Chapter Text
On one particularly cold winter night, Yeosang stood in the middle of the road, alone, staring at his phone.
Cold didn’t even begin to describe it. It was one of the chilliest days of the year - nearing the end of November. It was when the comforting Autumn breeze burgeoned into something more within a matter of days - the sharp winds cutting through his not-very-thick coat sent a tremor down his spine.
Fuck, Yeosang thought, as he tugged his coat closer to himself, squinting down at his phone. If it weren’t for the lampposts illuminating his way, he probably would’ve gotten even more lost. He zoomed in on the streets on his screen, tiny labels on the map slowly coming into vision. He looked up again to scan his surroundings - just to find out that he had been standing a street away from his destination. He sighed internally. He had never been great at reading maps - Wooyoung had always been the better one. Besides, had always moved between the same few places - school, his old company, and home. There was never really a chance for him to hone his map-reading skills.
Yeosang bit back a shiver, pocketing his phone, not needing it now that he knew exactly where his destination was. A few quick steps brought him in front of a pretty mundane-looking office building, with a convenience store at the entrance. If it wasn’t for the glowing sign a few levels above, he would never have guessed his new company was situated here.
KQ Entertainment, the sign had read. Yeosang didn’t waste any time, scurrying into the entrance of the building to escape from the harsh cold. Once indoors, he let out a big sigh of relief.
Yeosang unlocked his phone to check the time - 6:32 pm. He had not meant to be that late - but then again, the person-in-charge did not specify what time he had to be there. They only mentioned over the phone that it would be best for Yeosang to reach before dinnertime, so he could tour around the building and be shown to his dorms later at night.
Yeosang stepped into the elevator, still trembling from the cold. As he stood in an unfamiliar elevator, his brain began to register that he was no longer at his previous company. He was told that he was going to meet 5 other trainees - there was hardly any information that was withheld from him prior to coming here since the company was fairly small.
Familiarising himself with a new environment, meeting new people - new things to be learnt, to be critiqued upon. Yeosang would say he was a creature of habit - change was welcome, but it was definitely not something he thought he was very good at adjusting to. He thought about Wooyoung and the trainees back at his old company. I won’t be seeing some of those people in a long, long time, he realised. And to think that he would be meeting a whole group of new people in a matter of minutes brought on a weird mix of uninvited emotions that churned at the pit of his stomach.
The elevator finally stopped, and Yeosang stepped out, heading down the corridor. That was when the nervousness really began to bubble up in his chest - he had been too busy worrying about being late and finding directions the past hour to feel anything in his system.
Yeosang stood in front of the huge glass door outside the entrance of the company. He reached up, pressing the doorbell gingerly with his finger. The short moment in which he had to wait for someone to answer the door was nerve-wracking - he shifted from foot to foot in trepidation.
There was silence for a couple of seconds. Was there really nobody there? A pang of guilt hit Yeosang square in the chest for arriving late, for not searching the right directions before coming here. Hesitating a little before pressing the doorbell again, he leaned in closer in attempt to hear if there was any noise coming from the inside.
Just when Yeosang thought he was going to have to stand outside the company and wait for someone to return, possibly hours later, the door swung open with a force that could only be generated by someone that had a lot of strength.
Yeosang stepped back in surprise, as a tall boy stood in front of him, out of breath. His hair looked dishevelled as if he had just been in the middle of practice.
The boy didn’t look surprised to see Yeosang at all, eyebrows shooting up with an eager look in his eyes that gave away the fact that he had been expecting Yeosang.
“You must be Yeosang!” The boy stepped forward, extending his arm for a handshake. Yeosang took his hand, and the boy smiled at him good-naturedly.
“I’m Yunho. I was told that you would arrive today. The rest of them are out for a meal, I stayed back for a while just to clean up some moves. Have you eaten yet?” Yunho introduced himself, running a hand through his hair as he spoke. Yeosang was so focused on trying to figure out what to say next that he failed to notice Yunho reaching behind him for his suitcase.
“Oh! Don’t worry, let me take that,” Yeosang said in a hurry, turning around to put his arm on Yunho’s to save him the trouble.
