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I'll take one more sleepless night

Then book the cheapest flight

Buy my head some space to clear

There's no time to cut and run

I can't think 'bout what I've done

To get me here

  1992

There was a new kid in the neighborhood, Taehyun was quick to notice. He looked out the window to see him riding a skateboard on the street. 

Tempting, but Taehyun still faced down at his book again, eyes following the lines of text on the paper. 

Beomgyu was the first to befriend him, his laugh, mixed with the new kid’s,  reached Taehyun’s window, making him peek again. He decided to leave the book he was reading and go out. 

“Taehyunie!” Beomgyu smiled at him, a bandaid on his chin from a recent bike accident. “This is Yeonjun hyung, he’ll teach me how to skate.”

Taehyun looked at Yeonjun hyung up and down and fixed his glasses up his nose, Yeonjun had ripped jeans and a big blue shirt, his skateboard was filled with stickers, he looked just like the cool guys in movies. 

“Hello.” He smiled. 

“He’s Taehyun, he’s ten.” Beomgyu pointed at him before Taehyun could do it himself. 

Yeonjun kept smiling as he nodded. “Nice to meet you.” 

They stayed out, Yeonjun let them try to ride his skateboard for a while, which Taehyun thought was nice of him, Yeonjun surely wanted to ride it himself but instead he let Beomgyu fall on his face multiple times with it. 

He decided Yeonjun was a nice hyung. 

They were invited inside Yeonjun’s house to eat something, which was still filled with brown boxes. Yeonjun’s mother gave them glasses of chocolate milk and they learned that Yeonjun just moved here from America. 

“United States?” Taehyun raised his eyebrows. “Do you know Kai?”

“Uhm...” Yeonjun furrowed his brows, he had a chocolate mustache from the milk. “Don’t know.”

“It’s a huge country, you dumbass, he doesn’t know everyone from there.” Beomgyu snickered. 

Blood rose to Taehyun’s face as he blushed. “I know, dumbass .”

“How did you become friends?” Yeonjun asks to break the fight. “Is every kid in the neighborhood friends with you?”

“Taehyunie comes to my house a lot, his mom is very busy.” Beomgyu says again before gulping the chocolate milk. 

Yeonjun turns to Taehyun, making sure he gets the chance to talk for himself. “And your dad?” 

There is a hint of shame in Taehyun’s chest. “Don’t have one.”

“It’s okay.” Yeonjun smiles at him. “My dad is in America, so it’s just me and my mom here too.”

It’s okay . 

Later that week, they met up with Kai, who said that he doesn’t know anyone from the USA except for his dad and uncles. 

Yeonjun became their friend, even though he was older. He didn’t seem to have a problem with hanging out with the dorky kids from his neighborhood, even being the one to ring their doorbells to call them outside to play. 

-

“Please leave me alone.” Taehyun huffed, holding tight on the straps of his backpack as two boys tugged on it. 

Taehyun fell to the ground, his two classmates getting the backpack and opening it to throw his stuff out. Taehyun’s stomach sank when a Barbie doll hit the ground with all his papers. 

“Look at that.” One if the boys laughed. “Are you a girl, Taehyun?” He bent over to grab it. 

“Hey! Get away from him!” 

The three looked back to find Yeonjun running to them. The two idiots started running away, but Yeonjun kneeled next to Taehyun. 

“You alright?”

Taehyun crawled to his bag, throwing everything inside. “Yes, thank you.”

“You like dolls?”

“N-no!” Taehyun was quick to stand up, fixing the thick glasses up. “It’s my sister’s doll-“

“Ah, too bad.” Yeonjun stood up with him. “I really like dolls.”

“I don’t believe you.”

Yeonjun shrugged. “I have the Barbie Fold ‘n Fun house set.”

With narrowed eyes, Taehyun put his backpack on. “Really?” 

“Why?” Yeonjun threw his arm around Taehyun’s shoulder and smiled, he was a lot taller than him. “Wanna play?”

“Are you making fun of me?”

“No.” Yeonjun started walking, dragging Taehyun with him. “I never had friends who liked dolls, I want to play with you.”

Yeonjun was a good hyung. 

“I have a flight attendant Barbie.”

Yeonjun looked down at him with big eyes. “You do?”

Something warm spreads in Taehyun’s chest as he smiles back at him. “I have her plane too.”

Yeonjun’s doll is named Angel. Angel has a house, a car and a big wardrobe with various pretty outfits. 

Taehyun just called his Barbie by Barbie, but Yeonjun suggested Emily. 

“Angel travels a lot, so Emily can always talk to her during flights. They can go to Angel’s beach houses.”

Taehyun pouted as he watched Yeonjun control the miniature set. “Why are you doing everything?”

Yeonjun’s eyes grow bigger, he picks up Emily from the carpet and places her in Taehyun’s hand. “It’s about the two of them. We’re doing it together.”

  1996  

“Where did you get this?” Beomgyu tried to reach for it, but Yeonjun didn’t let him. 

“Someone from my school.” Yeonjun smilled, he was holding weed in his hand, a joint, as he called it. 

“What if we go to jail?” Kai seemed genuinely afraid. 

They were sitting on the floor of Yeonjun’s room, his mom wouldn’t come home until later that day. 

“Is that why you made this?” Soobin held up the tube from a toilet paper roll, one end had some sheets tied to it with a rubber band to cover it. 

“What’s that?” Taehyun laughed. 

“We saw it in a movie. You hold it to blow out the smoke, so it doesn’t smell or something.”  Soobin explained as Yeonjun took a match out of the box he had. 

Soobin was the last to join their friend group, he was the bridge needed to connect all ages by being the second oldest hyung. He was much better at it than Beomgyu, if you ask Taehyun. 

Yeonjun was the first one to take a drag, showing the kids how to “swallow” the smoke properly and blowing into the paper roll. He passed it to Soobin, who had another method (he liked taking a sip of his drink right after). 

Beomgyu was the first one to cough loudly. “It bu-urns.” He said in a raspy voice between coughs. 

That made Kai look panicked when he took the joint. Yeonjun told him not to inhale too hard, Soobin passed him his water bottle. He did it quickly with a sip of water, bringing the paper roll to his mouth to blow into it. Then, it was Taehyun’s turn. 

Beomgyu was right when he said it burned, he grabbed Soobin’s bottle and took a sip before blowing into the roll, but he started coughing as soon as he did it, receiving some pats on the back from Yeonjun. 

“You can back out if you want.” Yeonjun took another long drag. “A lot of people get high with just that.”

“I didn’t get high until the third time I smoked.” Soobin shrugged. 

Beomgyu took another drag, coughing less this time. “So there is a chance this doesn’t even work?” 

Kai coughed, then Taehyun coughed, then Soobin said they should air the room as Yeonjun took the final drag. 

They opened the window and began using pillows and books to “push the air” out. Yeonjun looked at Soobin, he looked back, and the two snorted and started laughing hysterically. 

The younger three started giggling at the sight, visibly less intoxicated but still giddy and light. 

Back at the skatepark, where they decided to hang out for a while, Taehyun wasn’t sure if he was high, but he still enjoyed his time with the boys. 

Beomgyu was the only one trying to do a new trick, while Kai constantly complained about having a dry mouth. 

“That happens.” Soobin nodded at his side. “Dry mouth, heart palpitations, you’re hungry...”

“And that is supposed to be fun?” Kai scoffed. 

Yeonjun was quiet, skating circles around them as Taehyun watched him. He really looked like he belonged in a movie, the last rays of sunshine were behind him as the wind blew his hair back. 

Taehyun caught himself twisting his back to keep looking at him, surprised when Yeonjun looked back and smiled at him. 

“I know where we should go next time.” He rolled closer to them. 

Taehyun thinks he’s high. He’s feeling the heart palpitations that Soobin was talking about. 

-

“Guys!” Soobin smiled as he entered Taehyun’s garage. “Guess what?”

“Wait, wait. I will guess.” Beomgyu held up a hand. 

Taehyun sighed. “Just say what happened.” 

Yeonjun walked in behind Soobin with another smile on his face. “What are you talking about?”

Soobin punched him on the shoulder. “Ah, look at you. Stop pretending, hyung.”

“What happened?” Kai whined. 

“We went on a double date and Yeonjun hyung totally made out with this girl.” Soobin chuckled as he pointed at him. 

Yeonjun looked up, biting his lip as his ears turned red at Beomgyu’s “Ooh.”

“You went on a date? You?” Kai crossed his arms, laughing at the pair. 

“Tell us what happened.” Beomgyu called them over to sit on the old couch. 

Taehyun stood up. “I will bring something to drink.” 

“Don’t you want to hear the story?” Soobin pouted at him. 

“No, ew.”

Yeonjun laughed, reaching Taehyun on his way into the kitchen door. “I’ll help you.” 

“Whatever.”

Yeonjun followed behind him. “You’re fourteen already, Tyunie. Still think kissing girls is Ew ?”

Taehyun opened the fridge door. “Yes, ew.”

“You don’t like girls?”

Taehyun hummed. “I don’t.”

Yeonjun started picking up the usual Star Wars plastic cups they always use. “That’s okay.”

The younger glanced at him with a raised brow, not sure of what Yeonjun was talking about. Maybe kissing made him dumb. 

He looked at his side profile, his pouty lips, imagining how he would look like kissing a girl. Taehyun got the soda out of the fridge, fighting the urge to put his head inside of it to chill out. 

-

The group picked up their bikes and followed behind Yeonjun, Taehyun caught up where they were heading to as they turned on another corner. 

“To the mattress?”

Yeonjun smiled at him and picked up the pace. 

‘The mattress’ is a random hang out spot they found, empty space with nothing in sight except for one lonely mattress on the ground. 

Nobody knows why it’s there, maybe a homeless person slept there at night. But the mattress became one of their hideouts. 

It’s the place where Kai threw up last year after tasting alcohol for the first time (he had three shots), where Beomgyu burned his report card before his parents found out (he got grounded anyways) and where Yeonjun once started crying (and nobody but Soobin knew the reason why). 

“I don’t like it.” Beomgyu cleared his throat, looking at the others once Yeonjun offered to get high again. “Pass.”

“Me neither.” Kai was quick to side with Beomgyu with a relieved smile. 

Yeonjun shrugged. “It’s alright.”

The joint was passed to Soobin, who had a lighter this time but no water bottle, he inhaled the smoke and looked away to exhale. “Taehyun?”

He didn’t love it last time, but Taehyun still nodded and took it carefully. He did as he was told last time, “swallowing” the smoke with a small take of fresh air before blowing it out. Still, he choked on it. He gave the joint to Yeonjun before stepping away to cough. 

The other two also stepped away, talking among themselves and leaving the three to finish smoking. 

With a few punches to his chest, Taehyun joined the older two as Yeonjun complained. “I want a bong, but I don’t know how to hide that.”

“I want to make brownies. You think they will give me that recipe?” Soobin passed it to Taehyun once again. “Just take small hits.” 

Taehyun brought the cigarette to his lips, the smoke burned his throat on its way in. “Fu-uck.” 

“I’ll bring the water.” Soobin walked to where Beomgyu and Kai were standing with their bikes. 

“Come here.” Yeonjun took a long drag, surprising Taehyun as he put a hand on his shoulder. “Inhale.”

Taehyun had no time to think before Yeonjun came close to his face and blew the smoke into his mouth, he tried to breathe it in without coughing in Yeonjun’s face. 

He blamed the weed for his increasing heart rate. Soobin came back with the water and let Taehyun chug it to calm down. 

“I think I’m high already.”

Soobin chuckled. “Takes longer than that.”

“Who’s them?” asked Taehyun. 

“Hm?”

“You said you’d get the recipe from them .”

“Our other friends, Tyunie.”

Of course, Taehyun knows Soobin and Yeonjun had more friends. They were in high school, they went to parties, they drank and smoked every weekend, they kissed girls. 

The hyungs finished smoking and everyone sat down on the mattress, thankfully, it wasn’t wet like last time. 

“Did something else happen with the girls?” Kai looked at the two. 

“I haven’t seen them this week.” Soobin shrugged. “Yeonjun hyung is the one who went the farthest.”

“Hyung, did you grab a boob?” Beomgyu gasped. “No, wait. Yeonjun hyung, did you do it?”

“Pfft.” Yeonjun rolled his eyes. “Do what?”

“ It .” Beomgyu raised his brows. “Sex.”

Taehyun looked away as he heard Soobin laughing. The conversation made him feel uncomfortable. Call him immature for not being interested in sex at fourteen, he doesn’t care. He doesn’t want to hear about it. 

“A true gentleman can’t tell everything.” 

Taehyun decided he wanted to ride his bike now. He stood up, each step he took became heavier but his body felt weightless the moment he lifted his head. He turned around, being met with a knowing smile on Yeonjun’s face. 

He sighed loudly, noticing his dry mouth. “Now, I’m high.”

“Come sit.” Soobin ordered. “Relax.”

Taehyun sat down again, and everyone looked at him until Kai spoke. “Your eyes are half their size now, you almost look like Yeonjun hyung.” 

“Fuck off.”

“I can’t feel my face.” Taehyun tried to open his eyes, raise his brows. 

Taehyun was pushed to lay his head on Soobin’s lap, being met with the fluffy clouds in the sky. The boys talked around him, but he heard half sentences, the conversation had no sense in his ears. 

He tried to look at Soobin, gaining his attention once again. “The clouds make me dizzy.” 

Soobin giggled. “Just look at our faces.” 

Taehyun turned his head to the right, where Yeonjun kept talking about something he couldn’t care enough about. His mind was blank, he got caught staring, he smiled back when Yeonjun smiled at him. 

He looked up at Soobin again, who was playing with Taehyun’s hair. “How long have I been laying here?”

“Like, five minutes, probably less.”

