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Jake plays it as a joke as much as he can. It's funny, hilarious even, that's what he says. If he is honest, it doesn't bother him being the only single one in the group. He doesn't mind being surrounded by couples, his friends who are happily in relationships. It's all good. He loves them a lot and is happy they are so in love and happy. Maybe he is a little jealous of their happiness, but that's normal. He wants what they have, too, and one day he'll have it. He knows this.
Yet, his heart aches every time he sees them together. He scolds himself; they aren't even doing much most of the time. It could be that they are holding hands, or staring fondly at the other. It is never much, but Jake feels like it's a lot and he yearns for it.
It's ten times worse when he sees Heeseung and Sunghoon together.
At first, it's fine. They are cute and shy and seem almost afraid to show affection in front of anyone. Jake supposes it's because of all the time they had to hide it. But then a couple of weeks pass and they start getting more comfortable. Hand holding, lying together, cuddling to sleep. It escalates a lot faster than Jake is prepared for; one day, he walks in on them making out, they notice him and decide it's okay if he's there. Apparently, kissing each other is more important. Well, everyone has heard them having sex a handful of times, so it makes sense that they become more shameless.
Jake is confused and annoyed with himself. Why does he have to feel the way he does? Why is it worse when it's them? He knows something is different about Heeseung and Sunghoon, and it's not just because they are the most open about their relationship. Jay and Jungwon could be quite shameless as well, but Jake never feels what he does when he sees Heeseung and Sunghoon. The feeling of loneliness and want is always there when he looks, even if he pretends he doesn't feel it. But with Heeseung and Sunghoon it's different.
Watching them still makes him feel lonely and envious, but there is something more. Something deep in him he wants to ignore at all costs. Because acknowledging it means accepting it, which means having to think about it. Constantly. And Jake, well, he's not good at keeping his feelings and thoughts to himself. If he is thinking about it all the time, there's no way the others won't notice.
Watching them be affectionate doesn't only make him want to have someone to do that with, he wants to have it with them.
Honestly, coming to that realisation is better than what he used to think. When he first realises he feels different towards them, he thinks he likes Heeseung. That thought terrified him more than anything else. He is a good friend, he can't like his best friend's boyfriend. He's always known Heeseung is attractive, objectively, it's a fact. That doesn't mean he could want to have him hug him and kiss his forehead. He has never allowed himself to think past forehead or cheek kisses, that would be even more wrong and less easy to dismiss on his part.
And it gets worse once he notices he can't stop himself from searching his touch. Leaning closer, trying to get Heeseung's attention. He feels disgusted with himself. It's worse because it seems like Heeseung doesn't realise his intentions and indulges him. He can't look at Sunghoon for the rest of the day every time something like that happens.
In contrast, when he notices that it's not just a Heeseung thing, that he doesn't just want his best friend's boyfriend but also his best friend, things get easier. Relatively easier, because he is still dying inside and feeling extremely guilty. But knowing he doesn't want to steal his friend's boyfriend, but wants to be in the relationship soothes his conscience a little. Even if only a little.
So, maybe he wants to kiss his best friend's boyfriend and his best friend. No one has to know.
He still feels bad for wanting them and enjoying their attention a bit more than what is platonically acceptable. He'll deal with it, eventually. At some point, he'll have to move on, he'll get a crush on someone else and then the guilt in him will die. Or so he hopes, at least. For the moment, he'll continue to unconsciously flirt with both of them and feeling like the worst person once he realises how it looks.
Things get really weird when Heeseung and Sunghoon start paying more attention to him than to each other. Sure, they still talk and spend time together, but if Jake is near, it's like they start competing for his attention. Jake doesn't think too much about it though, choosing to just enjoy their affection. When they move to the new rooms and he starts spending more and more time in Heeseung's room, Sunghoon gets jealous. Jake understands, Heeseung has a room for himself and he's taking time away from them being together alone. Sunghoon never confronts Jake about it, but he doesn't have to, Jake understands. So he gives them some space.
"What are you doing?" Jay asks as he closes the door to their room. Jake is lying in bed, scrolling through his phone, he thinks it's pretty obvious.
"Nothing?" He answers, unsure if that's what Jay is really asking. Jay's tone is quite accusing, so he doesn't know how to answer.
"No, I mean," he groans frustrated. "With Heeseung-hyung and Sunghoon, what are you doing?" Jake pales, but otherwise tries to stay calm. This means he was being obvious, too obvious, and maybe Sunghoon's jealousy steamed from more than him just spending time with his boyfriend.
