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"Hyejung and I are engaged. We're getting married next month." Ikjun suddenly blurted out which made everyone stopped eating. A deafening silence followed.
The four friends of Ikjun were shocked when he announced his marriage with his then new girlfriend—Yuk Hyejung—the one Jeongwon introduced to him a year ago. The woman literally and shamelessly chased Ikjun for more than half a year before he finally gave in and tried dating her for real. Who wouldn't be shocked though? They were only has been dating for more than three months and now he is telling them they are getting married.
Songhwa did not know what to feel when she heard his announcement. She was looking at him—waiting as if a follow up "I'm just kidding" will be heard from her best friend. A minute has passed but he said nothing after and just intently looking at them, gauging their reactions—as if patiently waiting for them to at least say something about the news he just shared with them. She looked at the other three who also looked shocked and speechless—especially Ahn Jeongwon.
"Yah Lee Ikjun, a marriage is not a joke. I know I was the one who introduced her to you, but don't you think you're being too fast?" Jeongwon carefully asked as if afraid to offend Ikjun although he only meant well.
"Saekki! Seriously? Marriage? That fast and next month? Do you like her that much? I'm not buying this Lee Ikjun." Junwan was blunt. If there's someone who won't filter his words just to wake your senses—it will be him. He looks a little bit worried too.
Ikjun deeply inhaled and breathe out a heavy sigh indicating that he already expected their reactions. Songhwa was just quietly listening and looking at them—at him. She can't help but stare at his face to look for something which she herself doesn't know what she's looking for. She just wants to see something—anything. She saw how his eyes twitch, lips quivering and his hands trembling.
"Why are you rushing things Ikjun-ah. It has only been three months. Is there something wrong?" Seokhyeong asked him. They are all patiently looking at their friend especially after that heavy sigh he released. Something is definitely wrong.
"I---I ne--I need to ma--marry her." he answered and inhaled deeply.
He shook his head and look away. They saw him closed his eyes and clenched his fist. They were just waiting for him to continue. Songhwa is holding her breath—afraid to hear what's coming next. There's a thought that definitely came into her mind after hearing his answer but she's hoping she's wrong. She closed her eyes and tried her best to calm herself. She knows she was not the only one who thought the same because she heard gasped from her friends.
All of them are tensed—the silence is killing them, and the awkward atmosphere is not helping at all. Songhwa finds it hard to breath. They are waiting but Ikjun is not yet talking so she braced herself and finally spoke for the first time after his announcement. She needs to know—her question must be answered or else it will drive her crazy.
"Is she..." Songhwa spoke with her low voice, but it still got the attention of the four men. They are now looking at her. She cleared her voice and asked the question that has been bugging her.
"Is Hyejung pregnant Ikjun-ah? That's why you have to marry her?" Songhwa asked and directly looked at Ikjun's eyes.
I am not the kind of girl
Who should be rudely barging in on a white veil occasion
But you are not the kind of boy
Who should be marrying the wrong girl
Songhwa tried so hard to smile and straightened her dress and pulled her coat closer to her body. She fixed her hair once more and inhaled deeply and breathe out heavily before finally deciding to go to the entrance of the hotel where her friends are already probably waiting for her. Junwan has been calling her nonstop and she knows that he's already pissed because she's late for almost half an hour now.
Last month when Ikjun announced his marriage and said that everything was set already—she already started contemplating whether to attend his wedding or not. She's been thinking countless of acceptable reasons to excuse herself from a possibility of doing something stupid and to save herself from yet another heartbreak. She even prayed for an emergency patient to arrive before she left the hospital but yeah, she felt horrible and now she's here.
She thought she already moved on. She thought she already let go of her unrequited feelings. She thought she already accepted the fact that the love she thought they have is just one sided. She thought that she already forgot that she saw Ikjun in that light—that she crossed that blurred line and ended up with her first heartbreak. She thought—because if everything was true then she must not feel everything she's feeling at the moment.
Why does it hurt right now? Why does she want to hold him? Why does she want to beg him to choose and marry her instead? Why does a part of her urge her to do something stupid right now? Why is her mind telling her to fight for him this time and tell him how she feels? Why is her heart breaking with just the thought of losing Ikjun for the third time—and for good this time.
Shaking away her thoughts, she saw Seokhyeong waving at her. She instantly smiled—determined to mask her heartbreak and keep her thoughts away to prevent her friends knowing her internal battle.
"Why are you so late Chae Songhwa?!" an irritated Junwan asked her the moment she arrived in front of them. Seokhyeong instantly hit his arm and cursed at him.
"Don't mind him, he's just annoyed because Iksun made him her emotional punching bag." Jeongwon told her with a small smile. She was puzzled so she looked at him with a wrinkled forehead.
