Chapter Text
Yosano Akiko rued the day she decided to befriend the short redhead that sat behind her in class.
It had happened like this. During their first ever week of high school, Yosano had happened to be late to the cafeteria. As a result, she absolutely had no place to sit. This was, of course, very annoying. On any other day, Yosano would totally find a spot to eat her lunch in the gardens, but she was already late. And relocating to the gardens would be very annoying, okay!
Hence, she had decided to go sit at the same table as Nakahara Chuuya, and the bandaged guy that was always with him, Dazai Osamu. Now, everyone knew that Chuuya and Dazai were a packaged deal. Those two were literally always together; it was almost as if they were joined at the hip.
Yosano knew this, but she had obviously underestimated the pure amount of bullshit that were Dazai and Chuuya. She didn't really mind their friendship or whatever they had going on, obviously. She had fully been prepared to be friends with both of them when she'd decided to sit at their table.
As it turned out, the three of them had ended up being friends. It wasn't a few weeks into her friendship with the duo, that Yosano finally realized why everyone warned against being with them too much. Dazai and Chuuya were just... Very fucking disgusting. And married. For a pair of high schoolers, they were so fucking married; it was absolutely revolting!
And the worst part? Neither of them seemed to realise what they were doing! They acted more like a couple than any actual couple in their school, and they weren't even together! No, the worst part is that both of them seem to actually be pining for each other as well?!
Yosano could totally see why nobody liked them.
Despite their bullshit, it wasn't like the duo didn't have any friends. Other than Yosano, Chuuya had several other friends, both from their class and other classes. On the other hand, Dazai liked having fewer friends in closer circles. Hence, other than Chuuya and Yosano, he rarely talked to anybody else. Even if he did talk to Chuuya's friends pretty often, he wouldn't say he was friends with them.
It has been a year since Yosano befriended the gross, idiot duo; and it was horrifying for her to admit that their married bullshit had spiralled and was very out of hand now. They were still pining over each other! Seriously! It has been a year!
Yosano was very tired of playing therapist to both members of the duo. It was bad enough that both Dazai and Chuuya had completely different and opposite takes on this matter. The matter being whatever the fuck the two of them had going on.
On one fine morning, Yosano was found by Chuuya in their PE class. As usual, Dazai was nowhere to be seen. Something about having a heatstroke and needing to go to the infirmary or whatever. Chuuya snorted and bet his beloved hair that his best friend was definitely holed up in the library reading again.
Anyway, that wasn't important. Yosano was sipping on her energy drink after PE when Chuuya sighed forlornly next to her, "It's time I find a girlfriend. Don't you think, Yosano-san?"
As expected, Yosano choked on her drink and spit it out, "You... What?!"
Chuuya sighed again, "I've been single way too long. I should find a girlfriend."
Yosano was seething in her shoes, and ready to smack Chuuya at this point. But because she was a good friend, she controlled her temper and asked as nicely as possible, "Well, what do you want a girlfriend for? How do you think your life will change if you find one anyway?"
Chuuya scratched his chin, "Well for one, I'll have someone to text constantly. Even late at night when I can't sleep."
Yosano tried really, like really hard to not point out the fact that Chuuya did in fact, have someone to text constantly. Obviously, it was that fucking Dazai. It was actually really gross! The two of them could be having lunch with Yosano and a few of their other friends, and they would still be texting each other on their phones. While sitting next to each other!
Before Yosano could say anything, however, Chuuya had already pulled out his phone and was smiling like a fucking dork at it.
The very disgusted woman blinked, "Who are you texting?"
Chuuya looked up briefly, "Oh? Dazai's is telling me a joke, hold that thought."
Well, Chuuya only has the heavens to thank for him still being in physically sound state. After all, Yosano really tried her best not to smack Chuuya in the head and knock some sense into him. She just quietly packed up her things and left, like any sane person would in this situation.
Later that same that day, Yosano and Chuuya were walking to the cafeteria together, where they were supposed to find Dazai. On their way, Chuuya casually brought the conversation topic from post-PE class again.
He sighed, "See Yosano-san, if I had a girlfriend, or a boyfriend, I could make them bentos right now! Then I wouldn't have to just eat with my friends. My partner could join us for lunch too!"
Oh look, Yosano had the sudden urge to grab a crowbar and smack a certain redhead with it. Fortunately, before she could spiral some more in her violent thoughts, they were joined by Tachihara, a friend of theirs from the neighbouring class.
He high-fived Yosano, "Yo. What are you guys talking about?"
Chuuya was quick to reply, "Just about how I should get a girlfriend or a boyfriend. I'd able able to make them a bento! It's a decent idea, right?"
