Work Text:
Coffee for One
Beep beep beep beep
Atsushi groans and rolls over to forcefully silence the alarm clock blaring in his ear. 5am always feels so awful in this dreary city, and the rain feels so much more desolate when you’re alone.
Atsushi settled in Kumamoto – one of the rainiest cities in Japan – several months ago trying to leave behind the destruction the beast inside of him left behind in Yokohama. His days since have consisted of solitude and more solitude, except for the eight hours, five days a week he works at the coffee shop down the street from his apartment complex. Aptly named Twilight Tiger, Atsushi works as a barista and gets most of his social interaction at the shop talking to customers and his coworkers.
Atsushi groggily throws on his uniform and walks the several blocks to Twilight Tiger. Sheets of rain fall harshly, soaking through Atsushi’s shoes. The gloom weighs on his mood – having been alone these past several months has left Atsushi feeling more down than ever before. He’s been used to loneliness, the crushing weight of not having someone to turn to when he’s feeling down, no one to send funny memes to, no one to share in his joy and heartache. His whole life he’s been alone, or at least close to it. So why, now, does everything feel harder? Maybe it’s just the rain. Atsushi ignores the clenching feeling in his chest as he approaches the shop.
His coworker, Akiko already opened the shop, the neon “open” sign glowing strongly against the gloom. Atsushi enters, giving her a silent nod of acknowledgment, and clocks in. Akiko and Atsushi rarely speak to each other but work well together. With her usually on register and him on bar, workdays are relatively easy.
Customers start trickling in for the early morning rush – people stopping in before work or school. Atsushi robotically makes drink after drink, not caring to glance at any of the customers coming in. He indulges a few of the customers who try to talk to him while he makes their drink, but keeps the exchanges to only a few sentences before sending them off with their drink.
The initial morning rush dies down, and Atsushi leans against the counter to collect himself. He glances around the café – a few people sit at the tables, eyes glued to their laptop or a book. He takes no interest in them – there’s only been one customer who has piqued his interest, and he’s due for a visit soon.
“Hey can you take over register for me? I’m going to take my lunch.” Akiko asks.
“Sure, no problem.”
As Akiko disappears into the back room, the cafe door jingles as it swings open, and a lithe man with long brown hair walks in, his long coat fluttering in the wind behind him. Always timely. Atsushi thinks.
“Another lavender latte for you, Dazai-san?” Atsushi inquires of his regular.
“You know me so well, Atsushi-san.” Dazai winks and hands Atsushi some cash.
Dazai comes in every day around noon for a lavender latte, and chats up Atsushi until the late-afternoon rush comes in. Atsushi has learned to appreciate it – at first, he found Dazai to be a little eccentric for his tastes, and thought he talked a little too much. But, despite his strange self-mutilating proclivities, is nice company. He’s been the only person Atsushi has really connected with over the past few months, so seeing him saunter in today, when he’s feeling more down than usual, feels almost like a relief.
Atsushi heads to the espresso machine and takes out the portafilter, filling it with ground coffee. Dazai leans against the counter in front of him, chin resting in his hands.
“Nothing to say to me today, Atsushi-san?” Dazai coos. “You’re more quiet than usual.”
Atsushi quirks up a grin and shrugs a shoulder as he tampers the espresso grounds. “What do you want me to say?”
“I don’t know, anything really. I like hearing you talk.”
Atsushi breathes out a quiet laugh and ignores the heat blooming on his cheeks.
“I don’t get why.”
“Do I need a reason?” Dazai ponders, then asks “You’re acting different today. Everything okay?”
Atsushi begins steaming the milk and shrugs without a word. After a lengthy pause, he speaks up. “I don’t think I’m acting weird.”
Dazai clicks his tongue and straightens up when Atsushi hands him his latte. Dazai takes a sip before speaking again.
“What time do you get off work?”
Atsushi quirks up an eyebrow, “Why do you ask?”
“What time do you get off, Atsushi-san?”
“Uhhh… in like three hours. Why?”
Dazai smiles and turns away, heading towards an empty table and taking a seat, lounging lazily on the bench facing the coffee counter. Atsushi squirms under his unrelenting gaze. This is unlike Dazai, he usually hangs around to chat for a while and then takes his leave. Why is he sitting down today? And why is he staring at me?
Dazai’s countenance is that of slight amusement. Atsushi helps another customer, violently aware of Dazai’s unrelenting gazed. Atsushi tries to ignore it and takes the order, but messes up on the POS system several times before getting it right. He never does well under pressure, so this situation has him high strung.
