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The Performer
I loved standing in the wings during our solo portions of our tours.
I loved hearing Jinki’s voice booming across the stadium, seeing Minho’s eyes light up as he had the stage all to himself. Taemin was so captivating, and then there was Jonghyun. Jonghyun went out, clad in a mint colored suit, being swallowed by pearl aqua ocean ahead of him, and demanded the attention of the audience.
A few bars of “la la la..” and they were in the palm of his hand. His eyes shined in the light of the spotlights, now all on him. He waved his hands and the sea of lightsticks followed his every command as if he was the conductor of their hundred thousand piece orchestra.
Once he got to the middle of the stage, he flipped his microphone in his hand and the feedback boomed through the speaker. This was how he liked to let everyone know his mic was on. He didn’t lipsync, even when he had the opportunity.
Then magic happened. He would sing like it was his last performance and he wanted to go out with a bang every time.
I was always so smitten and captivated backstage, Minho would tap me and say “Yah, you’re drooling.” and I probably was.
Jonghyun in command of an audience this size in an arena this big with a voice that perfect was something to drool over.
He didn’t miss a step in his dancing. He didn’t miss a smile for the camera.
Kim Jonghyun was perfect.
Everything from the sweat glistening in the spotlight to his eye contact with the audience made me weak.
The five of us had our insecurities. I was afraid of what people might say to me going out in leather, carrying a whip. Minho was afraid no one would like his dance. Taemin, afraid he would mess up. Jinki, this being his first concert since his singing hiatus, was terrified all around.
Jonghyun oozed so much confidence that if he was afraid of anything up on that stage, you sure couldn’t tell.
He ended his performance with “Okay, next.” And Jinki prepared to take the stage after him. They high fived as they passed each other and Jonghyun took a sip of water as he unplugged his in-ears and watched Jinki’s performance next.
“You did amazing.” was all I could manage to say to him as he lowered his hand next to mine and stroked his pinky on the back of my hand for just he and I to see.
The Song-Writer
There were plenty of nights I woke up, looked at his spot in our bed and he wasn’t there.
There were plenty of nights I woke up and walked into our living room to find him sitting on the couch with pieces of paper surrounding him, the dogs sleeping on the floor and only his lamp on.
“It’s five in the morning.” I would tell him, trying to coax him to take a break.
“How does this sound?” Was all he would respond with. “Oh she is, I like your small eyes, the way you look at me. Oh she is, your slightly thick eyebrows, I like it like that.”
“I like it. Are you singing about someone special?” I asked him, causing him to blush in the darkness of the living room.
“Something like that. I just don’t know what should go next.” He hummed some more of the melody and I watched him as he tapped his pencil on the table to make the beat.
“Maybe you should sleep on it, babe. It’s late.” I started picking up the pieces of paper on the ground and putting them into a pile while he kept working.
I was always so smitten and captivated by the way his brain worked when it came to music. He could take one line and a guitar riff to make a whole story within minutes. Songs about love were typical of him, and easy for him to sell to the company. Sometimes he wrote about his sadness, and I was glad he used it as an outlet but sometimes he worried me.
“Let me out, I’m exhausted from this world.” was written fifteen times on a sheet of paper, I picked up in the pile of papers on the floor.
“Hey jjong.. What’s this?” I asked cautiously, straightening out the piece of paper and sitting it next to him.
“Just something I’m working on.” He would respond and hum again, clearly avoiding the subject. I closed my eyes and sighed.
“Do you want to talk about it?” My eyes were getting teary because Jonghyun scared me sometimes. When our eyes connected, he could see the sadness within mine.
“Baby… look, let’s go to bed. We can talk about it later. I can finish this later.” He grabbed my waist, and led me into the bedroom, placing kisses on my forehead and temples.
Those were the easy nights.
There were plenty of other nights I woke up, looked at his spot in our bed and he wasn’t there.
There were plenty of other nights I woke up, walked to the living room and his shoes weren’t by the door, which means he wasn’t home. I would check the clock and groan.
I always told myself, “He’s an adult. He knows what he can handle.”
