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“I will be going with Sholmes and Iris to the port today.” Kazuma announces on a cold afternoon, tilting his head as he awaits a reaction.
Barok's hand freezes, pausing mid-sentence in his case summary. Furious with himself for even that small of a slip, he clenches his quill a little tighter and makes sure he doesn't look up at his apprentice. “And?” He asks with a neutral tone and starts right back up in his report.
If Kazuma notices his pause, he doesn't show it. He just shrugs a shoulder and gives a smile. “Mikatoba-san and Ryunosuke-kun will be arriving just before dinner. Are you interested in joining us?”
“No.” The chief prosecutor cuts in, perhaps a bit too quickly. Barok had known they were due to arrive any day now. He had tried not to pay any mind, but with both Kazuma and Iris' excitement, it was hard to miss.
Confusion etches itself onto Kazuma's face but he quickly shakes it off. “Very well. I will see you in the morning.” The Japanese man sweeps a polite bow to his superior and is off without another word.
It's only once Barok is sure that he's alone that he allows himself to stop writing again. The nagging ache in his chest suddenly becomes so sharp that he's forced to suck in a breath like a man afraid that he's drowning.
Ryunosuke left England well over a year and a half ago, shortly after saving his life.
There were so many things—feelings, emotions—that Barok had to force himself to process in the following weeks. The very idea of it overwhelming and terrifying, and he was so utterly alone. He didn't even join the others to say goodbye to the duo as they left.
The pain he'd had to face was like drowning in slow motion. Each time he broke the surface and gasped for air, the riptide yanked him back into the depths. Alcohol only numbed the pain for so long before it came crashing back onto him.
Klint had allowed himself to become a monster. Barok had only ever been capable of seeing him as a God among mortals. A hero that fought for justice in all cases. Lingering suspicions were always cast aside because Klint would never do that sort of thing. But he was a monster.
Genshin had only ever tried to protect Barok and do the right thing by stopping Klint. Barok repaid that kindness by prosecuting him and having him executed as the Professor. As if that wasn't horrible enough, he let it twist him into something of a monster himself, violently hating an entire nation of people for robbing him of his brother.
There were nights where it felt hard to sit in his own skin. Time seemed to be the only thing that helped at all.
But even after Barok was satisfied that he had dealt with the fall out from the case and things were as good as they were going to get, Ryunosuke's face continued to pop up in his dreams at night.
At first he was able to reason that it was just from him being grateful. When the dreams became more intimate, Barok told himself that it was merely from him being touch starved. He hadn't let anyone near him for a while.
The dreams still continued, getting more intense and romantic.
It took a month for Barok to realize he was in love.
By then, the only thing he could do was bury it all in the ruins of his heart.
Ryunosuke was sure to be settling in back in Japan, thrilled to be back in his own country. If he ever visited England again, it would be to see his friends, and not to coddle Barok. Saying anything would only burden him, perhaps even keep him away.
No, this was Barok's burden, and he would just have to deal with it.
And so he hurt all over again. Mourning a love that could never be, words he could never speak.
With time the pain faded to a constant dull ache. His inner strength dragged him along as he handled it alone, refusing to let on to something being wrong. Work provided ample distraction. Someone had to prosecute Stronghart and fix the Empire's broken justice system. He was just the man to do it.
Now Ryunosuke was back in the country.
For the past week, he had stared himself down in the mirror and swore that Ryunosuke's return meant nothing at all, it wouldn't change the cirmstances.
These sort of feelings weren't his forte, and though he'd enjoyed physical relationships in the past, he never let them go farther than that. His ignorance left him confident that he was fine. So the feeling of his chest caving in all over again came as quite a surprise.
He would just have to distract himself with work until he got a proper hold on himself once more. If he had to force himself back on track multiple times, so be it.
The chief prosecutor stayed in his office until late in the night, finally dragging himself to a carriage when his eyes could barely be kept open. Had he even gotten anything done?
The ride was cold and bumpy, the same thoughts repeating over and over.
Why did it have to be Ryunosuke? Why did he have to come back to England so soon? Why wouldn't his heart see that these feelings were irrational and pathetic? Why wouldn't his brain leave him alone about this?
Being at home doesn't soothe his melancholy either. There were servants, and wine, and a warm fireplace, but none of them seemed to matter all that much. Barok was fairly certain he'd feel the same in that moment if they didn't exist.
The servants weren't foolish enough to interrupt his thoughts even if they were concerned about his state of being. They worked silently as Barok stared down the flames flickering before him. He could see himself in the fire. Burning in hell, like he undoubtedly would be when he passed on. Wonderful.
Leaving behind a half empty chalice to go to bed was as sure of a sign of something being wrong as there was.
It's not as though he was able to sleep once he crawled into his huge bed. He hadn't really expected to. Thoughts of his past had kept him awake plenty before. He'd just have to force himself to get through the night. If he took it all one day at a time, the pain would ease just as it had before.
There were dark circles under Barok's eyes by morning and the tightness in his chest hadn't eased up. The cold water he splashed on his faced help him gather his wits. Breakfast was completely skipped. He was fairly certain the gnawing in his stomach had nothing to do with actual hunger.