Taehyun frowned. “No.”

“Yeah.”

Taehyun turned to Kai. “It’s been around twenty minutes right? Fifteen?”

Kai laughed at him. “You literally just laid down.”

“I can’t go home like this.”

“It’ll pass soon. You can go to my house if you don’t feel better by then.” Yeonjun ruffled his hair. 

“He’s so fucked.” Beomgyu clicked his tongue. 

“I am...” Taehyun licked his dry lips. “High as a kite.” 

The four boys laughed around him. 

  1997

“Not like that.” Taehyun rolled his eyes, putting his skateboard down and going closer to Beomgyu. “Look at my front foot, okay?” 

Taehyun gained momentum on the board, he angled his feet and jumped high, making the skateboard go between his legs in a spin before landing on it. 

“You said it was like a kickflip.” Beomgyu whined. “It’s not.” 

“Don’t do it, then.” Taehyun shrugged, he kept skating around him, doing another hardflip to piss him off. 

Knowing the most tricks in the group was something Taehyun was proud of. He often came to the park alone to practice, he had magazines and DVDs with tutorials. He’s still a nerd at heart, he likes to research and study about his interests. 

“We’re here.” Soobin exclaimed. Kai followed behind him. “Made cookies.” He lifted his tupperware with the treats. 

Funny thing, Soobin found a love for baking through making edibles for them. It was their favorite way of getting high. 

Taehyun bit on his red velvet cookie as the three watched Beomgyu fail on doing the hardflip. 

“Yeonjun is on a date.” Soobin simply said. 

“Ah.” Taehyun scanned the cookie to decide his next bite, as if he didn’t just lose appetite for some reason. “Same girl?”

“It’s a...” Soobin scratched his neck. “It’s not the same one.” 

“Okay.”

“It’s actually- Oh shit.”

The three boys hissed as they watched Beomgyu slip, the vertical skateboard hitting him right on the crotch. 

A high pitched “Fuck” left his lips before he fell to the ground, the boys came closer to watch him cup his groin. 

“You okay?” Kai didn’t try to hold back his laugh. 

“No.” Beomgyu put his forehead to the dirty ground, his black hair coming to his face. 

Taehyun looked at Soobin who looked at Kai who sighed before crouching down to talk to the dramatic one. “Want to ice it?”

“Yes.”

Soobin and Kai pulled him to his feet, Beomgyu threw his arms around them so they would help him walk. “Huh, Kai.” Beomgyu looked at him. “You’re getting tall, you’re almost my height. What happened?”

“It’s called puberty.” Taehyun followed behind them with both skateboards. “Not like you would know.”

“And when is yours hitting?”

“And when is yours?”

“And when is-“

“I’m about to hit some puberty into both of you if you don’t shut up.” Soobin said as he pushed Beomgyu’s arms out of his shoulders. 

They ended up in Kai’s room, since his house was the closest to the skating park. They listened to some music from the collection of vinyls that Kai’s father had as Beomgyu laid down with an ice bag on his crotch. 

“I am going into skating retirement.”

“Damn.” Taehyun chuckled. “Retirement before puberty?” 

Beomgyu grabbed the ice bag and threw it at Taehyun’s face. 

-

“You took us here... To see a couch.” Kai put his hands in his hoodie’s pocket. 

“ The couch, Kai. Don’t you see?” Yeonjun beamed at him. 

“No.”

Yeonjun had dragged them to this place, where someone left their trash, with an old couch with a sign asking to take it away. 

“Listen, we take this to the mattress and have somewhere else to sit.”

“Okay, smartass. And how do we take it there?” Beomgyu crossed his arms. 

“Trust me, Gyu. I have a plan.”

A car honked as it passed by their side. The group of friends pushed the sofa on top of five skateboards. It wasn’t perfect, it slipped many times, but they got it next to the mattress. 

They kicked the boards from under it and the five squished together to sit down on the dusty orange couch. 

“It was a good plan, Yeonjun hyung.”

Yeonjun smiled at Taehyun. “Thanks.” 

“How was your date the other day?” Kai asked at Taehyun’s other side. 

Yeonjun’s smile haltered. “It wasn’t a date. Just a friend.”

“Don’t be shy, Soobin hyung told us.” As soon as Kai said that, Yeonjun turned to see a guilty Soobin. “How was she? Is she another popular girl from your school?”

“Uh, it was nice.”

Taehyun could see that Yeonjun was tense, maybe the date was shitty. He couldn’t help but feel a little relieved. 

“Hyung.” Taehyun called. “What are you doing this Saturday?” 

Yeonjun smiled, appreciating the change of subject as he threw an arm around Taehyun. 

“Beomgyu, Soobin and I have a party. You wanted to do something?”

Taehyun forgets that Beomgyu is a high schooler now, he goes to high school parties. 

“Oh, well... Me and Kai-“

“Wanna come to the party?” Soobin leaned forward to look at them. “You’re basically in high school.”

And they are. They graduated middle school already, starting high school next month. 

“Can we do that?” Kai frowned. 

“A lot of my friends just invite random people to the party.” Beomgyu shrugged. 

Taehyun looked at Yeonjun for guidance, he nodded. “It would be nice to have you.”

He turned to Kai, who nodded. “We’ll go.”

-

“Taehyun! Taehyun, stop.” Beomgyu laughed. 

Stop what? He wanted to ask, but he felt like suffocating. Another wave of chills went up his body. What the hell was happening?

“Stop crying!”

Crying ? Taehyun wiped his face, he didn’t feel it as his face got wet from unstopping tears. He looked at the floor again, not liking the way the room was spinning. 

His heart started beating faster as the air got thinner, making him gasp for breaths between cries. 

“Tyunie!” Big hands held his face as Yeonjun appeared in front of him. “What’s wrong?”

The colorful lights on Yeonjun’s face kept moving, Yeonjun’s face kept moving. Taehyun felt like his legs became boneless. 

“I think I’m dying?”

“Let’s get you out. Can you walk?” Yeonjun grabbed his hand and pulled him out of the house. “Do you remember taking anything?”

Walking felt funny, it was like skating, like he was just sliding on the grass in front of the house. When did he get to the sidewalk? 

“Taehyun.” 

“Sorry. What?”

“What did you take?”

“Some beers, a random mix, brownies, a cigarette...”

Yeonjun nodded. “Mix of what? Alcohol?”

“Yeah, I think vodka. And...” He felt another chill go up his spine. 

“And what?”

His heart was beating like crazy again, the street lights moved with him. “I can’t go home.”

“You’re going to mine.”

“But... Your party.”

“I don’t care, it sucked.”

And Taehyun knew it didn’t, because everyone was having fun and Yeonjun kept laughing and dancing. “Where are we going?”

“To my house.” 

“We should go to a hospital.”

Yeonjun stopped on his tracks to look at Taehyun. “Why? What do you feel?”

“My heart...” Taehyun brought a hand to his chest. “This can’t be good.”

“If we get to my house and you don’t feel good, I’ll call an ambulance. Deal?”

“And if I die on the way?”

Yeonjun turned to his side, pretending to scratch his nose so he could hide the amusement on his face. “You won’t.”

“Can’t we just- Let’s stay still for a moment.”

Yeonjun doesn’t mention that they are standing still, he just watches as Taehyun’s big eyes try to find something to focus on. “Hey, look at me.”

“What?”

“Stare at me, try to ground yourself a little.” He grabs Taehyun’s hand and squeezes hard. “Feel that?” 

“I feel that, yes.” Taehyun looked at him through bloodshot half lidded eyes, he squeezed back. 

“Good. You had a brownie, right? The one with sprinkles.”

“Yes.” 

Yeonjun smiled again. “You’re just tripping right now.” 

“No. It’s not like...” Speaking was too tiresome. “It’s not like other times.”

“It’s stronger than what Soobin makes.” Yeonjun’s free hand brushed Taehyun’s hair out of his face. “What do you hear?”

“You, speaking.” 

“Good. What do you see?”

Taehyun frowned. “Your face.”

“Good, let’s go.”

Taehyun didn’t understand anything, he was being dragged by Yeonjun as he watched identical houses passing by them. 

“It happened to me many times.” Yeonjun spoke in front of him. “I was alone.”

“Were you scared?” 

“Very.” He interlaced their fingers. “Just know that I am here with you.”

Taehyun hummed, they turned the corner and their street expanded in front of him. “What if my mom sees me?” 

“She won’t.”

“If she drives by-“

“She won’t.”

Next thing he knows, Taehyun is in Yeonjun’s room. He’s holding a big water bottle that he should be drinking but he’s staring at the clock on the wall. “That can’t be right.”

“It is right.” 

“Twelve? But the party started ages ago, it should be... Three in the morning.”

Yeonjun patted the bed next to him, Taehyun sat down and drank the water. “Want to change?” 

“Why?”

He got pushed to the bathroom with some pajama pants and a big shirt to change into. Focusing on not losing balance while peeing, Taehyun then rushed to change, he was taking too long in the bathroom. 

Did he flush? Yes. Where did his jeans go? They’re on his hand. Did he wash them? 

When he got out, Yeonjun was sitting on the same spot as before. “You’re panicking again.”

Taehyun goes to sit at his side. They sit quietly for a while until Yeonjun goes to change and Taehyun finally looks up to the clock on the wall. It hasn’t been five minutes since the last time he checked. “Impossible.”

What if this was a prank? If everyone was on it. They knew that Taehyun had problems with perceiving time while high, so maybe they got a fake clock. 

“You want to lay down?”

“Maybe?” Taehyun drank a little more water before leaving the bottle on the floor and put his head on the pillows, but he still felt like he was moving. Like he was on a boat. 

“I’m here.” Yeonjun announced as he laid at his side. 

“I know.”

“Want me to hold you?”

“Uh, sure.”

And it did help, somehow. He was pressed against Yeonjun’s chest and that reminded him that he wasn’t floating. 

“How do you feel?”

“It’s like...” Taehyun took a moment to breathe. "Like life restarts every five seconds."

"Yeah?" Yeonjun scooted closer. “When it happened to me, I thought the same. I even wrote down what I thought was the answer to the meaning of the universe.”

“And what was it?”

“I have no idea.” Yeonjun laughed. 

“Keep talking.” Taehyun requested, making the older look down at him. His chest was starting to hurt with the way his heart raced against it. “I feel like I’m dying.”

“Alright, chill.” Yeonjun squeezed his side. “Uhm, let me think… You already know everything about me.”

“What about that date you had?”

“Well,” Yeonjun breathed out of his nose, “I’m not sure about how much Soobin told you... It wasn’t an official date, we ate some burgers at a parking lot, smoked...”

And Taehyun imagined himself there, he imagined himself sitting next to Yeonjun, listening to his stupid jokes over a few french fries under the hot summer sun. Yeonjun would look down at him like he’s doing now, but he would get closer, closer...

Taehyun forces himself to focus back on the conversation. 

“... We just talked, maybe flirted... I chickened out before we kissed and it ended at it.” 

“What?”

Yeonjun’s fingers drummed against Taehyun’s ribs. “Yeah, pathetic, I know.”

“But-“ Taehyun frowned, “But you’re amazing with girls, you have experience, you did it-“

“It’s not like that, Tyunie.”

“I have to admit, I am terrified of it- Kissing.” Taehyun looked at the ceiling. “I still don’t want to kiss girls, but... What if I’m too late? Everyone knows how to kiss and I... And I don’t want to kiss girls.”

“It’s okay if you don’t.” Yeonjun prompted himself on his elbow, resting his head on one hand to stare at Taehyun for a few moments. “Should we... Never mind.” 

“What?”

“Nothing.” Yeonjun dropped himself on the mattress again, taking his arm out from Taehyun’s waist to lay on his back and stare at the ceiling with him. 

Turning to face him, Taehyun didn’t feel his toes or fingers. “What was it?”

“When you have your first kiss, don’t think too much.”

“That’s all I do, think.” 

Yeonjun chuckled lowly. “Don’t stress about it.” He turned his face towards him. “And make sure you’re sober.”

“Why?”

He shrugged one shoulder. “I want you to be sober for your first kiss.”

Is that why? Taehyun turned back to the ceiling to stop himself from looking at Yeonjun’s lips. Should we kiss, Tyunie? Is that what he was trying to say? I want you to be sober when I kiss you. Is that it? 

“If I were sober right now-“

“If you were sober, we wouldn’t be here.” Yeonjun deadpanned. 

They would be back at the party and Yeonjun wouldn’t have thought about kissing Taehyun and Taehyun would be distracting himself so he wouldn’t be thinking about Yeonjun. 

But maybe- Yeonjun could’ve walked home next to Taehyun, holding hands through the dark, walking him up to his door, closing the space between them. 

“I need water.” Taehyun sits up again, his head spinning with a million thoughts as he grabs for the water bottle. He breathes deeply, the clock is too slow again, the bottle is heavy on his hand, the room moves. 

“Relax, I’m here.” 

Yeonjun hugs him from behind and it’s suffocating, it’s grounding, it’s dragging him down. 

“If I were sober,” Taehyun starts again, “Would’ve you kissed me?”

Yeonjun goes quiet for a second, which feels like an eternity for Taehyun, he can still feel the older breathing against his back. “Yeah.”

“And if I say I thought about us kissing when sober? I wanted to do it when I was sober. Would it change anything?” Taehyun turns around to see him shaking his head. “Why?”

“Because, Tyunie, you’ll get it when you’re older.”

Taehyun scoffs, hanging his head in defeat. “Well, that’s embarrassing.”

“Not really.”

“Can you keep it a secret, please?”

Yeonjun gives him a small smile with a nod. “Of course.”

“Also the part where I said I’m afraid of kissing girls.” 

Yeonjun nods again, Taehyun tries to stand up but he’s being held back. “Where are you going?”