But I also always told myself this while putting on my coat and boots over my pajama pants. I always told myself this while I drove to the SM building in my car, and marched up to the front desk to scan my ID.
“He’s on the 4th floor.” Security would tell me, knowing we’ve done this time and time again.
I would get there and see him pushing some buttons on the computer, a melody filling the space. He was the only one here.
“Kim Jonghyun.” I would say firmly, tired of doing this with him, but knowing it was just how his beautiful mind worked.
“Kibummie, how does this sound?” He would ask, singing along to the melody and causing my legs to turn to gelatin as if I hadn’t heard him sing millions of times before. The rage in my body subsided for a small second in time.
“Do you know what time it is?”I asked him, grabbing his coat and taking it to him. “Why do you insist on driving me crazy. You know we have group schedules tomorrow and you’re not going to want to get out of bed.”
“I know, I was just going to finish this and go straight to group schedules. I need to get this done.” He would quip back, and I would be set ablaze.
“Get in the car.” I would tell him, hoping this wouldn’t turn into an argument.
“Goodnight, Kibum.” Was the last thing he said before he turned the music up and started singing over samples again, his angelic voice filling the empty space between us.
I slammed the door on my way out, just to make sure he knew I was angry.
I showed up the next morning with a coffee americano and some clean clothes for him.
Those were the hard nights.
The Charmer
Dating an idol is never easy. First, it has to be a secret. Even if we weren’t both men, it would still have to be a secret. With us being in the same group, dating and both being men, it was like a quadruple secret, which was fine with me. It made our relationship less complicated without so many eyes in it. Of course the members knew, some of management knew, and let us know that as long as it never got out into the world, it was fine. My parents and grandmother knew. His mother and sister knew. We shared an apartment, lovers in the night but roommates to the rest of the world.
Because no one knew, I had a few times where jealousy tended to get the best of me. Interviews and idol programs were always where people would try it with Jonghyun, and sometimes it hurt to watch him play the part.
“So Jonghyun, which female idol would you date?” The interviewer asked. She made her way down the line. She asked Taemin, Minho and now Jonghyun, Jinki and I were next. I rolled my eyes when she got to Jonghyun, then I remembered we were on TV, so I laughed to cover it up.
“Haha, I wouldn’t date anyone. I don’t have the time.” Jonghyun chuckled, making eye contact with the interviewer and smiling his signature smile. An answer we’d rehearsed millions of times.
“Come on, there has to be someone.” The female MC pushed on, causing me to grit my teeth a bit. I knew it was part of the game, that Jonghyun would have to name someone for the drama to create buzz for Shinee, but I always wanted him to say my name.
“Maybe you instead. What are you doing after this?” Jonghyun said to her with a wink and the MC practically fainted.
“You’re very smooth.” She grinned and fanned herself as the rest of the members laughed at Jonghyun’s antics. I didn’t find anything funny. Jinki, sitting to my right cleared his throat silently enough for me to hear it. This was his signal that I needed to drop my attitude, so I faked a laugh as well.
As we left the interview, there were fans waiting outside in the rain for us. So we waved at them, and told them to go inside their cars before they got sick. Jonghyun stopped and took some selcas with a few of them, making V shapes with his hands and cute faces with some of the fans. His black hair sticking to his skin and the water rushing down, causing his white T-shirt to be see-through.
“Oppa, go! You will get sick, I can see your chest!” One of the girls said after she got his picture.
“No, no, you go! You will get sick. I care about Shinee world too much, go inside now!” He replied, while the rest of us climbed into the van waiting at the end of the sidewalk for us.
Jonghyun continued to smile and flirt with the fans. The squeals and screams could be heard across the city. One of them reached up and touched his hair, moving it out of his face for him for their picture. He smiled and thanked her, and she began to squeal a bit as well.
I was watching this happen through the window of the van and I was seething.
“Hyung is so funny. The girls really like him.” Taemin said out loud and the rest of the group chuckled.
Jinki looked at me, “You know what you’re dealing with. He has to play the role.” He whispered to me and let me lean my head on his shoulder for comfort.
