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Lady Gaga was pretty great to dance to while high.
The pulsing beat of Bad Romance filled the confined space as Ana grinded on the dance floor, practically mashed together with all the strangers surrounding her. Her tight bandage dress clung to her sweaty body as they grooved to the beat, the hot stuffy air, flashing strobe lights, and neon glow sticks only adding to the house party atmosphere.
I want your love, and
I want your revenge
You and me
Could write a bad romance
In her dazed mind, Ana knew she had probably taken too much E. Or had it been Molly this time? She found she didn’t really care as she raised her arms in the air, dancing and grinding to the chorus along with everyone else in this basement-turned-nightclub.
Ana giggled as her best friend Kate grabbed her hand and spun her around, causing her vision to go hazy. The two of them continued laughing and dancing, moving together to the beat. Ana felt her mind blank out in a familiar, delicious fog as they danced in tune to the music.
This was bliss. Ana felt she could just float away to the ether, where reality could never find her again…
And then…
The lights turned on.
Ana let out a groan as she woke up the following morning, feeling as if she had swallowed a mouthful of cotton while getting repeatedly bashed over the head. This wasn’t the first time she had woken up like this, but it was always an unpleasant experience when she did. She felt the familiar softness of her bedsheets underneath her, and she wondered vaguely how she had gotten home last night.
Someone shifted beside her, rolling over and sliding an arm over her waist. Ana stiffened.
“‘Morning, babe,” Jose Rodriguez mumbled sleepily, and Ana glanced over to see her friend’s naked body lying beside her, thankfully covered from the waist down.
Ana looked down at her own body, suddenly realizing that she only wore the strapless bra she had on last night. Her stomach pitched, and she groaned as she covered her eyes with her hand.
“Jesus Christ, Jose… please tell me we didn’t have sex last night,” she mumbled pleadingly.
“Why would it be so bad if we did?” Jose said sensually, running his hand along her waist in a flirty manner that made Ana want to vomit. “It’s not like it would have been the first time…”
Ana suddenly yanked his arm off of her and jumped out of bed, ignoring the woozy feeling in her stomach as the room seemed to tilt. “Get out.”
“Aw c’mon babe. Don’t be like that,” Jose sat up in bed. “I was just teasing.”
“I said get the fuck out,” Ana demanded, finding an overlarge Metallica t-shirt on top of her pile of dirty laundry and yanking it on, covering her nakedness. “And don’t call me babe.”
Jose scoffed, but Ana ignored him as she stalked out of her room and into the kitchen.
Ana’s one-bedroom Seattle apartment was rather dilapidated and cheap, but it suited her just fine. The old hardwood floors, creaky air conditioning, and 40-year-old appliances were only a minor inconvenience: she hardly spent any time here anyway, since most of her nights were spent partying, bar hopping, and crashing at some random dude’s place.
Ana now stumbled to the kitchen and opened the fridge. There was nothing inside except for a bottle of ketchup and a half-filled pitcher of water.
Ana grabbed the pitcher and poured herself a cup, gulping it all down thirstily. She poured herself another before looking through the cupboards for some ibuprofen. As she searched, Jose appeared in the hallway, thankfully fully dressed.
“Nothing happened last night, just so you know,” he said, and Ana looked over at him. “After the cops busted the party, I helped you get home. We got here, and you wanted to fool around, but once we got all our clothes off you passed out on the bed. I was too blasted to leave, so I fell asleep on the bed next to you.”
Ana felt a rush of relief so sudden that she closed her eyes. “Thank God,” she sighed before looking back over at Jose, ignoring the scowl on his face. “So the cops came? Did anyone get arrested?”
“Not sure,” Jose said, scratching the back of his head. “Some people, maybe. I saw Kate leave with Blaine, though, so I don’t think she was arrested.”
Ana grimaced. Blaine was kind of a skeevy guy that Kate liked to hook up with sometimes, but at least she wasn’t in jail. “Okay.”
Jose didn’t say anything as he continued to linger, and Ana glanced back over at him. “Thank you for bringing me home last night,” she said in a flat voice. “You can leave now.”
Jose scowled again. “Jesus Ana, why do you have to be such a bitch? I already told you we didn’t hook up last night. Even though it was pretty fuckin’ clear you wanted it…”
“Fuck you,” Ana glared at him. “I was on E last night, and you knew that. And you still wanted to hook up even when I was completely out of it – fuck off.”
“You don’t think I don’t know about all the dudes you hook up with while completely blasted?” Jose said angrily. “You’re such a fucking hypocrite, Ana. The only way you want dick is if you can snort a line off the guy’s chest right beforehand…”
Enraged, Ana hurled her half-full cup at Jose’s head. The cup was plastic, so it didn’t hurt him as it hit him in the face, but he flinched as he got completely drenched in water.
“Fuck!” Jose snarled, wiping the water from his face and shaking his arms out. “What the hell, Ana?”
“GET OUT!” she shouted at him, loud enough for the neighbors to hear. With one last glare in her direction, Jose finally made his way to the doorway, swearing and mumbling to himself as he slammed the door shut behind him. Ana closed her eyes after he’d gone.
She, Kate, and Jose had been friends since college, and she and Kate had both hooked up with Jose at one point or another since then. Jose once even tried to instigate a threesome between all of them, but Kate and Ana weren’t really into that.
Ana was usually high or heavily intoxicated whenever she hooked up with Jose, and she couldn’t help but feel disgusted with herself whenever it happened. That was a line she wished she had never crossed with her friend, and she wished she knew how to bring it back to the way things were. She was just thankful it hadn’t happened again last night.
Ana was more comfortable hooking up with strangers. She didn’t have any emotional attachment to the guys she found on Tinder or met at the club, and all they were looking for was a quick fuck. Ana could continue living her life, free of any attachments.
