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Atsumu’s been walking around for maybe two hours already. His feet hurt and he can feel his knees shaking with the need to rest, even if it’s just for a second.
But there’s a problem.
He just can’t seem to find the wool shop he saw on TikTok.
Could he have bought the wool in the shop where he’s been buying it for the past five years? Yes, but they didn’t have the color he wanted, so that’s a no.
He sees a park a few streets down from where he’s standing and walks as fast as he can towards it.
Once he finds a bench and is finally able to rest for a few minutes, he allows himself to look around for the first time in maybe the past hour.
He sees a man, selling all kinds of beautiful flowers. Two girls running around with their hands intertwined, blowing bubbles into the air. He sees a little boy checking the bushes around him for insects, and a duo of a girl and a boy running over to join him.
All of them wear smiles on their faces.
He also sees a few couples walking around and smiles, all of them reminding him of his boyfriend, Kiyoomi, who is currently on a week-long business trip.
He sits on the bench for a few more minutes,
and just when he goes to stand up, he freezes.
Kiyoomi.
But he’s not alone.
He’s holding some girls hand, a very pretty girl’s hand. They’re smiling, Atsumu being able to notice Kiyoomi’s crinkled eyes even with the distance between them, and the woman’s beaming smile being enough.
His eyes follow them as they turn on the sidewalk to walk into what looks like a coffeeshop, maybe, and he sees her kiss Kiyoomi’s cheek before entering the shop.
He sees Kiyoomi look around briefly before walking into the shop and disappearing out of Atsumu’s sight.
He knows he shouldn’t misunderstand, that he shouldn’t overthink anything or take drastic decisions without having context or explanations, but he can’t really control the way his thoughts are already going too fast for him to keep up.
That was him, right? His boyfriend, Kiyoomi. Holding another person’s hand, letting someone else kiss them or touch him in general.
Why would he lie? Why did he feel like he had to lie? Why was he here when he was supposedly somewhere else? Who was that woman? What is she to him?
Why did he lie?
A part of him thinks he’s being too crazy about this, overthinking over something that could be absolutely nothing, a little misunderstanding that could be solved if he just asked when he talked to Kiyoomi again in their apartment, two days from today.
But the other part of him thinks that maybe, just maybe, he’s completely allowed to think a little too much about this. He’s allowed to, really.
Because that was his Kiyoomi, touching, holding, smiling with someone that’s not him.
His boyfriend, who lied to him.
It's been two days since the day he saw Kiyoomi with that woman. Except now he knows who she is. Kinda.
That day, the second he was able to snap out of his thoughts, he rushed to find the wool shop and found it in a few minutes. He took the train home, and locked himself in his- their bedroom.
Once he was sure the door was locked, even if he was the only one in the apartment, he called Osamu.
He told him everything in a very rushed way, but Osamu, bless his soul, understood everything and helped him calm down. Then, he told his boyfriend, who told his friend who’s apparently very good at hacking, stalking, and all that media stuff.
And that’s how he knows.
They’re together, Kiyoomi and that woman. Atsumu doesn’t know at what level of the relationship Kiyoomi is in with that woman, doesn’t know if they’re just dating, engaged, married, nothing. And honestly? he doesn’t want to know either. But the thing is that they’ve been a couple for the past six years.
Kiyoomi and he starting dating 4 years ago.
Atsumu’s been sitting on the couch, only changing the position of his legs every few minutes, remembering every aspect of their relationship, wondering if all they’ve lived is a lie.
Does he even know Kiyoomi?
That’s a serious concern of his. How can he ever be sure if he knew Kiyoomi at all? The real Kiyoomi, not whatever fake boyfriend he’s been getting to know for the past 4 years.
All the times Kiyoomi would look at him in the eye when the both lay in their bed, whispering promises to each other.
‘you’re the only one i’ve ever loved.’
Atsumu scoffs. Such bullshit.
When the sound of keys jingling and the door opening reach Atsumu’s ears, the sun outside is already setting, soft hues lightning the living room.
He’s staring at his phone, where a picture of the woman is showing, preparing himself for the conversation he’s about to have.
He hears Kiyoomi before he sees him, a soft call of his name coming out of his mouth.
Atsumu says nothing until Kiyoomi appears in his line of sight.