Dazai watches Atsushi over the next couple of hours, taking occasional sips of his latte. Atsushi avoids making eye contact with him. Akiko glances over at Atsushi, and leans over to whisper in his ear. “Why is Dazai-san watching you?”
“I don’t know. Seriously. I don’t know.” Atsushi aggressively attaches the portafilter and presses the hot water button. He tries to distract himself by watching the crema froth up at the top of his shot. But, soon his discomfort gets the best of him and he hastily walks over to where Dazai is sitting, crosses his arms, and frowns. “Is there something you want to say to me?”
Dazai smiles, eyes boring into Atsushi’s. “We can chat when you’re off. One more hour, right?”
“Uhhh, yes? Are you waiting for me to get off?”
“Yes. We haven’t gotten to chat today and I would really like to.”
Atsushi shifts his weight to his hips, and tightens his folded arms, breaking the excruciatingly intense eye contact Dazai was making. “Fine. You don’t need to watch me, though…”
“Sure I do. Don’t worry about me, just carry on with your duties.” Dazai says, almost sing-song.
Atsushi sighs and heads back behind the counter, to which Akiko gives him another quizzical look. He replies, “I don’t know, dude. I don’t know.”
The last hour of his shift passes by painfully slowly. Atsushi grew painfully aware of every movement he made, knowing Dazai was perceiving him every moment. He and Akiko began closing up the shop, wiping down tables and stacking chairs. Atsushi approaches Dazai, and begins wiping his table.
“Could you wait for me outside?” He scrubs the table a little more aggressively than he needs to.
“Sure thing.” Dazai stands up and glides out the door. He leans against a light pole a few meters from the café, staring in through the windows.
“He’s relentless…” Atsushi whispers under his breath, and heads back to the counter to do final closing duties. Akiko nudges him with her elbow as he counts the till, “Dazai is harmless, we both know that. I think this is just his way of being friendly. Outside of pestering you everyday when you’re working. I wouldn’t sweat it too much.”
Atsushi gives her a nod and continues counting the till, acknowledging to himself that that was the most words Akiko has spoken to him since he started at the café. “I don’t get why he’s so insistent on waiting for me. And, being so diligent with his stare. I don’t think he’s looked away from me the whole time he’s been here.”
Akiko shrugs, and takes her bag out from underneath the counter. “Dunno. Good luck, though. I’m heading out. Don’t forget to lock the door on your way out.”
Atsushi nods and waves her goodbye, and closes the register. He checks that the sidework is complete one last time before leaving the café and locking the door behind him. He feels Dazai’s eyes bore into the back of his head. Atsushi steels himself for a moment before turning around to walk towards Dazai. He can’t help but keep his eyes glued to the ground.
“Good job at work today.”
“Thanks… So… Why are you waiting for me?”
“I just wanted to chat, since we usually do everyday. But, you didn’t seem up for it at work so I figured we could change the scenery a little bit.”
Atsushi blinks in surprise, he can’t deny that he’s been feeling rather low today so engaging in their usual banter at work didn’t feel like it was in the cards for him. But, seeing Dazai outside of the usual café environment felt… Vulnerable. Intimate, maybe.
Dazai continues, “I’ll walk you home. How about it?”
“Sure.” Atsushi tosses his head in the direction of his home – “I’m over this way a while.”
“Lead the way.”
They walk side by side in silence for several, excruciatingly long minutes. Atsushi racks his brain for conversation material – What do we usually talk about at the café? What do I even say right now? What does he want me to say?”
“You seem pretty upset, today.” Dazai interrupts Atsushi’s flood of anxious thoughts. “Mind if I ask why?” He glances down at Atsushi, not breaking their pace.
Atsushi looks up at Dazai, feeling the pained expression on his face. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, one is the face you’re making right now. And, two, you didn’t smile at me today. And, barely talked, too. I figure there’s something bothering you, so I wanted to ask.”
“Why do you care?” Atsushi retorts, a little more brusquely than he meant to.
Dazai raises both hands up to yield. “Ah, come on. Of course I’m worried about my favorite barista.” Dazai offers Atsushi a coy grin, “I’ll listen if you want to talk.”
Atsushi ponders this offer, continuing to walk a few more blocks in silence. Why should he talk to Dazai about why his mood is so low? They’ve never talked about anything more than light conversation. This feels like a big leap in conversation material.
