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hanseo doesn't think he's particularly outstanding, he doesn't really think he's outstanding at anything except hockey, probably.
so he isn't sure why chayoung and vincenzo stare at him the way they do.
they stare at him like they care for him in the way a lover does, they gaze at him like they love him and hanseo just can't seem to wrap his head around it.
the worst part is, he himself loves them, craves the affectionate glances and kisses the two lawyers exchange with each other, craves their pats and praises the way an abandoned dog craves affection, and maybe, in a way, it's an accurate description.
hanseo doesn't get it, doesn't understand why they would love him, why they would want him.
hanseo isn't an inventor, or scientist, but he isn't as stupid as his brother made him out to be. he knows he doesn't deserve forgviness from anyone in geumga plaza or korea in general, he knows he has no part in vincenzo and chayoung's relationship no matter how much they try to include him, he knows that their looks are probably more akin to something friendly and that he's just convincing himself into thinking it's something else. so desperate for someone to love him, so desperate for affection that he builds up fantasies of romance and tenderness, builds lavish stories of knights and castles and evil kings only for it to come crumbling down like a castle of cards.
it hurts but he's used to it. and hanseo is happy for the both of them, he truly is, truly happy they both found each other and kindled a lifelong bond bound to last eons.
but maybe he wants in on that too, wants in on cold nights cuddled up to another warm body, wants soft kisses pressed to his temple as reassuring words flutter around him, like snowflakes falling down and coating the world around him. and maybe, just maybe, he wants to share those moments with a certain headstrong lawer and a (mostly) stoic consiglier.
-
seasons pass and hanseo finds himself taking an interest in gardening.
the feeling of plating something and watching it flourish makes him feel accomplished, like he's done something right. and maybe it's stupid, but hanseo feels a bit like a mother as he plants and cultivates these tiny little leafs and watches them grow. he thinks there's probably some metaphor or lesson in there about his own childhood.
but hanseo is good at deluding himself, he's so good at lying to himself that at some point he's began to truly believe that that's the only reason he enjoys gardening. hanseo enjoys watching sappling grow but he also enjoys distracting himself from his feelings. he occupies every waking hour with plants and seeds just to ease the pain, like some flimsy bandaid that barely even serves it's purpose anymore.
he plants and waters just to forget about the two lawyers who unknowingly hold his heart. he gardens to forget about the fact that said lawyers seem less inclined to spend time with him.
and hanseo knows they are both busy people, that just because he's no longer running babel that the two of them can't up and abandon their own jobs, that they don't revolve around him and have absolutely no obligation to entertain him. yet they seem extra distant, weekly traditions of eating together faded into the dark corners of their apartments, daily traditions of making coffee for each other gone just like nothing, their nightly talks of future plans and annectdotes completely erased from their little schedule. and maybe it hurts just a bit, like a gaping hole in his heart, and perhaps he's overreacting, but it's been 5 months and hanseo isn't sure how much more he can take.
hanseo had tried to reach out, reestablish these connections, these small daily rituals that brought so much joy to his life but no such luck, instead it always ended in a dismissive answer and a soft smile that hanseo could never get angry at.
hanseo stabs the trowel into the soft compost, his ratty t-shirt swaying around his frame as the wind picks up.
hanseo stands up determinedly and he understands. he understands that he has to move on, he understands that he's tired of getting left behind and that standing in place twiddling his thumbs and simply hoping does nothing.
so if he has to deviate from his original path, he will.
-
vincenzo and chayoung both notice a change in hanseo's behavior. first off that he no longer spends his free time in jipuragi lounging around like a huge dog waiting for their owner to finish their work, secondly is that he no longer spends that much time around geumga plaza, more often than not leaving at noon and coming back at night looking pleased and content, third is that hanseo no longer really does any of their little rituals.
and maybe that's kind of (fully) their fault but it still feels off to them.
chayoung says that hanseo is probably just spreading his wings, and vincenzo agrees, yet a small part of him feels like they are losing hanseo, to what, he isn't sure yet.