Ana couldn’t find any ibuprofen anywhere, but she noticed some weed left out on her coffee table. She rolled a joint before moving over to her window that led to her fire escape. Her apartment was up on the sixth floor of this building, which had a very strict ‘No Smoking’ policy, but as long as she smoked outside no one really cared.
Ana sat outside on her cold metal fire escape as she smoked her joint, feeling the soothing effects of the marijuana calm and relax her. Her pounding headache soon faded to a muted throb, and she closed her eyes as she took in the sounds of the city around her. A light gust of wind blew against her face, and she sighed…
The lights turned on, and everyone immediately stopped dancing, looking around. The music shut off a moment later, and Ana suddenly noticed the two cops, a man and a woman, standing at the bottom of the staircase, facing them. Both of them looked intimidating in their black uniforms, belts, and gun holsters.
Ana felt the color drain from her face. Immediately, people began rushing toward the back door leading out to the alley, scrabbling over each other as they went.
“Everyone, stay where you are!” the female cop yelled over the hubbub, but nobody seemed to listen.
“Ana let’s go!” Kate tugged Ana toward the back of the room, but Ana was getting jostled by the people around them too much.
“Wait!”
A split second later, someone knocked into Ana, sending her flying back as her hand was ripped from Kate’s grip. She stumbled backward, and almost tumbled to the ground, but was caught by someone before she fell.
It was all rather ungraceful: Ana fell in such a way that her dress pushed up her legs and people could see her thong. The shock of everything made the world feel floaty and fuzzy, and she was unclear as to what had happened exactly.
“Hey, are you alright?”
The guy who caught her helped her to her feet, though she still stumbled a bit in her tall heels. She turned and blinked up into the man’s face, and she paled.
It was one of the cops.
He stared deep into her eyes, something that almost looked like concern shining in their gray depths. Ana stared back at him, knowing that she should pull out of his grasp but was somehow unable to do it. They stared at each other, seemingly unaware of all the movement around them.
Ana suddenly felt a horrible twisting in her stomach, and she quickly pushed herself away from the cop as she hunched over and vomited at his feet.
Nausea and mortification rolled together as one, and Ana covered her mouth as the cop jerked away from the puddle of puke. Ana knew she should apologize, but before she could look back up, she felt Jose put his arms around her.
“C’mon, let’s go,” he said, dragging her away from the cop and the mess she had made. Ana didn’t question it, and simply followed Jose out of the house in a daze…
Ana now opened her eyes, and she couldn’t help but bury her face in her hands, horror and embarrassment flooding her. She had thrown up on a cop! It was a miracle she hadn’t been arrested last night – it really seemed like Jose had saved her from spending the night in a jail cell.
A burning feeling of guilt filled her body. Maybe it would have been better if she had gone to jail.
Guilt, regret, and shame… all these feelings Ana often experienced after coming down from E, and for the life of her she didn’t know why she kept doing this to herself. Were a couple hours of fun really worth these awful feelings afterward? Was it worth hating herself for sleeping with a random guy every other night – or worse yet, Jose?
Deep down, she knew the answer. Her life was such a fucking mess she couldn’t bear to deal with it while sober. Drugs and partying were a welcome distraction from how depressing her situation actually was.
She was a 23-year-old with a dead father, an estranged mother, no college degree, a minimum wage retail job, and no future prospects. And apparently with nothing better to do with what little of her dead dad’s inheritance money she had left than to drink and party it all away.
Despite the calming effects of the marijuana, Ana felt emotion clog her throat. In a moment, she brought her knees up to her chest, buried her face in her legs, and began to cry.
The tears felt cleansing, and for a long time she couldn’t bring herself to stop.
The next couple days went by in a blur: Ana didn’t go out, despite Kate and Jose inviting her out several times, and instead opted to stay cooped up in her apartment alone. Most of her time was spent lazing in front of the TV, eating take-out, getting high, and drinking obscene amounts of vodka. She knew this wasn’t a particularly healthy approach to dealing with her feelings, but she hardly cared at the moment. This was what she felt like doing, and she would be damned if she let anyone tell her how she was supposed to live her life.
Monday morning soon came around, and Ana had to work a shift at Clayton’s Tools, despite being extremely hungover. Her job thankfully didn’t require her to wear a uniform, so she opted for a black t-shirt, cuff bracelets, distressed skinny jeans, and heavy eye makeup to cover up the fact she hadn’t been sleeping. She tied her long brown hair into a side braid, and grabbed her sneakers, keys, and name badge before heading out the door.
Clayton’s rarely saw any foot traffic in the mornings, so it was just Ana holding down the fort, and she was able to wile away the first couple hours of her shift hidden away in the storeroom playing games on her phone. A bell would chime whenever someone walked in through the front doors, which alerted her to put away her phone and head to the front so she could deal with whatever customers had come in.
The store hadn’t seen any activity for about half an hour before the front door bell chimed again, and Ana reluctantly slipped her phone back into her pocket before getting up from her chair in the backroom.
Ana didn’t immediately see anyone when she walked to the front counter, though she suspected they were just behind one of the tall shelves. Sure enough, a moment later a man appeared from around the corner and approached the front counter with a few boxes of nails in his hands. His gray eyes met Ana’s, and she went still.
It was the cop from the other night. The one she had puked on.
Holy shit, is this really happening?
“Good afternoon,” she said, trying to hide the quaver in her voice. “Um… did you find everything okay?”
“Yes, thank you.” The guy continued to gaze at her as she rang him up. “It’s you,” he said after a moment. Ana froze halfway through scanning one of the boxes of nails.
“I’m sorry?” she asked, trying to sound like she didn’t know what he was talking about.
