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Lucy and Kate were lying in bed together, Kate held Lucy tightly as if maybe she was scared to let go or that this wasn’t real. They had fought and ended things enough times recently to warrant those thoughts. At least, Lucy would have to admit the truth of that. But maybe this time would be different. Kate had helped them with Kayla today, and she seemed to keep seeking Lucy out. So maybe this time things would be different. Lucy started to let herself hope this time. Maybe just a little.
“What are you thinking about? I can practically hear the wheels turning in your head.” Kate wondered softly. Then she shifted to peer over Lucy for a better look. “Are you already regretting it? You don’t think we should have…”
Lucy shook her head and turned over to better face Kate. “The opposite this time. This…this time it felt different. Or I think it could be different.”
She watched as Kate immediately relaxed.
“I think so, too.” Kate smiled softly. Just barely there, but Lucy noticed it.
“I was also thinking…you helped us today. You went against orders and you…how did you get the bus of FBI agents? I know you said you called in a favor…but who owed you that kind of favor?” Lucy raised her eyebrow at the end as if to tease her about any torrid affairs she may be unaware of.
Kate rolled her eyes and laid back down, then she sighed loudly. Lucy watched her with concern as Kate put her own arm over her face and covered her eyes with it.
“Hey…I was joking. I am curious, but if you don’t want to talk about it we don’t have to.”
Kate removed her arm, glanced at Lucy, and then looked away.
She stared at the ceiling as she spoke. “Do you ever wonder if you had everything wrong? Like you had this plan for your life and you were single-minded to the point of obsession and then…you reached it and…it wasn’t what you thought it would be?”
Lucy scooted closer to Kate, continued to face her, and wrapped a protective arm around her waist. “I don’t feel like that is meant as a rhetorical question. You want to know if I think you made a mistake? Or if I ever felt like I did?”
Kate turned toward her and rested her hand on Lucy’s forearm. “I wanted to help people. To save people. To protect them. I thought…after Noah...I wanted to protect information so I could protect the people who were relying on those secrets…the discretion…I wanted….” Kate closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Then she exhaled shakily and looked straight into Lucy’s eyes. “Today, Kayla and her husband were both at risk. They were both unsafe because I did my job. Or tried to. I protected the information…the asset and not the people. And for the first time…I’m really starting to question why I’m doing this. I didn’t get into it to protect government secrets. I wanted to save lives.”
Lucy scooted right into Kate’s personal space and kissed her on the forehead. Then she tucked her hair behind her ear softly and wrapped Kate in a tight hug.
“Today, you saved lives. You saved a marriage. You may not have done the job you were supposed to do, but you did the right thing. And you…you got the trust of my team. We will always have your back after this.”
Kate’s eyes burrowed into Lucy’s. “And yours…do I have your trust?”
“You do.”
“Then you have mine.” Kate told her. She kissed her lightly on the lips and then lay on her back. She pulled Lucy with her slightly, so that Lucy’s head rested on her chest. “I was able to call in a favor with the FBI because the director was somewhat of a mentor to me. He’s friends with my dad, or well, friendly enough. And I have some connections there because they’ve been trying to recruit me for ages. I just never really considered any of their attempts seriously.”
“Until today?”
She felt Kate’s body shake and assumed she nodded in answer to the question.
“What changed? Just the way you felt like you were being asked to protect the wrong people today for the wrong reasons or…” Lucy decided to venture into more personal territory since Kate was actually opening up.
“Watching your team…seeing the camaraderie you all have. You go out for drinks after a long day. You have each others’ backs. You’re not alone in this fight. I…I guess I’ve been lonely.”
“You want a team. You want someone to have your back. Someone you can trust and fight alongside of.”
“Yes. And I think that I’ve wanted that longer than I’m willing to admit. So…I talked to my contacts today, after…well, after everything. I think I’m going to start working toward a new dream now. A better one.”
Lucy raised herself up on her elbows and looked at Kate with pride. “FBI Special Agent Whistler does have a very nice ring to it.”
Kate’s eyes darkened instantly and her seriousness fell away into a flirty smile. “I really do like the sound of that. Especially coming from you.”
