Work Text:
They’ve fallen into a pretty familiar routine when it comes to accommodating Ethan. Mostly consisting of being able to take a break when he needs to or having less pressure to talk during interviews. Everyone, despite whether or not they understood exactly why, is pretty flexible with the arrangements and for a while he feels genuinely confident about being in a group as loud as Måneskin.
That is.. until an American interview blows up in his face.
It isn’t even a bad interview, the lady is asking genuine questions and they’re all engaged at one point or another. He even answers a few questions throughout the start. Although for some reason, Victoria and Thomas look like they got hit by a bus after a long night of partying. Should have had a rest.
“So tell me why you guys have such a strong, confident image and yet you still put out more vulnerable lyrics with songs like Coraline and Vent'anni?” Victoria answers as Ethan takes a sip from his water.
“We’ll I think we all believe it’s important to write what we know whether that’s depression or autism.” She says without thinking as she nods towards Ethan and he almost chokes on his water. Victoria flushes red before trying to figure a way out of the situation. “Anxiety, scusami. Too much English today.” Ethan clenches his jaw tightly and forms his hands into tight fists to contain the fight or flight response begging to kick into overdrive. Ethan.exe shutting down
The rest of the interview feels like he’s stuck in a glass jar of honey, unable to move or speak freely, the world muffling around him. He anxiously taps his toes inside his boot, grateful that you wouldn’t be able to see it. Once they all exchange thank yous and goodbyes, with a fragile facade of calm, Ethan bolts to the car. The car ride back to the hotel is done in complete silence, only broken by the sound of nervous tapping on the arm rest. When they arrive back at the hotel, he sprints up to his room, about to slam the door until he feels a hand on his shoulder and suddenly all he can feel is word vomit.
“What the fuck!” He shouts as he turns around into the face of a mortified Victoria.
“Ethan calm-” Thomas tries to mediate.
“No! No, I’m not calm. Why would you say that?”
“I’m sorry, it was a mistake” Victoria tries to plead but only makes the sting in his chest worsen.
“Ethan, it's not a big deal.” Thomas tries to reason and Ethan stomps on the ground, causing Victoria to gasp at his reaction.
“Not big? No it is! It is! Because for as long as I remember, people have only used my autism as some fucked up justification to taunt me. Even you guys made fun of my traits when we first started. And you know what, it fucking hurts! So having you announce it to the world without any of my opinion fucking hurts Victoria! The idea of the whole world knowing without any control over it feels like I’m dying.” Ethan is practically heaving by the end of his shouting match and Victoria’s face is a ghostly white. The room is silent until Victoria peeps.
“Ethan.”
“No! Get Out Vic!” He shouts at the wall, unable to handle anymore eye contact. When the roon falls eerily silent once more and he can still feel Vic’s puppy dog expression glued onto him. He shouts again as he begins to pull on his hair. “Out! Out! Out!” He repeats until he hears two pairs of footsteps exit and the door close. “I can’t do. I can’t.” Ethan flaps his hands jerkily at his sides as his breath races from underneath him. He struggles to let out screams he so desperately needs to.
“Yes you can. But one step at a time.” Damiano keeps his voice low and leveled, trying not to show how nervous he is at seeing Ethan so distraught.
“No I can’t” he tries to pick up a drum stick but with his nerves trembling through his hands, the stick hits the coffee table. Making a large “bang” that causes Ethan to squeeze his hands over his ears and yelp.
“Okay come here.” Damiano allows Ethan to cry into his shoulder and squeezes him with all his strength, ensuring to apply the pressure evenly as they rock side to side.
—-
Victoria stumbles out of the room with her jaw still open as Thomas shuts the door gently behind them. She slowly makes her way to her room, though her body feels like she’s somehow floating yet simultaneously tied to weights on the ground. She musters up enough control over her body to throw herself onto the bed and place a pillow over her face to muffle a scream.
“Fuck Vic.” Thomas lets out a frustrated sigh.
“I know!” She screams into a pillow.
“That was really shit.”
“I know!” She throws the pillow at him and shouts even louder than before. Mortified at herself with the events that just unfolded.
“What happened?” he asks as he plonks himself onto the chair beside her and she looks away from the roof to meet him.
“I fucked up okay? It just came out without a second thought and I didn’t even realize what I said until Ethan nearly choked on his drink like some American sitcom.”
“Maybe they’ll just believe it was an English mixup. They both start with A.” Thomas tries to lighten the mood but they both know that’s bullshit. The American press, no matter how nice they seem, love drama. And discovering that one of the members of the fastest growing rock groups in music is autistic would get a lot of attention. Both good and hurtful.
“Fuck, I’m a horrible friend.” She stands up to start pacing along the side of the bed, in front of Thomas as she throws her hands in the air.
“Vic, don’t.”
