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Qrow sighed as he closed and locked the door, gaining the privacy he so desperately needed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to spend time with James, it was just that he wasn’t ready to face the questions he knew were burning in the man’s mind. His throat felt tight just thinking about it, all the words he couldn’t say crowding in and choking him from the inside. He could tell James that there’d been an incident with a grimm he’d never encountered before, something he wasn’t proud of that could have gotten them all killed, that caused him to stop drinking. It was close enough to the truth that it wouldn’t even be lying really, just leaving out what caused him to drink so much and that was part of the problem. James knew him too well to not read deeper, to not know that there was more than what Qrow was saying and there was a good chance that he might pry deeper in an effort to find the root of the problem so he could fix it. Qrow knew better than anyone that there was no fixing him. No one could fix everything in the world but James seemed determined to do it or die trying and it was that last part that worried Qrow the most.
The secrets weighed heavily in his mind, on his tongue.
He wasn’t sure how much longer he could swallow them down but he’d put the final decision in Ruby’s hands. He’d told her to trust her instincts, his were obviously shit, and Summer had always been the most intuitive of the team. He was hoping that trait had been passed down to her daughter. With his luck things were going to come out in the worst way possible and backfire on him somehow. He wasn’t sure how it was going to happen exactly but he knew, as the licensed adult of the group, he would be held accountable for the actions and decisions made. It made sense, of course, logically as the adult, he would be the one in charge by default. Which was why he knew it was going to fall on him when it happened. He knew it would, they couldn’t keep a secret like this for long with the plans James had set out. He was just basing how badly things were likely to go on his semblance.
He settled into the room absently, setting some small glass figures along the windows out of habit. It was highly unlikely that anyone was going to try to break into his room here in the center of Atlas and if they did, they’d be more likely to use the door. He preferred wedging a chair or something against the door when he stayed at an inn but with the way Atlas doors were designed he couldn’t actually do that. The best he could do was to balance a chair against the door so that if someone opened it from the other side he’d hear it clatter to the ground. He was a light enough sleeper that it would be enough to wake him. He still favored the few extra seconds it would have taken an attacker to break down the weak barricade but anything was better than nothing even if he doubted he’d need it.
Old habits die hard and without the alcohol in him, his anxiety was worse than he ever remembered it being.
Sleep, when he finally relaxed enough to even lay down properly, was a long time in coming. His sleep was restless and when the light from the sun finally dragged him out of bed, Qrow swore he was more exhausted than when he’d gotten in it. Still, as much as his body wanted to lay down and not move for the rest of the day, there were things to be done. Today, James and Winter wanted to get them upgrades and new combat gear. While he wasn’t about to let any Atlas lackey touch Harbinger but he was willing to take advantage of the offer to do his own maintenance on it. He’d let James and Winter have their fun with his gear, within reason of course. The cape had to stay naturally but he could be convinced on a few other things.
Qrow winced when he pulled up the message Winter had sent him and saw that he was scheduled for a physical. He’d figured it was going to be done to update the, most likely outdated, file that Atlas Medical had on him but he’d hoped to have a few days to unwind first. He wondered if he’d run into any of the kids there. It was a good possibility since they probably didn’t have any files in Atlas, except perhaps Weiss, who would be considered outdated like his. They’d all need exams to create files on them.The day would be a little more bearable if he got to watch the kids’ antics.
~*~
Qrow’s hands were shaking as he dragged the chair over to lean against the door. The day had been much more trying than he’d expected, especially with trying to keep up the farce of everything being normal while trying not to start fights with Winter. It was a fine line to walk and he wasn’t sure he’d succeeded but he didn’t have the energy left to keep it up much longer. He thought pairing him up with the Ace Op was a bad idea but he knew how to stay out of other people’s way in a fight. He’d just have to warn the guy tomorrow when they went to the mines because if the slight feeling he got from James meant anything, he hadn’t told Clover himself. It had seemed like James wanted to talk to him after everyone had departed but Qrow had deliberately pretended not to notice so he could run away and hide.
And that was precisely what he was doing.
