Work Text:
Baekhyun was shaking. Trembling like a leaf. Fidgeting as if his exam was imminent. As if it was peak winter. But the answer was simpler. Excitement. Raw and unadulterated.
He was going on his first real holiday since the entire Covid-19 fiasco! Lockdown after lockdown, cancelled annual leave after cancelled annual leave. Absolute chaos at the hospital. The protocols were confusing. The repeated nasal surveillance swabs were downright traumatising. And Baekhyun was just exhausted. A bone deep exhaustion had settled, that needed some sunshine, beach, and companionship and in no time, he would be back to his chipper self.
Just as he finished having these thoughts, the in-flight safety announcements began.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, please could you pay attention to the following safety briefing...”
Baekhyun always took health and safety seriously. Side effects of being a doctor, he supposes. Out came his earphones, and all his senses were trained on the briefing that he was hearing for about the billionth time in his short 30-year lifetime. It never hurt to be ultra-careful!
The rest of the flight went by in the blink of an eye. Before he knew it, he was disembarking at Jeju Airport. He collected his luggage and made his way outside. The rest of the boys were making their way to the island over the next 24-48 hours.
They had booked a beautiful holiday villa by the beach. Slightly pricey, but taking into consideration that 9 of them were going to be sharing the place, all of them had stable jobs and none of them had spent much on travel in the last couple of years, it was justifiable to splurge a little. A luxurious treat, if you will!
Standing in front of the villa, facing the beach, and feeling the sea breeze, soothing, against his skin, Baekhyun was truly happy.
*******
Kyungsoo was finishing up his shift. He was an apprentice at a quaint bakery in town that he had fallen in love with when he first set foot in it as a university student. He has always had a passion for baking, something he hid from even his closest friends for a very long time.
He did his undergraduate and post-graduate studies in Business Studies and was doing just fine. He fit the role of a business student well, perfectly tailored suits, competent business-oriented mind, dull and unexciting personal life (if he does say so himself). However, when he would come home, his mind would be buzzing with ideas on baking techniques that he wanted to experiment with. Sweet or sour, smooth or crunchy, restrained or flamboyant – he loved them all. Baking was his safe place, close to his heart, his to enjoy.
And so, on that fateful day, when he stepped into the bakery, ‘Xiuweet Snow’, and met the charming Baker that ran the place – Minseok Hyung, he realised that he had approached a crossroads in his life. Two divergent paths stood before him, and for the first time he allowed himself to consider pursuing this secret, this anomaly in his life.
If there is one thing to know about Kyungsoo, it is that he never does anything in half measures. You would never meet a man with a harder head and more tenacious a will than him. He completed his degree, because leaving something unfinished was no digestible for him. But the moment he finished his last examination, results be damned, he applied for a culinary and baking course and secured a place for himself. He also approached Minseok Hyung to take him on as his apprentice, so that he could gain practical experience. He went in everyday, initially just helping with the preparation and manning of the counter and then overtime, populating the display with small, sweet creations of his own.
The decision to switch careers could have been timed better. The whole Covid 19 Fiasco really did set him back and brought him a lot of unwanted and sarcastic comments, questioning, and judging him for ‘poor decision-making skills’, which he definitely didn’t appreciate, thank you very much! He refuses to regret this decision to pursue his passion. He would just have to show all these nosy people that he could and would have a happy and flourishing career. In particular, he wanted to show Baekhyun, a ‘not-friend’ of his, that a successful and fulfilling career doesn’t need to come in one prescribed format. Not everyone needs to go from start to finish with one goal in mind. That people can travel laterally between fields, have a taste for what else the world has to offer before making any decisions and can attain the same success through unconventional routes.
His mood soured thinking of how he would be seeing Baekhyun’s stupid face in a few hours’ time. He tried to pull out of this boys’ holiday many times, but Suho would just not accept it. Using work was impossible because Minseok Hyung was also coming, having been successfully inducted into the group, and Minseok Hyung had arranged for his shifts to be covered by Mark Lee, another wide-eyed, hopeful, and talented baker. Changmin would be running the bakery in their absence for the next week. Minseok would be joining the holiday a day later, just to go through and settle accounts and balances before the holiday. So, Kyungsoo was left to face the music all alone. This was not an issue on their last holiday as Baekhyun, by some stroke of luck, couldn’t make it.
He sighed; he did deserve a break. It helped that they were going to Jeju. One of his favourite places in the world. If he had to deal with Baekhyun and his judgement, then so be it.
*******
Baekhyun had just changed into his pyjamas for the night, when he received a message on the group chat from Kyungsoo asking him to - ‘open the door you imbecile!’.
Rolling his eyes, he does just that.
There Kyungsoo stood in all his 5ft 6in glory, glaring at him.
“I have been knocking incessantly on this door for the last 15 minutes! And your phone kept ringing and going through to voicemail! You knew I would be coming here tonight, I just can’t help but think that you take pleasure in torturing me like this!” Kyungsoo was breathing fire at this point.
Baekhyun responded, “You were supposed to text me when you landed in Jeju, so I would know when you were coming. You didn’t send you your flight details or times and neglected sending me that text. I went in for a shower for all of 20 mins. How was I supposed to predict that it would be the exact time you chose to make your appearance? If I didn’t know any better, I would say you did all of this on purpose, just so you would get another reason to yell at me!” The conviction with which he vomited the words clashed greatly with the bored expression he sported.
