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Another night of unrestful sleep.
At this point it had become a bad habit, to be honest, it was actually starting to piss her off.
Staying under the covers, Shepard looked up through the blue swirls of the overhead viewport. The black carpet with millions of bright stars was shining just beyond. Normally the view would have been spectacular, however she was no longer that street kid who wished for the stars. Now that she was living among them, even visited a few, most of them had left a bad taste in her mouth. Being spaced and dying, like a shooting star that was burning out herself, didn’t help.
Huffing she turned on her side to face the bedside table instead, letting out a frustrated sigh when she spotted the time, it was reading 0117.
Well, so much for getting a good night's rest.
She had gone to bed early hoping to catch up on her sleep, with everything that was going on lately it was starting to mess with her head. When she finally managed to fall into what resembled some kind of sleep, hauntings of the past had yet again invaded. Whispers of friends long gone and horns blaring in the distance had overwhelmed her mind.
In short it was never going to be restful, and it had left her more on edge.
Taking in a deep breath, she held it, then let it out through the nose. This wasn’t going to work, she wasn’t tired anymore. There was no point lying in bed waiting for something, well knowing that it was not going to happen.
Frustrated, Shepard tossed the covers away, swung her legs over the side of the bed and planted her feet on the floor. Scrubbing a hand over her face, she rubbed away what little sleep she had managed to get, then ran fingers through her hair removing the worst knots that were entangled there. She had considered getting her hair cut short again, however, as she had gotten used to having longer hair she had decided to keep it.
She scanned the room surveying her surroundings, everything was illuminated by the blue glow of the fish tank that was bubbling gently with it’s bright coloured fish which swam lazily inside.
Being crammed with people in places a lot smaller than this, Shepard hadn't gotten used to the fact that she was occupying such a big, empty place all by herself. When it got too cold to sleep outside curled up behind a dumpster, sleeping shoulder to shoulder was the only way to keep warm.
When she first tried her stupidly oversized bed, it was way too soft for her liking. The first month alone was spent sleeping on the floor, slowly giving the couch trial runs to get used to sleeping on something soft. It had taken the best of three months to finally be able to sleep in the bed, if barely.
It was still too fucking big.
Shepard cast her eyes on the pile of data pads that was stacked on the table, they were casting large shadows on the far wall, a stark reminder of how far behind on them she was. The mere thought about going through some of them, made her scrunch up her face. Even though she might be wide awake now, she was definitely not bored enough to start reading reports.
She was already well aware - having been in the thick of it more times than she even cared to remember - that this whole fucking war was a bleak and harrowing ordeal. Reading a bunch of reports all filled with pleas from desperate people asking for help she could not provide, or endless numbers of the dead and lost that she could do nothing about was certainly not going to help.
Not wanting to be both bored and depressed, well not more depressed than she already was, she decided against it.
Shepard got up and stretched, sending a cascade of clicking noises down her spine - again casting doubts about her physical age - went to the bathroom to relieve herself and brush her teeth. Despite her misgivings for her cabin, one of the things she did appreciate was her own private bathroom. Doing one’s business or trying to get a shower in public spaces on Earth never had you leaving the place actually feeling clean.
She put on sweatpants, a loose t-shirt, the N7 hoodie, but didn’t bother with socks and boots. She could allow herself to pad around barefoot on the Normandy as it was still late. The temperature was regulated and the floor had heating.
After contemplating for a brief moment running a comb through her unruly strands, she just as quickly dismissed it. It was in the middle of the night cycle - and her own damned ship - if people did not like bed hair, they could get an appointment with a boot out the airlock. When she could be bothered to actually put boots on.
When she reached the hall between the cabin and elevator, it was not on her floor. After palming the access panel, she crossed her arms over her chest and waited for it to reach its destination.
“EDI?”
“Yes, Commander?”
“Who else is awake at this ungodly hour?”
“Everyone, except for the night crew, is in their respective sleeping quarters Commander.” The AI’s voice echoed from the overhead speaker. “Excluding Cortez and James who have been in a heated debate most of the evening, now while ingesting copious amounts of alcohol in the Shuttle Bay, and Major Alenko appears to be working in Starboard Observation.”
“Appears to be working?”
“His heart rate and brain activity is consistent with being awake, he is surrounded by what appears to be an unspecified number of data pads. However, he has not read one for the past hour.”
Shepard wondered if she should go down to the Shuttle Bay to find out what this heated debate was about. If she was being honest with herself, she actually didn’t care. Most of the time arguments between James and Cortez were not important enough to garner her attention and when it was, well, it still wasn’t that important. Especially not if copious amounts of alcohol was involved.