Yunho shook his head. “No, you literally just arrived, you should get comfortable first,” He insisted, pulling Yeosang’s suitcase inside. Yeosang bowed slightly, grateful for the help as he stared down at his hands, numb from cold.
Yeosang entered, hands free now that Yunho was helping him move his things inside. He could see everything within the company at a glance - it wasn’t very big, and he could see the main practice room from where he stood. He thought back to his old company - the dark, looming halls that seemed to go on forever.
“Get yourself warm, I’ll see if the others are coming back later,” Yunho smiled reassuringly at Yeosang, who was standing awkwardly near the entrance still. Yeosang nodded gratefully. Yunho fished his phone out of his pocket, presumably sending a series of rapid-fire texts judging from the quick way his fingers sped across the screen.
A ping set off from his phone almost immediately, and Yunho walked towards Yeosang without lifting his head from his screen.
“The rest are out for a meal, and I’m planning on grabbing something too. Would you like to join? I don’t think they’re coming back to the company for the night, and neither are any of the staff, so official introductions will have to wait for tomorrow. Sorry,” Yunho looked apologetic, a sheepish grin on his face as he shrugged.
“No worries, that’s completely fine. And I’ve already eaten, you can go ahead if you want. Thanks for the offer though,” Yeosang turned down Yunho politely.
Yunho nodded. “How about I send you back to the dorms first instead so you can get some rest? Some of them might be home already, so they’ll help you settle in.” Yeosang agreed easily, but then a newfound feeling of anticipation and nervousness found itself within him as he thought about heading to a new dorm.
The walk back was about as comfortable as two near-strangers walking together could get. Yeosang’s shoes crunched uncomfortably in the snow, trudging through the muddy slush. Yunho tried his best to talk to Yeosang, making enthusiastic small talk with him despite looking tired from the day’s practice.
“Do you listen to a lot of music?” Yunho prompted, and Yeosang tried to match his enthusiasm.
“Not really, but I do have a few artists that I like. What about you?” Yeosang yelled over the wind, teeth chattering.
The wind was roaring over their ears; and it was clear that the both of them would much rather have walked together in silence, bundled up in their coats. Nevertheless, Yeosang had been extremely grateful to Yunho for making the effort, though he didn’t have to do so. Even more so that Yunho had taken time out of his free time to help Yeosang settle in.
The dorm was located not far from the company - which saved Yeosang a lot of small talk.
As they stood outside their apartment, Yunho inserted his key into the lock, keychains jangling against each other. There were an assortment of keychains - mostly ones of puppies, one with a photo of him two other boys - one with shortly-cropped hair, and the other that looked just as tall as Yunho.
“You can just leave your shoes inside, next to the shoe cabinet,” Yunho gestured as he pushed open the door with ease.
Yeosang couldn’t help but to part his mouth slightly in wonder - he had never been inside a trainee dorm before. A sense of giddiness arose within him. This was his dream, and had been for a long time. In his previous company, only trainees that were in the confirmed debut lineup got a chance to live in the dorms. And now, he was in a dorm of his own.
Yeosang looked around - it was as organised as a shared living space between 5 teenage boys could be, but it wasn’t as bad as he had anticipated. There were framed photos and trinkets lying atop the cabinet, a sock strewn across the floor. Otherwise, the flat was mostly intact. It was cozy in a way that felt like home, which was strange considering that life as a trainee was something Yeosang always associated with instability and goodbyes.
Yunho sighed as he reached down to pick up the stray sock, muttering a name under his breath he couldn’t quite catch.
“Sannie! We’re home!” Yunho yelled out into the corridor. Almost immediately, a skinny boy around his height poked his head out from his door. The boy ran out, eyes bright with surprise when he noticed that Yunho wasn’t alone. Yeosang recognised him from the tiny photograph on Yunho’s keychain.
“Oh, you’re Yeosang, aren’t you?” The boy, who Yeosang assumed to be Sannie beamed at him, blindingly so. He was enthusiastic, but not like the way Yunho was - if Yunho had been like a large, energetic puppy, his energy would match that of a smaller-sized animal - maybe a kitten. He had a warmth to him that radiated from his very core, and Yeosang felt strangely certain that he would enjoy being blanketed in that warmth. Just like a warm mug of tea on a rainy day.
