Chapter Text
Kinuha ko ang last batch ng mga tuyong damo na nakuha ni Luke at isinilid ito sa lalagyan ng mga tuyong damo sa kuwadra. Nararamdaman ko na ang pagsakit ng aking mga braso buhat ng maghapong pagtatrabaho. Tinignan ko ang buong kuwadra at bumuntong-hininga dahil maayos na ang lahat dito.
Kinuha ko ang face towel na nakapulupot sa leeg ko at pinunasan ang pawis sa leeg at mukha ko.
Summers in the countryside have always felt like these, especially dito sa Pilipinas, yung para bang iniihaw ka sa grill.
“Kuya, sabi nga pala ni papa ayusin mo na daw yung fence ng bahay, para daw wala ng kumuha ng mga tinatanim ni mama na sili,” nakangisi na sabi ng kapatid kong si Luke
“My gagawin pa ako sa lungsod, Luke, simulan mo na, tutulungan na lang kita pagbalik ko alam mo naman kung paano yun gawin eh.”
Pinagpag ni Luke ang damit nya bago umupo sa sahig, “Okay, Kuys,”
"Zee and Bright are picking me up at seven."
My stomach does that churning thing it's been doing every time I think about my ten year class reunion.
Hindi pa naman ngayon yung reunion, pero kaming magbabarkada, maglalaro muna kami ng baseball, gaya ng gawain namin noon.
"You're leaving Natasha tonight?" gulat na tanong ni Luke.
"Buntis yon, hindi mamamatay, ikaw naman,”
Chineck ni Luke yung mga nakuha niyang gulay bago tumingin sa’kin, "Is he gonna be there?"
Nararamdaman ko na namang bumabaliktad yung tyan ko, na para bang binuhusan ako ng isang garapong asin.
The he my brother’s referring to ay ang nag-iisang rason para sa lahat ng reunion anxiety ko.
"Di ko alam, tsaka wala rin akong pakialam. Sure naman akong walang rason para bumalik pa siya dito sa atin, this town holds no lure for him to leave the big, fancy city."
Luke shakes his head, "Di pa rin ako makapaniwala, Kuya na umalis siya. Buong akala ko, Gulf always thought of this place as his home,"
That makes two of us.
Sometimes life takes a sharp left when you thought you were turning right.
My life was perfect. I had the guy with the prettiest brown eyes by my side and he loved me or so he said.
Then life got a little crazy.
The love of my life came to me all teary eyed, talking about an opportunity in New York. I kept my mouth shut kasi panatag at sigurado akong ako ang pipiliin niya over some job.
I mean, he had to know I loved him too. I didn't say it like he did, but I loved him more than three little words could really express.
Pero mali ako.
The guy I love got on a bus and never looked back.
Limang taon na ang nakaraan.
Life has pretty much sucked since then.
I press my hand over my aching stomach, but maybe the pain is a little higher, maybe it's right in the center of my chest. I've never wanted and not wanted something so badly.
Hindi ko maipagkakaila, seeing Gulf would be amazing, pero alam ko na muli na namang mabubuksan ang mga kinalimutan ko ng sugat.
I'm not sure I'll survive if he's here, but I'm also not sure I'll survive if he isn't.
"Well, if he’s here, siguraduhin mo lang na hindi malalaman ni Esmeralda, Diyos lang ang nakaka-alam kung anong magagawa at masasabi niya sa lalaking sinaktan ang puso ng anak niya" My younger brother is teasing me, but he's not wrong.
Mama Esmeralda was always so protective, no one is safe if they hurt someone she loves.
And the truth is, winasak ako ng pagkawala ni Gulf sa buhay ko. I didn't show it, but my mother knew. Mothers always knew.
Sabay kaming naglakad ni Luke pabalik sa bahay kasi may kukunin rin ako. Luke still lived kela Mama at Papa habang ako naman ay may sarili ng bahay, di kalayuan sa bahay nila.
I still spend most of my time in the family house. Mas masarap magluto si Mama kesa sakin at tsaka, hindi ako sanay na ako lang mag-isa.
Not to mention, my place makes me think about a certain guy I thought was going to live there with me.
Gulf and I used to sneak into my house and play house when we were in high school. And by play house I mean have sex.
We used to have a lot of sex in that house. I spent hours running my hands over his apricot skin, trying to memorize every curve and freckle. He had the softest skin, especially on the inside of his thighs. My fingers would glide back and forth, back and forth. It was hypnotic. He used to call me a tease.
I refuse to touch anyone else there. No one else could ever be as soft and I know I'd be disappointed.
I'm already disappointed enough. No one kisses like he used to. No one else can pull off that look of pure innocence while doing lots of dirty things with me. No one makes my heart beat right. No one fits. I play games. I get off. But it's never like Gulf.
