Work Text:
It was more than a surprise for Nathan to see Hanyu standing outside of his room, wearing that cute panda hat. Nathan checked the watch on his wrist, it’s past midnight already.
The panda hat is really cute, and secretly, Nathan has been wanting it for the whole time. Obviously it would look a bit awkward on him, but that didn’t stop him from looking at it, especially those two furry balls that hang down from the hat, currently resting on Hanyu’s shoulder. They must feel nice, Nathan thought, but he didn’t say that, instead he asked Hanyu, “are you lost?”
“Lost?” Hanyu’s eyebrows gently twitched up, then pinched together, which Nathan recognized as something he does only when he’s not impressed. “Isn’t this your room, Nathan San?” Hanyu asked again.
“Oh, right…” Nathan scratched his head. “So you really are looking for me?”
Hanyu literally jumped into Nathan’s room, in a fluid motion, and skillfully not to use his injured ankle. “I thought you wanted to see me, now, before you say any excuses.” Hanyu clearly practiced the lines before coming. “You have been looking at me the whole time during today’s practice, don’t you want to see me now?” He said in perfect English, then walked a few steps into the room, casually sitting down on the couch and resting his leg on a side table.
“I…” Who doesn’t look at you when you are on the ice, Nathan thought, after all, that’s Yuzuru fucking Hanyu for god’s sake. However he still didn’t say that out loud, he simply commented, “that’s an interesting hat of yours.” Hanyu lifts up his chin, looking right into Nathan’s eyes, the two furry balls beside his ears appear even more puffy and tempting now. “Can I touch it?” Nathan doesn’t know why but somehow words just come out.
Hanyu smiled genuinely, nodding, “sure.”
Nathan carefully reached out, the fur ball felt soft and puffy, he can’t help but squeezed a few times.
“Nathan San, when you say touch, I thought you would touch something else…” Hanyu spoke into his ear, his face suddenly got really close, and there was no time for Nathan to take his hand back. His hand is now in Hanyu’s hand, but he didn’t do anything else, just staring at Nathan, closely, so close that Hanyu’s warm breath brushed over his cheek.
“Yuzu,” Nathan felt his heart beating vigorously, as if he’s jumped a few quads, actually no, jumping quads would be easier at this point, more like after a really long and difficult freeskate program.
“Are you nervous? You look worse than after a long program.” Hanyu seems to know what’s going on with Nathan. “Do I scare you?”
Nathan immediately denied that. “No, you are not scary at all.”
Hanyu looked confused. “Then why do you look at me like you see a ghost?” He asked, “Nathan, you don’t make sense. You say so many nice things about me on the press, I think you like me a lot, for so many years. Then you act like this, I feel you don’t like me. Why? Aren’t Americans straightforward and outgoing?”
“There’s no way I don’t like you!” Nathan replied. Now that Hanyu is right in front of his face, that’s definitely too close for Nathan’s comfort, his whole face is burning; and he can’t think straight, his mind muffled. How should I answer him? Nathan thought, how should I put in a way that he would know I don’t dislike him, but at the same time not… that kind of like?
“Which kind of like?”
Nathan didn’t realize that he had said it out loud, and Hanyu obviously heard it.
“So Nathan San, you said don’t…hmm, dislike me, I heard it right? Then you do like me, I get your point.” Hanyu laughed, he seems to be satisfied with this idea. “It doesn’t matter which kind of like, I actually think you…you adore me. So if that’s the case, why don’t you just say it? Why do you have to tell the press? My English is not very good, and I don’t want to listen to translation all the time. Maybe they will miss something you say, you never know.”
“Say what?” Nathan’s first instinction was to laugh, it was actually quite funny to hear Hanyu try to speak long sentences in English. But Hanyu wasn’t laughing, Nathan soon realized, he is smiling, corner of the lip curved up to a small curve, but his eyes are ice-cold. Nathan knows this look too well, Hanyu has this look whenever he goes on ice, as if he is here to get something that has already belonged to him. Nathan knows every single look of Hanyu, every micro-expression, happiness, anger, and everything in between. Wait a second, his heart missed a beat when he think about it, did I ever pay this much attention to another individual? He’s been watching Hanyu since young age, so young that almost half of his life is watching him. He never misses anything about Hanyu, competition or not. He likes to be around him, and if for some reason Hanyu misses any competition that he’s in, Nathan feels no joy even if he’s winning. So in short, I do adore him, A LOT. Other people probably have said the same things but it’s the first time ever Nathan really give it a thought, especially when the person is right here, alone in a room with him.