Jonghyun finally joined the group in the van and apologized. Everyone told him it was fine, I didn’t tell him anything.
The van pulled off, and the rest of the guys told jokes and talked about what we were doing later, however I put my headphones in. The attitude was just too hard to drop today.
“Bum-ah.” Jonghyun tapped my shoulder. Irritated, I snatched out my headphone and looked at him.
I did not speak, but raised my eyebrow at him, signaling a simple “What do you want?”
“Didn’t you hear? We’re going to grab lunch. What do you want to eat?” He asked me, and I felt my blood boiling.
“Do you have time to eat with us? Or do you have a date tonight with that host?” I snapped, and all the chatter in the car fell silent.
“You cannot be serious.” Jonghyun scoffed, appalled I would act like this. Truthfully, I was appalled too. It was common for Jonghyun to act like this, I wasn’t sure why I was so torn up about it, but I was.
I’d made things awkward, and now nobody was laughing and nobody was joking. The rest of the car ride was silent and I felt bad for flipping out like that, but Jonghyun still reached down and held my hand as he closed his eyes to rest until lunch.
The Gloomy
Some days I had schedules before Jonghyun, It was pretty widely known that Jonghyun would stay up late working and would miss morning schedules, so most of his, if any, would take place later in the day.
Usually when my schedules were ending, his were just beginning, but rarely would I get home and he would still be there. Today I walked in and his shoes were still at the door. Assuming he’d just worn another pair, I walked into the kitchen, washed my hands and began looking for something to cook for dinner. I remembered my grandmother giving me a recipe book. It was on my nightstand in our bedroom, so when walking to get it, I noticed Jonghyun was still asleep.
“Hey babe, what time are your schedules?” I asked gently, looking at the clock and seeing the time was 6PM, we normally didn’t have schedules this late. I began to put two and two together when he didn’t answer me. “Did you go to your schedules?” I nudged him and he shook my arm off.
I went over to him and leaned so my face was in front of his, kissing his nose. He turned away so his back was at my face instead.
“Just… leave me alone, Bum.” He mumbled, pulling the cover over his head. I noticed the wet stains on the pillow.
“Baby, what’s wrong? What happened?” I asked him, sitting on the foot of the bed.
“Kibum, just leave me alone.” He snapped and I understood. I kissed his hair, grabbed the cookbook and walked out to finish making dinner.
“Jjong, are you hungry?” I yelled into the room, throwing the dogs a piece of meat on the way to the room. Jonghyun did not respond, so I stepped inside.
“Babe… I asked if you were hungry.” I asked again, and still no response. I shook his shoulder.
“Not hungry.” Was all he managed to utter out before turning away from me again.
I was beginning to get frustrated but then I remembered he gets like this sometimes, I just kissed his cheek, still wet and went to eat dinner alone at the table.
I climbed into bed shortly after, and pulled him close.
“I love you.” I said as I held him and drifted asleep. Not soon after I felt him get out of bed.
When I woke up the next morning he was gone.
“Hey, did Jonghyun have a schedule today?” I asked in our Shinee group chat, and everyone responded no.
“Hey, is Jonghyun there?” I asked on the phone with a manager, the manager responded no.
“Hey, did Jonghyun come over there last night?” I asked on the phone with Sodam, his sister. She also responded no.
I reassured everyone that he was fine, which I didn’t know if it was true or not, but I didn’t want anyone to panic just yet.
Sometimes Jonghyun is just sad out of nowhere. Sometimes this goes on for days or weeks. He gets up to go to the bathroom and that’s it, he sleeps the rest of the day. Practices and radio interviews get canceled because he doesn’t show. Management gets pissed, the rest of the guys get pissed, and then I have to defend him, telling people he just isn’t well.
Sometimes he’s sad. Sometimes he’s angry. Sometimes he doesn’t want to be around me or anyone else. Sometimes he paces around for hours and I don’t know how to help him. I struggle getting him to change his clothes, shower or even eat for that matter. Sometimes I hug him, when he lets me, other times I just sit bottled water by the bed and leave him alone.