“Home.”

“Nu-uh, not like this.”

“But-“

“You’re my cuddle buddy for tonight, no excuses.” Yeonjun makes him lay down again, he covers him with a blanket before joining him. “I’m kidding, I won’t cuddle you if it’s uncomfortable.”

Taehyun snuggles close to him, cuddling like they did as kids, like they did just minutes ago. It was awkward, but it’s something that Taehyun yearned for years. 

Just like many years ago, Yeonjun was quick to fall asleep, cutting their conversation short. Taehyun was still dizzy, his heart still hurt, he still wanted to kiss Yeonjun. 

-

When he woke up, he still felt a little weird. He was alone on the bed, but the sound of chewing made him turn around to find Yeonjun eating cereal at his desk. 

“Morning.”

“Morning.” Taehyun stretched himself. 

“Your sister called, I told her that you helped me get home because I was too drunk.”

“Thanks.”

Taehyun, sadly, remembered every detail from last night. 

“I’ll bring you something to eat.” Yeonjun was out of his room before Taehyun could protest. 

He got up and went to the bathroom, noticing how he looked like a mess when he stared into the mirror. Once he was done, he stepped outside but Yeonjun wasn’t back yet. 

He thought that stealing a spoonful of his hyung’s cereal would’ve been fine, but a paper on the desk caught his attention. It was fancy, with a blue stamp. Curiosity got the best of him as he opened the letter, being met with English words. 

Taehyun wasn’t fluid, but he could recognize some words; University , he knew that, Dear Daniel Choi , he knew Yeonjun’s English name, Congratulations! 

“I know you like chocolate better but-“ Yeonjun walked into the room with another bowl, halting once he saw Taehyun. “Ah, you shouldn’t go through my stuff.”

“You’re going back?”

Yeonjun left Taehyun’s breakfast down on the desk, taking the acceptance letter from Taehyun’s hands to fold it neatly again. “I am.”

His chest hurt, maybe he was still high. “Are you kidding me?”

“Tyunie-“

“Why didn’t you tell us? Why-?” Taehyun groaned, his head was pounding.

“You know I hate goodbyes, Tyunie.” 

“Were you going to leave us like you left your friends when you came here?”

He was going to disappear. Like nothing happened. Like he never existed. 

Yeonjun stayed quiet, but that was enough of an answer for Taehyun, who just scoffed in disbelief. “I’m going home.”

-

“Dude, what’s his problem?”

“He’s been in a mood the whole day.”

Taehyun ignored Beomgyu and Kai as he did another boardslide on the copings. It was the only trick that didn’t fail him that day, every flip had a bad landing, the wrong angle, the wrong timing. 

“Tyunie!” 

He dipped into the bowl as soon as he heard Yeonjun, pretending not to notice him as he built momentum for another flip. 

Yeonjun walked to the edge to watch him, which only irritated him even more, Taehyun didn’t want to see Yeonjun today. 

“Are you like this because of the letter?” 

Taehyun is just carving around the bowl, speeding up towards the edge, when Yeonjun starts walking around it to try to catch his attention. He goes up, he sees Yeonjun, he turns. 

“Will you forgive me if I tell them?”

Forgive him? Yeonjun hadn’t even tried to apologize once. 

Taehyun had enough speed for a front air, one of his favorite tricks. He went up to one side of the bowl, bonking his wheels before he saw Yeonjun once he was already in the air. 

Too slow. 

His hand couldn’t grab the board, he should’ve bailed, he should’ve turned his body around to land on his knees to slide against the side of the bowl. 

He gave up too late. 

Putting a hand out behind him, Taehyun gritted his teeth. He learned nothing all these years, body slamming on top of his arm as he hit hard concrete beneath him. 

“Fuck!”

Yeonjun was quick to slide down into the bowl. “Are you hurt?”

This and the chain of curses that Taehyun kept crying out made the other three boys come running to them. 

“Are you okay?”

“Don’t move.”

“Holy shit, that looks bad.”

Yeonjun put a gentle hand on his head, rubbing where it hit the ground just seconds ago. “It’s okay, It’s fine.” 

He was still his hyung after all. 

-

Taehyun’s mom had to get off work to take him to the hospital, which pissed her off and she nagged him the whole trip home, which pissed Taehyun even more off. 

He was met with the group of four boys once he got out of the car, all of them pouting at the new cast on his arm. His mom didn’t even wait to drive off to go to her office again. Gee, thanks . 

“I am seriously not in the mood.” Taehyun gripped the bag with the medicine with his healthy hand

“Wait, Taehyun.” Yeonjun stepped closer. “I’m sorry, okay? I will tell them.”

“Like I give a shi-“

“Guys.” Yeonjun turned to the three. “I’m going back to America.”

There was silence, Soobin was the only one to react. “Like, a vacation?” 

“No.” Yeonjun sighed. “For real.”

Beomgyu frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I... Well...” Yeonjun looked back at Taehyun for help, he glared back. You’re on your own. “I got accepted to... A university there.” 

“O-oh.” Kai grimaced before he changed his tone. “Oh! Congrats.”

“When?” Beomgyu asked after another beat of silence. 

“A month-“

“No fucking way.” Soobin shook his head. 

“Is this a joke?” Beomgyu furrowed his brows. “Are you two joking?”

Taehyun lifted his free arm, shrugging with a sour laugh. He’s had a day to process this information and it still made no sense. 

Beomgyu just gave a small nod, walking past Yeonjun to face Taehyun. “Let’s go eat something so you can take your meds.”

“I’ll go with you.” Yeonjun reached forward. 

“You-!” Beomgyu turned around. “Can go fuck yourself.”

“Hey!” Soobin stepped up between them. 

Kai held his skateboard to his chest. “Guys, let’s not fight right now.” He chuckled nervously. “We should be happy for Yeonjun hyung, it’s a really good opportunity for him.”

Taehyun glared at Yeonjun, who had his apologetic puppy eyes in return. “Yeah, I’m happy for you.” He lied. 

-

They forgave him easily, because that’s what friends do. With the excuse of having little time together, they saw each other almost every day. At the park, at the mattress, at someone’s house. 

“Look at what Yeonjun hyung got me at the mall.” Kai smiled brightly as he held up a keychain with a small squishy chick on it. “Isn’t it super cute? It looks like hyung.”

“What are you saying?” Yeonjun laughed. 

“Oh... You went to the mall?” Taehyun tried to sound nonchalant, walking around Soobin’s kitchen. 

“Yah, you didn’t get me anything when we went there.” Beomgyu whined. 

“Who are you saying yah to, you punk?” Yeonjun put him in a headlock. 

Taehyun forced himself to smile when he heard the others laughing at Beomgyu, he turned to see what Soobin was making and offered help. 

He never thought of spending alone time with Yeonjun, he just assumed that the group would be together with him until the last minute.

It’s not like Yeonjun had invited him to anything really. 

-

Taehyun dials Yeonjun’s phone number, playing with the cord on the telephone as he waits for someone to pick up. It goes to the machine. 

He paces around his room, a coupon for ice cream is held to his chest like a golden ticket. “Since I had this...” He practices. “We should use it.”

Then, a flash of silver on his window catches his attention. He peeks out of it to confirm that it was Yeonjun’s mom’s car. 

When he meets Yeonjun in his front yard, he looks tired. The sight makes him hesitate a bit, the coupon in his hand looks stupid, Yeonjun is standing in front of him, waiting. 

“S-since I had this coupon...” Taehyun’s voice is weak. “I thought-“

“I’m tired, Taehyun.”

“Sorry. I just thought- Since we have little time left-“

“That doesn’t mean I’m obligated to spend my time with you.”

It hits him like ice water. 

“Ah.” It’s breathy, he’s suffocating. “Of course. Forget it.” 

He searches in Yeonjun’s face, the caring hyung, he waits for a never coming apology. Taehyun turns around to walk back home, humiliated, shameful. 

Please hold my hand. He thinks. Please stop me. Please apologize. 

“Tyunie!” 

Taehyun can breathe again, he swallows the knot on his throat before he turns around. Yeonjun is walking towards him, his gaze is still hard. 

“You’re right, we don’t have much time.” He nods towards Taehyun’s hand. “What is it?”

And it’s so stupid. 

“It’s ice cream.”

“Good. Wanna go?”

And so bittersweet. 

“You’re tired, just go rest.” Taehyun shakes his head. “I can go with Beomgyu.” He points to the house across the street. 

“But I wanna go with you.” Yeonjun pouts, he grabs Taehyun’s good hand. The good hyung is back with pleading eyes, swinging Taehyun’s arm as he hums. “Hm? Let’s go get some scoops?”

He’s almost used to it; getting hurt and getting comforted right after, he can’t really get angry, his heart doesn’t break completely, it just aches . 

“I will invite everyone to the party.” Yeonjun smiles as he scoops more mint chocolate on his spoon. “And I mean everyone. You will meet every person I ever talked about. It’s going to be huge.”

Will all your previous dates and hookups be there?

“I can’t believe you seriously like mint-choco.” Taehyun says instead. 

“It’ll be my goodbye party and my birthday, I hope they bring gifts.”

“What do you want?”

“Oh, you don’t need to give me anything. You just being there with me is all I want.” Yeonjun smiles. “But if Beomgyu asks, I want a PlayStation.” 

Yeonjun is excited again as he talks about his plans. They don’t ever mention Taehyun, his day, classes starting in a week. 

Yeonjun is excited to have other friends. Yeonjun is excited to leave. 

-

“What’s up?” Soobin frowns as Taehyun declines a bottle of beer. 

“It’s nothing.” Taehyun shrugs. “Just not in the mood to drink yet.”

“If you say so.” Soobin gulps down his own drink. They both look towards Yeonjun, loudly laughing in a circle of people. “He’s popular.”

Yeonjun managed to fill his house with people who love him, of course he’s popular. 

“Is any of those girls, you know, one of the dates?”

“Why?” Soobin smirks. “Got your eye on someone?”

“Not really, just curious.” 

“Come here.” Soobin puts an arm around him and drags him towards Yeonjun and his friends. 

“Hey hey!” Yeonjun smiles. “You guys good?” 

“Yeah! But Taehyun here doesn’t want to drink tonight.”

“Huh? Why not?” Yeonjun lifts an eyebrow and laughs. “Boring.”

Because you asked me to . 

Because Yeonjun said he wants Taehyun to kiss someone when he’s sober. And Taehyun has been sober ever since. He’s been sober all the times they hung out. 

Because Taehyun desperately wants Yeonjun to be his first kiss. 

“I thought it would be better if I didn’t get so drunk.”

“What the hell?” Yeonjun chuckled as he shook his head. “At my party? Get something to drink.”

Yeonjun doesn’t want him to be sober. 

“Yeonjun oppa,” A girl comes up to him and touches his arm, “We should play spin the bottle.”

It’s like the universe can hear him. Yeonjun turns to look at him excitedly, like he could hear him too. 

While he sits down on the carpet, Kai comes to sit at his left, Yeonjun is at his right, and a whole group of strangers are in front of him. 

“Yeonjun, will you do the honors?” A guy hands him an empty bottle. 

“Ah me?” He laughs as he takes it anyways. “Is this how you treat your host?”

He puts the bottle down and Taehyun says one last prayer: To whoever is hearing, please . The bottle spins with everyone watching. The universe, fate, destiny, God. If someone is out there looking out for Taehyun, please . 

The bottle slows down as Taehyun’s heart skips a beat, it points towards him until it doesn’t, it stops just an inch to his left and Kai stiffens. 

“Again! It doesn’t count.” 

“Why?” Yeonjun laughs, looking at Kai. “Let’s do it!”

“It’s two boys, doesn’t count.” Another of his friends says. 

“You in, Huening?” 

“I-I mean... Sure?” Kai shrugs, the group ooh ’s and claps. 

“It’s just a kiss.” Yeonjun assures him as he scoots closer. “No biggie, dude.” 

This feels insulting. 

Taehyun had to beg to be kissed and it was a big deal then. But now, Yeonjun puts a hand down on the carpet just in front of him as he leans forward. 

“It’s nothing.” Yeonjun says, putting a hand on Kai’s shoulder to bring him closer. 

It wasn’t nothing when Taehyun asked for it. 

It’s still not nothing as Yeonjun is so close to him, almost quite literally rubbing it in his face, while pulling another boy in for a kiss. 

Taehyun wants to look away, he knows he should, but his eyes stay trained on the curve of Yeonjun’s jaw, the slope of his plump lips. He watches as Kai comes close to press their mouths together, lips squishing for a second which feels like eternity. 

Kai pulls back from the peck first, reminding Taehyun that he shouldn’t look so heartbroken, so he quickly changes his face before Yeonjun can see it. 

He’s used to getting hurt. He can handle it. He’ll get his comfort soon. It always comes. Yeonjun always fixes it.  

The game continues and random people kiss and make out and Taehyun couldn’t care any less for any of them until Kai is kissing a random girl and then it’ll be Taehyun’s turn. 

It’s his turn to heal. Because the universe won’t betray him like that. Because Yeonjun always fixes it. 

“Yeonjun! Get over here!” Someone calls from behind. 

Yeonjun stands up without a word and leaves. He leaves. He wasn’t going to give that bottle a chance of getting him. 

Taehyun has to face the truth: Yeonjun simply does not want to kiss him. 

With no comfort, with no fix, Taehyun’s heart just aches. Aches, aches, aches until it finishes breaking. 

There is a hand on his shoulder and it gives him hope for a split second but he looks up to see Beomgyu’s messy hair as he tugs on his arm. 

“Boo! He’s about to play!” 

“We’re gonna do some seven minutes in heaven, actually.” Beomgyu shrugged, taking Taehyun with him. 

“I’m not playing seven minutes in heaven with you.” Taehyun shudders. He’s already following Beomgyu. 

