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Absence, people say, makes the heart grow fonder. Always, Angela has thought that a rather silly phrase. From what she had observed, in her life day to day, absence bred distance instead, created chasms in understanding between two people where before there were none, their worldviews and lived experiences having diverged insurmountably during their period of separation. Then, she did not know what it was to weave one’s life around another person’s, to incorporate them in a thousand little ways in one’s rituals day to day, did not know what it was to live with a person she loved, to the point where, even in Fareeha’s absence, her brain expects that any minute now, her partner will walk through the door.
It should bother her, she thinks, how attached she has become to Fareeha, should be an affront to her sense of independence, her stubborn need to never rely on another person, born of a lifetime of loss. It should feel dangerous, should feel like a threat, the knowledge that someday, something will separate she and Fareeha, should be something she wants to protect herself from, as she has in the past. It should be enough that she ends this, so that she can deal with the pain under her own control, rather than risk being hurt later, when she is not prepared for it, and be brought low by such a loss.
Should, should, should.
But what of what is?
The truth is this: Angela does not want, anymore, to lose out on happiness, on love, for fear of someday being hurt. What joy Fareeha brings her now is worth any pain. So she lets herself grow used to it, to having Fareeha around, comes to trust and expect that Fareeha will always be nearby. There is a comfort in that feeling, that knowledge, even if she knows that it is little more than her neurons being efficient—because Fareeha is so often here, it is simplest to assume she will be. Even when she is gone, therefore, it feels like she is only a room away, like at any moment, Angela might wander into the bedroom and find Fareeha lounging in bed, reading her latest book.
It is not relying on Fareeha, exactly, is not dependence. It would hurt, if they ever broke up—would hurt even worse if Fareeha were to die before her—but eventually her neural pathways would reconfigure themselves again, and come to expect Fareeha’s absence, would no longer give her that feeling that Fareeha is right nearby. She would survive it, she knows, would not be unable to function without her partner, for Fareeha, although supportive of her in all ways, is not the sort of partner who takes on too much of one’s burdens, does not expect Angela to restructure her life around her. And, indeed, Angela has not, has integrated Fareeha into her existing rituals, rather than creating new ones, just as Fareeha has done with her. They are, both of them, independent women, who need their space to breathe, and to be themselves, who want a relationship that supplements their existing routine, rather than supplanting it.
More than anything else, it is that which reassures Angela. All her life, she has feared relying too much on other people, feared losing them and being unable, afterwards, to go on living, a fear resulting directly from the terrible disruption her parents’ deaths caused in her childhood, wherein everything about her life changed in a single afternoon. She does not want to be dependent upon anyone, never has wanted it—and, fortunately, Fareeha has never asked that of her, has never even offered such an arrangement. It seems that Fareeha wants what she does: that the two of them should continue their lives in much the same way they always have, very little about their routines changing other than that they now split chores, and pursue their more solitary hobbies side by side, in amicable silence. Cohabitation, over the past year, has caused no great disruption in either of their lives, as their schedules are quite complementary and they spent more than enough of their evenings together even before they were a couple. It has been, rather than a great change, a series of small shifts, little accommodations, subtle differences in the order of things. That is good, is important. After so long alone, Angela thinks that changing herself for another person would be suffocating.
Fortunately, it seems that Fareeha feels that same, seems that she, too, would hate to change too much of herself. So they exist together, but not as one. It is good, to be discrete people, not entangled in one another’s lives so much as flowing through them. Angela makes space in her routines for Fareeha to join her, but does not change them all too much, and for her, Fareeha has done the same, has extended an invitation for Angela to join her on morning runs, or her Saturday afternoon hikes, and sometimes, although not often, Angela has taken her up on that, just as Fareeha occasionally joins her in watering the base’s plants, or taking midafternoon walks to gather her thoughts, in silence. They are able to breathe like this, to remain themselves, to not be too enmeshed even as they find themselves leading intersecting lives. It is a good thing.
Still, for all that they have made an effort to stay individuals, Angela has grown rather accustomed to having Fareeha around, at the very least, has come to expect that her partner will be home in the evenings, and here with her on Sunday afternoons. As good as Angela is at entertaining herself, with Fareeha away on a mission for the eighth consecutive day, she is forced to admit that she is having a rather lonely weekend. If Fareeha were here, it is likely that she would still be doing the same thing she is now, catching up on emails and the like from old colleagues and friends, but she would be doing it with Fareeha here, across from her. Somehow, her silent presence would make all the difference.
It should rankle her, the domesticity of it, of longing for someone just so that the two of you can do nothing together, is anathema to the way she lived much of the rest of her life, but here, now? It feels right, feels the logical conclusion of all that has come before in their relationship. As much as Angela does not want to rely on anyone, does not want her happiness to depend on anyone else, for fear of losing them, and in so doing, losing herself, it is not really relying on Fareeha, to miss her so, is only the result of her mind expecting her partner to be there, and a nagging awareness that Fareeha’s presence enhances her life. It is not pining, or anything like it, is only a little loneliness, the result of a break in her routine. She finds it tolerable, even if her younger self would very much disapprove.
