Work Text:
When do people know when they’ve fallen out of love?
Carefully you set your book aside, the worn novel propped against your thigh as your shoulders drown and lips tug downward. The recent pages of your book had asked that question, when was it time to accept a fleeting relationship and part ways. Granted, you knew the answer the novel would give as this was probably your billionth time rereading it. You knew, in the end, the petty problems would be solved and the main characters would meet again, a flame would rekindle and they would spend the rest of their lives together.
Still, you were always left to ponder the scary idea of falling out of love with someone. To part ways for the good of one another, to cut ties and go on without the person they thought would be there forever. Do you just know, or is it something to learn? Accept? You had no idea, but with how things were shifting in your life you could feel the anxiety over it pooling in your stomach.
You had first met Namjoon while in your early years of university. A small, old second-hand bookshop was just a few minutes' walk away from campus, so you found yourself there studying or reading in your free time. It was usually pretty empty, so when other patrons were found wandering around you took subtle notice. You had found Namjoon between the cramped bookshelves, awkwardly trying to avoid each other while browsing and eventually making light conversation. When you expressed your struggle to pick your next read, Namjoon thumbed out a thick, blank-covered novel and recommended it.
You took it, said goodbye, and ended up finishing the novel within the week. It had been a tad boring and predictable at times but enjoyed the cute stranger's recommendation nonetheless. Every time you returned to the bookstore you hoped to catch him again. He seemed so interesting, so kind from the conversations you shared that day. You wanted to tell him your thoughts on the book, see if he thought the same, but it appeared as if fate had other plans.
Until about six months later when you returned, having stopped hoping for the stranger by now. You just needed a book for school and found it cheaper here than on campus. Then you spotted him, between large bookcases and reading nooks he was there browsing. You doubted he’d remember you, but you took the chance and after some explanation, he did. So, the two of you talked for what felt like forever, because to you time didn’t exist in that tiny bookstore. Namjoon and you got closer and after almost a year of friendship he asked you out. The rest was history.
But now, after two long years together things had begun to feel off.
Hence why you were alone in the living room, curled on the sofa and struggling to reread the novel Namjoon had picked out for you once upon a time ago. After all these years you still found it a tad boring, but you loved the novel that had started this whole thing with Namjoon. It was so worn by now and Namjoon had insisted on buying you a new copy but you couldn’t part with the original copy. It was special in a way.
Normally you could speed through the novel, but today as you waited for Namjoon to come home your nerves kept you restless. He had texted you earlier that he wanted to sit down and talk about your relationship and you had no choice but to do it. For as long as you pushed all the problems away and ignored that your relationship was any less than perfect, Namjoon made it clear this time that things weren’t okay anymore. You knew they were, you just didn’t want to face the harsh reality; instead, you wanted to reread that novel and marvel at the happy ending.
But life isn’t a novel, and your relationship wasn’t written to be perfect.
You had expected it. Things had been off for weeks now, maybe even months but you lost track of how many things you ignored. You hadn’t spent much time together lately, you couldn’t even remember the last date you went on together. When you did go out it was always with friends and you could see the interest and light in Namjoon’s eyes when he interacted with everyone, only for it to drain away when his eyes settled on you when it was time to go home together. He just seemed so much happier to be with the boys or your mutual friends, there was no spark between the two of you. No matter how many times you excused it to stress from work or school, you couldn’t deny that the two of you just never clicked anymore. You would go home together, but not together. Barely speaking a word and going through your separate night routines as things grew worse. When he held you on those kinds of nights there wasn’t any adoration in his eyes, his arms wrapped lax around your, almost bored. Maybe you should have addressed it then, but you couldn’t bear the thought of things breaking. Because you still loved him so much, even if it seemed like his affections were lacking.
You heard Namjoon unlock the door and close it. The rustle of his coat being hung and his shoes slipping off. He moved slowly and when he said hello his tone wasn’t happy or fond like it used to be. This was no cute rambling after a long day of work. He found you in the living room, sitting in dim stillness with the pitter-patter of rain keeping you company. He walked in, he had brought you food, but you weren’t hungry. In fact, your stomach almost hurts at the tense silence in the room.
