Chapter Text
“Long ago, in another realm stood the majestical kingdom of Tal’Dorei. Once the battlefield of gods and titans, its land now harbors magic, wonder and mystery. It was a time of great peace. Until a great evil arrived…” A male voice narrated before slowing a pause. “...How did that sound?”
You huffed through your nose. Fighting back the instinct to roll your eyes. “If you really think breaking the fourth wall now is a good idea…” You trailed off. Seeing an imaginary dice roll. Landing a resounding Natural 1. “...Yeah, that’s going to be a critical failure with your bonus in play.”
The two of you were in the midst of a conversation. Currently, backstage in a tavern. Yes, tavern. Not some bar or fancy club. A humble, traditional-looking tavern. Voices were drowned out by the drunken patrons. Allowing you to speak rather freely. It wasn’t like anyone was listening in. Or should be. No one else rolled a high enough perception or naturally had one that reached. Which was a huge blessing.
The narrator man laughed. Having his brown hair slicked back with a hint of a mustache and beard growing. Dressed in gray and silver, his outfit was rather loose and free form. With bits of jewelry adoring his form. Yet, the most spectacular item was the custom-made viol. How he managed to afford that was beyond your moral compass. But, you weren’t a bard. So that was his problem.
As for you, you were dressed rather casually. A bit more in-line with a typical appearance people of Tal’Dorei had. Only, you were dressed more in blue robes with white highlights. Hidden from sight was your emblem of the Moonweaver. Pinned closely to your heart. You had decided to leave your chain mail armor in your backpack. Giving you more freedom for the night.
More freedom than the past few years have given you. That thought made you clenched your lower jaw.
“Now, let’s go over the plan.” The human bard said as he fine-tuned his viol. “I put on a show, flex some of my magic, and have a good time. Meanwhile, you ensure all our lovely guests aren’t any the wiser to their missing coin.”
You peered from behind the curtain. Eyeing the current collection of patrons. A collection of diverse, humanoid races. All of them seemed pretty drunk. At least from your sight. To most others, they won’t see the floating dice about them. Displaying rather low numbers under ‘Perception.’ “I don’t think we’ll have to worry. No one’s rolled high quite yet.”
“Wonderful! We’re totally going to rob them blind; man, if only you were a rogue.” He nervously laughed, patting your shoulder. “We’d be a roll, Roll.”
“Don’t get too excited yet, Critter. Just try to not rob the owner this time,” You playfully jabbed his shoulder.
“Hey! Careful,” He said. “I need my form in peak condition! Now, what’s my dice like?”
Sighing with a smile, you waited. Watching a new dice appear. Replacing the other as it was tossed down to the ground. Rolled before landing a decent 10. Which was then added to his ludicrous bonus of +13 for a solid 23.
Looking up with a smile, you nodded. “Knock them out of the park, Critter!”
Nodding back, he composed himself for a moment before stepping out onto stage. On the other hand, you slipped back into the crowd of the tavern. Slipping to a table that had your reservation. Right near the stage. You watched as Critter took the stage. Everyone’s eyes locked out the bard and alcohol permeated the air.
“Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and everyone in between, it is my great pleasure to welcome you tonight! And now, I invite you to relax, pick up your drinks and forget about the world around you! As I proudly present…” Prepared as he was, you watched the magic humming from his fingertips come into play. His enchantment coursing through his bow. The moment he played the first note, it was over. “The show!”
His magic levitated his instruments; Bringing them out to the stage. All types of them appeared, creating a symphony. Enthralling all in the tavern. Well, except for you; you were used to stage shows. Especially when it was a parody song. That you knew. And you managed to roll high enough to ignore it.
As he performed, more of his magic transformed the tavern into his playground. You continued to observe. Watching inanimate objects come to life. Bouncing around, everyone was entertained. Just as planned.
Lowering your empty mug onto the ground, you felt the metal cling. You didn’t have to look down. You knew the deception. While everyone was focused on the show, Critter was making it out like a bandit. Using his Animate Objects to pickpocket each drunk person. How did he do this? Well, his sleight of hand roll was enough to gather them. The drunken stupor lowered the chances of anyone noticing. Giving him the advantage. The objects would just knock loose coins out and toward your direction. And not like, secured coin pouches.
Your job was easy. Call out anyone who wasn’t a fool and collect the coins. Use a spell to alert him before the gig was up. The usual thing.
