and evades eye contact, busying herself with buckling her seatbelt; as she takes in her surroundings, she can’t help but feel a bit silly, sitting there in her matching pyjama set, the one with Marie from the Aristocats smiling on the pocket. Everything about the car feels so adult, from the smell of cigarette smoke permeating through it to the man sat in the driver’s seat.
She feels completely out of her element, like a little girl trying to be a grownup, and she almost wants to get out of the car, turn right back around and go and curl back up in her own bed again, close enough to Cassie to count the seconds between her breaths, surrounded by the evidence of her age, her status, her place in the world.
But then.
Then, by complete chance, as she’s inspecting everything around her with an eagle eye just so she doesn’t have to look up and make eye contact with Fezco, who she’s sure can feel the insecurity coming off of her in waves, she happens to catch a glimpse of the outfit that he’s wearing, and as soon as she realises that his pants are actually pyjama bottoms with little M&MS dotted all over them, she feels herself able to breathe again.
He asks if she’s okay in his same lazy drawl, and when she finally manages to look up and make eye contact with him, smiling that same -- what she would have presumed to be -- uncharacteristically sweet smile, she feels like she might be telling the truth when she says, “Yeah, I’m good.”
They don’t talk much as they drive, but it doesn’t feel awkward, or out of place in any way. That’s what Lexi likes most about Fez, she thinks -- how she doesn’t have to try with him, or pretend to be something she isn’t. She knows that if she were to try and talk right now, to fill the silence with words she doesn’t have, that it would only make things worse, and it’s like he somehow knows this too, and accepts the silence without question.
At one point early in the drive, however, he does look over at her and smile as he takes in her attire. “I like your shirt,” he says, smile evident in his voice, but it doesn’t sound or feel mocking in the slightest -- if anything, just charmed.
Lexi still blushes, of course. “Oh, I- thank you. It, um.” She blinks a few times, willing her brain to stop lagging, to allow herself to act like an actual functioning human being with at least two brain cells. “It’s my favourite Disney movie. Cass got me these for Christmas one year; it’s kinda dumb.”
Fez makes a disapproving sound out of the corner of his mouth. “Hey, what I tell you about putting yourself down like that? Stop it.”
Her blush only deepens, and then her awareness of how badly she’s blushing only makes her blush harder, which just makes the whole issue even worse, until her face is burning literally bright red and she’s staring directly at her lap in hopes he won’t notice. “Sorry.”
“Is that the one with the big orange cat?” he asks, ignoring the apology altogether.
She can’t deny it, she’s taken aback. Not to judge a book by its cover, but Lexi would never have taken Fezco of all people to have seen and be even the slightest bit knowledgeable on Disney movies. Although, she supposes, all drug dealers were kids once too.
“Uh, yeah. Thomas O’Malley.”
“Yeah, I liked him. Me n’Ash use to watch that one when we was kids. It was one of the movies we had on VHS -- I use to put it on and he’d go straight to sleep.”
Lexi thinks that the idea of a young Fez putting the Aristocats on to soothe his baby brother -- rewinding the tape, putting it back in, aiming the TV towards where he sat -- would probably be enough to melt anyone’s heart.
And then, after thinking that, she wonders if maybe her crush may or may not be getting slightly out of hand, because on second thought she can think of several people who probably wouldn’t find that as cute as she does.
“Cassie and I used to watch it too. I’d have to beg her to put it on before bed every night, because I thought if I was watching it when I fell asleep, I’d be more likely to dream about it, or something.”
After revealing this, Lexi considers that maybe she was wrong earlier, maybe she was able to fall asleep, because surely the only context in which she’s letting these things come out of her mouth to Fez are in a literal nightmare.
But he just laughs, that quiet little huff he has that she just knows is genuine, and says, “Tha’s real sweet. Did it work?”
She considers the question for a minute. “Kind of. But I think I probably would have dreamed about it anyway because I was always thinking about it before bed even if we weren’t watching.”
Nothing more is said between them until they pull up to his house. Fez gets out first, and before Lexi can even unbuckle her seatbelt, he’s suddenly on her side of the car, opening the door for her with a patient smile.
When they get inside, the first thing she sees is Faye passed out on the sofa, dwarfed by the blanket thrown over her body. Lexi frowns at the sight, but there’s no time to dwell on it, as Fez guides her through the house to a small bedroom in the back. It’s decorated sparsely -- not much more than a bed, a nightstand and a little TV sitting on top of a dresser -- but it’s undeniably his, and just by virtue of that, Lexi finds herself feeling automatically safe.
“We can talk, if you want,” Fez says, and now he’s the one that sounds nervous, in an ultimate role reversal, although Lexi can’t imagine why. “‘Bout your sister, or Rue, or whatever you wanna talk ‘bout. But I figured you might jus’ wanna sleep first, for a bit?”
In her exhaustion, Lexi feels so overwhelmed with the care and compassion Fez is showing her that she thinks she might burst into tears. He looks so earnest, standing there in his doorway with his hands in his pockets, a slightly sheepish look on his face as though he doesn’t know what he’s doing to her, how he’s giving her the attention she’s never had before, as though he can’t even fathom the kindness he’s displaying to her.