"N-nothing?" To his credit, the stutter is almost unnoticeable.
"Well, start doing something," now Jake is truly lost.
"What?" Jay looks so done with him he wants to take back his question.
"Jake, you are not that blind," Jay states. "I refuse to believe you are," Jake doesn't move a muscle, almost not even breathing just in case Jay gets mad.
"O-of course, I'm not…" except he doesn't even know why he is being called blind for.
"You have no idea, do you?" Slowly and with very small movements, Jake shakes his head. He has no clue, because it's obviously not about his feelings for them.
“No, no clue at all,” Jake admits. Maybe this way, Jay will just tell him what he is talking about.
“Okay, listen,” Jay sighs and runs his fingers through his hair, like he doesn’t believe he has to explain this. “This is what I thought, well, what Jungwon and I thought.” He begins explaining, “you have to have noticed how Heeseung and Sunghoon have been looking at you recently.” Jay makes a pause and Jake nods, because he has noticed. “We thought so, and then we kind of assumed that was why you were giving them space, is that right?”
“Yes?” Jake is a little confused, but decides to let Jay continue.
“So that’s the problem.” Jake isn’t expecting Jay to end it quite like that, so now he really doesn’t know what’s going on.
“Why?” Jake asks, because they are literally getting nowhere otherwise.
“You know them, they are a little dumb and dense sometimes,” Jay says nicely, “you have to be more direct.”
“But… I don’t want to…” Jake pouts unintentionally.
“I know what you are thinking, but as stupid as they may be, I promise they won’t get mad at you.” To Jay’s credit, he sounds sure about what he is saying, so Jake takes a moment to think about it.
He is aware of how jealous and possessive both of them are, but he also knows they really care about him as well. They are his friends and maybe they don’t like him how he likes them, but that doesn’t mean they hate him. Besides, in the past weeks they haven’t ever rejected his affection, they just look jealous when he’s with the other. So, Jay may be right, and even if he comes clean with them, they won’t resent and hate him for it.
That, however, doesn’t mean he wants to go and talk to them about it directly and out of his own accord.
“I know you are probably right,” Jake tells him sincerely, “but I still don’t want to talk to them about it.”
“Just think about it, yeah, it’s be better for all of us.” Jay almost begs him, “and it’s really just a couple of words, won’t even take you long.” He tries to convince him, “communication is key in any kind of relationship, even friendship.”
Jake hates that Jay is right about that, “fine,” he concedes, “I’ll talk to them… soon.”
“That’s better than not talking at all, so I’ll take it.” Jay agrees, happy that he has done his part.
Soon turns out to come faster than Jake anticipates. It’s been a couple of days since his conversation with Jay, about a week since he started giving space to Heeseung and Sunghoon, when he hits his breaking point. The thing is, even if he wants to give them space, he still needs to be close to them. And sometimes, he chooses to be selfish.
So, and as if he hasn’t been avoiding him for the past week, he strolls towards Heeseung’s room at night. He stops before entering, checking for any unusual sounds, when he hears Heeseung playing games inside, he walks right in. Being the good hyung he is, Heeseung doesn’t even question when Jake joins him. He doesn’t even question Jake’s week-long disappearance from their regular game nights. He just lets him right in, and Jake is glad.
They play around for a bit, switching from one game to another when they get bored. At some point, and Jake is not sure how, they end up on Heeseung’s bed. And maybe they are really close together, close enough that Jake is half on top of Heeseung’s lap. And maybe Jake decides not to think about it and just enjoy it guiltily. Selfishly. Because they are laughing and it feels right and wrong at the same time. Because he’s as close as he can be, but it’s not enough. Because Heeseung is looking at him every other second and Jake can’t stop imagining how it’d be to kiss Heeseung.
And then they are kissing and Jake wishes he had been thinking before because this is definitely his fault.
His brain stops and only catches himself when he feels Heeseung’s hand at the back of his head, pressing him closer as Heeseung’s tongue slides against his lips. He vaguely registers his own hands over Heeseung’s chest and thigh. It burns him with shame and guilty, but it still takes him a moment to pull away because it feels so good. So right.
“Oh,” he says, “Oh my g- I am so sorry,” he jumps off the bed as he panics. “I shouldn’t have, I-” he doesn’t know what to say, what he should say, to make things better, to fix things. His throat closes up and he feels like vomiting when he realises he doesn’t even regret it.