At this point, the three of them just entered the cafeteria, and Chuuya went on ahead because he spotted Dazai at their usual table.
Tachihara shot Yosano a very confused look, "Aren't him and Dazai-"
Yosano cut him off with a pained sigh, "Just don't question it. Spare your sanity."
Tachihara seemed to be amused and scared for his sanity at the same time, so he let it slide. A few seconds later, the two of them reached their table as well. What they walked upon was a usual display of whatever the fuck Dazai and Chuuya had going on.
Chuuya put down a nicely wrapped bento in front of his best friend, "You forgot your food again, huh? When will you step and start taking care of yourself, oi!"
Dazai shamelessly clung to Chuuya, his arms around the redhead's waist, "But Chuuya~ Why do I need to do so, when I have you as my dog to do it for me!"
Chuuya gently patted the other's head before sitting down next to him and ensuring that their thighs were touching, "Taking care of you is a full time non-paid job, damn it! Do it yourself!"
The brunet just grinned, throwing his legs over Chuuya's, "Don't wanna~"
Meanwhile, Tachihara who had been watching this display, turned to Yosano, a look of pure confusion and trauma on his face. He was questioning his life choices very aggressively right now, Yosano could feel it.
The poor boy spluttered, "Chuuya- The bento- Dazai?"
Yosano gave him a sympathetic smile before sitting down, "Like I said, don't question it."
Well, eventually, Tachihara learned not to question it. Just like Yosano, he just started averting his eyes whenever he was near Dazai and Chuuya together. He too had known that those two were a packaged deal, but the fact that it was to this extent?! Tachihara wanted to go home.
As for Yosano, she was used it by now, curse her shitty life. In fact, after school ended that day, she decided that hanging out with Dazai would be a safer bet. Since Chuuya had to stay back at school for supplementary classes, Dazai would be alone after school hours anyway.
And since Yosano had nothing better to do, she decided that accompanying Dazai to the nearest convenience store would be a good idea. Wrong. Bad fucking idea, Yosano Akiko. She soon learned that maybe, just maybe, hanging out with Chuuya was better than this.
Whilst unwrapping the meat bun he had just bought, Dazai spoke thoughtfully as he swung is legs on the park swing, "Say Yosano-sensei, do you ever think about relationships or crushes and such?"
The Healthcare Committee member stilled comically, "Uh, I guess? What's this about?"
The brunet sighed, "Well... Okay, you have to promise to not tell anyone!"
Yosano blinked, "Okay? Sure."
Dazai pressed some more, "Like, nobody. You can't even tell Chuuya!"
Yosano's hand flew up to her mouth as she gasped in a perfectly understandable reaction, "What?! You're keeping secrets from Chuuya-kun? Don't you always tell him everything!"
Her friend whined, "I do, but it's vital that he never find out about this!"
He finally spit it out when Yosano promised not to tell anyone, "I might be in love with that disgusting Slug."
Insert Yosano's face as the "what-the-fuck-we-knew-that-already" emoji. If such an emoji doesn't exist, it needs to, right now. Yosano decided she must have an emoji like this in real life after all the bullshit her so-called friends put her through.
She however controlled her urge to yell 'duh' and instead, spoke slowly, "Right... Am I supposed to be surprised by this?"
Dazai gasped way too dramatically than necessary, "You already knew?! Does anybody else know???"
Yosano once again clapped herself on the back for her amazing temper controlling skills. Instead of smacking Dazai, she just raised her eyebrows in a perfectly composed manner, "It's very obvious actually."
This just led to Dazai moaning as if he was in pain, "Oh no. Oh no! My life is ruined! Now the Slug will find out about it and everything will just be ruined! Yosano-san, how could you let this happen!"
His friend just blinked, "What the fuck are you talking about?"
Dazai complained, "Isn't it obvious! The Slug is going to get a partner soon! He's stupidly attractive like that. There's no way he wouldn't! Then my fragile little heart will be broken. How will I continue to live, Yosano-san?"
Before Yosano could say anything, Dazai snapped his fingers as if he'd just had a lightbulb moment, "I know! I'll just block Chuuya. That way I'll never have to see him ever again."
Well... Yosano was trying really hard to keep it cool, okay. For one, she had the strong urge to point out that Dazai and Chuuya literally lived next to each other. There's no way they'd never see each other, even if the dumbass bandaged bastard blocked him for such a stupid reason.
While the very frustrated girl was trying to keep her cool, Dazai had already taken out his phone. He nodded at his friend, "I'm blocking Chuuya right now."
Yosano was still deciding if she should slap the phone out Dazai's hands or just let him go with it, when her immense frustration was relieved by an incoming phone call on Dazai's phone. She let herself be relieved for a second before she realised that it was Chuuya's ringtone that was blaring through the park right now.
