Work Text:
Emily’s biggest regret in life had been taking twenty steps. Twenty steps past where she had been standing were enough to forever ruin her life. At least, that was how she saw it when she saw what lay at the end of those steps. Though she knew that her true biggest regret ran much deeper, this was the one that Emily was willing to voice as the worst. Emily wished in that instant that she had listened to her grandfather. He was the wise man who had told her that last-minute decisions were always either the most valuable boons or unrelenting of curses. At that moment, the possible boons shrank to nothing in the face of her unrelenting curse. She wished that her choice had never included those twenty steps.
Emily knew that she was being too harsh. Other people deserved to be happy, and she was more than willing to do what she needed to make that happen. However, the more she completed those tasks, the further Emily left herself behind.
“Daddy, what’s this?” The inquisitive voice echoed past the mahogany door that laid cracked open.
It’s a ring, sweet boy.
Emily couldn’t mistake the glimmer of 4 karat gold. Hours of examining the necks of trivial socialites had left her with that gift. The little hand extended forward as he motioned towards the shimmery object. Sunlight caught the rim of the diamond just right, bouncing into Emily’s vision. It felt like fate was shining a big “Loser” sign in her face. She had finally lost JJ, with the evidence sitting in William Lamontagne Jr.’s hand.
“This is called a ring, Henry. It’s an engagement ring I got for Mommy. I’m going to ask her to marry me.” Reverence in his tone reminded Emily truly how much he loved JJ.
“Are you gonna live happy ever after?” The question broke Emily’s heart. “The bedtime book that Mommy reads me has two people that got married and they had a happy ever after.”
“I sure hope so, buddy. Your mom makes me so happy that it feels like my heart might explode.”
JJ made him happy, and he made her happy. There was no reason to insert herself in between that. Emily let out a deep breath, knowing that at least Henry would have his parents together. Her childhood was example enough to prove its importance. She receded those twenty steps and then went on her way. The next two weeks left the glimmer of JJ’s future engagement ring seared into Emily’s memory. She pulled away from JJ as food began to lose taste, life began to lose hope, and heart began to lose its light. Moving on would be one of the hardest things she’d ever done. JJ watched as Emily let go of her presence in her life, aching to understand what happened.
Finally, she gave up on trying to read between the lines. JJ would get to the bottom of their situation however she had to.
—-----------------------------------------------------------------------------—
“Are you avoiding me?” JJ entered Emily’s apartment behind her, deciding to stonewall past any reason that Emily could throw at her to get her out.
“No, now why are you asking me this?” Emily kept her back to JJ in an attempt to sort her head out.
“Oh, I don’t know. Maybe, it’s the fact that any time you see me, you look like death warmed over. It could also be because of that stunt you pulled outside of Pen’s office!” JJ’s patience was wearing thin, her ability to tolerate Em lying dwindling quickly.
“That was not a stunt. I was simply not in the mood to deal with people at the time. You know better than anyone the drain of constant conversation.” Emily locked her jaw and tightened her fists to create any attempt to defend herself as bitterness dripped from her words.
JJ didn’t deserve this. The animosity that Emily wanted to unleash was not a product of JJ or anything she had done. Regardless, she needed to get it out. If JJ was here, she might as well hear what losing her had done to Emily. Fairness in this situation wasn’t a concern to Emily. Her words, no matter their careful curation, wouldn’t get her JJ. There was no going back. If Emily burned the bridge, she wouldn’t have to worry about the messiness of feelings.
“BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. I saw how you were talking to Pen on the way to her office. It was only when I showed up that all of the life in you shriveled up and died.” JJ resisted the urge to grab Emily and make her turn around as the woman tried to set up her coffee machine.
“And?” Emily’s brain went quiet.
“ And? Are you joking? I didn’t even get a word in before you turned on your heel and left. Even Pen was in shock!” JJ’s heart thrummed in her ears.