Oh my god, Nathan thought, OH. MY. GOD. I AM SUCH AN IDIOT.
“Your face is funny,” but Hanyu was the one that changed the topic, “are you happy with the gold?”
“I…actually I…I didn’t think much of it.” Nathan stuttered, “maybe, maybe it hasn’t sunk in yet, the, the feeling, you know.”
“You didn’t think of me, or you didn’t think of the gold metal? If it’s the gold metal, I don’t believe a word.” Hanyu said. He playfully picked up the fur balls attached with the panda hat, and fluffed them against Nathan’s face, almost childishly, “doesn’t it feel good? Hey, I told you so many times already that I like you, like for the past days, but you don’t say it back.”
Nathan is lost for words. Men’s single event is one of the first events concluded in figure skating, and they have been on ice practicing for Gala in the past few days. Hanyu doesn’t interact with him much, most of the times he is focused on his own practice. He skated all his exhibition programs, as if a big burden has been lifted up and now he finally get to do whatever he wants. Occasionally, and only occasionally, he did glide pass Nathan and drop a few words such as “I like you”; or he would gesture a small heart towards where Nathan stands. Unlike those big “heart” gestures he does to the volunteers, Nathan noticed, it was not very noticeable, almost easy to miss. Oh and of course, they hugged during today’s practice, but Hanyu was also skating with other skaters, being lifted as if he’s a girl and very much enjoyed it. Nathan can’t be sure, he doesn’t know whether Hanyu actually meant it, or just being a proper, polite, friendly and down-to-earth Japanese.
Hanyu brought back his attention by poking the fur balls onto Nathan’s nosetip, “you haven’t answered my question, are you happy with the gold?”
“Of couse I am.” Nathan instantly replied.
Hanyu tilted his head a little, “but you don’t look that way. To be honest, I expected a little, more emotions of you. Like you should cry, and carry your metal everywhere, sleep on the same bed with it. It deserves more, you know.”
“You talk about it as if it’s your girlfriend.” Nathan said. “It’s in my luggage with the case, I can show it to you, if you would like to see, that is.”
“No no no,” Hanyu take the collar of Nathan’s shirt so he can be even closer. “Although I never had a girlfriend, well, a relationship, but I do know the difference between winning and dating.” Nathan noticed that he didn’t go with “girlfriend”, instead he used the word “relationship”.
“Maybe winning is indeed more important to you than dating.” Nathan muttered under his breath. Hanyu’s hand is now on the back of his neck, this simple gesture has already given him goosebumps and chills to the skin underneath the t-shirt, he tried to pull away a bit, but was not successful. Hanyu got a hold on his head and he couldn’t move.
“Could you please not move too much?” Hanyu asked politely, “I don’t want to accidentally bump my leg, that’s no good.”
Nathan immediately stayed still. Hanyu felt his muscle tensed up under this hand, he pressed a kiss on Nathan’s cheek, “I usually kiss my gold metals, do you think it will kiss back?”
Is he asking me to… kiss him? At this point Nathan has given up on his thought, his heartbeat is so erratic, that if he were to skate right now, he wouldn’t be able to pull of any jumps, or anything really. “Karen twisted her ankle too, do you need some meds? I can go ask her for some.”
Hanyu clearly was not pleased with him, “metal does not talk nonsense either.” He swiftly bit on Nathan’s lip, “you need to stay focused.” It’s a common phrase that figure skaters hear all the time from their coaches, but it seems fit to say that to Nathan at this moment.
“So what exactly are we talking about here?” Nathan is really confused by Hanyu. He showed up at his door, they have since talked about the gold metal, the relationship, oh right, the conversation was initially on the furry balls of the panda hat?
“Hmm, ok…” Hanyu sighed deeply, “let me make this simple, Nathan. Olympic is ending, so can we fuck now?”
Nathan is shocked, again lost for words, “can’t you at least use another word?”
“Ah, I told you my English is not great, you know what I mean.” Hanyu seems a bit bothered by this little fact, “a lot of stuff I can’t say in English, so I have to find another way to show you.”
“So this, this is the way you are going with? Don’t you think it’s a bit… odd?” Nathan is still desperately trying. Hanyu’s hands are on him, they are light like feathers, but some part down there in Nathan is getting really hard. “Why…why me?”