You're an asshole but I love you
And you make me so mad, I ask myself
Why I'm still here, or where could I go
You're the only love I've ever known
True Love by Pink. Seriously?! Somebody needs to take away Dazai's phone right now, and it's not going to be Yosano. Of course, she did nothing but watch in horror as Dazai forgot all about blocking Chuuya as he answered the call and put it on speaker.
He chirped happily, "Chuuya~ Did you miss me?"
Chuuya barked from the other end of the wretched call, "Shut up, asshole. Anyway, I'm done with extra classes. I'm at the grocery store; you want anything?"
Dazai started, "Oh, can you get me-"
Chuuya cut him off, "I already got your shitty canned crab and pocky sticks. Seriously how old are you, five?! Pocky sticks, my ass."
The brunet whined, "Shut up, Chuuya! Don't be so stingy! Anyway, can you also get me-"
His best friend ignored him yet again, "I already got you a new pack of bookmarks."
Dazai beamed at the phone, "That will be all then. Thank you, Chuuya~"
He then hung up the call after Chuuya scoffed and mumbled something. Once that was done, he once again turned to Yosano, "Shouldn't I just block Chuuya already?! He will clearly never like me back."
Yosano jumped up to her feet and made her excuses before getting the fuck out of there. Half an hour later, Yosano Akiko finally reached home and took two aspirins before promptly going to sleep. This was just... Too fucking much.
The next morning, Yosano ran into Chuuya at the shoe lockers, despite her best attempts to steer clear of him at all costs. Apparently, Dazai had already gone up to their class, because Chuuya was the one who was putting away both their shoes.
Yosano had the strong urge to throw up, but she controlled it and engaged in idle chatter with her friend. A few minutes of conversation later, on their way to class, Chuuya brought up the wretched topic from yesterday again.
He sighed again, "Another pro of dating someone. I can walk home with them and walk to school with them every morning too!"
Yosano couldn't control it anymore. She threw up her hands, "For god's sake! Why are you so hung up about dating someone anyway? Didn't you always say you don't have the time for that because you're so busy looking after Dazai constantly?"
Chuuya replied in an equally agitated tone, "Well, yeah! But then my stupid ass realised that I've been in love with Dazai forever and I can't do this anymore! I have to move on immediately, and the only way of doing so is by liking someone new! Obviously, he will never like me back, so..."
Now see, Yosano was a patient person. Really, she was. But after dealing with Dazai yesterday, and Chuuya being a stupid bitch again, she was just done. She just glared at Chuuya before walking up to her seat in front of Dazai and Chuuya's seats, "Just shut the fuck up already."
Chuuya was confused, but he let it slide. A minute later, he walked past Yosano and took a seat next to his best friend, "Oi, shitty Dazai. I need to see Fukuzawa-sensei after school today, so wait for me at the gates, okay?"
Dazai just hummed before resting his head against Chuuya's forearm on the desk, "Obviously. We walk home together every day."
Yosano has never had a stronger urge to smack both Dazai and Chuuya both than this very moment. But she counted her sheep and focussed on her breathing instead. A minute later, their homeroom teacher entered the class, and Yosano was successfully able to drown out the buzz of whatever homosexual shit the pair of idiots behind her were doing.
Yosano's last straw was during the free period after their fourth class of the day. She was hanging out with Dazai and Chuuya in the corridors, and Tachihara and Gin from the next class had joined them all too. The five of them were just talking, and for a change nobody was doing anything weird.
In fact, Yosano absolutely worshiped Tachihara and Gin. Those two were such angels, compared to Dazai and Chuuya! In fact, those two from the next class were actually in a relationship. Yet, they never acted even a quarter of as disgusting as the pair of gays from her class! Damn it, why couldn't Yosano have befriended Tachihara and Gin last year, damn it?
But well, what was done was done, and Yosano was back to cursing her own life decisions. Apparently, Dazai was too tired because he had ended up tripping on literal air. He almost fell tot he floor, but Chuuya caught him just in time.
Chuuya then pulled his best friend closer to himself, the other's back resting against Chuuya's torso, and the redhead's arms wrapped tightly around Dazai's waist in an attempt to support him in the act of standing. Eventually, Chuuya's left hand found Dazai's, and the pair of hands somehow ended up intertwining.
It was the most disgusting thing anybody had even seen. Dazai and Chuuya were practically cuddling against the window, weren't they! Tachihara and Gin kept exchanging appalled glances with Yosano, and she could just grit her teeth and appear grim. The three of them were looking at each other still, as if trying to decide which one of them should say anything first.