She had lost count of how many complaints had come in from the higher ups regarding her lax attitude towards her crew. The best way to tell them to kindly fuck off, was results. Her crew had pulled off the impossible more than enough times now to show that they could do what was needed of them. If they needed to wind down once in a while, she was not going to deny them. They knew the severity of what was going on, what was at stake if they failed. They were dedicated to the cause, would give everything they had and fight to the very end.
The elevator arrived, she stepped in and, without a second thought, palmed the access panel for the Crew Deck.
Shepard smirked as she cast her thoughts to her own small stash of alcohol in her cabin for exactly those occasions. Well maybe she was kind of lax when it came to these things. The way she saw it; this was war and war is hell. As far as she was concerned, hell and alcohol go hand in hand, or maybe it helps you take a step closer to heaven. Blissful, intoxicated heaven.
No, she would let them drink and have their fun.
Kaidan on the other hand was alone and up to his neck in reports. If anyone on this ship knew what it was like to drown in reports, she would consider herself the expert. The fact it was because of her own making, maybe even a bit of laziness, she was still not quite willing to admit it to herself yet. Although she could come up with plenty of excuses.
She made it out of the elevator and stepped out in front of the memorial wall, only managing to make it halfway to Starboard Observation when her steps faltered, heart suddenly pounding in her chest.
Why was she hesitating? She had been so sure of her own plan a few minutes ago.
If Ashley had been here, she would have shoved Shepard towards that door, opened it, pushed her inside, then locked it behind her.
But Ash was not here.
A fact Shepard had to acknowledge everyday, a choice that was not made lightly.
Ash had been instrumental in helping Shepard realize that she needed Kaidan. A cool head to keep her in check. To steer her in the right direction when emotions blinded her to take a wrong step. Her Gunnery Chief had been as subtle as a charging Krogan, but she had been right of course. More than once Kaidan had been the voice of reason, reigned Shepard in when her emotions threatened to sweep her away, making a decision that would haunt her for the rest of her life.
Virmire was haunting her.
It was emotions that led her to make the decision to save Kaidan that day.
Shepard chuckled at the irony.
No, Ashley was not here, Kaidan was.
When he had taken the initiative to ask if he could come back to the Normandy, Shepard’s heart had leapt to her throat. He had even used the word love in present tense. That alone had given her a small flicker of hope that there could be something between them again as before.
She would not push it, however, she would give Kaidan all the time and space he needed to come around on his own terms. So much shit had happened between them, that sorting through it all would take time. Images of Horizon, Mars, even the armed standoff on the Citadel flashed before her eyes.
Looking at him down the barrel of her own gun was a situation she vowed never to find herself in ever again. Shepard hadn’t know whether to hate Udina for putting her in such a heart wrenching position, or thank him for being such a fucking idiot near the end of it.
She had been ready then and there to shoot that bastard in the head when his pistol was aimed at the Asari Councilor, Kaidan however, to her surprise, beat her to it. When Udina fell down, she breathed easy, relieved that her trust in Kaidan had not been misplaced. That deep down there was still something there, and not for the first time she had hoped it was more than trust.
And Mars? So much mistrust and bickering. If it wasn’t for James she would have flipped her lid, giving Kaidan a piece of her mind. Luckily for her that didn’t happen, she would not have meant a single word that would have come out of her mouth anyway, Shepard always spoke shit when she was angry.
As for Horizon? Well, the less said about that the better.
Despite their talk at the hospital, it was still a raw memory that she would need more time to actually get over.
“EDI?”
“Yes, Commander?”
“Is Kaidan still awake?”
What a dumb question, why am I stalling like this?
“He is, Commander.”
Damnit.
There was no way around it, she had to go through with it. “Thank you, EDI.”
Shepard took one deep breath, let it out and took the final steps towards Starboard Observation. Palming the access panel, the door opened with a swoosh and she stepped into the room.
As EDI had told her earlier a bunch of data pads were scattered around like a hurricane had gone off, and in the eye of the storm sat Kaidan. It was a situation it was perfectly acceptable to see herself in, but not Kaidan. If there was one thing she knew about him, it was that he was meticulous about everything.
Something was clearly on his mind.
What also helped with coming to this conclusion, was that he was not actively reading any of them, the last one he must have read at some point was lying in his lap, while he stared out the window.
Had he really been sat like this for an hour?
Tentatively Shepard cleared her throat. “A little late to be going through reports isn’t it?”
Startled, Kaidan turned around. “Oh, hey Shepard. I didn’t even notice you had come in.”