“Don’t get hopeful, darling, I was kidding.” 

They got to the hallway, where the music was still loud but people weren’t around. “Why are you bringing me here, then?”

“You look like you’re about to cry.” Beomgyu frowns. 

“Oh.”

“Yeah, oh , and I know what’s happening.”

“You do?” Taehyun scratches above the cast on his arm. “How?”

“I’ve known you as long as I can remember, Hyun, I know this is about Yeonjun hyung.”

“I don’t know what-“

“We’re all sad because he’s leaving. Okay? We’re all angry that he didn’t tell us before.” Beomgyu clicked his tongue. “But we’re trying our hardest to pretend that we’re happy.”

Taehyun sighs. “Is it too obvious?” It’s not for that reason, but people could tell that he’s upset. 

“Yeah, man. Have a beer, do some shots, smoke something, loosen up.”

“Alright.”

“Good, let’s go.” Beomgyu patted his arm and pointed towards the rest of the people. 

“Yeah, thanks.” Taehyun sighed again. “You kinda saved me there.”

“Yeah, I know, you think kissing girls is gross, Yeonjun hyung told me.”

“He did?” 

Taehyun just watched as Beomgyu nodded his head before he left to talk to other people, leaving him standing incredulous at this whole thing. 

He looked over at Yeonjun enjoying himself. He felt like a stranger. Taehyun didn’t know when Yeonjun outgrew their friendship but it became very apparent now. 

There was no comfort. 

Even after several drinks, the pain in his chest didn’t go away. He just wants it to stop. 

“Soobin hyung.” Taehyun tugs on his sleeve, making the taller one turn around. 

“You alright, Tae?” 

“Did you make edibles?” 

Soobin excused himself to his friends and stepped aside with Taehyun, grabbing him by the shoulders. “You said you wouldn’t have them after that party.”

Taehyun shook his head. “I want to be like that again.”

Soobin frowned. “You were crying on a corner when we found you.”

He’s right. But Taehyun feels like he’ll be crying in a corner soon whether he gets them or not. 

“Listen, mine aren’t strong enough, trips aren’t even very common-“

“Blah, blah, blah. Is there anything else that’s strong, then?”

Soobin stood up straight, inhaling deeply. “Okay, tell me what’s wrong.”

“Nothing! I’m just having a shit time at this shit party.” Taehyun threw his arms up. 

“Don’t let Yeonjun hyung hear you like that.” Soobin got closer to him. “Stay with me for a while.” 

“Can I get another drink, dad?” Taehyun grimaced at him. 

He got his new drink and he was now sitting next to Soobin on the couch while he talked to his friends about who-the-fuck-cares. Taehyun finished his glass and put it down before scanning the room in search of his friends. 

Beomgyu is making big gestures as he tells a story to a group of people. Yeonjun is dancing and it’s hard not to keep staring at him when he’s so good. Taehyun pouts as he catches himself pining again, turning around to search for Kai. 

He gasps. “Oh!”

“What?” Soobin jumps beside him. 

Taehyun points his finger to the corner of the room. “Huening Kai is kissing the girl with the belly button piercing!”

“Shh! Don’t do that.” Soobin grabs his arm and stops him from pointing at them. 

Soobin’s friends laugh, making Taehyun aware that he still sounds like a fucking middle schooler getting exited about some frenching. He can already feel his face blushing at his childishness, opting to rest his head on Soobin’s shoulder and staying quiet. 

“He’s so cute.” One of the girls says. Not in a ‘He’s so cute, I wish I were making out with him’ tone but in a ‘He’s such a baby’ way. 

Maybe that’s it. He’s still so innocent and childish, he doesn’t fit into Yeonjun’s cool life anymore. He never did. He just followed behind him, starry eyed as he watched his cool hyung do things so he could copy them. 

They’re left alone once Soobin’s friends decide they want to dance. “You should go too.” Taehyun says, but doesn’t move his head from Soobin’s shoulder. 

Soobin places an open hand on Taehyun’s thigh, palm up so he could grab it, because Soobin knows that Taehyun likes to play with his fingers, because Taehyun is just like their baby brother. 

“Last time I will ask: What’s up with you?” 

Kai was now being dragged into the bathroom by the belly button piercing girl. What a traitor. He was supposed to be a loser middle schooler like Taehyun. 

“How was your first kiss?” Taehyun finally lifts his head. 

“My first kiss?” Soobin laughs at the sudden question. “It was really awkward, Yeonjun hyung was there.” He looks down to where Taehyun was playing with his fingers. “We had a double date at a smelly pizza place that had a playground.”

“Ooh, I know which one.”

“It was in the ballpit, at the time it seemed romantic, it really smelled like feet.”

Taehyun laughed, tugging at Soobin’s index finger. “Sounds cute.” 

“First kisses aren’t that big of a deal.”

“Easier said than done.” Taehyun exhaled. “I just want it out of the way, but it’s scary. I almost passed out when they said it was my turn to spin the bottle.”

“Is it bothering you?” 

“It wasn’t bothering me until I realized I’m late to it. One day I’ll find a girl I like, she will kiss me and I will know nothing and it’s going to suck so bad that she breaks up with me.”

“It’s not like that.” Soobin laughed. “Many people don’t know how to kiss yet, including those who have kissed before.”

“I just want it over with, but I can’t.” Taehyun groans.

“Taehyun, you should have your first kiss when you want to, not when society pressures you to.”

“I want it now!” Taehyun hits Soobin’s palm with his fist, making him laugh at his side. 

“Go kiss someone!” 

“I can’t, it’s too scary, I will shit my pants and cry.” 

Soobin laughs loudly, he closes his eyes and throws his head back, Taehyun giggles at his side. He wasn’t joking. 

“Alright, okay.” Soobin takes a second to breathe. “Don’t be weird about this, but... Do you want me to teach you?”

“What?”

“Should I show you how to kiss?”

He wanted Yeonjun to be his first, but it was quite clear that Yeonjun didn’t want anything to do with kissing him, even if he pleaded, Yeonjun had already refused. 

“And it won’t be weird?”

“No, unless you make it weird.”

“Okay, let’s kiss.”

There wasn’t much buildup, Soobin leaned forward and Taehyun closed his eyes, he felt his breath against his face before a soft peck. 

Taehyun opened his eyes. “That’s nothing, I want a real one.”

Soobin chuckled, putting one arm around Taehyun and a hand on his jaw to bring him closer again. “Open your mouth.” He said against his lips. 

He takes Taehyun’s lower lip between his, attending to it for a bit before doing the same to his upper lip. “Copy what I do.”

Taehyun just noticed that he was sitting there with his mouth unmoving like an idiot (just like he feared), he copied Soobin’s movements, slightly sucking on his lower lip until they found a pace. 

Oh, so this is how it works. They keep a rhythm, Soobin moves his head and they bump the tips of their noses before kissing again. 

Don’t overthink this. Soobin’s hand is big against his face, he feels his tongue at his lips so he parts them even more. 

This isn’t scary? This is fun. He can’t believe he’s been missing out on this just because he didn’t want to kiss girls. The answer is so obvious. He just wants to kiss boys. 

-

The phone rings while Taehyun stares at his blank wall. “Hello?”

“Aren’t you coming?” Kai’s voice. “We’re all at Yeonjun hyung’s house.” 

Taehyun knows. 

Yeonjun is leaving today. They agreed to meet at his house, help him with his stuff and say their final goodbyes. 

But Taehyun doesn’t want to. 

He still forces himself, he can already see them taking luggage to the silver car once he steps outside. 

“Tyunie!” Yeonjun smiles at him. “You’re here.”

“Of course.” 

“I was getting worried.” He took Taehyun’s hand. “I had to see you.”

“Of course.” Taehyun repeated with a sharp pain on his chest. “Do you need help with anything?” 

“That was the last bag.” Yeonjun shook his head. “There is something else, though...”

They walked to the entrance, where the other three were standing quietly, Yeonjun picked up his skateboard and turned back to Taehyun. 

“I want you to have this.” 

“You’re kidding.” Taehyun gasped. 

“I’m not.” Yeonjun pushed it to his chest. “I really want you to have it, Tyunie.” 

He promised himself he wouldn’t cry today. “Can we talk?”

They step closer to the car, Yeonjun leans on it and waits patiently for Taehyun to spit his words out. “Go on.”

“I actually like you, a lot.” Taehyun furrowed his brows. “And I will miss you like crazy.”

“Aw.” Yeonjun pouted. 

Don’t cry. Don’t cry. You’re just getting your heart broken. 

“I will miss you too, Tyunie, I’ll miss all of you.” He looks at the other three boys. 

“Why don’t I get a goodbye gift?!” Beomgyu walked up to them. “I was the first one to be your friend. Remember?” 

“Alright, you brat.” Yeonjun reaches for his back pocket and pulls out his wallet. 

“Money?” Beomgyu smiles. 

“No.” Yeonjun pulls out a square wrapper and places it on Beomgyu’s hand. 

“A condom? Come on, hyung, at least money would’ve been useful to him.” Kai scoffs behind them. 

“This will be useful when your big sister-“

“Okay.” Yeonjun throws his arms around Beomgyu and Taehyun, making the latter stumble a little. “No more gifts, only to my two little brothers.”

Little brother. 

Soobin and Kai whine, but everyone knows that they’re not actually mad as they come closer. Nobody really knows what to say now. “You’re actually leaving, huh?”

“We’ll miss you.” Kai pouts. 

“Come on.” Yeonjun squeezes Taehyun and Beomgyu’s shoulders. “I have all your e-mail addresses, I will write and send pictures.”

“Yeah.” Soobin nods. 

“Try to come for the holidays, please.” Beomgyu looks down at the ground. “And for summer... And winter breaks.”

Yeonjun chuckles. “I’ll try, my babies.” 

Baby . 

“Do you really have to go?” Kai joins the hug, Soobin follows him. 

“Guys, you know I hate goodbyes.” Yeonjun buries his face on Taehyun’s hair. “They just make it harder to leave.” 

Taehyun hugs him, with one arm in a cast and another holding the first skateboard he ever rode, buried between Kai and Yeonjun. 

It was suffocating, it was painful. His heart was already broken and Yeonjun was taking pieces that would never heal. 

  1999

“Would you say...” Beomgyu squinted his eyes, “That not having a father figure made you gay?”

Taehyun bit the inside of his cheek. “What?”

“That’s what Soobin’s book says.” Beomgyu crossed his legs, he was at Soobin’s desk, wearing Soobin’s glasses, reading Soobin’s psychology papers. “And how does that make you feel?”

“Soobin hyung is bisexual and he has two loving parents.” Taehyun rolls his eyes, leaning back on Soobin’s bed. Where is Soobin, anyway? 

“Interesting... Would you say that there is something as... Too loving?” 

Taehyun is about to answer when two boys join the room. “Happy birthday to you...” They start singing, Kai is holding a small strawberry cake with a single candle, Soobin is holding his dad’s new camera. 

Taehyun smiles, sitting awkwardly until they finish the song to blow out the candles. Kai gives him the cake and Soobin takes a picture of him. “Thank you.”

“You were surprised, right?” Kai giggles. 

“Of course, I distracted him.” Beomgyu shrugged before winking at Taehyun. “Love you, bro.”

“Do you love me because your dad was absent or because he loved you too much?”

“Uhh... What?” Soobin sat next to Taehyun. 

“Soobin hyung, we just came up with a thesis-“

“I didn’t.” Taehyun shook his head, taking another strawberry from the cake. “I find it a little insulting, even.”

“Yeah, yeah, homophobia or whatever.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “Soobin I’m about to sell you the best psychology idea-“

“You will sell it to me?” Soobin raised a brow. “An homophobic idea?”

“Soobin hyung, show us the camera instead.” Kai pointed. 

“Right! I can e-mail the pictures to all of you in an instant, look.” He pushed Beomgyu aside to get to his desk, taking a cord and plugging the camera to the PCU. 

The three stood behind him, watching as he clicked on various settings before the downloading bar showed up. 

“Can you also do videos?” Taehyun watched the screen. 

“Maybe?” 

He clicked on a file, and the image of Taehyun holding his cake popped up on screen before he typed ‘Taehyunie’s birthday!!!!!! ’ and clicked send. 

“And your dad sells these?” Beomgyu asked. “Can you give me a discount?”

-

Taehyun entered his house, all lights were out, meaning his mom wasn’t home yet. He went to the computer, turning it on and waiting for it to load. 

He opened his mail, only Soobin’s picture was in his inbox. “Ah.”

It’s been a while since Yeonjun had last sent him something, their conversations became more and more spaced. He often sent updates to the whole group instead of speaking privately with him. 

It’s okay. He clicked his tongue as he closed his inbox. People forget birthdays. 

-

“For the last time, man,” Taehyun grunted, “I am not a dealer.”

“You sold me some last time.”

“Yeah, but that was what I had.” Taehyun sighed. “I don’t have any on me today.”

The man looked around the park before he got closer to Taehyun. “Just get some with your contacts and give them to me.”

“Hey!” The two looked at who was screaming, Kai was coming closer to them with his roller skates. “Leave him alone!”

Kai had switched his board for rollers, and he was pretty good, he even got Beomgyu to learn some tricks with them. He was already tall, but they made him look even taller, towering over Taehyun. 

The man scoffed. “Losers.”

He walked away when Kai reached them. “Yeah! Go... You...”

“Thank you, Hyuka.” Taehyun put his hands in his hoodie’s pocket with a stoic tone. “Saved my life.”

“Who was that?”

“He wanted me to sell him pills.” Taehyun noticed the quick change in Kai’s expression. “I don’t have anything.”

“Don’t get him anything. I don’t like those pills you take.” Kai bit his lip. “I know you’re responsible for your own life but-“

“Okay.”

