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“You can’t do it,” Taeyong sneers. “You’ll freeze, then you’ll explode.”
Jaehyun glares at him. The afternoon sun slips right through the living room blinds and hits his face at just the perfect angle. It makes Taeyong want to gobble his face whole. So fucking pretty. “You know what,” Jaehyun says, scooping some whipped cream from Taeyong’s berry mix shake with a finger. “You—” he boops him on the nose “—have so little faith in me.”
Taeyong’s gasp gets swallowed in a laugh. “You little shit.” He dips a finger into the whipped cream and retaliates, painting a white strike across Jaehyun’s cheek. So much for wanting to have a decent drink on a fine Friday afternoon.
The younger only chuckles, wiping the stain with the ball of his hands before licking it clean. Then he kisses Taeyong on the nose and cleans the whipped cream there, too. “You love me,” he coos. “And I love you.”
“Okay, Barney.” Taeyong rolls his eyes but he could feel the heat rushing to his cheeks. Earlier, he was a bit frustrated that none of their other members were home. He wanted to plan a mini surprise for Jaehyun’s birthday with Johnny and Doyoung, maybe Yuta, too. Now, he and Jaehyun have the place to themselves. Jaehyun turns into someone else when it’s just the two of them around, and Taeyong misses this version of him lately. The one he hides in front of others’ eyes.
“Just admit that I’m right.” Taeyong pokes him on the shoulder. “You can’t say you love me—”
“I literally just said that!”
“—in public!” Taeyong stares at him. “Jaehyunie, you panic with public displays of affection.”
“I don’t.” Jaehyun huffs and scrunches his nose. “We’re just not someone who can afford to show public displays of affection. So many eyes are watching us, hyung. We’re not exactly ordinary people.”
“So you admit it,” Taeyong says, unsurprised. “You can’t do it.”
“I can say I love you now, ” Jaehyun answers cheekily, lips stretched into his infamous dimpled grin as he leans in. “I love you,” he mumbles, giving his hyung a quick peck on the lips.
The older pouts, cheeks now tinged pink. “That doesn’t count.”
Jaehyun shrugs before taking a sip of his coffee. “Made you blush.” He smirks.
Taeyong groans, running his palms through his face as he resists the urge to smack Jaehyun in the face.
♡♡♡
Alright, the truth is Taeyong has never been a huge fan of PDA either. If he can choose the perfect way to love, he’d always go for intimacy. He craves the closeness, the confidentiality, the love that’s held so close like a well-guarded secret that only brave souls would come to know. It’s the kind of love he has with Jaehyun.
On busy days, they’d look at each other from across the room, let their gazes linger, share a smile, and have a silent conversation— I miss you. I love you. I can’t wait to hold you. Whenever Taeyong would spend a little too many hours in the studio and Jaehyun would be stuck on another schedule somewhere, there would always be a five-minute phone call, like a quick recharge— I miss you. I love you. I can’t wait to see you. At the end of the day, when their bones feel like lead and their minds have turned to mush, one of them would crawl into the other’s bed. Their limbs would tangle like dancing grape vines and they’d fall into a single, perfectly fitted piece, and they’d let themselves dive into a little world of their own where nothing, not even a meteor crashing through the earth, can touch them. Intimacy, like the one Taeyong always craves, the kind that makes him fold in on himself and turn his insides into a flutter of butterflies.
Taeyong loves the kind of love they have.
But.
He craves for some sort of declaration, too. And this one is a bit harder to admit outright, because Jaehyun is right. They can’t always afford it. They’re placed on pedestals and held up to unreal standards and they owe too much to it that they can’t afford to have it stumbling down. And so this craving, Taeyong suppresses. He forces it all to be okay.
Even if Jaehyun puts up a wall between them as soon as there are other people around, it’s okay. Even when he’d pull his hand back whenever it barely grazes Taeyong’s skin, it’s okay. Even when he won’t mention his name when people ask questions, even when he won’t look him in the eye, even when he’d change the story just to make sure he erases Taeyong in it, it’s okay. If there’s other people, it’s okay. It’s for them, so it’s okay.