Nakita ako ni Mama habang papaalis ako ng bahay, "Aalis ka ba, nak?"
"Yes, Ma, pupunta ako sa lungsod,”
"Kailangan ko pala ng mga mansanas. Gusto ni Papa mong kumain ng apple pie. Pero wag ka bumili don sa Grand Mall ah, malalaman ko yun, Mew.”
Tumawa lang ako ng mahina, "Yes, Ma. Oo, po, hindi sa Grand Mall, dun ako kay Aling Margie bibili,"
Our town finally moved into the 21st century nung nagkaroon kami ng sariling Metro Grand Mall last March. Nagkaroon ng isang engrandeng selebrasyon para sa opening.
The mayor cut a ribbon and everyone in town made sure to go.
Everyone except those of us with the last name Jongcheveevat. Pinigilan kami ni Mama at Papa, sabi nila corporate companies had no place in our town.
Naging sapat naman yung local market for the past thirty five years, why wouldn't it be good enough for the next thirty five?
Don’t get me wrong, our family is one of the richest in our town, we aren’t overly averse sa mga developments, especially considering we are moving into a highly urbanized town.
We own large parcels of land all over town at meron rin kamin mga real estate businesses sa city, pero always tinuro samin nila Mama to live life simply, kaya hangga’t makakaya, dapat mag-stick kami sa kung ano ang nakasanayan, para na rin kahit sa simpleng paraan, ma-preserve namin ang totoong ganda ng bayan namin.
I ride my pick-up truck and head down the dusty road, past the fields where our cattle graze and our horses run free. When I get to the stop sign a few miles down, I don't think about the house to the left.
I don't think about the guy who used to live there or how he used to ride his horse to our ranch.
I don't think about how many times we pulled my truck over and lay in the back, looking up at the moon and stars, talkin' about our hopes and dreams.
Nope. Ayokong isipin ang lahat ng yon.
Pagdating ko sa centro, pareho pa rin ang lahat. Andun pa rin ang Senyang’s Resto at ang barber shop. Habang ang palengke naman kung saan nandoon ang pwesto ni Aling Margie ay katabi lang ng bangko. Humanap ako ng parking spot na malapit lang at tsaka pinarada ang sasakyan.
Kumaway ako kay Tita Tukky, yung librarian nung nakita ko siya sa kabilang banda ng kalsada. Of course, seeing her reminds me of how that guy I'm not supposed to be thinking about used to volunteer at the library and would let me make out with him in the encyclopedia section, because let's be real, once the internet happened, no one ventured into the encyclopedia section.
Dumiretso na ako sa palengke para bumili ng inutos sa’kin na mansanas, bumili na rin ako ng kwek-kwek at tempura sa may labasan kasi nagugutom na ako, alas tres pa lang kasi.
Kumakain pa rin ako ng tempura, habang naglalakad pabalik sa sasakyan. That's when I see him.
Palabas siya ng Senyang’s Resto at sigurado ako sa puntong yon, I've forgotten how to breathe.
The guy who left five years ago is no longer a guy. He's now a man.
A breathtaking, mind-blowing man. He's got curves where they didn't exist before.
Naka-style na yung buhok niya at dahil doon mas nakikita na ang maganda niyang mukha. Gustong-gusto kong halikan yung buhok niya kahit noon pa man, I bet it would feel good to run my fingers through his hair, too.
He's in jean shorts and I can imagine those thighs and my fingers actually get fucking tingly just thinking about how it would feel to touch them.
That's when I see him.
Him would be the guy who follows him out the resto. Klarong-klaro na hindi siya taga-rito, para bang may giant sign sa noo niyang nagsasabing New Yorker.
Ang awkward niyang tingnan na nagsusuot ng straw hat, unang tingin pa lang, alam kong hindi siya sanay doon. He takes off the hat and places it on Gulf's head. Natabunan naman ng sumbrero ang mata ni Gulf sa liit ba naman ng ulo niya.
He laughs and naramdaman ko na naman nahulog ang puso ko sa daan, kasabay ng pagkahulog at pagkatapon ng tempura ko.
I realized at that moment the biggest mistake I made was giving another guy a chance to be the reason he smiled.
Tinignan ko sila habang kinuha nya yung sumbrero at umikot para harapin yung lalakeng kasama niya. Nilagay niya ulit ang sumbrero sa lalake, habang nag bend down naman yung isa para halikan si Gulf and that's when I've seen enough.
Umiwas akong tumingin sa direksyon nila at dumaan muna sa shop nila Joss para bilhin ang mga gamit kong kailangan.
He's here and didn't even bother to warn me. I guess he had his reasons – kagaya nung kasama niyang lalaki na hindi naman bagay magsuot ng straw hat.
Just when I think I'm going to throw up, tinawag ako ni Papa ni Joss.