At light speed, he rushes to his and Jay’s room. At all cost, he has to avoid Sunghoon. There’s no way he’s going to have any sort of interactions with him after kissing Heeseung. At that thought, he stops breathing, pain forming in his stomach and heart. He kissed Heeseung. He kissed his best friend’s boyfriend. He gets into his room and closes the door quickly; Jay looks at him weirdly and then worriedly as he starts crying while crouching and holding his chest.
Even if he knows Jay is talking to him, he cannot hear him. He’s a terrible person and he can’t bring himself to regret what he did. Not even all the guilt he feels for it makes him regret it. Something is wrong with him. He remembers the feeling of Heeseung’s lips against his, how soft they are and how good they feel against his. It’s like two parts of himself are fighting against each other, one committing every detail about his kiss with Heeseung to memory, and the other being repulse by his thoughts.
He physically can’t stop crying, overwhelmed by two very contrasting and opposing thoughts.
It is in the middle of his breakdown that someone suddenly pushes the door open, taking Jake to the ground as he was still just crutching behind it.
“Ah, sorry, I didn’t think- it doesn’t matter,” it’s Sunghoon and Jake can feel his panic increasing by the second. “Jay, could you give us a moment, please?” Jay eyes him suspiciously but nods anyway, walking out of the room. Once he’s out, Sunghoon closes the door. “Listen-”
“I’m sorry,” Jake whimpers, it’s so difficult to breathe he can barely speak.
“No, no, it’s okay,” Sunghoon says softly. Jake wants to cry even more, Sunghoon is such a nice friend he doesn’t even seem mad that he kissed his boyfriend. How could he betray him like that? “It’s not your fault, don’t worry,” Jake starts panicking for another reason. What if Sunghoon is blaming Heeseung for the kiss? What if he’s the reason they break up?
“W-what? Yes,” he sounds as terrified as he feels. “It’s my fault.”
“Jake, it’s not-” Jake shuts him up quickly, because he’s not about to be the one to break his friends’ relationship.
“I’m at fault, I’m sorry…” he can’t look at Sunghoon, but he hopes his intentions are clear.
“Listen, I swear we are not mad.” Jake finds it weird that he is using plural to express himself, but he doesn’t dwell on it much because Sunghoon not being mad is good. “We should have realised sooner, you gave very clear signs now that I think about it, so we should apologise to you.”
Jake feels so embarrassed, he can’t believe Sunghoon is apologising to him because he has feeling for them and kissed his boyfriend. It makes no sense, Sunghoon is being way too nice for the situation. He thinks he probably wants Sunghoon to be mad at him, that would help him feel regret. He wants to regret the kiss above everything else.
“No,” Jake says drying his tears, he doesn’t deserve to be crying right now. “No, you don’t have to apologise, I have to apologise, I kissed your boyfriends and-”
“What do you mean you kissed- Jake,” Sunghoon stops, he turns serious. Jake is frightened to death for a second, Sunghoon didn’t know. Now he’s really fucked it up.
“I’m sorry… I didn’t mean to, it just kind of happened, but I-” Sunghoon puts both his hands on each side of Jake’s face and presses tight, stopping Jake from speaking clearly with his cheeks squished.
“Shut up for a second,” he tells Jake, but he seems slightly distracted. “You didn’t kiss Heeseung-hyung.”
“I-” Jake tries to unsuccessfully speak, tell Sunghoon that he did kiss Heeseung.
“Shut up, you didn’t kiss him,” he insists, “he kissed you.”
“What?” Jake manages a semi-understandable word.
“He kissed you, you pushed him and ran away, and that’s fine,” Sunghoon explains. “And that’s okay, a little disappointing, but okay.” He continues, his eyes focused on Jake’s face, “I’m sorry, I know you just- I need to do it, okay? I’m sorry.” Jake is confused for a second before Sunghoon presses their lips together.
It’s very different to the way he kissed Heeseung, but it feels the same, right and wrong at the same time. This kiss is soft, sweet, careful. It’s there, uncomfortable because Jake’s face is still being squished, but so good and warm. And it makes Jake want to cry, again.
He doesn’t understand why Sunghoon is doing it. Maybe he feels this way it’s fair, that this way it doesn’t mater than Jake kissed Heeseung because he kissed Jake as well. Maybe in his mind, this means the kiss he shared with Heeseung didn’t happen. Maybe this is his way of getting back at Heeseung. Jake doesn’t know, but he does know it hurts him. He knows it pains him that Sunghoon is kissing him when he doesn’t feel the same. It destroys him to even think that maybe Sunghoon is using him for revenge. His heart breaks with every beat it takes while Sunghoon is still kissing him.