"Iksunie? Wae?" She asked him confusedly.
"She is still not enthusiastic with this wedding. You know she doesn't like Hyejung and she's vocal about not wanting this wedding to push through." Jeongwon explained and she now understands why. She did not even realize that her faced relaxed a little bit and a small smile grazed her lips.
She knows Iksun doesn't like Hyejung. She did not even hide her dislike towards her when they met. Ikjun told them how stressed he was when the two met for the first time. And when he told his sister about the wedding, she flat out disagreed and threatened him just so he will cancel the wedding. Iksun was not able to rebel anymore as their parents decided for this wedding too. She can only sulk—showed and voiced out her disapproval. She can't blame Iksun, they both know Ikjun deserves better.
The four of them entered and saw Ikjun's parents so they paid their respects. They were told that he went to get something from his assigned room for a little while. His parents told them to visit him after settling their things at their table, so they only agreed and greet them once again before they went inside and sat at their assigned table.
Two tables apart from where his parents were, and they are at the far-left side of the stage. Songhwa doesn't know what to feel—to be thankful that they are on the far-left side or cry because they are still in front, and she can clearly see where they will exchange their vows.
In the end, only her and Junwan went to Ikjun's assigned room to greet him before the ceremony starts. She doesn't want to but the three of them unanimously agreed that she needs to be there. Ikjun will be needing her so they want to send her alone, but she refused so Junwan decided he will go with her. The other two said they don't need to since they'll be seeing him in a moment, and they need to watch over their things from their table. Songhwa can only balled her fists inside her coat's pocket to remind herself that everything will be fine.
I sneak in and see your friends
And her snotty little family all dressed in pastel
And she is yelling at a bridesmaid
Somewhere back inside a room
Wearing a gown shaped like a pastry
Junwan looked at her before knocking softly at Ikjun's door. They both barely heard his answer—a simple "come in" from Ikjun—judging from his voice, he sounds lifeless. When they entered, they saw him looking at the clear window in his room where you can clearly see what's outside. He's just absentmindedly staring outside without even checking who entered his room. Junwan coughed lightly to get his attention, but he was still not sparing them a glance.
"Ikjun-ah.." she softly called his name and she saw how his body froze. His hands tensed and he slowly looked at them—he directly looked at her. She can now clearly see his face. She can hardly recognize the man in front of her. Gone was her goofball Ikjunie. The Lee Ikjun in front of her looks so haggard—like he barely had sleep. Not what she expected him to be like any other groom to be. His lack of sleep doesn't look like he was nervous nor excited at all.
He looks so sad—he looks so lost. Like he is questioning himself why he was in there in the first place. Gone is his warm smile and sunshine aura. Her Ikjun is not the one she's looking at right now. She felt her heart clenching because she's hurting for him. She doesn't know what to say so she was just looking at him. But the more she looked at his eyes, the more ache she felt. Looking at him right now is a torture for her. She can feel the pain slowly spreading through her system, so she looked away. She doesn't even know what to say to him right now.
"Yah Lee Ikjun, why do you look so glum right now?" Junwan broke the silence that was slowly killing her. She can't blame Junwan. Ikjun most likely looks like someone who will attend a funeral rather than his own wedding.
"Gwaenchana? You can still cancel this if you changed your mind. Iksun will be over the moon if you tell her. We will gladly be at your service, Saekki!" Junwan said in a joking manner but the three of them knows they are not kidding. She then remembers the day when Ikjun told them the news about his engagement with Hyejung.
"Is Hyejung pregnant Ikjun-ah? That's why you have to marry her?" Songhwa asked and directly looked at Ikjun's eyes. She saw him panicked and his eyes widened—definitely not expecting her question. Ikjun looked at the other three and he saw that they were also thinking the same, so he shook his head. The four finally heave a sigh of relief.
"Then what's wrong Ikjun-ah?" she asked once again. She looked at Ikjun again and patiently waited for his response. Because if she is not pregnant then what is the possible reason? Does he really love her that much to allow himself to be tied down and married to Hyejung? Just thinking about it broke something inside her. She doesn't know what hurts the most to think about—Ikjun impregnating Hyejung or Ikjun loving Hyejung enough to marry her. Feeling that her tears will fall anytime, she looked away and settles looking at her hand on her lap.
Oddly, she's looking at him the same way she did that day—only with a fervor of heaviness inside her. She can also see his intense gaze at her—none of them are willing to look away. Junwan cleared his throat, she's not sure how long has they've been lost just looking at each other's eyes. Ikjun then heaves a heavy sigh and looked at the window once more.
