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Agustín was happy.
Well, happy might not be the right word to use, since “happy” was simply an understatement that couldn’t quite describe the immense amount of joy that was running through his body at this very moment. The joy was everywhere, radiating from his beating heart all the way out to his fingertips, and it felt like he had never been happier in his entire life.
Why wouldn’t he be happy when he was currently walking side by side with Julieta, who today on the date was his girlfriend of nine months , just thinking about it felt surreal to the young man. For nine months, he had been in a relationship with the woman of his dreams, the woman he had pined for since the age of fifteen. Back then he had believed that her returning his feelings would be nothing more than a wishful dream or a distant longing, but everything had changed in that day when he had slept over in the Madrigal house to shield himself from the hurricane wreaking havoc in town, and Julieta had confessed to him in the middle of the night, right in the middle of the living room.
Sometimes when he thought back to that day and everything that followed, it still didn’t feel real. Julieta’s shy smile before she leaned in for a kiss, the way her hands had felt when he had taken them in his own, both of them slightly shaking in nervousness, all followed by a release of several years worth of pent of emotions from both ends as Julieta had begged him to make love to her. He had of course fulfilled her wish, and in the process he had become undone under her sweet touch and her radiating beauty, truly believing he had died and come to heaven.
It was a moment he would cherish until the end of time.
As he seems to get lost in thought, he’s pulled back to the real world by Julieta’s soothing voice.
“Everything alright, querido?”
He gives her a nod as they keep walking down the dirt path between the Madrigal household and the village, on their way to Julieta’s stand so that she could heal the villagers in need. Both were carrying large heavy baskets filled to the brink with freshly made arepas.
“Everything is fine, the basket is just a bit heavy, that’s all. Nothing I can’t handle.”
He sees the small smile on her face and the twinkle in her eyes, and before he knows it she presses a quick kiss onto his cheek as they keep walking. Just being close to her made Agustín feel safe and fulfilled. He cherished every moment he got to spend with Julieta, big or small.
“Okay, just please don’t overwork yourself,” she replies. “We both know you have a bad back. Just grab an arepa when we’re there to make sure.”
“My back is not that bad!”
“It cracked last time you tried to pick me up and spin me around.”
“Well, you spinning me around made it look so much easier, and I’m heavier .”
“That’s because I’m stronger than you.”
She laughs as she says the last sentence, and Agustín can’t help but chuckle in agreement. It was true, after years of heavy work in the kitchen, Julieta was at least twice as strong as Agustín. Her strength, and how she took pride in it was one of the many things he admired about her.
“Fair, fair. But that doesn’t mean I will stop trying to spin you around. I love your laugh when I do.”
“Please do, I like it too. But try to be careful, mi amor.”
They kept laughing and talking as they made their way to the town square, and the two of them set up Julieta’s stand together. It doesn’t take long until there’s a line forming, several people in need of her healing. Agustín of course stays by her side to keep her company, knowing that standing out in the sun for hours without someone to talk to would be an awfully boring task.
Once the first basket of arepas is empty, Agustín takes it and walks a few feet away before he turns it upside down and begins to shake, emptying it of any spare crumbs that might be lingering. When he is done he begins to walk back to the stand, only for him to trip as one of his feet hits the cobblestone in a weird angle.
He falls over face first, dropping his basket to catch himself with his hands. He does, but his head bumps into the ground half a second later, followed by a piercing ache inside of his head. As he stands up, he sees blood on his hands, palms scraped and filled with dirt. It makes him wince, and the moment he realizes his hands were injured, the warmth ache begins to pulsate there too in a different way from his head. He winces and lets out a painful groan, the hands almost felt like they were burning.
“Agustín, are you okay?”
It’s Julieta speaking, and as he looks at her he sees the worry in her eyes. Everyone else in the town square is watching too, startled by his sudden injury. Everyone of course knew how accident prone Agustín was, but there was a difference with witnessing it.