It hasn’t always been like this, though. Jaehyun used to let him hold his hand in front of the cameras, even allowing him to pose with a kiss on the cheek. He didn’t use to lean away whenever Taeyong caresses his nape or find something else to look at whenever Taeyong glances in his direction. Hell, he even used to pull Taeyong into a hug, almost aggressively, as if he couldn't not have him close.
Taeyong isn’t sure when it stopped. It was more like a gradual thing, something you won’t notice in passing until it’s completely gone. He never really thought much of it. He always assumed it’s because Jaehyun had grown up and matured enough and he stopped wanting to play in front of the cameras anymore. There was a time when Jaehyun struggled to grow out of the image the company had assigned him. Maybe it’s because of that, too. Whatever it was, Taeyong didn’t blame Jaehyun. Nothing is safe from change after all.
But then he realized Jaehyun hasn’t really changed at all. Taeyong always likes watching clips from their fans, looking up video compilations, reading fan discussions. He’d see the tags, Jaehyun and Yuta, Jaehyun and Jungwoo, Jaehyun and whoever else. He’d watch the clips. Jaehyun hasn’t changed. Despite his sharpened jawline and the maturity in his eyes, he’s still the same cheeky dimpled boy who blushes with his ears and teases people endearingly. He still delivers silky smooth pick-up lines, does skinship as much as he wants, and says sweet nothings to just about anyone. He hasn’t changed. He just changed with Taeyong.
His Taeyongie hyung. The one he likes kissing on the mouth and on the neck and on the skin below his belly button. The one he unloads his burdens to, the one he allows to share his joys. The muse to his works. The love of his life.
With him, perhaps, it’s all a bit too real. The gazes, the touches, the gestures. With him, in front of everyone, it feels a bit guilty.
And it’s no one’s fault. Maybe they can blame the industry for its insanely high standards and the society for being unforgiving. But not Jaehyun. No. He means well. He’s only protecting them. He didn’t intend to leave Taeyong in the shadows of his life, to only love him behind the curtains. No. He’s loving him the best way he knows how.
And all of it doesn’t make Taeyong jealous of the others. Just… maybe like a tiny little bit.
…okay, kind of a lot, if he’s being really honest, because goddammit, he wants that, too. He wants to play with Jaehyun in front of the cameras. He wants to see him blush and crumble, to be at the receiving end of his flirty innuendos and to tease the fans just enough to make them type absolutely nothing sensical on their keyboards. He wants to be shown off. He wants Jaehyun to tell the world about the time they went to Jeju on a spontaneous weekend trip as easily and casually as their members talk about their own travels. He wants to be recognized as someone that Jaehyun adores.
But he can’t admit all that because it feels selfish. So he tries to lead by example. Maybe then, Jaehyun would notice.
He goes to Bubble again and reminds everyone what tomorrow is. Jaehyunie Day. Valentine’s Day. He tells everyone he got Jaehyun a great gift, something that’s definitely his style. He quickly follows through with several personal updates, even sending a photo of himself, just so fans won’t linger too long on the message he sent about his Jaehyunie.
Taeyong receives a text a few minutes later. It’s from Jaehyun. He’s probably read his Bubble already. They subscribed to each other as a joke a few months back. Taeyong didn’t renew his subscription because it’s pointless. Jaehyun texts him more than he logs into the app anyway. Jaehyun, on the other hand, never canceled his subscription. He’d get Taeyong’s bubbles and reply to him through text. Ultra premium subscription (boyfriend edition), Jaehyun calls it.
Taeyong is nervous as he opens the notifcation. Part of him thinks he’d get a scolding because Jaehyun has been publicly staying away from him even more than usual since the Studio Choom incident, when the cameras caught them a little too close, a little too intimate, a little too much to be dismissed as nothing even by unsuspecting eyes. But Jaehyun’s text only reads “what did you get me :))).”
Something in Taeyong’s chest flutters. “ nothing :p just a kiss,” he replies.
aaaaaah can i get it now? where are u? i miss you :(
hahaha im kidding tho? i’ll give you your gift tomorrow.
but hyung the kiss :(
god you’re so cute. can’t wait to see you tonight >< love you, baby!