"I--I am not sure anymore if--if I a-am doing t-the ri--right thing." Ikjun inhaled deeply and looked at them "But I can't back out now, Junwanie." He answered while looking intently at Junwan then he moved his attention to her. "Not when I don't have enough reason at the moment." He said while he's staring deeply at her eyes—like he is slowly penetrating her inner-being and slowly crumbling the walls she tried so hard to build for the past years. The looks he's giving her is a look where he is silently pleading her to give him enough reason to back away.
Songhwa felt like her breathing will stop any moment now, so she looked away—now finding it hard to stand the way Ikjun looks at her. She can also feel her eyes stinging because of trying so hard to stop her tears from falling. Her throat aching because of holding the sobs threatening to go out of her mouth. She knows that her knuckles are now white inside of her coat's pocket.
The three of them are silent. Understanding the situation they are in, and grasping the reality they've been trying so hard to avoid. Ikjun then looked at his window again. Junwan went near him and simply gave his shoulder a light pat.
"We'll see you outside in a moment. Good luck, bro." Junwan then was about to walked past her when she held his hand to stop him. She looked at him questioningly.
"Yah where are you going?" she looked at him and saw how serious Junwan is right now. All of them are really not in a good mood then. She doesn't know if she'll be happy that she doesn't need to try so hard to hide the fact that she's not in favor for this wedding too.
"Talk to Ikjun first, he needs you. I'll wait outside." Junwan gave her hand a gentle squeeze before making his way outside the door. She can only sigh and close her eyes to composed herself. She then walks and went beside Ikjun and looked outside—the same way he's doing right now.
"Yaah Lee Ikjun.." she called his name once again. She honestly doesn't know what to say. For the first time, she doesn't know how to help her best friend. She knows Junwan left her to talk with Ikjun because they know she's the best one at that and they do believe that Ikjun listens to her—well they all do.
"Ikjun-ah, Junwan and Iksun are right you know? You don't have to do this. I'm sure your parents will understand too." She said softly, trying to hide the shakiness of her voice. Not wanting him to see the tears slowly forming in her eyes so she's still looking at the window.
"I'm not sure anymore. I also wanted this but why is it hard now that I'm close to finally doing it? I like Hyejung but.." If Songhwa was hurt when Ikjun told her he like Hyejung, she did not show it.
"If you're not happy then it's not worth it Ikjun-ah. I hope you'll choose to be happy and not live in regret for the rest of your life." Ha! What a joke. She's mocking herself for saying something she can't even do herself. What a joke Chae Songhwa.
"Songhwa-ya, do you know what I regret the most right now?" Ikjun suddenly asked her. She was surprised but she shrugged her shoulder since she doesn't have any idea about the answer he's looking for. She felt him moved, he walked closer to her and stopped with just a little space between them. She can feel that he is still looking at her, waiting for her to faced him but she did not.
"Being a coward. For not being brave enough." His answer confused her, so she looked at him. She saw how his eyes looked so sad—like he was being drown with regrets and repressed emotions. His eyes mirror hers and a slow realization hit her.
"For letting go and hurting the woman I loved and probably will be the only woman I'll ever see and love for the rest of my life." he continued which pretty much confirmed her thought. She doesn't know what to feel. She knows that she won't be able to conceal her tears now, so she hurriedly turned her back from him.
"I wish you'll be happy Ikjun-ah, we'll wait for you outside. Don't be nervous and good luck." and she quickly excused herself. Junwan was shocked when he saw her. She only told him to go back to their table as she needs to use the comfort room. Thankfully he did not ask more questions and simply nodded before he left her.
Without further delay, she went to one of the comfort rooms and let herself cried. For what reason? She doesn't know exactly. What she knows that time is she needs to let out the tears she's been trying to held in. She thought she already cried enough last night, but seeing Ikjun crumbled the shield she intentionally built. She just cried there for good minutes before fixing her face and went out to go to where her friends are probably waiting for her. She can only hope that they will not ask her questions and directly point out her puffy red eyes and nose.
While on her way to them, she saw Hyejung through the open door of her assigned room. She's smiling and laughing along with her friends and family who are present at her room. They look so lively, a very opposite from Ikjun's room. She doesn't want to, but she felt pity for Ikjun, for herself, and for what's coming for them. She then walked faster away from them.
This is surely not what you thought it would be
I lose myself in a daydream
Where I stand and say
Not long after, she went back to their table. Jeongwon and Seokhyeong only gave her a small smile which she gracefully returned. She's not sure what Junwan told them but she's just simply thankful that they did not ask her questions and did not point out her puffy eyes and red nose—evidence that she cried. The three were just simply talking about their patients and all while she just listens at them when Jeongwon suddenly pointed out Ikjun who now joined his parents on greeting the coming guests.
They all looked at him. She can't help but scoffed because of the smile that is now plastered in his face as if what happened from his room did not happen at all. She's not the only one though, Junwan clearly shows his disapproval and disgust seeing the Ikjun in front of them.