Kyungsoo looked like he had more to say, probably did have more to say, but in the end, he just pursed his lips into a thin line and pushed past Baekhyun into the villa, luggage in tow.
*******
There was one bedroom on the ground floor and three upstairs. They hadn’t worked out sleeping arrangements yet but given that the others were going to arrive the next day, Kyungsoo could just shout ‘first come first served’ and have his way, no one would dare oppose him. He marched up the stairs and found a room devoid of Baekhyun’s luggage and unpacked his suitcase. He wasn’t a heathen like that man standing downstairs, he liked to unpack and actually use the cupboards and hangars provided. Just walking past the room downstairs had revealed a wide-open suitcase with clothes overflowing from it by the side of the bed. Kyungsoo shivered with disgust at the unruly state, ‘matches his personality perfectly’, he thought.
After his usual unpacking rituals and freshening up, he made his way downstairs. It was dinner time, and he was hungry. His stomach was louder than Baekhyun and that was not a comparison he made easily.
Baekhyun was lounging on the sofa and looked up when Kyungsoo approached.
“What are you doing for dinner?”, he asked.
Kyungsoo hummed, “I was going to the head to that grocery store nearby and get us some groceries for the next few days, is there anything in the kitchen?”
Baekhyun shook his head. “The fridge has milk but that is all. They have also provided tea and coffee and a bottle of wine.”
“We will need to grab some essentials and plan what we would like to have for the next few days, at least for meals we won’t be having outside. I was thinking as per tradition the final meal will be all of us cooking together at home and I was thinking Korean traditional cuisine would be ideal. And maybe a pasta dish for one of the other days when we are feeling too lazy to head out. I also think I will make some brownies and cookies, so some baking ingredients would be good too. Does that sound okay with you?”
Baekhyun nodded with a vacant expression, “I am happy that someone else will be cooking for me, so I can’t afford to be too picky”.
Kyungsoo bristled at that response. It was a common occurrence. Baekhyun was an absolute menace in the kitchen. Not only could he not cook, but he also couldn’t even cut vegetables or keep rice without getting distracted telling a new story or cracking a joke and messing up the simple task that he had been set. Now, months after the last time he had blown up at Baekhyun asking him to take it seriously and learn how to be useful in the kitchen, he gets the same flippant response.
Taking in a deep breath he says, “Let’s go now then, the grocery store is likely to close in the next hour.”
Baekhyun whines, “But I just changed into my pyjamas……”, he trailed off at the glare Kyungsoo sent his way, and begrudgingly agreed to change into something more presentable.
*******
The grocery store was quite crowded when they went in, obviously everyone had the same idea of some last-minute shopping.
Kyungsoo was religiously considering the ingredients and prices, and Baekhyun just followed behind him, holding the basket for Kyungsoo to throw in whatever he saw fit to buy.
Passing by the confectionary and baking aisle, Baekhyun grabbed a box of chocolate chip cookies and dropped it in the basket. The box label read ‘Better than your local bakery!’.
Kyungsoo stared at Baekhyun with absolute contempt. Baekhyun just looked confused for a second before saying “Haha, sorry it was a force of habit, I have recently become quite addicted to these, my sweet tooth has taken over. I can’t resist buying them when I see a pack. I don’t really bak-“
Kyungsoo cut him off abruptly, “Look, I don’t need you to belittle my job any more than you have already done. You know that I was planning on baking some brownies and cookies for the next few days. In fact, I had been choosing the ingredients for those just this second when you decided that the ready-made things would be better, no doubt. In fact, you have obviously decided that you do not want to try my baking, given how over the last few years you have not once bought or tried any of my creations. But that’s fine. I can accept that you have different preferences. At the very least when we have come on a holiday together, you don’t need to insult me like this!”.
Baekhyun looked shocked and winded. “Kyungsoo, I..”
“Save it!”
The walk back was silent. The air was clogged with too many emotions. Neither of them comfortable voicing any thoughts, in fear of shattering the illusion of peace and creating a rift worse that the one at present, with the next week looming over their heads.
*******
RINGGGGGGGGGGG
Groaning, Baekhyun got up and reached for his phone. The blind fumbling resulted in his glasses being knocked to the floor, but eventually he answered groggily “Heeelllooooo *Yawn* ?”
Suho’s voice filtered through, “Good morning Baekhyun, it’s 10am already why aren’t you awake?”
Baekhyun mumbled out something defending himself – “Its my holiday and I deserve a break after all those long shifts”. Or something to that effect.
There was some silence on the phone before Suho started talking again. “Baekhyun, you’ve probably not had any time to look at the news yet, but there has been an outbreak of Covid-19 on Jeju. I believe it is the new variant. The government has cancelled all flights to and from Jeju for the time being, awaiting more information”.
Baekhyun shot up out of bed. “WHATTTTT?????!!!!!! No way, this is not supposed to be happening. This was supposed to be my holiday!”
Kyungsoo, hearing Baekhyun’s loud screech, comes running into his room “Is everything okay?” he pants.
If Baekhyun wasn’t so upset with the new developments, he would probably be quite touched to be on the receiving end of such concern from Kyungsoo. But he was upset.