He was running away from James, away from someone he called a friend who wanted to help him, just like he’d run away from so many other things in his life. Raven’s abandonment, Summer’s death, Tai trying to help him cope. He’d run away from all of it. Started drinking instead and look where that had gotten him. He couldn’t ignore his own actions anymore. He couldn’t drink and act like nothing was wrong. He couldn’t feign normalcy anymore when he was coming apart at the seams. And he’d gone so long running away that he wasn’t even sure how to accept help anymore. Would it even be fair to when he was keeping the secrets he held?
He stumbled over to collapse on the couch, hands clenched while he tried to stop the trembling, curling over his fists in an effort to maintain some level of control over himself.
It didn’t work.
Qrow hated the feeling of lying that came with being around James and not saying anything. He’d kept Oz’s secrets before, guarded them most of his life, but always with the belief that Oz would reveal those secrets at the right time to the right people. James’s entire plan depended on Salem’s death and Salem wouldn’t die. Not really. She’d regenerate every time but James didn’t know that and he’d agreed to not tell. The longer they went without telling James, the further along the plan got without him knowing, the worse the feeling got for Qrow. He simply had to have the same faith in Ruby that he used to have in Oz.
It felt like she was all he had left to believe in but how was she going to know when it was the right time?
Oz had lost his trust by keeping the biggest secret away from them all but before that, he’d always known when to tell someone something, always knew what they needed to hear. Qrow had attributed it to all the lives he’d lived. Ruby was younger, far less experienced but she was the strongest bond Qrow had left. Things had been strained between him and Tai for years, though they still clung to each other. He was being honest enough with himself to admit that it was mostly his own doing. Yang had been drifting away ever since she’d found out the truth about her mother, likely because of the natural resemblance between him and his twin. Qrow had let her, had believed it was better for her that way. Nothing that had happened so far had done anything to mend that rift. If anything it may have made things worse and Qrow still wasn’t sure if it was better for her that way. He was finding himself second guessing a lot of his past decision that way.
Qrow didn’t know if Glynda was still alive or not at this point but he was hoping she was. The woman was a fierce fighter but holding Beacon was going to be a constant battle and even the strongest warriors grew weary at some point. He prayed that hadn’t happened but even if it hadn’t, there was no telling when he’d even see her again. After what happened with Leo, Qrow teetered with where Theo fell on the scale for trust, though he was willing to give the boisterous man the benefit of the doubt, if they ever met again, and Jimmy…
Qrow wanted to trust James. Wanted something more than Ruby to believe in. He wanted to trust the years of friendship and camaraderie they had between them. He wanted that time, those moments they shared, to matter. He wanted them to mean something. But with how James was already handling things, Qrow couldn’t bring himself to do it yet. He certainly couldn’t bring himself to argue against Ruby for it yet.
As much as he hated it, there was a part of him that understood why Oz had kept Salem’s immortality a secret. It was hard knowing that everything he’d done with his life had been for nothing. Except it wasn’t, not really. All those years spying and fighting hadn’t been completely wasted. It had bought them time. Time for Ruby and Yang to grow up, time for them to have a mostly happy childhood. It could have been time spent trying to find another way to stop Salem if he’d known the truth but it was too late to change the past and there was no use dwelling on it. Dwelling on the past, on all the could have beens and should have beens would just drag him down.
It would make him want to drink and he wasn’t sure he’d be strong enough to resist yet. Sobriety was still too new to him for the temptation but he’d made up his mind and he knew how to avoid things that may trigger his cravings.
Qrow turned his thoughts to his mission partner. Clover seemed to be able to hold his own. He and his team had certainly gotten the drop on them, though they had home field advantage and the traveling group had been exhausted. James wouldn’t have put anyone in charge that didn’t have the skill to manage the job right. He would have only chosen the most competent and efficient soldiers for his team. He may not be able to trust James with the secret they carried but he could trust that James knew what he was doing when it came to his own people. Hopefully that would expand to pairing any of them up with him.
~*~
The shaking of his hands wasn’t caused by anxiousness this time. This time it was adrenaline. Somehow, someway, against all odds, James had found someone else with a luck semblance. He’d found someone with a good luck semblance and paired him with Qrow. There was a level of strategy to that action that Qrow would expect from the General of Atlas but the way James had caught his elbow to pull him aside so he could ask how things had gone indicated a level of personal consideration. He was a little ashamed to admit that it had caught him by surprise because he hadn’t expected it. He and James were friends of course but there had always been a tension between them. Again, probably more his own doing. Still. It had been there and with how much James was working on top of that, he hadn’t seen it coming.