“I mean…we’ve tried several new things in bed, I wouldn’t be opposed to…”
She was cut off by Kate pulling her into a heated kiss. And she was rewarded for her efforts to be a good listener and supportive…lover for the rest of the night.
xxxx
Lucy had been walking around all afternoon in a haze. Kate made it to the FBI. She got her dream. FBI Special Agent Whistler was more than just one of Lucy’s very vivid fantasies now. Kate had to be ecstatic. Lucy was proud of her. Happy for her. And she missed her. So much.
She had had a lot of time to think in the past month (longer if she’s being honest, which she wasn’t completely ready to do yet). She was hurt by Kate. Heartbroken really. But she also never really allowed Kate to properly explain herself. Or rather, she didn’t listen when Kate tried to explain herself. All she had really wanted was a real apology, not more excuses. But then she pushed Kate so far away that she never got one even if Kate had wanted to try.
She knew she was being petty, but she also didn’t know how to stop. How to let Kate know that she was ready to talk now if Kate still wanted to. She didn’t know how to let her back in. So she just kept on doing what she had been doing even though she was aware that she was hurting both of them in the process. At the very least, she understood they both deserved closure. Lucy just didn’t know how to be the first one to reach out and give them that. Besides, part of her was worried she’d be rejected if she tried. Which, again, she understood was a bit hypocritical.
And the worst of it all was that Lucy just really wanted to congratulate Kate on her achievement. If anyone deserved a win, it was Kate. Lucy knew what it was like to feel lonely and lost. She had felt both so severely over the past month. She had her team, and she knew they would be there for her. But it was hard to ask for help. It was hard to admit that she wasn’t over the almost dying thing. And she definitely wasn’t over the killing someone thing. She never got a chance to properly deal with either because the breakup happened right after and then the Maggie thing happened, so it was all hands on deck. Lucy felt like she hadn’t had any time to breathe in so long. And when she finally came up for air, she realized that she wasn’t angry at Kate anymore.
It had been easy to distract herself with cases. And easy to throw herself into being there for Jane so she didn’t have to dwell on her own pain and her own sadness. It was easy until it wasn’t. And it hasn't been easy for a while now. She didn’t know how to fix herself. To heal or move past it all. But maybe she could fix one thing in her life. Maybe she could move on from being so hurt by Kate. Maybe she could try to let go. Even if the very thought of it terrified her and shattered her already fragile heart.
She shook her head and massaged her temples. Then she groaned at the onset of a headache.
“You okay?” Jane asked as she walked by in the darkened bullpen.
Lucy looked around in confusion wondering when everyone else had left and how long she had been sitting in the dark alone.
“You looked lost in thought. Do you want to talk about it?” Jane questioned again as she pulled up Jesse’s chair and sat next to Lucy.
“I heard Kate got a new job.” Lucy said quietly.
Jane nodded and smiled. “She did. She’s excited about it.” Jane seemed to be studying her. “I saw her, before her new position became official…a few days ago when I was being questioned about Maggie. She gave me some pointers about the person who was questioning me and it was very helpful. It helped get me off suspension.”
“Good. Then she’s doing good. I mean, she’s…happy?” Lucy didn’t mean for it to come out as a question. But she couldn’t take it back now.
“She looked lighter than I’ve ever seen her. Like this is what she was meant to be doing. Like she had been trying for that position for longer than I think any of us might have realized.” Jane gave her a look that was unreadable to Lucy. “Or most of us realized. But happy? I’m not sure I’d go that far.”
“What? Why not? You just said…and this job, it’s everything she’s ever wanted. It’s her dream. And she got it just like I knew she would.”
“The thing about dreams is that they aren’t as fulfilling if you don’t have someone to share them with.” Jane told her with a raised eyebrow and a knowing smirk.
“Oh, I appreciate that you’re still somehow rooting for us. But I’m pretty sure I blew it. It took me too long to realize I want her back and she’s likely moved on. I just wish I could congratulate her and tell her that I forgive her. That I’m proud of her and not angry anymore.”
Jane stared at her in a way that made Lucy feel compelled to continue to ramble.
“And maybe I should say that I’m sorry and that I forgive her. Because just because she isn’t DIA anymore and won’t be working with us so closely, I’m sure we will be working together since I heard that she is staying here, in Hawaii. I would have thought she’d want to move to where there’s more action and better connections and more possibility to move up the ranks faster. But since she’ll be here and we will likely be working together, it might be better if we had a good working relationship. Closure, you know? Let bygones be bygones. And all that. That’s a thing people still say, right?”
