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Unconsciously, when you call my name, my heart beats faster.
"Maya-chan!"
I have memorized your voice completely, and when I hear it, I feel at home.
But why me?
Why me?
I never thought I would fall in love with you.
I realized one day in the shower, while organizing my thoughts, that I was doing things without realizing it; just to please you.
We met a long time ago, we were little, at least ten years old. It was my first dance class.
"Hi! You're new, aren't you?", you smiled at me, and I saw your cute dimples for the first time. "I'm Hanabashi Rio."
And so our friendship was born.
I always admired you so much. The way you dance is mesmerizing. But, not only I like your dancing, but also your patience. You are very good at guiding people to dance, at guiding me.
After five years of seeing each other only on weekends -when we had classes- we started going to high school together.
We were always next to each other, but we also made new friendships.
And you fell in love for the first time.
That's when I started to doubt.
"Why do I feel so insecure looking at this nobody?" I wondered, as I looked at myself in the mirror.
Nakabayashi Yuto, tall, handsome, basketball player. A stereotype of the perfect guy. With shoulder-length hair, he always wore his trademark ponytail. Girls were head over heels in love with him.
But, what you liked the most about him, was his fashion sense. Coming from a family with a lot of money, he would wear designer clothes on a daily basis.
Suddenly, I started buying lots of new clothes, with my savings of years.
My mom thought it was strange, as I had never been interested in the art of fashion. I always wore the same three outfits to go dancing.
I would excuse myself by saying I wanted a glow up, but no.
I wanted to impress you. I wanted to impress you, and take your mind off that boy.
Is this jealousy? No....
Well, at least that's what I wanted to believe at my fifteen years old.
"Wow, Maya-chan! You look really pretty today! Where did you buy the skirt?"
I blushed for the first time.
When Yuto rejected you, your room looked like it had been bombed. You had torn up all the letters you had written to him, the floor had turned into a pigsty. Your bed was a mess, and your eyes were full of tears.
"He's an idiot!" you shouted as you ate the ice cream I had bought you to lighten up your mood.
I could sense your family's concern from a distance.
"At least his sister has a heart!"
"Rima-san?"
"Yes, she told him to stop being rude to me."
That jerk threw your letters on the floor, stepped on them, and insulted you.
What I would have given to have those sweet words for myself.
(...)
When I turned seventeen, we went to a hip-hop dance competition.
I always stayed late with you in the studio, polishing the choreography.
But there was one part I didn't get right.
You put your hands on my hips, and helped me get the move right.
My heart had never beaten so hard before.
"Now...do you understand?"
"Yes...," I said breathlessly.
You looked at me with a smile on your face.
"Well done! The choreo is pretty good."
You looked so beautiful standing there. With your hair up and your favorite outfit for dancing. All in black. With a scrunchie on your right wrist and a good mood.
You've always been so energetic and talkative, you can even have a conversation with a cactus.
I, on the other hand, am serene and quieter.
But that doesn't mean I'm not funny, my dad jokes always make you laugh.
Your laughter rings in my ears and makes me very happy.
"What did the traffic light say to the other traffic light?"
"Don't look, I'm changing...You've told me that one a thousand times, Maya-chan! You're like a broken record!" You laughed softly.
We lost the competition, so we didn't even win a prize. Not even a yen.
(...)
Already being eighteen, one seeks independence. We wanted money to go out to the movies, or to eat delicious food.
Riku and Mayuka always invited us to eat fried chicken, but neither you nor I had money to pay for our stuff, so we started looking for some source of income.
I started selling drawings, watercolour paintings and any kind of handicrafts.
I love those kind of things.
You started working at a cafe.
It had just opened, and it was in the centre of Nagoya, so it was always busy, and always will be.
My favourite barista, I always came to see you every Thursday...
No, I wasn't coming to see you. I would go with my laptop to do homework. That's what I did.
I would convince myself that I was doing that...
The cafe is small and minimalist, few tables. I always sat at the one against the window facing the street.
You always brought me my caramel machiatto without my asking, and that filled my heart with joy.
"Thanks HanaRio, I'll enjoy it."
You winked at me and almost ran off as you fixed your apron.
My heart and mind were out of sync as I watched you prepare the drinks, so focused.
I would wait for your shift to end, and we would leave together. You always complained about the manager, who was a bit annoying.
"Ayaka-chan is such a lovely person! However, the manager always scolds her for little things!" you snorted angrily.