♡♡♡
Taeyong manages to pull a mini surprise by himself. He bought a bento cake from the nearby cafe and some decorative icing. He wrote the greeting himself because he couldn’t be too careful. He made a mess with it, a pretty one, with too many streaks of pink and chocolate where he didn’t originally want them to be. The cake was too small and he ran out of space before he could write Jaehyun’s name, so he ended with happy birthday, jaeh. It’s fucking silly. He disguised the “h” as a heart. He loves it. Jaehyun does, too.
Taeyong entered the younger’s room at 11:56 pm. He popped a small confetti, promised Jaehyun he’d help clean it up later. He kissed him on the mouth, almost dropping the cake with all the eagerness. Taeyong greets him right after.
“I’m the first, right?” he asks with a wide smile and a bounce in his step.
“Yes,” Jaehyun replies, “but it’s technically not even my birthday yet, and Johnny hyung said that’s cheating.” The clock reads 11:59pm.
Taeyong snorts. “Since when did you listen to Johnny?”
“Since he told me to shoot my shot with you.” Jaehyun grins, eyes sparkling because he knows he’s won again.
Taeyong bites back a smile. He shakes his head and rolls his eyes, refusing to acknowledge just how wild Jaehyun’s effect on him is. He loads up for a retort but someone’s phone starts ringing, an alarm going off. It’s Taeyong’s. Jaehyunie Day <3, the screen says. “See, I even set up an alarm so I can greet you first,” Taeyong mutters as he turns it off. He looks at Jaehyun who was just returning his phone back to his pocket, too. “Happy birthday, baby,” Taeyong tries again, his hand grabbing onto the hem of Jaehyun’s shirt, pulling him close, almost subconsciously. “Does that count now? Am I first?”
“Actually…” Jaehyun scrunches his nose. “Mark texted me when your alarm went off.”
Taeyong groans. He tries to stomp away and sulk but Jaehyun pulls him by the waist, burying his laugh in the crook of his hyung’s neck.
“You’re still first, hyung,” he says in between his chuckles, planting reassuring kisses on the angle of Taeyong’s jaw, his neck, his shoulder. “You’re always first.”
Taeyong meets his gaze then his lips. “I’ll hold you to that.”
Jaehyun lets him go after making sure they’ve exchanged enough breaths between kisses to make his brain go hazy. Taeyong immediately grabs his phone, finds the adorable video he’s been saving from years ago, and takes it to Instagram. He tilts the screen away from Jaehyun’s view as he writes the caption. Happy birthday, he types. Then he hesitates. ‘Baby,’ he wanted to add. He’d fake innocence and let everyone blame it on the language barrier, let them bank on the idea that Jaehyun is still the maknae in Taeyong’s eyes. But it would be too much. He never calls the others that. Not Jungwoo, not Mark, especially not Donghyuck, that adorable little menace.
So he settles for ‘bro.’ It’s silly, but it’s safe. Taeyong giggles as he types it. Bro, like they only spend their nights together drinking beer and talking about basketball or whatever sport Jaehyun’s into lately. Bro, like they don’t sneak kisses in dressing rooms or moan each other’s name into hotel beds. I love you, bro, he imagines himself saying. Goddammit. He breaks into a laugh.
“What’s so funny?” Jaehyun asks from the other side of the bed, pouting as if he’s being left out.
“Nothing,” Taeyong says. “Check your phone then go to sleep. We have an early schedule tomorrow.”
He stares at Jaehyun silently, watches as his expression turns from indifferent to surprise to anxious to amused in just a matter of seconds. Taeyong waits for any dissatisfaction, just in case it comes. Maybe a request to take it down or a conversation about risking too much. But Jaehyun just looks at him with a slight frown and a smirk. He doesn’t say anything for a while, just turns off his phone and puts it back on the nightstand.
So Taeyong keeps his silly thoughts to himself, still unsure if the silence is a good thing. He kisses Jaehyun on the cheek but the younger turns his head to meet his lips. Taeyong smiles. “Goodnight, Hyunnie.”
“Goodnight, bro, ” Jaehyun replies and Taeyong falls into another laughing fit once again.
♡♡♡
Taeyong crashes on the couch in the lounge area, drained after completing yet another video fansign event. There’s a weird sort of energy they get from talking to the fans this way, like how you feel going home after seeing your closest friends you haven’t met in a long time, a good kind of exhaustion.
“Are you staying back, hyung?” Mark asks as he slings his backpack over his shoulder. “They have two cars waiting downstairs.”