“I am. Nice to meet you,” Yeosang mustered up his best smile. San returned it with equal keenness, taking Yeosang’s hand in his. Yeosang noticed that his grip was not as strong as Yunho’s - just a light squeeze, but filled with energy nonetheless.
“I’m San, we’re so glad to have you here, you don’t know how long we’ve been waiting for another trainee to show up!” San laughed, a bright timbre. Yeosang felt his cheeks heat up in embarrassment, preening under the attention.
Yeosang found himself relaxing slightly against San’s hold. The initial awkwardness of being a newcomer seemed to have worn off a bit.
San frowned suddenly, gripping Yeosang’s hand a little more tightly with earnestness. “Have you guys been outside for long? You must be really cold. Are you wearing enough?” His voice was laced with genuine worry, and Yeosang felt a little bad that a near-stranger was showing so much concern towards him when he had nothing to give in return. Scratch that - it didn’t feel right calling San a near-stranger when he had his hand clasped between San’s, warming up by the second.
Before Yeosang was able to respond, San squeezed his hand excitedly.
“Come on in, I’ll make you some hot chocolate.” San leaned in to whisper that to Yeosang, like it was some shared secret between them.
Yunho piped up. “I’ll let you up on the offer. I offered to bring Yeosang out for dinner, but he has already eaten. I’m going to go quickly grab some food, so you guys hang out for a bit until Hongjoong, Mingi and Seonghwa come back, yeah?”
San sniffed, letting go of Yeosang’s hands to playfully shove Yunho away. “The offer was never extended to you! It’s for Yeosang only, we have just enough of the hot chocolate mix for two,” San quipped, a mischievous grin playing on his lips.
Yunho laughed at that, rolling his eyes. “Okay, okay. I’ll get going. Yeosang, make yourself at home,” Yunho says, not forgetting to emphasise yet again that Yeosang was now at home, with them. He appreciated the sentiment.
“Thank you, Yunho,” Yeosang made sure to say, grateful that he trudged through the snow and braved the harsh weather just to make sure Yeosang got to the dorms safe. Yeosang thought he could see the blush rise on Yunho’s cheeks, looking pleased.
San shooed Yunho out, poking at Yunho’s side as he put his shoes on. “Go, go. Yeosang and I will have fun without you. Won’t we?” Yunho groaned as Yeosang let out a laugh.
The pair watched as Yunho left the house, closing the door behind them.
San turned to Yeosang, the warm smile never leaving his face.
“Come on in, I’ll make the both of us some hot chocolate. We need to hurry before the rest come back, or they’ll definitely try and steal a sip of our drinks,” San ushered Yeosang into the kitchen, and Yeosang nodded, looking around.
Yeosang sat down on a stool at the kitchen counter, watching as San turned his back to fumble through the cupboards for the hot chocolate mix he had been looking for. San made a small noise of contemplation, standing on the tip of his toes to reach for the top cupboard.
Just as Yeosang began to wonder if it would be awkward for him to offer help to San, San turned around with a packet of hot chocolate mix in his hands, looking gleeful.
“Yeosang, could you pass me the kettle?” San spoke, pointing at the kettle next to Yeosang. San was quick to add: “Be careful though, I just boiled water right before you guys came back,” and Yeosang carefully reached for the kettle, passing it to San. San shot him a dimpled smile, grateful.
For someone sitting in a completely new place, in a kitchen that didn’t belong to him - he felt oddly at ease, like he could let his guard down. Yeosang let his eyes wander around the room. There were hints of the people who lived there littered all across the kitchen - fridge magnets with receipts stuck underneath, post-its pasted hastily on the fridge door. A half-consumed bottle of protein shake on the kitchen counter.
San returned quickly with two steaming mugs in his hands, placing one of them in front of Yeosang before settling down on a stool across from him. San’s arrival broke him out of his trance, and Yeosang whispered a quiet thanks.
San took a sip of his own drink, his eyes forming half-moons as he hummed at his mug in satisfaction.