“Remind me to apologize to her tomorrow. We have brunch and coffee planned at Colada Cafe.” Emily’s nonchalance broke JJ’s last nerve.
“Apologize? To her? You don’t have the fucking nerve. You didn’t even have the decency to greet me!” She grabbed Emily’s shoulder and roughly turned her around.
“I’m not morally obligated to greet you, Jennifer .” For a second, the defeat in Emily’s eyes took over.
She wanted to fight with JJ. Letting every single one of her grievances out was something she wanted. Then she reminded herself that she would be hurting JJ. That was the last thing Emily ever wanted to do in her life. However, a rage stronger than one she had felt in the past weeks bubbled up and Emily could see it mirrored on JJ’s face. She didn’t know if de-escalation was an option anymore. Hopefully, JJ would give her a way out in which she could say what she wanted without shattering her heart. Knowing that implied that JJ cared, Emily brushed the thought aside.
“I’m always supposed to hold myself together! Woe is me if I can’t talk to you and do that at the same time. Boohoo, JJ.” The vitriol of her words stung JJ further.
“Hold yourself together, huh? That’s shit and you know it. I’ve watched you sulk around pathetically, and honestly, it’s pitiful. If you had an ounce of courage, you would have said what you needed to.” JJ saw red, giving up her hope of civility.
“I know you feel like you need to fix everyone, but I have no interest in being one of your little projects! I will say what I need to when I want to. Why can’t you back off and let me live? I didn’t ask for my life to be invaded.” Emily nearly spat the words.
“A project? Emily, you’re more of a burden than a project!” There was a sting in JJ’s words that Emily felt pierce her heart. ”There’s always something you’re compartmentalizing and hiding from me!”
JJ’s eyes grew wide. She didn’t mean the words that had so vehemently spilled out. Progress and growth were always at the top of her list when it came to helping Emily. Not once had the idea of being burdened crossed her mind. Carried away was not enough to even begin an explanation for her sentiment. JJ was angry, and she knew how to be ruthless, but never like this nor to Emily. Emily was one to never deserve the brunt of her anger. Her brain became cloudy as her memories of the day merged before fading away. JJ loved Emily. She loved her more than anything. Losing Emily would be like losing the only part of her that stayed tethered to the Earth.
Yet, here they both stood as JJ watched Emily’s heart shatter.
A burden. Emily’s nightmare had come true. Rather, her understanding and theories were proven with that simple word. Only JJ could have broken through to her like that. There was nothing left to say about it. Blindness from her rage seemed like a viable explanation for the words that had echoed between them, yet Emily still didn’t agree. There had to be some truth to JJ’s exclamation. Her only problem was that the sole solution that made sense at that moment was to run away. Running away would fix everything, but JJ would never forgive her if she did. Hell, Emily would never forgive herself. Then she realized a simple fact: JJ would be better off with her.
“I know.” Every inch of air had been knocked out of Emily’s words. “There was always an excuse I had, even though I trust you. Now, I’m glad I did.”
Her eyelids fluttered as she struggled to blink back tears. Emily didn’t know if she had felt a worse pain since her teenage years. The feeling was familiar, one that greeted her with a sinking that dared to pull her underneath. It was the feeling of losing a home. Emily realized that it never did matter where she would run. Home was never an option. She had given up on being comfortable in the walls of any building decades ago. Hearing the floors of her emotional home shatter under her feet was almost too much. At least another apartment wouldn’t keep her tied to the pain of losing JJ.
“JJ, I think it’s best if you leave.” Emily’s body had gone rigid as she pointed to the door with an open palm. ”I don’t want to keep you any longer.”
Blankness coated Emily’s expression as the walls between her and JJ grew. Seeing such defeat in Emily nearly broke JJ. She wanted to shake Emily and tell her that she would always love her. Her armor was cracking and there was nowhere to hide. JJ could tell that Emily wanted to bolt and never look back. JJ would rather the Earth swallow herself whole. A split second of indecision left her dangling between speaking and simply obeying Emily’s polite request. Time ebbed past her as JJ tried to grasp onto any semblance of sanity.
