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Hoseok had known for ages that the members were planning a “surprise” birthday party for him. Once, when drunk, Jin had spilled out the whole plan, down to when they would be arriving at his apartment. Out of pity for his beloved friends, Hoseok left his apartment exactly an hour before the appointed time, to make their job easier.
Perhaps choosing their debut day as his front door passcode is too guessable and puts him at risk of having robbers break into his house. But, he could’ve sworn he saw two distinctively male-looking shadows running around his apartment through the window when he passed through. He didn’t expect anything to be a surprise, but surprise or not, having friends that remember your birthday and cared enough to celebrate it feels nice regardless. It’s the level of friendly intimacy no amount of faceless people sending him beautiful, lengthy letters and exclamations of adoration can ever reach.
Imagine his surprise when he opened the door and the face holding his cake in the middle of his living room isn’t Jimin’s, but his sister Jiwoo’s.
“You what? What the fuck?”
“Language dear, see? I told you he would be shocked, we shouldn’t have made it a surprise!” Despite remembering to chide him for his choice of words, his mother quickly moved from her position near his couch to fuss over him, murmuring calming, worried “Have you eaten? You look like you’ve lost even more weight somehow.” as he leads her into his couch.
It was a great birthday and an amazing party, leaving behind the fact that it wasn’t actually his birthday yet. But Jiwoo and her husband brought amazing booze, coupled with his mother’s cooking, Hoseok truly felt happy. Despite everything that has happened and the opportunities he had missed, he remembers, from the beginning, he had never needed more than his family, his anchor, the ones whom he can turn to whenever the uncertainty of life feels too much to bear. His father's advice, his mother’s boundless support, his sister’s maturity, and even, lately, his brother-in-law’s readiness. Hoseok had been told to appreciate his loving family since he was young, reminded again and again how lucky he was that he had been born into an appreciating family, where he never had to think twice before saying what’s in his mind, his ability to say that he grew up loved and can state that he does love his family more than anything without a second’s hesitation. Hoseok was lucky. And at this moment, he truly felt lucky.
The bell rings, Jiwoo opens the door, and Hoseok is left frozen, his hand still halfway reaching for a piece of the chicken wing he wanted. Behind the door stands his members, Yoongi up in front with Jimin holding a white cake decorated with buttercream Murakami Flowers, everyone’s hands occupied with various stringers and presents, Yoongi’s left hand being the only one that’s free.
“Oh,” Hoseok says. Breaking the silence, Namjoon asks if they’re allowed inside, and after his mother nods, they all spill inside his living room, Hoseok doing a mental headcount and momentarily panicking when Jungkook enters and the door shuts, but he hadn’t finished counting to six before he remembers that Taehyung is sick and can not possibly be running around with the rest of the boys.
“Jin-hyung said you’re going to be here by 5 pm, you guys are somehow an hour late to a party you planned yourself,” he said, breaking the small silence.
Jin grins, handing him a gold and brown gift box. “We failed to take Taehyung’s self-quarantine into account and got held back. Plus, a certain someone,” he glares at Jimin, “dropped the cake we originally got you, so we had to run around and find another cake.” Jimin smiles innocently.
“Are we going to ignore the fact that Jin-hyung told Hobi that we were planning a surprise party, or?” Namjoon pipes up.
“That’s funny, I don’t actually remember doing that.”
“Since you guys are here, help yourself,” Jiwoo says, breaking the awkward argument that felt a second away from exploding and reminding the boys of Hoseok’s family’s presence. They put his gifts, decorations, and cake on the floor next to his coffee table and help themselves to the food and alcohol spread over his kitchen island. Within minutes, the atmosphere eases up, everyone’s mingling and talking to each other. Hoseok’s glad. His family loves the boys and they have no problem conversing. Yoongi and Namjoon are talking about the Olympics with his father and brother-in-law, his mother is fussing over Jimin and Jungkook, and Jin and Jiwoo are eating chicken and likely talking about food in his kitchen. Everyone gets along so well with each other and Hoseok should be glad. Instead, he feels a little bit lonely and overwhelmed at the same time. On one hand, he wanted to spend his birthday alone, curled up in bed accompanied by his phone and cat videos, instead he got two overlapping parties and way too many people in a room, none of which are actually paying any kind of attention to him. He takes off his birthday hat and heads towards his bedroom balcony with a glass of wine in hand.
