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"Why did your parents ask when we're gonna date each other?"
Bora and Minji are in the winter carnival, which isn't far from Minji's house. They finished Christmas dinner together. They've been good friends for years, so it's not strange that Bora is having dinner with Minji's parents. Bora already considers Minji's parents like her own.
"Ignore them. They kept asking me that for a long time ago." Minji says as she pulls Bora closer before some people who don’t use their eyes bump into her and curse them silently after they walk past them.
"Yeah?" Bora furrowed her brows. "That's funny."
Minji only responds with a half-smile as the word funny comes out from Bora. It is not the first time her parents are pushing their agenda, and Minji is tired of telling them that they're just friends. Minji did the best to act casually with Bora, but maybe she underestimated her parents' observation skills. Or perhaps they love Bora very much. Minji even thinks her parents will stop asking about it only if Bora is married.
"Yeah, right."
Minji is looking up to see the giant wheel with colorful carts spinning while Bora takes time to check her phone, obviously replying to something but still keeping her arm linked to Minji’s. A group of students behind them plays rock paper scissors to choose the pairs. It makes her recall her high school days and how seven of them always decided anything with the same method. Minji and Bora often ended up together, sharing something sweet or doing stupid things together. The memories bring a smile to Minji. How many nights have they spent with each other until now? Minji loses count. Bora is in half of her life.
It's their turn to step in, and they take place facing each other. Bora puts her phone in her bag when the Ferris wheel starts to spin. The girl begins pointing to some spots down there when they're already high enough, guessing what building is that, what area is that. Her eyes are reflecting lights from below; it’s glowing. Like all the constellations decides to move into Bora's eyes. And for Minji, those are the most beautiful eyes she has ever seen.
Bora shouts, surprising Minji first before she realizes the reason behind it. The Ferris wheel stops, and the lights around them are dead. Their cart is swaying. It is frightening because they're almost at the very top. People in another cart are yelling because now they're stuck, hanging far from the ground. And someone from down there was screaming about electricity problems and asking them to wait calmly.
"I guess we'll be up here for a while."
Minji says to Bora, who finally relaxes in her seat. Despite her tiny frame, Bora is the strongest and the bravest person she knows. If there's something that can scare her off, it's a horror movie. It's funny because Bora almost punched one idiot back then in PE class to stand up for one loner in their class. Bora couldn’t stop thinking about that girl who was constantly getting bullied by that jerk and decided to stop being a bystander the next day. Minji always tells the tale to their new friends as a form of pride.
"What was your answer to them?"
It makes Minji perks up. "Huh?"
"Your parents." It’s bright enough for Minji to see her friend’s gaze remain on the city below them (or maybe because Minji remembers every curve of it). "When they asked you about us, dating."
The imagination about their dating makes Minji shift in her seat, knowing what she will be saying is hurting herself.
"What else can I say? We're best friends. Besides, you know my type."
There goes the biggest lie she ever says. It's impossible not to like this woman. She watches how her tiny friend grows, and she can’t help but think that God isn't fair enough when He made Bora. Minji understands well why boys are chasing her, and even girls want to be her.
And Minji? Minji is just someone with not enough gut to tell her the truth.
"Wait?" After a few seconds, Bora turns her head and gives Minji a disbelief look, "Should I feel offended?"
Minji wants to say you shouldn’t, but she shrugs her shoulders instead and averts her stare to look back at the view. It's another sight she will miss half to death. The neighborhood where she grows up, the familiar streets and alleys, all her favorite restaurants, cafes, and this winter carnival she visits almost every year.
Minji glances at Bora, who's pressing her palm against the glass. The eyes that were shining now were not as bright as before.
"I'm gonna miss you," Bora breaks the silence with her unusual smile.
It might be the right time for Minji to say that they still could be best friends despite the distance. She could say there's an invented technology called video call these days. Or she could even make a joke about it. Name it a long-distance friendship and call Bora stupid because they will stay the same. But these weird lumps in her throat could only manage to say, "Me too, Bora."
Then Minji remembers her plane ticket tucked in the middle of the passport inside her bag. She remembers the silver luggage she hasn't locked yet in her room. She remembers how many things she wished to bring along, but she couldn't. And she hates the fact that these heavy suffocated feelings for her best friend are one of them.
Even these stupid swaying carts couldn't beat the restless feeling in her heart. It's been bugging her for a long time because it's always there, no matter how many times she tries to push it to the corner or look for a replacement. There's an undeniable urge in her heart to tell Bora because she realizes the future will change them somehow. People change.
"I lied."
It catches Bora off guard, "What? You're not going to miss me?"
Minji bits her lips while staring in the other direction, gathering her courage here and now. The start is already out, and she needs to finish.
"No, no. Not that one." Minji waves her hand in the air, knowing there won't be any moment she doesn't miss her best friend. "I mean, I lied to my mom and dad. And you."
"What- why? What are you talking about?"