But she doesn’t cry, thankfully, because that would really be embarrassing. She manages to give him the biggest smile she can, and just says, “I do want to talk, I do, but... sleep would be really, really nice.”
He chuckles. “Yeah, I thought you might say that. We can talk in the morning, got all the time in the world." Lexi ignores that that's not really true, pretends for a second that he's right, that she could stay here forever if they really wanted. Focuses instead on the way he blushes a tiny bit before he asks, "You, uh, you want a hoodie or somethin’ to sleep in? It gets kinda cold in here, I’on want you to be chilly.”
All of a sudden she remembers the sweater in her hands, the one she honestly forgot she was holding until that point, and her cheeks tinge pink. “Um, I actually… well, I kinda finally brought your sweater back? The one from the party? So I could just…”
He smiles again, so so affectionate. “How ‘bout you just keep that then.”
“A-are you sure? You can have it back, no problem -- I mean, it is yours after all.”
“M’sure, Lex, you keep it.”
She nods hesitantly and slips it over her head, a little embarrassed of how instantly comforted she feels. It reminds her kinda of a weighted blanket, although maybe ten times more pathetic, because all it takes for the calming effect to hit in is the faint smell of smoke and some kind of cologne that’s clung to the fabric, which she’s already smelled enough times over the course of the four weeks the sweater’s been in her possession.
Fez looks her up and down a few times, gaze heavy. “Looks good on you,” he says, voice quiet, almost pensive, and the weight of his look is almost enough to snap Lexi in half. But then, as if he’s been shaken out of it, he blinks a few times, looks up, and gives another sweet smile.
“Okay,” he says, “I’ma go sleep in Ash’s room, you get in there. You get up and shout for me if anything’s the matter, okay? Or text, or whatever. I’m just through there.”
Naively, disappointment settles deep in her stomach like a pile of rocks. She’s not sure what she expected, of course he’s going to sleep in Ash’s room -- it’s not like he was ever going to stay here and sleep in the bed with her, was it? God, she’s an idiot. She nods, maybe a few times too many to be natural, and with a heavy heart, watches as he walks away towards the door.
Ultimately, there’s nothing she can blame other than her severe sleep deprivation, for the fact that just as he reaches the door, she hears herself -- or, more accurately, the demon currently possessing her body and destroying her sense of filter -- ask, “Fez?”
“Yeah?” he asks, turning around to face her, so ready to give her anything she asks for.
“Could you maybe, um…” She looks to the floor again, unable to get the words out now he’s looking right at her. “Um… it’s stupid, never mind, I shouldn’t’ve--”
“Hey, c’mon, what is it?”
Maybe it’s the real, genuine concern she can hear in his voice that eggs her on, but with her eyes squeezed tightly shut, Lexi asks in a quiet voice, “It’s just, I was wondering if you could maybe… stay? With me?”
His eyes widen. “What, like… in the bed?”
“Yeah, um. If that wouldn’t be… too much?”
For once, Fez seems to be at a genuine loss for words, which she now realises is very different from his usual state of simply choosing not to say many at all. “Like, you want me to sleep beside you, or?”
“Yeah, I just, um… God, I feel dumb asking.”
He takes a step towards her again, as if compelled by just the mere action of her talking negatively about herself, or expressing any self-doubt whatsoever, to act. “Hey, you not dumb. I just thought you’d want your space, you know? I don’t wanna be that guy that just thinks ‘cus a girl agreed to come over she wants him all up in her business and stuff. That’s gross, you know?”
For a second, Lexi thinks of Cassie and Maddy, of Nate Jacobs, of the shitshow waiting for her when she wakes up and goes home tomorrow. But she pushes it to the very back of her mind, determined not to dwell on it for now.
“Yeah, I know. And I know you would never do that. I just…” She takes a deep breath. “I don’t think I wanna be alone right now.”
What she doesn’t voice, but she knows he hears, is that she’s spent her entire night, her entire life, taking care of other people, putting herself and her needs below theirs, prioritising them in every way, and making no time for herself. What she doesn’t voice, but she knows he feels, is that she needs, even for a few hours, to feel like she can be the person being put above something else. Needs to be the one being held for once, not the one doing the holding.
And what he doesn’t voice, but hopes with everything in him that she feels, is that he’s not only willing to do that for her tonight, but every night -- that he already considers her needs, her wants, just her, to be priority above himself, above other people, above most other things in his life.
Neither of them voice these thoughts, but when they slide into his bed, Lexi automatically curls into his embrace, allowing herself to be wrapped up in his arms and cradled to his chest like she’s something special, something to be protected. No words are needed for him to know that it’s okay to hold her as tightly as he can to him, until she can just feel the pressure pulling at her bones, enough to keep her grounded in the reality of the moment, enough to remind her that right now she’s here and nowhere else.
Lexi knows that when she wakes up in a few hours, she’s going to be faced with the biggest onslaught of shit she’s had to deal with in years, that it’s going to fall on her to try and piece the broken shards of Cassie back together, that she’s going to have to deal with the fact that Rue’s mom still doesn’t know where she is hours after she last saw her. She knows all of this, knows it far too well.
But when Fez presses a kiss to the side of her head and murmurs, “G’night, Lex,” into her hair, she lets herself push all of it away for that one moment, and finally she falls into a blissful sleep.