The Ikjun they are seeing now in front of them looks so happy and excited. Everyone who approach him congratulates him and can't help but laugh along with him—completely oblivious with the fact that the man they are talking to is trying so hard to hide his uncertainty and sadness. Even Jeongwon and Seokhyeong was fooled by him and Junwan was only shaking his head. Songhwa can only looked at him with her lingering gaze.
The four of them noticed the gradual changes of Ikjun since his engagement with Hyejung. Some may see him being even happier and excited but not when it comes to them—not when he is with them. If there's one thing Ikjun had mastered completely since they've known him—that is to fool others that he was not having a hard time nor there's a problem that he can't fix. Ikjun got even better living pretentiously for the past month.
Sometimes even them forgot about the situation Ikjun is currently in because that's how good he was—except Songhwa though. She's not buying the bullshit Ikjun is trying to create. She can easily see how tired he was and how heavy everything that is happening for him. She always caught on with the crack of his facade whenever she hit a spot each time she tried to talk to him, which he completely dismissed saying he is fine.
The four of them couldn't do anything because Ikjun tries so hard to laugh everything off. He may have been honest with them, but he still tried to get out of the serious talks and scolding by being the usual him—the jokester and prankster Lee Ikjun. Songhwa knew he is trying so hard to be her goofball Ikjun but she can tell he is failing miserably. She hates him for acting this way—for being this way.
"Well, something happened between us." Songhwa felt her heart being torn the moment she heard Ikjun's words.
She remembered his answer when she asked him what's wrong if he did not impregnate Hyejung and why is he rushing the wedding. She let out a snigger which earned a questioning look from her companions. She quickly dismissed them by shaking her head and acted like she is reading an important email from her phone. His words stuck in her and caused her sleepless nights. Well, what did she expect? Ikjun is a man and is in a relationship with Hyejung so it was just normal.
But that doesn't mean it did not hurt when she learned that something happened between them. She understands that but what she can't understand is why would he even settle on marrying her just because something happened between them and just because their parents told them so? It's not a thing that Lee Ikjun would do given that this will be a lifetime commitment and his life is at stake with this decision.
Songhwa was not sure how long has it been since Jeongwon was staring at her but when she put her phone down, Jeongwon's eyes are keenly looking at her—as if watching her every move. She raised her eyebrow and mouthed "wae?" at him but he just shook his head and looked away. She was bewildered with his unusual behavior but not wanting to pry further, she just let it go. They were silent for a moment before Jeongwon started telling stories about his new favorite patient.
She looked at Ikjun again. She can't help but be lost with her thoughts of 'what ifs' and 'what could have beens'. If only she was brave enough to confess her feelings to him. If only she was strong enough to work her courage on telling him that she loves him since the first time her eyes met his. How much things will be different right now? Is she and Ikjun will be able to get through things together and will be the one who'll get married by this time? Will they be happy?
Fond gestures are exchanged
And the organ starts to play
A song that sounds like a death march
And I am hiding in the curtains
It seems that I was uninvited by your lovely bride-to-be
Songhwa and Hyejung were not close, they are not friends either. The latter never hide how much she hates the fact that she's close to Ikjun. Songhwa on the other hand likes Hyejung—or maybe—only if she is not Ikjun's girlfriend and soon to be wife. Still, she tried her best to be civil with her. Thankfully there were not a lot of times they had to be together in one room since Ikjun only brought her once to formally introduced her as his new girlfriend.
Hyejung is not close to anyone from their group of friends. She may be a friend of Jeongwon but they were not that close either. Maybe that's also one of the reasons why Hyejung did not even tried to please them to like her for Ikjun. She did not try to reach out or to be open with the possibility of them being friends with her too or to be part of their group.
Songhwa is sure that if Hyejung will be given a chance to decide, she will not invite her to her wedding with Ikjun—which for the first time Songhwa will probably agree to her and how badly she wished she did. Because she knows that will be enough reason for her not to attend this wedding and to stopped herself from being forced to plastered fake smiles and put on a supporting and happy best friend facade.
She looks around and saw that not many people were invited for this wedding. It was probably just the family, some relatives, and close friends from both side of the bride and groom. She saw that most of the guests are from Hyejung's side. She has a lot of invited relatives and close friends—which she also believes are some of her clients and business partners.
On the other hand—his parents, his sister, some relatives, and only the four of them are from Ikjun's side. She looked at Iksun who is now staying with their parents and saw her not smiling at all. She was really shocked for this wedding, and she is also aware that she tried to talk about this with her parents and her brother but was left unheard.
She can't help but smile looking at her sullen face. She hasn’t seen Iksun for a long time since they were both busy—they all are but the two of them are really close. She takes note of approaching her later and talk to her. Maybe a secret alliance will be formed for their comfort and sanity.
