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Mafuyu doesn’t remember how to sing. The words and the melodies refuse to come out. There’s a tight cord wounding around his neck, choking him. There’s a void between himself and the world.
It's happening all over again. He couldn’t hold on to Yuki. And now, he couldn’t hold on to Uenoyama. Music —which was fun, which gave him so much— is taking the person he loved away again.
Ah, he wants to scream, to fight. But making sounds made his father hit him and arguing took Yuki away from him.
There’s a cord around his neck choking him, and it’s getting tighter and tighter the longer Uenoyama is away.
“Ah! Mafuyu-chan!”
Mafuyu turns, carrying the wires he was cleaning up from the stage.
“Ah, Yayoi nee-san and...” He pauses, trying to remember the name of Haruki-san’s friend. “Take-san. Good evening.”
“Yo. Mafuyu-kun. Is Tsubaki-san in?”
“She stepped out for a bit but she should be back soon. Is there anything I can help you with?”
“We want to book the stage another show about two months from now, before CAC. Know if there’s an opening?”
“Ah, I think so.”
“Would Given be interested, ya think?”
Mafuyu’s breath hitches. A possibility of a live. Which he knows isn’t possible. Since Uenoyama is playing guitar for SYH for CAC.
He shakes his head. “Uenoyama-kun is playing support for another band for CAC.”
“Speaking of, Ritsuka’s been obsessed with a new song these days.”
The cord around his neck tightens and he can’t speak again.
He wonders if his downcast mood at the news from Yayoi nee-san is so obvious, because Take-san asks, “Ne, Mafuyu-kun. After this, my band is practicing a new song. Wanna listen in?”
Maybe he can’t face his own voice yet. Maybe he’s not ready to make new music yet. But he missed being inside a studio, missed the notes echoing on the walls and ricocheting through his body.
He nods and smiles. “I’d like that, Take-san.”
He doesn’t understand why but Take-san pats his head and Yayoi nee-san smushes his cheeks, cooing.
—
“Yo guys. Sorry we’re late. We have a guest.”
“Hello, I’m Sato Mafuyu. Pleased to make your acquaintance.”
“Given’s vocalist! Hello!”
They were all older, college and grad school students. And the atmosphere around them seems light, Mafuyu notes. He bows to the members and promises to stay out of the way.
“We’re practicing a new song today.” Take-san says. “The melody and the music is almost done, but we don’t have lyrics yet. I’m a big fan of your songwriting and singing, Mafuyu-kun, so we’d appreciate your thoughts!”
Mafuyu blushes, pleased at the recognition. Take-san was always so supportive. He invited Given to their first live show, extended their own set for them to have time to sort out Mafuyu’s broken strings, and later on edited their performance and encouraged them to go on social media. It might just be Take-san’s nature but it was something Mafuyu needed right now.
They start playing. It’s an upbeat melody, with the drums and strings playfully intermingling from the very beginning, then slightly slowing down but still playfully dancing before rushing through again. All throughout though, there’s warmth. He thinks about Yayoi nee-san pressing close to Take-san as they discussed the live show with Tsubaki-san earlier.
Mafuyu closes his eyes, feeling the music swell, and he understands.
This was a song about a new love.
“Well? What do you think?” Take-san asks after they finish a run-through.
“It’s cute! I like it! It’s like falling in love.”
Take-san gives a thumbs up to the band, and the band members cheer.
The cord around his neck unwinds a little.
The rest of the jam session was a blur. The melody of that first unfinished song lingers in Mafuyu’s head and he hums in on the way home, feeling words he’s not ready to give birth to yet form behind his throat.
—
Ten minutes.
Uenoyama-kun gave him ten minutes. Just that. He hasn’t seen him in so long and he only has ten minutes. Uenoyama had to get to the last train, Mafuyu’s mind registers but his heart hears that he’s being left again. Yuki wouldn’t —
But Yuki would. Yuki did.
He wanted to cry, he wanted to scream, but he was never good at that.
Mafuyu finds himself in Ugetsu’s home.
“Mafuyu?”
“Ugetsu-san…” he begins and hiccups the unshed tears instead.