"The truth is," Minji takes a deep breath, bracing herself for the impact. "I do have feelings for you."
Bora's eyes widened, her finger pointing to herself. "Me?"
Minji nods, trying to flash her casual smile; even what will happen is an absolute blur. It's scary.
"I like you, Bora. I thought it was just a stupid crush or something, but no, I’m in love with you."
Bora stares with her lips open then closed. Silence fills the cart, but Minji's heart is screaming. Minji knows where this all leads, so she looks away. She doesn't want to show her sadness.
Not now, not to Bora.
"You- you don't have to say anything. I know you only see me as your friend, and you don't even swing that way. It's okay. I just need to get this out of my chest," Minji exhales, "since I'm moving tomorrow." the last one coming in a quiet voice.
Is she finally okay? Yes, one burden in their friendship is gone, but they might not be the same on the other side. The ominous possibility always comes first, and she cannot wipe it from her mind.
"Minji, I-"
Minji gingerly puts her hand on Bora's knee. She's wondering if their relationship will turn out this way. Like walking on a thin line because she's afraid some gesture will make Bora uncomfortable. Despite her slight regret and pain, she still wants to keep Bora. The girl has always been her most important support system, a best friend, a family. The one she treasures the most in her life.
“It's fine, I understand." Minji nods and gives a comforting smile. (Even though she feels like her heart is going to burst out of her chest).
As if people down there know they need a moment of distraction, the electricity around them is back on. Minji retracts her hand when the Ferris wheel starts to move—switching her attention to someone from another cart that celebrates the moment with a loud voice.
"I guess we can go back home tonight," Minji says as she leans back to her seat.
They walk home in silence; only the sound of the night street fills their ears. The night feels much colder when Bora doesn't link her arms to Minji. Her eyes are looking at everything except Bora ‒ praying to God for the heartache and begging Him to take all her love for Bora, but not their friendship.
"Minji, how long have you been hiding this?" Bora asks when they just stare at the ceiling filled with stars from the projector Bora gave her when she was 24. Minji is still debating whether to bring the projector along or not. It's almost 3 AM, but they can't sleep.
"Long enough," Minji answers without spilling the details. The realization began when they were on holiday with a group of friends. One of their closest friends 一 the one Minji thought would never like Bora more than that 一 wants her to help him pursue Bora. She didn’t give him a clear answer back then. It takes many nights to realize that there was a fit of jealousy in her heart.
"How could you hide your feelings that long?" Bora is moving in her place, and when Minji feels a tiny warm hand squeeze hers, she is in relief. She needs that little thing to stay.
But no, she won't tell Bora that she got help from a few girls she dated in the past.
"You forgot the fact that you're my best friend. And I confessed because I didn’t know how long I would stay there. We can grow distant," she turns to Bora and finds her friend staring back. "I just don't want to live in regret."
Bora leans closer to wrap her arms around Minji, burying her face to Minji’s shoulder. They used to do this, but it feels different after the truth is out. Minji isn't sure why Bora hugs her like this, but she decides to comfort the girl, whatever Bora might feel inside, so Minji holds Bora's arm and rubs it gently. Like she always does. They just let the silence sit there until they fall asleep. It's Minji last night here, and spending it with Bora is the best she could ask.
Minji and Bora stand in front of a gigantic screen full of letters and numbers. The airport is full of people carrying their luggage. Some of it looks heavy, and some look light as a feather ‒ which somehow makes Minji envious. Her flight departs in two hours, yet goodbye is still the hardest thing to say.
A hand slips to Minji's, and she turns to see Bora looking at her. Even when her lips are curved, Minji knows the girl is sad. It shows in her eyes. Minji pats her little friend's head, "I'm just one call away."
Bora pouts, but Minji draws the picture of it in her mind. She will miss Bora a lot every day, and it would be challenging because of their time difference, even if it is only a few hours.
The clock is ticking, and Minji wants to hug Bora so bad. But Bora beats her.
The girl springs forward and hugs Minji, a little bit too rough until Minji almost loses her balance. The touch of Bora’s nose and lips on the crook of her neck makes Minji dizzy. It takes a moment for Minji to wrap her friend with her slender arms.
"What would I do without you here?" Bora mumbles, lips moving on Minji's exposed skin.
Minji doesn’t answer because she believes Bora will be fine. She'll always be an independent woman. But since Bora mentions it, Minji wants to ask herself (wondering if Bora has an answer).
With her eyes closed, she asks back, "What would I do without you there?"
There goes another silence in the hectic airport and another unanswered question. But they stay in the same position. Both of them were unwilling to let go.
“I hate you.”
Minji opens her eyes, brows furrowed. “Huh?”
“I hate you for not telling me sooner.”
"Bora? What do you mean?" Minji forces herself to lean back, releasing herself to get more context from her friend. Instead of getting her answer, she feels a soft familiar hand cup her cheek, and it moves to the back of her neck, holding her from making a distance.