She hasn’t seen her also greeting Hyejung or heard her talking about her. It's safe to say that Iksun is really not very fond of her soon to be sister-in-law. Is it bad for her to feel happy because of this? Is it not good that she is pleased to know that she is not the only one who hopes that this wedding will not happen at all?
A mellow music can be heard indicating that the ceremony will now start. She felt how clammy her hands were. She isn't even sure why she is shaking and nervous since it's not her who's getting married. Right. She is not the one who is getting married—Ikjun is the one who is getting married—and not with her. Now she feels like crying again.
She floats down the aisle like a pageant queen
But I know you wish it was me
You wish it was me
Don't you?
Hyejung is now walking with both of her parents on her side. She looked lovely and her face radiates glowing happiness—her eyes glistening. She looks around and tried her best to smile at every guest her eyes would land to. The bride really looks gorgeous and confident.
She then looked at Ikjun, he was smiling—but his smile is not reaching his eyes. She can feel her heart shattering with the sight she is seeing. Ikjun is not fine, and she knows he'll never be fine. Her best friend is not happy, and she knows she's not the only one who noticed this. They can all see the tears that is now threatening to fall from his eyes. Just when she thinks it couldn't get worse, Ikjun found her watery eyes.
He is looking at her again with the same look he gave her a while ago from his room. Songhwa doesn't know what to do. She wants to look away, but she can't. She's letting herself to feel this one last time and let her emotion took control of her body. She did not even hide the tears that are now falling from her eyes. If the three noticed—she's thankful they did not say anything and Seokhyeong simply handed her tissues to wipe away her tears.
She actually finds their situation funny right now. She can't help but let out a chuckle because she can't believe they are stuck in this situation. Everyone must think that Ikjun is crying because of happiness. Everyone may think she is crying because she is so happy for her best friend. They will not know that it was the other way around.
She looked at Ikjun who is still looking at her—his eyes never leaving her—after wiping away her tears. She gave him a small smile and mouthed "be happy". Ikjun shook his head and cried harder. She saw his shoulders shaking and him clenching his palms. She saw him pinched the bridge of his nose and closed his eyes probably calming himself. After she saw him inhaled deeply, he looked at her again with his woebegone eyes.
"Her father found out about it and asked me to marry Hyejung. I told him I'll talk with my parents first. I can't possibly tell him directly that I can’t, and I won't. I told my parents about it, and they agreed. I tried to talk to them, but they said we don't have a choice. No matter how many times I explained that we were just drunk, they told me to marry her. I don't have a choice, so I agreed." Ikjun told them and they couldn't believe it. It's like a different Ikjun.
"Just be honest Ikjun-ah, it's just us. You don't have to lie." Jeongwon encouraged Ikjun. They all know it was not just because his parents and Hyejung's parents said so. They know Ikjun, he will not do it just their sake knowing it is his life. She felt someone looking at her intensely, so she looked up and met his earnest gaze. She felt her heart beating rapidly with the look he is giving her. She felt like she is burning with his look. She did not look away and looked at him the same way, but he looked away not long after and spoke.
"It's because I realized what they said was true. I need to take responsibility for my action. Also, I am not getting any younger and we're very busy, so I won't have the time to find a wife then—to build a family with. And there's Hyejung who knows and understand me, we both have busy careers and" He stopped and looked back at her. His eyes seem to be talking to her. "I like her so it's not a bad idea to give this—us a try." He said those words seriously, but she saw it in his eyes, it was the opposite of what he is saying.
She then remembers him saying these the day he announced his marriage. She did not know what to do back then. She is confused. She can't help but feel that Ikjun was testing her—as if he knows her secret. She can't forget those eyes that looked at her as if seeing her soul—searching for something—the same way she did after he said he'll get married.
What happened from his room a while ago came rushing back in her mind. The confirmation with her thoughts and acknowledging the fact that she still loves her best friend—her goofball Ikjunie—her Ikjun. To tell the truth, she is sure she never stopped loving him—rather loved him even more. She loved him the first time she saw him, she loved him when they met for the second time, she loved him when he was just her friend—turned to best friend, she loves every version of Ikjun she got the privilege to get to know of.
Remembering the words he told her, she can't help but cry again. Questioning him in her mind if he is not regretting his choice, if he also wishes that she was his bride—the same way she wishes he will be her groom—while still looking at him.
Don't say yes, run away now
I'll meet you when you're out of the church at the back door
Don't wait, or say a single vow
You need to hear me out/ Your time is running out
And they said, "Speak now"
Who is she kidding? She loved Ikjun. She loves Ikjun. And she'll only love one person for the rest of her life—her Ikjun.