His throat felt uncomfortably tight with the secret he was keeping.
Blowing out a hard breath, Qrow spun on his heel and made his way out of his room. He debated between going for a flight to clear his mind or the training room to work out some of the energy buzzing under his skin. In the end he decided to go for training so that he was close in case something happened. He pulled up short when the room he walked into was already occupied but it was too late to back out unnoticed. Clover had already started making his way over to him and Qrow steadied himself for playing nice.
If he and Clover were going to be working together while he was in Atlas and they were going to be in Atlas for a while, then he was better off getting to know the soldier a little better. And in Qrow’s opinion, there was no better way to do that than sparring. You could tell a lot about a person by the way they fought and it was the one method of communication that had never failed Qrow in the past.
~*~
Qrow couldn’t help glancing around the living room, noting how barren and unlived in it felt. Which, he supposed, made sense since James seemed to spend most of his time in his office.
“I’m glad that you and Clover are working together so well. I can’t claim to know what either of you have to deal with, but I had hoped that you could balance each other.”
“Yea.” Qrow coughed lightly to try to fix the crack in his voice in one syllable. “He’s been pr-pretty great.”
James gave him a concerned look when he stuttered, his voice cracking again at the end. He winced, rubbing at his throat and trying to think of how to answer the coming question.
“Are you alright?”
“Throat’s sore is all.” The answer was strained and he knew it, he just had to hope that James didn’t prod for more than that though he knew he was about to be looked over by a doctor. Man worried too much but Qrow wasn’t sure how to explain that it was getting harder to talk and he wasn’t quite sure why. As much as he hated it, going to a doctor may not be a bad thing to do. The months of insomnia were taking a toll on him and he knew it was going to start showing more than he’d like if he didn’t do anything about it. He didn’t think his vocal issues were part of it though.
“I’ll schedule an appointment with the doctor. We can’t afford for any of us to fall ill. Amity is still in progress and we can’t fall behind.”
“Yea, yea.” He tried to keep his voice steady, cringing as it broke on him again. “Just let me know when.”
“Of course.”
~*~
Qrow leaned his elbows on his knees, mind whirling with the implications of what Clover had said. “Not all it’s cracked up to be. Why am I not surprised.”
Qrow couldn’t even remember the careless, off the cuff remark he’d made while sparing that had prompted Clover’s reply. Something about luck, obviously, but he was used to making throw away marks about luck because of his own semblance. Most of them were aimed at himself anyway, though most people never knew it. Clover was one of the few that would know though.
Clover slumped back against the wall beside him, the breath leaving him in one long sigh. Qrow understood the weariness that he carried and allowed him a moment to gather his mind. “It’s really not and while some people might catch that, you’re the only one that can really understand. You’re the only one I can really talk to about semblances and know that you’re going to hear everything I’m saying and everything I’m not.”
The tightness in Qrow’s throat spiked, the weight feeling heavier with Clover’s trust joining James’s. Qrow cleared his throat, forcing the words out and hoping that Clover didn’t question the added rasp to his tone. “Yea. I will.” Qrow sighed, running his hands over his face. “Come o-” Qrow coughed to free his voice when the words stuck. “Come on, let’s get out of here. We’ve done enough training for today.”
Qrow hefted Clover up onto his feet to lead him out of the training room and hoping that Clover didn’t bring up the way his voice wavered. The doctor’s visit had yielded him no answers for why his voice continued to give him problems, though it had landed him a dietary plan for being malnourished and medications to help him sleep. He didn’t take them every night but he did resort to them when the nights were particularly restless. He hated the weighted, helpless feeling he got from being drugged to sleep but he needed it in order to keep functioning. It was hell but then most of his life had been. It was unfortunate that Clover’s likely had been as well in his own way.