Feeling overwhelmed, Jake starts crying again. He’s not even sure he ever stopped crying, really, but now his tears fall faster. He can’t even breathe properly, but tears continuously flow down his cheeks. Eventually, Sunghoon notices this. He notices that Jake is struggling to breathe and that his cheeks are wet. He notices the tears falling onto his fingers and he refuses to let go of Jake’s face. And as much as Jake wants Sunghoon to stop kissing him, he also wants him to kiss him more.
Kissing Heeseung was a mistake and this is his punishment. He has to suffer through it as much as he enjoys it. He can’t even complain, because he brought this upon himself. It’s his fault. But it still hurts so damn much.
“I’m sorry, Jakey,” Sunghoon brings him closer to himself and presses Jake against his body. “So sorry…” he says as he gently rocks them to the sides trying to calm Jake. He tries to resist, but Jake quickly gives up and presses forward towards Sunghoon. He holds onto Sunghoon like he’ll die otherwise.
“Sunghoon, did you-? Oh,” Jake can’t see, but he hears the door opening and Heeseung’s voice is unmistakable. “What did you do?” It sounds accusing, and it takes everything in Jake not to react in shame.
“What did I do?” Sunghoon fires back, holding Jake with even more strength.
“You said that you’d fix things, but he’s crying,” Heeseung points out.
“He was already crying, Heeseung,” there’s a pause and Jake is not too sure what’s going on. Jake feels Sunghoon turn his face away from the door, “I kiss him…” Sunghoon mutters. And Jake is completely lost, he thought Sunghoon wanted Heeseung to know this, otherwise how would his revenge work? At least, in his confusion, he stopped crying with only the stray tear falling down his face.
“Sunghoon!” Heeseung scolds him.
“What? You got to kiss him, it wasn’t fair,” Jake tries to process Sunghoon’s words. “He’s already upset, and that was your fault, I couldn’t make it worse than it was,” he justifies himself.
Jake pushes away from Sunghoon as hard as he can to break free from his, almost crushing, embrace. “I- what?”
“You did make it worse,” Heeseung crosses his arms, glaring at Sunghoon who looks guilty.
“What?” Jake is trying to comprehend all the information, but it’s like he’s trying to put together an all-white puzzle without any sides.
“Listen, I’m sorry, okay? He looked so cute I couldn’t resist.” Heeseung gives him a look in between questioning his motives and completely understanding his reasoning. “Besides, I’m sure we can work on this, it doesn’t have to ruin our friendship, right?”
“What?”
“Sunghoon, be reasonable, we literally kissed him against his will,” Heeseung argues. “At the very least, we broke his trust, that’s not easily fixed.”
“What?” Jake repeats, but it’s like they can’t hear him.
“But- I’m sure Jake understands… he heard us fucking a bunch of times, he knows we are not the best at restrain… right?” Sunghoon turns towards him, “Jakey?” It seems like Sunghoon finally noticed how lost Jake looks.
“I have no idea what you two are arguing about,” Jake sits on the floor. “What I know is that I kissed Heeseung-hyung, and then I ran away because I fucked up, how could I kiss your boyfriend? And then you came here blaming hyung and kissed me? Because you wanted to get back at him?” he isn’t too sure about that anymore, but it’s his best theory for now. “After that, I… I don’t know what’s going on.”
“Jake, you didn’t kiss me, I kissed you.” Heeseung clarifies, but Jake shakes his head. That just doesn’t make sense.
“No, I’m pretty sure I kissed you.” Jake insists.
“Well, I mean, you kissed me back for a moment, but I started it,” Heeseung clarifies.
“But- no?” Jake still denies, even if he doesn’t really know how it happened.
“Jake… Do you think I’m mad at hyung because he kissed you?” Sunghoon asks and Jake nods, because that seems rational. “And you think that if you were the one to kiss him, I wouldn’t be as mad because then he, technically, didn’t cheat on me?” more hesitantly this time, Jake nods again.
“I- I don’t want you to break up because of something I did…” Jake doesn’t understand the look they both give him.
“We are not going to break up, regardless of all this kiss situation.” Sunghoon reassures him, and Jake feels a lot of guilt leaving his body.
“But why did you kiss me, then?” Jake asks, because if Sunghoon isn’t mad about his kiss with Heeseung, what reason did he have to kiss Jake?
“Your lips are very kissable, Jake, you should have seen them as I was holding your face.” Sunghoon explains. Jake never thought Sunghoon’d be the kind to kiss anyone just because they have good lips, but he also has never thought much about it. “And as I said, Heeseung got to kiss you, I wanted to kiss you, too.” It almost sounded childish, like he was jealous.