“Why are you asking?” Hanyu stopped for a second, puzzled. “Shouldn’t you like me?”
Nathan has never met anyone else who is able to ask this question in such a way that it sounds completely rhetorical, and not surprisingly, Nathan felt that’s they way it should be.
Hanyu pressed on him again, “Nathan, you need to act happier. Winning is the best thing, I know it, I have done it twice, and really wanted to do it again…”
“Instead I won,” Nathan closed his eyes and murmured, “Yuzu, sometimes I feel like I was born at a wrong time. If I were your fans, I would be thrilled to see you complete a threepeat.” But he has to be Nathan Chen, the one who took his gold. Then he thought, if he hadn’t been the one, hadn’t been born in this era, there would be no way he would have shared the same ice with Hanyu, and there would be no chance that Hanyu even layed his eyes on him.
“You are not talking, so I will go ahead and think you like to make love with me.” Hanyu said. “See, I do know other words, my English can be good.”
Nathan can’t help but chuckle. Hanyu puts on a serious face and is flirting with him, it feels amazingly hot. “Ok then,” he cupped Hanyu’s face and kissed him back, “let’s do it.”
“Now you sound like you are cheering for your team.” Hanyu commented, “who said you never had girls before? I think he’s right.”
“I’m not like you, Yuzu Senpai,” Nathan tried to use some of his Japanese too, “I am not very popular, a lot of times I’m kinda out of place actually.”
“Our of place?” Hanyu repeated in the short breaks of their kissing, “but you are number one, first place.”
Nathan doesn’t know if Hanyu is playing dumb or not, regardless he patiently explained to him, “it’s a saying, it means strange, like I don’t belong here or something.”
“Which you are not,” Hanyu opened up his zips, “you are popular. I remember Sasha hugged you.”
“Alright then,” Nathan decided not to argue with Hanyu. Tonight, he decided, tonight he will take all the complements from Hanyu, he allows himself to do so. I deserve it, he thought, I earned this.
Hanyu didn’t stay for the night, and Nathan didn’t ask how he’s going to go back to the hotel. Instead he asked Hanyu to wait for a bit, while he went to knock on Karen’s door and asked her for a bottle of generic pain relief spay. He took the bottle back to the room, kneeled beside Hanyu and applied the spray on his ankle. Hanyu can see a light kissing mark lying on Nathan’s chinline, his slightly curly hair messier than usual.
“Did Karen say anthing?” Hanyu asked.
“No, she didn’t even ask.” Nathan didn’t look up, finger lightly held onto Hanyu’s ankle, all Hanyu could see from this angle is his hair. “But I think she figured it out already.”
“If she knows, are you okay with that?”
Nathan nodded. “Yes, Karen would support me, she would.”
Hanyu thought of the scene where Karen and Nathan sitting back to back, leaning into each other and sharing a pair of earbuds, “You are close to her?” He tried to move the ankle a little, this time Nathan stopped him by holding his foot. As if he felt Hanyu’s concern, Nathan finally looked up for a moment to look at Hanyu, but lowered his head again soon after. Hanyu had to really lean forward to see Nathan’s smile hiding underneath.
“No,” Nathan answered, “not as close as we are right now anyways.” He sat on the floor, waiting for the spray to dry, playing with the bottle in his hands. “I don’t know how much you can understand, but where I grew up, not a lot of guys like me were into figure skating.” He stretched out his legs, spreading them on the floor, “sometimes I would envy my older brothers, especially when they were fully geared up for a hockey session, they looked so badass.” He glanced over to Hanyu and smiled, “but then I was short, so can’t really play hockey, I did try. We were all pretty small, there’s not a single hockey player in my family.”
“Maybe I could,” Hanyu said quietly, “I mean, I am taller than you afterall.”
“Maybe for the Japanese team then, the bar is not that high.” Nathan joked. Hanyu didn’t banter back, instead he threw a pillow at him.
After Hanyu left, Nathan tried to look out the window and hoped to watch his back. He soon found out that orientation of the room was opposite of the exit, there was no way he can see Hanyu from here. What the hell just happened, Nathan leaned on the window, staring into the night of Beijing. They didn’t really do it all the way per say, can’t even call themselves “friends with benefit” if Nathan has a say about it, at least not by the American definition. How Japanese define it is not something Nathan want to dwell on. He doesn’t really want to look into Hanyu’s thoughts, as if it’s too much of a human thing for Hanyu, he should be that shining, charismatic person in the centre of the attention, and Nathan likes to watch him from a far far away distance, simply appreciates him. Hanyu could have done that in a whim, Nathan shrugged it off, who knows.