No. Leaving never fixed anything. Emily proved that when she tried to leave the team several years ago.
“JJ?” Emily mustered up the courage to ask again.
“No.” Her answer was quick, almost as if to retaliate to Emily's question.
“JJ, I don’t want to keep you too long. I’m sure Will and Henry miss you and need you.”
Each name froze JJ up slightly more. She stood with her lips parted while her arms lay tightly folded across her chest. Every possible word died on her tongue. JJ opened her mouth to speak but Emily’s attitude left her mouth hanging further. How dare Emily use Will and Henry against her? This discussion had never been about them. JJ would stay until Emily was okay again. Will and Henry didn’t need her as much. The tumultuous atmosphere nearly made JJ’s stomach flip. Eventually, she found the words to respond.
“Low blow, Em. Will is a capable adult; he can handle himself and Henry. Don’t drag them into this to avoid what you really need to talk about. What the fuck are you doing?”
“I’m standing against my counter wondering why you won’t leave me alone, Jennifer.”
The mention of her full name reignited the anger and irritation that had pushed JJ to come to Emily’s apartment.
“Cut the shit, Em. I don’t need you trying to piss me off by saying my first name. I am JJ or Jen to you. I always have been, so stop acting childish.” Emily’s belligerent scoff cut off her remark.
“Me? Childish? You stormed in here after me and are on the verge of a tantrum because I don’t want to talk.” The sneer behind her words made JJ’s blood boil further.
“Don’t you fucking talk to me about a tantrum.” JJ’s anger almost got Emily to laugh at the irony.
“Oh really? What are you going to do, parent me? I needed some space and all you did was invade that. I can’t even be in my home to relax.” Emily finally pushed off of the counter to stand up.
She can’t seriously be playing that card.
“Then what do you call the two, maybe even three, weeks that I watched you mope around like a hurt puppy? I never pushed you. I just watched you pull yourself away from me more and more!” JJ’s voice crescendoed with each sentence as she mulled over every moment of Emily’s odd behavior.
“Did you ever think that I could have had a valid reason?” Emily sucked in a deep breath, hating the animosity that was influencing her thoughts. “I don’t want to burden anyone, least of all, you. I do all of this out of self-preservation. Learn some boundaries and then we can talk. I’m sorry if my space looked like sulking to you.” Emily emulated JJ’s pose, strictly crossing her arms to accentuate the spite in her words.
JJ was taken aback. She knew that all of Emily’s walls were there to protect a heart that had conditioned itself to break. Her intentions had never been bad, yet seeing Emily like this was going to push her over the edge. JJ had already been seething at Emily’s refusal to understand that JJ was there for her, but it was shrouded in love. Everything that she did for Emily was shrouded in love.
So what changed?
Guilt surged through her mind, tainting the words she was going to say. Perhaps she should have been more understanding rather than suffocating Emily. Emily had never been a burden, the mere idea creating a pit in JJ’s stomach. The fact that she had even accidentally presented the idea to Emily felt like a betrayal to them both. It was a lie born in the brunt of her anger.
“Never. You were never and are not a burden. Emily, please, get my words through your thick skull for once! For once, don’t twist my words to make things worse for yourself! Em, I am trying to help you. Why can’t you see that I love you?”
She wanted to reach out, more than anything. Banking on a lull in emotions, JJ unclenched her hands and loosened her posture. She took a deep breath in, focusing on the rise and dip of her chest. Emotions cluttered the air around them, and yet JJ could feel its overwhelming emptiness. Even after all of their fighting, neither had said what they truly wanted or needed to.
