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In your head, you’ve gone through every possible outcome of the upcoming conversation. You’ve gone through every possible reaction, every possible turn it could take. You’ve been trying to prepare yourself for anything and everything that could possibly go wrong.
He could get mad, he could laugh at you, he could get upset. There’s a possibility he wouldn’t even believe you.
You sprint up the stairs, the same ones you’ve walked up a hundred times before. There’s 23 steps up, you’ve counted and re-counted them many times as well. They’re made of white stone and you remember them being slippery sometimes when it rains outside. Whenever you walk them with certain shoes, the echo is familiar in your ears.
The railing is cold to touch, it always is. You always reach your hand out for it, but quickly take it back as it feels like it sucks the warmth out of you, every time.
His door is at the end of the hallway. There’s a few apartments before it, but right now it feels like the hallway goes for miles and miles. It’s so quiet that you hear your own breathing. This hallway has never felt this empty before. But you then remember, it is way past midnight at this moment, that is most likely the reason it is so quiet.
As you walk towards the door, every time before it plays in your head. The times when you’re both trying to contain laughter and not bother his neighbors. Or when the silence is so comfortable, neither feel the need to break it. The times when the world has hit either of you so hard, you’re barely able to walk and hold it together.
This time, you’re not sure where to categorize it; you’re just walking, trying to reach the destination.
His door. Shut and locked, keeping him safe and away from the rest of the world. The same, dark door you’ve knocked on a hundred times before. Sometimes the knock is barely audible and sometimes it echoes in the hallway. This time, you take your fist to it, but it feels like every cell in your body is telling you not to make a sound.
It takes you another few seconds to continue your movement and knock on the door. And at that moment, you go over every possible outcome of the upcoming conversation -again. You go over everything that could go wrong and every reason for him to be upset with you. One of them being behind his door at this hour.
Everytime you’ve knocked on his door, he is quick to open it for you. And this time is not an exception.
He pulls the door open. And for some reason you find yourself to be surprised seeing him without his suit on. Of course he isn’t wearing his suit, it’s probably closer to 2am and he’s been home for hours. He has dark gray pajama pants and a white t-shirt on. His hair is a slight mess, hinting that the man had probably dozed off on the couch at some point.
He looks good. He always does, but there’s something about this look; the domesticity of it that captures your breath. And the moment your eyes find his, every word in your brain disappears. No matter how many times you’ve gone through this conversation in your head; it’s all gone. His eyes are so kind and soft whenever he looks at you. This time is no different, yet confusion is written all over him at the same time.
Are you making the biggest mistake in your life?
“Are you alright?” he breaks the silence as your own words are still stuck in your throat.
“Please don’t say anything until I’m done. Okay? I need to get this off my chest” you breathe out, every nerve in your body feels like on fire. Everything within you screams at you to stop as you still can, not to ruin things. But you know that if you stop, you’re never going to have the courage to do it. It’s now or never. “Promise me, Aaron”.
And he does. He nods and moves out of the way as a silent invitation for you to enter. Somehow, you find the strength to move. You enter his apartment and hear the door closing behind you.
There’s only a dim light coming from the living room. It’s just enough to keep the darkness of the light away. The yellow tone feels cozy and warm. You notice a blanket on the sofa, confirming your belief of him being asleep before your arrival.
You try to gain your courage as you turn towards the man at the door. He still hasn’t said a word; he has always been a man of his word and he has just made you a promise. But anticipation is thick as he’s waiting for you to go on and explain.
“I’m sick of pretending I’m not in love with you” you almost shout as if it’s the only way to get those words out. You’re too focused on how to go on with your confession to read any expressions on the man’s face. “I’m so sick of pretending like I’m not dying to kiss you. Or that being next to you is close enough. I don’t know when it happened, all I know is that there is no one else I’d rather talk to, no one else I would rather go home with and no one I have ever felt so… complete with”.
You feel yourself starting to ramble. Now that you’ve opened your mouth, there is no way for you to keep it to yourself any longer. No matter what, you have to get it out.
“The thought of losing you scares me more than I can put into words. I can be my weird, a little annoying, broken mess whenever I’m with you and you don’t expect me to change. And seeing you smile has become the highlight of my days. It’s scary, even” as you speak, you notice that he wants to say something. He opens his mouth to speak, but closes it just as quickly. “I’ve never felt so strongly about anyone and honestly, it terrifies me. You’re my best friend and it scares me that I have just ruined the best relationship I’ve ever had with anyone with my dumb emotions. But I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I’m sorry”.
As you finish, you feel out of breath. It feels like a huge weight has been taken from your shoulders, but a new level of fear is settling in. It feels like gasping for air, trying to recover from your outburst.
The silence is deafening. Your heart feels like it’s going to burst out of you any moment. As he doesn’t say anything, you feel tears starting to pool in your eyes. You have, for sure, just fucked everything up.
“Please say something,” you plead to him. You’re in too much shock to read him. You feel a tear falling down your cheek and you turn your head down. You don’t want him to see you cry, you wish you had never come. You turn your back to him as you go to wipe away the tears in your eyes.
“(Y/N)” he finally speaks. His hand grasps you from your arm and gently turns you back around. You still keep your head down, not ready to face him. “(Y/N), please. Look at me” his voice is soft and it’s definitely not helping to stop the tears from falling. Your eyes are still facing the floor, his hand finds its way to your jaw and tugs it towards him. “There you are, sweet girl” he whispers before he lowers himself to kiss you.
His lips are so soft against yours as if he’s afraid you’ll shatter. You’re trying to comprehend what is happening, and it takes you a moment. His hand stays on your jaw as he deepens the kiss. His other hand softly pulls you closer from your waist. Once your brain lets you, your arms wrap around his neck.
Everything else has lost its meaning. There is nothing else in the world but this moment and even if everything were to fall apart, at least there is this moment. It’s so gentle, yet there is so much more to it. There’s a certain sadness to it, as if both of you are afraid that once the moment breaks, everything will break with it. There’s longing, wishing you could have done this a long, long time ago. But there’s passion burning through it all and that passion is your lifeline right now. It is what gives you hope. And it gives you the courage to let the moment break.
As the kiss breaks, you and him both keep your eyes closed, savoring the moment for as long as you can. Your forehead is still against his and his breath is warm as he tries to calm his own nerves. “You have no idea how many times I have wished for the courage to tell you those same words” he mutters, lips still so close to yours. “I don’t know when it happened” as he speaks, your heart feels so full as he words his thoughts the same way you did moments before “but what I do know is, I am madly in love with you. Have been a long time. I never said anything, because you deserve the world. And I never thought I would be good enough. I mean, you are incredible and I’m.. well, me”.
His words break your heart just a little bit further. You know he’s always so hard on himself and for him to think that he’s not good enough is the most heartbreaking thing you could hear.
His thumb wipes away the last tear falling down your cheek. You lean towards his touch, it being the most comforting and loving thing on earth. “Says the kindest man on earth” you try to smile through your tears. But you’re so overwhelmed by everything and the adrenaline is crashing, it’s hard to stop the tears from falling.
“I just” he begins, but he finds himself at a loss for words, too.
“I know” you nod, knowing exactly what he’s trying to say. But instead of words, you pull him into another kiss. It’s tender and loving, and no words are needed anymore. To both of you, the kiss is a way to say ‘I’m yours, never let me go again’. And both of you are more than willing to keep that promise.
No matter how many times you’ve gone over this conversation in your head before, all of them ended up so far from the truth. Nothing could have prepared you for the rollercoaster of emotions that this brough. And you wouldn’t change it for the world.