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to sneak up on you.” She couldn’t help but notice that his eyes seemed to be slightly red. “I am not interrupting something am I?”
“No, it's fine. I was just laying in my bunk staring up at the ceiling, so I decided to get some work done instead.” He gestured towards the mess of databads around him. “As you can see I got distracted.”
“Being stuck in your own head can be dangerous sometimes.”
“Yeah, I know.” He let out a defeated sigh. “Can’t stop thinking about Earth.
Shepard looked towards the observation window. To lose family is hard, to not even know if they are even alive, it was something she knew all too well. “EDI informed me that you were up here alone, so I decided to come and see if I could keep you company.”
“I’d like that.”
Shepard rocked back and forth on her feet, not sure how far the invitation extended. “Is it okay if I sit down?”
“Oh yes, of course.” Kaidan picked up the data pads that were laying on the couch next to him and placed them on the floor with a clatter. “I could use a break actually.”
As Shepard took the now available seat, she motioned towards the pile. “You should see my collection.”
“I take it you are having some trouble getting through them all?”
“Right now I am trying to see how high I can stack them all before they tumble, so far they are doing a great imitation of the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
Kaidan let out a chuckle. “I haven't quite reached that point yet, believe it or not, I have actually read through most of these.”
“Well you are doing a better job than me.” Thinking about the pile of reports waiting in her cabin made Shepard scrunch up her face again. “All of mine seem to have merged into one big amalgamation, I have no idea where to even start.”
“Is this your roundabout way of saying that you would like some help?”
She mentally kicked herself. “No, no of course not. I will get through them, I didn’t mean for it to sound like I was complaining.”
“Shepard, look.” Kaidan took the datapad that was still laying in his lap, placed it on the floor with the others, then positioned himself to face her more directly. “With everything that is going on, I can understand if it all gets a bit overwhelming. If you would like me to help, all you have to do is ask.”
The truth was, she did want the help. “I couldn’t ask that of you, doesn’t seem fair.”
“It has nothing to do with what is fair, we are in this together. For all of us to make it through this, we have to help each other. I don’t mind Shepard.”
Damn him for being so selfless, there is nothing I have done to deserve it.
“I would love for you to help me with my reports.”
“Okay then.” The corners of Kaidan’s mouth turned into a soft smile. “When I have finished the last of mine, we will take a look at them.”
“Sounds good.” She gave him a smile to match his own.
Shepard couldn't quell the feeling that she was taking advantage of his good nature. Being helpful and there for people who needed it was one of his better traits, well that and his powerful biotic abilities and his charmingly good looks.
She had no idea for how long she had sat there and looked at him lost in thought with a dumb smile plastered on her face, but Kaidan took the initiative to break the silence and change topics from the drap reports. “So what are you doing up this late, I thought you would be sleeping.”
“I tried to.” Shepard repositioned herself, trying to get more comfortable on the couch. “I can’t seem to get any restful sleep nowadays.”
“Images from the Beacon?”
She shook her head. “That hasn’t bothered me for a long time, especially not after…” I was brought back to life. “I came back.”
Leaning back on the couch, she placed her hands in her lap while picking at the tips of her fingers. “When I try to sleep all I can hear is Reapers, voices of people we have lost, and I keep seeing this kid on Earth that I couldn’t save.” Shepard huffed, “and my bed is too damn big.”
Kaidan raised a quizzical eyebrow. “Your bed?”
“I grew up on the streets of Earth you know, I am used to sleeping huddled up with others on the floor, being in a soft double bed alone can feel empty.”
“Maybe you could ask Garrus to join you in that big, soft double bed.” Kaidan said with a smirk.
Shepard snorted. “I don’t even know how to get him out of his armour without using a tin can opener.” She couldn’t remember the last time she had heard Kaidan laugh, but she loved the sound of it. “Besides, I imagine he is quite bony, I prefer something a bit more cuddly in my arms when I sleep.”
Shepard looked down as she realized where she had placed her hand. The texture of his muscled thigh was stark against the material of his uniform.
Her first instinct was to yank the hand away, this was going too fast, she was not being subtle at all. She fought down the thought, forcing herself to meet his gaze instead. “Are things okay between us? I mean, we were awfully close to shooting each other at one point.”
Kaidan took her hand in his warm one and ran his thumb in small circles on the back of her hand. “I still care about you, Kendra. It doesn't have to be awkward.”
Mentioning her by first name made her heart do a somersault in her chest. She instantly swallowed, pushing all hopeful thoughts aside. It was only her name, for all she knew, it could have been a slip of the tongue.