It’s cold, winter hasn't made its way to spring and Hoseok’s toes are freezing even in his fluffy slippers, not to mention he can’t really feel his fingers. For a second, he considers spilling his wine to the ground below and counting seconds until the splashes of liquid hit the pavement. He can’t drink it when even the glass feels frozen in his numb fingers. He mentally chides himself for even thinking of trashing like that, added to the fact that he lives in an apartment complex and he’s very likely to accidentally spill the wine on someone or their belongings. Instead he settles for putting it on the floor next to his feet and leaning against the railing, looking at the sun as it sets. He has always loved February, less because it’s his birthday month and more because the sun sets a little later and he’s allowed to look at the thin golden rays decorating the darkening sky when he glances up from the mirror around seven every night, when he takes a break from monitoring and criticizing his movements (and often the rest of the boys’ as well) in between pants and sweat dripping from his skin to the wood tiled floor. He had always loved sunsets.
And maybe, he’s in awe of the month of February partly because of Valentine’s day too. He agrees with Yoongi that the concept of Valentine’s day is basically just a marketing method made so that people spend more under the idea that there is a day (or days, South Korea celebrates White Day as well) saved specifically to show appreciation to your loved ones. Despite the thought, Hoseok’s family has a tradition. His mom and sister give him chocolates and flowers, and the men reciprocate every White Day. And okay, you don’t need specific days to show love and appreciation, but it feels nice, waking up every morning on February 14th, no matter if he’s in his parents’ house in Gwangju, the dorm, or his apartment, there are bouquets and chocolates waiting for him. He kept up with tradition for the warmth and happiness he feels only once a year, the type of childish expectation and satisfaction no other holiday brings forth.
So did Taehyung.
Maybe he’s also the main reason Hoseok looks forward to February 14th, his habit of barging into his room half asleep holding a chocolate bouquet (yes, a bouquet he fills with chocolate of every kind instead of flowers) and a little present, usually something along the lines of dainty jewelry or new clothing.
(Hoseok opened the little box, expecting to see a ring or a necklace, as Taehyung normally gives, but finding a bunch of tiny shirts and onesies instead. He looked up confusedly at Taehyung’s grin.
“It’s for Mickey, for when you come back to Gwangju and get ready to start dressing him up again.
“Am I getting replaced by a dog?”
“HE’S OUR SON, DON’T BE LIKE THAT,” Jimin stirred in the other bed and Taehyung immediately lowered his volume.)
This year wasn’t the first Valentine without Taehyung, but it’s the first one with Jungkook in the picture. Hoseok likes to say that he’s okay, he and Taehyung are okay, there’s no bad blood, no awkward stares or out-of-place touches, no lingering touches where there shouldn’t be, no screaming or tears, not a single off breath that can ever give even the slightest hint to the fans (or anyone they didn’t let in the secret, AKA Bang PD, their managers, makeup noonas, a few close staffs, and Taehyun who had walked in on them making out) that there was ever anything non-platonic about them, or when the sweet kisses and “I love you”s end. They’re okay, but damn it, when Hoseok sees the dopey smile on Jungkook’s face, maybe he’s not very okay after all.
(“I think I want to end our relationship.” Hoseok sighed. He knew it was coming, and yet, it hurts so bad he didn’t think he could maturely handle it the way he was supposed to. You’re the older one, Jung Hoseok. Get your shit together.
“Okay.”
“That’s it? Okay?”
“If you don’t want to stay,” he takes a sharp breath, “I won’t force you to.”
“But still…”
“Do you want me to cry, ba- Tae? See me scream and beg you not to, tell you I’ll change, give you a reason to start saying ‘It’s not you, it’s me’? Because I can do that too. But it’s not really your fault or my fault when something like this happens, doesn’t it?” Taehyung moves to sit down beside him on their dorm couch.