He told this person once that it was going to be okay. He was never good at crying and…it’s all so strange and terrifying and cold.
“Oh, Mafuyu. It’s late.” Mafuyu feels arms surround him, leading him inside.
“What? Ugetsu? Who is—“ an unfamiliar voice says.
“Ah get out will you?”
“Ugetsu!”
“Get out.”
The other man clucks his tongue but leaves.
Oh, he ruined Ugetsu-san’s plans. Mafuyu wonders if Ugetsu-san was back to sleeping around as a way of running away from his feelings, from the things he feels like he couldn’t face.
There’s warmth and low humming tunes until he calmed down. He expects questions, some prodding. Mafuyu doesn’t know what he’ll say if asked.
Ugetsu pats him on the head instead and asks, “Do you want to hear a song?”
Mafuyu nods.
Later that night, Mafuyu will learn that those lamenting notes were part of Samuel Barber’s Adagio for Strings Op. 11.
But at this moment, underneath the ground, the notes echo on the walls. They echo in his heart too, and there’s no comfort -only emotions amplified by sound resonating until the cord around his neck tightens and tightens —
—and snaps.
“Ugetsu-san, I’m scared.”
“It’s going to be all right.” Ugetsu replies with a smile.
—
Mafuyu listens to Yoru ga Akeru as the sun rises the next morning.
He really was shitty at expressing his emotions, wasn’t he? How can he reach Uenoyama-kun like this?
The beats and the melody of Take-san’s song start playing in his head.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
He picks up his guitar and begins to sing.
—
Haruki-san is kind enough not to ask questions about why he needs Take-san’s number. And Take-san was kind enough to meet and hear Mafuyu out.
"Take-san, thank you for meeting me.”
Take-san waves him off and replies with a smile, “I’m curious.”
In the absence of words, because Mafuyu is not good at communicating but he is stubborn all the same, he pushes his phone and earphones towards Take-san instead.
Take-san blinks but says nothing as he listens to Mafuyu’s singing and clumsily played guitar.
“Ohhhh!!! This is good. Mafuyu-kun!”
Take-san starts tapping the table to the rhythm of the second verse.
“Here, I’d like to change it a bit, make the lead guitar a little sweeter and make the song slightly different from the first verse, if you know what I mean. Ah wait, can our band really use this?”
Mafuyu nods.
“I’m sorry to impose. I wanted to make music and Given hasn’t…”
Ah, he still doesn’t have the words to express things.
“Then,” Take-san says lightly with a grin. “Would you like to join us in finishing this song?”
Mafuyu brightens up at the words and feels like he can breathe again.
—
“Oi, Uenoyama. Do you know what this is?” Hiiragi asks.
It was a picture of Mafuyu on Take-san’s band’s official SNS, smiling at the bassist and the drummer. The caption was, “Working on something new.”
Mafuyu is so hesitant about going pro with Given but he’s working on something with a different band? The familiar ugly thing called jealousy begins curling in his belly.
He forwards the image to Haruki-san and Kaji-san.
“Oi oi oi.” Kaji-san responds.
“!!!”
It looks like Mafuyu didn’t tell anyone. Tsk. He’s upset, he’s angry. He doesn’t want to practice this goddamn song from Yuki Yoshida tonight.
Most of all, he wants to see Mafuyu.
Let’s meet tonight. Uenoyama messages.
I have something else going on. Sorry. See you at school?
Ok. Good night.
Night, Uenoyama-kun.
Mafuyu wasn’t in school the next day and he wasn’t at home.
What the hell is happening to them?
—
Take-san’s band tags Given’s official SNS in a short video of Mafuyu singing Fuyu no Hanashi’s chorus as the band plays. “We’re a big fan!” The caption says.
HOW DARE—
—but Uenoyama can’t pursue the line of thought because he was playing for another band too. A hypocrite. A jealous, greedy hypocrite. That’s what he is.
You’re making a song with Take-san?
Yeah.
No explanations. Nothing. Just that. Uenoyama wants to cry a little but he has to go practice with Hiiragi and Shizusumi now.