It was what you had to rely upon outside of going down the rogue path. After you woke up a few years ago without anything to your name. In Tal’Dorei with your best friend. Because that’s normal. You know, the part where you used to panic about this mayhem. Where tragic backstories happened. Yeah, you got over that quickly. Because real world problems sucked. But having a unique ability to play this world like it was a game of DND. For some reason.
It had benefits.
Rounds of applause brought you back to the present. Critter had finished his opening act. His magic only held what he needed. He thanked everyone before whistling. Complimenting some half-elf in the crowd.
Which signaled you to act. Picking up the mug, you were pleasantly surprised. There was a good amount of loose coins. This would do nicely. And not a ridiculous amount from the bar either. A bit of alcohol remained at the bottom. Yet, that could be washed off.
Putting the coins safely away, you returned to watching the crowd. Critter was already on the number. You couldn’t identify the original song. Yet it was as enchanting as the last. Most of his animated objects were calming down. Any of the thieving ones relinquished from the spell.
You wanted to ensure that your little trick hadn’t been caught. First was the bartender. They could also be the innkeeper, but it sort of depended. The humanoid didn’t seem bothered. So, that was one down. Most dangerous off the list. Good; you weren’t sure if the two of you could handle that. Your reputation was already murky at best. Patrons loved you; owners hated you.
Scanning the rest of the room, you heard the drop of your dice. It rolled a solid 3 with an added bonus of your perception. Bumping it to a 7.
Yeah, this was still weird; seeing imaginary dice was odd. Even more so when you did the thing. With a free hand away from the coin pouch. You imagined holding that dice. Feeling the twenty sides of it. Each engraved with a number. Then, you slowly watched the invisible dice lift up. An unseen force you knew so well. And ever so slowly, your movement to change the number to a 15 matched the dice.
Controlling the dice afterwards was wrong. Cheating. Totally not aloud in normal play. But here? Fair game. And it was how the two of you survived for long. No matter how painful it was to do.
Yet, the sudden perception change came with a few side effects. Such as barely having time to react as a dagger flew far too close to your head. Only barely missing by a few centimeters. Impaled onto the wooden wall instead.
Your scream was suppressed by pure shock. Throat tightened.
“What the fuck man?!” Somebody shouted.
Looking up, the direction and angle gave you the answer. It was a table closer to the window. Where a group of seven were. All eyes on you. (Or the knife.) And possibly instigators? A group of adventurers. Completely drunk. And then someone at the table threw up.
You weren't looking for a fight. So, to avoid getting into a tavern fight, you chose the more logical decision. You pulled the knife out. Then, one of the mugs from that table burst to life. From table to table, it hopped. Until it stopped at yours. With a cheeky grin, you dropped the knife. Metal meeting wood once more. The mug hopped right back on over. Landing right onto their table. Right after it bounced on some drunks. Landing splendidly, the dagger had returned to its presumed owners.
‘Any luck on coins, Roll?’ Critter’s message popped into your head.
Your face became stoic as you looked away. Snatching the coin pouch, you played it off. Messing with your empty mug. However, you couldn’t shake off an odd feeling. ‘We got a good amount. Might be enough to actually afford something nice for once.’
‘For us or…?’ He suddenly was cut short. As a large gray man stumbled back into the bar. He was all bloody.
‘Fuck.’ Both of you messages at once.
Drunken shouting, tables flying. Weapons drawn and magic activated; a classic tavern brawl.
You quickly dove out of line of fire. Dodging the arrows as your rolls were terrible. Only assisted by spare bits of mugs flying to intercept. You were lucky to make it backstage alive.
Stepping behind the curtains, Critter was already there. Most of his instruments were packed with only his viol left. He looked back, relieved. “Oh thank goodness; you’re not hurt.”
“Are you?” You had a look-over of him.
“Oh, only my ego. As my show was cut short.” He laughed once his delicate instrument was put away. Leaving him quite vulnerable to attacks. “However, the sound of sweet coin and a brawl has lifted my mood!”
Lifting up the coin pouch, you playfully teased him. He reached out to snatch it. However, you were quick to pull it out of range. “So what’s the plan?”
Two arrows shot through the curtains. Aiming right at you. Critter’s quick thinking to pull you toward him worked. You avoided the shot. In exchange for the coin pouch falling. Spilling out silvers and coppers. That was worse than the dice rolls.
“Shit!” Scrambling, the two of you knelt down. Scooping them up once again.
“We walk out there with this and we’re screwed.” You said, holding the main pouch. “No one’s going to believe us even if you roll a natural 20.”