They were still lost in their own world—just looking at each other. She's not sure if the time stopped or just really slow but just looking at Ikjun is enough to shake her world. She feels the turmoil inside her—her heart and mind fighting, but both only wants her to be happy. She then heard Junwan talk.
"I really don't understand why he is doing this to himself you know." Junwan is clearly pissed—no, the word pissed is understatement because all of this are driving them insane.
"I think Ikjun thinks he'll be able to learn to love Hyejung with this marriage, so he agreed." Jeongwon answered which made them silent. Junwan scoffed probably thinking what a joke. She can't blame him. If it is indeed what Ikjun thinks then he's turned crazy.
She's still looking at him—and him looking at her. If people were confused or found out about them looking at each other—she doesn’t care anymore. She's looking at him with her eyes pleading. They are communicating through their eyes.
She can only hope that Ikjun sees in her eyes how much she wanted to stop him with his madness. Telling him to stop all of this before it's too late.
"Songhwa-ya.." Seokhyeong suddenly spoke which made her broke her gaze with Ikjun and the three of them looked at Seokhyeong. She was perturbed with the way he called her name and the way he is looking at her. The three of them are patiently waiting on whatever Seokhyeong was about to say.
"Isn't it time for us to do what we really want and not waste our time by being indecisive and letting ourselves stuck in the past? We're not getting any younger and wasting our time while we have a busy life ahead of us is not practical at all. If we are given a chance to be happy, shouldn't we grab it and accept it wholeheartedly?" he said seriously which puzzled her for his randomness—but is he really? Jeongwon and Junwan are just looking at her with their melancholic gaze.
"Seokhyeong-ah, wae irae?" she asked him with her shaky voice.
"I hope you'll choose yourself this time and be happy regardless even if you have to be selfish while you still have time. Let's not waste time anymore and let's only do the things we like and what will make us happy. This is for a whole life commitment we're talking about. After this, everything will change, and it will be harder to turn back time and live with regrets." he said then gave her a small encouraging smile. She looked at the other two who also have that hopeful gaze and encouraging smiles. She laughs at herself, so they finally found out, and they really knows. This past month has been hard not just for her, but for the five of them.
"We just want you to be happy, Songhwa-ya. You deserve it. We all do deserve it." Jeongwon told her and gave her hand a gentle squeeze. They were all just silent after that. They are giving her space and the limited time she needs to think.
She is still lost and still having an internal fight within herself. She knows she's almost there. Just a little more time.
She looks at Ikjun once more. He was still looking at her. Ikjun never stopped looking at her the moment their eyes met. It was like the first time they met. She can't help but feel her heart beating wildly.
It's not just about Ikjun looking at her or the shared secret feelings they are hiding but because she is aware that they only have a little time left for them—for her—to decide if to let things go and let what has been planned already to happen or to finally take courage and fight, to finally find their voice to speak and tell the world how much they love each other.
I hear the preacher say, "Speak now or forever hold your peace"
There's the silence, there's my last chance
I stand up with shaky hands, all eyes on me
Horrified looks from everyone in the room
But I'm only looking at you
When the host started to talk, Songhwa forgot everything and just let her mind and heart do what they dictate. She closed her eyes, inhaled deeply before heading out a heavy sigh—if the three looked at her she did not care anymore. She finally decided.
She stands abruptly creating unnecessary noise which got the attention of most of the attendees. She can feel everyone looking at her right now probably confused on what she's doing. She doesn’t care. She decided not to care. She's just looking in front waiting for Ikjun to find her eyes.
Everyone is silent until she heard soft murmurs probably asking what's happening and who the hell is she to cause havoc in this scared union everyone's been waiting for.
There, Ikjun finally found her gaze. She is just looking at him. Showing her vulnerability and not trying to hide her emotions and all the things she's been keeping inside her. All of her unspoken thoughts, her desires, her feelings, her repressed emotion—she tried her best to show it to him through her teary eyes.
She saw him swallowed as his adam's apple moved. His face softened and tears naturally flowed on his cheeks—both mirroring their sorrows and regrets—their unspoken truths and unshared love. She knows everyone was already forming theories in their heads.
She also knows that everyone is looking at her, at him. She knows Hyejung and her parents are looking at her as if wanting to bury her alive. She can also feel her friends' gazes, but she knows they have those smiles in their faces. She can feel their warm looks and Junwan and Jeongwon giving both of her hands a gentle squeeze as if encouraging her she's doing the right thing.
She doesn't give a damn and she decided not to let them get through her head again. She is determined this time. She's only looking at Ikjun as if only the two of them are existing at this moment.
Working on her courage once more, she clenched her fist and closed her eyes. She opened it and still found Ikjun intently looking at her, so she mouthed the word she's been wanting to tell him since the first time their eyes locked briefly the moment he handed her that scrunchie. "I love you."
