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It’s true, what they say, about how your life flashes before your eyes when you’re about to die. In fact, that split second before death was the only respite for Bean.
…bean….Bean. He knew that was not always his name, but in the wisps of memory flowing and twisting and dissipating behind his retinas it might as well be. It was the only thing his distorted imitation of a brain could muster to fill in for the gap of who he was. All he could really remember was Him.
Soft blonde hair. Pink lips, pink cheeks, big blue eyes. Those eyes could hold the universes if Bean could hold the image of them together for just a second longer. His hands, his hands holding Bean’s own and god, that name, what was his name? The question flew away before Bean could even ask if properly. God, did he deserve to be remembered properly.
A fragment rested on what was left of Bean’s hippocampus for a second. Their first meeting, on the steps of that church in where was it? His eyes are what caught him first, big beautiful eyes. And that carefree smile, how his eyebrow quirked when he made a quip to Bean, as if he was somehow unaware of how he was about to ruin his life for the better. It was carried away before Bean could even think of what he said back.
Their first kiss existed in an infinite instant Bean was allowed to look into one last time. His eyes were closed but he could still see the blue, blue eyes. God, that kiss. Stolen in an alleyway past midnight, god they would’ve been killed on the spot if they’d been seen.
Bean had already forgotten when a new memory trailed itself back over his conscience. His mother, faceless as she was still somehow managing to weep as her son was dragged out of his childhood home. A scream cut the air. Who’s scream? Is that what his voice sounded like? No, no they weren’t supposed to find them, the plans weren’t real, no, they were never meant to be followed, just a ridiculous daydream for a filthy eldian. Yes, he knows what this means for his brother, no, please no he’s a promising young warrior he’ll do Marley well! No, no no no no.
This memory was foggier than the rest yet he could still feel the way the lightning licked his senses, the drop in his stomach almost as steep as the one he felt when he saw those blue, sky blue, watercolor starry eyes looking over the wall at him, following him down. He wasn’t himself anymore and in less than a heartbeat he no longer had, he couldn’t even remember why.
The world came into sharp focus for the first time since being sent to paradise. Not long enough to feel the cool steel of stolen blades on his neck, or the humid summer air sticky on his too hot skin, or the dirt and nails digging into his emetic incorrect body. All he could see were blue, blue eyes, looking down at him. How did he not recognize them sooner? They were beautiful. Not quite right, not quite his, but neither were Bean’s own. Broken and malformed, Ymir’s will let Sawney be his again.