“Y’know, we don’t want it to get bad.”

“I know.” Taehyun nodded. 

“Sure, sure.” Kai took off the black backpack he was carrying. “I need you to do me a favor, actually, keep this bag with you.”

Taehyun took the bag with his brows raised. “Are you a dealer?”

“No.” He rolled his eyes. “My mom’s gonna do some remodeling on my room or whatever. She can’t find these.”

“Porn magazines?”

“What?” Kai frowned. “No. My bong and pipes, man.”

Taehyun opened the bag once he got home. Kai was right, his bong and pipes were inside it- right next to his porn magazines. 

He opened one, big round boobs greeting him right away before he flipped the page. Taehyun furrowed his brows as he turned the magazine vertically. “So that’s how it looks?”

He closed it and looked inside the bag again. “What the-“ He took another magazine out, now holding a DILF Christmas Special on his hands, with muscular macho men in tiny red shorts. 

That’s a conversation for another time. Or maybe never. 

Taehyun closes the bag and pushes it under his bed, accidentally hitting something and making a green board filled with stickers roll out from under the bed. 

The computer dings with a notification, he slowly stands from the floor to look at it. 

Like the Universe was watching. 

Yeonjun’s name is in bold letters with an unopened mail on his inbox. 

 I AM SO SORRY!!!!

Tyunie... Happy belated birthday! 

I can’t believe I missed the date. I received Soobin’s mail and that’s when I realized what day it was. 

I’ve been working like crazy! I had a lot of difficult exams and then I got the internship I really wanted and of course I had to keep up with both and it’s so stressing I don’t keep count of the date and my hair is falling out 

Yeonjun goes on about his work, about his life. It’s the most that he has written to Taehyun in a long time, and most of it is just excuses. 

He keeps talking about himself, he doesn’t ask anything about Taehyun -and he’s glad, that way he doesn’t have to tell Yeonjun that every day is the same bad day for him. 

Taehyun debates on not replying at all, but he finds himself typing anyways. 

it’s okay. i know you are busy

glad to hear that everything is going good for you

everything is still the same here. nothing new

It’s a feeling that creeps up to his neck, choking as the words weigh on him. 

He stares at the skateboard that rolled out from its hidden spot from under the bed, the first one he ever rode on the day that he met Yeonjun. 

He kept skating, unlike Yeonjun, almost every day. He still uses his baggy jeans, his big stained shirts, his dirty sneakers, all while Yeonjun wears suits to job interviews. 

He smokes just like how Yeonjun has taught him, he sits on the couch that Yeonjun found, he still has his Barbie doll sitting on a shelf and she’s still called Emily. 

With Yeonjun gone, Taehyun had become a ghost of him. 

  2002

The mattress was gone. Has been for a while. 

The couch is still there, broken and painted with graffiti everywhere. It’s not good for sitting, really. 

They don’t come here anymore. 

“Taehyun.”

A bike stopped behind him, Soobin put a foot on the ground as sweat rolled down his forehead. 

“Soobin hyung.” He replied. 

“He’s back, Yeon-“

“I’m aware.” Taehyun takes a last glance at the couch. “The others told me already.”

“Why are you here?” Soobin shook his head. “He tried to go to your house and you weren’t there.”

Taehyun shrugged. “Oops?”

“I know you still resent him, that’s valid.” Soobin offered him a smile. “Still, let’s go see him.”

It wasn’t hard to convince Taehyun. He was behind Soobin on his bicycle, arms around his waist as Soobin pedaled down the road. 

Kai ran out from his house, startling Soobin for a bit before he stabilized the bike again. “Going to Yeonjun hyung’s?” 

“Yup.” Soobin smiled. 

“I’ll get there first!” He ran faster to the house, Soobin didn’t try to chase after him. 

Kai was the first one to go down the hallway, smiling big as he turned around the corner, barging into Yeonjun’s room. 

Taehyun’s heart was hurting with anxiety, stepping closer and closer as he heard the loud laughs of two friends greeting each other after years. 

“Huening! You’re huge! Who let you grow this big? Huh?”

Yeonjun’s voice pierced right through him, the change was obvious. Not only did it get raspier, but he had a little difference in his pronunciation, not quite a foreigner, but a lot like the way he sounded when they met for the first time. 

Soobin dragged him to the door. “Hyung, I brought back something.”

Yeonjun looked up from his hug with the youngest, a little gasp that wasn’t meant for him to hear left his lips as he stepped away from Kai. 

Taehyun wanted to hide behind Soobin again, but the taller moved away from him, closer to the bed where Beomgyu was watching the situation unfold. 

“Tyunie.” Yeonjun ran to him, crushing him with a tight hug before he leaned back. 

“Hi.”

“You’re still the same.” Yeonjun put his hands on Taehyun’s shoulders and smiled. 

Yeonjun wasn’t the same. His face was defined, his jaw became sharp, his hair was parted to the side, he was wearing a button down shirt, he had a new mole right under his eye. 

“The same?” Kai snorted. “I thought you wouldn’t recognize him.”

Taehyun wasn’t the same. His hair was bleached and dyed silver, he got various piercings, including two lip rings. He’s been training for years, growing broader and more muscular. 

“He is.” Yeonjun nodded. “He’s still my baby brother.” 

“Yeonjun, you-“ Taehyun murmured. “You idiot!”

“Woah.”

Taehyun balled his fist and punched Yeonjun’s chest, hot tears spilled down his cheeks. “How dare you? How dare you come back like this?”

“Guys, let’s leave them alone.” Beomgyu was the first to jump from his seat, making the others follow him outside the room and shutting the door close behind them. 

“Tyunie...”

“Don’t fucking call me that.” Taehyun puffed. “You said you would visit. You said you would write and send pictures every day.”

“I tried.”

“I haven’t heard from you for over a year!” Taehyun tries to pry off Yeonjun’s hands from his shoulders. “You promised. You promised you wouldn’t disappear from my life.”

Yeonjun forced him to his chest, caging him in a hug as Taehyun gripped on the back of his shirt. “I missed you too, Tyunie.”

Taehyun buried his face on Yeonjun’s chest and cried, cried like the baby Yeonjun sees him as. 

It hurt . He grabbed fistfuls of Yeonjun’s shirt, pulling until it was physically impossible to pull him any closer. He let it hurt. 

Yeonjun slowly walked him over to the bed. “Sit for a second.”

Taehyun gasped for air when his face left Yeonjun’s body, he used his sleeve to wipe his face as the older walked to the door. 

“We have to talk.” Yeonjun said to the others with his head out of the room, the door just slightly opened for it. “Might take a while. At Gyu’s? I will call. Okay.” 

He closed the door again, locked it, turned to Taehyun and sighed. 

“They could’ve just waited outside.” Taehyun wiped his face again. “I’ll calm down soon, sorry.”

“No, we really need to talk.” Yeonjun sat down next to him on the bed. 

Taehyun doesn’t want to talk, he just barely stopped his heart from pouring out, he can’t hold it in much longer. 

“I’ve been meaning to say this for a long time.” Yeonjun grabbed his hand. “Taehyun, I am sorry.”

Well, that’s a first. 

“For..?” 

Yeonjun laughed through his nose. “A lot of things, but let me start with disappearing. I would like to explain myself.”

Taehyun frowned, they never talked like this. “Okay.”

“Okay.” He mirrored. “I was always bad at expressing myself, you know that, I hated talking about... Feelings and whatever, but-“ He looked down at their hands on Taehyun’s lap. “It just became harder as time went on.”

“Talking to me was hard?”

“It was.” He looked up. “But because I changed so much, the distance was growing, I just didn’t know what to say whenever we talked. I am not the cool guy from the parties anymore, I’m a fucking accountant. You stayed cool while I became the boring adult we hoped we wouldn’t become.”

“So? You had to be an adult at some point.”

“You would always say everything here stayed the same, it did. I am the odd one out.”

Taehyun already knew all this. It was the same reason why he felt like he couldn’t talk to Yeonjun anymore. At least the feeling was mutual. 

“What was the other stuff you felt sorry for?” 

“Oh, well.” Yeonjun was taken aback from the sudden change. “It’s just a general apology, I guess, for being a bad hyung.”

“What?”

Yeonjun squeezed his hand. “Maybe you didn’t realize it yet, but I was a horrible influence. Always getting you in trouble, making you skip school, putting you in physical danger. Fuck, I even got you on drugs when you were fourteen. Fourteen .” 

“It’s not that bad-“

“No, it’s super fucked up. I hope one day you see it and I hope you can forgive me for it, but it’s really fucked up.”

Taehyun stayed quiet, slipping his hand from Yeonjun’s grip. “I’m twenty now and I’m okay.”

Yeonjun seemed disappointed at that. “It’s not like that. It’s- Fuck, I don’t know how to say it.”

And that was more like the Yeonjun he knew, frowning as he tried to piece two thoughts together instead of ranting about his feelings. 

“So what?” Taehyun shrugged. “Do you not smoke anymore?”

“No.”

Taehyun’s brows went up, not expecting that answer. “Really?”

“It was hard to get a new dealer in a new country where you don’t know anyone.” Yeonjun laughed. “By the time I got someone, I realized I was happier without getting stoned.”

“Are you happier now?”

Are you happier in another continent? Are you happier with the wall between us? Are you happier without me?

“I am.”

-

“You got a pool now?” Yeonjun gasped, looking at Beomgyu’s backyard through the glass door. 

“Oh, yeah.”

“Cool.” Yeonjun turned around. “I saw that the park’s still there.”

“Of course.” Beomgyu nodded. 

“There is a new mall.” Kai smiled. “It even has a bowling alley.”

“Should we go?” Yeonjun was the only one that hadn't sat down. “I’ll crush you.”

“Then, us four against Yeonjun hyung.” Soobin laughed. 

“Tyunie wouldn’t do that to me.”

“Nah.” Taehyun chuckled. “I’m with Soobin.”

-

They laughed as Yeonjun fell to his knees as he failed again, the ball kept going to the side much to his chagrin. 

“Daniel out.” Beomgyu laughed as he gave him a thumbs down. 

Yeonjun exhaled dramatically, dragging the bowling shoes against the floor. 

“The nachos taste so good when you know Yeonjun hyung is paying.” Soobin chewed as he got up to pick a ball. 

Taehyun giggled as he picked up a tortilla chip covered in melted plasticky cheese, Beomgyu and Kai started cheering for Soobin. 

“Are you having fun?” Yeonjun whispered to him, his hand slowly touched Taehyun’s jaw before his thumb wiped the cheese from his bottom lip. He brought his thumb to his own mouth, sucking on it as he awaited for an answer. 

That was the moment Taehyun’s brain shut down. 

He jumped when the two boys at his side screamed with Soobin, who had his fists in the air as he celebrated a strike. 

“Take that, you accountant loser.” Soobin moved his hips to the background music in his little celebration. “Bet you didn’t take that into account.” 

Taehyun’s face was still burning, he smiled at the other boys and raised his sleeves up to his elbows. Is it hot in here?

“Oh, wow.” Yeonjun glanced at Taehyun’s forearms. “And these?”

He traced a finger along Taehyun’s sloppy stick and poke tattoos, sending shivers down his spine. “Someone I know does them-“

“Yeonjun hyung! Will you play or what?”

Yeonjun looked up like a deer caught in headlights, he nodded and stood up to pick another ball to throw. 

“You really haven’t changed.” Kai laughed at his side. Has he been there the whole time? 

-

His life was back to what it once was. He made plans to see the group -the whole group, finally- Yeonjun called his house so Taehyun would come outside just to walk down the road to their friend’s house together. 

“I’ll grab a swimsuit and then we’re going to Beomgyu’s.” Yeonjun explained to his mom, making Taehyun follow him to his room. “He has a pool now!”

Taehyun had time to look around Yeonjun’s room now. There were stains on the walls where lots of posters were taped to, the floor had brown boxes replacing Yeonjun’s messy clothes. 

Ever since he was little, he looked at the same corner of the room as Yeonjun changed clothes, he was respectful like that. 

“Y’know... There’s something I haven’t asked you yet.”

Taehyun’s heart picks up its pace at that, terrible way of starting a conversation. “What is it?”

“It’s a little crazy, I asked Soobin some time ago and he said no but-“ Yeonjun paused, not helping Taehyun’s nerves. “I figured I should ask you.”

“Aha.” Taehyun plays with the piercing on his lip. “So?”

“It’s okay if you don’t want to say anything about it.” Another annoying pause. “But... Did you and Soobin ever date?”

“What?!” Taehyun turned his head, giving him whiplash and forgetting that Yeonjun was getting dressed. 

Thankfully, Yeonjun was getting done tying his swim shorts. “You’re close and all that.”

“Huh?” Taehyun put a hand on his aching neck. “I’m close with all of them.”

“I saw you kissing Soobin at my party.”

There is heat spreading on Taehyun’s neck. “And you kissed Kai.”

“But you two were making out like-“

“And you kissed Kai.” He repeated. “Did you date Kai?”

“That’s different.”

Taehyun walked closer. “How is that different?”

How is that different from kissing Soobin? How is that different from kissing me?

“It was just a silly kiss. It didn’t mean a thing.”

“Really?”

“Yeah.”

“Why wasn’t it just a silly kiss when I begged for one?”

Yeonjun seemed taken aback and Taehyun couldn’t care less. He’d been wondering for years what his problem was. 

It seems like Yeonjun makes all his emotions come afloat, he’s always on edge. 

“You know it’s not the same.”

“I don’t know.” Taehyun raised his brows. “Tell me.”

“Tyunie-“

“Because I know that me being sober didn’t mean shit either.”

“It did.” Yeonjun sighed, he took one of Taehyun’s hands in his. “Let’s not fight now. Okay? They’re waiting for us.”