“Friday night. My partner and I busted a party downtown that got several noise complaints. You were there,” he said, looking at her scrupulously. “You got knocked down and I caught you.”
Ana was silent, though her face burned in embarrassment. He didn’t mention her puking on his shoes, probably out of courtesy for her, but it didn’t necessarily make her feel better.
“How are you feeling?” he asked after a moment. Ana glanced up at him, and she couldn’t tell if compassion was in his voice, or if he was secretly laughing at her. She figured she had to respond either way.
“Embarrassed,” she said honestly, glancing back down at the counter. “But mostly fine.”
“That’s good,” he said sincerely. They were both silent as Ana finished ringing him up, and she placed the boxes of nails in a plastic bag before handing it to him, looking up into his gray eyes.
“Why didn’t you arrest me that night?” she blurted out.
She hadn’t meant to ask him that, and she went red the moment she realized her slip-up. The guy looked at her, raising an eyebrow.
“Did you want me to arrest you that night?” he asked.
“Um,” she stuttered, glancing away. She didn’t know what to say to that. “No, but…” she looked back up at him. “Why didn’t you?”
“Puking on a cop is hardly an arrestable offense. There are far worse things we put up with on a daily basis,” he said honestly.
Ana was silent, not wanting to point out she and pretty much everyone at that party had been on illegal drugs. It wasn’t exactly something she wanted to advertise to a cop.
“Now, if you had intended to throw up on me, that might be a different story,” the guy went on, looking thoughtful. “That could be construed as assault.”
Ana felt a bit taken aback. “You think I threw up on you on purpose?”
He shrugged. “Anything’s possible.”
The way his eyes had warmed when he said that, however, Ana could tell he was just joking with her. She smiled tentatively after a moment, and the guy smiled back at her; Ana realized he had a very handsome face when he smiled.
“Well, I promise you it wasn’t intentional,” Ana assured him. “So there’s no need to file assault charges.”
“That’s a relief,” the guy said gratefully, and Ana giggled. He suddenly looked down and checked his watch. “I should really get going.”
Ana’s smile faded. “Right.”
He looked back up at her, hesitating for a moment before gesturing toward the bag in his hand. “Thanks for the nails, Anastasia.”
Ana blinked, surprised that he knew her full name, but then remembered she was wearing a nametag. “Oh. Um… Ana,” she said. “I go by Ana.”
He smiled. “Ana,” he said. “I’m Christian.”
Ana couldn’t help but smile back at him. “Nice to meet you Christian.”
“Nice to meet you too, Ana.”
And with a final wave, Christian had turned around and walked out the door. Ana watched him leave, and her thoughts lingered on him for the rest of the day as she finished up her shift.
Kate and Ana’s friend Lacy was throwing a party tonight, and Kate practically demanded Ana come to it with her, claiming she owed her for not going out with her the past few nights. Ana still didn’t really feel like partying, but went along anyway, figuring she could just duck out early if she wanted to.
It was the usual scene, with pounding house music, strobe lights, and sweaty bodies grinding to the thudding beat. Ana was wearing her favorite bright purple bandage dress with gold strappy heels, and she and Kate had already done several shots in the kitchen with Lacy before going to dance with the others.
Ana was having a great time. Her mind and body were pleasantly warm from the alcohol, and the energy in here was fun and upbeat. Ana felt glad she had come out tonight.
After dancing awhile, someone handed Lacy a pill pack. She took one of the tablets out before passing the pack to Kate, who did the same.
Ana took the pill pack when Kate handed it to her, but for some reason she had no desire to take one. She wasn’t sure why, since she had always been down to party before, but for some reason she just wasn’t feeling it. Instead, she turned away from Kate and pretended to take a tablet before passing the pack to the next person. Thankfully, Kate didn’t seem to notice.
Pretty soon, some guys soon appeared and began to dance with them. They were relatively handsome – a guy with a scruffy beard wearing a blue v-neck shirt seemed to take a liking to Ana, and the two of them danced to Justin Timberlake’s Sexy Back.
Ana knew that if she had taken the E, she would be feeling much more floaty right now. This was probably the most sober she had felt at one of these parties, and it was strange to say the least. Kate and Lacy were looking pretty blasted right now, dancing and grinding with their respective partners. Ana couldn’t help but watch them, wondering if she looked like that while on drugs.
“Mind if I get a drink?” Ana asked Bearded Guy once the song ended.
“I can think of something better we can get,” the guy flirted, slurring his words slightly. His hand snaked around Ana’s waist, and she suddenly felt uncomfortable.
“I’m thirsty,” she deflected, trying to move out of his grasp.
“I got somethin’ to quench your thirst, baby,” Bearded Guy wasn’t getting the message and he grasped her tighter, pulling her close so she could feel his hot beer breath on her face. Ana wanted to vomit.
“Please let go of me,” she pleaded, trying to pull away.
“C’mon baby. We’ll just have a little fun together,” he slurred. Ana felt her heart pounding in fear.
“No. Please stop,” she said, a bit more insistently, trying to pull away.
The guy was still holding her waist tightly, but he seemed too drunk to have proper control of his reflexes. Ana was able to yank her body from his grasp before hurrying away.
“Fucking bitch!” Bearded Guy yelled at her retreating figure, but Ana ignored him as she pushed her way through the crowd of people and ran for the door, her heart pounding in her throat.
Without thinking, she ran out into the cold night while pulling her phone out of the cleavage of her dress, shakily opening the Uber app. She needed to get out of here, and she didn’t care if Lacy or Kate didn’t know that she’d gone.
Ana waited at the end of the driveway for her Uber, and once the car approached and she got inside, she couldn’t help but wonder darkly what would have happened tonight if she had taken E like she normally would have.
