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Maybe he was just tired of hiding, maybe it was because of how supportive Mingyu had been, or maybe it was just the idea that having more hands to hold in moments he needed comfort wouldn't be a bad thing, but Chan was finally tired of hiding. Chan had just finished unpacking from tour, his last vile of testosterone sitting on his desk, next to the new, empty sharps container. For some weird reason, Chan just didn't have the energy to move either back to where he usually stores them in the bathroom - it felt like once he hid those items again he was also hiding himself away.
"Channie, can I come in?" Mingyu called from outside of the door. Chan doesn't even know why he asks anymore, this is practically his room, too. The two of them definitely spend more time in here, not wanting to invade Wonwoo's space as well - Chan is sure Wonwoo is probably the most happy about his and Mingyu's relationship, that asshole.
"Yeah." Chan's voice came out weakly, eyes still focused on the materials on his desk.
The door creaked open, Mingyu's feet gently padded against the carpeted floor until he reached Chan where he then moved to wrap his arms around the youngers waist, pulling himself into his space, resting his chin on Chan's shoulder. "Everything okay?"
"I think I need to tell them," Chan whispered, gripping tighter to the hands wrapped around his waist. "I'm ready to tell them." The words were shaky but sure, Chan was ready to finally make this step in his life.
"Okay," Mingyu took in a deep breath. "Okay, whatever you need me to do to support you, I'm here." Mingyu placed a quick kiss to Chan's cheek before pulling back to look at the others face. "You are still the coolest person I know, and I am so proud of you." Mingyu mimicked the words he had told Chan the day he found out.
"I love you." The words were wet as tears started to fall down Chan's cheeks.
"I love you, too." A soft peck was placed to Chan's lips as Mingyu wiped at the tears on the others cheeks.
— — —
Chan had suggested they all make a trip out to his eomma and appa's for dinner, claiming the two missed the crew of idiots and wanted to feed them - in actuality Chan knew the only way he was ever going to be able to do this is if he is surrounded by the three people that support him the most in the place he feels the safest. It hadn't taken much to convince the others, they were so excited to finally get to see Chan's childhood home, plus they were never ones to pass up free food.
The week leading up to the dinner Chan felt more nervous than he had that first day he stepped into Pledis - into that practice room filled with strangers, worried everyone would immediately know the secret he was desperately trying to hide. This was it. He was finally pulling back the blackout currents, was finally letting the light in. All he hopes is that it would be sunshine and not a thunderstorm that greets him on the other side of the window.
Days seemed to pass faster than they ever had. When Chan woke up on Saturday morning he swore yesterday was just Sunday night when he had finalized all of the arrangements with his eomma on the phone. Chan’s body felt clammy, a slight shake to his hands the entire morning as he got ready, fighting to keep down whatever he had eaten the night before (Chan tried to recall what it was, but the panic had already set in so hard all he can remember is the distinct cardboard taste that filled his mouth - He would never tell Mingyu that, it would upset the boy so much.)
”If you aren’t ready, you don’t have to tell them today,” Mingyu reassured from where he sat on Chan’s bed. “You’re allowed to take more time if you need it.”
He could. He really could. Honestly, he could probably get away with never telling them. But these are the people that mean the most to Chan. Keeping this secret from them for so long is eating him alive. He can no longer stand to know if the people he loves the most would even love him in return if they knew his secret.
For his sanity, he had to tell them.
”Even if it kills me, I have to do this today, Gyu.” Chan’s words were shaky, nerves clear in them - fear clear in them.
Mingyu stood up, walking over to Chan as he grabbed onto his clammy hand. Chan was pulled into a silent embrace, head resting on Mingyu’s chest as the elder wrapped his arms tightly around the younger.
Even if this went horribly awry, Chan would still have his eomma, appa, and Gyu. He wouldn’t be alone in the end of this, and that was the last push he need to square his shoulders back, raise his head, and shake the nerves out of his head.
Chan can do this.
— — —
That confidence lasted until they all piled out of their cars into the front yard of Chan’s parents house in Iksan. Chan was sure he was either going to pass out, throw up, or literally die from a heart attack at this moment in time. Chan’s heart was beating so hard it felt as though it was physically going to bust out of his chest.
”Chan!” His eomma yelled, throwing open the front door and running towards he son. “Oh my baby! I’ve missed you,” She continued in a much too loud voice for the now close proximity she was to Chan as she covered the boys cheeks in those stereotypical cheesy, dramatic eomma kisses.
Chan’s cheeks blazed in embarrassment as the other members watched on trying to hold in their own laughter - well except for Mingyu. He had already experienced it once before and thought it was endearing (that disgusting sap).
Or at least he thought it was endearing until Chan's eomma shouted an equally loud greeting towards Mingyu, pulling his tall frame lower so she could reach his cheeks, smothering them in their own set of cheesy eomma kisses. Mingyu’s face quickly came to match Chan’s own red one as a look of surprise filled his face.
