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Clad in a long black suit, a lone figure walks in the midst of an alleyway as leaves painted the color of autumn’s palette whirl around as the shadows of his steps. His hands are tucked into pockets and his head is lifted slightly into the air. An air of curiosity radiates off him, as it would when someone is returning home after nearly half a decade. His slow, cautious pace slows to a stop in front of a dimly lit record shop and he gives a smile the moons in the sky would be jealous of before pushing the door open. A bell chimes somewhere in the shop and an elderly man soon makes his appearance behind the counter as the only other person in the shop. With a warm smile, he makes a gesture as an invitation for the visitor to look around. Every nook and cranny of the place reflects the greeting’s warmth and it piques him to look around.
Not long after, his eyes notice a cassette tape wedged in between larger records and it prompts him to reach for it. There is no title on it. Only the picture of two hands linked together nearly fading into the white of the paper it was printed out on gives little clue to what the contents of it may be. It’s a beautiful picture nevertheless and it leads him to play it on a nearby player, grabbing one of the store provided hearing devices to absorb himself in its contents more clearly.
What he did not expect was to hear a voice that crashed in like waves would on the sea shore at the night time as the moon shone as bright as it would to embrace everything underneath it. That voice… The listener recognized it as the voice of a boy with eyes that held more stars than the universe could offer, the voice whose owner he once spent every moment of his life with. and it brings forth a sharp tear in his heart. How could it not? He remembers more than clearly how he had left their shared dorm that night without a proper goodbye to someone who always stuck by him.
Jen... No, I should call you Lee Jeno from now on, shouldn't I? After all, you made it clear whatever we shared was nothing more than the easiest thing you could throw away when you left that night. No "goodbye"s, not even a letter to explain where you left to. Do you know how worried I was when I woke up the next day to find the dorm emptier and your room clean as if you had never lived there at all? I was frightened, Jeno, and I only realized how foolish I was for being so when I found out from our teacher you had left for Canada to pursue your dream. Our teacher, Jeno, out of everyone I could’ve heard of it from. It didn't make it better when I saw how our classmates seemed to know of it beforehand.
In the following days, I would ask myself; "Was i too wrapped up in my own thoughts to never realize the signs you gave me, if there were any?", "What could’ve gone wrong between us to make you leave?" Boy, I wish I could tell my younger self one year ago that such questions would lead me nowhere. However, what is done can't be undone... And if I may be honest, I still find myself thinking of you. Yes, the you who hurt me and threw away what we had as if the past two years meant nothing.
A greater part of me told myself that I should move on and get a new life, maybe find someone else. But we all have that stubborn self and mine told me to wait. Maybe, one day, I'll wake up from all of this and realize it’s a nightmare; you never really left after all. Logically and rationally, my entire consciousness knows I'm fully sober. But you know me, I'll always hold on to the smallest dreams life gives me no matter what. So, I chose to wait and I still am. Heck, I even see myself doing so in the future despite my entire body telling me it might not be worth it anymore.
A honey glazed chuckle follows up and it makes Jeno mentally scold himself.
Remember this record shop? I first met you here years ago during autumn. You were in the listening section dancing around to whatever tune played. On the other hand, I was watching you from where my grandfather ran the shop, amazed by the crescent moons you stole for your smile. You made a fool of yourself that day, knocking yourself into the door as you ran out after your purchase. I only got to learn later that the cassette you were listening to was titled "moon song." Fitting, for someone like you.
I remembered you and perhaps, in my imagination, you remembered me too. When we finally crossed paths once more in middle school, I saw your smile again that time during orientation and that was when I realized; I've had a dangerous crush on you ever since the record shop. I couldn't help it. Your entire presence is like a drug, I would get addicted to it and would've never opted out. Then, my illusion was proven right. You did remember me as the store owner's grandson and asked me to be your friend. I was beyond elated and even wrote that day into my diary, marking it as one of my biggest accomplishments thus far.
You have always had big dreams, Jeno. Even a stranger could tell so, from the way you would look at any musical instrument within the vicinity. You were always born to be an outstanding musician, that was what I thought, and I was right when I saw your picture on the news yesterday. The youngest musician to host a solo tour across the country… I'm really proud of you, I hope you know that. You finally did it, Jeno. No more calloused fingers from hours of practicing with no promise of what opportunities tomorrow will bring you.
I had always thought maybe those dreams were too big for that small dorm we shared but somehow, I'm alright with that because in my eyes, you belonged on the world stage. Somehow, I found myself saying that was the reason you left... I don't know, it’s been quite a while since I was sure of anything. I’m quite the mess right now, aren’t I? I miss you, Jeno, so much that my dreams revolved around that damned smile of yours…
Well, if you are listening to this right now, it means you have found the way back to where it all started. Everything started here, my feelings for you, as well as our relationship. I still remember as clear as day; how you asked me out after we listened to the newest arrivals after the last day of exams in high school. If you're listening to this right now, it means that my grandpa has always kept his promise to me, to leave this recording here until you decide to come back and visit this shop; whether coincidentally or intentionally. It also means that I'm still waiting to hear why you left, as much as waiting hurts for anyone. So if you're listening to this, come and find me, you owe me that much, I believe.
The picture on this cassette, you probably won't recognize it because I took it during our date at the beach when you were focused on how the sky bleeded violent hues of orange and red as the sun faded into the horizon. But it is one of my favorite memories of us.
And lastly, if you have listened this far, then it means I still love you. Even if I know I should no longer do so. Because in this world where everything screams a violent voice of disruption, you are the calming breeze of my night sky I can always turn to.
The tape ceased to a static halt and it broke Jeno, letting loose all the strands of regret that had accompanied him in the past five years he left his "home". The person in the recording was right, his long nights of practicing paid off but at what cost? He had hurt the person he held dearest to him in a span of time far shorter than that.
"You know…," a voice behind him spoke. "My grandson was really torn when you left. Everyone, including me, told him to move on and leave everything you guys had behind. because if it was that easy for you to disappear without a goodbye, then it signified he meant nothing to you. But it seems as if he inherited my stubbornness, he insisted on waiting, you see, no matter how much it would hurt him. When he came here to leave the recording, I wanted to yell at him and smash it into pieces but I recognized that look in his eyes. Behind the overlapping layers of strength and hesitation, he had faith in the feelings you both shared. So I let him."
"Now that you have returned, I guess that I was wrong and that my grandson did indeed mean something to you. I hope you won't betray his trust another time."
Jeno remained silent, continuously looking out the window into the night sky that seemed lit in golden flames from how street lamps crafted silhouettes of trees from afar. Everything has turned into an unstoppable motion in his head and if he could be honest, he wanted to go on a search for the person he had hurt so badly yet still chose to trust him. But he had no idea where to start. Five years is half a decade, a period of time where both nothing and everything could've changed.
The familiar silhouette of a man entering the store pulls him out of the chaos in his mind. Except for the now orange-brown hair, he still looked the same as Jeno remembers him to be. At the same time, his features are more prominent than ever and he finds himself drowning into the deep pools of dark chocolate pools that made the newcomer’s smile once again.
A smile so warm as hot chocolate on a rainy day is thrown his way and Jeno swears his cheeks are flushed red but not from the weather.
"Jaemin...?" he calls out, unsure.
"That would be me and I believe you owe me something."