Somehow an ax flew by. Missing by a long shot. That got both of you in a hurry. Shoving the last few coppers, the pouch was shoved into your bag. Which you quickly put on. As he put his on, you peaked out. Noticing the insane chaos and a… bear? That wasn’t something you saw everyday.
“Is there a back way?” You looked back at the bard.
He looked around the cramped backstage before noticing the window. Then to the ax lying on the ground. “...I’d be more than willing to partake in a tavern brawl, but I don’t think we want to be discovered just yet.”
“We just got here. You’re so lucky…” Walking over, you easily lifted the large ax. It was still quite heavy. Your dice was uncooperative, but you managed. Using it to shatter the back window. Dropping it by the window, you looked back. “...I can lift this shit.”
“Hey; that’s what friends are for. You’re the brawn and I’m the brains!” He patted your shoulder.
“As if!” With a laugh, you jumped out the window first. Crushing the bits of glass, you winced a bit. “Damn it.”
A few steps later, you heard Critter jump out as well. He already was dusting himself off. As you looked around. The streets were pretty empty. Desolate, even. Except, you caught sight of a raven. A lone one. Eyes watching you. A chill crept down your spine. Reminding you how late it was. But to you, it didn’t look different.
“Man, if only Vox Machina were there; we could have totally gotten signatures.” He remarked, approaching you.
“Or we get killed.” You walked on ahead to the current inn you two had booked. “I still don’t get how this will work.”
“Come on Roll,” He came close, pulling you back a bit. To be at the same pace. “Think about it. Legendary adventures, kicking the ass of monsters with Vox Machina! All in the world where you control the dice! What more isn’t there to ask for?”
You still could feel the raven watching you. It was odd, but not enough to overpower the slight annoyance rising. “How about how to get back home? We still don’t know why we’re here of all places. And no one’s going to believe two humans just appear out of nowhere. Two humans who can manipulate the very nature of the world.”
“Look. Just because I’m the brains of the world and you’re the brawn doesn’t mean we’ll be stuck forever.” He appeared oblivious to the feeling you had. “I’m sure that, if anyone, traveling with Vox Machina is our best bet.”
“This isn’t because you’ve got a massive boner for Keyleth, right?” You raised an eyebrow. Not believing a word he said.
“What?! No!! Look, I know how to keep my romance in check.”
“Says your Keyleth shrine back on Earth.”
“Hush! No one’s supposed to know.” He said through gritted teeth. A blush crossing his face. “But like I said, if anyone’s going to help us figure stuff out, it's Vox Machina. They’re the Heroes of the story; what better side to be on? And if we save them, we can get some favors.”
“I don’t know. You mentioned that we’d have to face a vampire dilf and his necromancer wife, lots of dragons, a newly formed deity and bar fights. All of which could potentially kill us.”
“Tavern fights,” He corrected you.
“Right. Exactly why I don’t want to do that; we could die.”
“So? I might be a Bard, but you’re a Cleric. A Twilight Cleric of Sehanine!” He pointed at the large moon. “I’m sure she’s given us a hint on what to do.” Yet you heard him mutter under his breath. “Still not sure why she didn’t make you a Paladin instead. Unless… you didn’t secret multi class, did you!?”
One of your free hands went to the holy symbol. An emblem still hidden of this deity. Sehanine, The Moonweaver. You were as clueless as he was. Why she had appeared and deemed you a cleric. Yet, as you were walking at night, you didn’t feel blessed. Even what you knew was cryptic. Especially, as you were gravely injured when she first appeared.
You weren’t sure as to the circumstances. Since Critter had panicked. Giving you a headache at the time. But all you knew was a few things: You became a Twilight Cleric under Sehanine’s ‘service’, you somehow avoided this ‘Raven Queen’ deity, and… never mind. At the very least, this gifted you magic. Magic that’s saved you countless times.
Sighing, you looked to the moons above. If you could pray, you would. Alast, you couldn’t do so. Not with Critter talking nonsense. Mostly about the dense lore or additional parody songs. All currently going over your head. As much as you two were best friends, there were times things got out of hand. But you wouldn’t choose anyone else.
You two were the only ones you had in this world. You’ve been through thick and thin these past few… months? Years? It was hard to think like that. But soon enough, you hoped something would turn to your favor.
You hoped.
Alternative Chapter Title: Vox Machina gets robbed by Critter and Roll. Place bets on when either party puts two and two together.