“There’s someone else.” Hoseok takes a sharp breath. Was it supposed to hurt that bad? He thought he had known. “I just thought you deserved to know.”
“Ah… it’s not really...” another sharp breath. “Okay, Taehyungie, thank you for being honest with me.” Hoseok refuses to meet his eyes. Realizing the conversation was over, Taehyung stood up and left.
“Taehyungie? I hope you’re happier with them.”
“Thanks, hyung.”)
Hoseok throws his head back and laughs. It took a while for Jungkook and Taehyung to start dating after their breakup, he thinks it was to preserve his dignity from the few people who knew, since he had always known how Jungkook feels about Taehyung, the kid was that obvious. Unlike him, when Taehyung and Jungkook started dating, the whole corporation was thrown into a frenzy, rumors kept flying around until there was a mass NDA signing within everyone who worked at the building and another clause, specifying the secrecy of in-group dating within HYBE artists added in the employment contracts. Hoseok could never forget the look in Taehyun’s eyes, the pity and confusion of someone who looks up to him, having to swear secrecy for a relationship involving the man he thought Hoseok was dating.
Maybe that was where he went wrong. He thought he was golden enough, appealing enough to stand beside someone who shines as bright as Kim Taehyung. At the end of the day, Kim Taehyung is an appreciator of art, and next to the shining, golden maknae, what is Jung Hoseok?
“Fuck,” Hoseok sighs. “I’m fucked up.”
“Sorry, hyung,” Hoseok screams, his foot hitting the wine glass and tipping it until it drops onto the pavement, glass shattering and wine tinting the snow purplish-red. So much for not littering. “Sorry for that too,” Jungkook adds.
Jungkook moves beside him, leaning into the railing, his left hand gripping a glass of wine, similar to how Hoseok found himself doing a few minutes ago. Jungkook puts the wine glass away, a little bit farther from his feet than what Hoseok had done, dropping a bunch of snow over the base to keep it more stable. Hoseok murmurs something about how the wine will turn so cold he’ll end up with no choice but to throw it away.
“The sun always sets a little later during your birthday, it’s like even the sun knows to give my sun a little extra sunshine,” Jungkook grins and Hoseok had half a mind to ask him if Taehyung was the one who taught him how to flirt.
“He misses you so much, you know. Taehyungie hyung.” Jungkook caught Hoseok stiffening up next to him before he schools his expression into the learned brightness he had perfected over the years.
“Yeah, It must’ve sucked having to be locked up alone for that long.” Jung Hoseok is like a book. There are twists and turns and character quirks you figure out the more you spend time with him, he knows how to be serious and how to be funny, and the more time you spend with him, the less you are able to stay too far away. Most of all, Jung Hoseok is so easy to read it hurts Jungkook’s heart. Like right now, the confusion and anger and discomfort splayed all over his face held behind his heart smile that doesn’t quite reach his eyes. It could fool anyone, but Jeon Jungkook’s not just anyone. Or like four days ago, when Hoseok wakes up at the dorm to him giggling on a call with Taehyung, his chocolate bouquet and a tiger lily pendant sitting next to him on the couch. Out of the side of his eyes, Jungkook saw Hoseok’s smile drop and he returned to his parents’ house several hours later. Hoseok can say he’s not hurting several thousand times, but Jungkook will always be there to doubt him.
“That’s not what I mean, hyung. You know that.” Hoseok sighs and turns to face him, not even trying to disguise himself under his sunshine smile at all this time.
“You being young isn’t going to excuse your inability to comprehend what is a topic you’re allowed to randomly bring up and what you should’ve left unsaid.”
“You wouldn’t speak to him!” Hoseok laughs the strange, pitchy, terrifying laugh he does when he’s so mad he can’t even find words to insult the other and shivers race up Jungkook’s spine, out of fear or the cold, he’s not sure.
“Hell yes I wouldn’t speak to him? How would you feel if Taehyung had just dropped the ‘I like someone else’ bomb on you out of nowhere and then proceed to fuck said someone else for roughly a year before turning back to dating, making it damn clear he’s only holding back to preserve your dignity, as if announcing his relationship to a whole damn corporation does that?”