Baekhyun hands the phone over to Kyungsoo and flops back down onto the bed. He can hear Kyungsoo and Suho speak but just drowns them out and hopes that he drowns in his misery as well. As the sleep and the initial reaction begins to wear down, he realises the consequence of the above changes. The world fades around him and there is a static noise that fills his brain as he begins to realise what the next however many days are going to look like.
Him and Kyungsoo. No other friends to help buffer the friction. Him and Kyungsoo. Alone. In this villa. No attractions to visit apart from their backyard and maybe the grocery store. Maybe they could go to the beach, Covid rules permitting? But still. Kyungsoo and him. Alone. Maybe not quite alone, his ginormous infatuation with Kyungsoo usually lurks around the corner, never too far away. Always close enough to make him a nervous and clumsy wreck whenever he so much as tries to speak to Kyungsoo.
The infatuation was the reason he didn’t hear that Kyungsoo would be arriving on the same day as him, assumed he would arrive the next day with the rest. And so Kyungsoo had to stand outside in the dark waiting for him to open the door. It was the reason why he didn’t hear that Kyungsoo was going to be baking cookies and upset said man with his dumb antics. Every time Kyungsoo looks at him with that intense gaze of his, Baekhyun loses track of everything else. He just sees those eyes and the everything else becomes unimportant, and his brain shrinks, and he is reduced to this dumb, lovestruck fool, who missed every single word of the conversation, instead of the intelligent doctor he was meant to be.
*******
There was a time when they were good friends. In the first 2 years of university, Kyungsoo was his closest friend. They shared many late-night revision sessions, many drunken karaoke celebrations, and even just quiet companionship on days when the stress became too much. Then Baekhyun went into his clinical years at medical school and the frequency of meeting up reduced quite drastically, due to how busy and stressed clinical school made him. In fact, he stopped meeting all his friends as regularly, preferring his own company on the rare occasions he got a break. But they kept in touch, wishing ‘good lucks’ and ‘happy birthday’s’.
The real shift came when Kyungsoo decided to switch careers and pursue culinary sciences. Baekhyun could remember that evening very clearly.
Kyungsoo was smiling that heart shaped smile of his, and Baekhyun missed him so very much. Baekhyun had just found his rhythm as a freshly minted doctor and was settling into his job well. He had started showing up regularly to their group hangouts. He was optimistic that he could restore with Kyungsoo the closeness that they had previously.
Then, at that dinner, Kyungsoo began to mention this certain ‘Minseok Hyung’ of his with whom he had been spending so much time. It seemed like the other boys were aware of and knew this guy. When the confusion showed on his face, Sehun fills him in on the fact that Kyungsoo had a change in career and that he had been working at this new bakery for 3-4 months now.
Baking? Since when did Kyungsoo know how to bake? Along with the confusion, a strange feeling of betrayal was swirling in his gut. These emotions came into full force when Jongdae revealed that Kyungsoo had contemplated the change quite heavily and came to this decision after a great deal of deliberation. Looking at all the nodding heads and Kyungsoo’s wary face, Baekhyun came to the heart-wrenching realisation that he had discussed his move with his friends. His friends, not including Baekhyun. In fact, quite a few of the others and even Lay who was usually based in China not only knew where he was working but had also met this new friend and boss of his.
Everyone continued talking but Baekhyun remained silent. Did Kyungsoo not think he was dependable enough to discuss his concerns or ask for his advice? When he made his decision, did he not think to tell Baekhyun, the one and only friend he forgot to inform of this monumental change in his life? Did he even consider Baekhyun a friend?
Kyungsoo had been looking at him every few minutes as if to say something. But Baekhyun didn’t want his pity. He realised where he stood with Kyungsoo, and he knew his place. He would stay there. It was a raw and painful wound, that would take time to heal, but Baekhyun would get there.
Unfortunately for Baekhyun, that was also the day of his realisation that the reason the exclusion stung so much was that the feelings he held for Kyungsoo were deeper than he previously thought. The stinging led way to shame and then a sort of acceptance. He would never be good enough for someone like Kyungsoo, someone who wasn’t afraid to be unashamedly himself and so headstrong. Someone so beautiful and capable. Baekhyun was nice and funny. But ordinary. He decided to make his peace with that fact.
If only that was where their history stopped, but no! The newfound realisation of feelings led to many a foot in mouth moments on Baekhyun’s part and slowly but surely, Baekhyun went from being a close friend to an acquaintance to someone Kyungsoo couldn’t stand.
The first of many was on that same night when Kyungsoo approached him on their walk back home from the Karaoke bar. Not so much secondary to his feelings of love and affection, but more because of the selfish hurt he was feeling. He wanted to hurt Kyungsoo as much as Kyungsoo hurt him.
“Hey…,” Kyungsoo had whispered softly. “How are you holding up?”
Baekhyun snorted, “I’m fine. How are you? A Baker now then?”
“I want to be,” Kyungsoo said. “I know it is a big decision and maybe a stupid one, but I want to. More than anything else.”
“It is very risky decision. Did you think of the financial consequences, the time commitment, the job security? Did the others counsel you on that? In fact, you had never even mentioned baking to me in the time we had known each other, I haven’t ever seen you bake something before. Did you develop a new hobby and glamourise it?” Baekhyun’s words were going a mile a minute.