The following morning, Ana woke up in her own bed to see the sun shining through the window, feeling surprisingly clear-headed. Hangovers had become so commonplace for her that she had just come to expect them whenever she woke up. She got out of bed and showered, feeling refreshed as the warm water rained down on her and the clean scent of her shampoo filled her nostrils. Memories of the creepy Bearded Guy were all but forgotten.
Once done showering, Ana dried off and dressed in a clean white t-shirt and skinny jeans, pulling her hair back in a high ponytail. She had a sudden urge to go out for breakfast this morning, considering the fact it was such a nice day out, so she pulled on her shoes before grabbing her bag and heading out.
A few blocks away from Ana’s apartment building was a park where people liked to play with their dogs and go for runs. Across from the park was a diner with delicious pancakes, and Ana decided to cut through the park to get there, taking in the beautiful trees and shrubbery around her. In the distance, she could see the Puget Sound, and dozens of boats sailing on the clear blue water.
“Whoa, hey there!”
Ana jumped, startled, as a jogger almost knocked into her as he passed her by. He slowed to a stop several yards away before turning around, and she was about to tell him off when she recognized him.
“Christian?” she asked, blinking at him. He walked toward her, breathing hard from his run as he wiped the sweat from his forehead.
“Hi Ana,” he grinned at her. “Sorry about almost running into you there. I was jogging on this path when I saw you a moment too late. It’s my fault.”
Ana wanted to tell him not to worry about it, but she was distracted by how his muscular body looked in his running gear: he wore a tight blue Seattle PD t-shirt with basketball shorts and Nike sneakers. Sweat glistened on his body in a very attractive way, and she swallowed involuntarily.
“I-It’s alright,” she stuttered, clearing her throat. “I was just going to get some breakfast. I decided to walk through the park first since it’s such a nice day out today.”
“Yeah, it really is,” Christian agreed with a smile. “Would you like some company for breakfast? I was just about to finish up my run anyway, and I’d like to make it up to you after nearly running into you.”
“Oh,” Ana blushed, her heart pounding. Was he suggesting they have a breakfast date? Ana had never really done that with a guy before, but figured there was a first time for everything. And Christian seemed like a good guy. “Sure, that sounds nice.”
Christian grinned widely at her in a way that made her blush all over again. “Great.”
Ana and Christian went to the diner and sat at an outdoor table together, and for about two hours they made small talk as they ate pancakes. Ana learned quite a bit about Christian: his last name was “Grey” (fitting, considering his eye color), he was the second of three siblings, with a younger sister named Mia and an older brother named Elliot, and he had been with the Seattle PD for about five years now. His partner was a woman named Ros, who Ana remembered seeing at that party with him a few weeks ago. Ana then told him a bit about her own life – she mentioned that she had worked at Clayton’s since high school and that her father passed away a few years ago. There wasn’t really much more about her life she wanted to reveal to him, so she decided to listen more than speak.
Ana couldn’t deny feeling very awkward most of the time she was with Christian, unsure of how to proceed with this so-called “date”. Christian was clearly one of those nice guys who’d probably gotten straight A’s in school, volunteered his time on the weekends, and politely asked a girl’s dad for permission to date her. It was embarrassing to admit that most of Ana’s dates just ended up being hookups at nightclubs or late-night messages with guys on Tinder. She felt it was easier to just have sex with a guy than try to connect with him emotionally, but that was clearly what Christian was trying to do with her on their breakfast outing.
He was a genuinely sweet guy, and in another life, Ana could see herself falling for him. Too bad she was too fucked up to maintain any sort of real relationship.
Once they finished their food and paid the bill, Christian tentatively asked if he could give her his phone number. Ana, feeling her heart flutter slightly in her chest, hesitated only a moment before agreeing.
This is probably a bad idea, but I did like spending time with him today. What’s the harm in having his number?
They said goodbye before going their separate ways. Ana walked home, her mind full of Christian and their breakfast date, and she couldn’t help but smile.
She had put Christian’s number in her phone, noticing the dozen or so unread texts sent to her from Jose and Kate. She decided to ignore them, having too nice of a day to let her friends spoil it for her.
A few days later, Ana decided to make a list.
The idea came to her after reading an article about it online: having a list of achievable goals was one of the habits of successful people. Before, Ana had never considered making a list of goals, but lately she’d been feeling like making more positive changes in her life. She hadn’t taken drugs in over a week, and she’d cut her drinking down a considerable amount. She felt pretty good as a result, so she wondered how long she could keep this going.
Ana got a pad of paper and a pen, and began writing down her goals:
1) No alcohol for 3 months
2) No drugs for 3 months
Ana hesitated a brief moment before writing the third item on her list:
3) No clubs or house parties for 3 months
Ana knew that that one was going to be tough, but she was determined. If she was going to attempt this whole sobriety thing, she would have to avoid scenarios where she typically engaged in these behaviors.
4) Deep clean the apartment
That one was easy, and long overdue. She would get some cleaning supplies today.
5) Buy groceries once a week
6) Eat 3 square meals a day
She rarely ate anything other than leftover takeout, which she didn’t even like unless she had the munchies. It was depressing living like that.
7) Look into community college programs and apply to one
She had briefly thought about pursuing higher education after high school, so this goal at least seemed attainable. She didn’t know what she wanted to do with her life, but she could at least start figuring it out.
8) Delete Tinder
9) No sex for 3 months
Ana’s mind automatically went to Christian, and she smiled ironically to herself - a month ago, she would’ve had sex with a guy like Christian in a heartbeat. He might be worth waiting for, though, wouldn't he? Ana's mind lingered on him as she took the piece of paper and walked to her refrigerator, sticking it there with a magnet.