And Yeonjun just has a way of breaking Taehyun’s heart, slowly and painfully, almost unnoticeable until Taehyun has tears in his eyes. 

-

“Want something to drink?”

“I’m good.”

Taehyun walked past Beomgyu, going directly to the backyard, where Kai was already dipping his toes in the water. “Oh, it’s nicer than I thought.”

Kai took off his shirt, revealing freckles from the last time he burnt his shoulders under the sun. 

“Did you put on sunscreen?” 

He giggled. “Nah.”

Taehyun tugged his own shirt over his head. “You peeled for days last time-“

“Fine, okay, go get it.” Kai rolled his eyes, already knee deep inside the pool. 

Taehyun left his shirt next to Kai’s and headed inside. “Beomgyu hyung, do you have sunscreen?”

He scanned the table in front of him before Soobin’s failed attempt of a whisper caught his attention. “Told you, he changed a lot.”

Taehyun turned around, meeting Yeonjun’s gaze on his body, obviously staring at his exposed torso, with a beer bottle halfway to his lips. 

“Have you guys-“ Taehyun crossed his arms to cover a little of his chest, totally not flexing to make his biceps look bigger. “Have you seen the sunscreen?” 

“Here.” Beomgyu came from the hallway, holding the bottle out for him. “I’m not putting aloe vera gel on Kai if he gets burned again.” 

“I’ll help you.” Soobin smiled as he walked out. “Huening, get out of the pool.” 

Taehyun raised his chin to Yeonjun, who was still ogling. “What?”

“Nothing.” He finally took a sip of his beer. “You’ve been working out. Nice body.”

“What the fuck?” Taehyun laughed, walking away before Yeonjun could see the red in his face. 

Once Kai was covered with white cream, Soobin took off his polo shirt. “Me now.”

“Am I getting paid-? Yah! Kai! Don’t go into the water yet!” 

Kai froze on the pool stairs, sitting down at the edge to let the sunscreen dry a little. 

“You’re such a dad.” Soobin chuckled. 

Taehyun poured cream on Soobin’s shoulders and started rubbing it down his back. “Hey, crazy question... Has Yeonjun hyung ever asked you if we dated?”

“Oh, yeah, ages ago.” Soobin nodded. “Like, when he just left.”

“He asked me now.” Taehyun got to Soobin’s waist and stopped. “Do we act like a couple?”

It is true that they kissed (more than once), but Taehyun has also kissed Kai, who’s made out with Beomgyu (who said it made him straighter).

“No.” Soobin turned around. “You think he’s jealous?”

“Jealous of what? He’s not even gay or something like that.” 

Soobin dropped his smile. “You’re kidding.”

“Is he?!” 

“You’re so clueless, it hurts.” Soobin snatched the bottle from his hands. “His last dates here were all men, he only dated men in America. Did he seriously not tell you anything?”

“We stopped talking.” 

“Sorry.” Soobin started applying sunscreen on Taehyun’s shoulders while still standing in front of him. “Still, he always had... Let’s say, a soft spot for you. You were still a kid, now you’re not.” 

Soobin trailed his hands down, basically embracing Taehyun to rub cream on his back. 

“W-What are you doing?”

“A favor.” 

Like clockwork, Yeonjun walked up to them. “I want sunscreen too.” 

Soobin passed him the bottle before grabbing Taehyun’s arm and taking him to the pool. “Kai, you can go in now.”

“Finally.” The younger one jumped into the water. 

“But-“

“You wanted to help him, right? Feel up his body?” Soobin pointed at him, whispering as they got to the pool stairs.

“Ew, don’t say it like that.” Taehyun frowned. 

“Trust the process. Let’s swim.”

“You don’t know how to swim.”

Soobin shrugged. “Teach me, then.”

-

Soobin didn’t learn how to swim, he was now being attacked by Beomgyu and Kai with water guns - What’s the point of that when he’s already soaking wet from the pool? 

Taehyun was aware of Yeonjun standing close to him, both their backs resting against the edge of the pool. 

He’s been trying to avoid looking at Yeonjun’s body like a weirdo, noticing that his shoulders got wider and squarer, plus him losing baby fat, making his waist tiny in comparison. His legs are longer than ever, his black hair is slightly wet and slicked back. 

Taehyun catches himself and looks away, in time to see the three clowns have a truce. 

“Aren’t you guys hungry?” Beomgyu puts down his gun. “We can grill burgers like the other time.” 

“You have everything?” Kai dries himself with a towel as he looks for his shoes. 

“We can go buy it.” 

“I’ll go with you.” Soobin grabs his shirt and turns to the two still at the pool. “Want anything?”

“Whatever’s fine.” Yeonjun shakes his head. 

“You know what I like.” Taehyun says. 

Soobin winks at him. “I sure do.” 

He’s going to make him pay for all this. 

“You’re home alone, so answer the door if the bell rings.” Beomgyu instructs them, as if he won’t be just one block away. 

“You sure there’s nothing between you and Soobin?”

They hear Beomgyu’s big front door closing loudly. Taehyun scoffs. 

“Yes, nothing. Why? Jealous?” 

Yeonjun looks to the side. “Just asking.”

“Then,” Taehyun shifts, standing in front of Yeonjun with a hand against the edge beside Yeonjun’s shoulder, almost caging him, “I want to ask something too.”

Unlike Taehyun, Yeonjun has no shame when staring. His eyes go to the small tattoo inside Taehyun’s arm, to his pectorals, to the piercings on his lip. “What?”

“Am I still just your baby brother?” 

Yeonjun’s eyes meet his, he’s silent for a moment before he stands up straight, now towering over Taehyun once again. 

Again. He’s made a fool of himself. Again. 

“No.”

His stomach drops when there are two hands holding his face, Yeonjun leaning closer and stopping just before touching him. He looks into Taehyun’s eyes. 

Whatever. 

Taehyun closes the gap, finally getting to feel Yeonjun’s soft lips against his. Yeonjun inhales sharply through his nose in a gasp, but kisses him back, cold hands still against his cheeks as he turns them around, pinning Taehyun against the pool tiles. 

It’s suffocating. Yeonjun opens his mouth, licking one of Taehyun’s lip rings. It’s too much. Their bare chests are touching, burning with cold water. 

It’s not enough. Yeonjun’s hands go down, grabbing Taehyun’s thighs and making him wrap his legs around Yeonjun. They separate for a moment, looking at each other before Taehyun throws his arms around Yeonjun’s neck to kiss him once more. He can breathe again . 

The kiss is loud, wet, Yeonjun grunts when Taehyun bites on his lip, presses him harder against the edge of the pool. 

There is a loud squeak when the front door opens again. Taehyun pushes on Yeonjun’s chest, a little too hard, he barely holds on before slipping underwater and stands at the other end of the pool. 

“Come help with the food or you won’t eat any.”

Yeonjun glances at Taehyun, gives him a soft smile and gets out of the pool. 

Taehyun submerges his head underwater. He needs a second to cool out. 

-

“You’re smiling, it’s creeping me out.” Soobin and Taehyun were preparing their beds while the others were cleaning downstairs. “So what happened with Yeonjun hyung?”

“Nothing.”

“Nothing?” Soobin gasped. “I left you alone for a reason. I even made them take extra time deciding on the buns.”

Taehyun shrugged. “Nothing happened.”

“But you’re smiling.” 

“I just had a good day.” 

The door opened and Beomgyu walked in, stomping on the beds they just prepared. “You guys, there’s a storm coming.”

He opened a window and looked out at the dark sky. 

“Shouldn’t you close it?” Taehyun raised a brow. 

“Feel the cold wind.” Beomgyu smiled, the strong wind coming from the window moved his long bangs away from his face. 

“Are you high?”

“No.” Beomgyu turned around. “Actually, I wanted to smoke... But it felt weird? I don’t know. Yeonjun hyung told me he stopped smoking.”

“What does that have to do with us?” Taehyun frowned as he sat down on Beomgyu’s bed, the only one that wasn’t the floor. 

“It’s weird.” He whispered. “It’s like he’s such an adult.”

“He didn’t change that much.” Soobin shrugged. “He stopped smoking, big deal. He has a boring job at accounting, whatever. He wears khaki pants- Yeah, I see your point.”

“Whatever, I want some water.” Taehyun stood up, headed to the door. 

“Wait, take some aloe vera gel down, Yeonjun hyung got sunburned.” 

“Is it hard? Like medicine?”

“It’s not half as bad as what med students go through.” Kai chuckled, closing the kitchen cabinets. 

Taehyun stayed by the door, listening as Yeonjun and Kai talked about Kai’s nursing program, he played with the bottle of green gel in his hands. 

“It’s so crazy.” Yeonjun sighed. “Soobin is finishing psychology, Beomgyu is in engineering and you’re about to be a nurse.”

And Taehyun does nothing. 

Yeonjun was surprised when he asked about Taehyun studies only to be told that he didn’t apply to any university. 

“You’re an accountant.” Kai laughed. “What the hell? I didn’t even know you were good at math.”

Taehyun decided to step out of his hiding spot. “Hey.”

“Oh, Tyunie.” Yeonjun smiled at him. “We just finished here.”

“Beomgyu hyung said you needed this?”

“Yes, please. Kai, you can head up-“ A loud thunder interrupted Yeonjun, accompanied with the whistle of the wind against the windows. “Upstairs. We’ll finish with the rest.”

“I just hope the power doesn’t go off,” Kai whined, “I need Beomgyu’s aircon to sleep.”

“He opened the window.” 

“I sleep by the window. It’ll get wet.” Kai gasped, he ran to the stairs at the same time as raindrops started falling. 

“So do you need help wi-“ Taehyun was interrupted with a kiss. The rain masked his surprised whimper while Yeonjun pressed against him again. 

“Sorry, you were saying?” 

Taehyun blinked. “Help with the gel?” 

Yeonjun just stepped back and took his shirt off, revealing red shoulders for Taehyun to massage. He poured the green gel on his palm, shyly spreading it on Yeonjun’s skin. 

“Are you uncomfortable with this?”

“No.” Taehyun looked into his eyes. “But if someone walks in...”

They’re standing too close, with Yeonjun half naked, Taehyun looked like some erotic masseuse. He hurriedly spread the rest of the gel on his shoulders, the thunder was strong against his ears. 

“Relax.”

“But they’ll wonder what is taking us so long.”

“It’s been, like, two minutes.”

And he feels fifteen again. He’s back at that night at Yeonjun’s, having his heart broken as he tries to relax to prevent a panic attack from a bad trip.  

He feels fifteen as they kiss in secret, using the thunderstorm to hide their noises, making sure nobody was watching just around the corner as they pressed against each other. 

And he waits. Because Yeonjun makes him feel good, so there must be something coming to ruin it. 

Yeonjun giggles against his lips, his face is painted sunset pink. “We should go up before they come for us.” 

The lights are already off when they walk in, everyone is in their respective place that’s been set ten years ago, with Yeonjun’s mattress added back to his place nearest to the door. 

They brush their teeth and lie down. “I remember one night with a thunderstorm just like this.” Yeonjun propped himself on his elbows. 

“Beomgyu hyung was so scared that he slept with us so we could cuddle.” Taehyun smirked. 

“You and Kai were also scared, shut up.”

Kai kneeled on his mattress to look up at Beomgyu like a puppy. “Do you wanna cuddle again?”

“I find storms relaxing now.”

Kai whined, hitting the edge of Beomgyu’s bed. “Let’s cuddle like that night.”

Beomgyu quietly goes over to them, Kai switches places with Soobin so the three youngest stay in the center. Once Beomgyu is settled in the middle, Yeonjun presses his whole torso against Taehyun’s back, startling him a little. 

The rest didn’t care, Soobin even had one leg wrapped around Kai. He relaxed against Yeonjun, letting him hold him close. 

“Honestly,” Yeonjun spoke against Taehyun’s hair, “I am so glad that you guys are still this close.”

“You thought they could live without me?” Kai laughed, receiving a pinch from Soobin. 

“I don’t know, I was afraid that you would grow apart.”

“Like you did?” Taehyun could feel Yeonjun tensing once he said it. 

“Yeah.”

-

“I want to, like-“ Kai moves his arms, “Do like a backflip with it. Y’know?”

Taehyun shrugged. “Do it.”

“I’m scared.” 

“Breaking an arm isn’t so bad.”

“You know what’s bad?” Kai looked at him with big eyes. “Breaking my neck and dying, Taehyun.”

“Then, don’t try it and never find out.” 

Kai groaned and dipped into the pool with his roller skates again as Taehyun opened his bag, he took out his already rolled joint from a tin can with his lighter. 

It’s been ages since they discovered that nobody really cares enough to call the cops on them, the park always smelled like weed, anyways. 

Taehyun watched as Kai cartwheeled over the ledge when he heard someone coming. 

“Oh, it’s you.”

Beomgyu sat at his side, throwing his arms around him and completely invading his personal space. Yeonjun sat at his other side. 

“Hey, baby, gimme a little.” Beomgyu puckered his lips towards Taehyun’s hand, he brought the joint to his lips so he could let Beomgyu take a drag. 

“Do you...” Taehyun offered it to Yeonjun, who lifted his brows. 

“Uhm, nah. Thanks.” 

They haven’t really talked about them kissing like they did just some days ago. The pain is slowly coming, Taehyun is already preparing to get hurt, knowing he won’t get the chance to kiss him again. 

He takes another drag, inhaling the smoke with the same technique that Yeonjun taught him years ago, at the same park that Yeonjun brought him to years ago. 

“It’s been years since I’ve skated.”

“Your board is still in my room.” Taehyun exhaled. “If you ever want it.”

Yeonjun chuckled awkwardly. “Maybe I forgot everything.”

“Impossible.” Beomgyu shook his head. 

Taehyun rolled the skateboard behind him towards Yeonjun. “Give it a try.”