Kyungsoo was becoming more and more agitated as each word left his mouth, “I have always baked, I just didn’t really advertise it because I didn’t feel the need to let just anyone know it. I am glad I didn’t discuss this with you, knowing that this is how you would react. At least the people I discussed this with were supportive. I should have known better than to try and talk to you.”
“What is that supposed to mean? You knew I would react a certain way? Tell me how you came to that conclusion?” Baekhyun responded.
“You and your highly successful vocational career. Every mother’s dream. Oh look! Baekhyun is a doctor. Look, he takes his studies so seriously. He ticked all the boxes through school and is actually using the degree he got to become someone successful in his life. You have never had to fight for what you wanted. Never had to take risks. You would never understand my ambitions and my staggered path when you just bulldozed your way straight to the finish line.” Kyungsoo was literally shaking with rage at the end of his rant.
“I guess we were never really friends, were we?” Baekhyun breathed. His heart had sunk into the depths of hell with no hope of every coming back up. “Well, I will be honest with you. I know you think this is your passion, and because, for some reason despite obviously not considering me a friend, you spoke to me today, I will offer my view – take it or leave it. This was a risky decision. There were a lot of things to be considered. But since you made your choice, I wish you all the very best of luck. You sure are going to need it.”
As the words left his mouth, Baekhyun knew he was wrong. Even if he was hurt by Kyungsoo’s dismissal and judgement, his friend was starting a new chapter in his life. He deserved sincere best wishes. But here he was, hurt clouding his judgement. He just gave absolute justification to Kyungsoo’s assessment of him. A sort of self-fulfilling prophecy if you will. Kyungsoo had, for whatever reasons he had, painted him in a certain light. That fact had upset and hurt Baekhyun. So, Baekhyun, whether unthinking of the consequences or perhaps more truthfully, purposefully, decided to play the part of the guy Kyungsoo had envisioned him to be.
*******
Three years on, Kyungsoo barely tolerated Baekhyun and Baekhyun accepted whatever interaction Kyungsoo was willing to spare him.
Baekhyun on his part, had desperately tried to apologise for his words that day. He apologised verbally, tried to meet up with Kyungsoo one on one, tried to buy him his favourite coffee, tea, chocolates – you name it and Baekhyun has tried it. But Kyungsoo who was already struggling with the big decision he made, just couldn’t find it in himself to humour or forgive Baekhyun. Kyungsoo knew the other was trying, but he couldn’t forget the absolute sarcasm and patronising tone in which Baekhyun had dismissed his dream like it was a mistake. He remembered that scene and that feeling every time he saw Baekhyun.
There was a time when Baekhyun’s efforts nearly got to Kyungsoo and he felt himself relax and forgive him. Well, almost forgive him.
But then the Pandemic hit within half a year of his switch. The bakery had to close due to reduced customers and financial strain. His culinary studies course moved online. He felt so disheartened. He became increasingly aware of the looks of pity he would receive from friends and family alike. This increased sensitiveness affected the way he perceived look and every interaction. He didn’t want the pity. He didn’t want to regret his decision. During this time, Baekhyun was the only one who didn’t look at him like that. Instead, Kyungsoo saw a big, fat ‘I TOLD YOU SO’ expression plastered on his face every time he would see him. Kyungsoo just knew what the smug expression on his face was. He just knew. And he couldn’t stand it.
He even confronted Baekhyun about it one day when the group met up for coffee. The others were yet to arrive and Jongdae had gone to the toilet.
“Just say it,” Kyungsoo growled. “I know you are dying to!”
“What?” came Baekhyun’s confused exclamation.
“I know you are dying to say, ‘I told you so’, so just say it and get it over with, I don’t have time for your superiority complex.”
“Uhh, I mean I did tell you so, I guess, but Kyungsoo I think the one with the complex here isn’t really me,” Baekhyun trailed off, realising that he had once again made things worse despite being right.
Their relationship never really recovered from that.
*******
Their history flashed through his eyes in that instant that he realised they would be stuck together for the foreseeable future.
Some hurried phone calls, wailing and dramatic tears later, Baekhyun and Kyungsoo sat on the sofa side by side, resigned to their fate.
The authorities had contacted them for a Covid PCR test as they were identified as contacts of a positive case who was at the crowded grocery store at the same time as them. Their tests were booked at the local test centre a 5-minute walk away.
Now, here they were, 2 sore noses later awaiting their judgement. If they tested positive, they would be confined to the walls of this house for the next 14 days. If they tested negative, they would still be confined to the walls of this house for the next 14 days, with a sprinkle of the grocery store and the occasional walk outside.
There was a solemn atmosphere brewing. A silent wake-up call, to put aside their differences and feelings to survive the coming weeks.
RINGGGGG
Both Kyungsoo and Baekhyun flinched at the shrill ring of the mobile. Kyungsoo picked up the phone and put it on speaker.
“Hello, is this Mr. Do Kyungsoo?”
Kyungsoo responded in the affirmative.
“Your Covid test result was negative.”
There was a collective sigh of relief in the room.
“However, as you have been identified as a contact, we will require you to self-isolate for 14 days.”
The instructions didn’t come as a surprise to either of them. Kyungsoo thanked them and placed the phone down.
One down, one to go.
RINGGGG
Baekhyun’s trembling hands reached for his mobile phone. He placed the call on speaker.
“Is this Mr. Byun Baekhyun?”
“Yes, this is he.”