—
“Ne, Take.” Michimi, the drummer, says during a cigarette break. “I think this song suits Mafuyu’s voice more, don’t you?”
“Oi. That’s mean. But I kind of get what you mean.”
“We’re gonna record it, of course. But how about for some live shows we invite him to sing?”
“Ohhhh. I like it. I’ll ask.”
“Welcome back, Take-san, Michimi-san, Harumi-san.”
"Mafuyu-kun, we were just talking. We’ll play Hetakuso in the live next month. Wanna sing?
“Can I do that?”
“Of course!”
“Then, I’m in your care.” Mafuyu bows, feeling giddy at the thought of doing another live show.
—
Between Mafuyu’s sessions with Take-san’s band and Uenoyama’s preparations for CAC with SYH, they barely saw each other. Sneaking cuddles during lunch break, closing the physical distance but not making steps to cross the boundaries that they’ve been tiptoeing around ever since Uenoyama left Mafuyu after only ten minutes.
Mafuyu has his head on Uenoyama’s shoulder, humming a tune Uenoyama can’t recognize. And it hurts.
Seeing Mafuyu look content as he hums a song Uenoyama had no part of in making. Seeing Mafuyu here, stealing moments in between their separate lives made Uenoyama's belly curl with something unpleasant.
“Ne, Uenoyama-kun. Take-san will be performing the song we wrote. Haruki-san and Kaji-san are watching. Can you come?”
“Ah, it’s close to CAC. I’m not sure.”
“Oh.” Mafuyu sits up and it pains Uenoyama to see him curl around himself. It pains him more that he brought this on. “I see. It can’t be helped then.”
Mafuyu stands, not meeting Uenoyama’s eyes. “I’ll go back to class first. I think I forgot to do an assignment.”
Uenoyama doesn’t call out the obvious lie, panicking. He panics some more before deciding to message Hiiragi and Shizusumi about the live.
We were planning on going, duh.
Uenoyama Ritsuka wants the ground to swallow him whole.
—
Ugetsu sends him a sound clip. An orchestral version of Fuyu no Hanashi, along with a picture of him with a peace sign and a small orchestra in the background.
It was much slower, but Mafuyu is surprised that he notices the nuances of the song amidst the unfamiliar instruments. He understands the tempo, he knows where to sing, what cadences he should change to match this new arrangement.
At home, he searches the internet on how to layer vocals to Ugetsu-san’s clip. He sings until the first chorus. It feels less like screaming his heart out and more like telling a story. It was the same song but it feels very different. Music keeps on surprising him.
From: Ugetsu-san
If you’re free come over to my uni.
Huh. There was no band practice today and he had no part-time job today too.
Ugetsu-san introduces him to the orchestra and jokes about how he wanted a break from classical pieces and transmuted the notes from Fuyu no Hanashi out of boredom. He jokes like it was a simple thing, which might actually been the way it was for Ugetsu-san, but Mafuyu notes that the way the orchestra reacts speaks volumes about the other man’s talent.
“We actually just did that clip for fun. But hey, do you wanna sing while we play?”
Mafuyu nods.
Ugetsu-san actually posts the entire song on his SNS, tagging only Mafuyu. A little break with @given_mafuyu.
It garners more attention than everything Given has ever posted combined.
—
From: Haruki-san
“Mafuyu!!
From: Kaji-san
“Damn that Ugetsu.”
To: Haruki-san, Kaji-san, Uenoyama-kun
“It kind of…just happened. Sorry for not asking.”
From: Kaji-san
“Given’s getting a lot of attention.”
From: Haruki-san
“They’re asking if you’re going solo!”
“Mafuyu?”
Mafuyu sees Uenoyama leaving the chat on read. Annoyed and lonely, he mutes the group chat and doesn’t reply.
Tonight he’ll walk home, then he’ll walk and play with Kedama, eat dinner, and then do his homework. And maybe, just maybe, he can write about the overwhelming loneliness that accompanies him these days. He’ll talk about loneliness and the emotions attached to it that come and go, like irritation, like guilt, like self-doubt, like not knowing if you’re valued or not, like not knowing where you place in someone’s life, how you rank among the things that that person values, like not knowing if you even matter at all.