Dazai reaches out and places a hand on Atsushi’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze. Atsushi feels hot where Dazai touches him, and fights the urge to shrug him off in embarrassment. Dazai’s tone softens, almost uncharacteristically, “I’m not here to judge, and, I’d like to get closer to you. So, I’m hoping you’ll entrust me with whatever ails you and know I’m not here to harangue you. I’m being earnest here.”
Atsushi softly grins and shifts his bag to the other shoulder. “I mean…” He gives in to Dazai’s kind request, feeling lighter for doing so already. “I just… I just moved here not too long ago, right?”
“Right.”
“And…” Atsushi sighs. “I dunno. I’ve never had many people to call friends. No one really to call family. I’ve just been wandering around from city to city with myself as company. I’ve been doing this for so long, I should be used to it. But, honestly? I’m really, really lonely. So lonely, in fact, I feel this heavy weight crushing me every day. And, the rain here doesn’t help alleviate the sadness. It just makes me feel lonelier. I don’t really know how to make friends, or even where to find anyone who’s wanting to chat. Dating apps are ridiculous and it’s not like I can walk up to people at the park and ask to be their friend like you could in grade school.” Atsushi rambles on, feeling the hot sting of tears in the corner of his eyes. He clears his throat, trying to adjust to the tightness taking hold, “And, I know this probably sounds silly. But, you’re the person I’ve talked to the most, and I just see you at the coffee shop. Don’t get me wrong, I like talking to you, I do. But, I still go home only to be alone. No one to text, no one to play games with. It’s just me. It makes me feel pathetic, but I can’t help but feel like watching hours of shows would be much better with someone to do it with.” Atsushi sucks in a sharp breath. “Sorry… I totally just unloaded.” He nudges Dazai with his elbow, and smiles, blinking back tears “Thanks, though. For listening.”
Dazai nods, and Atsushi sees him process his monologue in real time. “Hmmm…” Dazai hums. “Well. Thanks for telling me.” Dazai stops walking, Atsushi walks a few paces forward before stopping to turn back to Dazai, who is standing still, his thumb and forefinger stroking his chin. “I know this might be obvious, but I’d like to be that someone in your life. If you’d let me.” Dazai’s gaze softens as he gently smiles. “In case you didn’t gather that much by me wedging myself into your journey home.” He walks up towards Atsushi, stopping only a few inches away from him. Dazai stands a head taller than Atsushi, so he has to crane his neck a little to look at him. They stand so close he can feel the warmth of Dazai’s body radiating from him. Atsushi’s heartbeat quickens. “So…?” Dazai trails off, “Would that be okay?”
Atsushi clears his throat and looks away. For some reason, tears well in his eyes again. He isn’t sure why someone so honestly wants to be by his side, but the offer alone brings a warmth to his chest that he hasn’t felt in a very long time. He feels Dazai’s hand on the top of his head, and he gives his hair a slight ruffle. “Don’t cry now.” Dazai says sweetly. “But if you do, my shoulder is free real estate.”
Atsushi chuckles in response, and leans his forehead against Dazai’s shoulder. He relishes in the warmth of the physical contact. Dazai strokes Atsushi’s hair for several moments in silence. “Thanks, Dazai-san.” Atsushi pulls back, and cranes his neck to look Dazai in the eyes. “I’d like that. For you to be someone in my life, that is.”
Dazai smiles widely, his hand dropping back to his side.
“In light of you opening up to me, I must tell you a particular truth – “ Dazai pauses. “I’ve been lying to you this whole time.”
Atsushi frowns up at Dazai, raising his eyebrows to signal him to continue his confession.
“I don’t even like coffee, honestly. I kind of hate it. I really just came in to see you.”
Atsushi bellows out a laugh, looking away to hide the slight blush coloring his cheeks. “Seriously? You know you could have just ordered a tea or something?”
Dazai ponders this for a bit, looking up to the sky – blue peeking out of the parting rain clouds. Atsushi feels even lighter seeing a glimmer of the blue sky, after days of consistent rain. “I guess. I just liked watching you do the barista thing.” Dazai begins to walk once again, but this time, his pace is slowed.
Atsushi shakes his head in amusement and follows. The pair continue to walk side-by-side.
“Hey Atsushi?” Dazai says, breaking the silence once again.
“Hmm?”
Dazai drapes an arm around Atsushi’s shoulders and draws him in a little closer.
“You know, with me here, you’ll never have to feel alone again.”