Ana went to the store and bought a bunch of groceries and household cleaning supplies. Everything ended up being over two hundred dollars, which was way more than she was comfortable spending in one sitting, but she knew it would be worth it. Since she was planning on not getting takeout or smoking weed anymore, her budget would likely balance out in the end.
After putting away all the groceries, Ana spent the rest of the day cleaning her apartment. She scrubbed down the kitchen, swept and vacuumed the floors, dusted the shelves, and organized her belongings. She was embarrassed to find a lot of empty liquor bottles and drug paraphernalia lying around, including old bongs, roach clips, and half-empty pill bottles. All that stuff she decided to keep separate from the other trash, loading it all up in an old cardboard box instead.
Once finished, Ana had about five trash bags of garbage to throw out. She began the process of carrying them down to the dumpsters in the back alley – while this building technically had a garbage chute, it had been blocked off for months since the super was too cheap to make repairs.
Ana took three trips down to the dumpsters, tossing out the bulging bags of trash and feeling lighter every time she did it. Finally, she just had the box to toss out, an she walked out to the dumpsters with it in her arms, the glass and plastic bottles inside rattling as she walked.
Ana stopped in front of the dumpsters before looking down at the box in her arms. Her heart thudded in her chest as she stood there, absorbing the significance of this moment, and after a moment she tossed the box into the dumpster. It made a satisfying thump when it landed.
She allowed a wide smile to spread across her face as she walked back inside, the weight of what she had done leaving her body entirely.
3 Days Later
“What are you talking about? I added the garlic after I put in the spinach,” Ana insisted, her cell phone tucked between her ear and her shoulder as she stirred her bowl. “I swear I did!”
“I’ll take your word for it, but I didn’t hear any garlic being put in,” Christian said skeptically, but with a level of humor in his voice that made Ana giggle.
Christian and Ana were talking on the phone, as they had been doing every evening for the past four nights now, and Ana was attempting to make creamed spinach stuffed salmon as Christian listened in amusement.
“Alright, I think I’m ready to stuff the salmon fillets,” Ana said, setting her bowl down and wiping her hands on a nearby towel. “Wish me luck.”
“Good luck. I wish I could join you for dinner – I’m starving, and salmon sounds delicious,” Christian groaned. “I hate working the late shift.”
“Sucks to be you,” Ana teased. “I’ll save you a fillet, if you’d like.”
“I’ll hold you to that, Steele,” Christian chuckled. Ana felt her heart flutter in her chest when he called her that. “Before I go, though, I wanted to ask you… my precinct is holding a charity dinner next weekend over at the Radisson to raise money for the local children’s hospital. I was wondering if maybe you’d like to go with me?”
Ana froze, unsure if she heard him correctly. “You want me to come as your date to a charity dinner?”
“I do,” Christian said, and Ana could tell he was smiling. “I think with you it could be a lot of fun. What do you say?”
Ana felt her heart pounding in her ribcage, and she swallowed. Should she go with him? It may not have been the best idea, but she was sorely tempted to go anyway. Christian was such a great guy, and when she was with him, she felt like a completely different person… someone who wasn’t dealing with a million fucked up issues at the moment.
Maybe, for one night, she could pretend to be the person she wanted to be. With Christian.
“I’d love to go with you,” Ana smiled, feeling a bit shy for some reason. “I’ve never been to a charity dinner before, though.”
“It’ll be fine,” Christian assured her, sounding immensely pleased she had agreed to go with him. “I’m excited to go out with you.”
“Me too,” Ana said, and she truly meant it.
In the days leading up to the charity dinner, if Ana wasn’t working at Clayton’s or wondering what she was going to wear to the dinner, she was cooking. She had never realized how much fun it was to create something new out of food, and she spent a great deal of time trying out new recipes, messing up quite a bit but never giving up until she got it right. The happiness and fulfilment she felt while in the kitchen was to the point where she began to realize something that should have been obvious to her from the beginning.
She wanted to be a chef.
Culinary school, from what Ana had read online, wasn’t terribly expensive: most were two-year programs, and she would get a lot of hands-on training. Ana imagined herself wearing a white chef’s uniform, bustling around a restaurant kitchen during a dinner rush and making delicious cuisine with quick, seasoned skill. She couldn’t help but smile as she thought about it, that future seeming more appealing than ever.
Money-wise, she was probably still a few months away from enrolling in any sort of culinary program, but she was determined to start saving up for it right away. These next few months could also help her by giving her more time to practice.
Ana was in the middle of trying a new beef teriyaki recipe when she heard a knock on her door. She covered her saucepan before walking over to her door, gazing through the peephole.
It was Kate and Jose.
Ana felt a pit grow in her stomach as she pressed her lips together. She reluctantly opened the door. “Hey guys.”
“Hey Ana,” Kate said, gazing at her with her arms crossed. “Long time no see.”
Ana scratched the back of her head. “Um, yeah.”
“Something smells good,” Jose noted, gazing into her apartment with interest. “Did you order stir fry?”
“I’m cooking,” Ana explained. “Beef teriyaki.”
Kate blinked, looking taken aback. “You’re cooking? Since when do you cook?”
“I’ve been getting into it lately,” Ana said simply, not really wanting to explain herself. “Did you guys need something?”
“Blaine’s throwing a party at his place tomorrow night,” Jose said. “And since you’ve been MIA these past few weeks, Kate and I figured we’d come by and invite you in person.”
Once again, Ana felt an uneasy pit grow in her stomach. “Thanks, but I have plans tomorrow night.”
Kate rolled her eyes. “I told Jose you’d say that,” she said disdainfully. “What, are you cooking again or something?”
Ana bristled, glaring at her. “I have a date, if you must know.”