”C’mon, c’mon! Everybody inside, dinner is almost ready!” She turned to the rest of the boys, gesturing for them to follow her inside as she turned back towards the single story pale yellow home. “Chan-ah can set the table while the rest of you settle in,” She quickly added, making sure the first part was extra loud so Chan would hear her.
”And I hope you know that means you’ll be helping as well.” Chan sent a smug smile towards Mingyu as a small pout formed on his lips.
”As if I didn’t just hold your hand an entire car ride for emotional support - and this is the thanks I get,” Mingyu jokingly huffed through his pout.
”You’re such a dork, come on.” Chan tugged on Mingyu’s hand with a light giggle as the two finally made their way into the home. Chan shut the door behind him before adding his shoes the collection of other shoes by the door way.
If Chan didn’t already think he was going to throw up, he definitely would’ve when he heard the members questions as he finally stepped through the threshold.
”You never told us you had a sister, Channie!”
Chan doesn’t have a sister.
It was pictures of Chan as a little kid.
The wall was lined with tones of pictures of Chan throughout the years. One was from the day he was born, wrapped snuggly in the bright pink polka dot blanky his eomma bought, head topped in the pink hats they provided at the hospital. Another was Chan at his first ballet recital, soft pink leotard and thin tulle tutu around his waist, the bouquet of daisies his appa bought him was clutched tightly in his hands as he smiled widely at the camera, two of his front teeth clearly missing.
There was another of Chan on his tenth birthday, he had begged his eomma for this graphic tee with a dragon on it (Chan wanted to cringe so hard about what he thought being a boy meant at that age) and a black flat bill snapback. She was so apprehensive about it, saying that they were quite boyish, repeatedly asking if they were really want he wanted. When he opened the gift that day he cried so hard, he made himself sick - he never thought his eomma would get them for him. That was the day he had told his parents he was a boy. Chan’s tear stained cheeks with an extra wide smile, dawned in his new clothes behind a birthday cake glowing with burning flames stared at the camera. It was Chan’s favorite picture on the wall. If you looked carefully you could see where his parents had carefully scraped his birth name off the cake (which only resulted in more tears from a young Chan). His eomma had framed the picture in a special frame Chan had picked out (it was very heinous, covered in blue and green geometric shapes). She says that is the day her son was born, it’s an important day to everyone in his family - he really can’t believe how lucky he got with having such a supportive family.
But the cute, sappy, sentimental wall Chan’s parents have of their baby is not something he had exactly accounted for in this visit - specifically his members investigating it.
“Chan! Come set the table!”
Bless his eomma.
Chan fled the room before his members could ask him more questions, only finally breathing again once he was in the confines of the kitchen.
”I should have taken those down, I am so sorry,” She immediately started as the door closed behind him.
”No, no, it’s okay. I honestly didn’t think about them either,” Chan sighed. “I mean, at least the pictures will make a little more sense after dinner, right?” Chan’s laugh was tense, eyes not quiet meeting his eomma’s as he began to wring his hands together.
”I’m so proud of you,” She said, as she continued to move the dishes around on the table. “Even if you decided to never tell them, I would still be so proud of you.”
All she ever wanted was for her baby to be happy - something she is not sure he has the luxury of being often. She knows. She is the first person Chan calls when it feels like his entire world is falling apart, like everything is just too hard, that the life he wants is slipping from his hands. She knows her baby has had a lot of hardships in his life, and whatever makes the journey he is on the easiest it can be, she will support him. She is just proud of how strong and hard working Chan is. She is proud that he gets up and is able to just be him, and is able to live his dreams.
”Dinners ready, everybody come eat!” Chan called out. He didn’t know what he could say to his eomma in that moment with out absolutely breaking down.
As they gathered at the table (actually two tables pushed together) his eomma and Mingyu sat on either side of him, his appa sitting across from him. It felt as though they created a protective barrier around the boy, ready to block anything that could possibly harm him. Chan doesn’t know if he should feel comforted or worried that they have the same concerns in their minds that cloud Chan's own.
Dinner felt like a blur for Chan. Conversation buzzed around him, but he was unable to register any of the words. Everyone once in a while Seokmin’s piercing laugh would cut through the air, bringing Chan back to reality for a moment before his brain would immediately turn to fuzz again. Before he knew it, his eomma and appa both stood up, collecting all of the plates and utensils carrying them to the kitchen sink. Chan should’ve helped, the other members probably think he’s a bad son (who doesn’t help their parents out with so many guests around?) but he felt frozen to his seat, body filled with cotton, floating in some space away from that kitchen table.
The only thing keeping him grounded was the steady, warm hand Mingyu had placed over his own halfway through the meal.
