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Hua Cheng had bought many options for Xie Lian in the way of robes. After meeting him again he’d made sure to acquire practical working robes like Xie Lian preferred, but before that he had had years and years of accidentally collecting small things that reminded him of Xie Lian until there were more gifts than he had known what to do with.
And for the most part Hua Cheng did not offer the gifts. It seemed he realized Xie Lian would feel uncomfortable to get so many at once. Instead things were simply there when Xie Lian needed them and he knew he could ask for anything. But there were some things Xie Lian knew in no uncertain terms were intended as gifts for him.
The robes were such a thing.
After they’d married Xie Lian had found them, a closet fit for a prince with each robe more refined than the last. Still, Xie Lian didn’t really have occasions to wear such things so he tended to leave them in all their pretty refinery to hide away from the world. Today though he found himself curious.
Pulling out one, he looked over the layers. He’d never put on something so elaborate without help but surely he could manage? It was such a lovely piece, with delicate embroidery and a sheer golden layer to go over the white outer robe, giving the whole thing a shimmering effect.
Carefully he laid out the layers, undressing himself from the simple ones to put on these instead.
They felt cool and soft against his skin, a far difference from the worn comfort of his usual clothes. These were the robes of a prince. The robes of someone whose hands did not know work.
It felt a bit like playing pretend to wear them now. Still, Xie Lian went through layer by layer, carefully adjusting everything just so until it laid correctly. Though it was mostly white with the shimmering gold overlay, Xie Lian found he rather liked the black accents too. It made him look stately and gave a stern edge against the lighter colors.
How long had it been since he cared what he wore? Even back when he dressed nicely, he had hardly paid attention to the actual clothes. He tried to now. What had Hua Cheng been thinking when he’d picked this? Did he imagine fully how it would look on his god or was it chosen on a whim for the colors?
Xie Lian pulled back his hair as he looked over himself in the mirror, retying it with his usual ribbon. Is this how Hua Cheng would have pictured him? No.
Xie Lian wandered back into the closet, pulling out the tucked away jewelry boxes until he found the simplest one that could still suit such elaborate attire. Heading back to the mirror, he arranged it over his ponytail, trying to hold his head a bit higher.
He looked like a god like this.
It was a stupid thought. He was a god either way. He knew Hua Cheng loved and respected him no matter what he wore. He’d heard worshippers who said they felt closer to him because of how plainly he dressed.
But this was the image of the god Hua Cheng had worshipped in their eight hundred years apart. This was the god Hua Cheng had waited for.
“Gege, have you seen the…? Oh,” the last word came out as a breath.
Xie Lian turned, feeling like a child caught doing something wrong though he knew full well this closet was for him. That even if it wasn’t Hua Cheng wouldn’t mind.
But Hua Cheng was staring as if seeing him for the first time.
“I just… San Lang got me so many and I never wear them…” he explained awkwardly.
Hua Cheng met his eyes, no more or less devoted than usual. His love was not so fickle as to change with Xie Lian’s clothes after all. “Does your highness like them?”
“They’re… they don’t suit me,” Xie Lian admitted.
Hua Cheng stepped closer, seeming to be trying to commit the sight to memory. “They do. But if gege doesn’t care for them he need not worry. I got them on a whim.”
Xie Lian nodded, looking back in the mirror. He could stand as proudly as he used to. He could make his expression regal and powerful. He could command with an air of certainty.
But… that was not who he wanted to be anymore.
It wasn’t that he was no longer any of those things. In truth, Xie Lian wasn’t fully sure he could ever outgrow those old mannerisms completely, just cover them up. Just pair them with something more humble and passive. The kind of person who was easy to talk to. Who understood hardship.
There was a time and a place for naive princes who thought they could save the world. Xie Lian hoped many more would be born and keep that passion alive.
But he could not live as that person anymore.
Sighing, Xie Lian began to slip off the layers.
“Let me help,” Hua Cheng offered quietly, moving seamlessly into the position of an attendant. He had more practice undressing Xie Lian as a lover, but he still played the part well, taking care to be respectful with each layer he removed.
It was soft and it was patient in a way that made Xie Lian’s heart lurch. It was moments like this that he was faced with the overwhelming understanding that Hua Cheng truly worshiped him as a god. Even after loving him as a person.
And these robes had been his best attempt at offerings before he knew the person behind the god. Had it disappointed him to realize Xie Lian would never wear the closet of elaborate robes he’d picked out? Or that he’d hardly ever need help with elaborate robes, opting instead to wear a different set of the same old and easy to put on robes everyday that required no help at all?
“I’m sorry I’m not the god you waited for,” Xie Lian said quietly as he pulled back on his regular clothes and Hua Cheng put away the rich robes fit for a Crown Prince.
Hua Cheng frowned. “You are.”
Xie Lian shook his head. “I know San Lang loves me as I am but…” Xie Lian sighed. “I’m sorry I’m not the sort of god you can gift expensive things to. San Lang worked so hard to get all these things and I really am more comfortable when we just share a mantou,” he laughed.
“I never thought gege would be the kind of person to be impressed with fancy presents. That’s not why I got them. I truly do not mind if gege doesn’t use them.”
Xie Lian looked over the closet, trying to understand. “Why did San Lang get them then?”
Hua Cheng fell silent, seeming to be choosing his words.
Patient, Xie Lian moved to sit on their bed, waiting.
“I searched for your highness for many years. We hadn’t interacted very many times, but they were very impactful for me,” he spoke quietly, as if speaking any louder would shatter something. “Gege was like a dream to me. Proof that good existed in the world and I could find it if I looked. And I did. But gege was always where goodness started, where it came from.”
Hua Cheng paused, moving to sit next to Xie Lian and make their red string visible between them once more.
Xie Lian took his hand, watching his husband watch their intertwined fingers.
“Sometimes I worried you hadn’t been real. Or that you’d find my devotion too heavy.”
Xie Lian leaned against him. Hua Cheng’s devotion was heavy, but Xie Lian liked the weight of it. It was a grounding, stabilizing thing and he had the life experience now to handle it with care.
“I couldn’t do anything for you while I was searching besides collect things. It made me feel worthy.”
“San Lang is worthy.”
“And gege is the god I waited for.”
Xie Lian smiled, squeezing his hand tight. “I like them. They’re all very pretty.”
“This one is honored gege thinks so.”
“What did you think I’d be like?”
“I wasn’t sure,” Hua Cheng admitted.
“Were you surprised when we met?”
“Yes.”
Xie Lian wasn’t sure if he liked that or not but Hua Cheng kissed him before he could dwell on it.
“Gege invited me into his house and had me share the bed with him, I thought I would die all over again.”
Xie Lian laughed, feeling the odd stagnation in his chest begin to move again.
“I’ve told gege before. Just keep doing whatever you want to do. That’s the kind of god I want.”
Kissing him again, Xie Lian believed him. But still, “I saw how San Lang looked at me when he came in.”
“Gege knows I’m fond of a costume change,” he teased.
“En,” Xie Lian looked towards the closet. “Why don’t you show me your favorites? I’ll try them on.”
“Gege doesn’t have to.”
“I know,” he smiled at his husband. “I want to.”
So, with clear excitement. Hua Cheng pulled out three of his favorites, explaining where he’d gotten them and why they’d made him think of Xie Lian.
And Xie Lian still didn’t think he was suited to things for a prince anymore, but these were gifts for a husband now. And he thought he suited those pretty well.