“Hey” Namjoon spoke, tone drawn out and tired. “I’m sure you’ve noticed by now, we should talk about this.”
“I know” you murmured, suddenly feeling tired yourself. “Just say it, I already know.”
“I’m sorry” he sighs, “I don’t know how it happened or when, but suddenly things just stopped being good.”
You had no idea how things could start to fade so easily. From dates that took your breath away to quiet glances and cold shoulders. Your first date together had been like a dream-like you were the princess in a fairy tale, but now it appeared that Namjoon had no princess and you had an unwilling prince. “We’ve grown apart.” You add, shyly as if saying anything right now would make him leave.
“I’ve been distant and I can’t…” He searches for his words carefully, “I can’t be the boyfriend you need any more, I just think it's time we part ways.”
You close your eyes, nodding as you feel the hot wave of tears flush your face. “I know.”
You don’t talk much after that. You leave the food untouched and go to the bedroom. You’ve already called a friend to stay with, you just need to pack a bag. You’d come for the rest of your things another day, hopefully, while Namjoon was gone. You retreat to the bedroom before you can cry in front of him. He seems so calm, so understanding over the situation. You wished you could feel the same. You wished you could be content with how things were ending, but you couldn’t. You loved him. You shared so much of your life over the past few years with him. It wasn’t as easy as he made it seem.
You ignore him in the doorway, chewing the inside of your cheeks as you try to keep a straight face.
But you can’t help but to look over to him and the tears start to fall. You bite your lip as they rush down your face and Namjoon is at your side the moment they fall. You’re pulled into his chest as he rubs up and down your back, telling you that it was okay to cry. You look up to him, tears still slick down your cheeks. He’s smiling at you and for a moment you think that maybe he’s crying too. “What did I do wrong?” You ask, voice uneven as you stop caring about sounding pitiful.
“No, no” he murmurs, “you didn’t do any wrong” he soothes, his voice faltering a bit towards the end. “You did everything right- everything you could, but I...I’m sorry.”
He didn’t regret it, not a moment throughout your relationship. He loved you for so long, he still does, but he knows that he’s just not in love with you anymore. He doesn't want to let you go, he wants to be selfish and keep you at this side, but he knows it's unfair. He was right to break things off now before things got too far and he hurt you more than he had already. Because, as hard as it was to admit, he had fallen out of love. Your days together stopped being something he looked forward to, you became another motion in his life to go through. Draining his free time, nagging in the back of his head, and stealing his focus away from his life. He never wanted it to, he hadn’t even noticed himself drifting away until Yoongi mentioned it, sat him down, and asked what had been wrong with him lately. That when he realized it all, but you still seemed so happy with him, he couldn't just break it off there. So he tried, he tried so hard to fall in love with you again, but fate said otherwise.
He knows you may not want to see him after this. He doesn't like the thought, but he knows he should accept it. Because he’ll do whatever is best for you in this situation. He’ll never forget the good times, the shoulder you gave him to cry on, taking care of him and encouraging him with work wasn’t going as planned. He’d never forget that.
“Namjoon?” You asked, tears beginning to subside. “Tonight, just one more night, can we just…”
You’re unable to finish, but he understands. You spend the night together. Quiet and in each other’s arms. He holds you like he never wants to let go and you do the same. He whispers “I love you,” and you know it's a lie, he’s trying to make things better for you, but you don’t care. You drink up your final moments in his arms, taking in his false moments of adoration before falling asleep.
You wake up before him and slip out of bed, his arms had left you long ago and he faced the wall away from you. You wished last night had been a bad dream, but you knew it wasn’t. You get dressed and finish packing your bag quietly. When you come to the living room you find the novel. You stare at it for a long time before finding a pen and opening it up. On the back of its cover, you carefully weave a note for him. You tell him you love him, you always will, and that things will be okay. You reminisce about the bookshop you met, tell him that you loved the novel even if it was a bit boring.
You return to the room and lay the novel on the pillow beside him and take one last glance at him. Peaceful in his sleep, a picture you’d miss waking up to. You kiss his cheek and tell him that you’ll be fine and that everything will be okay.
But, it's a lie.