“I would like to inform you that your covid test result has come back positive.”
At this point Baekhyun tuned everything else out. Kyungsoo recognised Baekhyun’s vacant look and took notes on testing times, safety information, protocols advised and the mandatory 14-day quarantine plan. After the conversation was over, Kyungsoo ended the call and turned towards Baekhyun.
“Baekhyun, are you okay?”
That pulled Baekhyun out of his daze. After swallowing a couple of times, he nods. “I am fine. Sorry you are going to have to be in quarantine because of me.”
Kyungsoo shakes his head and says softly, “It’s not your fault Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun continues to rant, “I always knew it was only a matter of time before I contracted the virus. I mean, I work in a hospital. I always envisioned that I would test positive after an exposure at work. But my shitty luck continues to be shitty, and I get it when I am supposed to be on holiday. When I am supposed to have the time of my life.”
Kyungsoo just continues to listen. Baekhyun was too upset for this to just be about the positive test, given that he is a young and healthy doctor.
“2 years of being overworked, cancelled leave, no support, understaffing, self-imposed isolation from my friends. Just being alone for 2 years. Always alone. I just wanted to have a normal holiday for once. I can’t even remember the last time I had a holiday. But Baekhyun just can’t have nice things.” He finishes with a bitter smile.
After a few moments, Baekhyun speaks again, “I am sorry, you shouldn’t have to deal with my pathetic self. I am just going to head to my room.”
When the pandemic hit, he imposed self-isolation on himself. Things went back to the way they were in his final years of medical school. The bonds with his friends he had worked on restrengthening by meeting up regularly were vulnerable once again. But he couldn’t be selfish. He was exposed to unwell people day in and day out. He couldn’t risk their health by interacting with them more than necessary. At least until a definitive solution came about. Now, 2 years on, with everyone being vaccinated, he thought he could let himself enjoy his life. But no, this new variant couldn’t let him have that. The universe always had it in for him.
The last boys’ trip, Baekhyun had to give a miss because he just had too much work to do and couldn’t get leave. The FOMO was real, but he understood that his friends needed the holiday, it was their outlet. He wasn’t going to come in between that.
Ever since he started clinical school, he felt the chasm between his friends and him widen. His strained relationship with Kyungsoo was always at the back of his mind. He knew the rest of the group stayed out of it on purpose, but he also knew that if things were to worsen, without a doubt they would support Kyungsoo in an instant over him. Not that he would want it any other way, but it made the reality all the more painful. He felt like the ‘fringe’ friend. His life revolved around work, and it was too late to change it. His friends knew him and supported him, but the relationship felt superficial and fleeting. He felt left out. This feeling started when he lost Kyungsoo and has evolved into this ugly monster inside him, that constantly reminds him of how alone he is. Rationally, he knows his friends, and even Kyungsoo, are there for him. But the heart feels what it feels. And he feels inadequate. This trip was his chance to rebuild the closeness he lacked with them, but the chance was snatched from his hands before he could blink.
Heavy thoughts clouded his mind and he fell into a fitful sleep.
*******
Meanwhile, Kyungsoo sat outside with a lot on his mind. He had a lot to think about after Baekhyun’s outpouring of emotions.
He felt ashamed that in all these years of knowing Baekhyun, through the easy and tough times, he had only ever thought about himself and his feelings. Kyungsoo never thought that he was selfish. Always the first one to share his food, time, space, money with anyone friends, family, strangers. He prided himself on knowing the problems his friends faced and providing support as and when they needed it.
Chanyeol, sweet Chanyeol, had lost his job at the record store and hadn’t told anyone about it. It was his 3rd job that year, but he was struggling to maintain a stable job due to the pandemic and was really struggling with his mental health as a result. Kyungsoo could tell immediately, that there was something bothering Chanyeol. He ended up providing advice, financial support, and a shoulder to cry on for nearly a year, until Chanyeol, with that brilliant mind of his, secured himself a job at an up-and-coming entertainment agency as one of the composers. Their relationship strengthened so much that Kyungsoo would quite easily lay his life down for Chanyeol without any hesitation.
Looking through all his interactions with the rest of the group, he can think of countless instances when he had been there for them and vice versa.
But when he thinks of Baekhyun, he is filled with guilt.
Even when they were on good terms, he’d always held Baekhyun an arm’s length away. On a pedestal almost. Baekhyun was talented, driven, intelligent, sharp, good looking, kind, funny, life of the party, approachable and comfortable. He was everything and more. Kyungsoo felt inadequate next to him. Kyungsoo knew, deep down, that if he let himself get too close, he would fall. And he would fall hard. That was the one risk, he just could not take. And so, he always kept a distance. Baekhyun was quite clingy and affectionate, so it was hard initially. But when Baekhyun became busy being the capable medical student that he was, Kyungsoo meticulously worked to keep that distance. And with time, the distance became so wide, that he didn’t consider Baekhyun a friend anymore. Rather, this enviable person that was too good for him.
‘Of the two of us, I am not the one with a complex.’
Baekhyun’s words swim through his mind. Kyungsoo’s stomach churns uncomfortably.
He knew his inferiority complex had driven most of their negative interactions. He knew Baekhyun never meant to be condescending or patronising. He knew Baekhyun. But he was viewing Baekhyun with these jealousy-tinted glasses and didn’t want to take them off. It was easier to leave them on. And he let Baekhyun down.
