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If I was just a lie to you
Well you were less than that to me
Never loved you a little
How could Biana do this to her?
They were best friends. Or at least, Marella thinks they were. She doesn't really know what to believe, anymore, about the years of childish, naive trust they'd built in one another. Maybe Marella was just a game to aer. A lonely girl ae took pity on. Maybe "you're my best friend" was a lie. She doesn't know. She doesn't even care, does she? Why would she care what Biana Vacker thinks of her? She hates aer, anyway.
Back then, she thought she loved Biana, but the person she fell for was built on lies. She never loved Biana, not really.
Bit by bit
You built this all in your head
Once upon a time, this was a fairy tale.
Once upon a time, once upon a time. Once upon a time, Marella was visiting her mother's stall in Mysterium, and she was so, so bored. Bored enough that she immediately started a conversation with the first person her age she saw. And that person happened to be Biana Vacker, walking with aer father to Cyrah Endal's stall with the hair ribbons. Biana looked like a princess, frills of the pink dress swishing against aer calves and a half smile across aer face. Marella bounced across the floor trying to approach aer.
"Hi!"
Biana waved, and opened aer mouth, but first aer father said "Biana, which bow would you like?" Ae held up one in each hand, one purple and one green, and frowned at them both.
"I bet you would look so pretty with the purple," Marella offered. Ae nodded and put it in. "I was right! You look super pretty!"
Aer half smile turned full. "Thanks! Do you want one?" She surveyed the options and grabbed a ribbon, rainbow and shimmering. "Good choice," Biana said, and then they were friends. She thought.
And you knew goddamn well
Lays like these
They lean miss more than swing
"I made you something!" Biana exclaimed, a few months after they first became friends. Marella's mother had been having a bad week, and by extension, Marella had been having a bad week, opting to be with Biana as often as possible to escape the chaos of her own house. It wasn't that Biana wasn't chaotic, but ae was the good kind of chaos. The butterflies in her stomach, laughing until her throat hurt kind of chaos.
"Is it food?" Marella asked.
Biana shook aer head. "It's not food."
"Why are we even friends, Bi?"
"Don't worry, I think you'll like it anyway." Biana brought a hand out from behind aer back and opened aer palm to the ceiling. A knotted strand of string draped over it- reds and oranges and pinks and whites. Marella couldn't remember having told aer that red was her favorite color. Had she, and then forgotten? Or was this just a lucky guess, Biana knowing her well. "Do you like it?"
"Yeah, it looks cool!"
Biana's cheeks pinked and ae looked down. "It's a friendship bracelet. Because you're my best friend."
"You're my best friend too," said Marella, letting aer tie the string around her wrist. The next week, she gave Biana a bracelet with pink and purple and blue. For years, neither one took their bracelet off. Somehow she had developed a subconscious habit of twisting at the knots when she was scared. If her best friend wasn't by her side, this was the next best thing, wasn't it?
The next day at school, Biana's wrist is bare.
Marella throws her bracelet in the garbage when she gets home.
And what made you think that
What we had was love not
Meaningless and
Remembering the joy hurt. So she reminds herself of the pain, of how Biana was never really her friend. Never really cared about her. Every single second they spent, side by side, meant nothing. Ae only ever said one honest thing to Marella, and it was the last thing.
"Just go away, Marella, everything will be better if you just! Go! Away!"
If I'm the fool
What's that make you?
If Biana's life is oh-so-much better without Marella, why hadn't ae just gotten rid of her sooner? It was cruel to keep her around for that long, and it was stupid.
Biana is cruel, and Biana is stupid, and Biana is not the friend she'd fallen in love with.
The friend she'd fallen in love with doesn't exist.
Don't tell me why (Don't tell me)
You can't sleep at night (You can't sleep)
Biana always has dark circles under aer eyes, now. Marella knows she does too. She stays up all night combing through ever aspect of their so-called friendship, searching for the moment it went wrong, signs she missed that Biana had been horrible all along. Maybe, maybe searching for a sign that Biana had cared, at least a little bit, at least once upon a time.