She saw him froze. His eyes slightly widening in shock. But she also saw the smile slowly forming in his lips. They are both a crying mess, but she doesn’t care. She saw Ikjun mouthed "I love you too." and that's all she ever needed. She felt all the tense and anxiety leaving her body. She felt herself relaxed a little after she let out a breath of relief—she did not even realize she has been holding her breath.
Songhwa then started walking to the center and slowly stretched out her right hand as if reaching out to him and waiting for him to hold her hand. She saw how shocked Ikjun was with her braveness and forwardness—he is definitely not expecting her to do this thing in front of many people—and at his supposed to be wedding with a lot of attendees which are from Hyejung's side.
She really lost it. She was about to withdraw her hand and internally scolding herself. But just then, she heard a delighted shout from Lee Iksun.
"Fighting Unnie!!! Woooohhh!!!" she heard her shout—excitement and satisfaction were evident, and she can't help but smile. She'll not lie but that encouragement from Iksun made her completely discarded her fear and nervousness in her system—a surge of confidence flow in her body.
She finally arrived at the center and Ikjun is still looking at her questioning—as if asking her if she was sure. She gave him a nod and a huge smile with tears still falling from her eyes.
"Go get your man, chingu!!" this time it was Junwan who she heard shouting. He is clearly happy for her. She's sure the three of them were.
Songhwa heard the loud rumbles erupting from the venue. Panic arising from the guests but she's still looking at Ikjun and nothing else.
"Yaahh Oppa!! Mwohae?!?! Are you just gonna stand there? She's the only sister-in-law I approved of!!" Iksun shouted once again followed by her melodious laugh.
Songhwa is aware she's not acting like the usual her. And she knows if she's in her right state of mind, she'll never do this. She doesn't have the guts to. She doesn't even know where all her bravery and courage are coming from. All she knows right now is she doesn't want to let this one last chance go to finally be with Ikjun. She will not let this possibility of getting the love of her life and make him hers.
And you'll say, "Let's run away now"
I'll meet you when I'm out of my tux at the back door
Baby, I didn't say my vows
So glad you were around
When they said, "Speak now"
Finally, Ikjun started to walk to her direction while still looking in her eyes with a huge grin on his face—a waterfall tears flowing down on his cheeks. Hyejung halted him by holding his arm—looking so annoyed at Ikjun who did not even spare her a glance. She can see how tight her hold was, but Ikjun did not mind at all.
He slightly wiggled his arm from her hold indicating for her to let go while still not breaking their stare at each other. She saw Hyejung—from her peripheral vision—who vigorously shake her head and held his arm firmly. She did not mind her because she trusts Ikjun.
Ikjun then used a little more force to make Hyejung broke her hold on his arm and continued walking towards her without a second glance at the bride he left at the stage. Hyejung was shocked and she can't believe what had just happened. She was left there alone and just looking at her hand that she used to held back Ikjun but failed miserably.
Songhwa did not bother to hide her happiness with what Ikjun did. She was all smiles while patiently waiting for Ikjun to finally hold her stretched out right hand. It did not last long as her Ikun—yes, her Ikjun did not made her wait longer and practically did half-run just to reach where she is standing faster. Songhwa couldn't help but sob the moment she felt his warm big hands tightly gripping hers. He's finally in front of her.
She felt him squeezing her body with his embrace and she couldn't help but nestled her head in his neck and hugged him back fervently. Songhwa then felt his warm breath tickling her ears as he whispered softly "Let's get out of here" in her ears. She just nodded and she felt him holding her hand and practically pulled her only to realized they are now running away from everyone.
She heard the shouts coming from the people around them—Hyejung having the loudest shout calling out Ikjun's name—but the two of them did not mind them at all. She is sure Hyejung wanted to murder her for ruining her wedding, but she couldn't care less. All she thinks right now is that she loves Lee Ikjun the same way he loves her. That's what only matters for her right at this very moment. Surely there'll be a consequence for this but just for this time—just this once, she wants to be selfish and just think about herself—her happiness.
She looked at Ikjun who is also staring at her while they are running—holding each other’s hand tightly not wanting to let go—beautiful smiles plastered on their faces and the glow slowly blossoming in their aura as they let themselves indulge with the bliss they currently feel at this moment.
When they reached her car Ikjun hurriedly open the door for the passenger seat and urge her to sit. After making sure she safely climbed the car, he rushes to the driver's seat while she searches for her car keys. When Ikjun settled himself and the two of them buckled their seatbelts, Ikjun instantly drove away not letting anyone to held them back.
He instantaneously found her left hand and intertwined it with his right hand. She just looked at him with a huge smile on her face. Ikjun brought their hand closer to his lips and she felt his warm lips touching her backhand for a kiss while still intently staring at her eyes. She felt her cheeks turning warmer with his gesture, but she did not dare to look away. Her face glows in ecstasy—both of them couldn't contain the happiness they are feeling after their escapade.