chayoung calls him paranoid yet he himself can see a certain nervousness in her whenever hanseo comes back smelling of unknown scents, expensive cologne and smiling widely.
the thing is, they both love hanseo, they truly do love him.
loving hanseo had been a turbulent affair, at least for vincenzo, to chayoung it had been as easy as 1 2 3.
chayoung has always been overflowing with affection and had a penchant for cute things. hanseo had fit right in, like a lost puzzle piece.
for vincenzo it had been a different story. hanseo at first had stood for everything wrong with the world until he didn't, until vincenzo had realized hanseo indeed stood for everything wrong with the world but not in a cruel, dark way, but in a broken, sad way.
and it had been like thay until hanseo had stood for a friend and eventually love interest. chayoung likes to laugh at vincenzo whenever he expresses this thought process, likes to call him out on his "sappy bullshit" but deep down vincenzo knows she's relieved that he too likes hanseo.
a loud laugh interrupts both of their musings causing them to stick their heads out the office door.
in front of them stands hanseo, head thrown back as a beautiful laugh graces his face, a hand clutching onto the sleeve of some unknown man's jacket, said unknown man smiling too.
they both watch as hanseo leans into the man's shoulder, giggles bursting through those pretty lips as the man, smiling, wraps a arm around hanseo's waist.
chayoung coughs loudly, loudly enough to have hanseo break away and direct a smile towards them. the unknown man stands awkwardly, arm still casually thrown around hanseo's waist, drawn to it like a moth to a flame.
chayoung feels her eyes narrow as she observes the man's fingers untucking and tucking the hem of hanseo's shirt from his pants.
"who's this hanseo?" vincenzo asks amicably, a smile plastered on his face.
they watch hanseo's mouth make a small "oh" before he detaches himself and gestures towards the man.
"hyung, noona, this is jihun, jihun that's chayoung noona and vincenzo"
both lawyers incline their heads stifly, fake billboard worthy smiles plastered on their faces as jihun bows back.
and jihun, jihun is a handsome man, tall and lean, charming smile with striking eyes that turn into crescent moon's when he smiles. and vincenzo hates it, hates it with all his heart.
they both watch as hanseo stands straight and whirls around, taking jihun with him as he throws out a half hearted goodbye towards their direction.
and logically, hanseo isn't theirs, he isn't a part of their romantic relationship, they have absolutely no right to stake a claim over him, but nonetheless it still stings.
and maybe a small part of them guesses it would be better to let hanseo go, let him explore the world he was depraved of, let him spread his wings and blossom into himself, let him forge new relationships of love and intimacy with people his age and away from the comfort of geumga and everyone in it.
but humans are selfish and god spares no exceptions.
-
hanseo wants to cry.
he's doing it again, he's committing the same mistakes over and over like a broken record tape unable to pause.
seo jihun had seemed like a good idea at first. meeting new people was always good for moving on, according to miri at least, and so hanseo had set out towards the city center.
seo jihun had been easy to talk to, easygoing and charming with a loud laugh that would make even the grumpiest people smile. at first it was just talking, getting coffee and laughing at stupid jokes but slowly it evolved into something more flirty, a lingering touch here, a heated gaze there.
and hanseo, like the stupid person he was went for it, kissed jihun on the sofa of his apartment, hands roaming those broad shoulders as a mouth trailed down to his neck, red marks blooming on his skin. he closed his eyes and believed it was chayoung's mouth and vincenzo's hands, he closed his eyes and instead of feeling jihun he felt vincenzo and chayoung.
something snaped in him. he's doing it again, he's once again deluding himself, distracting himself with something else, using someone else to sort out his problems. and it's wrong, so wrong, because jihun doesn't deserve this, and neither does he.
so with a soft sigh he had pushed himself away from jihun's confused face.
jihun had left soon after hanseo explained. a slightly pained expression had washed over jihun's expression and hanseo truly felt bad, but he couldn't do this, can't do this.
hanseo sits on his couch and wonders out loud. he wonders about love, wonders about pain and sadness, about habits and promises, he wonders about change and what it brings.