—
“Mafuyu-kun, are you ready? We’ll be singing Hetakuso last so enjoy the show and watch out for your cue to go on stage okay?” Take-san says, affectionately mussing Mafuyu’s hair. “Have fun singing, ok?"
“Got it, Take-san. Good luck out there!”
Take-san’s band plays two songs before he starts talking to the audience about this new song they’re making and encouraging them to try out the “oh-oh-oh-oh” sequence in the chorus. The audience laughs, singing out of tune. Take-san cheers them on and the band repeats the “oh-oh-oh-oh” for the audience to try again.
Mafuyu spots Haruki-san singing along next to Kaji-san who was smiling while watching Haruki-san. The audience has the rhythm going on now, which doesn’t surprise Mafuyu. Most of them are musicians themselves. Surprised, he spots Hiiragi, Shizusumi, and Uenoyama-kun in the crowd too.
Uenoyama-kun is here. Mafuyu hopes he hears the meaning behind the song.
“You guys are so talented!” Take-san says with a laugh. “Our band wrote the music to this song and when Sato Mafuyu —that’s the vocalist of Given— heard it, he liked it enough to write the words. So, we have a special treat for you guys! You might be tired of my ugly mug by now,” The audience laughs. “So, please welcome to the stage, singing Hetakuso tonight, Sato Mafuyu!”
Mafuyu enters the stage. The heat of the lights. The air buzzing with intense energy. The cheers from the audience.
He steps in front of the mic stand. There’s no guitar for him to hide behind this time. He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. The drums begin the countdown and the beats descend. Mafuyu smiles at the upbeat melody and begins to sing the cheeky, light hearted words about his bright, summer boy.
He glances at where Uenoyama —their eyes met!— is as he sings, Hey, if I’m with you, I won’t be afraid of the next winter.
The second verse and then, Take-san’s gamble.
The band stops playing, immersing the venue in silence as the audience sings the oh-oh-oh-oh melody in perfect timing.
Mafuyu’s heart feels so big it will burst.
Once again, he sings, and he can’t keep the smile off his face as the audience responds.
Mafuyu takes the mic and, to his surprise, begins to jump and dance along to the music. He feels free. Loving someone can feel like that, huh. Music can feel like this.
He bangs his head along with Take-san’s guitar solo and feels the music crest and stop with his entire body.
The audience cheers.
Ah, Mafuyu loves this. He thinks, right at this moment, he finds his answer to the question about going pro.
—
What the fuck was that. Mafuyu was dazzling. Vibrant. Joyful. Uenoyama’s heart can’t take it.
He was jealous of Take-san who brought out this side of Mafuyu on stage, jealous of Kaji-san’s ex-boyfriend for introducing Mafuyu’s talent and sublime potential to a wider world.
Hetakuso.
Ah, fuck. Amidst the rapid pitter-patter of his heart, Uenoyama knows that Mafuyu wrote that song for him. He’s quite shitty at this relationship thing after all. Good intentions doesn’t always lead to actions that can be understood and appreciated, doesn’t really mean Mafuyu could read his mind.
He’s been ignoring Mafuyu so much and instead of anger, Mafuyu gives him this.
Ah, fuck. His heart would burst. Guitar strings snapping not out of tension but out of happiness.
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
He could explode. He runs backstage. He had to see Mafuyu now.
“Mafuyu!”
“Uenoyama-kun?”
Uenoyama drags him to an unoccupied room.
“I’m sorry I haven’t talked to you and I’m so shitty at being your boyfriend and I’m a mess most of the time and sometimes my emotions make me not listen to you and—“
“I’m sorry for being a mess and being shitty at this too, Uenoyama-kun.”
Lips touch lips and there’s heat and music thrumming in Uenoyama’s veins.
Fingers interlace with fingers and Mafuyu’s lips kiss the seams where their fingers meet.
“We’re all right yes? We’ll talk about how to move forward?”
Uenoyama nods earnestly, clasping Mafuyu’s hand tighter, pressing his forehead against Mafuyu’s. More points of contact, not just physically but also in their communication.
“We’ll be all right.”
--