Hearing the sadness in Baekhyun’s words, not in his usual dramatic style, but said with an air of inevitability and resignation, made Kyungsoo tear up. He had never felt so ashamed of himself before.
He never asked Baekhyun about his troubles, just assumed that he had it easy.
But in that moment, he made the decision to be better for Baekhyun. To do his best in repairing this relationship that he broke, to do what Baekhyun tried to after their first fight.
*******
Baekhyun woke up to the aromatic smell of Kyungoo’s mouth-watering cooking. “At least I haven’t lost my sense of smell,” Baekhyun thought wryly.
He made his way to the kitchen at the pace of a snail.
Kyungsoo’s back was to him. He looked at those broad shoulders flexing as he moved with his headphones on, no doubt listening to the newest IU album, Baekhyun knew him too well. Baekhyun makes his way over and taps Kyungsoo on the shoulder. Kyungsoo flinches, drops what he was holding and looks back wide-eyed, a portion of the pasta all over the sink.
“I’m so sorry, Oh my God, what the hell was I thinking, you were busy. Why would I disturb you. Sorry. I totally deserve you yelling at me. Oh my god, I am such an idiot. I can never do a single thing right in the kitchen. I really am sorry Kyungsoo.”
An accident, an honest accident is all it was. Yet Baekhyun’s response reminded Kyungsoo that before today, he would have reacted badly to this, and Baekhyun would be apologising in much the same way, until he had enough of grovelling and the sparring would occur instead.
This Kyungsoo was going to be better than the Kyungsoo one day ago.
“It’s okay Baekhyun. It was a mistake. There is still enough pasta for the both of us.” He tries to smile reassuringly.
Baekhyun looks on warily. “Okay, who are you and what have you done with Kyungsoo?”
“Baekhyun, I think I owe you an apology.” With that, Kyungsoo explains most of the thoughts he had during his reflective episode, minus the ‘risk of falling for Baekhyun’ part. Some things were meant to be between Kyungsoo, God and the Reader. Baekhyun most certainly did not need to know.
Baekhyun remained deathly silent throughout most of his ramblings and apologies.
At the end of the speech, he trails off. The silence and lack of reaction was almost unbearable and Kyungsoo thought for a second that he made the biggest mistake of his life. He shouldn’t have changed the status quo. He shook himself out of that quickly, he was doing this because he wanted to be a better person. Baekhyun has the right to forgive him or not forgive him, he will just have to accept that.
Baekhyun swallows rather loudly. “You really don’t have to do this out of pity you know. You really don’t have to feel sorry for me because I feel lonely and friendless. I don’t need your charity.”
“Did you not hear what I had to say? I was trying to tell you that I felt inadequate and small when I compared myself to you. I am sorry for that. You have to believe me!”
“I appreciate that. But why are you telling me this now, why have you made the decision to apologise now? Because you feel sorry for me, right? If you hadn’t heard what I said earlier today, would you have taken this step? Would you have ever told me that you never considered me a close friend? That, stupid Baekhyun actually thought we were close back in first year, but I always kept him away because I was never comfortable enough with him?”
More silence.
Baekhyun continues, “You know, that I could say that you and I were close at least for one period in my life, always gave me solace. That I drifted apart from you, I always put down to growing up and having different jobs and interests. But to hear that you never wanted to be close to me, it hurts so much more Kyungsoo!”
Kyungsoo cursed silently. He didn’t think that the omission of his non-platonic feelings would distort his story more negatively. He knew that his side of the story had very few redeeming features, but omitting the fact that he was trying to protect his heart really made him seem like a selfish, insecure bastard who played with Baekhyun’s friendliness and then dropped him when things got tough. But Kyungsoo could not open up about those feelings, because, well he didn’t know how genuine they were at the time or how genuine they are anymore. He just knew that he couldn’t allow himself to fall for Baekhyun. All that lay in that avenue was rejection and heartbreak. And Baekhyun would be so nice about it, trying to make Kyungsoo feel comfortable, but would in that same breath prove again why he was too good for Kyungsoo to even dream about.
All that comes out of Kyungsoo’s mouth after that internal monologue was, “I’m sorry.”
Baekhyun sighs. “I am just exhausted Kyungsoo. You exhaust me.”
More silence. It is becoming the new norm for them. Previously they couldn’t go 10 mins in the same room without bickering about every small thing. The shift was palpable.
Dinner occurred in silence. They were making their way to their respective rooms when Kyungsoo hears a soft, “Good night and sleep well.” So soft, he almost didn’t hear it. But he will take what he can get, and he responds in kind and goes to sleep feeling lighter than he has in years.
Friends or not, Baekhyun had always been a big part of his life. The strained relationship they had was a massive burden that the both of them were carrying, that much was obvious.
*******
Over the next few days, a tentative companionship bloomed between the two of them. The transition was seamless. They knew each other’s likes and dislikes like the back of their hand, and while previously this information was used to fuel insults and jibes, now they used it to appreciate each other.
With all the free time they had been presented with, they started watching Baekhyun’s favourite Manga series Boku No Hero Academia. Kyungsoo remembers calling Baekhyun childish for watching a show on high school superheroes. How he wishes he could have taken back those words because, 3 days and 5 seasons later, Kacchan is totally his favourite. Baekhyun comments that it’s probably because Kyungsoo’s and Kacchan’s personalities are similar. A few days ago, that would have rubbed Kyungsoo the wrong way, but now he sees these comments for what they really are- Baekhyun’s style of playful banter.
