Chapter Text
It all started about a week after Ash and Eiji settled into their quaint apartment in Tokyo. It wasn't anything much, but it was more than enough for the both of them. Thanks to all the dirty money Ash stole from Golzine, they managed to secure a lovely two-bedroom loft on the outskirts of Tokyo. Eiji continued his studies at university, while Ash decided to first spend a year studying Japanese before deciding what he wanted to do, now that he was a free man.
Their romantic relationship progressed slowly, with Ash still adjusting to mundane life and Eiji always being cautious with his words and touches. He knew Ash loved him, and Eiji returned those feelings without a doubt, but he preferred letting Ash make the first steps, especially when it came to physical touches. Eiji also, albeit hesitantly, mentioned to Ash that maybe he should try therapy after a while.
''Maybe having someone who isn't completely in love with you would help you get better,'' Eiji said one morning while they were eating breakfast,'' and besides, I'm not a professional. What if someday I give you advice that is hurtful?'' Eiji asked Ash, frowning at the thought.
''I've been thinking about that too, but I want to give it more time.'' Ash replied, staring at his breakfast, '' Besides, I don't think you'd ever be able to hurt me, not with those bambi eyes of yours.'' Ash cheekily grinned so Eiji decided to let it go and savor the normalcy that is their life now.
To be honest, Eiji was thinking of going to therapy too, but he pushed the thought into the back of his mind. He wanted to focus on Ash first, himself second. Even though he still hasn't recovered from the events that happened prior to his trip to America, and even though he knew he was suffering from the trauma of the whole Banana Fish ordeal, he decided to ignore it until Ash settled in. Besides, what Eiji went through in those couple of months couldn't possibly compare to all the hurt and hardships that Ash has been going through ever since he was a child. Eiji believed that it was selfish to think about his own troubles before taking care of Ash.
And so, he ignored it. Eiji ignored the anguish that gnawed on his insides, taking with it his peace of mind. He barely ate and when Ash asked him, he always made excuses. Eiji cursed his boyfriend's observation skills, but he knew that Ash, perfect sweet Ash, was simply worried about him.
And Eiji didn't deserve it.
He didn't deserve Ash's patience, his kind smiles, his warm hugs, his soft kisses. Eiji wasn't worth the time Ash spent worrying and doting on him.
His Ash was perfect. He was smart, beautiful, and kind. While Eiji... well, he was more of a nuisance than anything else.
Eiji wasn't very bright and he knew it. Even after living in America for some time, he still made constant mistakes when speaking English. Hell, Ash teased him for it too, always telling him to go watch Sesame Street or complaining how Eiji reads too slowly. Eiji didn't hold that against him, how could he? Ash was only speaking the truth.
He wasn't pretty or handsome either. Eiji thought he looked rather plain, sometimes even ugly. The bambi eyes that Ash always talked about reminded Eiji more of bug eyes rather than the big, doe eyes that Ash makes them out to be. His black hair never laid down neatly but it wasn't curly either. It was a mess, much like Eiji himself.
And so, he often spent time looking at himself in the mirror, wondering what Ash sees in him.
''Perhaps'', he thought with tears in his eyes, ''Ash will soon realize that he can do so much better than me and then he'll leave me to find someone worthy of him.''
Eiji wouldn't dare stop him. He promised Ash forever and maybe Ash was serious when he said that it doesn't have to be forever, but just for now. Just for that moment. And Eiji doesn't mind, he's used to always being the second choice. As long as his Ash is safe and happy, Eiji's heart can be at peace.
For the time being, he only hoped to maintain the warmth and joy that their shared space offered them.