A new case was waiting on his desk to be researched. Maybe he'd worry about eating something after that. The promise of a new distraction fueled him into sliding on his cloak and heading out the door.
As he steps through the door, Barok realizes that he isn't alone. There, kneeling on Kazuma's velvet pillow was Ryunosuke, looking very much like an eager puppy. None of his obnoxious friends were with him. How long had he been waiting there?
“Good morning, Lord van Zieks.” The defense attorney stood with ease and gave a little bow of his head. “It's good to see you again.”
Barok just kind of stared at him for a minute, stupefied. Sure, he had doubted that he'd get through the whole visit without seeing him at all, but why was Ryunosuke hanging out in his office alone? On his first morning back in England?
Once his brain finally caught up to the situation, he lifted a hand to the opposite shoulder and gave a bow of his own. “Mr. Naruhodo. The pleasure is mine.”
When he lifted his gaze, he caught sight of the Japanese man smiling at him and Barok's stomach fluttered in a way it never had before. Ryunosuke's smile was like the sun—soft, warm, radiant—and in that moment he was grateful just to linger in the light of it.
“I thought that since I didn't get to see you last night, I would come this morning. I hope it isn't too much trouble.” Ryunosuke's smile turns sheepish and he rubs the back of his neck.
None of the excuses Barok could come up with felt anything but flimsy, so he avoids explaining his absence. "You saved my life, I hardly think it would be appropriate for me to be annoyed by your presence." He says instead.
That comment could be taken several ways, but it didn't seem to deter Ryunosuke. Few had his resolve. "I know I apologized to you in the letters I sent, but I never heard back. So I wanted to apologize again in person."
Those letters sat unopened in the bottom drawer of his desk. His mother would be furious with the discourtesy of not reading and replying. But he never managed to get himself to. A sharp pang of guilt stabs at his stomach. "You have nothing to apologize for." The prosecutor says rather than admit his sin.
"No, I do." Ryunosuke looks at him with those big brown puppy eyes and Barok has to bite his own tongue to keep his words in his mouth. "I realized as we sailed home that it was rather cruel of me to tear your world apart, only to leave you on your own so quickly."
That was a sore spot. Not even Ryunosuke was going to get away at poking one of those, and he was going to shut him down. "I am not some child that needs someone to hold my hand as I go through life." Barok's eyes turn icy as he crosses his arms, offended at the notion that he couldn't handle himself. If he was weak, he didn't need the world to know it.
His tone alone should have made the defense attorney back off. So why was he stepping closer?
"What if I want to, though?" Ryunosuke implores, and Barok feels like the wind is punched out of him all over again. The defense attorney's eyes are so wide and sincere and Barok has no idea what to do with any of this.
"Oh," The English man replies stupidly, unable to come up with anything better. There was a faint pink dusting his cheeks, eyes wider than usual.
The younger of the two takes another step closer, closing the distance between them. “I was hoping you would be willing to see me as someone to rely on.” Ryunosuke admits, looking painfully earnest, cheeks reddening. “It's something I thought a lot about while I was in Japan. I meant what I said in my letters.”
Barok's mind began racing with panic that he might've found a way to force him to be vulnerable again. Has he not dealt with enough? If either one of them got hurt it could burn everything to ash at their feet.
It occurs to him that this would be the perfect time for a sarcastic, biting remark to nudge Ryunosuke out the door. A harsher one than before. He'd tell Ryunosuke that he'd never read his stupid letters and cared little about what they had to say. That was his safest bet. Once alone he could get back to brooding properly.
After a long drawn out silence, the prosecutor clears his throat. But when he opens his mouth to speak, nothing comes out. He found himself utterly incapable of saying anything to deliberately hurt Ryunosuke in that moment, even to protect himself. Which seemed pretty absurd, seeing as he had spent the majority of his time knowing him doing just that.
The lack of sleep from the night before suddenly catches up with Barok. He doesn't have the energy for this. He sighs, then, and decides to go with the truth. “I have no idea what I'm doing.”
And there's that stupid beautiful smile from Ryunosuke again, the one he wore in the courtroom when he knew he'd won. He must be able to tell that even that small bit of vulnerability had been difficult, and yet he had been able to drag it out of Barok.
“Neither do I.” The defense attorney admits without a lick of shame.
Barok has to admire his bravery, even if it comes as no surprise to him. For a while they just hold each other's gaze, communicating much while saying nothing at all. Ryunsoke presses a hand against his broad chest and Barok takes that as encouragement.
One of his gloved hands reaches out and he slides it along the back of Ryunosuke's neck, pulling him up onto the balls of his feet so he can press their lips together. It's not perfect—a little too quick and his lips are dry—but it makes Barok's heart thud in the most pleasing way. This isn't something he should be allowed to have, but he's taking it.
It feels like a wave of a different sort crashing onto him. All of the worries and doubts melt away for the moment and Barok finds himself genuinely smiling.
Ryunsoke smiles back against his lips and kisses him again.