“No, I am. I am a horrible friend. You heard what he said. How could I be a good friend and yet carelessly reveal such a personal part of himself to the whole world without his input whatsoever. I’m mortified at myself!” Thomas stands in front of Victoria to help put a halt to her pacing and she looks up to him with watery eyes. He puts his hands on her shoulders and calmly responds to her panic.
“Victoria, you made a mistake okay? We all make mistakes. We make even more mistakes when we’re tired and have interview after interview. It’s just a lot to process but once he’s calmed down, we can all talk things through.” She takes a deep breath before turning around sharply.
“I’m going to buy him a gift.” She pronounces as she already begins to locate her purse.
“No you’re not.”
“Yes, I am. When I’m stressed, I shop. So come on.” She doesn’t accept any contest from Thomas and is already pacing out the door, the plan forming in her mind.
—-
“Are you alive over there?” Ethan can hear a voice groan dramatically from across the room. Suddenly a large spout of light hits his face and he realizes Damiano lifted the pillow off his face. He watches the singer smirk. “Good, I don't think anyone else is mental enough to fit in with the rest of us.” Ethan sits up as he registers the sentence.
“Did you seriously just joke about being mental? Today of all days?” It takes Damiano a few seconds to rewind the sentence but Ethan lets out a small smile at the look of pure regret that flashes across Damiano’s face the moment he realizes what he’s said.
“Oh shit. Dude, I'm sorry.” Damiano apologizes but starts laughing as soon as Ethan smiles. Ethan lets out a small chuckle and responds softly and Damiano sits back down in a large chair.
“No, it's fine. I’m too tired to care, to be honest.” He murmurs his second sentence but it doesn’t go unnoticed by an attentive set of ears.
“How are you feeling now?” Ethan shrugs as he begins to twirl the drumsticks he left beside his bed. “You know Fabrizio might be able to talk to them about removing that part? If you want, I mean.” Damiano attempts to offer some guidance but knows it's pretty useless. Usually when someone needs emotional comfort, it’s Ethan or Vic. Ethan pauses to think about the tempting offer before shaking his head.
“No. I know that if I do that, I'll still be worried someone will leak it.” He mumbles softly as he begins to chew the inside of his lip.
“Yeah I'm really sorry dude. This sucks.” They sit in silence until Damiano comes up with a plan. “I’m going to order some lunch if you’re feeling okay.” Ethan nods and Damiano gets up from his seat. “Why don’t we watch.. What’s the one with the little wrinkly thing and drew barrymore?”
“E.T?” Ethan guesses on the singer’s behalf and Damiano clicks his fingers.
“Yeah, that sounds good?” Ethan nods, smiling slightly at how Damiano does try his best to help him. “Fuck yeah, i’ll get popcorn.”
“You don’t need to do this.” Ethan whispers as he fiddles with his thumbs, rubbing them along the quilt. Damiano shakes his head and puts up a finger to silence Ethan.
“Ah ah ah. No. You’ve had a shit day, take care of yourself.” Damiano shuts down any possibility of negative self-talk from the timid drummer and leaves the room.
As the movie comes to a close, there’s a rapid fire round knocking at the door all of a sudden and Damiano slowly moves to answer the door. “You want me to tell them you need more time or?” Ethan shakes his head, knowing that the guilt for making Victoria upset will eat away at him on top of everything else if he doesn't say something sooner rather than later.
The girl bursts through the doors and throws a shopping bag into Damiano’s arm, nearly sending him to the ground. “What the fuck is this? A tombstone?” He cries out as he thuds the bag down beside Ethan.
“I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. That should have been up to you to decide when, where, how and who knows and if i wasn’t a moron and didn’t go out partying every night this week, i would have had the brain cells to stop that from happening. But I didn't, it’s my mistake and I'm sorry.” She bables out all at once, physically not able to keep her regret contained for any longer.
“Vic it’s fine.”
“Are you sure?” He nods and she takes a sigh of relief. “Well good because otherwise giving you a gift would feel awkward.” He turns red in the face with embarrassment and sits up straight.
“Vic you didn’t need to.” He spits out but Victoria looks away to show she’s not listening to it.
“Hush. I was stress shopping.” She signals to Damiano to help her lift it onto the bed and Ethan scrunches his eyebrows in confusion. “Now, this is meant to help you regulate the same way a hug would. So now you can always have a way to help yourself stay calm when you don’t want to talk to either one of us.” They pull out a dark blue weighted blanket and sprawl it out over the bed. As soon as the blanket lands in his lap, he can feel his body let out a deep exhale and he smiles calmly. Wishing he could curl up in this peaceful moment forever instead of the storm he knows is about to approach them.
“Hey what’s going through your head?” Thomas asks and Ethan tries to explain the uneasy feeling in his gut.
“I’m not mad at anyone I swear. I’m just upset that this is something I have to worry about in the first place.” The room is silent as he tries to think of a way to phrase his insecurity. “I can’t be me and still look like I belong here.” Victoria, Damiano and Thomas look confused and ready to debate as soon as he finishes. He takes in a deep breath before continuing. “When they release that interview, all I become is the baby of the group that everyone pities or I become dead weight.”