Then to her surprise, he motioned for her to move closer, hesitantly she did.
She turned slightly around to lean against him and pulled her feet up on the couch. While he placed an arm around her to let it rest on her shoulder.
That small flicker of hope, sparked again in Shepard’s chest. This time, however, she saw no reason to put it out. Instead she let the spark catch fire and consume her, filling her body with a pleasant heat that mixed with Kaidan’s that was radiating from his body.
This moment right here, just him and her together like this, it was like she was home again. An embrace long forgotten, and she wanted to enjoy it while it lasted. Luckily the silence wasn’t awkward, it was pleasant. Whatever this was between them she was certain that in time they would figure it out, together.
It wasn’t long before her eyes started to feel heavy, the lack of sleep was starting to catch up on her, stubbornly she fought it.
She was not going to fall asleep.
“Are you sure you don’t want to go back to bed?”
Shephard’s eyes sprung open, for how long had they been closed?
“I wasn’t sleeping, just resting my eyes for a second.” She rubbed her eyes with the palm of her hands, forcing them to stay open. “Besides, I know I will have bad dreams, there’s no point.”
“Well maybe we could find something else to do, rather than sit here in silence by ourselves?” Kaidan suggested. “Maybe we are not the only ones who couldn’t sleep.”
Shepard’s mind was cast back to her conversation with EDI from earlier. “Well I have heard that James and Cortez are having another one of their famous heated debates in the Shuttle Bay, I even have it on good authority that it includes copious amounts of alcohol.”
Kaidan let out a low chuckle that rumbled through her body, making the heat in her stomach intensify. “Are you sure you want to go down there, you do know the heated floors do not extend to the Shuttle Bay?”
Shepard looked down at her bare feet, contemplating if she could be bothered to go all the way up to her cabin to get her boots. “Yeah, no. You got a point.” She gave her toes a wiggle, maybe she should take Miranda’s advice and have the nails painted, as she claimed it would make Shepard more sophisticated. Then again, she hated wearing open toed shoes, so it was not like anyone was going to see it often anyway. And really, who was she kidding, she was not sophisticated in the slightest. “Well, we could also go to my cabin. I won’t promise I have copious amounts, but I do have some alcohol.”
Her mind froze in an instant, had she just invited him to her cabin?
What the hell for?
To get drunk and have sex?
Wait, why did her mind jump to having sex?
For someone who had told herself to give him time, to not push it, she sure as hell was pushing it and not in the right direction.
Realizing that none of them had said anything for a while, Shepard became hyper aware that she was giving him the wrong impression, again. She bolted upright to look him straight in the eyes. “Only if you want alcohol,” she blurted out, “not that you have to. You don’t even have to come to my cabin, no actually I don’t know why I even said it, I mean…”
He was only smiling at her. “Have I ever told you that you are adorable when you are rambling?”
Shepard closed her mouth, all inappropriate thoughts instantly forgotten. The only thing important was those warm brown eyes framed by that lovely smile. How much she had missed Kaidan’s eyes. She could think of a myriad of ways to describe them, however none of them ever seemed appropriate.
She could swear she felt heat rise in her cheeks. “No, I don’t think I have been called adorable before.” She had no idea how, but somehow, Kaidan had the ability to make her head spin, make her heart beat a little faster. How she had ever managed to even exist when he was not around she could not fathom. Living on earth, it was all about protecting oneself, both physically and mentally. Yet, he had so easily torn down her carefully built wall.
Kaidan’s smile widened. “Well I guess there is a first time for everything.”
Despite all the shit she had put him through he was still nice to her, the least she could do was give him the time he deserved. “I really am sorry, I don’t know where that came from. I am not trying to make you feel uncomfortable.”
Kaidan placed his hand on her arm, sending a shiver up her spine. “As much as I appreciate the offer, I am still trying to sort out where you and I stand after everything that has happened.” He placed a finger under her chin to raise her eyes to his. “But I promise, you will never make me feel uncomfortable.”
“Can we at least pretend I didn’t say anything?”
“It’s hereby forgotten.”
Kaidan opened his arms to invite her in again, this time she placed her head on his chest letting his biotic heat wrap around her like a blanket. When her eyelids started to feel heavy this time, she let them fall. His heartbeat was slow and steady in her ear, helping her mind to drift off. “It really is great having you back Kaidan.” She managed to mumble, unsure if he'd even heard her.
His arm wrapped around her waist, she felt him breathe her in as he placed a soft warm kiss on the top of her head.
Not long after, she was finally claimed by peaceful sleep.