Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chan’s relationship with Minho started fairly roughly. Minho was the last person Chan had chosen to join Stray Kids and the first person eliminated. Chan wished he had done more for him, wished he had been able to be there to help him. He only had two months of actual training before Chan asked him to join them, despite being a backup dancer for the world largest kpop group beforehand. Chan bitterly remembers the night when Minho had been eliminated. The tears that clung to everyones’ eyes, no matter how hard they tried to stop them. Minho was always so adamant about not breaking in front of the younger members and even when he was told he couldn’t debut with them, he kept that brave face.

Chan admires Minho more than he’d ever let on. Admires the way the second youngest managed to look at every situation with determined eyes and a strong heart. Chan is more than well aware of the compilations of him staring at Minho like he hung the stars because, in a way, he had. He always made sure the younger members ate, that they slept, making sure they stretched before and after practices no matter how much they might whine. But he also made sure Chan was taking care of himself. Late nights where he’d usually be in his studio till the sun rose were cut short by a stubborn Minho dragging him back to the dorm and forcing him to eat some of the leftovers from dinner before pulling him into bed, cuddling him until they both drifted off to sleep. Many might think that Chan was the rock of Stray Kids, but if you were to ask him, he’d say it was Minho. 

Their affection was usually silent. Neither of them needed to talk in order for the other to understand what they were trying to say. Late nights were usually the only time they were able to really appreciate each other. Minho’s soft, gentle hands that softly traced patterns on Chan’s side as they watched some lame drama that neither of them are really paying attention to as quiet giggles floated through the room. They allowed themselves to be vulnerable with each other in these moments, dropping the titles of eldests and just existing with each other. 

Chan has mapped out Minho’s face perfectly. He knows every curve, every line, every bump. If he could, Chan thinks that he would spend the rest of his life looking at Minho’s face. 

He remembers the first time Minho kissed him too. It was late at night, not too long after their debut. Minho had tugged Chan into his bunk, drawing the curtain shut after, and pulling him onto his chest. They had laid there for god knows how long and just soaked in the presence of each other. They were young and stupid, at least that’s what they would claim if anyone had found out. Chan had pushed himself up onto his elbows so he could look Minho in the eyes as he cracked a joke about something Jeongin had done earlier during practice when Minho had reached up to gently cup his face. All words left Chan’s mind when he saw how Minho was looking at him, eyes full of affection and something Chan still can’t identify. He had given Chan a chance to pull away, but when the older didn’t move, he had slowly pressed their lips together. It was slow and sweet, lasting mere seconds before they were pulling away with stupid grins. 

Thus began their little ritual. When one of them, usually Chan, got too stressed the other would force them to cuddle, peppering kisses against their lips while reminding them how much they did for the group. It was so grossly domestic that they both knew the other members would never stop teasing them if they found out. Neither of them ever said anything about this either, it was far too special to the two of them for anyone else’s eyes. It was a private moment between them. They knew the members had speculated that something was going on between them, but they brushed it off whenever asked. 

Kisses between them would never last very long. They were short and comforting. Always shared in the dark while everyone else was asleep and always followed by hushed laughter. Chan decided that the best way to describe Minho’s lips was delicate. He felt that if he pressed too hard on them, they’d break apart under him. Logically, he knows Minho can handle more, but that isn’t what either of them want when they kiss. Chan loved the way Minho’s skin felt under his fingertips as they lazily exchanged kisses. It was a sweet reminder that he had someone to lean on when he needed to, he had someone to be vulnerable around when things go too much. He didn’t have to hold his head up high in these moments.

They never put a label on what they were because they didn’t see a reason to. What they had was just for the two of them and that’s all that mattered. They weren’t lovers, but they weren’t just friends either. On camera they played the roles of group mom and dad and behind the scenes they were partners. The term ‘partners’ was something that neither of them had talked about using before. It had just slipped out of Minho’s mouth when Seungmin asked where he and Chan were going. Chan didn’t mind it and Minho seemed to like calling him that, so they continued using it off camera despite the teasing remarks they got from the others. It was enough for them and they didn’t plan on sharing all of what they had with anyone for a long time.

Chapter Text

Chan would describe his relationship with Changbin as slightly too close to be entirely platonic. He really doesn’t know how else to explain it. They’re close, closer than a lot of the other members. They spend most of their time together whether it be at the gym or in the studio, they were always together. Chan should have known something would have happened. Changbin, while he never fully showed it, had too much love to give. He was always doting on the younger members and letting them curl up against him whenever they wanted. Chan thought it was the cutest thing how Changbin would act like it was a hassle to look after them, but Chan watched as his eyes softened when he thought no one was looking.