“Your jealousy is showing,” Heeseung mocks him, a lot more relaxed now that he knows Jake doesn’t hate him.
“Wait, I don’t get it.” At this point, Jake has given up trying to understand what the other two are talking about on his own.
“What is it?” Heeseung immediately turns to him.
“Why would Sunghoon be jealous, he kisses you all the time,” he really is trying to make sense of it.
“I- of Heeseung-hyung, Jake, jealous of Heeseung-hyung,” Sunghoon emphasises.
“But why?”
“Because I like you? We like you,” he clarifies and Jake’s brain turns off for a second. His mind has to restart to be able to understand what he’s hearing. “And, well, he couldn’t hold back and kissed you while playing game even if we had been talking about how you probably noticed we were being a bit… intense with you and were distancing yourself to let us know-”
“I thought you were mad at me,” Jake states interrupting Sunghoon’s lengthy explanation.
“What for?”
“I thought you were mad I was flirting with Heeseung? And you, to be honest, I thought you were mad I was flirting with both of you…” Jake explained, “I wasn’t doing it intentionally, though, it just kind of happened.”
They stay silent for a second, Sunghoon sits on Jake’s bed and Heeseung leans against the wall. Sunghoon has his eyes closed and is holding his head, like he is the one lost this time. Heeseung is just contemplating the celling. Jake looks at both of them, first at Heeseung and then at Sunghoon. Something has gone terribly wrong in their conversation. Not because they are fighting, but because it seems like they were having two different conversations about the same topic. It takes a moment, but then Sunghoon is looking at him.
“Let’s start again, okay?” Sunghoon is not really asking. “Heeseung-hyung and I are dating, we like you, we get a little jealous when you pay more attention to one of us.” He starts explaining, from the beginning. “We thought you picked up on that and were letting us down gently, then Heeseung-hyung kissed you,” Sunghoon pauses for a second. “You run away, we think we fucked up, you think you fucked up,” he pauses again, but this time waits until Jake nods to continue. “I come to fix things and kiss you instead, you cry because you think I’m breaking up with Heeseung and I think you cry because we fucked up.”
“I cried because it hurt to think you were kissing me just because I kissed Heeseung-hyung and you wanted to get back at him.” Jake corrects him, “I now realise that sounds dumb.”
“It’s not dumb if it hurt you,” Heeseung argues.
“I should have been clearer, I really wanted to kiss you, for a while actually.” Sunghoon nods in agreement.
“You can’t be serious,” Jake says. “Wait, no, more importantly,” he realises he skipped a very crucial piece of information. “You like me?”
“Yes?” Sunghoon nods as Heeseung says. “I thought we were obvious?”
“No? I- but- no? This is a mess,” Jake sighs. “I was giving you space because I didn’t want you to know I like you,” Jake explains.
“Can we date?” Sunghoon asks almost immediately.
“Please?” Jake adds looking over at Heeseung.
“What? Do you expect me to say no? Of course, we can date,” Heeseung says and it makes Jake laugh. At this point, no one knows if he actually finds it funny or if it’s just a reflex to anything Heeseung says.
“Can I kiss you?” It’s Sunghoon asking again.
“You just kissed him!” Heeseung complains.
“What if you kiss and make up first?” Jake suggests, Sunghoon shrugs and walks over towards Heeseung kissing him quickly and shortly on the lips.
“Do I get a kiss from you now?” Sunghoon looks so hopeful as he kneels on the floor next to Jake.
“If he gets one, I get one too, right?” Heeseung kneels to Jake’s other side.
Sunghoon glares at Heeseung, before relaxing. “Right, okay, can we both get kisses?”
“But you do get kisses,” Jake smiles, suddenly feeling giddy and content. He’s messing with them and it’s fun.
“From each other, sure,” Heeseung concedes. “But not from you,” he leans forward and kissing Jake nose; Jake is not sure if it was intentional or if he missed the mark.
But, before he can say anything else, he finds himself being kissed by Sunghoon, again. It was a short but passionate kiss. Not a second passes after Sunghoon lets go of him that Heeseung is kissing him. And he’s once again thinking how they both feel so different and so similar at the same time. They keep taking turns kissing, passionately, softly, gently, short and long. They kiss in every way they can while being on the floor. Then, Jay walks into the room, looks at them for two full seconds before grumbling and slamming the door shut.
There’ll be a lot of explaining to do in the morning, but for now, their main concern is figuring out how the three of them can fit in one bed.