Yeonjun stood up again, taking the board and giving it a little test with his foot before skating away. 

“What is that loser doing?” Beomgyu watched Kai. 

“He wants to do a flip... But he’s a coward! And he uses his hands!”

Kai turned to him. “I can hear you!”

“That’s the point! Idiot!” 

“Boo.” Beomgyu put his thumb down. “Do a flip! Do a flip!”

Yeonjun stopped skating at the other end of the bowl. “Do a flip!”

Even some boys at the nearby ramp started cheering for Kai, which only made him more nervous for the trick. 

“Shit. When did those kids get here?” Taehyun put out his cig against the floor, ready to put it inside the tin box again. He didn’t like to do drugs in front of younger people. 

“Come on, they’re like fifteen. You were doing worse things at that age.”

Taehyun looks up at the boys, they must be in middle school, around the age that Taehyun started being who he is now. 

Yeonjun’s words hit him. You were just a kid . It was different. 

He searched for Yeonjun, his hyung, he was skating circles around them with increasing speed. Just like the first time he got Taehyun high. 

You were just a kid.

His hair is being pulled back by the wind and Taehyun has to bend to keep his eyes on him. Just like a movie.

Nothing has changed. No matter how much Taehyun tries, he’s the same kid he was years ago, fearing that he’s in love with Yeonjun. 

Everyone cheers as Kai does a backflip on his rollers to get out of the bowl. 

“I need to go.” 

“But-“ Beomgyu frowned as Taehyun stood up. “Why? We just got here.”

“I need to poop, or whatever.” Taehyun took his bag and walked away. 

-

“Ah, you scared me.” Soobin clicks his tongue as he stares at his hand, the black nail polish painted on his fingers when Taehyun barged in his room. 

“Your mom let me in.” Taehyun just closed the door behind him. 

“And you don’t know how to knock?”

“I need therapy.”

Soobin looked at him quietly, he furrowed his brows. “Yeah, I've been telling you that for years. You need to see a professional.”

Taehyun sat on Soobin’s bed. “You’re a psychologist, right? You can be my therapist.”

“No.” Soobin blew on his nails. “First, I need to hand in my thesis and all that, but also, you’re my friend so it won’t work-“

“I think I have PTSD?” Taehyun crosses his arms. “Or some trauma. You think it could be my dad leaving when I was a kid? Is that why I’m gay?”

“Okay.” Soobin sighs, finally turning his chair towards Taehyun. “What happened?”

“Nothing.”

“Taehyun.”

“Really, nothing happened. But, I still can’t breathe and I feel like my head will explode and being high made it stop but now it doesn’t help at all.”

“You’re not… Craving something stronger, right?”

“I am.”

At this point, it doesn’t matter if he tries to hide it. Sorry, hyung, I know this is disappointing.  He still thinks about his pills, how they emptied his brain.

“It’s understandable, not a bad thing.” Soobin looks at the floor, clearly being careful with his words. “As long as you don’t act on it.”

“I don’t think I will do it again.”

“Let’s go back to the can’t breathe part.”

Taehyun brought his hands to his neck. “It feels like I’m suffocating.”

“All the time?”

“No, only when my mind goes crazy.” 

Soobin nodded. “You’re not crazy.”

“I just want it to stop, you know? Breathe again, clear my head.” 

Soobin stood up, he picked up a CD and put it on his radio, soft instrumentals filled the room as he sat next to Taehyun. 

“Paint my nails.”

Taehyun frowned at the black nail polish bottle that was pushed to his hands, Soobin wiggled his fingers in front of his face. 

“Huh?”

“Focus on the song and paint my nails.”

“I thought you would help me.” Taehyun opened the bottle, scrunching his nose at the smell before he took Soobin’s hand closer to him. 

“Music therapy.” Soobin laughed once Taehyun glared at him. “It’s a real thing, trust me.”

“So you help people with songs?” 

“Yeah.” Soobin smiled as Taehyun cleaned the edges of his nail. 

“Like musicians.”

“Not really-“

“Musicians help people with their music.”

“I’m nothing like a musician.” 

Taehyun shrugged. “You could be an idol.”

“An idol?” Soobin snorted. “You’re very imaginative, Taehyun.” 

It kind of works. Taehyun is too focused on doing an okay job while painting Soobin’s nails while he listens to the slow song playing in the background. 

“Do you go to therapy?” 

“Yes.” Soobin nods. “With a professional. It helps me a lot.”

“I don’t know if I can talk to a stranger, I mean…” He shrugged. “What would we even talk about?”

“Things you don’t like to talk about with us. Your childhood, your family,” Soobin listed, “Your addiction, your overdose, your anxiety-“

“Okay, damn, they’ll put me in a psych ward.” Taehyun cleaned the edges of the last fingernail. 

“I can get you an appointment, it will be great for you.”

“I’ll think about it.”

-

Taehyun kicked a small rock down the sidewalk until he reached his house. “What are you doing here?”

Yeonjun pressed his lips in a fine line, lifting Taehyun’s skateboard. “Nobody’s home.”

“Are you surprised?” Taehyun chuckled, walking up to him and taking the board from his hands. 

“Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m used to being home alone-“

“No.” Yeonjun shook his head. “I meant earlier, you just left so suddenly.”

“Oh, yeah, I’m fine now.” Taehyun scratched his neck. “Soobin says I might have anxiety, he thinks I was having a panic attack.”

“Were you with him now?”

Taehyun nodded, a few seconds passed, the silence was awkward as he looked away. “Well, goodnight.”

“Tyu- Taehyun.” Yeonjun grabbed his wrist. “Can we talk?”

We can’t . Because he knows what will happen when they talk about them kissing; he’ll get turned down. 

And it’s okay, he had many years of accepting the fact that his love will always be one-sided, he just doesn’t want Yeonjun to say it to his face. It’s too much. 

“I have to make dinner... Maybe another time-“

“I need to talk to you.” Yeonjun didn’t let go of his arm. “Just listen, you don’t even need to answer.”

Taehyun had just calmed down, but his heart was picking up its pace again. “About what?”

“About you, us, kissing.”

Ah, there it is. 

Taehyun’s heart clenches. “It’s okay, hyung, I know.”

“No.” Yeonjun takes one step closer. “I can’t stop thinking about it, I just want to see you, hold you, kiss you...”

“What do you mean?”

“If there is a chance that you feel like this-“ Yeonjun licks his lips. “If there is a chance of repeating what we had that day at Beomgyu’s, I want it.”

Taehyun’s chest still hurt , the hairs on his nape raised, he took Yeonjun’s hand and unlocked the door. 

All his plans on avoiding Yeonjun were thrown out the window. Yeonjun’s back hit the entrance door as he looked down surprisedly at Taehyun. 

“Sorry. Too hard?”

“No.” Yeonjun breathed out. “It’s hot, keep going.”

He ignored the funny feeling in his gut as he kissed Yeonjun, dropping his bag on the floor to hold his waist with shaky hands. 

“What were you doing at Soobin’s?” 

Taehyun chuckled. “Jealous?”

“Yes.”

“Oh.”

Yeonjun seemed calm as he said that, Taehyun’s head was still buzzing from just making out on his bed. 

Don’t think too much of it. It’s not that deep . 

“Uhm.” Taehyun stared at the ceiling. “I was overthinking stuff, thought he could help.”

Yeonjun turned his body, laying on his side to caress Taehyun’s arm, giving him goosebumps. “Did he help?”

“Yeah.” 

Yeonjun hummed, still trailing his finger up and down Taehyun’s arm before it went to his chest. 

Even if Soobin wouldn’t admit it, he’s helped Taehyun so much that he doesn’t know if he can ever thank him enough. He’s sure that some of Soobin’s therapy sessions were spent talking about the group. 

He wonders if Soobin ever got help for helping him, if there was someone that helped him forget breaking Taehyun’s door to find him unconscious. 

“Remember what you told me when you just came back?” Taehyun finally met his eyes. “About me being a kid and you being a bad hyung?”

“Yes. Were you thinking about that?”

“I was... And I get it now, that I was a kid. And I get how it was weird for you, seeing me grow up like that, suddenly begging for a chance to be with you.”

“You weren’t-“

“The day you left, I was confessing.” Taehyun swallowed, ignoring the uncomfortable feeling on his throat. “I was confessing then, I was confessing when I asked for a kiss after that party.”

“Sorry.” 

“And the thing you said about me being the same as back then, you were right. Everyone around me has changed and I hated it, so I stayed the same.”

“What would you change?”

“This is a change, speaking up, accepting my feelings.”

Taehyun might’ve just ruined the mood, from heated making out to blinking back tears as they talked about stupid emotions. 

But he’s been holding everything in for ten years, he needs to change. 

“Tyun- Taehyun.” Yeonjun laid his hand flat on Taehyun’s chest. “I really didn’t mean to stop talking to you like I did, but it hurt every time we spoke.”

Taehyun frowned, waiting for an explanation. 

“Every time I asked something, you barely gave me an answer. If you ever wrote back, it was just to say that everything was the same. You seemed so bored of me.”

“No...”

“I know my life is boring now, your cool hyung is an office worker and reads newspapers with his breakfast. I know it’s not what you expected me to be, but we became so different that there was nothing I could do to bring us closer.”

They’re quiet. They’re strangers that know everything about each other. 

Yeonjun poked his chest. “Your turn. Talk about your feelings.”

Taehyun looked at him, Yeonjun was smiling like they were sharing secrets under a blanket fort. “I hate feelings.”

“Come on, you said you were changing. What’s another thing you wanna change?”

“Well,” Taehyun laughed as he thought of it, “I want a job, no, a career. I want to actually do something.”

“Flight attendant?” 

“How do you know?”

Yeonjun smiled at the thought. “You loved the flight attendant Barbie.” 

“Sure, but I can’t be a flight attendant.”

“Why not?”

“Because... They won’t hire me.”

“Why? Just take the piercings off and dye your hair, they have training programs-“

“Yeonjun hyung.” The younger rolled his eyes. “I need to be realistic.”

“Taehyun.” He grabbed Taehyun’s shoulder. “Stop putting yourself down. This is very realistic.” 

Taehyun sighs. Maybe . 

“Why aren’t you calling me Tyunie?” 

“Ah.” Yeonjun shrugged one shoulder. “I thought you didn’t like it.”

“I do like it.”

-

“Tyunie.” Yeonjun called him from the couch. “It’s starting.”

They rented a bunch of DVDs to watch at Soobin’s house. Taehyun grabbed the bowls of popcorn and zigzagged his way next to Yeonjun, giving the popcorn to the others. 

“What are we starting with?”

“Spiderman.” Beomgyu pressed play. 

Yeonjun threw the blanket he had over Taehyun’s legs to share it, the younger smiled at the gesture. 

They’re twenty minutes in, Beomgyu already fell asleep on the armchair, Kai dropped the popcorn on the floor, Soobin keeps asking questions and Yeonjun’s hand is on Taehyun’s thigh. 

Yeonjun rubbed his thumb against Taehyun’s skin as his fingers grip the inside of his thigh. Taehyun glances at him, but Yeonjun pretends to watch the movie with a small smirk on his lips. 

“Ah, Huening.” Soobin elbowed the younger. “Go bring the drinks.”

“Why me?” He gasps. “You’re the host.”

“Ah.” Soobin whined again. “You didn’t do anything.”

Kai stood up reluctantly, going to the kitchen just to come out again. “Where are the cups?”

“You know where they are. You’ve been coming here for years.” Soobin stood up anyways. He paused the movie and went to the kitchen. 

As soon as they were out of sight, a hand grabbed Taehyun’s face and Yeonjun’s lips were on his. 

“Are you crazy?” Taehyun whispered between kisses, looking at the couch where Beomgyu was sleeping. 

Yeonjun’s hand left his jaw to slip under the blanket they were sharing, lifting Taehyun’s leg so it rested on top of Yeonjun’s. 

“But-“ Taehyun tried to put his leg down. 

“Nobody will care.”

When Soobin and Kai came back, they didn’t care. It was obvious that Taehyun’s leg was thrown over Yeonjun’s lap, but this was a very touchy group; Kai put his head on Soobin’s chest and rubbed circles on his belly and nobody cared. 

He leaned closer to Yeonjun’s ear, whispering. “You’ll pay for this.”

Once the third movie finished and everyone was talking about what they should order for dinner, Taehyun had Yeonjun cornered in the bathroom. 

Yeonjun glanced at the door that was left ajar, slightly breathless from a kiss. “Shut the door.”

“Nobody’s coming.” Taehyun kissed down Yeonjun’s neck. 

“Shut the door, Tyunie, I’m not doing anything like this.” He hissed when Taehyun left a bite on his skin, searching for his lips again as he tried to reach under Taehyun’s shirt. 

“We’re not doing anything.” Taehyun smirked, stepping back and watching Yeonjun’s desperation. 

“You’re kidding me.”

Taehyun opened the door and stepped outside. “Soobin hyung, I want pizza, the one we always order.”

“Yeah.” Soobin looked up from the delivery flyers. “Seems like we’ll do that.” 

Beomgyu groaned. “I don’t want the one with all the vegetables.”

“But that’s the tastier one.” 

Soobin shushed them as he put the house phone to his ear, finger already tangled with the cord. 

Yeonjun came back from the bathroom with his face still a little wet from washing it, he put a hand on Taehyun’s shoulder and squeezed it. “Fair game.”

“Yeonjun hyung.” Kai called from the couch, going through his bag. “Do you mind if we get high?”

“I thought you were high around me many times already.” Yeonjun shrugged. 

“We were.” Kai got a little brown bottle out. “But secretly.”

Yeah. It wasn’t secretly at all. 

“We didn’t do it in front of you out of respect.” Beomgyu sat at his side. 