“Bring him along, then,” Jose said immediately. “The more the merrier, right?”
Ana almost wanted to laugh at the idea of Christian, a cop, going to Blaine’s skeevy drug den house party. “It’s not really his scene.”
“What the hell is going on with you, Ana?” Kate snapped angrily. “You’ve been acting really weird lately. Do you hate us now or something?”
“Of course not,” Ana stated, but even she could hear the lack of conviction in her words. “I’m just getting tired of the whole party scene, alright? Is that such a crime?”
Jose snorted. “You’re tired of it?” he asked, looking baffled. “You’re tired of having fun?”
Ana grimaced. “I guess I am.”
“Come on, Jose,” Kate said coldly, grasping Jose’s arm and tugging him down the hallway. “Ana’s decided she’s better than us now. Let’s get out of here.”
Ana watched them leave, wanting to call after them and beg them not to hate her, but she couldn’t seem to be able to say anything. After they had gone, she slowly closed the door and walked back to her food in the kitchen, which was probably burnt and ruined at this point.
Saturday evening had finally arrived, and Ana could honestly say she had never been to such a fancy event before. The Radisson was one of the nicest hotels in the city, and for the charity dinner, the main ballroom had been decked out in gorgeous decorations, flower centerpieces, and white tablecloths, while fancy-looking caterers brought out long tables of delicious-smelling food.
Ana felt totally out of place.
She knew she needed to dress up for the event, but the only dresses she owned were for clubbing, and she couldn’t exactly afford to go to Nordstrom for something classier. She ended up wearing a black long-sleeved dress that had most of the back cut out and only went down to her mid-thigh. She wore opaque black tights underneath with closed-toe black heels in an effort to make the outfit a little more appropriate. She tied her hair back in a low chignon and kept her makeup light, hoping she looked a bit more sophisticated.
“You look beautiful tonight, Ana,” Christian had assured her for the millionth time that evening. The two of them were standing near where everyone else was mingling, and Ana couldn’t help but think Christian looked scrumptious in a black suit and matching tie, his copper hair brushed back so it looked less messy than usual.
“Thanks,” Ana smiled at him tremulously, glancing anxiously at the people around them.
“Can I get you a drink?” he asked. Ana was about to ask for some champagne, but then remembered she was supposed to be sober.
“No thank you,” she said, feeling more dejected than ever she couldn’t allow herself even one alcoholic beverage tonight.
Never said sobriety would be easy.
Christian seemed to understand. “Some water, then?” he asked gently. Ana looked at him and smiled.
“Water would be great. Thank you,” she said sincerely. Christian smiled at her before walking over to grab their drinks.
Ana watched him for a moment before looking at the people around her. She might have been imagining it, but it felt like everyone was glancing over at her, as if she were on display. Ana knew most of the people in this room were cops, and she couldn’t help but feel exposed, as if all of them knew she was a party girl and that she didn’t belong here with them.
The DJ in the corner started playing some dance music, and several couples nearby started chatting excitedly with each other as they went to a small dance floor near the front of the ballroom. They all looked happy and carefree as they began to move to the beat, and Ana couldn’t help but marvel at how different this type of dancing was to the bumping and grinding she often did at parties.
“Hey, the dancing’s started,” Christian returned with their drinks and set them down on a nearby table. “C’mon.”
“What? No, Christian,” Ana protested as he took her hand and began to tug her toward the dance floor. “I’m not really in the mood to dance.”
“Come on,” Christian said as they stopped on the dance floor, facing each other. He smiled charmingly at her, and Ana felt her insides melt a little bit. “Just one dance. Please?”
Ana smiled and rolled her eyes. “Might as well, since we’re already here.”
Christian chuckled as he took her in his arms, and Ana slid her arms around his neck, getting close. Ana felt warmth permeate her body as she looked up into his eyes, and suddenly everything felt right with the world.
Christian leaned down so his forehead rested against hers, and Ana closed her eyes at his touch. Everyone around them seemed to melt away as it was just the two of them in their own little world. “I really like spending time with you, Ana.”
Ana felt her heart catch in her throat as she opened her eyes, looking back at him. “I like spending time with you too,” she said sincerely.
“You’re not like any other girl I’ve ever met before,” Christian said, gazing down at her with a certain look in his eyes. Ana gazed back at him, feeling almost mesmerized by him as he leaned down to brush his nose against hers. Her eyes fluttered closed as his lips pressed against hers.
Since they were in public, they couldn’t let the kiss escalate too much, but it was difficult. Christian was a great kisser, and the way his lips brushed against hers and the way his large hands slid around her waist made Ana’s body hum with desire. She desperately wished they could continue this, but they were still on the dance floor, and Ana remembered in the back of her mind that she was trying to be abstinent.
She reluctantly pulled away, and Christian blinked open his eyes, gazing down at her. “Sorry,” he muttered, gazing down at her with the same heat in his expression that she likely had.
“Don’t be,” Ana smiled at him. “I liked it.”
“Good, because I’m not really sorry,” Christian smirked back. Ana giggled, and they continued to slow dance with the other couples as a Taylor Swift song came on.
“I feel like everyone’s staring at us,” Ana said, glancing over at a group of people nearby. They were talking to each other, and she could swear they kept glancing over at her and Christian, some of them even pointing at them. “Was our PDA really that hot and heavy?”
“It could’ve been,” Christian chuckled. “But I think Taylor or someone might have just recognized you. Don’t worry about it.”
“What? Ana frowned. “Who’s Taylor?”
“He’s the chief of police here at Seattle PD. I told you, don’t worry about it,” Christian said shortly.
“Wait, why would your chief of police recognize me?” Ana asked, still frowning. “Did you tell him I was your date tonight?”