It is now 3am and have seen that last episode available online. They initially started on the sofa but retreated to Baekhyun’s bedroom for comfort purposes after both of their backs’ reminded them that they weren’t 18 anymore.
Baekhyun’s room was as dirty as ever. Still disgusting, but now Kyungsoo was oddly fond. The state of the room was so intrinsically Baekhyun that he couldn’t help but be fond. All these feelings that he had locked away came gushing forth to the surface.
Baekhyun was dozing off, he had re-watched the whole series with Kyungsoo, excited to introduce this show and change Kyungsoo’s life forever. But the virus was taking a toll on him. He was experiencing a bone-crushing tiredness which he only confessed to on Kyungsoo’s persistent questioning this morning. Baekhyun vehemently denied any other symptoms and firmly maintained that he was ‘just fine!’.
As Baekhyun’s breathing evens out, Kyungsoo allows himself to feel all the emotions – worry, affection, warmth, happiness and love with the bitter tinge of regret. How could he have gone so long denying himself the experience of feeling so much toward one person. It was so addictive. He felt light and euphoric. It suddenly didn’t even matter to him that he would be rejected. That he would experience heartbreak. “Bring it on,” says Kyungsoo’s traitorous heart.
As these thoughts swirl around his brain, Kyungsoo slips into a dreamless sleep with a smile on his face.
*******
When Kyungsoo wakes up the next morning, he can feel a light touch on his face. The lightest of touches, as it draws beautiful patterns from his forehead to his eyelids to the bridge of his nose to his lips and back up. He feels warm and content, sighs and burrows further into that warmth. And then his consciousness decides to wake up. He feels himself tense, the touch stops, and Kyungsoo, who now understands the situation, wants to backpedal desperately and pretend like he is still asleep. Doesn’t want this feeling to subside, doesn’t want to face the reality that he has fallen so hard, but can only hold himself accountable for the irreparably damaged relationship with Baekhyun.
“Kyungsoo,” Baekhyun’s melodic voice whispers. Kyungsoo notices that everything Baekhyun does, is now painted in a positive light. His voice is melodic, his scent is addictive, his face is handsome, his body is hot, his heart is pure, his smile is healing, his jokes are funny – and Kyungsoo will fight everyone and Jongdae if they tell him otherwise.
Kyungsoo slowly opens his eyes and his breath catches. Baekhyun’s face is inches away from his. His breath fans his face. And Baekhyun is looking at him with the most tender look. Kyungsoo’s eyes flutter back to a close, involuntarily almost, and his breathing picks up. Baekhyun shifts, leaning in further, and for the briefest of moments, their lips touch. It is soft, feather light, but both of their hearts were beating out of their chest with all their might. Baekhyun pulls back slightly and is just about to lean in again –
RINGGGGGGG
Both flinch backwards, Baekhyun nearly falling off the bed, Kyungsoo anchoring him in the last moment with a hand at the front of his shirt pulling him into the bed and into his body in the process.
As the ringing continues, they continue to stare, the lengths of their bodies pressed up exquisitely against each other. Kyungsoo comes to his senses first and hurriedly jumps out of bed to get the phone. He is a couple of seconds too late and the call cuts.
Kyungsoo can feel the anticipation build as he turns to look at Baekhyun, the air is electric. After an eon of more staring, the phone buzzes with a notification of a voicemail. Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun expectantly and Baekhyun nods. Kyungsoo opens the voicemail message.
“Has Kyungsoo killed you yet?” comes Lay’s lazy drawl through the phone speaker. They can hear some snickering in the background as Jongdae’s signature laugh filters though.
“Just fuck already, I am tired of all this bickering to release the pent-up sexual tension you have. Do the normal adult thing and fuck. We all know you are basically in love with him, your drunken ramblings on more than one occasion have been proof enough. Kyungsoo is just a bit slow on the uptake. Just take matters into your own hands you dumb fuck.”
“Stop swearing Jongdae,” Suho reprimands. “Hey Baekhyun, hope you are doing well. Make sure to drink water regularly, make sure to eat although I am sure Kyungsoo is on top of this, take your temperature regularly and if there are any new symptoms call the doctor, okay? I know you are one yourself, but I worry about you. We all do.”
‘Yeah, yeah Suho Hyung, stop being so sentimental. Baekhyunnie, we all heard that you tested positive for the virus last night from Kyungsoo! Did you not think to tell us you brat? I swear Suho was going to lose his shit researching all the best foods to eat to improve your immune system. Stop worrying us and give us updates every once in a while!’ Kai spouts.
“That’s Baekhyun Hyung for you, you brat!” Baekhyun splutters as the voicemail continues.
“Who else wants to pass on a message to Baek?” Jongdae bellows out.
“Get well soon Hyung,” Sehun’s sweet voice comes through and then disappears just as quickly.
“Baekhyun, I hope you feel better soon, and I hope Kyungsoo is taking care of you. Let me know if he causes you any trouble, I will ban him from the kitchen until he apologises!”
“Minseok Hyung,” Kyungsoo remarks, horrified at the thought.
Baekhyun is chuckling now, the sparkle returning to his eyes, his infectious happiness radiating once again.