“I don’t care.” Yeonjun laughed. “I was the one that introduced you to drugs... Anyways.”

Taehyun knows that his laugh is forced, that he’s turning around for a reason. He was a bad hyung. 

Kai opened the bottle. “I heard someone saying that one of the best ways of absorbing it was as a suppository.”

“If you want something up your butt so bad, just say it.”

Kai frowned, he put the oil under his tongue, doing the same to Beomgyu before the two looked at Taehyun. 

“Nah, thanks.”

“Are you on something else?”

“No. Don’t worry.”

“Is it because hyung is here?”

“It’s because I’ll take a test to be a flight attendant.”

“What?”

“What?” Soobin turned around before putting the phone back against his ear. “Sorry, yeah, yeah, okay, thanks, bye.” He hung up the phone. “What?”

“I’ve been looking into it, I meet some requirements but they run a drug test.” Taehyun pursed his lips. “And a vision test and a background check... But at least I meet the height requirements?”

“Congratulations, really.” Beomgyu smiled at him. 

“I didn’t even get into the academy yet.”

“We’ll help you.” Soobin came closer. “You’re getting in, for sure.” 

-

Taehyun giggled. “If I cut my finger, it’s your fault.”

Yeonjun hummed, leaving another kiss on Taehyun’s shoulder before burying his head on the crook of his neck. 

Trying to chop the food in front of him, Taehyun still gave in to the touch. He leaned his weight back on Yeonjun’s chest as his hands made their way around Taehyun’s torso. 

“Let’s go back to bed.”

“You said you were hungry.”

They stood in sweatpants, rocking slightly as Yeonjun murmured nonsense against Taehyun’s skin, giving him goosebumps and making his heart clench at this fondness. It looks like a movie and I’m finally in the scene. 

He’s still wary, he doesn’t like the sleepy smiles and loving stares they share, they feel so temporal. With everything good in his life, something bad always comes. 

“Do you want to have dinner with my parents tonight?”

Taehyun frowned. “Why?”

“You never really met my dad.” Yeonjun rested his chin on Taehyun’s shoulder. “If you think it’s too awkward-“

“I had dinner with your mom almost every night when we were younger. How different can it be?”

“So you’re coming?”

“Sure.” There’s a lump forming in Taehyun’s throat. “Why not?”

He keeps waiting for something to happen. He keeps being on edge, not fully opening his heart again. He knows it should be coming at any moment. 

None of this is real. 

Because that is what Yeonjun does, he makes him feel good to make him feel terrible, just to make him feel good again. Hurt and comfort. 

He’s been feeling terrible. He’s been feeling terrible for years . 

Maybe this is making up for it. This could be him feeling good for years. This can be the comfort he’s been looking for in all the wrong places, finally coming to him, as it should. 

“Yeonjun hyung.” 

He looks up, messy hair and puffy eyes. “Yes?”

His heart is almost bursting, just one drop away from flooding his chest. “Do you really like-?”

The front door unlocks. Yeonjun steps away, now fully awake, as the two hear it open. 

“What are you-?”

Yeonjun drops to the floor, back against the kitchen island, hoping that it could be a good cover. Taehyun looks up. 

“Mom?”

“That’s sad.” Beomgyu pouts as he comes into view.

“What the fuck, hyung?”

“Damn, someone’s in a bad mood.”

“Yeah, I’m seeing you so early in the morning. What are you doing here?”

“Checking in.” Beomgyu shrugs, walking further into the kitchen and Yeonjun looks up at Taehyun terrified. 

“Why?”

Beomgyu puts a finger up. “You’ve been acting weird, avoiding getting high with us, very moody, not around. Like that time.”

“Told you, I’m quitting until the drug test.” 

Beomgyu lifts an eyebrow. “Yeah?”

“Yes. It’s just withdrawal, it makes me so irritable and stuff.”

“So you won’t care if I check your room?”

Taehyun signaled to the stairs. “Go ahead.”

Beomgyu headed to that direction, Taehyun felt a tug on his sweatpants. He looked down to see Yeonjun shake his head frantically. “We didn’t clean the room yet.”

Taehyun inhaled deeply, going behind Beomgyu. “Wait, hyung.”

“Want to admit something?” Beomgyu looked at him from the top of the stairs. 

“I’ll be honest.” Taehyun reached the top. “You can’t go in there.”

Beomgyu’s face changed, disappointment flashed before he put on a fake angry expression. “You’re on those pills again, aren’t you?”

This is getting annoying. 

“I had someone over last night. You can check my room, but...” 

He didn’t care if Beomgyu walked in on his messy room, he just didn’t have to find anything that could give Yeonjun away. Just like the blue button up laying next to his bed. Fuck. 

“I trust you.” Beomgyu put his hands on his hips, eyes betraying him by checking the surface of the bedside table. “Also, I don’t want to touch anything here.”

“Thank you for caring, I’m fine, you can go home.” 

“Fine.”

“And next time, try ringing the bell.”

They got back to the first floor, Yeonjun was still hiding somewhere. Beomgyu’s voice snapped him back. 

“There is a reason why I have this key, Taehyun.” Beomgyu showed him the key that was attached to a Disneyland keychain. 

“There is a reason why this house has a bell.” 

“Fine. No pills, just withdrawal.” Beomgyu put on his shoes at the entrance, taking a little too long as he stared down at a pair of big chunky shoes. 

He looked up from Yeonjun’s shoes to Taehyun’s eyes. Taehyun cleared his throat as he opened the door, pushing Beomgyu out. 

“Thanks for checking in.”

“Are you seri-“ 

“Okay, bye.”

The door closed, Yeonjun’s head popped up from behind the kitchen island. “Good?”

“Yeah.” Taehyun sighed, taking one last look at the white shoes before going into the kitchen again. 

“What was he talking about? Why does he have the keys to your house?” 

“Nothing.”

“Why is he worried about pills?”

“Nothing, hyung. Let’s just finish breakfast.”

A hand grabbed his bicep and stopped Taehyun. “Tyunie, I’m serious, I’m getting worried. If you don’t tell me, I’ll ask Beomgyu myself.”

Taehyun rested his hip on the counter, he picked at the skin around his fingernails. “It was an...”

Yeonjun stood in front of him, he waited, biting the inside of his cheek nervously. “Mhm.”

“It was just an overdose scare.”

It was quiet for a moment before Yeonjun took both of Taehyun’s hands in his. “What happened?”

“Nothing, really, they had to break my door and that’s why they have a key to my house.” He shrugged. “But, hey, I’m alive.”

“Were you trying to... Die?” 

“Don’t know.” Taehyun answered truthfully. 

He really didn’t know. At that moment he didn’t even know who he was. The only thing he knew is that he wanted it to stop, whatever was happening to him, it needed to stop. 

Taehyun’s body twitches, his hands feel tingly. Focus on your breathing. 

But it feels like he should be the one comforting Yeonjun right now. Like the mental image of whatever happened that night is hurting him. 

Yeonjun is blaming himself, Taehyun can see it in his eyes. He’s been a bad hyung. Things should’ve been different. 

“It’s okay, it was just a scare. Happened long ago.”

“Hey.” Yeonjun put a hand under Taehyun’s jaw, only then did he notice that he started shaking while recalling it. “I’m proud of you. Thank you for telling me this.”

Taehyun nodded. Fuck . He was shaking too much to go unnoticed by Yeonjun. “U-uh, sorry, I get shaky when I open up.”

“Can I kiss you?”

“Mhm.” Taehyun hummed, he breathed out before Yeonjun kissed him softly. 

“Is this okay?”

“I really need you to distract me right now.” Taehyun’s hands moved slowly on the taller’s back. 

“Oh, sure.”

Yeonjun held his face and kissed him again, deeper and faster, taking Taehyun by surprise. He ended up being pushed against the counter, sitting on it with Yeonjun between his legs as the kiss continued. 

It’s crazy. He’s shaking, begging Yeonjun to keep kissing him, and replace those memories with something more addictive. 

His lips are sore, Yeonjun loves to play with the snake bite piercings, licking and sucking his bottom lip like the night before. 

Yeonjun’s lips were also plumper and more pink than normal, Taehyun could worship them all day, he didn't waste any time to bite and pull at them. 

They’re interrupted by the phone ringing, Taehyun stares at it until it stops while Yeonjun takes the opportunity to kiss down his jaw and throat. It starts ringing again and Taehyun groans loudly as he hops down from the counter. 

“Don’t answer.” Yeonjun followed behind him. 

“I have to, it could be my mom.” Taehyun rolled his eyes and picked up the phone from the wall. “Hello?”

“ Hey .” Beomgyu’s sing-song voice almost made him hang up right then. “ Before you and Yeonjun hyung go any further, consider closing your curtains? ” 

Taehyun gasped, looking at where they were sitting just seconds ago, it was right in front of the kitchen’s window, which faces directly at the street and at Beomgyu’s house just across from it. 

-

“How was your day?” Yeonjun asked as he put a plate down.

“Had my first session of therapy today.” 

Yeonjun walked around the table, reaching Taehyun. “Really?”

“Yeah.” He made sure there were enough spoons at the table. “It was okay.”

It was a mess. He cried. A lot. 

With a quick peck on his cheek, Yeonjun smiled at him. It looked sincere. “I’m proud of you.”

“Stop saying that.”

“I am!”

After so much of nothing, his life started having so much movement out of the sudden. It feels like he just woke up, he’s starting to live life again. 

“I’m so glad you came, Taehyunie, I’ve missed you sitting at my table.” Yeonjun’s mom comes with the food. 

“I’ve missed your food, aunty.”

“You should’ve come by if you missed it so much.” She pinched him. “I haven’t seen your mom in ages. How is she?”

“She’s mostly at her boyfriend’s house these days.” 

“And your sister?”

“She also… Moved in with her boyfriend.” Taehyun glances briefly at Yeonjun, he seems to understand right away. 

“Dad!” He yells, not giving his mom time to ask more questions. “Food’s ready!”

Out of the hallway comes a man that Taehyun had seen just in old pictures, he smiles brightly at them. “Oh, sorry.” He points to his stained clothes. “I’ve been painting the whole day.”

Taehyun noticed. The empty walls, sheets over the furniture, the smell of fresh paint. Yeonjun’s home was always clean, always kept new. 

“This is Taehyun.” Yeonjun signaled. 

Taehyun bows his head. “Hello.”

“Also known as Tyunie?” Yeonjun’s mom raises an eyebrow, sitting next to her husband. 

“Oh, little Tyunie, I see.” The man smiles. “Heard a lot about you.”

“Is that so?” Taehyun sits next to Yeonjun and waits for the family to fill up their plates. 

“Yeonjun could talk for hours about you-“

“Dad.”

“Tyunie this, Tyunie that.” 

“Dad.” Yeonjun glared at his father, his ears were blushed red. He mumbles something in English before giving Taehyun a big piece of pork. 

It’s nice. 

For once, he doesn’t have to convince himself that everything is okay. It just is. 

He’s warm. He’s happy. He’s giving in. 

“Daniel has a picture of you on his wall.” 

“Oh.” Taehyun holds in a chuckle when Yeonjun covers his face. “From when we were kids?”

“Don’t know.” The man chews. “You were holding a cake with strawberries?”

Soobin’s e-mail. 

“He had that?”

It won’t leave his mind, they were doing the dishes together and a rush of heat goes through his chest when he thinks about Yeonjun printing out the picture of his seventeenth birthday to pin it to his wall, keeping it up even if they stopped talking. 

“Yeonjun hyung.” Taehyun left the cloth he had. “Do you like me?”

Yeonjun furrowed his brows, looking at him before he looked back at the sink. “Of course. Why are you asking?” 

Smiling, Taehyun took a step closer. “Did you like me before?”

“It was diff-“

“Different, I know. Still.” He almost pressed himself to the taller. “Did you have any feelings for me?”

Yeonjun turned to look at him, stared at the smile on Taehyun's face and his face softened. “I did.” 

They kiss, Yeonjun’s hands are wet as Taehyun intertwines their fingers. His cheeks hurt from smiling. 

Comfort . 

His mind is calm, quiet for once. Taehyun finally feels sure of something. 

“I like you.” He whispers against Yeonjun’s lips. 

“I like you too.” 

It’s too soon to confess that he might feel something stronger. He’ll get to it later. They’ll get to it, together . 

“Can you bring over the rest of the dishes?” Yeonjun turned back to the sink. 

“Okie.” Taehyun giggled, leaving his hyung to skip his way to the table again. 

Yeonjun’s dad was there, looking around the table. “Taehyun, did you see- Oh, here it is.” He picked up a roll of tape from a table. “It was nice to finally meet you before we leave.”

Taehyun blinks. “Yes. A pleasure.”

“Well,” He laughed, pointing back to the corridor, “Better go help the wife pack all her clothes, huh? Bye, kid.” 

The air gets heavier, he takes slow steps towards the kitchen, watching Yeonjun’s broad back as he loudly moves the dishes around. 

“Hyung.”

“Hm?”

“Why is your mom packing?” Taehyun hates hearing his own voice shaking. “Why is your house empty?”

The water tap turned off. “She’s moving in with my dad.” 

“But you’re staying.” Taehyun frowned. “Right?”

He’s choking. He’s suffocating. 

There’s no answer. 

“Right?!”

Yeonjun turned around to look him in the eyes, his jaw was clenched and he had matching tears glistening in his eyes. 

“You know I hate goodbyes, Tyunie.”

2003

There is a new kid in the neighborhood.

Taehyun was quick to notice as a new family parks their van in Yeonjun’s old house. He can hear the kids laughing through his window, running around the sidewalk with their toys. 

Taehyun closed the window, focusing back on the book he was reading. 

Give me some air that's cold and clean

Love can't bring me down

When I've taken myself

Way out of reach