Taeyong stares at him. For some reason, he wants to pick a random fight with the kid, but he’s too exhausted to think where to even start so he just says, “You guys go ahead. I’ll still be stopping by the studio upstairs.”
Mark nods. “Okay, we’re going! Bye, hyung!” He walks away with a quick wave and a bounce in his step. As soon as he disappears from view, the lounge starts to feel a bit too quiet.
Taeyong lets out a deep breath. Just five minutes, he tells himself, deciding to take some sweet time before continuing on with his day. He scrolls through his phone, sees a text he received from Doyoung an hour ago: ‘do u think we can go to japan too?’ Taeyong smirks and replies, ‘why? missing someone? lol.’ Doyoung texts back not even a minute later, ‘i was thinking of our tour!!!!’ Taeyong only laughs, already knowing better.
When he opens Bubble to ask for the results of the Taeyong-duce, he finds out Jaehyun is currently on IG live. He could’ve ignored it, scrolled past like he didn’t see, like they always do when they have to dodge something. But Taeyong thinks back to yesterday, to last night, to some other days before. He’s sure something is changing. Jaehyun still hesitates, but he reaches back a bit now. Maybe the teasing works. Maybe Taeyong’s getting into his head somehow. Maybe he can hear the silent pleas—I want to be known as someone you adore, I want to be loved from outside the shadows, I want to be shown off, too. And maybe, just maybe, if Taeyong shows him how, Jaehyun could walk this tightrope, too, and he’d be holding Taeyong’s hand out in front of everyone, and show them that that’s how he can keep his balance.
♡♡♡
Jaehyun is struggling. He can pretend he’s tech literate all he wants but put him in front of a new app and he’d malfunction. Not that Instagram is a new app, or that he's doing a live for the first time. Just… fuck this, really. He can’t see the damn comments.
He tries to navigate through it while trying to fill the dead air with random things that come to mind. He tells them about his day, the events he’d seen that everyone prepared, how it feels like being 26. He expresses his gratitude, wishes everyone good health, and makes promises for the future. He’s already said so much within the past twenty minutes amd he still can’t see the fucking comments. He calls for SOS, texting their managers on the side. They tell him what to do.
When the comments pop up (fucking finally), his eyes just keep darting from one to another. He reads them aloud, the ones wishing him a happy birthday, others telling him what to do, which buttons to press. He scrolls through most of it, just reading out the ones he wants everyone to know. Most of them were just screaming, keyboard smashing, mentioning other members to join in. A lot of them have mentioned Taeyong, screaming about him, too. Jaehyun wonders why, a nervous lump slowly forming in his throat. He can’t help it. He feels guilty because there is something to hide.
Then he catches it, the familiar icon, taeoxo_nct. He sees the comment, Jaehyun oppa, happy birthday, and something in his brain goes hazy.
Goddammit, Lee Taeyong, he thinks to himself, still unsure exactly what he’s feeling. He doesn’t want to act on it.
So he just scrolls past it, too, and continues to read the messages from people he doesn’t know. He talks and talks and stares into the screen when he’s ran out of things to say. But Taeyong is relentless. He tells everyone he was the one who greeted Jaehyun first, that he’s the one who gave him his gift first. He says it with so much conviction as if he wouldn’t let Jaehyun tell them anything else. Jaehyun remembers how he kissed him senseless last night, how he’s been thinking of kissing him like that the entire day, how he’d rather be doing that now. He lets out a small sigh. God, he really wants to kiss Taeyong now.
He tries his best not to glance at the screen too much, desperately looking for something else to talk about. That should make it easier to ignore, he thought. That should make him feel less guilty. It’s fine. This is fine. He’ll just keep pretending he doesn’t see. Taeyong will understand anyway, he thinks. He always does. Jaehyun always does it like this and it’s always been okay. It’s for them, so it’s okay.
But something is gnawing in his gut. He remembers a conversation they had a few weeks ago. It was a Tuesday. Taeyong went home a bit buzzed. He was watching random compilations of their old clips made by fans. Apparently, that helps him sleep. There was a clip from one of their earlier Vlives when Taeyong turned to Jaehyun with a pout. He asked him, “Why don’t you tease me like this anymore?”
