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The first time he noticed how messed up he was, was on their anniversary. He never thought of anniversaries before, so it was kind of a shock when he found himself halfway through a mail supposedly to Kuroko.
It was something he never thought deeply about, more like instinct and that sucked.
That was on their first spring apart. The light rain had killed the cherry blossoms beforehand. It wasn’t as depressing as he thought it would be. Being alone wasn’t bad, neither it was good. It was just how things were and he couldn’t do anything about it, mostly because he didn’t want to do anything about it.
They both were still learning.
So it was messed up. He, just barely noticing this was unforgettable.
The second time he noticed how messed up he was, was on the afternoon of their anniversary, as though he hadn’t just have an epiphany just a few hours ago. Like if the instinct was taking upon him. It was awful enough with that other side of him on the surface as to have to worry about his instinct taking him on a train hours-long ride to Tokyo just because.
He wanted to see him, but wouldn’t. Not like that. Love was not an excuse, Tetsuya needed to grow. The last time they had talked seriously he kind of hated him. Just a tiny bit.
When he met him, he knew he had potential, even when he lacked the drive at first. Then he grew but stopped. The best of times were not those where they were carefreely happy. He couldn’t bring himself to tell them those times were a bad omen.
He, as always, was right about it.
It all felt apart as expected, but deep inside he had the faintest bit of hope that he would be wrong just this time. He needed to be proven wrong then. He still does.
The third time he noticed he was utterly screwed was when he noticed the Rakuzan facilities weren’t Teikou, even after a week into the school year. When he realized there was no one waiting for him at the school gate.
It was the first time he felt alone. The deeper part of him was having second thoughts; the part of him in the surface shut those down and kept on with life.
The fourth time he noticed how messed up he was, as well as everything else, was on their first summer apart. They had mailed before, but he wasn’t able to remember what those mails were about or if they were real instead of a fantasy to keep his inner self calm. He erased every mail just in case, so he would have a perfectly logical explanation as to why he didn’t have a record of his mails with his former teammates.
But this time, he kept the mail on a folder in his phone, as well as the reply. They were all there.
Along with unnecessary luggage.
But he seemed so determinate that he couldn’t help feeling happy.
The one on the surface, however, wasn’t so amused.
It was an omen; whether it was good or bad, he didn’t care. Something was on its way to change and it was needed.
The fifth time he knew he was so done for was when he lost. The parts of himself switched places for a while and merged. It was just one of him. And so, the loneliness returned.
Then it was spring again and the rain was merciful enough to let live the cherry blossoms. It was rather chilly, but that was fine.
He found himself losing count of how many times he was screwed by the time he discovered himself then again half way through a mail.
Nothing was different from the first one, so it could count as double. He missed him, but there wasn’t a time to return.
He couldn’t return to be soothed by shallow talk.
He couldn’t talk and forget about his feelings. He couldn’t just call Tetsuya and ask about his day to forego his.
— Akashi-kun, what did you have for breakfast?
— Miso soup, grilled fish and tea.
— I had pan and milk.
— Vanilla?
A smile that was more honest than it should had been with that conversation and he called it happiness.
He could forget the pressure and the void. He wasn’t lonely then, he wasn’t upset. His father’s words were the same as when he was a little child, so it was nothing to feel bad about. It was a kind of rebellion. Just his way to act spoiled. He had it all, so he never wished for something. Forgetting his definition of normal was just a little of self-indulgence.
He never felt the need of talking about what was wrong at home, because nothing was really wrong.
The last time he noticed he really was messed up, was when he dreamt about all the unpleasanties of the happier times of his life.
— Do you rely on me?
What for? He was independent; he had not need of such things. He could manage on his own.
— Don’t you trust me?
He did, he still does, but is different. He trusts others because he knows when they’re lying and when they’re gonna fail him.
— Are you disappointed?
No, he wasn’t. He knew it. He was, then and even now, absolute. He was selfish and wished for the impossible and wasn’t disappointed when the impossible did happen. He lost a match. And it was Kuroko Tetsuya’s doing. But he wasn’t wrong before failing. He did everything that was needed in order to win. And he did win. If he was wrong at something, it was on the matters concerning Kuroko Tetsuya and Seirin. But he wasn’t wrong about anything else. He never had ulterior motives.
— Are you wrong about loving me then?
When he woke up, the rain was washing away the cherry petals in Kyoto.
It was depressing for the first time.
They never asked to be together; by the time they said they loved each other, they were just voicing the obvious. They never broke apart, they just drifted oh so slowly and when they noticed, they had no intentions on walking back.
He kept on dreaming.
— How was your day?
As void as ever. It’s like he was the only one going back to the middle school days. He got along with his teammates; he even had fun playing basketball. But that was all. Everything was like in the beginning.
— You never told me about it.
Why should he have told him? They were happy. Those were happy memories. The void faded away every time they were together.
— You helped me a lot, didn’t you? Why you didn’t allow me to help you too?
Because he had no need for help.
— Really?
— Shut up.
He was really screwed if he was starting to talk to his unconscious self.
And it was hopeless when he answered to himself.
— Why?
There wasn’t a real need for those questions. He was aware of the answers.
— Because I don’t need to be told about all of these.
— We seem to need it.
When he was younger, he could always run to his mother’s lap. But he was a grown man now. And there wasn’t a lap to run to.
— There isn’t?
How could he? He worked hard to keep his independence, he worked hard to keep everything in control even when it was a given to him. He worked especially hard to not go mad.
— Sei-chan, you look restless, are you ok?
He wasn’t.
— Yes, I am ok.
But then he had to sleep.
— Why are you lying now?
He wondered the same. He wondered why he cared. He wondered why a simple question was so difficult. He never had that kind of problems.
— Akashi-kun, why are you upset?
— I am not.
And then, the dreams stopped.
The last time he noticed how messed up he was, was on his third spring apart.
It was raining in Tokyo but the cherry blossom season was on its peak somewhere else. The pink dye was slowly fading by the end of the first week into the school year.
— Akashi-kun, what are you doing here?
— Good morning, Kuroko; you still have the habit of asking the obvious.
It wasn’t middle school, but everything that changed was the same. It was time of make a real difference.
— I missed you.
It wasn’t middle school, but the feelings were the same. This time, he had a proper answer to all the questions.