Work Text:
It was on a Sunday afternoon when it hit Jeongin.
He was just getting out ingredients to prepare his dinner for the night when he turned and called out “Baby-”.
He stopped himself as he realized that there was no one else in the small apartment besides himself. It was like an arrow had been shot off right into his heart as he let the silence seep into his bones. Usually, when he’d start to make dinner, Felix would be right there with him so they could make it together. He never would admit it to Jeongin but the younger knew it was to make sure he didn’t burn the apartment down. But now- now Felix wasn’t there.
It had only been a month since Jeongin decided that it was best for the both of them if they broke up. They were both so busy with deadlines for papers and working extra shifts to make rent and tuition that they barely had any time to spend with each other. It pained Jeongin to admit it but there was an obvious disconnect between them that had been growing for a while. Felix had clearly been against the idea, Jeongin can still remember the pained expression on his face, but all he said was “If that’s what you really want.” and the rest was history.
Felix started staying with Chan the day after, and has been staying with their older friend ever since as it was originally just Jeongin’s apartment. Chan had come over a few times out of the past few weeks to collect Felix’s things.
“I told him that it’s not good for the two of you to see each other right now.” Chan said after Jeongin questioned him as to why Felix wasn’t the one getting his stuff.
Jeongin almost believed him, but there was something in the way that he said it that Jeongin could tell that wasn’t exactly the truth. ‘He doesn’t want to see you,’ seemed to be what Chan wanted to say.
He tried to ignore the disappointed feeling weighing his heart down as he turned back to the ingredients on the counter. He went through the steps with ease as it was something he cooked often.
‘This is one of Lix’s favorites.' he thought to himself for a moment but quickly tried to push the thought away.
He fixed everything onto a plate and went to sit at the dining table. It wasn’t until he sat down that he realized just how big their-his table was; it was big enough to sit six since he and Felix usually invited their friends over quite often for dinner and the weekend game nights. Looking at it now, he realizes that he never paid any attention to how big the table was for just one person.
He ate his dinner in silence like he had for the past month, but instead of him spending the time worrying over whatever assignment he was working on, he spent it just feeling lonely.
It was Wednesday the next time he experienced it. The week had been going excruciatingly slow, slower than usual, but he had so much going on with classes and work that he didn’t have much time to think of anything else but that. He had gotten lucky and was able to get off work a lot earlier than usual due to supplies being short. He was on his way home, just passing through a small tunnel, one that he and Felix used to go through often to get home, thinking about his final project for his history class. He had all the research done, and had most of it written up but there were a few things that he needed to add to get the required length for the paper.
“Hey, Lix, Do you think I should add-” he interrupted himself as he looked to his side and found no one there.
It was odd how it felt like there was someone right there next to him even though he knew he had been alone the entire time. In fact, looking around him, there was absolutely no one even in the vicinity. He stood motionless in the middle of the tunnel, the same painful feeling encasing his heart. He knew break-ups were hard, he’d been through a couple before but neither of them had felt like this.
The emotions hit him like a high-speed train, so much that he had to lean against the wall of the tunnel so that he wouldn’t collapse to the ground. Jeongin isn’t the type to cry easily, it has to take a lot to make tears come out of eyes. And this...this was a lot. All the feelings that he had been suppressing in the past month were starting to pour out of his eyes. The loneliness, the anger, the guilt, everything. Without Felix, it was like a part of him was missing; it was like the sun had stopped shining and all that was left were these dark clouds that hung over him, mocking his pain. He brought this upon himself. He’s the one that broke up with Felix, so why does it feel like the opposite. Why does it hurt so bad?
The urge to call Felix was overwhelming, maybe if he spoke to him this ache might go away. Shakily, he pulled out his phone and swiped to unlock it, but as he hovered over Felix’s name, a voice crept into his mind.
‘He doesn’t want to see you.’
And as much as he wanted to hear Felix’s beautiful, deep voice, he knew that he’d only make their situation worse. So, instead of Felix, he called one of their best friends, Hyunjin.
The phone rang and rang and rang, but Hyunjin never answered. So he tried again. And again. Until finally he gave up, and slid all the way down to the ground with his back still pressed against the wall.
‘Great, now even my best friend doesn’t want to talk to me.’ he thought to himself.