Betrayed by her habits, JJ reached an arm out. Her fingers had yet to brush against Emily’s arm when the woman pulled back. Emily retreated from JJ’s hand, scared of being burned by her fingers. Her own body was running an icy temperature, all the more reason to steer clear. Beyond that, physical touch had always been JJ and Emily’s resolution. It was their nonverbal safety net to help the other through tough times. However, Emily felt that she didn’t deserve it. Moreover, the hostility in her mind regarding their conversation pushed her away from JJ’s gesture.
Emily’s words eventually pierced the silence as conflicting emotions muddied the true tone of her words. “JJ, I heard you say it. Your eyes don’t lie. You might love me, but you don’t know what’s best for me. Stop acting like you do!”
“Damn it, Emily!” JJ’s hand came slamming down on the counter behind her. “I can’t take any more of this stupid up and down! Decide what you’re trying to say and say it! I can’t fucking wait around for you forever.”
Echoes of the abrupt sound jolted Emily out of her stance. She decided to increase the space between them so that she could think. Brisk steps with her back turned to JJ led Emily closer to her couch. Her heart had practically dropped lower than the floor, but Emily stood her ground as her mind egged on.
Fighting with JJ was her redemption now.
“You were the last person I expected to do this. All my life, I watched as people judged me, got hurt by me, and then passed me up. I never asked for a god damn pity party. I figured that I wouldn’t waste any more energy-”
“Em, what about us? What happened to us being the closest in each other’s lives? You gave up on that! You gave up on us!”
You gave up on us.
Those words hit Emily deep. She remembered the promise she had made to herself after rescuing JJ Hankel’s barn. The now seemingly useless words of the vow rang inside her mind. Emily had told herself that she would always be there for and protect JJ. No matter what happened to her, no matter the cost, Emily would do anything in her power for JJ. Slowly that had turned from a “from me to you” to an “us”. Emily couldn’t exactly pinpoint that moment. In the present, it felt like another stake in her heart. She was breaking her promise, if only made to herself, but it struck the chord. Where would this end? How many promises was Emily willing to break if it meant being able to hideaway?
“I-” Her mind refused to cooperate, leaving her without anything to say.
She mulled over their fight. Everything was beginning to look unsalvageable. Emily thought about how her life would change once JJ said yes to Will. After all, that’s what this was about. It was about Emily losing JJ because she was a coward. Moreover, JJ didn’t feel the same. Emily balked at the idea of changing her relationship with JJ. Her heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. Emily had the option of moving away. She had heard JJ’s angry plea to get her to stay. It wasn’t enough. After seeing Will show Henry the ring, she had carried some of her moving boxes into the living room. Her mind had yet to be made up but seeing JJ so angry brought her closer and closer to sealing the deal. Left speechless, her eyes trailed over to the boxes again.
JJ was tired of the long silences. Emily had still not given her an answer as to what was wrong. She wanted to help, to scream, and to shake Emily to get her back. Something had gone wrong and JJ was left scrambling to guess at what it was. JJ would fight tooth and nail to get their “us” back. She just didn’t know how far gone Emily was. There was a chance that it would never be repaired.
“Em-”
“No, no it’s my turn now. You can’t say all of that and then not let me process. I have never given up on us. I promised myself after Hankel that I would never let you hurt like that again. You are the only thing keeping me here. I just don’t know if we’re still going to have an us…”
Her eyes had not shifted from the moving boxes. JJ, shocked that Emily would hint at them not being a unit anymore, followed her line of sight. How could she insinuate that things would change? JJ had never and would never allow that to happen. Emily had been blankly staring at something in her apartment, curious about what had her attention, JJ looked too. She was met with the unmistakable, dull brown of moving boxes. It was the company that helped Emily move into her apartment. What were they doing out here?
Realization hit JJ like a ten-wheeler.
No. Not again.
“Emily.” Her voice was stern once more, holding up a hand to JJ’s objection. “What are those boxes doing out here?”
“Um, they’re just moving boxes.” Emily tried to steady her voice with a tone of nonchalance.
“I know they’re moving boxes. I asked you what they were doing out here?” JJ’s voice cracked, finally being wrought by the tears forming in her eyes.