"What did she tell her today?"
"That it was unacceptable to put fifty-nine millilitres of espresso in a large Americano, instead of sixty."
"She's crazy."
"You know what? I'll quit."
"But... What about the money?"
"You're right, I would do anything to buy me that limited edition beret."
I wish I'd asked you to quit.
A week later, a new guy joined the staff.
A Korean guy named Soobin.
And you started raving about him; at the clothing shop, at my house, at the cafe, while we were studying for our final exams....
Let's just say I started breathing Soobin, eating Soobin, and sleeping Soobin. I couldn't take it anymore.
Even our dance crew captain Mako knew all about it, and she laughed at you every chance she got, copying your dreamy voice. Actually, the whole crew laughed at you.
"His name is Choi Soobin... He's so tall! And his eyes, they're so beautiful, they shine like a star in the night..." Mako-chan laughed non-stop.
"And his smile, Oh, his smile..." Miihi-chan continued "And he has dimples..." "Like me!" All our friends shouted in unison, and you irritated, chased after poor Mako for a few minutes.
(...)
When you told me that you and Soobin started dating, I congratulated you.
But inside I wanted to punch the boy like he was a punching bag.
Before school ended and winter break began, my new friend, Hillman Nina, the transfer student, asked me:
"Why the long face? Holiday is coming, you should be happy..." she said, with a hint of concern.
"No reason..." I sighed.
"Don't tell me it's because of Rio-senpai's boyfriend..."
"WHAT? No...I told you, the guy's really nice! So nice it hurts..."
"What's that got to do with it?" She raised an eyebrow. "Mmh...Sounds to me like you're jealous."
"No, of course not!"
"According to what you told me, you've known Rio-senpai for a long time..." she blurted out in a suspicious voice. "Besides, you look at her with the look I look at my Stray Kids poster with...In conclusion, you're in love!" she shrieked.
I panicked. Me...Katsumura Maya, in love with my best friend?
"Nina-chan! Don't be ridiculous." I looked at her in surprise.
"Then, if I'm being ridiculous, please accept Haruto-senpai. The poor guy has asked you for a date more than eight thousand times. You can tell he's kind, and persevering." she giggled.
"You know what? I'll do it."
Anything to forget.
To forget that I really like you.
(...)
I told you I was dating him, and you smiled at me. You were happy for me, at least I think so.
Watanabe Haruto is very sweet, he has a melodious voice. He likes art like me, and sometimes when we went on dates, we went to museums. I liked that, being able to talk to him about things I was passionate about.
But I wasn't attracted to Haruto per se.
All I wanted was to prove Nina-chan's point. To prove that I didn't like you, that I didn't think the least of you.
We started going out more often, holding hands as couples do, and I even had my first kiss.
You didn't even feign emotion when I told you, I did with Soobin.
I no longer went to the cafe on Thursdays.
I started to get attached to Haruto.
I couldn't be ruthless and break his heart.
I started to feel that maybe I liked him, until what?
After four months of dating him, you broke up with Soobin.
And I heard the whole fight, because you didn't hang up the phone, since you were talking to me before he came to your place.
I should have hung up...but I heard my name and I was shocked.
"Maya-chan this, Maya-chan that...I'm tired already!" Soobin sounded angry.
"What do you mean by "tired"?" you asked, in a neutral voice.
"You always talk about her! When we're working, every time you make a caramel machiatto you tell me it's her favourite. Then, every time we go shopping, you say...oh, Maya-chan would love this!"
"Soobin, I..."
I couldn't believe what I was hearing behind the line.
"When we go to the movies, the movie ends and you say...Maya-chan would have hated it!" he sighed, tiredly. "You're always on the lookout for her messages, even if she never texts to you. Every time you see her boyfriend walk into the cafe, your mood changes, you get cranky...what's wrong with you?"
My heart was about to explode.
"I like Maya-chan."
I hung up the phone.
(...)
I told everything to Riku, Mayuka and Nina.
And to Mako, who kept it a secret.
All four of them asked me the same question.
"Are you going to break up with Haruto?"
I guess I've always been obvious, everyone knows I like you.
But you.
You texted me every day, but I texted back to you curtly, because I still didn't understand what was going on.
You liked me back.
That's new, because all this time I thought I was the only one who felt something.
But it's reciprocal.
What about now?
(...)
I went to Haruto's house.