"Uy, Mew! Rinig ko malapit na palang manganak si Natasha, ah."
"Ay, opo, tito. Baka isa po sa mga araw na ito," nakangiti kong sabi sa kanya.
"Exciting yan, ah. Sana ready ka na," he says with a wink.
"Di na nga ako makapaghintay, tito, eh."
"Mabuti yon, hijo, sige. Ikamusta mo ako sa mga magulang mo, ah."
I nod and promise to do so.
Nang lumabas ako sa shop, hindi ko na nakita sina Gulf at tsaka yung Mr. NYC nya.
Part of me wonders if I just made them up. Then the image of him putting his stupid lips on my Gulf’s perfect ones pops back in my head and I know I could never make that shit up.
Bumabaliktad na naman yung sikmura ko and I begin to wonder if one can live without a stomach.
I mean, na-survive ko nga yung limang taon na may iniindang broken heart, I bet I could live without a stomach.
Nagsimula na akong mag-drive pauwi at tinry kong walang ibang isipin kundi si Natasha. She might be the only thing keeping me from giving up completely.
She needs me and I can't let her down.
Binigay ko agad kay Mama yung apples na inutos niya, pero tinignan nya ako na para bang nangungusap kung meron bang problema.
She asks if I ran into any trouble. I say no since I didn't actually run into trouble, he was all the way on the other side of the street.
Hindi madaling papaniwalain si Mama, especially since hindi naman talaga ako naging 100% honest. She side-eyes me as she washes the apples.
"May nakita ka ba sa lungsod?"
I start to wonder if everyone knew he was here but me. There's no way Mama would have let me stumble upon what I saw though.
"Sabi ni Tito Way-ar, hi nga daw pala, Ma." Umiwas ako ng tingin sa kanya at tumingin sa bintana.
Somehow everything looks different now that I know Gulf's in town. His presence taints everything. I sigh long and exasperated.
Hindi na ba talaga ako makakamove-on mula sa kanya? Am I going to spend the rest of my life wondering why I wasn't good enough for him?
"Puntahan ko muna si Natasha, Ma, tsaka tutulungan ko si Luke na ayusin yung fence bago mag-hapunan,"sabi ko sa kanya.
Mom nods with a knowing, sad smile. She lets me go without an argument even though she's still suspicious.
She knows I'll talk about it if I want to talk about it. She also knows I'm never going to want to talk about it.
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"Ten years," makabuluhang sabi ni Zee habang tinitingnan namin ang paglubog ng araw.
“How in the hell have ten years gone by?"
"Well, simple lang, natapos yung taon, tas isa naman, tas isa pa, tsaka, yung pito rin.” My sarcasm is answered with a swift kick dito sa may bandang paa ko.
"Ay, gago!" I bend over and rub the spot he's just bruised for sure.
"Bro, I’m being serious." never naging seryoso si Zee. Hindi ko alam kung bakit naisipan niyang iisipin kong seryoso ba siya ngayon.
Inubos ko yung beer ko tsaka kumuha pa ng isa. Bright and Zee are my best friends from high-school at college. Nag-iba yung lanadas namin pagkatapos nun pero hindi natapos ang pagkakaibigan namin.
Nakatira pa rin si Zee dito pero may mga business siyang pinapatakbo sa Manila at sa States. Bumabalik lang sya rito kung gusto niyang lumanghap ng preskong hangin, which is, lately, padalas na rin.
Ako naman, pagkatapos ko sa college ay nag-aral rin ako ng Masters at PhD pero mas pinili kong dito mag-stay sa probinsya, well for obvious reasons at tsaka, hindi ko naman maiwan-iwan ang ranch. I also had some real estate ventures back in Manila pero pwede rin namang remotely lag ang pag-manage ko rito.
Nagchi-chill lang kami ng mga kaibigan ko sa likod ng pick-up malapit sa tambayan naming park habang hinihintay naming dumating yung iba.
Narinig kong pupunta sila Off, Joss, Tul, tsaka na rin sina Win and Saint at yung barkada nila. Ngunit, di ko pa narinig na binanggit yung pangalan niya. Thank God.
"Sabi ni Mama nagka-bangga daw sila ni Gulf kanina sa may pwesto ni Aling Margie," sabi ni Bright and poof, my relief is suddenly cut short.
I stare down at my feet and shrug my shoulders like this news means nothing to me.
"Lalo daw gumwapo si Gulf, sabi ni Mama. Balita niya, may kasama ring boyfriend. Lee ata yung pangalan or something like that."
Lee. Ang baduy ng pangalan ah, brand pa talaga ng damit. Generic naman.
Gulf and Lee. That sounds so … wrong.
"Guess he's been traveling a lot for work. Crazy, right? Little Gulf Kanawut, world traveler. You two were always attached at the hip, I didn't think he'd make it a week on his own."