He tries to give Julieta a reassuring nod and a thumbs up… which was a bad idea. He winced in pain and began to shake his arm as he had tried to close one of his palms for the gesture. Any type of movement hurts more than it should have.
“I’m fine mi amor, don’t worry about me.”
“Nonsense, you’re bleeding, eat” she replies, and the next second Agustín feels an arepa being stuffed into his mouth. It is as delicious as always, and as he chews he feels the magical relief flood over his body as the tension and the pain disappears, and he feels as good as new. “Feel better?”
He nods once more.
“Yes I do, thank you, corazón.”
“You know I would do anything for you,” she says before she presses a soft kiss onto his lips. As they part, she gives him a quick hug before she turns around to pay attention to the people in line. “You should probably go and get yourself washed off, there’s blood on your hands and your forehead.”
“Oh, right. I’ll be back in a few minutes.”
He presses a kiss onto her cheek just as she’s handing an arepa to someone with a broken arm and then he heads off to the closest water pump, which is only about a two or three minute walk away. He makes sure to walk carefully since the streets are crowded at this time and does not want to accidentally bump into someone when he is still covered in blood.
That’s when he sees the stares and hears the whispers. A group of several people in their mid to late thirties walk by, speaking about him as if he isn’t there. He hears the distaste in their voices.
“Can you believe that man? It’s a disgrace, it really is.”
“The Madrigal girl deserves so much better than him.”
“True, I don’t know what she sees in him.”
“He’s just a disaster.”
“I bet he’s only using her for her gift, being as prone to accidents as he is.”
“The Madrigal line is going to be cursed if he ends up fathering children with her. That girl deserves a proper man, not a disaster like him.”
“Poor Alma, I hope she won’t be cursed with that boy as a son in law.”
“Yes, Julieta is too good for him.”
“Someone like Julieta could never truly be happy with a boy like him, everyone knows that. It’s only a matter of time. It’s just a young romance, it will die quickly and the girl will find a proper suitor.”
“Let’s hope so, for the sake of the Encanto.”
Hearing those words, it makes his chest feel tight, as if he was slowly suffocating. As he had just been thrown into the bottom of the ocean, slowly drowning as his lungs ached and screamed for air. He clenched his fists and sped up his pace, doing his best to hold back the tears and a sob while the anxiety grew in his chest, becoming worse by the second.
His mind was like a whirlwind, a violent mess and confusion. Did he feel sadness, did he feel anger?
No, he felt… guilt.
Was he actually good enough for Julieta, or was he just some scraps not worth her time? Could someone like him truly make someone as wonderful as her happy? Did she love him, or did she see him as a chore? Julieta deserved the world and he didn’t want to waste her time on someone like him. What if he was making her feel miserable? He could be trapping her in a cage if they stayed together, making her stuck in a mundane misery when she could really be out there chasing the perfect, wonderful life she actually deserved to have.
The ache grew, and the more he thought about it, the worst he felt.
He felt selfish, for being in a relationship with her. The townspeople were right. Someone like Julieta deserved so much more than he could ever give her. He could give her unconditional love, his heart would always belong to her, but he couldn’t give her the life she truly deserved. After all, if all townspeople saw him as a disgrace not worthy of her, then it had to be true, right?
Could he ever truly make her happy?
He was starting to doubt it more and more by the second, and just the thought of seeing her unhappy and unfulfilled made him want to vomit. He would despise himself for the rest of his life if he deprived Julieta of a happy life.
When Agustín finally arrived at the water pump he quickly rinsed the blood off of him, the cold water feeling like ice against his skin, making him way too aware of everything around him. His thoughts were going haywire, and there was no silence anywhere.
All on his mind was Julieta, and how much he must be secretly hurting her.
Yes, the townspeople must be right. No, they were right. He was a disgrace and nothing else, a dumb accident prone boy that only made the life worse for Julieta. He knew she would be much happier if he wasn’t in it anymore, because then she could truly find someone that could make her happy in a way he never could.
