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“Oh mother;
Why do you keep me around, like an old burn out match, waiting for the time that another’s fire could light me up again, at least for a moment, to burn?
My light was short lived but blinding, and then it was over. I was falling into the dark before I knew it. After all this years, I still don’t really understand why. We were making galaxies, lighting up the stars, I loved it up there, just the two of us and infinite around.
I started making friends, but you did not like them. As you’re loving, you’re fast in anger. You did not warn, you acted as you deemed necessary. You extinguished my light. I woke up and it was cold, my skin was scaly, there was no fire to warm me. Someone told me “Go up there and cause some trouble”. Didn’t really knew what they meant, but I was eager to get out of there, so I went up. Talked with some people, I think that made the trick.
And then, I saw it. Fire. An Angel with fire in his hands. Maybe that was it, maybe that was the one who would help me to shine again, to be warmer. I did a little rodeo, changed to appear more like me and then went up to where he was. My heart broke, the fire was gone.
― Didn’t you have a flaming sword? – I asked.
He looked a little uncomfortable and then answered;
― I gave it away…
― You what!? – I couldn’t believe it; how could someone gave their light away on their own free will? The truth is, he looked proud of his decision, but it took a lot of me and a lot of time to understand it.
I stayed around him; for some centuries it was just curiosity and selfishness, because for some reason I was certain that this angel was the one that would help me to shine again, and while that happened, I could let his light to shower me with some warm.
As time passed, I began to see all his faces, for someone who stayed practically the same all the time, he was so different in every way. Now I could see why he gave the fire away, he didn’t need it to shine. He fulfilled his missions, helped people, guided them towards their path in life; he did all that with warm, with kindness, the fire couldn’t have done that. The fire was the weapon of those who are desperate, the one that starts War. The warm is the weapon of the ones that believe in what they are fighting for, even if they are fighting against the world, they’re never alone.
More and more years passed, harder and harder it was to do good. Armageddon came and went (a really stressing week), and I finally realized it.
During this time, Aziraphale recovered his sword; war was upon us, so it was logical that he would need it. And when his chance to use it came, he chose warm over fire again, he chooses to be kind with me, he gave me the chance to do good and doing that, we both could help others. Stopping time (and with a little bit of mischief) the big evil was stopped and the children made it back to home by tea time.
When it ended, while we waited for the bus (the car had burned down, it’s okay now), a mailman approached us and asked for the sword. When he gave it away this time, I wasn’t confused, I understood he didn’t need it, the fire that started War died down whiting some hours of existence, while his warm prevailed for the 6000 we were on earth and will prevail for the next 6000 we’ll be together.
And that warm kept me going too. I thought I needed to burn again, so I could end my purpose and become stardust, but now I’m warm, now he shares and transmits his kindness to me, I don’t want to be on fire anymore and I don’t want this to end.”
That was the letter that Crowley wrote to his Mother, he couldn’t send it, because God doesn’t have a mailbox; but I knew, as I always know. He wrote it because he needed to take all of that from his chest. The first part is stained with some angry tears, and the last one finished in a hurry, as he got a surprising call from Aziraphale, who wasn’t very sure why he was calling, but invited him to some nice dinner at the Ritz.