He wiped his eyes on his sleeve and toyed with his phone for a moment before he picked himself up and started walking again.
The ten minutes that it took to walk the rest of the way home was probably the worst ten minutes of Jeongin’s life. It was as if his mind had just broken; what once was just simple sadness was now unbearable. He couldn’t stop thinking about Felix. He couldn’t get his smile, his laugh, and his beautiful, beautiful face out of his head. But he also couldn’t forget how Felix’s smile slipped from his face that day, how his eyes- that always sparkled no matter what -dimmed. And it was all because of him. He ruined everything that they built together, thinking that maybe they’d be better off apart.
But now Jeongin realizes just how much of a mistake that had been. He wished he could turn back time and take it all back, but he couldn’t. Now, he had to face the consequences of his actions. As he approached his apartment complex, he slowed in his steps. He stared right up to his window from the sidewalk, the succulent that Felix had bought was visible in his bedroom window. A remnant of Felix that was left behind. Jeongin remembers the day he bought it, Felix being all wide-eyed and excited for his very first plant.
“Innie! Look what I found at the grocery store!” he exclaimed and shoved the plant right at Jeongin’s face.
“It’s cute, baby,” he replied with a fond smile, “Just like you.”
The way that Felix blushed at that was still fresh in his mind. His cheeks went pink and he smiled to himself as he rolled his eyes. Jeongin sighed at the memory and finally worked up enough courage to go inside. It was going to be a long night.
The rest of the week blurred together as Jeongin spent day and night in a haze of self-loathing and regret. Hyunjin had called back the morning after his breakdown, thankfully his best friend did still want to talk to him after all. He had told Hyunjin everything that happened and how he felt. They had a long conversation about how Jeongin needed to be sure that he wanted to try to get back together with Felix.
“Just sleep on it, okay? The last thing you and Felix need right now is your emotions clouding your judgment.”
But Jeongin had been sleeping on it. He pondered over it every second he was awake; in his classes, at home, at his job, there wasn’t a time anymore where he wasn’t reminded of the missing half of his heart. It was Monday, the start of finals week for the semester, when Jeongin had finally made his decision. He had just finished his science class and was heading to the cafeteria, hoping that he’d see Felix since he usually came here during this time.
It didn’t take long for him to spot Felix in the crowd of students, knowing that familiar head of blond hair anywhere. He was sitting with Chan, Changbin and Jisung in the middle of the room, smiling at whatever one of his friends said. It was the first time he had seen Felix in an entire month. They had completely different majors, so they never had any classes with each other and ever since the break-up, Jeongin hadn’t been that interested in eating in the cafeteria. As he looked at him, he knew that he’d give anything to have that smile directed at him.
He was about to take a step forward and walk up to him, but as he did he saw Felix throw his head back in laughter at something that Jisung had done. It was a sight that made Jeongin’s heart flutter, but it soon turned sour when Jisung got right in Felix’s face and squished his cheeks which then caused Felix’s to get flustered and fall into Jisung’s chest. This wasn’t necessarily an odd thing to see since the two boys were extremely close. But it was the way that Jisung stroked Felix’s back with his hand, and the way that Felix nuzzled his head into Jisung’s shoulder that caused a nasty sensation in Jeongin’s stomach.
“Oh.” He said quietly to himself.
He only watched on for a moment longer before he forced himself to leave the cafeteria. The image played over and over in his head like it had been seared into it. Jeongin tried to shove the jealousy that was threatening to climb up; he didn’t have the right to be jealous anymore. But for the longest time, he was the one that always made Felix blush like that. And to see someone, whom he was also close to, be that affectionate with him, it stung.
He went straight to his next class, not caring about grabbing something to eat. The rest of his day went by excruciatingly slowly, and he was constantly brought back to what he saw in the cafeteria. His anger hit a new high every time he thought about Jisung’s hand on Felix’s back. It was all he could think about for the rest of the day, even when he made it home.
And when he was lying in his bed that night, he thought of how stupid he had been. Felix never even wanted to break-up, but he had already made up his mind. If he had just talked to Felix, then maybe he’d be there next to him. Maybe he would’ve positioned himself to where they were face-to-face, and maybe he’d smile his gorgeous smile right before he kissed him goodnight.
But he wasn’t there, and by the looks of it, he never will be again.