Sometimes he goes missing and no one knows where he is. At one point I shared his location on his phone so I wouldn’t have to look for him too hard, but he got upset with me, and told me he’s an idol and that’s dangerous if someone gets a hold of it.
So now when he’s missing, I check the studio, the SM building, his mom’s house, I check another member’s house, I check the manager’s house, I check the gym, I check his car, I check anywhere in our neighborhood- playgrounds, picnic areas, benches. Sometimes I find him there, sometimes I don’t.
Today, I’d been running around all day looking for him and I began to suspect the worst and panic. I was going to call the police and put out a missing person’s report and tell the staff he was gone. First, I went on twitter and instagram, checking the hashtag with his name to see if anyone saw him today. I refreshed the page every couple seconds.
A new video popped up of him in sweats and a hoodie walking into a school. Children were playing all around and some girls were squealing behind the camera. I screenshotted the video with the name of the school and got into my car, placing it in my GPS.
When I arrived, Jonghyun was sitting in a room full of guitars and a little boy, no older than 10 years old, sitting next to him.
I stood in the doorway of the classroom. Jonghyun had not seen me, he was focused. I smiled, seeing how cute he was with this kid. The boy was holding a wooden guitar, a bit too big for his little body. His arms stretched wide across the instrument, causing his balance to be off a bit. The boy looked at jonghyun as if he were SuperMan, intently taking note of all of the things Jonghyun was telling him to do.
“Okay, you’re getting it. Just put your fingers here and strum the chord. Ready? One, two, three…” Jonghyun said to the boy, who did as he said and strummed the chords of the guitar in his hand.
“Sounds good.” I said and Jonghyun and the boy both snapped their heads in my direction.
“Bummie! Hey, Junwoo, this is–” Jonghyun smiled bright and I felt my heart rate speed up.
“Key! Hi!” Junwoo shouted. I greeted Jungwoo, and sat while Jonghyun finished his teaching.
When they finished Jungwoo went home, and Jonghyun and I were the only ones in the dark school hall as the teachers worked hard to clear the screaming girls from the front of the school. I finally let the tears come to my eyes.
“You scare me every time you disappear like this. I’m so glad you’re okay.” I hugged him tight and he held me close, but not too long because we were still in public.
“I’m sorry. I just… I’m not well. I didn’t like myself. I just needed to come back here.” Jonghyun mumbled as we took steps down the hall. A heavy silence fell between us.
“Where are we?” I asked, choosing not to talk about the hell I’d been through trying to find him and save his ass today, scared it will make him feel bad again.
“My primary school. This is where I learned to play bass. So I come back once a month and teach a kid how to play. Keep the music alive, ya know?”
Jonghyun and I had been dating for years, and I had no idea he did this. I smiled at him and said “I’m just happy you’re okay.” Once we got to my car, he climbed inside and pushed play on the radio. Nothing else was said for the rest of the ride, but he held my hand the whole time.
The Blue Night Host
I went out with some friends one night, we had dinner and drinks. When I arrived home, late, Jonghyun was not there. Just a note on the table that said “Blue night tonight, don’t wait up. I love you.” I smiled and put the note down. I would never let him know I kept the notes he left.
He’s a creature of the night, Kim Jonghyun. When the rest of the world is falling asleep he decided to host a radio show.
“Is there anyone out there, from our Blue Night family, that is crying alone tonight? Not crying out of pity for something or someone, but instead because they cannot help asking why they are living in the way that they are? Is there anyone that is feeling sentimental or guilty, needlessly? Don't be like that.” He would say through the radio effortlessly, as if he didn’t have his own issues, his own problems with his mental health. The words flowed from his mouth so easily.
One thing I loved about him is he was always tried to help people because he knew what he was going through and never wanted anyone to feel that way.
It seemed to help him, he would come home happy after blue night.
I turned the radio up and his soft voice filled the apartment on the side of the bed as I prepared for bed. I would never let him know I listened to Blue Night every night. He tells me not to listen, that it makes him nervous, so I do it in secret, and blush when he talks about love because I know he’s talking about me.
“Finding out you like someone is kind of like floating or being tickled. It’s such a nice feeling, romantic or otherwise” He would say, and then he would introduce the guest for the night.