He hated it, and he felt stupid. Stupid for believing that someone like Julieta could ever truly be happy with someone like him. It would forever be nothing more than a wishful dream, that they would get married and grow old together and live together in pure bliss and happiness . Because even if he was happy with her, could he actually truly be happy when he knew she wasn’t actually happy with him?
No, he couldn’t. That would just be like living a lie, as if he was forcing her into something she didn’t want.
He would just ruin her life if he stayed with her, slowly and painfully until all the joy disappeared from her. He knew it, because he always ruined everything. Why would a relationship be any different than his own body who got ruined on the daily? Ruining was the only thing Agustín was ever good at, for better or worse.
Yes, when they were alone, Agustín needed to let her go, even if it was the most painful thing he would ever do in his life. He knew his heart would ache as it would rip in two, and he knew it would never heal. Yet, he knew it would be for the best, because then at least Julieta would have a chance of happiness.
Julieta’s joy and happiness would always be his most important priority, his own feelings were secondary. Julieta was his world, and if her happiness was guaranteed by her moving on from him, so be it. She deserved better than what he could ever give her, she deserved better than him.
His breathing is shallow and rapid on the entire way back to the town square, all of his body shivering as if he was freezing. Julieta notices, and when Agustín sees her he almost freezes in place, the ache inside of his chest becoming ten times worse. It was as if he had just been thrown at death’s door. Just seeing her ached, and he was absolutely terrified of what was to come.
When he hears her speak, he almost breaks down crying, yet he still does his best to fight back the sobs. He had to be strong, for her.
“There you are. I just have a few more people to heal and we can head back to Casita for lunch,” she says, and Agustín simply nods.
“Okay.”
His voice breaks and gets stuck in his throat as he speaks, as if he was once again in the middle of puberty. He does his best to calm down and keep his breathing steady, and fails miserably. He prayed that Julieta hadn’t noticed the way he was acting.
The last five minutes at the stand felt like an eternity, the worst five minutes of his whole life. With every passing second, the ache and the anxiety grew larger and more fierce, it was as if a black shadow was trying to consume him and devour him whole to leave nothing behind. He was on edge, body shaking as he bit his lower lip.
He could barely look at Julieta, feeling physical pain in his chest every time he had a glance of her and her beauty.
When Julieta is done, she puts one empty basket in the other and puts them in one arm, and then grabs Agustín with the other. He lets out a startled squeak and freezes for a second, and then begins to walk with her, mind shutting off and running on a sort of autopilot. Everything becomes a blur, he tunes out everything as they’re walking back towards the Madrigal household. Everything, the sounds, the scenery, the smells. He doesn’t even realize Julieta had been talking to him until she pats on his shoulder several times, saying his name over and over.
“Agustín, Agustín? Are you even listening to me, mi amor?”
The moment he hears the term of endearment, he breaks down completely, he couldn’t hold it in any longer.
He falls onto the ground and lets it all out, the sobs are now impossible to hold back and he wails loudly as he puts his hands over his face, feeling everything spin around him. He couldn’t do it, he couldn’t do this. It hurt too much.
Hurt, hurt, hurt. That was all he felt.
“Agustín, what’s happening? Are you okay?”
He hears the concern in Julieta’s voice, the true love and care in it. Yet he also hears the whispers of the townspeople, that she was simply stuck with him. That he was making her life worse.
Instead of saying the words he should have, telling her he wanted to break up, just to then run away to cry for the rest of the day, he blurts out something completely different to his girlfriend.
“A-a-am, am I a burden?”
Julieta’s entire body freezes as she hears him utter those words, she even takes a step back in shock.
“Agustín, why are you asking me that?”
“Am I a burden?” he repeats, needing an answer. He needed to know if he truly was making her miserable.
“ Why are you asking me this? Did someone tell you something?”
He keeps sobbing and finds it hard to speak. Every second he looks at Julieta, the pain grows, so he simply nods. The world feels like it’s spinning around him, making him nauseous.
“Who?” Julieta asks sharply, but Agustín doesn’t answer the question.