“I do, though,” Jaehyun replied.
“Not when people are watching,” Taeyong mumbled, mostly to himself. But Jaehyun heard, and he couldn’t figure out where it was coming from. To him, it has always been a silent agreement—they’ll only love each other in silence, in secret, in the shadows, because the world cannot know, because the crowd is unforgiving. To him, they don’t really have a choice. So in front of the cameras, he overrides his system. Where Taeyong goes, he walks away. Where Taeyong looks, he refuses to see.
Like the comments, he pretends he doesn’t see it, Taeyong’s fake smile, the forced laugh, the effort to redirect his attention somewhere else every time Jaehyun denies him the pleasure of being acknowledged. He thought it was okay.
Last Friday, when everyone had left and Jungwoo left the TV on in the dorms, they saw the news of a famous celebrity couple announcing their engagement to the world. Taeyong stared at the screen like a deer caught in the headlights, his mouth hung low, eyebrows furrowed. “Must be nice,” Jaehyun heard him say under his breath.
“What is?” he asked, feigning nonchalance.
Taeyong only smiled. “Nothing."
And maybe it was just because they’re alone or maybe it’s the fact that Taeyong’s little comment the other day didn’t let him sleep. But he swallowed a bit of pride and told him maybe he could do that, too. The public displays of affection as he called it. Taeyong only snorted and said he can’t, that he’ll just freeze and explode. He didn’t believe him, of course. How could he? Jaehyun had let him get used to nothing when they’re not alone. In the end, he conceded. That night, it didn’t let him sleep again.
And if he does nothing again, tonight will likely be the same.
He stares back into the screen, scrolls through the comments, his mind scrambling, trying to figure out what to do next. Taeyong has flooded the replies. He can’t write questions, he said, why can’t he write questions? Jaehyun’s chest did a little tumble. God, he adores him so much.
Then he sees the next comment, I’m leaving, and Jaehyun’s systems light up in a panic. He reverses, pretends to be surprised. “Taeyong hyung is here?” he asks everyone watching. Then he scrolls up again to reread his comments. Out loud now. So everyone can know. He says a silent prayer, asking that Taeyong didn’t leave just yet.
He didn’t. That’s right. That’s rghtt, he replies and Jaehyun can sense the excitement in his typos. At this point, he can no longer fight his smile. He doesn’t even try to. Thank god it’s dark in this room and the camera can’t capture his now pinkish complexion. But he redirects his attention, just to keep it from being too obvious, and asks his hyung for help. Stupid instagram live and its complexities.
Taeyong, on the other hand, seems to have completely different plans.
Hurry up and tell me you love me, he writes. Even just looking at your face feels great. Why?
And of course, because this is his Taeyongie hyung who has him wrapped around his pretty little finger, his hyung who makes him weak in the knees and numb in the head, because it’s him and Jaehyun loves him more than he has ever loved anything in his life, Jaehyun loses it. A smile forces itself out of his lips and his exhale explodes into a hearty chuckle. He’s so, so fucked and so, so in love with him, it’s crazy. And if everyone is watching, witnessing as he melts down with Taeyong’s playful remarks, then let them. This is the love of his life.
Don’t laugh. My heart can’t take it, he reads. Goddamn.
He runs a palm across his face, desperately hoping it’ll work to clear his head. It doesn’t. The ghost of a smile still lingers on his lips. But he still tries. He changes the topic and talks about his incapability to do a proper live again. He tries not to get distracted, but the comments keep returning as he scrolls along and now, his eyes refuse to read anything besides it.
Hurry up and tell me you love me. Taeyong told him he can’t. He doesn’t believe he can. Jaehyun doesn’t believe it either.
But maybe he’s walking on the clouds right now and he doesn’t care how scary it feels underneath his feet. All he knows is this feels so good, to let go and not care too much, to let people know he adores his Taeyongie hyung, to let Taeyongie know he can love him like that, too, outside the shadows, in front of the curtains, in front of everyone’s eyes, even if not in the same way he loves him when they’re alone. It’s addicting, and he can see why Taeyong wants it, too.
He surrenders to the feeling, lets go of his inhibitions. He feels his cheeks heat up, burning all the way to his ears. Hurry up and tell me you love me.