hanseo promised himself he would change, promised himself to snap out of it and quit pushing his problems into the corner of his mind like a musty old box of personal belongings from centuries ago. he had explicitly told himself he would walk forwards, would use his own two feet to move on and deal with his demons on his own and yet here he is, broken and beaten down once again, bad habits he swore off crawling back into his system and maybe it's not such a big deal but hanseo feels so helpless.
and this all started with a crush, hanseo thinks miserably.
vicnenzo and chayoung bring out the good in him, yet they also bring the ugly and dark, and maybe that's true love.
perhaps true love isn't chocolate boxes and sweet notes, but instead the good and the bad one brings out in the other, the light and darkness, like demian and sinclair in a way. maybe true love isn't the why, when or how but the soft intimate act of different souls melding into one, of a pair of hands becoming one, of voices intertwining in laughter and anger.
ah, hanseo thinks dazedly, i could become a writer.
-
seoul isn't particularly quiet, from bustling markets, busy roads and loud busking performances.
seoul is anything but silent.
so why is it so quiet, hanseo thinks.
hanseo sits in jipuragi along with the couple, steaming coffee mug clutched between his palms.
the silence is stiffling and hanseo isn't sure why or how.
he would wager that it has to do with his avoidance of the two lawyers for the past 3 weeks but with vincenzo and chayoung one can never be sure, especially since it's been about 7 months since they hung out like friends, no paperwork or snooty elites binding them together.
hanseo sighs, a tired and defeated thing.
"are you ok? do you need to rest?" asks vincenzo immediately.
chayoung stares at him, eyes filled with badly hidden concern. "stop pestering him vincenzo"
vincenzo stands and places a gentle hand on his nape, his face painted in a frown.
and there it is, the concernd gazes, the soft words and even softer touches.
and maybe this is indeed love.
"please stop" whispers hanseo, voice as small as possible.
vincenzo and chayoung both turn to look down at him, both their stares filled with every emotion ever except anger and it makes him want to burst, makes him want to cry and sob because he doesn't deserve this, he doesn't deserve this patience and affection. he's an accomplice in murders, he's stained and ugly, scars hidden behind layers of fabric purposefully placed on to never reveal them.
and hanseo had spent his whole life believing so, believing that he deserves nothing good simply because he's no longer a untainted porcelain doll left in it's packaging. but then in came two lawyers and without any regard, swept him up in tides of emotions.
and hanseo bursts, like a pipe with too much pressure.
"please stop, this is cruel"
hanseo feels chayoung place a hand on his knee and squat down at eye level.
"what's cruel seo-ah?" she asks, that soft voice ripping through his last defenses.
"you two, you two are cruel, making me fall in love with both of you" hanseo gesticulates wildly, tears streaming down his face silently. "and i know i can never have this, i know I'm not worthy yet a small part of me longs for it like a sunflower reaching for the sun"
hanseo covers his face, tucks it against the crook of his elbow and shakes silently as hiccups find their way past his lips.
a pair of arms wrap themselves around his hunched form and rub soothing patterns against his back.
"hanseo, can you look at us?" comes vincenzo's voice.
hanseo raises his head slightly, vision blurry and cheeks wet.
"ah, how should i say this"
hanseo let's out a hollow laugh, this is it, this is the moment he's been dreading, the moment his world comes crashing down and maybe it's for the best, maybe if he hears the rejection from their mouths he can-
"we both love you too" comes vincenzo's firm voice.
hanseo feels himself still.
"to tell the truth, we've loved you for a long time and liked you for an even longer time" says chayoung, her hand still rubbing circles against his back.
and at that moment everything he's been feeling comes crashing down.
-
hanseo doesn't think he's particularly outstanding, he doesn't really think he's outstanding at anything except hockey, probably.
he does, however, know that chayoung and vincenzo love him.
they love him in their own ways, from big to small gestures, from hugs and kisses to freshly made food and fond glances. they love him in the way lovers do, they fill their gestures and actions with love and care.
they mark him up as theirs, from a hickey on his neck to finger shaped bruises on his hips.
hanseo is in love and the best part is that he's loved back.