Jane nodded at her in a way that looked like she was placating her. Maybe she was. “I think you should talk to Kate. She’d love to hear from you.”
“Love might be a strong word.” Lucy corrected.
“I think it’s the right one.”
Lucy stared at her wide eyed and with confusion. “I don’t know if we’re having the same conversation anymore. Did she say something? Am I missing something?”
“Talk to her, Lucy. You both need to figure things out. You both need to move on, if that’s what you want.”
Lucy frowned. “So she did say something. She moved on?”
“Lucy. Talk to Kate. That’s a direct order.” Jane’s tone of voice left no room for argument.
“Roger.” Lucy nearly felt compelled to salute her as she stood up and walked out of the room.
She tried talking herself out of going to Kate’s during the entire drive to her place and somehow still ended up outside of her ex’s apartment.
Lucy took a deep breath and held it as she knocked on the door. When she heard movement inside, she exhaled and readied herself for whatever conversation was about to take place. She just hoped it went well.
Kate opened the door in a rush and her eyes widened and her mouth dropped open when she saw Lucy standing there.
“Oh, it’s…you’re here.” Kate breathed out.
Lucy licked her lips and ran her hands through her hair anxiously. “And you hate surprises and were obviously expecting someone else so I'm just going to go now.”
She turned to leave but Kate’s hand on her wrist stopped her instantly. “Please, stay.” She let go as soon as Lucy stopped walking away from her. “I didn’t…I wasn’t expecting you. But that doesn’t mean I’m not happy to see you.”
Lucy slowly turned toward her. “Really?”
“Really? What are you doing here? I…I’m not complaining, just, it’s been a while and…” She trailed off as her eyes glanced over Lucy’s shoulder.
Lucy turned around and saw a familiar pizza delivery guy approaching them with a pizza in hand.
“You have plans. I should go.” Lucy said as she stepped aside for the delivery guy.
Kate stepped toward her but then seemed to think better of it as she accepted the pizza from the guy and they both watched as he retreated.
“I wanted to do something to celebrate but didn’t feel like celebrating alone at a bar or something, and I don’t know, part of me just wanted to wallow a bit.” Kate said quietly as the elevator door closed and they were alone again.
“Wallow? This should be the happiest day of your life. You just got everything you ever wanted.”
“Not everything.” Kate told her as she held eye contact. “Why are you here, Lucy?”
“Well, FBI Special Agent Whistler…” She noticed Kate’s eyes darken at the title and that gave her the courage to continue talking. “I came to congratulate you. Today you officially made your dreams come true and I know how much you wanted this and how much it means to you. So I…all day I tried texting you. I deleted so many drafts. I didn’t know what to say that wouldn’t sound shallow or come off as glib.”
“I would have welcomed any of them.” Kate admitted as she looked down at the pizza and then back up at Lucy. “Want to have dinner with me? It would be nice not to celebrate alone.”
Lucy nodded and followed Kate inside. They stood silently as Kate got out plates and two mason jars. Lucy put the pizza on plates for them as Kate poured some wine.
“Want to take this out on the deck?” Kate asked when she was finished.
“Sure.”
They ate as the silence consumed them, but it was far less awkward than Lucy expected somehow.
“Jane said you gave her some advice. For her hearing.” Lucy said long after their pizza and wine were finished.
“Yeah. I wanted to help in any way I could. She’s been a great friend to me.” Kate told her.
“FBI Special Agent Whistler has friends?” Lucy used an exaggerated Texas accent to break the tension and when Kate laughed, she felt like she accomplished something far more important.
“She does. She also found a way to remove a stick she had up her ass for years.” Kate said seriously, but then smirked at the end.
Lucy raised her eyebrows in surprise. “Wow. I think I might really like this FBI Special Agent Whistler. She sounds fun. And really cool.”
Kate licked her lips and looked away from Lucy. She started to play with her empty mason jar in her hands.
“I lied before.” Kate said quietly. “I didn’t want you to stay just so I wouldn’t have to celebrate alone. I wanted you to stay so that I could celebrate with the one person I wanted to celebrate with.”
“Oh.”
Kate frowned and looked at her. “Oh? That’s all you have to say?”
Lucy bit her lip and swallowed audibly. “I…I don’t know what to say. I told myself that the reason I was coming over was to congratulate you and to apologize for icing you out.”