“Nothing. I was just moving them around.” Emily’s eyes deceived her.
JJ couldn’t handle dancing around things for much longer. “Em, of all times, please don’t lie to me now.”
Technically, Em had been truthful, given that she didn’t have a concrete plan. “I’m not lying.”
“So you’ve just decided that Uhaul boxes are now part of your living room interior design. Yeah, I don’t buy it. Spit it out. What were you going to do?” Emily’s threshold of tears was finally broken.
It started with a singular tear. The plan was nonexistent, but Emily knew that she wasn’t just pulling at strings.
“I don’t know. They were taking up space in my closet so I thought I’d reorganize them.” The sting of crying spread through her face.
“You would never do something like that. It’s not like you.” JJ kept her arms tightly at her side to keep herself from reaching out.
“According to you, the last two weeks haven’t been like me, but that doesn’t matter. You didn’t sign up to see me crying over moving boxes. Will is probably waiting for you. You should head home, JJ.” Emily wiped her tears, focusing on the burn on her face rather than JJ’s expressions.
“Emily, answer me about the boxes.”
“Fine! I was thinking about leaving! Is that what you want to hear?! Luckily for you, it shouldn't take me more than a week to be out of your life. Then you can go back to your squeaky clean life and never have to worry about picking up my burdensome pieces again. ”
There was his name again. Emily was never one to bring up Will in their discussions on her own. Sure, if JJ had an issue, she was more than forthcoming. It had never happened like this. Her tone when saying his name was vastly different from the rest of her words. Why did Will keep coming up? Had he done something?
“Why are you so worried about Will? I told you that he is a capable adult, and he doesn’t need me with him all the time. On top of that, you can’t just drop the fact that you’re leaving like it’s nothing! I want you here, just like the rest of the team does. You mean everything to me, so don’t uproot that.”
Emily had too many things to say to JJ’s question.
“JJ, I can’t.”
I can’t.
JJ felt overwhelmingly angry with the gravity of the situation. She looked over at the moving boxes again and felt a rush of emotion. JJ walked over to the moving boxes. With a swift motion, she pried open the first box. It was half full with clothes that were stacked in neat piles. JJ recognized a fall parka that Penelope had gifted Emily on her first birthday with the team.
“You can’t? Emily, you’re practically halfway out the door already! You lied to me again!” The reveal from the boxes led JJ to start shouting again.
“JJ, what does it matter if I lie or don’t?!” Emily’s exasperation built on her frustration. “You have someone to go home to! Everyone on our team does, and even if they didn’t, none of you need me. My packed boxes are just another reminder that I will never set roots like you guys can! JJ, just go home to your boyfriend. I’m tired of fighting.”
The stream of tears on Emily’s face had come close to running dry. She hadn’t cried this much in front of JJ in a while. Somehow, vulnerability was so easy between them yet every second brought Emily more pain.
“NO. Now I refuse to leave. Tell me, what’s up with Will? Why are you so fixated on him? Before now you didn’t care about what he did or what time I got home to him. Is what you’re frustrated about him or did I do something?”
Emily let out a dry scoff. JJ’s obliviousness was baffling. Every single fact and Emily’s entire heart had been laid bare before her but she still couldn’t piece it together. JJ stood there questioning Will and all Emily could remember was her biggest regret in life. This one was something that she was willing to take to her grave. Aside from Derek, Emily had refused this information to anyone. That day of infamy, saying that she “should go for it”, was one to haunt Emily’s dreams. It was the day that had laid rest to her dreams of becoming a mother with JJ, remembering the encouraging “I can see it” she had received from her after saving Callie.
“It’s not about what you did, JJ. It’s what I didn’t do.” A new wave of tears flowed faster down her cheek.
“Will?” JJ refused to let go of the topic.
Emily rolled her eyes, infuriated that she let herself get so lost in her emotions.