“This dorm really isn’t much, but I hope you will become comfortable here,” San opened his mouth to say, cupping his hands around the mug. “I wasn’t really used to living away from home at first, but this place kind of became home over time.”
The room was warm despite the unbearable cold outside, the pleasing, sweet smell of chocolate wafting through the air. Yeosang stared at the remnants of unmixed chocolate powder at the bottom of his cup, swirling the liquid around in his mug.
“I think I will,” Yeosang said softly, looking up to meet San’s gaze. There was an unexplainable feeling in his chest that told him that this was a place in which he would find comfort. It didn’t matter that the wallpaper was wearing off a little, the kitchen counter a little too cluttered.
“I like your dorm. Does it always smell this nice?” This earned a laugh from San.
“Oh, it definitely doesn’t. And It’s your dorm now too, Yeosang.”
“You would fit right in.” He patted Yeosang’s hand encouragingly, with so much faith in his voice that Yeosang thought he ought to believe what he said to be true. Yeosang hoped it would be true.
They spent the next hour sitting in the kitchen, filling the silence with lighthearted conversation. San doesn’t ask about Yeosang’s life prior to coming here - he thought it was probably out of consideration and not wanting to pry for the sake of Yeosang’s privacy, lest he was uncomfortable with sharing. Yeosang was grateful that for the first time in a while, there was no onslaught of questions directed at him - Why did you leave? You could’ve been the next big thing! Did they kick you out? Was it too hard?
San mostly talked about dorm life and being a trainee here - who the other members were, what their daily routine was like. Hongjoong, their unofficial leader. Yunho, whom he’d just met - also the only person in their dorm who danced seriously when playing Just Dance. Mingi, Yunho’s best friend whom he’d known since high school - kind of lanky, same height as Yunho. And there was Seonghwa - who arrived just 3 days before Yeosang, and was still kind of shy. Awkward smile.
“Yunho is so cute. He’s like my honey rice cake. You should try squishing his cheeks some time,” San cooed, though sounding completely serious about the suggestion. Yeosang found it endearing that San talked so fondly about the rest of the trainees, some of whom he probably hadn’t met for very long.
It was easy being with San. When Yeosang reached for his mug to see it drained of its contents already, he found San sliding his own mug across the table towards him. San’s eyes were kind, filled with endless warmth. His expressions were not difficult to decipher - he laid his whole heart out in front of him, unabashedly. Yeosang had his mouth open, ready to thank San, when he shook his head - a flash of dimples on his cheeks. Don’t mention it. The remaining warmth from the mug fizzled pleasantly against his fingertips.
_______
Taking a huge swig of water from his bottle, Yeosang allowed himself to finally relax after the most dreaded event of the month - monthly evaluations. Once he went far enough down the corridor so that the practice room and the judges were out of earshot, he slumped down against the wall outside.
His first monthly evaluation without Wooyoung. He thought he had done well judging from the judges’ reactions. Oftentimes, the judges tried to remain neutral whenever they watched their performances, and not give overly-optimistic feedback. But he thought he saw one of the judges suppress a smile when he finished that complicated footwork, and received praise from the vocal teacher that his hard work indeed paid off.
It was odd, completing monthly evaluations without Wooyoung. Yeosang wondered what Wooyoung was doing now, without him around. Wooyoung would have completed his monthly evaluations two days ago. Yeosang figured that Wooyoung probably didn’t tell him about it because he had been so stressed preparing for it. After all, he had hopes of joining the final debut lineup at his previous company.
Yeosang leaned against the coolness of the wall, willing his shoulders to relax. Usually, Wooyoung went first, and he would wait outside the corridor for Yeosang to finish before leaving together to get chicken.
Yeosang’s finger hovered dangerously over Wooyoung’s contact on his phone. He tried to remind himself that that part of his life was now in the past. As time went by, and it slowly became apparent that Yeosang was not planning on staying, their goals shifted from let’s debut together, to let’s meet on stage instead. It was something they promised each other, but sometimes it hurt to say it out loud.
Yeosang became alert at once when he heard the sound of footsteps getting increasingly louder through the corridor. He realised he should probably leave, but stopped when a familiar mop of black hair appeared in view.