A few days had passed when a buzz from his intercom made him jump. He wasn’t expecting anyone, in fact, he had been actively ignoring everyone’s messages for days, so he curiously went over to answer.
“Who is it?”
“It’s me!” a voice, unmistakably Chan’s, called out. “And if you don’t let me in, I will climb your fire escape and break your window!”
He buzzed him in without a second thought. When it came to the people he cares about, Chan would go to great lengths to make sure they are alright, and neither Chan or Jeongin have the money to replace a window right now. Chan was up the stairs in no time right as Jeongin had worked up the courage to open the door.
“Well, it’s great to know that you’re still alive.” Chan remarked sarcastically as he stepped inside the apartment.
Jengin winced. “About that. I’m sorry I haven’t been responding to any of your text messages, I’ve just been busy with finals.”
It was a lame excuse, he knew, but it was the only thing that was somewhat close to the truth. But Chan wasn’t buying it at all.
“You know that’s what I thought at first,” Chan started, slipping off his shoes and sitting down on the couch like a dad that just caught his son lying. “But then Changbin heard from Wooyoung that he spotted you in the cafeteria the other day, and saw you stare at Felix and then run out.”
Chan looked at him expectantly, but Jeongin didn’t know what to say. He’d been in such a fog lately, he’d completely forgotten that people could actually see him. God, he must’ve looked so pathetic.
With a big sigh, Jeongin plopped himself down next to Chan. There was no way he was going to get out of this one without telling the complete truth. “I went to see him the other day because I was going to ask if he’d take me back. I knew he’d be at the cafeteria, so I went there, and that’s when I saw them.”
He looked over to see Chan looking at him with confusion.
“Saw who?” he asked.
“Jisung and Felix.” Jeongin replied like it was the most obvious thing in the world. But Chan’s confusion only deepened.
“Okay? But that doesn’t explain why you ran out?” Chan replied, which only made Jeongin more frustrated. He was there! Why is he acting like he didn’t see them?
“You were there, hyung! You saw them all over each other; it’s clear that he’s moved on already.” he tried to hide the bitterness in his voice, but he failed.
There was an almost stunned silence on Chan’s end. So much so that Jeongin had to look over to check what was wrong. Chan looked like he was on the verge of tears as he seemed to be holding back his laughter.
“What’s so funny?” Jeongin asked, annoyed.
Chan let out a soft giggle, wiping a single stray tear away as he looked back at him. “Let me get this straight. You think that Jisung and Felix are dating because you saw them hugging at lunch?”
Jeongin nodded, not liking how Chan was basically laughing at him. To rub salt on the wound, a loud laugh erupted from Chan.
“You’re so smart, yet so clueless at the same time. You and Felix really are perfect for each other.”
“Hey!” he exclaimed in offense.
“It’s true because, had you not jumped to any conclusions, you would’ve seen Minho come by to sit next to Jisung, his new boyfriend.” Chan said, amused.
Jeongin stopped for a moment, taking in this revelation. He had always suspected that Minho and Jisung liked each other, but neither of them admitted to anything. But the more he thought about the incident, the more things just seemed blown out of proportion by him. Jisung and Felix were both the most affectionate people he had ever met, he wasn’t sure why he had let his insecurities take over him so much when he saw them together.
“Oh.” he said as he deflated into the couch.
Chan sighed loudly, his giggling fit now over. “Felix may kill me for saying this or he might thank me, I don’t know. But he misses you too. Badly.”
In surprise, Jeongin turned sharply to Chan.
“He does?” he asked hopefully.
“Yeah. So you’re gonna go back to my apartment and you’re going to ask him to take you back.”
Jeongin’s eyes widened in shock at Chan’s words. “What-”
But before he could say anything, Chan cut him off. “He should be there for the rest of the night. I already told him that I’m spending the night in the studio, so you’ll have all the time and privacy you need.”
He was almost at a loss for words. He debated on whether or not to listen to Chan, but this was what he wanted after all. But was this what Felix truly wanted?
“What if he doesn’t let me in?” he asked in a small voice.
The question seemed to evoke something in Chan as he gave him a sympathetic look, and took him by the shoulders. “He’s going to let you in, I know he will. But if he doesn’t, at least you’ll have tried. You can’t sit around and wait for him to come back on his own, you need to make an effort.”