(In fact, her younger self not only avoided this sort of relationship, she outright pushed away anyone who sought to grow to close to her. It seemed impossible to her, then, that she should ever be at ease in loving anyone, not when she knew what it was like to lose a loved one suddenly, not when she carried with her still the knowledge of just how quickly a life can end, and the excruciating aftermath that dogs those left behind. To love is to open oneself up to the potential for grief, and that was, to her, an unacceptable outcome. She thought that she could not, would not survive it. The Fall taught her otherwise, as her whole world collapsed on her yet again, and she lived, she did, but she did not always want to, and she lost, with it, her ability to trust anyone, for a good long while, as it showed her that people would not only be lost to her in death, but might, too, abandon her intentionally. Once, Cole was her best friend, and he calls himself such still now, but a part of her has yet to forgive him for leaving, back when the original Overwatch was collapsing in on itself. It was, of course, his choice to make, but she wishes he had told her, beforehand, wishes he had asked her, too, to leave, even if she would have refused. Instead, he left her without a word, left her to deal with the fallout, just like everyone else, and only got in contact again after her testimony before the UN. So trust is difficult, for her, always has been, and that inability to trust has bred, too, difficulty in loving.)
She is not the woman she used to be. Loving Fareeha, she thinks, has not changed her overmuch, rather she needed to change in order to even reach this point, where she is in a relationship at all. When and how that happened, she is not certain; at some point, during her time in MSF, she realized that she had lost everything, when Overwatch fell, and survived it, had experienced the very thing which she feared for so many years, and had made it through to the other side. Although she is not the same woman she was, before the explosion, she is nonetheless still herself, despite losing the people she loved, her home, and her career, all at once. Just as when she lost her parents, she had to begin her life anew, lost everything all at once, and it hurt, it did, but it did not break her, like she feared it would, instead made her into the woman she is today. Changed, but still here.
If everything were to change tomorrow, she could survive it. She knows that now. Before, she did not think she could, did not think she would, at certain points, in the months immediately following what happened, but she has done so, will be able to do so again. That is enough, for her, to know that she can risk loving, because she knows, now, that she is enough to make a home for herself, that she can find purpose wherever she goes, and can find happiness too, that she will be able to survive grief, and loss. Although she loves Fareeha, and dearly so, it is not the totality of her being, nor does Fareeha want to be.
(A younger version of herself, she thinks, would not have accepted that either, would have wanted everything from a lover. Even when she pushed people away, she was so, so desperate to be loved, to be cared for, in a way that she had not been since she was a child, and it made her hungry, for love, for touch, for attention, in a way that no single person could satisfy. She did not realize that what she needed most was love from herself, compassion for herself, did not know that to cultivate such would make her more fulfilled, less lonely when she was alone, and instead she sought it from other people. But no one person can be everything for another, and when people could not give her all wanted from them, she took it as a rejection, as a sign that she was not worthy of being loved, not like she wanted to be. That version of herself would not be happy with the sort of love Fareeha gives her, supporting her through her struggles, but never solving her problems for her, being a lover and a friend and confidante, but encouraging her, too, to maintain and foster her friendships with other people. As much as her younger self feared attachment, she wanted, too, to be smothered, and she is so grateful that she knows, now, better than to want that, has found herself in a place where she can be loved as the woman she is, can be still herself, an individual who is in a relationship, rather than one half of a pair.)
It is a good place she finds herself in, here and now, is far better than she ever imagined for herself, able both to stand on her own and to accept love, when it is presented to her. Certainly, she is far better off, now, than she ever imagined she might be. It is a strange thing to realize, given the turns her career has taken, and the fact that she finds herself a member of a highly illegal paramilitary organization—but it is true. She is far happier, now, than she has been before, is able, too, to sustain that happiness on her own, and finds herself contented even when she is not working, is able to accept that her joy has value, that her taking time to cultivate a relationship, and her hobbies, is not wasting time she could have spent researching, or providing medical aid to those in need. Reaching that conclusion has been difficult, for her, but she has done so, has come to realize that she was not truly living her life, before, and worked to slow down, to stop and to enjoy herself, when she can. There is value in her happiness, in her life, regardless of what she contributes to others. For her to feel as she does, to spend the time she does with Fareeha, is not selfishness, is just a part of being human.
If she misses Fareeha sometimes, that is an acceptable price to pay. It is not so bad that she cannot enjoy her day, is not stopping her from doing her work, or attending to her tasks, is just a niggling awareness that someone who is usually by her side is absent. That, she thinks, is tolerable, and more than fair. Her brain is used to Fareeha being here, wants to fill in the gap where normally her partner would be. Anyone would feel the same, faced with the absence of a person whom they spent considerable time with every day. If anything, it is a good sign, this feeling, shows that she feels bonded enough to Fareeha that she has accepted, on a subconscious level, that her partner has a place in her life—but that her absence is not overly distressing, nonetheless. It feels, to Angela, like the right balance, just enough wanting to make her appreciate what she has when Fareeha is here, without being so much that it is overpowering. It makes her keenly aware of just how accustomed she has become to Fareeha’s comforting presence, and the fact that it feels right and proper that her partner should be here, today and every day.