She wonders what Biana stays up all night thinking about.
Maybe ae feels guilty.
If ae does, it's too late.
I know now I won't answer
(I know now, I know now)
(I won't ever do this again)
She can't stop checking her imparter. It's never more than a few minutes before her hand is reaching out for it, stubborn tears pricking at her eyes when she doesn't have any messages. Biana wouldn't be calling, her of course, and she knows this logically. Ae'd said everything would be better if Marella stayed away, with a conviction in aer voice she rarely heard. Biana knew what ae was saying. Ae knew full well, and that wasn't the kind of decision that ae would go back on easily.
Marella knows Biana would never call her, and yet...
She looks at the imparter screen again.
Zero messages.
For a moment, she allows herself to wonder; what would she even do if Biana does call? What, exactly, is the protocol for this? Would Marella start screaming? Start crying? Demand an apology, or forgive aer the second she hears aer voice? When it comes to Biana Vacker, navigating feelings is a minefield. Unpredictable. Dangerous. What would Marella do if ae calls? It's a question that will never get answered, she supposed.
Because Biana won't call.
And Marella won't answer.
Biana won't apologize, and Marella won't accept an apology.
Biana doesn't love her, and Marella knows better than to trust aer again.
If I was just a lie to you
Well you were less than that to me
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
If Biana wants to hate her? Fine! That's fine. Marella will hate aer right back, and she will do it better. Because she's no stranger to hate, and no stranger to anger, and no stranger to fire. Marella loves to scream and punch and burn. To destroy. That was what she does, and she does it well.
Biana doesn't destroy things. (Doesn't destroy things other than Marella.) Biana keeps things alive. Biana has a collection of plants all over aer desk and windowsill, and Marella is sure they should have died by now, but they thrive. Biana once found a bird on the ground with an injured wing and took care of it until it could fly again.
When she was ten, Marella started a fight with a boy at her school because he said her hair looked stupid. When ae was ten, Biana wrapped a bandage around the result of that fight.
Marella has many talents, and hating Biana is her specialty.
Tell me who you were falling for
When we were lying on the floor
Never loved you a little
There had been moments, where Marella had hoped... hoped that she meant something to aer. Really meant something. That it meant something when they were doing homework together, and she looked up to see Biana staring at her and not aer textbooks. That it meant something when they were walking to class and Marella took aer hand in hers, and Biana laced their fingers together. That it meant something when Biana collapsed into Marella, crying that Alden would hate aer for not being good enough. And Marella told aer that ae was good enough, that ae was incredible.
And Biana said "You're incredible too."
And then Biana kissed her on the forehead, and she allowed herself to hope.
And then they played truth or dare with aer brother and some of his friends. And Biana's eyes stayed fixed on Keefe. And he was dared to kiss aer on the cheek. And ae turned aer head so that he caught the corner of aer mouth. Of course ae liked Keefe. Of course ae didn't like her. Why would ae?
It was stupid to think they meant... something.
Try not to think of me at all
When you're lonely and exposed
Biana has new friends now, and Marella tries to pretend she isn't jealous. Isn't jealous at all, isn't letting bitterness seep through her veins. Isn't staring daggers at Maruca in the cafeteria, plate of food forgotten.
Aer friendship with Maruca looks... different. Maybe this is the one that's real, and everything with Marella was just an act. But whatever it was, her memories of aer stand in sharp contrast to aer reality. Marella watches them all through lunch, and they don't touch once. None of the brushing shoulders and fixing hair that had gone on when Marella was aer friend. She shivers, the ghost of Biana's skin still far too familiar.
That afternoon, on her way to pick up an elixir for her mother, she sees Biana hugging aer knees on the floor beside Elwin's office. Aer shoulders shake, like ae's crying. If they fit together like they used to, Marella would have hugged aer close, stroking fingers through aer curls. She doesn't. Maruca doesn't offer comfort either; she's nowhere to be found.
Biana's alone.
If ae wanted comfort, maybe ae shouldn't have left.
Marella walks past aer without saying a word.