~*~
Qrow crawled out of bed with the same heavy feeling he’d crawled into it with. Every movement as he went through his morning routine felt harder than before, his feet practically dragging as he made his way to the briefing room. He dropped into the chair near the back, slumping tiredly while he hoped that no one would bother with him. He just wanted to not exist for a while but he knew that locking himself away and ignoring the world wasn’t an option. It was almost a relief to drop to the floor of the truck with Clover. The captain must have sensed things being off with him because he didn’t try to deal a game to pass the time or draw him into conversation. Instead he tossed a blanket at him and pulled out his scroll. Qrow couldn’t make out what he was doing on it but it didn’t matter. What mattered was that he was allowed to curl up on the floor of the truck and doze lightly, unable to sleep properly out in the open but still enough to rest.
He stirred when it came time to unload but Clover placed a hand on his shoulder briefly to keep him from getting up and he didn’t have the energy to fight with him. The thought crossed his mind that he must look bad indeed for Clover to be so insistent on him resting. He wondered if this was going to result in another doctor’s appointment. It most likely would when James heard about it. And he had no doubts that Clover would tell James because Clover told James things. Which wasn’t a fair thought but it was still bouncing around in his head.
The ride back was just as uneventful, though there was a chill seeping into him that had nothing to do with the tundra.
It was an internal battle to open his eyes and get up when they returned back to the transport for Atlas. Clover gave him a kind smile, far too caring, and placed a hand on his shoulder to guide him into the airship. “Come on. We’ll gather the reports and do the paperwork at my place. That way we won’t need to relocate again when we’re done with work for the day.”
Qrow offered a grateful smile and opened his mouth but frowned. Clover felt him freeze, stopping with him and turning to see what was going on. Qrow stared back at him with wide eyes, swallowing hard as he opened his mouth again. A pale hand lifted when nothing came out, long fingers curling as panic began to build in him.
“Qrow?” Clover moved to stand in front of Qrow, brow furrowed in concern when he shook his head. Teal eyes took in the way Qrow was gripping his own throat, the slight tremble in his limbs and realization clicked. “You can’t talk.”
Qrow shook his head again, closing his eyes and breathing deeply to quell the panic. It wasn’t going to help. It wasn’t going to fix anything. He needed to stay calm and get his head clear so he could try to figure out what could be done. When his eyes opened again, Clover started gently nudging him into motion, guiding him towards the medical wing. Qrow could see in his peripheral, Clover’s scroll in his hand, presumably messaging James about what was going on. He was carted off to a room as soon as they set foot into the ward and he knew it was because James had messaged whoever was in charge down here.
Qrow resisted the urge to curl up on the medi-bed he was set on, holding still except when instructed while the doctors and nurses scurried about to do their tests. His eyes burned and the tightness in his throat was worse than ever. He hoped they had answers, he hoped they could give him back his voice, because he didn’t know what he was going to do without it. He may not talk as much as most people but he still talked and he needed his voice to call out warnings in fights. He just needed it. His rings dug into his fingers from how tightly he was gripping the edge of the bed but he hardly noticed, too preoccupied with what else was going on in the room. The flurry of activity wasn’t settling down and he wasn’t sure yet if that was good or bad. He really, really hoped it was a good thing.
~*~
James frowned down at the sleeping form, shifting a step forward to tug the blanket up a little farther on his shoulders. Clover had already been dismissed back to his home to rest once James had entered the room. Qrow was scowling in his sleep. Unsurprising to anyone who knew him well enough. James was one of the ones close enough to know that being sedated in public was deeply unsettling to the spy. He pulled back his hand before he gave into the temptation to bush the tips of his fingers against the skin of Qrow’s neck. Drugged or not, Qrow slept light and he didn’t want to risk disturbing him too much. A touch, no matter how light, on such a vulnerable part of his body, would undoubtedly raise his attention and cause him to struggle awake.
Deep blue eyes traced over the unmaked skin, wondering again why Qrow had lost his voice. The doctors had run every test they could think of and had no answers at all to give them. All they could say was that the cause was likely psychosomatic which raised more questions than it answered.
How had Qrow cut off his own voice without knowing it? What had caused him to do it? Why had it happened? Was there any way to get his voice back?
James turned and quietly left the room before his presence became enough to wake Qrow, the pale slender fingers already twitching, shutting the door as silently as the sliding controls would allow. He was going to have to do some research on what may have caused Qrow’s condition. Until they could work out another system for Qrow to communicate, he was going to have to be pulled from mission duty. Afterwards, he was going to have to have a talk with his nieces to notify them of his status. Maybe they would have some ideas as to what had happened to cause this.