Only if he could, that is. Nathan can’t ignore how that little spark of anticipation lighted up within his heart, so what if it means something? Afterall, Hanyu did take the initiative and came to knock on his door, right? This makes him feel very “un-American”, his Chinese parents would repeatedly lecture him on this matter, how he should never be “irresponsible” when it comes with the girls. Neither Hanyu nor I is a girl, Nathan thought, so how does that work, are we supposed to be responsible for each other? The thought of being “responsbile” to Hanyu made him cringe somehow. Hanyu is different, he told himself, it’s just an incident, don’t read too much into it, in fact, I’m probably better off just forget about it.
Can I really pretend nothing happened though? Nathan sighed. He thought of what his therapist said, how he needed to face himself, be honest with himself, accept his raw emotions. Does that count as lying to myself? He wondered.
For the longest time Nathan didn’t believe he was likable. A common question he got asked when he was growing up was “why do you do figure skating?”, and there were not many Chinese-American kids on the ice rinks of Salt Lake City either. Kids there were mostly local, they checked him out in a curious way, and would ask him why he doesn’t skate for China.
“But I’m American!” Nathan would answer in flute English. He was only allowed to speak English at home, his parents were proud of a son who can speak English without local accent, as if it’s some sort of reward and proof for an excellence in parenting.
“But you look like a Chinese,” kids would say to Nathan, making faces, “you even have those weird words in your name, you are a Chinese for sure.”
It was no more than a harmless joke between kids, and Nathan never thought one day it might actually turn into a reality if he wanted. He could have made a choice. At the time there have been a few more skaters in the national team that share the same heritage as him: they would speak Mandarin amongst themselves; see how is capable of writing out each other’s Chinese names; having mini-competitions on memorizing the Chinese multiplying table (which is extremely helpful when it comes to computation). Nathan still gets made fun of, but in a much more friendly way that he in fact enjoys. His mandarin is the worst, plus he’s got the hardest Chinese name to write. Karen always say that’s the only thing she’s better at than him. And they would talk, talk about the offer that was given to all of them at some point of their skating careers.
“I never really truly considered it, to be honest.” One day Nathan asked and Karen told him, “I don’t know other people’s thought process, but I mean, we are Americans, aren’t we? Wouldn’t that be weird?”
“Sometimes people here say the same thing to us,” Nathan replied in English, “if not for the flag beside our names during competitions, people could be confused, and reasonably so.”
Karen gave him a look and didn’t say anything. She knows, Nathan thought, she just doesn’t want to talk more about it.
There used to be a small fire of anger burning in Nathan’s heart. He wanted to be free, be free of all the stereotypes that were putting onto him, because of his identity, because of what he does, but a lot of times he found himself walking down that path nonetheless. His parents wanted him to be a true American, but unintentionally would expect him to have some sort of traditional “Chinese qualities”. He’s sandwiched between multiple worlds, with so many conflicting things going on. He gives out generous appaises to everyone else, but doesn’t want to hear “good job” from his coach; he wanted to show everyone that figure skating is not what they think it was, but somehow words came out carrying completely different meanings.
Then there’s Hanyu. Hanyu is self-consistent, Nathan realized that the first time he watched Hanyu skating on the ice, every single part of Hanyu falls into places where they should be, he is a perfectly harmonized complex. There’s no conflict in Hanyu, everything is balanced out, nationality, gender, those things don’t matter anymore. Nathan found himself in peace when watching Hanyu. There’s the figure skating that I wanted, he thought, that’s how things should be done. The fire within him is still raging, this time it’s not from anger, but with passion and love.
They met again the second day during the official Gala. Hanyu was in a beautiful costume, skated to one of his classic programs on the ice, captured all the awes from the audience. Nathan skated to Caravan, red spotlights shone through the ice, his parents liked this colour, and in all the Chinese New Years Nathan could remember, the home would be decorated in all kinds of red. He liked it. Most of the Gala he would blend in with other skaters, except for that backflip maybe, and the time he skated out to pick up the glowing goggles for the pair skaters. The rest of the time he stayed with the crowd, just enjoying and laughing. Hanyu was in the centre playing with the mascot, hugging him and everything.