All I really know is
Tales like these
Tragically end badly
They were doomed from the start, and they both knew it. The loud, angry girl who couldn't keep her mouth shut and hated the world some days. The poised princess with a father who never let aer be anything less than perfect, while Marella was the furthest thing from perfect.
Being friends with Biana had felt like flying. Maybe all along they were just falling, falling, falling.
Marella didn't want to know what would happen when they hit the ground.
But they did. They hit the ground. Biana stood up in one piece. Ae took a look at Marella, battered and bleeding from the impact. Then ae turned around and walked away, not a scratch on aer flawless skin. Ae left. And Marella had to piece herself back together, using fire and rage to tape the broken parts.
Once upon a time, there was a princess and a wildfire, and there was no way they could have lived happily ever after.
Blame me, either way
I was too far gone to say
I'm tired it's a little too late
When had this gone sour?
Had Biana picked up on Marella's... not quite totally platonic feelings for aer? Her convenient way of finding any excuse to hold Biana's hand, or the way she tensed and then melted when ae swept a hand through her hair to start braiding. The longing stares and the compliments on aer appearance that weren't exactly what good female friends would exchange? Had Biana realized the, if she was being honest, terribly concealed secret that Marella is... a lesbian?
Did that make aer uncomfortable?
Or was it before then? Was it when Alden started throwing disapproving glances in Marella's direction, making comments about how Biana should spend more time with children of more... noble families. His entirely unsubtle interference in their plans, scheduled dinners that just so happened to fall on the nights they wanted to have a sleepover? Ae is terrified of letting Alden down, always has been, and maybe ae finally decided making him proud was more important than aer old best friend.
Was it even before then?
Had it been broken this entire time, and Marella had just been too blind to see?
If I'm the fool
Then what are you
How could ae have been so blind? So trusting?
Biana never loved her, and it was foolish to believe ae did.
No one can really love her, and it was foolish to believe they could.
Don't tell me why (Don't tell me)
You can't sleep at night (You can't sleep)
I know now I won't answer
(I know now, I know now)
(I won't ever do this again)
In a moment of sheer stupidity, of three AM yearning, tearstained cheeks, clenched fists, and broken hearts, Marella makes the foolish decision to call her best friend. Or... her ex best friend. Her enemy? What are they? Are they nothing at all? Regardless, she sobs out "show me Biana," like she has so many times before.
The imparter rings once. She thinks back to all those middle-of-the-nights when Biana slept over and got tangled in Marella's bedsheets, when they should both be asleep, but Marella is thinking about... too many things, so she whispers Biana's name, and Biana whispers back, and they trade secrets in the light of her plastic, glow-in-the-dark stars.
The imparter rings twice. It's one of the first times that's happened- ae was almost always more than happy to answer any calls immediately, abandoning homework or Fitz or anything to do so. Marella used to be the most important thing in aer life. Used to be.
The imparter rings three times, and then Biana's groggy voice is mumbling "Hello?"
It shocks her back to reality, and she hangs up in an instant.
If I was just a lie to you
Well you were less than that to me
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
She thought it might be hard to hate Biana, someone she used to believe she loved.
But it's so easy. Far easier than loving aer ever was.
Their love was an illusion, and it shattered so easily. But the hate? This is real. This is real, and it's not going away.
Tell me who you were falling for
When we were lying on the floor
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
Unbidden, Marella remembers the friendship bracelets they used to wear. The way the vibrant colors stood out against Biana's brown skin. It's unnerving to see aer without them, to say the least, like a part of aer that seemed non-negotiable had gone away. Add it to the list- their friendship had seemed non-negotiable too.
And then, today, aer wrist isn't bare anymore.
Pink, cloth bracelets.
Crush cuffs.
Marella doesn't even care who they're for. She has her theories. She doesn't want to know. They're not for her, and that's all that matters. She slams her locker shut with more force than strictly necessary. It's still not enough to release the poison pulsing through her veins.
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
(If I'm a fool what does that make you?)