“No, but it’s okay,” Christian said. “I don’t care what he or anyone else thinks, so it’s fine.”
“No, it’s not fine,” Ana insisted. “What aren’t you telling me, Christian? Why are people staring at us?”
“Ana, it doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks about us,” Christian stated firmly. “Taylor or one of the cops here might have recognized you from a few parties we’ve busted in the past few months, but it’s fine. They don’t know you, and it doesn’t matter what they think about you.”
Despite Christian’s reassuring tone, Ana didn’t feel fine. She immediately felt as if the room was closing in on her, and she found it difficult to breathe; she stopped dancing as she stared up at Christian. “What the hell are you talking about?”
Christian shook his head. “Ana, it’s f-”
“Don’t fucking tell me it’s fine!” Ana snapped, feeling like her heart was beating out of her ribcage. “Do all of your cop friends think I’m some drunk party girl you picked up on the street or something?”
“No,” Christian insisted, glancing over at the group of people who were watching them. “Can we talk about this somewhere else, please?”
“Everyone’s staring at us anyway,” Ana said angrily. “Why would it matter? What do you really think about me Christian?”
Christian glared at her. “I’ve already told you how I feel about you, Ana. I wasn’t lying about that.”
“Why?” Ana asked, feeling tears fill her eyes for some reason. “Why do you like me? I’m a mess, Christian. All I do is party and get drunk and high… and, apparently, you and all your cop buddies already know me by reputation. How do you think that makes me feel?”
“I’ve already told you, Ana. None of that matters to me,” Christian said, gazing at her with earnest. “Why do you find it so hard to accept that I just like you for you?”
Ana swallowed, her voice catching in her throat as the truth seemed to seep into the depths of her soul. “Because a guy like you would never go out with a girl like me,” she said, her voice trembling. “You’re a police officer, and you put your life on the line for other people every day. You’re an amazing person, Christian… and I’m just broken.”
Christian gazed at her sadly. “Ana…”
But Ana had turned and stalked away before he could say anything. She ignored the people around her as she made a beeline for the doors, needing to get out of here before she broke down into sobs. Christian didn’t seem to be following her, and for that fact she was grateful.
She left the ballroom and headed out the doors in the front lobby, feeling the cold night air biting at her legs as she stepped outside. Another bout of shame wracked her body as she thought about the short clubbing dress she had chosen to wear tonight. Even wearing it with tights, she felt like a slut.
God, what the hell was wrong with her? Why did she think she could fool herself into believing she could be a part of Christian’s world?
Despite it being cold out and she was wearing high heels, Ana began to walk home. Christian had given her a ride here, and she didn’t want to pay money for an Uber. Her apartment was about a mile away, and she wanted to burn off the excess energy she had.
God, could I really use a drink right now.
Before Ana could contemplate stopping at a bar on the way home, she heard her cell phone ring from inside her clutch purse. She pulled it out, and saw the caller ID on the screen:
Kate
Ana grimaced. Kate had been giving her the cold shoulder for the past few days now, so the fact she was calling her right now was a bit odd. Unsure of what to expect, Ana decided to answer it:
“Kate?” Ana asked. She heard a rustling sound on the other end.
“…Ana,” Kate said after a moment, her voice sounding flat. “Can you come by?”
Ana blinked, surprised at her blunt question. “Where are you?”
“St. Vincent’s Hospital,” Kate said shortly. “It’s Jose. Come right now.”
The Uber felt like it had taken forever, but once Ana was at the hospital, she wasn’t sure what she was going to see. Kate had explained only briefly on the phone: Jose had overdosed on heroin at Blaine’s house tonight, and Kate had to call him an ambulance. It sounded like it was too late, however, and the doctors weren’t sure if Jose was even going to make it through the night.
Ana felt completely numb. She wasn’t sure what she could do here at the hospital, but she knew she should be here, both for Jose and for herself. Jose’s dad lived out in Montesano, but she didn’t have his number, so she wasn’t sure how to get in touch with him.
This is so fucked up.
Jose liked to party – that much Ana knew – but heroin was a bit extreme, even for him. Ana wasn’t sure what was going on, and Kate was being very unhelpful: she had barely spoken to Ana about the situation since she arrived. While Ana was trying to be forgiving toward her friend who was clearly in shock, she didn’t really like dealing with it at the moment.
After nearly two hours of not hearing anything, Ana finally got up from her seat in the waiting room and went to look for Kate, who she found standing in the hallway outside the ICU. She was still in the short sequined dress she had worn out tonight, and she was gazing through the window toward where Jose’s bed sat. Ana went to stand beside her, looking in on Jose too: he was unconscious, with many tubes and wires connected to his face and body. A heart monitor and respirator both beeped steadily from his bedside.
“Do the doctors have any updates yet?” Ana asked quietly.
“No, not yet,” Kate said shortly. There was a brief pause.
“One of us should call his dad,” Ana suggested.
“I’ll do it,” Kate said. Her clipped voice made Ana turn toward her.
“Are you mad at me or something?” Ana asked seriously, and Kate finally turned to look at her, glaring.
“Yes, I am mad at you,” she said angrily. “This is all your fault.”
Ana felt like she had been knocked backward. She stared at Kate in shock. “What? How is this my fault? I wasn’t even there!”
"Jose never does heroin, but he was upset about the fact that you didn’t seem to want to hang out with us anymore,” Kate said, still scowling at her. “You’re what led him to do this to himself.”
Ana felt her stomach pitch, but tried to tamp down the feeling. “Did Jose say that to you?”
“No, but it was pretty fucking obvious,” Kate snapped. Ana didn’t say anything for a moment, but indignation began to grow inside of her.
“So because I decided I don’t want to party and do drugs anymore, I’m the bad guy?” Ana said, gesturing toward where Jose lay beyond the window. “It’s my fault Jose made a bad decision tonight?”