“Yeosang? What are you doing here?” San looked surprised to see Yeosang there, eyebrows raising animatedly. He rushed over to Yeosang, crouching down to kneel by his side. There was concern etched between his brows, hand immediately moving to pat Yeosang’s face gently. He searched all over Yeosang’s face for any sign of hurt or discomfort, as if he had just fallen from an accident instead of just singing and dancing a mere minutes ago.
“Hi, Sannie,” Yeosang managed weakly, turning his head to face San properly. Yeosang must have looked a shade too pale because as soon as he opened his mouth, San’s eyebrows furrowed deeper.
“Did… something happen during evaluations?” San immediately said, worried that something had happened to Yeosang judging from the sullen expression on Yeosang’s face. San cringed a little upon saying the word evaluations, as if he thought saying that word would elicit some kind of unpleasant reaction from Yeosang.
“No, no,” Yeosang was quick to deny, and San’s expression visibly eased. “I’m fine. It was fine. I think they really liked it,” Yeosang let himself say, willing his voice not to crack. San dropped his hand from Yeosang’s face to grip his arm in anticipation, waiting for him to continue. He seemed more thrilled about Yeosang’s happiness than Yeosang had been himself.
But when Yeosang doesn’t continue, San’s expression fell a little. “I have no doubt it went fine, but… you…,” San hesitated before saying. Yeosang stared down at his hands. There was no use in denying San when he could see right through him. There was a beat of silence that followed as San considered his next sentence.
“...You don’t have to tell me anything if you don’t want to,” San settled with saying, leaning into Yeosang’s side now that he settled onto the ground instead of crouching. He didn’t seem to mind that Yeosang was still sweaty. When he let go of Yeosang’s arm momentarily to shift into a more comfortable position, Yeosang found that he didn’t really want San to let go.
“I… don’t know,” Yeosang admitted, because he truly didn’t know what to say. He couldn’t quite figure out his emotions and turn them into actual words just yet.
San just nodded in understanding. Wordlessly, he shifted closer to Yeosang, looping his arm through Yeosang’s and dropping his head onto his shoulder.
They sat in silence for a while, and San didn't pry any further. Yeosang found that he didn’t mind the contact despite his forehead still being damp with sweat, body still buzzing with adrenaline from evaluations. With San’s warmth seeping through his side, he had half the mind to fall asleep, right then and there.
As if sensing that Yeosang had finally relaxed, San patted Yeosang’s knee with his other hand.
“How does chicken sound?” San doesn’t lift his head from Yeosang’s shoulder when asking. Yeosang had never told San about his old post-evaluation ritual with Wooyoung before - he hadn’t told San and the rest about Wooyoung much, period. They simply knew him as Yeosang’s best friend from his previous company - from scattered stories and anecdotes here and there. Yeosang felt something akin to affection fizzle through his entire being. It was as if San knew the way to his heart.
Yeosang turned to face San, braving the most genuine smile he could muster.
“Yeah,” Yeosang breathed. “I would really like that.”
_______
That day, Yeosang turned in for the night early.
Bone-deep with exhaustion, Yeosang crawled into bed sluggishly, barely having the energy to pull up the covers.
There was some muffled chatter outside - Yeosang thought he heard his name, satisfied hums coming from outside. He heard the word evaluation, but was too tired to try and piece together what the others were saying about him. He heard some shuffling about as they bickered over whose turn it was to wash the dishes.
Yeosang was about to fall asleep, floating between the weird limbo between being awake and not when he heard a soft click from the door being opened. Yeosang was just a light sleeper - the click wouldn’t have been loud enough to jolt him awake if he had been deep asleep. The person from the other side of the door had been trying to be as quiet as possible; not letting the door let out a single creak.
Yeosang didn’t have to be fully conscious and alert to know that it was San. He recognised San from the soft padding of his footsteps alone.
Yeosang felt the other side of the bed dip when San climbed in without noise, and Yeosang tried to stay as still as possible so he wouldn’t make San feel bad about waking him up. The warmth of a loved one was always welcome - the way San presses against his back a feeling he was not a stranger to.