Jeongin nodded. He let Felix go without even trying to fix their relationship, he wasn’t going to make that same mistake again.
He and Chan had parted ways at the bus stop with a few more words of encouragement. Chan lived on the other side of campus, so it was a little bit of a walk. On the way there, he imagined every scenario playing out, a lot of them ended with Felix kicking him out of the apartment or not even buzzing him in at all. To say he was nervous was an understatement, he was terrified.
When he finally arrived, he hesitated for a moment. From the last half of their relationship until now, he had been plagued by self-doubt. It was a hard thing to break out of, but as he stood there looking up at the building, he knew that the only way to work through it was to face his fears head on. So he walked up to the door, pressed the button to Chan’s apartment, and held his breath.
It took a second, but there was a loud buzz and then a deep voice that he hadn’t heard in over a month spoke. “Hello?”
“F-felix,” he stuttered. “It’s Jeongin. I was hoping we could talk?”
There was complete silence for a moment, and Jeongin was worried that Felix would just ignore him until he went away. But then the buzzer on the door rang loudly, and he nearly collapsed in relief. He went up the stairs as quickly as he could before Felix could change his mind, and before he could fully comprehend it, he was knocking on the door.
The door opened slowly after a moment. Felix peered shyly from behind it, and Jeongin had to fight every urge not to coo at him.
“Come in.” Felix said gently as he stepped aside for him.
It was awkward as he stepped inside and stripped his shoes off. He stood in the middle of the living room, feeling a little too weird to sit down. Neither of them said anything at first, so they just stood in front of each other unsure of what to do. It wasn’t until jeongin bit the bullet and began to speak that Felix even looked at him.
“I’m sorry for what I did,” Jeongin started, making Felix’s eyes lock onto his. “I didn’t even talk to you or ask what you wanted, I just decided to break things off on my own without considering your feelings.”
“Well, it’s not like I tried to stop you at all.” Felix laughed, but he could hear the pain behind it. He could tell that Felix was blaming himself, and Jeongin hated that.
Jeongin took a step toward him, itching to be closer now that he was in Felix’s presence. “I had already made up my mind, Lix. I was so scared of making you unhappy that I just made us both miserable instead.”
There were tears in Felix’s eyes as he looked at Jeongin in confusion. “What do you mean?”
“I miss you,” he said so gently, it was almost a whisper. “From the moment you left, I haven’t been the same.”
But Felix didn’t look convinced.
“Then why wait almost two months to say anything? Why even break us up at all, huh?” Felix asked, angrier now as tears were streaming down his face.”
Jeongin stepped closer again, noticing how Felix was watching him intently.
“Because I thought that you’d be better off without me. We were barely even spending time together because of how busy we were, and I thought that you’d be happier if we called it quits.” he admitted shamefully.
While he was still clearly angry, Felix looked at him a little more sympathetically now. “It looks like we're both self-sacrificing idiots.”
“You’re not the idiot, Lix, I am. Letting you go was the worst mistake I have ever made, and I don’t plan on doing it again.” Jeongin said.
“What?” Felix asked.
“Felix, I can’t be away from you any longer,” he confessed. “You are my everything, my entire world, and I need you back in my life. Lix, I still love you, I always will.”
Felix looked shocked to say the least. New tears were threatening to fall again as he struggled to find the words to speak.
“I-” was all that seemed to be able to come out.
They were already incredibly close, but one more step from Jeongin, and he was right in front of Felix. He reached up and gently cupped Felix’s face, wiping away the tears that ran down.
“Baby, please.” Jeongin whispered pleadingly.
Felix’s breath hitched at the nickname. He searched Jeongin’s eyes for something to probably show that he wasn’t being serious, that this was all just a cruel joke. But Jeongin held firm, his gaze genuine.
“Please don’t leave me again.” he said shakily.
It broke Jeongin’s heart to hear how scared Felix sounded, to hear just how much he hurt him. But he knew he’d do everything in his power to fix the mess he made. “I promise. I’ll stay with you forever.”
He pulled Felix closer and brought their lips together in a gentle kiss that gradually became heavier as their lips moved in sync. He had been waiting for this moment for what seemed like forever now, so he savored every press of Felix’s soft lips. But it soon became hard to breathe, so they pulled away, gasping for air.
Neither of them let go of each other, and they never would again.