“Yes, it is your fault!” Kate snapped immediately. “You think you can just suddenly walk away from your friends as if you’re better than us? Where the fuck do you get off?!”
“I don’t think I’m better than you!” Ana said indignantly. “And maybe if you weren’t too busy projecting your own insecurities on me, you and Jose could have actually been supportive of the fact that I’m trying to get my life on track!”
“That is complete bullshit -!”
“Ana?”
Ana and Kate turned to see Christian walk up to them from down the hallway, still wearing his suit from the charity dinner. Ana was momentarily surprised to see him here, and she could only stare at him for a few seconds, blinking.
“What are you doing here?” she asked. Before Christian could answer, however, Kate stalked past them down the hallway, not saying a word. Ana and Christian simply watched her leave.
“I went by your place, but you weren’t there,” Christian explained once Kate was gone. “I didn’t know where you’d gone, but then Taylor called me and said he received a report about a man overdosing at a party. He recognized the name Jose Rodriguez, and mentioned that he was a friend of yours and that you’d probably be here with him.”
Ana didn’t say anything. She wasn’t sure how the chief of police knew who Jose was to her, or why he wanted Christian to find her here, but didn’t say anything about it. “Oh.”
Christian took a step toward her, gazing at her in sympathy. “How’s he doing?”
Ana felt tears fill her eyes. “Um… I-I don’t know. The doctors don’t know if he’s going to make it through the night… it’s kind of touch and go at the moment.”
Christian didn’t say anything, but instead took her hand and pulled her into his arms. Ana, unable to resist, wrapped her arms around his torso and buried her face in his chest, crying. So many conflicting emotions filled her body at the moment, and she felt grateful that Christian was at least here for her, despite how badly she’d treated him earlier.
I don’t deserve him.
“Is there anything I can do?” Christian asked after several minutes of Ana crying into his chest. She finally calmed herself down enough to sniffle, pulling away slightly to look up at him.
“No,” she shook her head, wiping her eyes. “But thank you for being here with me right now.”
Christian reached up to tuck a loose piece of hair behind her ear. “There’s nowhere else I’d rather be.”
Guilt burned in Ana’s gut when he said that, and she glanced down at her feet. “I’m, uh… I’m sorry about what I said to you earlier at the party. I probably caused a scene, and I’m sorry for embarrassing you like that.”
“Stop it, Ana. You could never embarrass me,” Christian said firmly. “I’m sorry I was so dismissive of your concerns in regards to what others think about us. It was tactless of me, and I’m sorry.”
Ana instinctively let out a sad chuckle. It was almost strange for a guy to apologize to her in such an eloquent and kind way. Christian was unlike anyone she’d ever met before.
“Christian… about what I said at the party,” Ana said, looking down. “It’s all true. I’m a broken mess, and I truly don’t know what a guy like you could see in a girl like me. I party and drink and get high, and it’s gotten to the point where I’ve had to start taking steps toward changing my habits so I can get my life on track. I want to be normal and successful, and I want to go to culinary school to become a chef. But I honestly don’t know if those dreams are achievable or if it’s all just some stupid pipe dream. I’m sorry, Christian, but I don’t know how to be the kind of girl you want me to be.”
“You are that girl, Ana,” Christian insisted, gazing earnestly at her. “You’re taking steps toward creating a better life for yourself, which is incredible. Do you know how many people I come across on a daily basis who just lie and make excuses for the shitty decisions they make? That’s not who you are, and I’ve seen that in you from the beginning. The Ana I see and the one I like is strong and brave, and she’s willing to work for what she wants in life. I would be proud to call you mine.”
Ana stared at him, absorbing his words. No one had ever thought so highly of her, nor had she ever believed those things about herself. But Christian was looking at her so sincerely that her heart felt like it would burst.
“I don’t know if I can do it, though,” Ana said quietly, her voice breaking slightly. “I don’t know if I’m strong enough.”
“You are strong enough. And I’ll be here to help you every step of the way,” Christian said firmly. “As long as you’ll let me, I won’t leave your side.”
Tears slid down Ana’s cheeks, and she couldn’t resist reaching up and taking Christian’s face in her hands, kissing him deeply on the lips. Christian responded by immediately kissing her back, wrapping his arms around her body and holding her close.
Learning to break bad habits was never easy, and Ana knew she would likely struggle with them for a long time, but she was infinitely grateful to have someone like Christian by her side throughout it all.
2 weeks later
Just as the doctors expected, Jose passed away from the overdose that night in the hospital. Christian and Ana stayed in the ICU with him the entire time, not saying much as they sat together. Kate, as promised, had called Jose Sr. about what happened, and he was able to drive down to Seattle to be with his son in his final moments.
Jose’s funeral was today, and about a dozen or so people had gathered outside in the cemetery as his coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. Christian and Ana stood together with the other mourners, and Ana watched with tears in her eyes as, one-by-one, people walked forward to place a white rose on Jose’s casket.
Ana went and placed her rose on top of the casket after Kate, who had avoided Ana throughout the entire funeral and wake. Kate had refused to speak to Ana since Jose’s death, and Ana didn’t try talking to her: this might have been the end of their friendship, but Ana couldn’t bring herself to be too upset about it. She could only hope Kate would start making better life choices from here on out.
The funeral finally ended, and people began to disperse. Christian held Ana’s hand as they walked back to the car.
“Are you alright?” Christian asked quietly as a light breeze blew past them.
Ana didn’t answer for a moment as she closed her eyes, feeling the wind against her skin and the harsh cool sting of tears still on her cheeks. She inhaled before letting out a cleansing breath. “I am.”
And she knew she would be.
THE END
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