It had been another late night at the studio when Changbin had noticed that Jisung was fast asleep on the little couch they had. He pulled his sweatshirt off and carefully placed it over the youngest, doing his best not to wake him. When he was satisfied with the position, he had nearly jumped out of his skin when he noticed Chan watching him intently.

“It’s cute,” Chan finally says, a smile growing on his face.

“What is?” Changbin tries to calm his racing heart.

The smile on Chan’s face only goes wider, “The way you care about them so much. Thank you for that.”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Changbin says while trying to calm the quickly spreading flush that overtakes his cheeks, “You worry about them enough, I’m just happy they let me. Besides, I’d do the same to you if you’d let me.”

The comment made any teasing joke he’d had on his lips die instantly, “Really?”

“Yeah? I just wasn’t sure how you’d take it so I never did it,” Changbin shrugs, trying to act as collected as possible while Chan stares at hole into the side of his head.

Chan reached over and gently grabbed Changbin’s jaw, turning his head so they could look each other in the eyes. 

“Hyung…?” Changbin whispers as if he was in a trance.

“You know I’d let you in a heartbeat, right?” Chan says back just as softly, “You don’t need permission.”

Chan could feel his heart thrumming in his chest. He was almost worried Changbin would push him away and try to act like Chan wasn’t offering much more than a leader or friend should be, but it never happens. Changbin reaches up and grabs Chan's face before pulling him into a kiss. It’s not sensual, but it is desperate. As if there were years of unspoken words that were flooding out at this exact moment. Chan hadn’t even noticed he’d stood up, slightly pressing Changbin into his seat, until they’d pulled apart to breathe. 

They stare at each other for a second, trying to work out if they should talk about anything that had just happened. One glance from Changbin to Chan’s lips has him pulling the younger back in. He can feel how Changbin’s hands slide to hold the back of his neck, pulling him closer. 

It was quick, but it wasn’t messy. Chan could feel their desperation slowly wear out before they’re just exchanging quick pecks. After a while, Chan pulls away entirely to look Changbin in the eyes. Changbin’s eyes are soft, pupils slightly blown, but full of affection. For a moment beforehand, Chan was concerned he’d see regret when he looked at Changbin, but he internally breathes a sigh of relief when he can’t find even a hint of it. 

They sit there for a while, just staring at each other. There was nothing to say honestly. They were both comfortable enough with each other that this wouldn’t affect their relationship either way, so why worry about talking about it so soon? Chan just wanted to bask in Changbin’s presence. To revel in the way Changbin looked at him.

They’re broken out of their trance by Jisung, who shifts in his sleep causing the two of them to break apart. They go deadly silent, holding their breath as they watch Jisung turn his back to them and settle once more. A sigh of relief passes through them before they glance at each other and break into silent laughter.

“You don’t need to ask to take care of me,” Chan finally says, “If it makes you happy, then I suppose I can start listening more often when you worry.”

“God, all it took was me kissing you to finally get you to listen?” Changbin teases him.

“Maybe you should have done it sooner then,” Chan quips right back.

Changbin reaches over and kisses him once more, “Maybe I should have, but now I can kiss you whenever.”

“I’m certainly not complaining.” Chan grins.

Chapter Text

Chan’s relationship with Hyunjin has always been rocky. Not always in a bad way, just complicated. He saw how Hyunjin interacted with the others and how he never did the same with Chan. Like he was almost scared to be as touchy with their leader. It wasn’t as if Hyunjin was scared of Chan because he wasn’t, Chan had triple checked out of worry. It was just something Hyunjin did.

Eventually, it stopped bothering Chan as much. If Hyunjin wasn’t comfortable with it, then that was okay. He wouldn’t force skinship onto him. However, it did create an awkward sort of tension when the two of them did touch. Neither knew how the other liked skinship or where to put their hands so it ended up weirder than before. Having to do things for fanservice always left the two of them in a weird haze for hours after filming ended.

“Why is it that you don’t seem to cuddle me as much as the others?” Chan asks out of the blue while helping Hyunjin write a song. 

Hyunjin seems to startle at this, “What? Why are you asking about this now?”

“I’m just curious,” Chan says.