And that is quite the thought, Fareeha with her every day. It sounds like a commitment, the likes of which she has heretofore never considered. It sounds like marriage.
Out of instinct, she nearly rejects the notion. While marriage may be all well and good for some people, Angela is not the type, never has been. If anything, she is married to her work, does not want to be tied to any one person, needs to feel free to leave when she likes, should her duty demand it of her. She cannot do that with a spouse.
Or—can she?
Fareeha, too, puts her duty before anything, which is why she is out in the field at the moment, and has been for the past week. If ever there were anyone who might understand Angela’s need to work, how integral her job is to her identity, it is Fareeha, who has thus far tolerated all of Angela’s late nights and early mornings and the fact that Angela refuses to go more than 30 minutes’ drive from base on dates, insisting that it is the distance allowed during an on call shift, and lacking another physician on base, she is always technically on call. Sometimes, Fareeha will ask that she remember to come home earlier than her usual, if she can, but it is often for a good reason—one of those reasons, admittedly, being that Angela needs more rest—and she is not angry if Angela says that she cannot do so, understands that sometimes, work will feel more important, and some days, Angela needs to focus on it in order to feel right with herself, to feel whole. Sometimes, too, Angela asks the same of Fareeha, and most of the time, Fareeha complies, but sometimes, she, too, deems work more important, and Angela understands.
So her work, she thinks, her overworking, would not actually pose much of an issue, were she to marry Fareeha. For both of them, their careers are, on occasion, a higher priority than their relationship, and that is alright, because they feel similarly in that regard. There has not been conflict about that yet, save for once, and it was solved ultimately by a discussion as to why Angela felt the need to work late so often that week, other ways in which she might address those feelings, and a promise from Angela that she would try. To assume that things will continue to go well, in that arena, is not so unreasonable.
But what of the second part? What of the need to be free, to be able to leave if she likes? After the last Overwatch, Angela has been terrified of tethering herself unduly to any one thing, to any one place, and marriage is nothing if not a tethering. If anything, it ought to scare her, the idea of committing herself to Fareeha, yet it does not. For the first time in many years, she finds that she feels comfortable with the idea of settling down in one place, admits, privately to herself, that she has already. Yes, she could leave the Recall should she choose to, but at present, she cannot imagine a scenario in which she would choose to do so, and given Fareeha’s command position within Overwatch, she doubly cannot imagine a scenario in which she feels negatively enough about Overwatch to leave and yet wishes to remain in a relationship with Fareeha.
She trusts her partner to lead them, and lead them well, trusts that Fareeha will not do anything she finds unconscionable—for, after all, she would not be in a relationship with Fareeha in the first place if she believed her capable of such things. For so long as Fareeha leads Overwatch, she imagines it will be a place she feels comfortable staying. Given how adamant she once was that she would never return to the organization, not for any reason, it is a disconcerting thing, to realize that she once again feels loyal to them, but it is different, now, is not blind loyalty to Overwatch the organization, is instead belief in their leadership.
(With Jack, she never quite had that. She liked him well enough, and Ana too, but was still all too often at odds with his goals, and was unafraid of saying as much. With Fareeha, it is different—she likes her partner, but moreover, she often agrees with her approach to things, and feels, too, that what objections she has to Fareeha’s way of doing things are handled with appropriate care, rather than being dismissed. Fareeha has earned her trust, her respect, in a way Jack never quite did.)
Staying, therefore, is something she can stomach after all, and the commitment that comes with it. And, indeed, if she wanted to leave, she rather suspects that Fareeha would allow her to, would understand, if she had to go because she could not stomach staying, or because her work called her away. Fareeha knows what it is to be guided by a sense of duty, and to stick firmly to one’s principles, has told her already that she would respect it, if Angela decided to go elsewhere—even if she hopes that never comes to pass.
So what is stopping her, then, from getting married? Not her work, not her desire to be free to leave—for if she wanted to, she could—and not her disposition, not anymore, for she is not the woman she once was, who could not handle love with any moderacy, wanted all of it or none at all. Without that, what is holding her back?
Nothing, she realizes, nothing at all. If she married Fareeha tomorrow, it would not change a thing about their relationship, save for the title, because she is already committed, in her heart, has already decided to stay here, with Fareeha, for the foreseeable future, and cannot imagine, trying to think of it now, a realistic scenario in which she decides she is better off elsewhere, not while she is with Fareeha.
Absence has not made Angela any fonder of Fareeha, for she doubts that she could be fonder than she is already, but it has made her aware, suddenly, of Fareeha’s place in her life, made her aware that she wants them to be more than they are now, two women living intersecting lives. She wants them to be wives.