They would ramble about all sorts of things. Music was his favorite thing to talk about with anyone who would entertain it and listen to his rambles, never organized but always making sense.
A few hours passed and I heard the scurry of the dogs, greeting Jonghyun at the door.
“Ssh!” He whispered to them, and I laughed.
“Bummie, you’re still awake? I told you not to wait up for me, it’s late.” He admonished me, removing his jacket in the door frame of our bedroom. He was glowing in the darkness of the night, and I just wanted to attack him right there with hugs and kisses.
“If I went to sleep, who would greet JjongD when he got home and tell him how well he did today?” I asked him, fighting my urges to attack him, I simply stood up and walked toward him cooly. I was wearing one of his expensive oversized T-shirts to bed and my underwear. It clinging to my thin frame, hanging in all the right places and exposing my shoulder when I stood.
Jonghyun wrapped his arms around my waist and kissed the patch of exposed skin. We stood like that for a moment, embracing the peace of the moment we were in. He smelled like coffee and cigarettes, but sweet at the same time.
“I missed you.” He broke the silence between us, placing another kiss on my shoulder, lingering this time.
“Come to bed, okay?” I told him and he watched me saunter to the bed. He licked his lips as I looked back. He quickly went to the bathroom to wash up and change into the pajamas he knew wouldn't stay on for long.
As he joined me in bed, he began kissing my neck, I pushed him away and our eyes connected. “You always tell everyone that they’re doing well and they aren’t alone when you host Blue Night, but I want you to know it about yourself too, okay?” I told him, my hands on his chest. He began kissing my neck again, his hands on my waist, pulling our bodies closer together. I pushed him away again.
“Jonghyun, I’m serious.” I firmly said this time. He stopped and looked at me and smiled.
“Thank you, really. I need to hear it sometimes too.” He sealed his sentence with a passionate kiss to the lips. I smiled through the kiss and allowed him to do with me as he wished.
The Lover
My favorite Kim Jonghyun was the one who belonged to me.
The one who held my hand when I had a rough day.
The one who knew I got jealous and petty, but loved me anyway.
“Do you have a schedule on Friday?” He asked me in the darkness of our room. Our legs were tangled together and my head rested on his bare chest as I drew circles around the purple spots I left during our escapades that night.
“No, why?” I asked.
“I was wondering if I could take you out on a date?” He smiled at me and I rolled my eyes because he could be cheesy sometimes.
“I don’t know, I have to ask my boyfriend if that’s okay.” I joked, and he bit my shoulder in response to my playfulness.
“Okay, well you let me know what your boyfriend says. I’ll pick you up at 7 if it’s okay with him.” He played along and I nodded. There was a forehead kiss and we drifted off to sleep for the night, wrapped in each other with no desire to detangle.
Friday rolled around, and I dressed casually in a large knit sweater, jeans and boots. Anything too flashy, would alert the fans, which is part of the reason Jonghyun and I rarely went on dates, even if we had been dating for years. As I got dressed, I wondered if he had taken everything into consideration. Was the date somewhere private where no one would see us? Would it be fine if they did? How would fans react if they saw us out together?
I heard a knock at the door and I wondered who would be knocking at this hour when I was leaving so soon. I opened the door and Jonghyun stood there with a hand hiding something behind his back.
“You have a key. You live here, ya know?” I laughed at him and looked him up and down. He was wearing a white cashmere sweater, dark jeans, chelsea boots and a big hat that fit his face well. He looked very coffee-shop boy charming. I felt butterflies in the pit of my stomach as he pulled his hand from behind his back to reveal a bouquet of roses.
“I’m here to pick you up for our date. These are for you.” Jonghyun smiled and I took the roses and blushed a bit, I invited him in and he stood by the door as if this wasn’t his home too. I decided to humor his game a bit.
“I’ll be ready in a few, let me grab my keys and a jacket.” I scurried off to our bedroom and checked my outfit again, finding it strange that I was nervous to go on a date with my boyfriend.