“Do I make you happy? Am I enough for you? Because if I’m not… then I understand and we can… we can break up. I don’t… I don’t want you to be unhappy being together with someone as worthless as me… when there’s probably someone out there who is actually worthy of you.”
He’s stuttering over his speech, his mind screaming at him with every word he utters. He’s selfish, making this about himself when this should be about Julieta. He expects her to get angry and scream… but she doesn’t.
The anger doesn’t come, there’s no shouting. When he looks up at her, she’s standing frozen, her mouth half open in shock. Once he looks into her eyes he sees nothing but shock and sadness.
“Agustín, why would you ever ask me something like that? I love you and I would never see you as unworthy! Who told you this? Please tell me.”
He takes a deep breath, trying to register the words Julieta had uttered. She loved him.
“When I was going to wash off… there was a group of several people. They were talking about how I was a disgrace and that you deserved better than me. They said that I would never truly make you happy and that us staying together would be bad for the Encanto. They talked about how they hoped that… we would break up soon so that you could… get an actual good suitor to continue the family name with. They said I would never be enough and that I would just ruin your life,” he says as the sobbing continued. “And I was terrified when I heard it. It felt like every word they said was true , that you really are too good for me. Because you’re amazing and fantastic and deserve the world, and I’m just me. It made me terrified that I would never be enough for you. That I would never be what you needed or deserve.”
Before he can register what is going on, the baskets are thrown onto the ground and Julieta’s arms are wrapped around him in a tight hug. She’s sobbing too, crying into his shoulder.
“ Never speak about yourself like that ever again,” she pleads between sobs. She’s hugging him with such a ferociousness as if she’s terrified that he would disappear in thin air, and it makes Agustín’s heart ache with guilt. He’s made her cry, after all. “I love you, I love you, I love you! And I love you with every part of me, and I love every part of you . Agustín, I love you so much that it is insane. Please don’t listen to those stupid townspeople, they know nothing about how I feel, and I don’t care about what they think at all! You’re more than enough for me, you’re more than worthy. You are my love, and you could never be a burden. You’re the one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”
He whines as he hears her words, a relief flooding over him while the aches keep hurting. He wants to believe her, but a part of him still doesn’t.
“Julieta,” he simply says between sobs as he too tightens the embrace. It’s all he can say, yet the simple act of saying her name conveys more emotions than he could ever count.
“Agustín, please believe me,” she pleads once more. “Mi amor, it’s you I love, and I will never love another person the way I love you. I’ve loved you for years and you know that. Ever since we got together, my life has been happier than it has ever been. You’re the light of my life, and I can’t imagine a life without you. A life without you would be nothing but pain. If you break up with me one day, I want it because you don’t love me anymore, and not because you believe that I don’t love you.”
Before he had time to speak, Julieta’s lips pressed against his own. She pushed him backwards and both of them tumbled around in the grass, neither wanting to let go as the kiss deepens by the second while the tears keep streaming down their faces.
Agustín doesn’t know what to feel. Confusion? Sadness? Happiness? Relief? He felt everything at the same time, but the relief took over as he got lost under Julieta’s touch.
Sometimes it’s hard to not think of himself in a negative light, especially when he has such bad luck, but Julieta’s words eventually touch him more than the words of the townspeople. They’d known each other for fifteen years and had been best friends ever since, he knew Julieta would never lie about something like this.
Yet, he still needed verbal confirmation.
As their lips part, he cups her face in his palms and stares into her eyes.
“You love me? You truly love me?”
She nods.
“I love you more than I could ever describe,” she replies. “Do you love me?”
He answers immediately, and it feels like he’s using his whole soul and all of his heart in a simple sentence. He’s making sure to pour out every single piece of love there is to find, and even more.
“I love you. More than you could ever imagine.”
She laughs through her sobs as she embraces him once more.
“For as long as you love me, promise that you will never leave.”
“I promise.”
With those words, their lips are once again pressed against each other as they get lost in the moment.