Jaehyun smiles. He smiles like he’s won again. Then he says it. Light. And soft. Like he’s still walking on the clouds. “I love you.”
♡♡♡
Taeyong’s cheeks hurt now. He can’t keep a straight face. I love you, dongsaeng, he wrote, then he prepares for the consequences because he knows that makes Jaehyun lose his goddamn mind. He exits the live quickly, afraid he might not be able to reel his excitement in. God, he wants to kiss him. Jaehyun’s just in the room next door and Taeyong wants so badly to kiss him.
He turns off his phone and massages his face. “Stop it,” he tells himself, “You look like an idiot.” Four years together and this is still the younger’s effect on him. Maybe he understands it better now, why Jaehyun locks it all in when people are looking. Because you can’t contain explosions. You can’t control wildfires. Goddamn, he loves the love they have.
He’s just about to gather his things and finally go upstairs when he spots Jaehyun outside, talking to one of their managers. His live has ended, it seems. For some reason, Taeyong freezes as he sees him as if he’s just been caught doing something fishy. Maybe he is a little bit guilty. He’s pretty sure he started up a bunch of conversations online. But most of it will get dismissed as fanservice anyway, and they usually don’t really have anything to worry about. For tonight, he’ll allow himself to bask in this rare happiness.
Jaehyun doesn’t see him immediately. The walls of the lounge area are made of glass, decorated with vinyl stickers showing off the company’s logo. It’s easy to see someone from the inside looking out, but you won’t really notice from the hallway if the room is occupied unless you really look in. Jaehyun smiles at their manager and does a polite bow. He starts walking away, and Taeyong just lets him, not really sure of what Jaehyun will say.
Except Jaehyun isn’t really walking away so much as he’s just walking around, head turning in all directions until finally his eyes land on Taeyong. The effect is instantaneous. His face lights up, his dimples exposing themselves in his cheeks. God, he’s beautiful.
“You’re insane, you know that?” Jaehyun says as he walks into the lounge. His hair is sticking out of his snapback now, as if he couldn’t be bothered to fix it anymore. He’s still a few good feet away, but his arms are already extending towards his hyung, like a yoyo pulled by a string.
Taeyong bites the inside of his cheeks and blinks innocently. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Jaehyun laughs lightly through his nose, his hands finding their usual spot on Taeyong’s waist. He pulls him in, kisses him on the forehead. “I swear to god,” he mumbles in between chuckles, “you’re gonna be the death of me.”
“I could say the same about you,” Taeyong retorts, his fingers already drawing random circles on Jaehyun’s chest. He moves away a little bit, just enough to look him in the eyes. “I didn’t think you were gonna do it,” he confesses.
Jaehyun stares at him fondly. “Neither did I. But what can I say?” He shrugs. Then gently, he says, “I really do love you.”
Taeyong exhales. Fuck. Here it is again. The wildfire. The explosion. Much, much louder and stronger this time. The roar in his ears is deafening. Taeyong feels his muscles turn to jelly, his knees growing weak. But he forces himself some strength, just enough to stand on his tiptoes and look over Jaehyun’s shoulder. He just has to make sure that this moment is theirs and theirs alone, that no one else is looking, that they’ll still get the chance to do this again.
Then when he's certain they're alone, he kisses him. Right there in the company building, right there in the glass-walled room. He kisses him like he’s been wanting to ever since he said the words in front of hundreds of thousands of people, plain and clear for everyone to hear. I love you. He says it with his lips, with his tongue, with the exchange of their breaths. He lets Jaehyun know. I love you.
A wildfire. An explosion. If they’re a bit luckier, if the world was a little less unforgiving, he’d allow it to wreak havoc on their lives, to take them up in a storm, and bring them to fairy tale places you can only read in storybooks. But they’re not. It’s not. They have to contain it, lock it in somehow.
So he pulls back. Jaehyun follows his lips like a lifeline and Taeyong allows him one more peck. Then that’s it. He has to ruin the moment, but not really so much that it’ll hurt. Just enough to dial down the flames into a nice, comfortable warmth. Just enough to make it bearable until they can get home, until they can lose themselves in the sheets again.
Taeyong giggles as he thinks about it. I love you, he wants to say again. But for the sake of their sanities and just for a bit of fun, “See you later, bro,” he says instead.