“Hyung I… I really didn’t know you had a problem with it, if you had just said it, we wouldn’t-”
“Why would either of you care about how I feel about your relationship? My opinion isn’t taken into account because it never mattered and I never had a say in a relationship that never involved me from the beginning.”
“Your opinions do matter, the same way the other hyungs’ do too, just because you’re not part of our relationship doesn’t mean that we no longer value your opinion as our elder and best friend. You know that… right?” Jungkook’s voice turns meek at the end, as soon as he sees a tear make its way down Hoseok’s red cheek, creating a frozen trail in its wake.
“I- I just…” Jungkook moves to hug him, and Hoseok flinches away. Not knowing how to react to someone usually so touchy, avoiding physical contact with him, Jungkook keeps his arms awkwardly stiff, glued to his side. “You’re so… perfect, you shine so bright, you’re so mature, both physically and emotionally, you’re good at everything, damnit. Next to you, why would anyone choose me?”
“Next to you, what am I?” Hoseok sighs.
“Hyung, that’s not…” Jungkook looks down at the white snow, tinted slightly gray with Seoul’s air pollution. Suddenly, the footprints created from his house slippers look very interesting. He wishes it was Namjoon or Yoongi standing there, they would’ve known how to respond. Or Jin, despite his childishness and inability to stay quiet at times, there is a reason why no one argues when he’s serious, not even Namjoon. Hoseok was wrong, Jungkook thinks. He’s not mature, not emotionally. Not mature enough to let anyone lean on him.
“Nevermind, Jungkookie. Why don’t you come inside and enjoy the party?”
“That’s not true,” Jungkook blurts. “You’re amazing, a-and Taehyungie hyung didn’t break up with you because he thinks I’m better than you, he doesn’t. Hyung, if I… if I was the one you found isolating myself and thinking I’m less than you… How would you react?”
“It’s different,” Hoseok sighs, voice shaky. Jungkook takes his hand and smiles when he doesn't pull away. “You are better than me.”
“You’re the only one who thinks that. I think the other way around. Humans tend to see ourselves in tunnel vision, only looking for what we want to find, you’re the one who told me that.” Hoseok slides down the railing until he’s half crouched on the floor. Jungkook slides down too, before circling his arm on Hoseok's waist.
"The fucking irony."
"You can lean on me, hyung. I'll always be there for you. No matter what happens, whatever kind of romance makes its way to the picture, Bangtan always comes first. I hope you remember that. You're my best friend first and foremost."
They lay there, Hoseok wrapped in Jungkook's muscled arm, the cold turning their lips blue, as snow fell down on them, pristine white against the darkened sky, landing like white powder on Hoseok's brown hair.
"Taehyung hyung loves you so much and he's expressed that several times."
"He doesn't love me the way I want him to."
"But that doesn't mean he doesn't love you, he… told me to tell you this earlier, when I told him we're getting ready for your birthday party. He wants you to know he's sorry for hurting you, and that he loved you back then and still does now."
"You can tell him it's okay"
"No, you tell him yourself. Plus you're not okay, not if your confidence can still dwindle this easy. And I'm sorry if it's because of me, I hope you know that hurting you or making you jealous was never any of our intentions."
"Yeah, maybe I'm not okay yet, but I will be, and I don't blame either of you, never. I would never make you apologize for being in love."
"I love you, hyung."
"Love you too, Jungkookie." Jungkook’s phone rings and a glance at the screen tells both that it's Taehyung. Jungkook tosses his phone into a pile of snow, hitting his wine glass from earlier, thankfully not dropping or spilling it.
Slowly, Jungkook's lips touch Hoseok’s freezing forehead in a comforting peck, the same way the younger’s mom used to do when he was little and suffering from nightmares.
"Jesus hyung, you’re so cold. Come on, let's go inside." Jungkook helps Hoseok up and takes him inside, not forgetting to dust his hair from the snow. Jungkook’s phone stays vibrating in the snow, waiting for the moment snow covers it fully. And Taehyung’s on his couch, waiting for Jungkook to pick up. He won't. Not until Hoseok's party ends, at least.