He welcomed me with a warm hug.
"What a pain...You're such a good person." I thought.
So I said the classic four words. "We need to talk," I tried to sound tough, even though my voice was about to crack.
He looked at me, already knowing what was coming.
I sat down on the couch in his living room, and started talking. I told him the whole story of how I fell in love with you, and how important you are to me.
He listened attentively.
"You should tell her your feelings." He said to me, smiling. "When you agreed to go out with me, even I didn't believe it, I always thought you had feelings for Hanabashi-san." he sighed sadly. "I thank you for trying to love me. And I hope everything turns out well."
I hugged Haruto and apologised to him. He told me not to waste any more time.
(...)
You blocked my number.
Why? I don't know.
You started avoiding me in every possible way.
I didn't even see you in the school corridors, or in the music room, which is your favourite place.
Riku and Mayuka were worried.
So was I.
But, according to the teachers, you were attending classes.
So we were playing hide and seek all the time.
At recess, I looked into your classroom and found your backpack.
The same one as always, light blue.
Inside the front pocket, the smallest one, I put a purple origami swan.
When we were kids, I remember teaching you how to make origami, one weekend after dance class. The first time you came to my house.
"I love this swan! I'm going to keep it as a lucky charm, it will represent our friendship!"
I kept it and left.
(...)
I didn't see you again until the day of our graduation. That is, today.
I was dressed in white, and my hair was red. A new look.
Wearing my graduation hat, and with my diploma in hand, I was ready to finish the cycle.
As we threw our hats up, I looked to my right. There you were, smiling and crying with excitement.
From one moment to the next, we looked into each other's eyes. You were startled to see me.
Quickly, you ran to get away. But no, I wasn't going to leave you.
I ran after you, through the schoolyard, desperate.
"Hanabashi Rio!" I shouted.
"Stop following me!"
"No, not until you give me an explanation."
You were on the track team for quite some time, I could tell.
From the schoolyard we moved to the gym- it has a door leading to the schoolyard- and finally, I was able to grab your wrist.
I felt like I was in a Korean drama. My action was a bit violent, the problem was that I was desperate. In the moment, I did what my heart wanted.
My heart was looking for an explanation.
"Why are you hiding?" I asked trying to breathe properly. "You suddenly blocked me, you stopped hanging out with the crew, you hid from me at school, and now you're planning to run away again!" I was angry, very angry.
"Maya..."
"I heard the whole fight you had with Soobin before you guys officially broke up. I know all about it." I said, without hesitation.
You tried to walk away again, but I wasn't going to give up until I got a concrete answer.
"Do you know how I felt at that moment? There are no words to describe it. My heart was beating a mile a minute. I know well it was wrong to listen to the conversation, but I couldn't help it. When you said you liked me, I couldn't believe it." I spoke quickly, you kept quiet, and with a slight blush on your cheeks.
"I like you a lot Rio, a lot. Since the first time you smiled at me. It took me a while to realize it, but I came to the conclusion that I can't live without you, so I need to know...why did you walk away?"
I had never sounded so confident before.
"Maya-chan...I, I wanted to give you a letter, you know, I always write letters to the people I cherish the most, and you are one of them. Actually, you are the person I cherish the most among all the people I cherish. So, I wrote the letter, but...my dad saw it. When my dad saw it he got mad, he took my phone, blocked you and confiscated it, then, he forced me not to see you anymore because if I saw you again then he wasn't going to let me dance anymore and I..."
I couldn't take it anymore. I kissed you.
You were talking so much, and you looked so adorable that I couldn't help it.
Obviously, I let go of your wrist. I grabbed you by the waist and let myself go.
You returned the kiss in the sweetest way, I felt in heaven.
"HanaRio, your dad is an asshole."
You laughed.
"I know."
"I'm not going to let you leave your biggest passion."
"I won't. I won't let that idiot bully me again. I'll talk to Mom and my brother about it."
"They don't know anything?"
"No, if I told them it would make the threat worse..."
I hugged you. For a long time.
"Well, that doesn't matter anymore. It will be fixed." You said and smiled again. "What matters now, is this." You pulled out of one of your pants pockets the swan I gave you. "This lucky charm needs to be replaced."
"Why?"
"Because it symbolizes friendship, and I don't want to be your friend anymore."
You kissed me. And I confirmed that I'm really in love.
"Hey, Katsumaya."
"What's up?"
"You look beautiful with red hair."