“You don’t have to apologize.”
“I wanted to tell you that I forgive you and that I’m proud of you. And I’m happy for you.” Lucy turned in her chair to better face Kate. She waited for Kate to look at her. “I wasn’t planning on telling you that I missed you because I didn’t think I had the right to after how I’ve been treating you the last several weeks.”
“Lucy…”
“But I do. And I am sorry. And I’m really, really proud of you. Ridiculously so.”
“Lucy…”
“And I had assumed that things were completely over for us. After our break-up. But now, I just kept thinking how I wanted so much from you. So much that was unfair to ask of you. And you changed a lot about yourself to try to accommodate me. But I didn’t see that then. I didn’t see all the small things. All the small ways you were trying to tell me you loved me. Like…we may not have talked a lot about our feelings or emotions or things I always thought were more important. But you talked about your dreams and shared your ideas for a future that I only realized today was your way of telling me that you saw me as part of that future.”
“Lucy, are you done?” Kate asked with a raised eyebrow and what seemed like amusement on her face.
“Not even close. Please let me get this out.”
Kate gestured for her to continue so she did.
“I’ve been listening to a podcast about sharing spoons and…”
“Sharing spoons?”
“And I realized that I projected so much on you when we first started doing whatever we were doing long before we even got to the point where we were willing to share spoons…”
“Still not sure what that means.”
Lucy rolled her eyes and waved her off. “I’m trying to say that I am as much to blame for our lack of communication and miscommunication as you are. And maybe ghosting your ex-girlfriend is not the best way to break up with her, but you were trying with me. I see how much you were trying. And I’m sorry that I didn’t realize all of that sooner.”
“I’m sorry that I wasn’t honest with you from the start. I’m sorry that I was so closed off that you felt like you had to google me and when I told you to just ask me about myself, I didn’t always make it easy for you to do so. And you shouldn’t always have to ask, I should want to share things with you. I do want to share things with you. I want to share everything with you. When I got the job, you were the first person I wanted to call. The only person, really. And I hated that I couldn’t.”
“You could have. I know it seemed like you couldn’t. But I would have answered.” Lucy told her honestly.
“I missed you, too. For the record.” Kate admitted sadly. “More than you know.”
“Then tell me.”
“What?”
“Tell me how much. Tell me why. Let’s stop making assumptions and start actually talking to each other, okay?”
“I can do that.” Kate took a steadying breath and released it slowly. “I’ve been lost without you. Watching you from a distance struggling with everything that happened to you and not being able to help you in any way has broken my heart even more than losing what we had.”
“You…you noticed? I’ve been having a hard time with what happened. With killing him. With almost dying and…”
“And you are trying to ignore it and pretend that it doesn’t affect you. But it does. And it’s not just affecting you. We’re all worried about you. We don’t know how to help if you don’t tell us what you need.”
“They all know?”
“They all care. We all care.”
Lucy felt tears sting her eyes. “I didn’t realize…”
“How much people love you?”
“Well, yeah…”
“We do. So much.” Kate reached over and held Lucy’s shaky hand in her own and locked eyes with her. “ I love you so much.”
“You do? Still? Even after everything?”
“I never stopped. And after everything…that’s when I realized how much I do. I’m sorry it took me so long to realize it. I’m sorry that I made you doubt it.”
Lucy swallowed back the sob and Kate quickly wrapped her arms around her and held her tightly against her chest. “I love you, too. I’m sorry I said you weren’t worth the risk.”
“DIA Whistler may not have been. I’m hoping FBI Special Agent Whistler is.”
Lucy laughed loudly and Kate joined her.
“I’m willing to bet she is.” Lucy whispered against Kate’s neck and let her lips ghost across the warm skin she found there.
Kate shivered and pulled Lucy closer. “I will never get over you calling me that. It still does something to me every time.”
“Just something? I thought we were working on our communication skills. I need details.” Lucy told her as she kissed Kate’s neck and raised up a little to tug at her earlobe with her teeth. She bit it gently before lowering her voice to a sultry whisper. “You do realize there are other forms of communication, right? Non verbal forms of communication…”
Kate stood up abruptly and pulled Lucy up with her. They tore off their clothes on their way to Kate’s bedroom. And then they spent the night working on all forms of proper communication.