“Ethan, we love you but you are the baby of the group.” Thomas replies and the group hisses responses.
“Excuse me?” “Dude.” “Thomas!” They all cry out.
“Hear me out.” Thomas puts his hands up in a fake surrender and a small grin forming. “Ethan has always been the ‘baby’ of the group in a way. I mean fans always love how calm and considerate he is. It’s what makes you stand out from Damiano who’s known for being really hot but also an asshole.”
“Hey!” Damiano detests immediately with a middle finger.
“He’s not wrong.” Ethan pipes out and Thomas continues on.
“Exactly. Fans like you because you’re calm and wise but also because you’re an excellent drummer. Hell, Mark Rosen, your goddamn idol has even talked about how good your live drumming is. Just because the world might learn about your autism, it doesn’t take away any of your personality and it especially doesn’t take away from your skills.”
There’s a silence that floods the room as Ethan takes Thomas’ oddly wise words into account. It’s not anything they haven’t told him before but it’s something he needed to hear today more than ever. Damiano breaks the silence with some odd advice.
“I think you should just tell people yourself.” Damiano advises Ethan and he feels his eyes nearly pop out of his head? In what world would that make me feel better? How would that possibly work? “I can’t truly get what you're feeling because your brain is some labyrinth far too complex for any of us. But from what you’ve been saying, i think you just need to dive in and explain it in a short video. That way you get to control what people learn about it.” Damiano finishes his explanation and Ethan begins to entertain such a wildly idiotic fantasy.
“Hey, maybe some mini version of Damiano and me will watch it, and then they won’t be assholes like we were.” Thomas argues and Damiano nods in agreement.
“Or, more importantly. A little Ethan will know that he can belong in a badass group like Måneskin.” Victoria adds on and the room is silent as he thinks to himself. Did he actually have the guts to do this? Did he really trust his friends this much? They’re right. Why are you guys usually right?
He nods and they all smile as they get up to exit. Victoria responds. “Okay, well if you need space to film.”
“Actually, can you guys be in it as well?” He quickly adds on and they all stop. He flushes red with embarrassment but he knows he’ll only get through this with them by his side. “You don’t need to say anything, I just.”
“Of course we’ll help, Ethan.” The three of them comfort him in sync before they all burst out laughing at the coincidence.
—-
“You want to livestream this?” Damiano asks out of confusion, knowing that Ethan is usually one to pay attention to little details and thus, an impromptu announcement feels odd.
“If i let myself edit what i say, i’ll cut the entire thing.” He replies promptly and they all shrug.
“Okay then, let’s do this.” Thomas leans forward to press record and Ethan can feel every fiber of his body screaming at him for doing this. “Tre, due, uno.” The room is silent as comments begin to flood in, questioning the unprecedented livestream from the quiet drummer. He takes a deep breath before beginning.
“Ciao. Ho qualcosa che devo spiegare su di me.” Hi, i have something i need to explain about myself.
He rambles on for far longer than he means to, explaining how he felt as a kid, why he didn’t make it public sooner, why he decided to make it public now. Anything and everything his mind can think of. Eventually he cuts himself off and Victoria helps him save the livestream to his account.
They wait for a while and order food up to the room, everyone being slightly too anxious to go out after watching Ethan be so personal. He manages to hold out just under an hour before he grabs his phone to read the first comment that pops up.
Big mistake.
His eyes are glued on the first comment he sees until Damiano takes the phone out of his hand. “What does it say?” Victoria anxiously snatches the phone and the three of them lean over to read it. “Fuck that.” Thomas complains but the comment has already sewn itself into Ethan's anxious stomach.
“This was a mistake.”
“Ethan.” Damiano tries to calm his nerves but they’ve already catapulted into the stratosphere. Vic and Thomas are still scrolling and a sense of relief washes over them as they continue reading but their expressions are completely missed by the drummer.
“This was a terrible idea, I need to take it down.” He lunges forward but Damiano holds the phone out of his reach, waiting for him to not be on the verge of tears before they move forward with anything.
“Ethan.” The other three try to get his attention.
“No, this is a horrible idea. I just fucking ruined any chance of staying successful.”
“Ethan!” Victoria shouts and he freezes. He looks up to see her soft smile as she extends the phone towards him. “Keep scrolling.” He nervously takes the phone, holding his breath for another gut punch.
“I relate to this story so much”
“We love you Ethan!”
“The idea that I can still be me and be successful in music is so comforting.”
“As someone with Autism, this makes me so happy.”
“Thank you so much for sharing this with the world, you can’t imagine how happy this makes me.”
“Thank you!”
He looks back to his friends with watery eyes and laughs in pure disbelief as the wave of relief and euphoria hits him. “I actually did it.”