“Of course, it’s about him. Look around you and look at me. Don’t you see it?” JJ’s breath caught in her throat and threw her stance slightly off balance.
She didn’t want to believe herself about where the conversation was going.
“Em, did I do something to make you mad? Did he?” JJ’s words were small as she tried to shrink herself into the corner of the apartment.
“JJ, I'm not angry at you and I don’t think I ever could be. I’m mad at myself because I couldn't be perfect for you. He’s perfect for you and he has everything you want. I couldn’t compare if I tried.”
JJ was taken aback by the words. Putting weight on them would make it real. She wasn’t sure if she was ready to do that. Was Emily saying what JJ thought she was saying?
“Wh- Why now?” Her voice shook while she readjusted her folded arms to hug herself tighter.
“He wants to marry you, JJ. My time is over.” Emily stared holes into the ground beneath her feet.
“We’ve talked about it but those plans were never final. Em, please don’t.”
“He has a ring! It’s over! Will is going to propose soon; I saw him show the ring to Henry. It’s gorgeous and perfect for you.” Emily’s voice went hoarse with the exclamations.
“I don’t want it! He can’t do that. I’m not ready. Em, you have to do something.” JJ’s voice was laced with sheer panic as she realized the gravity of Emily’s words.
“I can’t keep staying here, deluding myself with a future that I can't have. All that does is hurt both of us. This is out of my hands.” Emily took a deep breath to steady herself before continuing. “Every single time I told you that I love you, it was more than that. I fell in love with every piece of you. The way you talk, your passion for your job, how you care for people, and your personality all made it impossible not to. I knew from the first moment that I was doomed with you.”
JJ’s heart sank. The twenty feet between them grew to feel like a chasm. Here Emily was laying her heart out for JJ and all JJ could think about was Will. Poor Will never stood a chance. JJ’s heart had always been Emily’s, no matter how hard she tried to set it aside for him. Will was safe but Emily was home. JJ was torn between two sides of her life, caught in the middle on a tightrope.
“I cannot and will not ask you to give your family up for me. I respect you JJ and part of that respect is understanding that I need to let you go. Cliches aside, Henry and Will need you.”
“Em, please-”
“I sat by and watched you grow into the woman you are now and I don’t have words for how amazed I am. Henry is beyond lucky to have the best mother in the world. I don’t doubt that for a second. That kid is going to grow up with all of the love in the world because of his parents, and I know exactly the kind of caring, ambitious adult he will be. I know because I can see you in his eyes. I- I wish I had the strength to stick around and watch him grow up. Maybe if I had said something, things would be different. That day when I told you to go to Will in New Orleans is my biggest regret. I look back and laugh at how unwilling I was to give myself the slightest sliver of a chance. A part of me might have even wished that you and Will didn’t last. You don’t deserve to have to listen to me whine about all of the days that I spent sleeplessly rethinking my choices.” Emily’s voice shifted tones as she took a breath.
“Hell, I’m surprised you haven’t punched me or stormed out by now. Jen, you will always have my heart and I’m glad you do. I’m not counting anything in that besides the fact that you are my perfect woman. To that, I have drank myself into oblivion. My only request is that you live happily with Will. Forget about me and all of the messiness in our relationship. Live on and let your dreams of that cookie-cutter life work and perhaps I’ll find solace in that. Knowing that you’re happy, cherished, and taken care of like you deserve is all I want. I couldn’t give that to you, nor did I have the courage to see if I had it in me.”
“Em, you should have said something. You had years with me. I was always right here.”
“You need to go home. JJ, I’m not gonna listen. Unless you’re willing to give up the stability you have with both of them, which I won’t let you do, this doesn’t work. Goodbye, Jen.”
JJ walked towards the door with a void in her chest. Turning that doorknob was one of the hardest things that JJ had ever done. She spared one last glance back into the apartment to see Emily sheltering herself with eyes locked on the floor.
“I’m sorry, Emily.”