Yeosang found himself painfully reminded of Wooyoung again at the worst possible moment - memories of Wooyoung jumping onto him while he lay in bed pretending to be asleep still clear as day, as if it was just yesterday that it happened. Wooyoung would tackle him, squeeze him until his lungs would burst. It left Yeosang wide-eyed in shock in the early stages of their friendship - but he learnt to brace himself for it.
He felt San snake his arms around his middle, searching for his hands before slipping his fingers through Yeosang’s own. He did so with practiced ease, an action so familiar to him that he could do so with his eyes shut. San held him ever so gently, but so fiercely protective, as if he was afraid Yeosang would slip through the gaps of his fingers and be lost to him forever.
San loved holding hands, touching them. He expressed his excitement, his anxiety, his earnestness through them; the most unfiltered version of his affection often displayed through his touches. A gentle squeeze paired with a soft turn of his lips meant You can do it, I believe in you!. A frantic grip until his knuckles turned white could only mean one thing - that he was trying his best not to let out a scream when everyone gathered together to watch The Conjuring for the umpteenth time.
Absent-mindedly, San traced little shapes with his thumb on the back of Yeosang’s hand. I’m proud of you.
Yeosang eyed their joint hands, feeling his eyes sting with the beginnings of tears. Just to have someone understand him, care for him, was more than Yeosang had ever hoped for when he made the decision to start a new chapter of his life at a new company. He only had the simple goal of befriending his fellow trainees, and to not have meaningless disputes with any of them. To just get along well. The past month had proven itself to be so much more.
San’s hands were a contradiction in their own. His hands were so soft, free of any sign of fatigue and weariness; but strong enough to hold the world in his hands - or so Yeosang believed. In that moment, having San’s hands wrapped around his own, Yeosang wondered if he would ever have the courage to reach out to him first. He had always been so close, but not quite there - what he hoped would be a supportive curl around San’s wrists right before a performance would fall short; landing on his forearm in a simple pat instead. When he and San lay side by side on the practice room floor, his fingers would linger an inch too close to San’s - but he would draw away before he could overthink the action.
He would let those hands drag him to the ends of the world, and he would gladly follow.
He felt San’s soft breaths hot against the nape of his neck, and he resisted the urge to turn around and feel it against his own cheeks instead. Feeling the familiar thrum of San’s heartbeat, he turned his attention to the erratic beating of his own.
Once he was certain San had fallen asleep, Yeosang shifted to his side to face him, heart thrumming mercilessly against his ribcage. He studied San’s face intently, something he would be caught dead doing in broad daylight.
San’s face was peaceful, momentarily free from the burdens of daily life. His lips were gently parted, slightly chapped. By day, those lips would move to form the make the most insightful remarks; the sweetest of compliments, most-needed words of comfort. You look good today! The corner of San’s eyes would crinkle, lips forming a smile that could rival the sun. On other days, he would pout at Yeosang before Yeosang finally indulged him in returning his hug. In slumber, they formed a slight pucker to suggest he was probably dreaming of eating something; lips moving ever so slightly. The faintest hints of fondness gnawed at Yeosang, as if forcing him to acknowledge it.
He was unbeknownst to the world, to Yeosang’s thoughts running wild in his mind. Yeosang found that the longer he stared, the tighter the knot in his chest seemed to tighten. The nagging feeling in his chest was like a time-ticking bomb - threatening to spill over, explode, ignite into flames. It was something Yeosang couldn’t quite place. He focused on the little spot on San’s nose, watching him stir softly in his sleep. Yeosang willed himself to fall asleep too - and soon enough, he let his eyes flutter shut, woes from the day forgotten as he breathed in the comforting aroma of San’s tangerine-scented hand cream.
Somewhere during the middle of the night, Yeosang would wake up to find the other side of his bed empty. He rolled onto his side, seeing that the still-warm space next to him was now occupied by a Shiba-Inu plushie. Yeosang smiled upon the realisation that the plushie had its covers pulled up, too, just like he himself had been moments ago. It kept him company for the rest of the night as its owner snored softly from the bunk above.