Kiyoomi looks at him and a smile graces his face, a little thing, too. Only the corner of his mouth curling up, his eyes softening.
Atsumu cuts him off when he goes to greet him, lifting the phone in his hand to show him the picture. 'Do ya know her?'
He sees Kiyoomi’s eyes widen, a subtle thing before his face goes back to neutral. A small tell of what his thoughts might be.
'Don’t even try and lie to me, please.' Kiyoomi still hasn’t said anything, and Atsumu is getting impatient. He should be trying to deny everything, right? Tell Atsumu it was all a misunderstanding, that he loves him and only him.
So why isn’t he not only saying anything but also not looking at him?
'Kiyoomi? can ya please look at me?' Ignored. 'Please? Or at least talk to me, tell me it isn’t what i think it is. Tell me the man I thought was the love of my life is still mine. Please.'
That gets a slight reaction out of him. 'What did you see?' His voice is low, not much above a whisper.
'Does that even matter?' Pleading, guilty eyes look at him. He sighs. 'I saw both of ya walking, smiling, holding hands, and kissing- well, her kissing your cheek. I don’t- I know I probably shouldn’t have overthought things, but I couldn’t help it okay? I told ‘Samu and in the end, I found out some other things.'
'What things? Please, Atsumu. What things?' Kiyoomi hurries to say once he throws him an exasperated glance.
'That ya’ve been dating her for five or six years, known each other longer. And other things that don’t really matter.'
'Fuck.' Kiyoomi mutters. Atsumu looks up at him with wide eyes, his lips slightly open in shock.
What the fuck does he mean by fuck?
'Ya didn’t answer my question.' He hears a questioning hum. 'Do ya know her? I already know ya do, but ya know what I mean.'
Silence.
'Don’t remember? Okay. So, ya’ve been dating that woman for a lot of years, and then ya started dating me while still being with her, and I wonder, do I even know the real you? Does she know about me? Us? Were ya ever going ta tell me?'
He stands up and tries to get Kiyoomi to look at him, but the other avoids his eyes, preferring to look at the floor.
Wow.
It feels unreal, how a week ago, Atsumu was living the best of his life. He had an amazing boyfriend who he knew better than anyone else and vice versa.
But he’s not really sure of that anymore. He needs to ask.
He really does.
'Kiyoomi, do I even know the real you?'
Say yes. Please, say yes.
Kiyoomi doesn’t answer, and Atsumu is starting to feel a little dizzy. He feels as if he just hit a dead end, doesn’t really know where to go from here, doesn’t know what else to do except ask questions that are obviously not gonna be answered.
Atsumu doesn’t think this is how he’s supposed to be breathing, doesn’t know if his heart should be beating this fast, but he can’t seem to be able to control it.
He can feel tears prickling in his eyes, but he blinks them away. He’s not going to cry, not yet.
He just needs to get an answer out of Kiyoomi, and then he’ll drown himself in Osamu’s food.
Hopefully.
Atsumu takes a deep breath. He’s not even looking at Kiyoomi anymore, doesn’t think he’d be standing if he did.
'I have lived with you for two years,' He says slowly, eyes wide in incredibility 'been dating you for four, knowing you for even longer, and I still don’t know you.'
He laughs, and honestly? Even though he knows how crazy he must sound, he’s desperate. I mean, how would you feel if you realized that the person you loved the most is basically a stranger to you, living a whole other life where you don’t exist, after thinking you knew them best?
He can’t decide whether he feels like screaming or crying.
'Four years! And I don’t know you at all.' he’s raising his voice now, and Kiyoomi still has his eyes trained on the floor. 'The smallest details of yours, your likes and dislikes, not even those I am sure are true anymore.' Another deep breath. 'You’ve told me before that I know you more than anybody.'
He feels tears prickling the corner of his eyes, expanding until he feels a tear slide from his cheek, falling to the floor without a sound. His voice comes out quiet, barely above a whisper.
'So why do I feel like I barely know you at all?'
The silence in the room feels suffocating, and Atsumu doesn’t know how much longer he’s gonna be able to take this.
Not even a single word from his boyfriend. Atsumu’s been trying for so long to get Kiyoomi to just look at him, but not even a glance.
He’s honestly starting to feel maybe a little hysterical, his thoughts running in circles without being able to form a single answer.
