Work Text:
On a beautiful spring morning sometime long ago, Xenophilius Lovegood had only one person on his mind: Irene Macmillan, soon to be (with a little luck) Irene Lovegood.
"Beautiful Irene!" Xeno called across the Great Hall with outstretched arms, almost falling out of his seat at the Ravenclaw table. The students nearby glared at him; it was seven o'clock on a Saturday morning and coffee was banned from Hogwarts for health-related reasons. Xeno paid them no mind. "Your knight in knople-cleaned armor is free to go to Hogsmeade with you, my lady!"
Irene, in all her feminine beauty and grace, yelled, "Bugger off, Lovegood!"
Xeno puffed his cheeks and attempted a cute pout. He heard it did wonders on the ladies. "Are you sure? We can go to Madam—"
He was cut off by something hard slamming down on his head. "Ouch," he muttered, turning to his best mate. "What was that for?"
Patrick put the book away, piled up sausage and eggs on his plate, then casually said, "That's not how you win a girl over."
"Like you've had more luck than I," Xeno muttered, staring at his unknowing, uninterested one true love.
Patrick grinned and proudly took a note out of his pocket. "I have, actually. Cynthia's agreed to go out with me."
"What did you do?"
"I wrote her a love letter..."
That evening, after finishing his homework and extracurricular research, Xeno sat down at one of the desks in his Ravenclaw dormitory with a blank sheet of parchment in front of him.
"Right," he cried, raising his quill in the air. "I can do this. For true love!"
Three hours later, Xeno was the last student awake in his dormitory and probably all of the Ravenclaw dormitories, and covered from fingertip to elbow in purple ink. Who knew writing love letters was so hard?
Dear Mrs. Lovegood seemed a bit formal, and Irene might mistake it for presumptuousness.
Dear Irene seemed a bit casual.
Dear Irene Macmillan seemed like he barely knew her at all, and only knew her by face.
Dear Miss Macmillan only reminded him that she wasn't his wife yet.
Dear My One True Love was a bit fanatic, according to Patrick. Xeno thought it described his affections perfectly, but perhaps Patrick was right.
Choosing her first name, he then tried,
Dear Irene,
I love you so much…
But Irene had scorned him when he said the same thing in person, so he decided not to reiterate it in a letter.
I love you like the knople loves the nargle…
Except Irene wouldn't understand, yet.
You're the most beautiful girl I've ever met.
But that sounded like he loved her only for her beauty.
"Oh, love," Xeno said with a sigh. "Why must you elude me so?"
He worked on his letter deep into the night, until his candle finally gave out and he fell asleep in the early morning.
He was awoken by Patrick's yell of, "Oi, loverboy!" and regular morning shuffling of the boys.
"What?" Xeno asked, yawning and stretching. He slipped the letter into his robes and checked the time. "Oh no, I'm late!"
"Hey, aren't you going to—" Patrick's voice faded as Xeno ran excitedly to the Great Hall.
On the way, he was greeted with a beautiful sight: Irene, stunning as always, was walking to the Great Hall without her friends. Xeno decided it was his lucky day. "Irene!" he called, rushing up to her and taking the letter out. "I have this for you."
"Oh, not again…" She looked up from her book and looked him over. "Are you okay? You looked more frazzled than usual." She took the letter from his outstretched hand.
"No, I just worked on this all night. It's perfect."
She sighed and opened it, quickly reading over it. Then, she looked up from the letter and glared. Xeno knew it from careful study as a very weak glare. "Your hands are covered in ink, along with your robes, your hair, and this letter. I can barely make out the words," she huffed. "You look more pitiful than usual, Lovegood."
There went his chance, Xeno thought. Would he ever get the girl of his dreams?
"But I might as well go out with you—"
"Really?"
"Once. Because you made all this effort and, well... I'm not promising more dates, or forever, of Merlin forbid, marriage."
"Yes!" Xeno cried.
"Are you listening to me?"
"You'll fall to the power of true love," he said with an assured nod, kissed her hand, and ran into the Great Hall to tell Patrick he was his willing slave for life.