“Why don’t you go too?”Sasha skated to his side, waving her arms while asking him, “you are the champion.”
“That’s fine,” Nathan smiled and said her, “they like to watch him.”
Sasha didn’t quite understand, but she smiled back to him and quickly skated away. Nathan followed her to join the finale. Hanyu stood beside him when taking pictures, his hand went pass the person standing inbetween and reached out to him, resting on his upper arm. He was sweaty from all the skating, the warmth sipping through the layers of fabrics, until it stayed on Nathan’s skin.
The olympic is over, Nathan realized. He’s the first man with Chinese heritage that won a gold on this event, but this country is utterly quiet about it. Maybe the same would go for him and Hanyu too, he thought, that little secret they have shared, like many other things, would get buried and eventually be forgoten. Hanyu will always be Hanyu, a fixed star shines on top of the ice, like all the other legends in figure skating. People will talk about Hanyu for many years to go, and Nathan Chen would just be a guy that used to compete with him.
Hanyu turned around and stopped in front of Nathan, he didn’t skate away this time. Nathan smiled, then put his hands together on his face, whispered, “Yuzu, can we hug?”
“Sure.” Hanyu hugged him tightly. Nathan counted the beats in the music, making sure he would let him go at a reasonable time. He did. Hanyu’s fingertips are still lingering on Nathan’s back, reluctantly doesn’t want to go, finally he floated away, like a leaf carried by the wind.
In the mixed media zone, Nathan was asked about the future plan. He said he would go back to Yale for studying, but nothing else was certain. After the interview he found a lone corner, tried to make sense of everhtying. Do I want to retire? He asked himself. Such greatness and exhaustion, both physically and mentally. But Hanyu is still going, he doesn’t want to wrap it up before him. If I retired, would I be able to see him again? Even if I do, who would I be? Nathan doesn’t want to be an ordinary acquaintance in Hanyu’s life, he never wanted to. However it’s an equally difficult question on what role he would like to play in Hanyu’s life. He was so deep in his thought, he didn’t even notice that there appeared to be another person present.
“Nathan,” Hanyu was still wearing the costume underneath the team uniform, the crystals on his costume were reflecting the lights, blinking. “Are you waiting for me?”
“No I wasn’t! I was just…” Nathan was caught offguard. The corner he stayed at was indeed very close to where Team Japan was standing, and there’s really no valid excuse that he can make of. He can only pretend to be looking for earphones in the pocket.
Hanyu seemed quite amused by Nathan’s terrible and clumsy coverup acts, he watched for a bit, then walked over to him, “do you wanna hug more?” he asked. Without the skates it’s even more obvious that Hanyu is taller, which meant he can now easily pull Nathan into his arms. Hanyu wrapped his arms around Nathan’s shoulders, “it’s okay,” he whispered softly, “we can hug. Men can hug too, it’s not a big deal.”
Nathan relaxed in Hanyu’s hug, “should we keep going?” he deliberately asked in an ambiguous way, “you and me, should we keep doing this?”
“Not yet,” Hanyu answered in a similar way, “it’s not time for us to stop yet.”
***
Epilogue
Hanyu didn’t attend the closing ceremony, but it was literally shown on every single screen that he can find in the hotel, so once in a while he would stop what he’s doing and checked it out. Maybe I can see Nathan on camera, he thought. He waited for a long while, finally realized that it was not very likely for Nathan to appear on the screen. I guess Nathan was not wrong, Hanyu thought, he did seem a little out of place in this country.
Next morning Nathan was on the way to the airport. He was listening to music in his earphone. There was a piece of music that sounded extremely familiar, which he couldn’t recall the name of. Karen downloaded the whole song for him, as well as the lyrics with English translation. “It’s a famous song about the farewells, though I don’t really understand it word for word. All I can say is that it’s beautiful and sad, for someone you may not be able to see again.” Nathan closed his eyes, almost fell asleep to the music. He didn’t try to look out the bus window again to look for the zoo that he visited when he was 11, probably one of the very few memory he still held for this land from that trip. It was familiar yet so so strange, people looked at him curiously, the same way that those kids looked at him in the ice rink when he was little.
He checked his laptop one last time before boarding, to his surprise, there’s a notice for receiving a new email. Hanyu doesn’t carry any cellphones around, so he sent Nathan an email.
Dear Nathan，he wrote，You always have a place in me. See you later.
END