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“You can go now”
Dean said, and Sam felt at peace. He was able to give the boy his last smile. He was able to think about the last few years of his life and how hard he fought to keep his promises and how hard he tried to move on for his big brother. He knew right there that Dean would be proud of him and he couldn’t wait to see him again. Of course, a part of him was sad to leave his son behind, but Dean is a strong man now, he is not a kid anymore. He can take care of himself from now on. So Sam felt at ease, he could go to the light and meet his brother again. Because he knew he was going to. It was written in the stars or whatever. So he went, he closed his eyes and his body wasn’t his body anymore. And then, he saw this beautiful place. And his hair was no longer grey, and his skin was young again, and he was wearing clothes he used to wear when he was a young boy. When he was Sammy, Dean’s baby brother.
And then he was there, right behind him. Sam was not used to the feeling of relief, he felt it just a few times in his life and most of the time something bad would happen right after. But this time he was finally at peace. He could allow himself to smile without waiting for the other shoe to drop. And he smiled because for the first time in forever he heard his brother’s voice, he heard him saying his name. And God, he missed that. He missed that hug, that hug was his true home. That hug was his safe place. That hug was his heaven, even though both of them shared a heaven now. Nothing will ever compare to being in his big brother’s arms again. Together. Like it was supposed to be.
There they were, looking at the river, on that bridge. At peace. Feeling the relief of it all. Knowing that they could stay in that place forever and he would never, ever, lose Dean again. And he is gonna tell Dean all about his life. All about his son. All about his house. And Dean is gonna tell him everything about heaven and what he’s been doing while waiting for him. And they're gonna talk for hours. And drive. And smile. And laugh. And then… and then…
“And… Cut”
Sam heard, in the back of his mind. The image in front of him, that beautiful river, started to fade. Sam didn’t understand what was happening. This was supposed to be forever. Dean was still there, that’s a good thing, right? He still had Dean.
“Did you miss me, Sammy?”, he asked, turning his head to look at him, beaming at him with the most peaceful smile Sam has ever seen. But that slowly faded away too. “Cause I missed you.”
Dean tapped Sam on the nose while his face began to change. Sam stepped back, mouth open. The sky was gone. The green was gone. The bridge was gone. The car was gone. And everything around them was just darkness and cold fire. And while Sam was desperately looking around, trying to hold it together, trying to contain his confusion, Lucifer was watching him.
“You know… It's funny, Sam, I thought you were gonna be the one to die first, but there’s nothing more fun than watching you grieve.”
Sam choked, his eyes wide. He didn’t know what to do with his hands. He was in a running position. He was ready to get the hell out of there.
Was he in Hell? Is that it? Was that his Hell? That was the only option that makes sense. He didn’t make it to Heaven. That’s not where he belongs and he should’ve known that. It shouldn’t be that surprising, considering all that he has done.
“Aren’t you gonna talk to me, Sammy?”
Lucifer pouted and crossed his arms like a rebellious child. Sam just shook his head, glancing around, not focusing on anything or anyone. He never saw Dean again? He’s never gonna see him again.
“Wh-what is happening?” He barely managed to speak. His voice was broken, like he hadn’t talked for days. Like there were rocks in his throat.
He couldn’t make himself look up. He could feel Lucifer’s eyes on him, studying him, but he couldn’t make himself look back.
“What’s happening is that the show is over, Sammy. Did you like it? I may have made some bad script choices, but… who cares?!”
Sam wasn’t sure if he should try to breathe or scream, either way, it wasn’t working. His mouth wouldn’t close, his tongue felt like it was swollen, he could hear his own heartbeat. He was panicking and he knew that, and nothing he could do could calm him down, even though he knew he should. He could handle this. He’s been there before. What does this mean? What does he want?
“Really? Nothing? Do I need to remind you that this whole thing was me punishing you for refusing to talk to me?”
Sam looks up for the first time.
Lucifer is looking at him, his eyebrows raised, so sure of everything. So… tall. And with a smug smirk on his face. Like usual.
“What the hell do you mean?” Sam couldn’t process everything he just heard and there was a lump in his throat.
Something changed inside of him. He wasn’t just confused, choked up and scared. He was also angry. He could feel his blood boiling, his eyes tear up, his fists closing. His veins popped. He wished he could take that smile off of Lucifer's face with a punch.
