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The silence was deafening. Every step he took seemed to echo, every tiny noise in the apartment was suddenly loud, and he was very aware that he was the only person there.
From now on, he would be.
Minho had moved out, it was only Jinki left in the dorm.
The dorm had been home for all of them for such a long time. Minho and Onew had now lived together for nearly 15 years, he was pretty sure. And suddenly, Onew was truly alone in the space for the first time in all those years.
It was strange.
He wasn’t anticipating Minho’s return from his gym session or whatever he was up to. There was no one to wait up for, it was just him.
Even though they were well into adulthood now, Onew would usually wait for Minho to get home if he’d gone out with friends, just to make sure he was home safe. Minho did the same for him just as regularly. But that wouldn’t be happening anymore.
Sitting on the couch in the living room, staring at the walls, the apartment felt huge. Five bedrooms, enough room for five teenage boys to live together. The memories they’d shared within this space flooded through his mind. The good and the bad. Celebrating first wins and returning home after their official debut, helping eachother through hard nights and painful injuries, Minho and Onew holding eachother close, tight, on the worst night of their lives. So much had happened within the walls of their dorm.
He could picture Taemin in the living room, barely 16, running choreography over and over. He could hear Key and Jonghyun in Jong’s room, writing new songs and playing around with lyrics. He could imagine Minho getting way too enthusiastic watching a soccer game on TV, yelling in excitement and inevitably being scolded by Key, usually resulting in an argument.
It was almost too much, imagining all those things. Onew was suddenly hit by the realisation that being alone felt uncomfortable. He didn’t like it.
As much as they all frustrated eachother at times, it was nice to know there was someone else in the dorm with them, always there for support if needed. Even now, he knew any of the members were a phone call away, and they never dismissed eachother’s calls, but it wasn’t the same.
There were positives of course. Onew truly had privacy for the first time since he was a teenager. He could do anything he wanted, there was no-one around to watch, scold, judge, tease.
But he was alone.
And he was lonely.
His phone buzzed with a message, and he checked it quickly.
M: Hyung, I miss you already.
Onew smiled sadly, so Minho was feeling similarly. After living together for so long, it was bound to be strange when they were apart.
O: I miss you too. It’s too quiet here.
He regretted passing on Minho’s suggestion to move out together, into a different apartment that suited them both better. He’d said it was important that they both learn to live alone, just as he had said to the other members when they’d moved out. But now, he wasn’t so sure he felt the same. Given time, Jinki was sure he’d come to terms with the unaccompanied life, but tonight he felt the weight of it.
He’d cooked food for one, which he’d done before of course, but not without checking if the other members wanted any first, or without one of them coming to steal some even after denying his offers of a serving.
He’d watched a TV show he hadn’t seen for years, alone on the couch.
He’d started a new book.
But it all felt strange.
It felt like something was missing.
K: Yeonggam, how are you?
The text from Key was sudden, but Jinki supposed that Key knew him well enough to anticipate that being alone would be odd for him.
O: I’m okay. It’s quiet and strange, but I’m okay.
Lying in bed that night felt familiar but new at the same time. It was his space, tailored to him after so many years, remnants of over a decade of living in the room still scattered around. But there was no background noise beyond his door. He couldn’t hear Minho showering or watching some late night sports match on the TV. Every noise from the apartment above seemed louder than ever before.
He couldn’t sleep. He tried, but it wasn’t coming to him.
This is silly Jinki, you’re an adult, he scolded himself.
He got up for a glass of water and sat back down on his bed, gazing out the window at the moon.
He watched the moon a lot these days, talked to it sometimes. He felt silly doing it, but it did make him feel better. He could voice his thoughts and in some strange way, he felt he’d been heard.
It was nearly midnight when his phone buzzed on his bedside table again.
T: Hyung, want to come over?
Taemin this time, and he was wondering if the boy had hidden cameras in his room to know he was still awake at this hour. Jinki was rarely up late if he had a say in it.
O: Taeminnie, it’s almost midnight. Are you okay?
T: I’m okay. Are you? You can come over if you want, I don’t mind.
O: I’m okay Taemin, just adjusting. I’ll take you out to lunch tomorrow.
T: Sounds fun. Are you sure you’re okay? You’re never up late.
O: I’ll be fine. See you tomorrow.
T: Goodnight hyung
Onew smiled gently. It warmed his heart that his members had checked on him. They really knew eachother so well. They wordlessly knew what was going through eachother’s heads, even separated. He’d be okay, even if he missed Minho tremendously tonight and for a few days, he’d get used to it, just like the others had when they’d lived alone for the first time.
He settled himself back into bed, giving sleep the permission to overtake him or not. He peacefully watched the night sky outside his window, hearing the sounds of the street below. The moon illuminated his room nicely, and for a moment he could have sworn the moonlight was just a little brighter than it usually was, as if sparkling.
He wasn’t really alone.