Ikjun just drove without a proper destination in mind. She can hear both of their phones ringing nonstop, so she turned off her phone for a while and Ikjun asked her to do the same with his phone. After turning off their phones, their ride was silent but not awkward at all. They were enjoying the silence while holding each other's hand and a huge smile never leaving their lips.
The two of them stopped after reaching Samcheong Park. They both got off her car and walked side by side until they found a bench where they can sit. Both of them are still enjoying the silence they share while Ikjun is playing with their intertwined hands. She then rested her head on his shoulder and closed her eyes—enjoying the fresh air that embracing them.
Songhwa felt so much better and light-hearted after that stunt she pulled through. She doesn't even know if she commends or regret what she did. One thing is for sure though, she is sure as hell that what she did really made her happy.
She can't believe she is with Ikjun right now. That they are together because they both know they shared the same feelings for each other. Words aren't needed for them to affirm what they feel because they are both aware.
She is loving the silence and just being entangled with each other's embrace. Just being closer this much with Ikjun makes her forget about anyone and everything else. As long as she has him then it's all good.
She'll suffer and face the consequences of her actions later on. At least she has him with her side and she knows Ikjun will never let her get through anything alone especially now—not that he did let her face anything alone even when they were just friends—so she is well assured just knowing she has him with her.
She can't help but smile when she remembered Iksun and Junwan for the encouragement they gave her. She knows she owes them, even Seokhyeong and Jeongwon. She is so thankful to have friends like them. She knows she'll get nagged—well, both her and Ikjun will be nagged by them—because of how crazy what they did is, but she also knows they are proud of them.
After a while, Songhwa felt Ikjun's body slightly trembling, so she opened her eyes and checked him. She saw him silently crying—trying his best in avoiding her gaze. She looks at him worriedly and when he was still not looking at her, she softly held his face to make him look at her.
"Wae gurae, Ikjun-ah?" she asked him softly while caressing his face. She felt him leaned in with her touch and closed his eyes.
"I---I just ca--can't believe that you a--are real and that--that you are here wi-with m-me." he answered her shakily and held her hands that are still holding his face. Seeing him like this broke her. She cradled his face and gently pulled him in her embrace. She felt him inhaling her scent and his face snuggled to her neck. She can feel his warm breath in her neck and him mumbling something so she can feel his lips slightly grazing her neck.
They stayed in that position for a little longer while she was patting his back. Ikjun jiggled slightly from her embrace, so she let him go.
"Mianhe, Songhwa-ya. Jeongmal mianhe.." he suddenly said and his voice cracked. She knows Ikjun is having a hard time right now.
"Ikjun-ah.." She was about to say something but he hushed her by placing his index finger in her lips and pleadingly looking at her.
"I'm sorry for being a coward—for not being brave enough to tell you how much I love you." he is straightly looking at her eyes. The look he is giving her right now makes her feel wonders. She can feel his overflowing sincerity and his vulnerability in front of her.
"I am so sorry for backing away that night, for indirectly rejecting you, for unintentionally hurting you. That ni--." She cut him off because honestly, she don't think she want to hear everything or anything he has to say right now. Of course, she know they still need to talk, and they will talk, but not right now. All she want is to hear him say he loves her and just to spend this day without thinking much about anything else but their love and happiness.
"Can we--can we talk about that some other time Ikjun-ah? I just really want to spend this day with you without thinking about anything else at the moment. Can we--can we spend this day as if nothing happened and just--just h--" She wasn't able to finish what she is saying as he crashed his lips with hers.
It was just a slight peck at first, but it slowly turned into a sweet and passionate kiss. He cradled her face and pulled her closely to his body. Through his kiss, she can feel his pain, longing, regrets, and his unspoken love—he kissed her sensely. She kissed him back with the same intensity as if memorizing the feel of his lips on hers. She kissed him with the intent of showing him and letting him know with all the words they've kept amongst themselves for a long time.
"I love you so much, Chae Songhwa. I knew I love you the moment I saw you tying your hair. I fell for you the first time our eyes met. I love you the second time I saw you. I love you every time I see you. I love each and every version of you. Oh God, I just love you so much. The first and only woman who got my attention and made me fall for her and had a hold on me—in a snap with the tip of her fingers—since the first time I met her." He told her the moment they broke their kiss. They were both panting and trying to catch their breath after that long kiss they shared.
"I love you too, Lee Ikjun. Since that day and all the days after that. I love you every day and I loved and love you all the same—every version of the Lee Ikjun I know." She declared and rested her forehead against his while he is still holding her face.
"I love you, my first and last love."
"I love you, too, so much, my greatest and one and only love."
...