"I’m sorry I didn’t say anything last night," Bora takes a long breath, eyes full of regret, "I don’t know why I didn’t, but I have feelings for you, Minji. I thought it would go away. I – I like you."
Minji stares at her left eye, then her right, trying to process all of this sudden epiphany. Minji tries to find something in those brown orbs, but it's hard to think when Bora has her gaze land on her lips. There's a different atmosphere surrounding them. There's something unexplainable in how Bora looks at her lips, and Minji is drowning in it. Something in the air keeps pulling her closer.
Not sure who's moving first, but their forehead is touching, their noses are brushing. They're too close until Minji can feel how cautiously they breathe, too close for her to smell Bora's mint candy she always keeps in her bag. It's too close to thinking straight. They keep getting closer, and Minji is very eager to let her temptation take control. Just for once.
Just for this time.
One...
Two...
Bora's favorite song blasts from her bag just when their lips are almost crashing. Wake them up when they're nearly colliding. Minji is the first one to pull back as the realization begins to fill her brain about one name who’d appear on that screen. She knows because it's also his favorite song 𑁋 their favorite song.
Minji clenches her jaw as she catches her breath. She needs to say something. She wants Bora to say something about this.
But there's one hand still holding the back of her neck. There’s the girl who still bites her lips with her head down. There’s the longing in those eyes when they finally open, but don’t dare to meet Minji's. And for the first time in her life, Minji wants to invade her mind – to explore every corner of it to find an explanation.
"Minji.." Bora barely says.
The phone stops ringing, but the pain in her heart becomes louder. "We can't."
There's a red flag waving – warning her to stop following her heart's desire, and Minji hates how she needs to repeat, "Bora, we can't."
"Minji.."
The way Bora whispers her name once more makes Minji tighten her grip on Bora's waist. She is so close to leaning forward and pretends not to give a fuck that Bora has someone who's waiting for her. She desperately wants to cross the line. But her man is great. Minji knows because she'll never let Bora date someone with a bad personality. Bora deserves all the best things in the world. And he treats Bora good, too good it makes her aching.
"We're both so stupid."
Minji winces. She agrees about it. They’re wasting all the time playing dumb, pretending to be a saint for the sake of friendship. It’s too late now.
"I should listen to my parents more next time." She lifts her hand to caress Bora's cheek until the girl finally lifts her head and stares right into Minji. Her gaze is as warm as a summer night.
"Someday, Bora. Maybe someday."
Bora leans to the touch then nods. Both mirror the same sad smile on their face as Minji takes a step back, getting ready to walk inside.
It is still overwhelming, even if they didn't kiss. Those I like you are still echoing in the back of her mind until they part ways, and Minji is wondering how long it will stay in her mind.
Today Minji chooses a window seat, a spot she never chose before when she's flying alone. There's still time before take-off, so she scrolls through her gallery and only looks at her picture with Bora. Her mouth curves when she looks at their pose in one of the photos, pressing their cheeks together. It is supposed to be easier after her confession, but Minji doesn't feel that way. What happened earlier plays in her mind and only makes her heart heavy. She rests her head on the plane seat and closes her eyes as she starts to think about what if. What will happen if she confesses from the start instead of being a coward? What happens if the damn phone doesn’t ring?
Someone next to Minji bumps her shoulder while trying to find their seatbelts, interrupting her thoughts. The older woman is muttering an apology in a foreign language. It reminds her that she's about to start a new life overseas. Her life is about to change. Minji looks back at her phone, staring at the two-person who smiles happily. There's a recent photo they took after her family dinner last night. She stands next to Bora while her parents are sitting in front of them. Maybe her parents not only noticed Minji's secret feelings, but they saw something about Bora too.
A good-looking steward begins to close the overhead lockers. Some people are turning off their phones; some people are preparing themself to sleep. Somehow they all look ready to leave, everyone except Minji.
But then again, life doesn't always give her what she wants. Or maybe that was how the universe tells her that they shouldn't be more than friends. So Minji decides she won't ask further about their almost kiss even after she lands on the other side of the world. Not when Bora still has someone. She will keep it even though Bora might have the same thoughts. Even her heart will always be questioning that longing gaze that shares the same desire as her. Even it makes her heart flutter and broken at the same time.
For now, they can only walk hand in hand as a friend. Disguise all the real feelings behind what everybody calls platonic friendship. No one knows what the future brings, but Minji will try everything to keep Bora. Even if it means she needs to sacrifice her feelings, finding a thousand ways to forget the possibilities. Or maybe that 'someday' really exists, and she needs to keep moving. And if it never happens, she believes she will be okay. They will be okay.
Because sometimes, almost is just enough.
So before the steward instructs Minji to turn off her phone, she posts one picture. It was when they were at the cherry blossom festival. She reads the caption she wrote underneath before turning off her phone with a tiny smile on her lips, thinking about Bora. It's time to let go of the huge baggage inside her heart that belongs to her best friend.
See you again someday <3