“I mean… you never left, Sam!”.
Sam felt like he could pass out. He clenched his jaw so hard it hurt, he wanted to scream. It couldn’t be true. He felt like his body didn’t have enough blood pressure and the gravity around him didn’t exist anymore because he could’ve sworn he was floating.
“What… do… you… mean?!”, he gritted his teeth together.
He remembered when he died in that alternative universe and Lucifer brought him back. How angry he felt. How dirty, confused, and suffocated he felt. He was. And that feeling came rushing back. Anger, confusion, desperation.
“Are you dumb? God…”, Lucifer gasped, throwing his arms around.
And then he laughed. Like he was watching a comedy show. Sam felt less than human.
“Sammy, you jumped in the cage with me, remember that?”
“Yes, that was… that was years ago”
“Uhm”, Lucifer put on his thinking face, mocking him, squinting his eyes, “more like centuries.”
“What?”
“I knew you were going to be confused but I never thought you were gonna be so slow!”
“You’re telling me…”
“Yes…?”
Lucifer looked excited, waiting for Sam to realize what all of that meant. Waiting for him to say it out loud.
“No…!”
That was all Sam could say and Lucifer suddenly looked disappointed. He thought maybe Sam would have questions, maybe he was going to throw a tantrum. Scream. Try to punch him. But he just stood there, shaking like he just swam in a pool full of ice.
“Let me remind you…”
Lucifer walked closer to him and he couldn’t move away. It was like gravity came back and glued him to the floor. When he touched Sam’s forehead a flash of images and voices went through his head.
Blood. Lots of blood.
“Gonna talk to me now, Sammy?”
Silence. He should’ve talked. Lucifer laughed.
He laughed again.
“What are you gonna do to him?”
“None of your damn business, Michaella”
Red eyes.
“Maybe… maybe you got out of here, Sammy. Maybe I'll hold on to your soul. But how… How did you leave? Help me out big bro”
“I don’t know… Dean?”
“Nah… Dean won’t do anything, he promised, I saw it. I see everything, Sammy”
“Castiel?”
“YES”, Lucifer pressed one of the wounds on Sam’s chest, he screamed. “I like your voice, Sam, gonna watch everything and listen to it. Send your brother a lil kiss for me, okay?”
Bright light. And Sam was out.
He met his grandfather.
He was in front of Dean and Lisa’s house.
Soulless. Killer. Wall breaking. Hallucinations, but those weren’t really hallucinations,
Lucifer was always really there. So loud.
Charlie, not real. Kevin, not real. Purgatory.
“Now, I think maybe we can have a sibling quarrel, what about that? What about a romance? Huh?”
“Sounds good, I guess”
Amelia, not real. He didn’t look for Dean. Trials. Gadreel. Mark of Cain. “None of it is real”.
Rowena, not real. Darkness. Mary.
Jack.
“Alright, i’m gonna put you in the story since you want it so much but maybe another version of you cause this one here is so meh.”
Michael. Dean,
God.
“He was the villain all along, he was bad for you, he didn’t listen. He tricked you, Sam”
Lucifer. Castiel.
Dean, Dean, Dean…
Dean died. He spent the rest of his life without him. Not real.
“None of it real, Sammy”
Lucifer’s voice snapped Sam out of all the memories and he fell to the floor, shaking, crying. Almost throwing up.
“Did you really think God was a bad guy? I mean, he kinda is since he just allowed you to rot in here, but really?”, Sam couldn’t breathe, “Of course I made him the villain, silly!”, Lucifer was almost yelling, “I think we should win an oscar, what do you think, Sammy?”
Sam felt glued to the floor again. He couldn’t move. Couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t even blink. Just stood there staring at a blank point, listening. Feeling sick to his stomach. He’s been in the cage this whole time.
“Did you really think I would be able to make you have visions of the cage if I was here and you were up there? Of course not, Sam!”, Lucifer sat down next to him and slowly touched his head, patting his hair.
“You know, I had a great time making you live all of this, all the people I put in your life just to take them out like this”, He snapped his fingers and smiled, “It was fun, and I would love to talk about it with you”
Sam looked at him, growling, feeling his voice scratching at his throat. Feeling blood in his mouth.
“How about… I loved your face when you saw Charlie in that bath tub. Oh you felt so guilty. What about when you killed Kevin? Sure, you were possessed but…”, he shrugged his shoulders.