Luck must be somewhat on their side that day, because they were all soon approached by a white-haired first year. His name was Nakajima Atsushi, Yosano recalled. Her expression alternated between horror and amusement as the boy nervously spoke,
"Dazai-san, Chuuya-san. I have a message for you two from Ranpo-senpai."
Chuuya hummed as he continued to gently hold Dazai in place, "Yeah? What's up?"
Atsushi spoke up again, looking as if he was ready to shit his pants, "Yo Dazai, Chuuya. I understand you guys are dating and very much in love but can you tone down the PDA? It's gross and I'm trying to eat."
The first year added with a yelp before running away, "Ranpo-senpai's words, not mine!"
Of course, Dazai and Chuuya's group of friends were very glad for Ranpo's intervention, but they were also very excited in the anticipation for what was going to happen now. They already knew that Dazai and Chuuya were a pair of dumb, oblivious idiots. How would they react to this accusation of them being a relationship?!
Chuuya spluttered in his stead, "W- What?! Who's dating this shitty Mackerel, oi!"
Gin apparently decided that she had had enough, because she actually answered his question, "You are. You and Dazai are dating. Why don't you just accept it already?"
Dazai choked on air, "That's not- We're not- It's not like that! We are just friends!"
Yosano let out a sigh before pointing out, "You two are holding hands as we speak."
Chuuya's eyes dropped to their joined hands, but he still had the audacity to not separate their hands! Instead, he just turned to Tachihara, "Oi, do you think so as well?"
Tachihara sheepishly admitted, "I thought you two were dating ever since I met you guys last year. I only learnt that you weren't when Yosano-san told me so last week."
The Tachihara, Gin and Yosano trio watched as they threw their friends into a cycle of questioning life choices, contemplating their existence and staring at each other in that disgusting way they do. Honestly, they deserved it! The trio also took this chance to get the fuck out of there, before either of the dumbass duo noticed them and stopped them to ask more questions.
Chuuya turned to his best friend, not even noticing that everybody else had left, "Oi Dazai... Are they right?"
Dazai insisted harshly, finally stepping away from Chuuya, "No way! Chuuya doesn't like me like I like him!" He then took notice of what his said, his eyes widening. He stepped back some more, his hands shaking a little, "I didn't mean... I didn't! That's not what I..."
Chuuya stepped forward before wrapping an arm around the other's waist, "Calm down, oi. It's fine if you do, isn't it? I like you too."
Dazai whined as he hid his face in Chuuya's hair, "No, Chuuya doesn't understand! I'm in love with Chuuya."
Chuuya laughed as rubbed the other's back, "You idiot, I'm in love with you too."
Dazai pulled back his head to look at Chuuya properly in confusion, "You do?"
The redhead snorted, "Obviously. And it looks like we've been dating all this time anyway?!"
Dazai complained as he followed Chuuya to a secluded spot under the stairs, "Chuuya is rude! He didn't tell me he was dating me!"
Chuuya glared at him, "I didn't know either, oi! If anything, it's Yosano's fault. She knew and she didn't even tell us."
Dazai was way too eager to accept that and bin the blame on their very saintly friend. He nodded happily, "You're finally right about something, Chuuya~ Doesn't it feel nice? It's totally Yosano-sensei's fault."
His partner scoffed, "I'm right lots of times, what are you talking about!"
Dazai raised his eyebrows, "Oh? Like what, Chuu~ya?"
Chuuya grinned as he curled his fingers in the other's hair and pulled him down, "Like how I'm right about the fact that you're going to let me kiss you now, and date the fuck out of you later."
A very flustered Dazai blushed furiously, "Chuuya! You can't just-"
He was cut off by a soft kiss pressed to his mouth. Chuuya groaned, "Shut up, shitty Dazai. You talk too much."
Well, Dazai was pretty much incapable of forming whole sentences now. He just blushed some more, "You- I'm! You-! What- I'm?"
Chuuya let out an exaggerated sigh as he wrapped his hand around his partner's wrist, "You're always so useless! Come on, boyfriend, it's lunch time already. They'll be out of custard buns if we don't hurry."
Dazai got a pat to his head before he was pulled along to the cafeteria by his boyfriend. Later, they finally announced to their friends that they were officially together now. Tachihara and Gin just exchanged glances before snorting, "Well about damn time."
Meanwhile, Yosano's relief was short-lived. Her the poor soul just had to watch in horror as Chuuya pulled Dazai halfway over his lap as the two of them sat down for lunch.
The next day onwards, she had to get used to Chuuya kissing Dazai's randomly. The redhead claimed that Dazai always got really flustered and it was super fucking cute. Dazai also blushed whenever Chuuya called him cute, which would make the latter laugh some more and then ruffle his boyfriend's hair.
Yosano Akiko wanted to transfer schools immediately.