As his parents sat back down at the table, conversation continuing in a lull around the members, Chan’s grip tightened on Mingyu’s hand. This is it.
Chan cleared his throat, gaining the attention of the others before he began to speak. “There is actually a reason I asked you all to come here today.”
”Oh my god, are you and Mingyu getting married?” Soonyoung gasped, hands slamming against the table.
Chan sent the other a leveling look at the same time Seungcheol began to quietly chastise him for interrupting. The boy closed his mouth in a comically dramatic way before slinking lower into his seat - successfully shamed into silence (Chan would need to thank Seungcheol for the help later).
”No, no, but it’s something very important.” Chan took a shaky breath, Mingyu giving his hand another squeeze of reassurance. He can do this. “I probably should have told you all about this a long time ago, honestly.”
Chan could see the confusion on the other members face, almost even a tinge of betrayal on some. He understood. They all really didn’t keep things from each other - hopefully they would understand.
”You’re not leaving the group are you?” Seungkwan had sniffled out. (Oh god no, if Seungkwan starts crying, Chan is not going to be able to get through this).
”Not unless you all want me to once you find out.” Chan’s voice was weak, barely above a whisper. At that Mingyu tightened his grip on Chan’s hand, as if saying ‘If you leave, I leave, too’.
”I actually need to grab something really quick,” Chan added, before standing up and making his way towards the family room before grabbing the photo of him at the ballet recital off the wall.
Chan didn’t say anything as he returned to the kitchen, setting the picture frame down in the middle of the table as he sat back down in his seat.
”Is it about your sister?” Chan almost wanted to laugh at the words as they fell out of Jeonghan’s mouth.
”I don’t have a sister.” His throat was tight, it felt as if the words almost wouldn’t come out. “That’s me.”
Chan held his breath as he waited for one of the members to say something.
”I think I know what you’re telling us, but I’m going to need you to spell it out for me, Channie,” Seungcheol spoke as he pulled the picture frame closer to himself, a curious pinch to his eyebrows.
”I’m trans.” His eomma’s hand reached to grab hold of his empty hand as the words left his mouth.
”And I’m assuming Mingyu got to know this before the rest of us,” Seungkwan huffed out, arms crossed, nose pointed upward. Laughter filled the air, immediately lifting any remaining tension - Chan’s mouth hung open slightly as the scene played in front of him.
”He absolutely did not mean to tell me. It-“
”Do not even think about telling that story,” Chan shrieked, hands breaking free from the two’s hold so he could cover Mingyu’s mouth.
”I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell us this, Channie,” Wonwo said with a smile from where he sat next to Chan’s appa.
”Okay, but,” Chan’s heart dropped as the words started to come from Soonyoung’s mouth. “That’s so not a small thing? How did you hide that from us? And for that many years?” He said completely dumbfounded. The cogs in his brain seemed like they were working extra hard in that moment - honestly, Chan was a little worried about him hurting himself.
”Soonyoung, you can’t just ask that!” Mingyu chastised. Chan’s eyes blew wide as the words left his mouth.
”Says the person that literally asked where my boobs are,” Chan howled at the ridiculous turn this conversation had quickly taken.
”He did not!?” Jeonghan gasped, eyes literally shaking in disbelief as he stared at Mingyu.
”If the overall situation wasn’t so traumatizing, I would definitely tell you all the story of how Mingyu found out just so you could all collectively shame his stupidity,” Chan responded through giggles, receiving a whiny ‘hey’ from Mingyu in response along with a slap in the chest from his eomma. “Ow! Eomma!” Chan pouted as he rubbed at the spot.
”Be nice, Chan-ah,” she warned. A slight smile tugged at her lips giving away that she also thought the situation was a little funny.
”This really does make so many things make sense,” Seokmin spoke, a tinge of guilt on his features. “Just, especially your avoidance when we lived in that first dorm, it makes sense.”
Chan sent a sad smile in Seokmin’s direction. It wasn’t their fault. They didn’t know.
”You must have felt so uncomfortable.” Seokmin quickly began to wipe at the tears forming in his eyes in an attempt to keep himself together.
”New rule,” Chan spoke. “No feeling bad about anything that has happened in the past. There were shitty situations, but now there are brighter days ahead… right?” Chan hesitated at the end, unsure if all of the members were actually as supportive of this as they seemed - worried that maybe he had misread someone’s reaction.
”Only the brightest for you, Channie,” Minghao spoke, standing up to give the younger a hug which Chan quickly stood up to return. The embrace quickly turned into a group hug that even quicker dissolved into a mush of praise and support for their maknae.
”We love you so much, Channie,” Seungcheol spoke, pressing a soft kiss to the youngers head from where he ended up beside him.
”I love you all, too.”
Chan’s heart was full and his chest was light.
Brighter days were ahead indeed.