“You know who I liked? Toni.”
Sam took a deep and painful breath looking around, looking for something, anything. He closed his eyes. Maybe he could pray after all this time. Maybe he had paid enough for everything he had done. Maybe God would have mercy on him now.
“She made you think you were getting laid with L.O.V.E. just to make you talk. Maybe I should’ve tried that…”
Sam’s stomach turned and he finally threw up. Blood. Because he is in the cage and in the cage he doesn’t eat. All of him is just blood. That’s all he has and all he is. Pure blood and soul. Lucifer didn’t seem to care at all.
“What about all of those characters, did you like them Sammy? Eileen… Rowena… You have a nice taste. I liked Rowena, gotta tell you, I had to put myself in the story again just to meet her…”
“Yo-you’re disgusting…”
“Uhm… Soulless Sam was nice, wasn’t he? I liked him. What about the Mark of Cain? Did you like it, Sammy? Oh, oh… Mary coming back, that was nice, right? I had a great time with her in that alternative universe. And Jack? Making him kill her? Fun times, Sam, fun times. Too bad you weren't there to watch it. You know what my favorite moment was? All those moments you were praying to God, and then you found out it was me, I can’t forget the look on your face, Sammy, and you did it again when we got here, you just keep giving me everything.”
Sam couldn’t feel anything anymore. He knew he was crying, sobbing. He knew it was cold. He knew he was pressing his fingers against his hand like he used to before. But all he felt inside was numbness. Like he was slowly disappearing, like he wasn’t real too.
“You kept giving me everything, and you’re gonna keep giving me everything, cause I say so, Sammy. I own you. You’re mine”, Lucifer got closer to him, whispering to his ear, Sam felt like he could throw up again. “You’ll always be mine, forever. Do you hear me? You are never leaving this place and you’re gonna pay for what you’ve done to me”.
He sounded angry this time. Then the last thing Sam felt was his head against the ground.
—
Sam wanted to ask him so many questions, but he couldn’t make himself talk. He felt like anything he said would make Lucifer angry, so he curled up in a corner of the cage, made himself small and unnoticeable. All he did was look around, but he couldn’t see anything because there wasn’t anything to see. Just fire. He could hear a lot, though. Screams, Lucifer and Michael’s muffled voices like they were in another room. Whispers.
He closed his eyes and thought of Dean. Maybe he’s happy, maybe he did what Sam asked him to do so many years ago and is now living with Lisa. That should’ve made Sam feel good but he cried more instead. Because that felt like it was yesterday, it felt like it was yesterday they were in the car together, watching the stars, saying goodbye.
Sam should be happy that they won. Lucifer isn’t coming back to the world. The apocalypse isn’t gonna happen. But then, everyone Sam met after that was part of Lucifer’s creative imagination. They weren't real. Anything he lived, loved, touched wasn’t real. All the memories of an older, smarter Dean was a lie. Sam always thought about what would be the worst torture he could go through… he never thought of that. And it was the worst. He was missing people that had never been in his life. People who maybe never even existed.
He never had a kid.
That kid who grew up right in front of him, learned from him, looked like him, was a lie.
The bunker wasn’t real. Their home. All of the adventures they lived. All the nightmares and bad things that happened there. Not real. Not real. Not real. Sam felt like he was going crazy but maybe that was what was happening. That’s what’s supposed to happen, anyways.
He should be happy none of the bad things were real. The world must be safe now. Angels are just angels in heaven, Lucifer is out of reach. Hell is just Hell. Right? Angels never fell. Dean never had the Mark of Cain. Those were good things. This is good. Right?
But he missed Dean so much. So much he couldn’t breathe. For one second he wished he was back in that story Lucifer created, because even if it wasn’t real, he still had his big brother.
“Oh, you’re awake”, Sam flinched when Lucifer got close to him, even just one second away from him was good, “Sorry about that. Sometimes I’m still a little bitter about everything and I just feel like hurting you.”
Sam wanted to fight him, punch him, scream at him. But he just didn’t have any strength. He wished he was dead. If he only had a gun… But he was already dead, and even if he could die, Lucifer would just bring him back. He hated him. And hated how he talked to him like he was a baby he was taking care of.