“Baekhyun, did you hear that they are planning to make a live adaptation of Boku No Hero Academia next year. No one else understands! We have to go and see it together,” Chanyeol exclaims.
“Okay, I think that is everyone. Get well soon, Baek. We all love you. See you soon!” Lay hangs up the call.
If their life was a K-Drama, the OST would be silence.
Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun and sees silent tears streaming down his cheeks. Kyungsoo is by his side in an instant. Baekhyun starts spouting nonsense about his feelings, how he thought he was a fringe member, how he thought he was losing these friends. He continues to blubber through his emotions and Kyungsoo lets him.
“I know you have been thinking that you have been side-lined. But I hope you know that to me, even when I was being an asshole, and to the other members, you have always been an integral part of the group. And we care about you so much. So much!”
Baekhyun continued to cry and then the tears stopped but the hiccups continue slightly longer. Then Baekhyun wiped his snot on Kyungsoo’s shirt. He looked into Kyungsoo’s eyes, so much mischief in his own, and laughed as he said ‘Sorry’, looking not one bit sorry. Kyungsoo started laughing too and soon they were laughing so much and breathing became a struggle.
Eventually, (Some 3 years later), they calm down.
Kyungsoo broke the silence, “So, your drunken self is in love with me hmm?”
With the emotional rollercoaster his friends’ messages has put him through, he had completely forgotten the absolute embarrassment of a person Kim Jongdae was. He opened his mouth to respond when Kyungsoo cut him off in a rush.
“Actually, before you answer that. I want to make my own confession.”
Baekhyun pauses and then nods.
“I want to confess to two things. The first, which I am sure you are already aware about it that I am emotionally constipated.” He manages to get out.
“Don’t laugh,” he warns, when Baekhyun’s shoulders start to shake. Baekhyun bites his lips in a valiant attempt to hide his mirth.
“I can’t deal with emotions I am not ready to face. So I pretend they don’t exist. They say if you ignore a problem, it will go away. That has always been my approach to emotions.”
He pauses, takes a deep breath to ground himself and then continues.
“The second confession, is that the reason I wanted to stay away from you, was that I was afraid that the feelings that were bubbling up in me every time I so much as looked in your direction, were threatening to become something that I could not turn back from. I knew I was falling in love, so quickly, even when I kept you at a safe distance. I knew if I allowed you to get close, that would be the end for me. There would be no turning back. And I was scared. But I am not anymore. Even if you don’t love me back, and I don’t blame you, I am not afraid anymore. I like myself more, in this version, where I love you freely. And I am content with that. So, yeah! I love you.”
Kyungsoo was smiling this shy smile, as he lay his heart bare in front of Baekhyun. His face was glowing, and he looked at peace. Baekhyun had never seen him look more beautiful.
Baekhyun couldn’t help himself, he leaned in and kissed Kyungsoo with a tenderness that left Kyungsoo breathless. He hands cradled Kyungsoo’s face, and he slowly dragged his lips over Kyungsoo’s. Their breaths mingled and Baekhyun just continued to savour the feeling of Kyungsoo’s lips against his. He didn’t deepen the kiss, just continued to worship those lips that he had dreamt about. He pulls back and his eyes roam across Kyungsoo’s face. He smiles with so much joy that Kyungsoo forgets to breathe for a second. Then he dives back in again.
Many hours later, Baekhyun is lying on his back on the bed with Kyungsoo’s head rested on his chest. Every so often Baekhyun pecks Kyungsoo’s head and leans back smiling.
‘Why do you keep doing that,’ Kyungsoo shyly asks, his cheeks so warm at every gesture of affection Baekhyun is showering on him. He had never blushed so much in his life. In fact, he had never blushed before. But now even Baekhyun’s gaze is making his heart beat faster, his cheeks burn, the tips of his ears redder than strawberries, making him want to hide his face into the warmth of Baekhyun’s chest, never to see the light of day again.
Baekhyun just answers very simply, “Because I can.”
Kyungsoo raises his head to look up at Baekhyun questioningly, at the answering smile he blushes again, and his face finds its cushion in Baekhyun’s chest again.
“I spent so long wanting you and believing I can never have you. This feels surreal to me. Like paradise, like heaven. Like everything I have ever wanted and dreamed of, but like nothing I have ever dreamed of at the same time. It is everything and more. Thank you for making me so happy Kyungsoo.”
“So, I am going to assume that the answer to my question was – Yes, your drunken self does love me. It only took you like 5 hours to answer,” Kyungsoo jokes.
“My drunken self loves you as do all my other selves. In every mood, in every situation, in every state, in every dream I have loved you and continue to love you.”
Kyungsoo looks at Baekhyun in awe. That despite the way he behaved toward Baekhyun, he still loved him without restraint. Regret bubbles up once more, “I’m sorry Baekhyun, I “
“Shh,” Baekyun says, placing a finger on Kyungsoo’s lips. “It isn’t like I didn’t commit my fair share of mistakes and blunders that worsened our relationship. But if it makes you feel better, you have the rest of quarantine to make it up to me and then we are even. So - we need to watch Death Note now. No excuses. The genre is right up your alley, my little Satansoo.”
Baekhyun yelps when Kyungsoo pokes him and they dissolve into a fit of giggles.
Giggles - The OST for the next chapter in their lives.