He shifts on his feet a little, looks around their apartment, crouches then stands up again and, lastly, he looks at Kiyoomi.
But this time he sees Kiyoomi looking back at him.
He seems to want to say something, his mouth working around words he can’t seem to voice, but Atsumu beats him to it.
'How does that work?' Atsumu’s voice sounds wrecked, and so, so small. 'Hm, Kiyoomi? How do you date someone for so long, live with them for so long, only to realize that you don’t actually know them at all? How is that even possible?'
He’s raising his voice now, but it’s not nearly enough for it to be a yell.
'I don’t know.' Kiyoomi finally says, but anyone would be able to tell that it wasn’t, not even close, the right thing to say.
'You don’t know?' Atsumu is looking at him in disbelief. 'After all, that’s happened, and all that I’ve said, all you can say is you don’t know?!'
'I don’t know. I- I really don’t know, Atsumu.' Kiyoomi’s looking at him with tears rolling down his face, desperate to get this fight over and let it pass.
But Atsumu can’t let that happen, can he?
A scoff. 'You don’t know. After everything we’ve been through, everything you did to get us here, and everything I’ve said, all you can tell me is you don’t know?!' Okay, he’s definitely yelling now, eyes wide and everything, but he can’t seem to care. Or stop.
'I find out that my boyfriend has been cheating on his girlfriend with me, without either of us knowing, and all you can do is look at the floor, not even trying to help me understand, and then tell me you don’t know?! Do I really mean so little to you?' He sees Kiyoomi’s eyes widen, as if he’s just now realizing how fucked everything is right now.
'No! No. Atsumu, that’s not it, you know that’s not it. I love you, I’ve loved you forever, you know that.' He’s gotten closer To Atsumu now, his hands hovering over his face, unsure on whether he’s allowed to touch.
There’s a whisper.
'What? What was that honey?' Kiyoomi asks, most likely thinking this is his opportunity to put a slow to the fight, close to a stop.
A pause.
Kiyoomi doesn’t think he’s so sure about his initial thought now.
Another whisper, but far easier to understand.
'Do I, really?'
Atsumu can see the chills at Kiyoomi’s arms, his face slowly going pale, but he decides on looking up into his eyes, with his own wide, teary ones.
He can see Kiyoomi’s mind working on his words, asking himself if he heard him right, if he really did fuck it up that bad that it is now so easy to doubt his love for Atsumu.
He needs to leave, 'I’ll go pack some of my things and go to Osamu’s apartment. Don’t look for me, I really don’t think I could handle being around you right now.'
He detaches himself from Kiyoomi’s trembling hands. Kiyoomi lets him, still frozen in place.
Atsumu goes through packing most of his clothes, toiletries, and a few personal stuff almost robotically. He also packs some of his hobby-related things into a duffle bag and his traveling suitcase, even if he’s just throwing the things inside instead of folding them how he likes.
He doesn’t let himself think about the good things in his relationship with Kiyoomi and doesn’t trust himself in that he wouldn’t go back to him the second the opportunity to live them again presented itself.
He shoots Osamu a text, telling him about how he’ll be there in 2-3 hours.
He instantly gets a thumbs-up emoji back.
When he finally steps out of their room, he finds himself not being able to decide on whether he should look at Kiyoomi again, or leave without a word.
He chooses the latter.
He begins walking towards the door, steps into the genkan, puts his shoes and coat on almost automatically, and the second his hand is on the door handle, a voice stops him from leaving.
Kiyoomi’s voice is quiet when he asks, but Atsumu still hears him. 0Will you ever come back?0
Atsumu can hear him coming closer until his shadow can be seen on the door he’s been stuck looking at for the last minute.
'Will you come back to me, Atsu? Or are you leaving to never come back?'
He thinks he knows the answer but, at the same time, he himself could never answer that question.
A part of him wants to leave and come back whenever he deems it safe enough for him not to start a fight, and someday go back to the relationship they had.
The other part of him, and the smartest one, wants to tell Kiyoomi to fuck off, to tell him he hates him for everything and to never come back, even if he knows he could never hate truly him.
He grips the handle.
A sharp inhale behind him.
He twists the handle and opens the door.
'I don't know, Kiyoomi. I don't know.'
He walks out.