I chug down the beer in my hand. I'm not sure if the alcohol is going to help this raging stomach disorder I'm suffering from or make it worse.
Binatukan naman ni Zee si Bright sa ulo na siyang ikinatanggal ng baseball hat niya.
"Bright Vachirawit! Gago, nauntog ka ba madalas nung bata ka pa, pre?"
"Huh, bakit?” Tanong ni Bright, walang kaalam-alam.
"Hindi natin siya dapat pinag-uusapan. We don't talk about him EVER, gago."
Bright gets defensive quickly.
"Dude, it's been like five years. Hindi ba natin siya pwede pag-usapan five years after silang nagbreak? Bro, halos lahat na ata ng nagkakagusto kay Mew nadala niya na sa kama since Gulf left. I thought nakamove-on na siya kay Gulf."
For the record, hindi lahat ng nagkakagusto sa’kin ay dinala ko sa kama. I just don't date anyone more than a couple times.
Kaya naiisip ng iba na marami na akong naging ex. No one sees me with the same person more than once or twice.
Naputol yung usapan namin nang dumating ang iba pa naming mga kasama para sa pre-baseball game namin. Walang masyadong ilaw dito kaya’t naisipan namin magpark ng mga sasakyan namin behind sa baseball home plate at gamitin ang headlights para mas lumiwanag.
Suddenly ten years feels like a strange combination of yesterday and a lifetime ago.
People pile out of every vehicle. Some of them are exactly the same.
Win and Saint tackle hugs me before approaching Bright and Zee habang yung isa pa naming kaibigan, Joss, was dressed like he's here to play professional baseball.
Gun still has that annoying laugh and Off brought enough alcohol to get the entire town wasted.
Nagkamustahan muna ang lahat tsaka na-introduce rin ako sa kanilang mga asawa at mga kasintahan.
Sa pinaka likod ng mga grupo ng sasakyan, nakita ko ang itim na Mercedes.
As a matter of fact, isa lang ang kilala pretentious douche sa lugar na ito ang maglalakas-loob na mag-renta ng Mercedes.
Si Lee.
Lumabas si Gulf sa passenger side at agad namang tumakbo sina Win, Saint, and Gun sa kanya. They were the closest nung nag-aaral pa kami.
Winelcome na sya’t niyakap, but his eyes are locked on yours truly.
The knots in my stomach are tied so tight, I almost double over.
Nakabrush-up ang buhok niya ngayon at nakasuot siya ng blue Rangers jersey at pinalitan niya rin yung shorts nya ng jogger pants, but still my fingers still ache to touch him.
That is until Lee opens his door and joins the rest of us.
As far as I’m concerned, hindi siya welcome dito and I plan on hating him for no reason except that he has what I had. That seems like a perfectly good reason to hate someone.
Alam kong hindi niya naman inagaw si Gulf sakin, baka nga hindi nya rin alam na merong kami before nagkaroon ng sila, but that doesn't change anything in my book. He'll always be mine.
I'm just not his.
Gulf's eyes are what stole my heart when we were ten years old.
He has these huge, brown eyes that are framed by lashes that look like they could catch you if you got too close. They're like two chocolate brown venus fly traps, waiting to capture and suck the life out of you.
I try not to think about the way he used to tell me he loved me when I was inside of him.
Or how I'd steal kisses habang gumagawa kami ng homework sa bahay namin.
I push aside the thoughts of him sitting in the back of my pickup truck with his ankles crossed and legs swinging back and forth like the sexiest clock pendulum habang gumagawa ako ng trabaho sa ranch.
As soon as I was done, he'd open those legs up and let me fit in between, then he'd reward my hard work with a kiss I felt from my lips to my toes.
Sinubukan kong hindi isipin ang lahat ng yon habang inaayos niya ang camera bag niya at humakbang papalapit.
Gustong-gusto ni Gulf kumuha ng mga litrato. He's so good at paying attention to the world around him and enjoys it much more than being the center of attention.
Nagtrabaho rin siya sa local newspaper namin dito at siya rin yung kumukuha ng pictures ni Luke noon when he rode at the rodeo.
Shots so great that one of the pictures got picked up by a national magazine.
That led to a phone call from some magazine who wanted him to come work for them.
In New York.
The rest is history.
And it all leads to this moment.
Kung saan ipapakilala niya ako sa lalaking may hawak na ng puso nya and who probably knows all his secrets now.
When I have to shake the hand of the man who gets to place that hand over Gulf’s heart, touch his hair, feel the softness of his thighs, nagfocus ako sa kung ano ang sinasabi ni Min sa akin, but all I can do is watch Gulf come closer.
My stomach threatens to return all the beer I drank to where it came from. I don't know how I'm going to survive this.