“What are you thinking about? Talk to me”
Sam didn’t wanna talk anymore. He wanted to rip his heart out of his chest. If he was dead, why did he feel so depressed? Why did he feel anything at all? Why was he afraid? Why was he in pain? Maybe that’s all Hell is anyways. He better just accept it, right?
“Maybe it will help if I looked like this?”
Sam looked at him and saw Dean. His heart stopped. He knew it wasn’t his brother but it felt so good to see his face again, even if just for a moment. Shouldn't have felt good. He hated himself even more.
“What’s on your mind, Sammy?”
Sam closed his eyes, letting the tears fall. His voice. God, Dean's voice.
“Where is he?”, He asked while sobbing. Hiccup. His chest felt like it was about to explode. “Where’s Dean?”
“I’m right here, Sammy… shhh”, Lucifer hugged him tight. With Dean’s arms. Sam curled up against the floor again. He knew it wasn’t him. But… but…
“It’s okay, Sammy, I got you, baby brother, I’m right here, open your eyes, hey, look at me.”
Sam opened his eyes, everything was blurry. But Dean was there. He looked around and he was in the bunker. He couldn’t see much, his eyes were swollen from crying.
“What is it, Sammy?”
Sam had to keep his mind alert. He had to remind himself that wasn’t real. He wasn’t in the bunker. That was not his brother. But he was so close. He could smell him. He could feel him. So close. So vivid. Like a distant dream.
“I miss you, D’n”
“I miss you, too”, Dean ran his hand through Sam’s hair, carefully, softly. So close to home, Sam sobbed again, “Don’t cry, Sam, I’m right here”
It’s not real, Sam, it’s not real.
“Hurts… Dee.”
“Where?”
“Everywhere.”
“It’s okay, Sammy, I’ll take care of you.”
It’s not real, Sam. Wake up. It’s not real. It’s not Dean!
“No… I’m not… Fa-falling for that again, I won’t…”
“What are you talking about, Sam?”
“Stop! Stop doing that!”, He didn’t even know where he found his voice but it just came out, like it was the first time he ever screamed in his life.
Dean laughed. They were back in the cage. He wasn’t Dean anymore.
“I try to do something nice for you and that’s how you treat me?”
“Where is Dean?”
Lucifer rolled his eyes and beat his head repeatedly against Sam’s shoulders, like he was fed up with him. So bored.
“Dean, Dean, Dean. It’s all about Dean. Is that all you think about?”
Sam didn’t answer, just glared at him. Angry. Waiting. Lucifer sighed.
“Well, I don’t know, Sam. Maybe he’s dead. Maybe he’s married. Maybe he’s hunting around the world. How am I supposed to know? I’m right here with you. I don’t have eyes on the outside world, do I? Who’s fault is that, huh?”
Lucifer held Sam’s head with both hands and looked into his eyes. Sam wanted to break eye contact. He closed his eyes. Lucifer shook his head, making him look. When he opened his eyes again, he could feel Lucifer's breath on his face. That’s how close he was.
“I don’t know where Dean is and from now on you are forbidden to say that name, are we clear? He’s moved on by now, if he’s even alive. It's been years there, Sammy. He’s probably just an old fucker”, Lucifer glanced at Sam’s mouth and licked his own lips, like he was starving.
Sam was going to spend eternity in that cage and there was no one to save him. No God. No Dean. Nothing could help him.
“You are mine, forever, Sammy”
His eyes were red seconds before Sam felt an excruciating pain on his chest where Lucifer was sticking his hand on.
God, please, he thought, if you ever loved me, if you ever cared for me… Take me out of here. I’ll do anything you want. I am sorry. I’m sorry I opened the cage. I’m sorry I took him out. I’m sorry I trusted the wrong person. I’m sorry, please, please, let me out of here.
“Your heart is mine”
Sam closed his eyes and screamed. And then the pain was gone. He opened his eyes again. Lucifer touched his face softly, like he was a toy.
“This is your story, and your story is mine”
God, please. I know you can hear me. I know what I've done, I know I deserve this. But… Please, give me a chance. Just one more chance. I don’t wanna be here. Please, God… I don’t wanna be here.
“I’ll make you regret this, Sam. Countless times.”
Castiel, please, if you can hear me. Everyone was right about me, I'm not strong enough, I know that now. I’m not strong enough… But please, just please…
He prepared to take a hit, right on his face, when Lucifer raised his fist.
Dean… please…
And he was out again.