We got outside and Jonghyun’s Lamborghini was parked on the street outside of our apartment. It glistened in the moonlight brightly. He stepped to the passenger side and opened the door for me. I thanked him and climbed inside. I hated this car. He drove it like he was insane. I put on my seatbelt and braced myself, but when he got in on the driver’s side, he drove slow and I know it was killing him inside to do so, but he did it for me.
“Where are we going?” I asked him, placing my hand on his leg as he drove, craving some sort of touch from him while he looked this good and took such good care of me in the death trap that was his car.
“Dinner.” Was all he said, then he asked about my day. I told him it was okay, I spent a lot of the day preparing for tonight, I cleaned, took the dogs out and had a talk with our tour manager about some fashion stuff. He asked me questions about the fashion stuff, and asked me to explain it to him. That made me feel nice, because he’s never really seemed interested in it before. He let me babble and listened super closely to everything I was saying about fabric and matching colors and skin tone arrangements.
Then we arrived at a restaurant. I gulped, wondering how we were going to pull this off. I started to open the door but he stopped me, and walked around from the driver’s side to open the door for me again. I climbed out and told him thank you. He was making me blush like a school girl tonight. He opened the restaurant door and it was empty inside. A few servers were waiting around but it was a Friday night and no one was in this restaurant. The lighting was low and there were artificial and real candles lit all over the place, making it a very romantic atmosphere.
“Jonghyun, welcome. Right this way.” A server said, leading us to the table by the window in the back. It overlooked the Han river and the moon was reflected on top. It was full tonight.
“Thank you. Can you bring the wine please?” Jonghyun asked the server, and he nodded and scurried off, bringing back two wine glasses and a bottle of wine that looked rather expensive. “The main dish will be out shortly, Mr. Kim.” The waiter left Jonghyun and I to each other.
“Jonghyun, no one is here?” I was still shocked at how beautiful it was.
“I rented it out. I wanted to take you out. No fans, no fame, just us.” The beat in my heart could be heard across the street. I wanted to kiss him here, but I settled for touching my leg to his under the table.
The date was amazing. The waiters brought out pasta, my favorite and Jonghyun and I ate with our mouths full. We talked about things we haven’t talked about since we started dating years ago. He asked about my dreams when I first started signing, and if they’ve changed now that I’ve been in the business a while. We talked about plans for a family, and if we ever wanted to retire. Jonghyun did, I did not. We talked about phases of the moon, how it goes from full to half to crescent to waning gibbous. I told Jonghyun I’d never heard the term waning gibbous before. He was so smart. We argued about music, and he told me I didn’t have any taste, but it was all in good fun. No matter what we talked about over pasta and countless glasses of wine, one thing was clear; I loved this man and I was in love, truly madly deeply in love with him.
When dinner was over, he asked if I wanted to take a walk, but I told him I had a great time, and I was ready to go home. I had other plans, and they were urgent.
We drove home, a little buzzed, and singing the songs on the radio at full volume. Jonghyun still made sure to drive slow so he wouldn’t scare me in his car, and it was very nice of him to do so.
He walked up the stairs and into our apartment hall. We stopped at the door and I fumbled looking for the keys.
Jonghyun took my hands, “I had a great time tonight.” He said shyly. “Can I kiss you goodnight?”
I cackled, and he looked up and smiled. “Yah, Kim Jonghyun why are you acting like this is our first date?” I asked him, my hands still in his. He simply laughed.
“I want every date with you to feel like the first one, so you don’t forget why you fell in love with me in the first place.” Jonghyun sheepishly admitted. My eyes were on his lips in that moment, and I pulled him in and touched my lips to his. Our lips danced in a synchronous rhythm and I was running out of breath, but If it meant I would have to stop kissing him to breathe, I didn’t need the air. Coming up for oxygen seemed like a burden as he wrapped his arms around my waist and I extended mine around his neck, but finally, we released.
“...do you.. Wanna come in?” I asked him, playing the game he was playing all night. He nodded and opened the door for me, leading me to the bedroom.
No matter who Kim Jonghyun was in the moment. I knew one thing was true. I loved him. All of him. Every last one of him, too.