I never loved you at all
At all
At all (Loved you a little)
"Marella," Biana says, quietly, and it's achingly familiar. Like a song she used to love, and she desperately wants to join in a duet for just a moment before reality slams into her. She looks up at Biana. "Um. Hi." Aer hands twist together, a nervous habit ae's had for years, and if she closes her eyes, she can pretend nothing's changed.
But everything has changed.
And what made you think that
What we had was love
And if I was the fool
Then what does that make you?
Marella opens her mouth, trying to explain to Biana what ae did to her. The nights crying into her pillow, the days breaking everything in sight, the fire in her that slowly burned out to cold indifference. She searches for something sharp to say, words that could cut Biana enough to bleed. She searches through every harsh thought that has crossed her mind these past few weeks.
She finds nothing.
She stands there, in a silence squeezing the air out of her lungs, unable to speak. Unable to move.
What made you think that
What we had was love
And if I was the fool
Then what does that make you?
There are so many things she can say right now.
"What were you thinking?"
"I miss you so much."
"Leaving me was the best thing you could have done."
"Leaving me was the worst thing you could have done."
"Do you miss me?"
"Are you happy?"
None of them can find their way past her lips.
And what made you think that
What we had was love
And if I was the fool
Then what does that make you?
Marella wants to be an Empath. She hasn't manifested yet- what would it be like if she had? If she could be an Empath right now, able to feel what Biana is feeling? She wants to know. Wants to know if Biana regrets it. Wants to know if part of Biana still cares, even a little.
Actually, she's not sure she wants to know the answer. What would she do if the answer was no?
What would she do if the answer was yes?
What made you think that (If I was just a lie to you)
What we had was love (Well you were less than that to me)
And if I was the fool then (Never loved you a little)
What does that make you? (Loved you a little)
"You were the worst thing that has ever happened to me!" Marella screams, shattering the silence. It shatters something else inside her, too, something she wasn't even aware existed until now. "My life would be so much better if we'd never even met! I should have just walked away that day in Mysterium! I should have left you before I ever gave you the chance to leave me."
Biana doesn't fight back. She wishes Biana would fight back, but ae doesn't, so she keeps going. "I hope you regret leaving. I hope you want me back in your life, and I hope you know that it's never going to happen. I hate you, Biana Vacker."
"I know," Biana whispers, finally.
"Good." Quickly as it came, the anger leaves, until Marella deflates. "Never speak to me again."
She spins on her heel and runs before she can see Biana's reaction.
Tell me who you were falling for
When we were lying on the floor
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
Biana's life moves on, and Marella's stays rooted in rage. The new girl, Sophie Foster, comes, and Marella takes every opportunity tell her that Biana Vacker is a horrible person. Ae consumes too many of her thoughts. Ae consumes too much of her. She hates Biana, she does, but it's like ae's tattooed on aer skin, and ae is a past she can't quite escape. Her fury is fire and it's burning her to the ground but she can't quite put it out.
And Biana? Biana doesn't care.
Ae and Maruca are friends, growing closer by the minute. Ae tosses aer hair excessively when Keefe is in aer vicinity. Ae has a big group of friends and ae doesn't miss Marella. Marella doesn't have that. Marella has herself, and Sophie.
Then Biana takes that away too, and Marella has herself.
If I was just a lie to you
Well you were less than that to me
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
Tell me who you were falling for
When we were lying on the floor
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little
Years pass. Biana and aer newer, better, group of friends go on adventures and almost die. It looks... exhausting. Then, to Marella's dismay, they all seem to think her mother has information that could come in handy, and spend the next few weeks sucking up to her. This is definitely exhausting. It's frustrating enough when Sophie Foster tries to apologize, but the icing on the cake is when Biana swings by her house.
"Marella-"
"Get away from me."
"I am so, so sor-"
“I liked it better when you guys had forgotten about me," Marella snaps, and slams the door shut.
She could swear she hears a quiet "I don't blame you," from the other side. "I know I hurt you, and that was awful of me and-"
"I don't care." Her voice sounds hollow. "I don't care. I never cared about you."
They both know it's a lie.
Never loved you a little
Loved you a little