“I just…” Hyunjin takes a deep breath before turning to look Chan in the eyes, “Back on the survival show, before we debuted… I always thought you were so cool. The way you took charge but not in a way that we felt like we didn’t have a say in anything. I admired everything about you and I still do. I guess it’s just hard for me to realize that we’re still together, on the same team, and that I can be touchy with you.”

It wasn’t the answer Chan was expecting but he feels himself melt when he hears it. Warmth spreads through his chest as he watches Hyunjin get flustered and turn his head away.

“I know it sounds stupid-” Hyunjin starts.

He’s cut off by Chan grabbing his hands, “Nono! It’s not stupid at all! I just didn’t realize you thought that way about me.”

“It’s hard not to,” Hyunjin says, turning to fiddle with Chan’s hands, “We all admire you more than you think. You’re the one who gave us a chance to follow our dreams and you believed in us every step of the way. We all saw how you ran yourself ragged during the show to make sure we were all understanding the choreo, lyrics, or whatever.”

Chan doesn’t answer. He thought he had hid himself better back then, but apparently he wasn’t as careful as he thought.

“Hyung?” Hyunjin squeezes his hands slightly, “You know I love you right?”

The words fall off of his lips so easily despite it being the first time Hyunjin’s ever said it to him. He knew that Hyunjin loved him, of course he did. So why did he feel so emotional all of a sudden?

“I know I’m not the best at showing or telling you, but I do.” Hyunjin says softly.

Hyunjin pulls one of his hands away to gently pull Chan’s face up, inhaling sharply at the tears that glisten in the elder’s eyes. 

“It’s a good cry,” Chan is quick to reassure the younger, “Don’t worry…”

“That makes me worry even more, hyung…” Hyunjin whispers.

Chan shakes his head, “I know you love me, I promise. It’s just different when you say it out loud… it makes it more real in my head.”

“I’ll be here to constantly remind you of it then,” Hyunjin says, wiping the tears away from Chan’s face.

Everyone else notices the change in their behavior after that. The way Hyunjin is more accepting of Chan’s never ending affection and the way Hyunjin seeks out Chan more when he has an issue instead of Changbin or Minho. Chan would never admit it out loud, but he was glad Hyunjin was more comfortable coming to him with problems, even if they were small things like lyrics or even opening a bottle. It made him feel like he was able to do something for him. 

It was late at night and Chan had found Hyunjin on the floor of the kitchen. They were sitting shoulder to shoulder, legs outstretched, not saying a word.

“Do you ever think that maybe you aren’t as cut out to be an idol as you thought?” Hyunjin whispers.

Chan hums softly, “I used to. Back when I was a trainee, I’d always wondered if the reason I wasn’t debuting was because everyone saw something that I couldn’t. It’s gotten better now that you all are next to me.”

Hyunjin pulls his knees up to his chest.

“What’s wrong?” Chan asks.

He feels Hyunjin shrug, “I just feel like everyone else is so much better at being an idol than I am.”

“There isn’t a right way to be an idol, Jinnie. It’s something that is constantly changing with how the industry is changing. No one will ever be a better idol than someone else.” He says.

Silence falls over them again. Except this time, it’s not as heavy. Hyunjin feels like he can breathe again. He leans his head against Chan’s shoulder, trying to ignore the way his heart skips.

They sit there, breathing each other’s company in.

It’s nice. Something that Hyunjin rarely gets to do with the leader and something he’ll burn into his memories.

He can feel that Chan wants to move after a few minutes so he raises his head and looks at Chan’s face. The elder is wearing that soft smile that Hyunjin has seen so many times before and reveled in the feeling that it gave him when it was directed towards him. 

He can’t help himself when he slowly leans in, closer to Chan. 

Part of him expects Chan to gently guide him away, but it never happens. 

Instead, Chan meets him in the middle.

It’s so violently gentle that it makes Hyunjin’s head spin. Chan’s hand reaches up to cup his jaw and he can’t help but feel treasured by how Chan is handling him. 

Chan is holding him like he’s building him back together. 

“Let's go to bed, yeah?” Chan whispers when they separate.

Hyunjin allows himself to be pulled into Chan’s room and under the covers. He allows himself the chance to stare at his hyung. Chan’s face is bathed in the soft purple and blue light of his LEDs.

Chan laughs when he notices Hyunjin’s stare, “What, do I have something on my face?”

“Thank you,” Is all Hyunjin replies with.